How do I make this not awkward?
December 28, 2019 8:24 AM Subscribe
Sometimes my friends invite me to do stuff I would quite like to do, and I say so, but then they don't follow up. How do I act so things don't get weird?
I've been assuming I shouldn't ask my friends about doing [thing] since if they still wanted to do it they'd talk to me about the logistics, and if they didn't want to do it anymore, it would be awkward for them to have to explain. If these were dating situations, I would accept that they had ghosted me, but in each case it's been a friend I talk to a lot, so it feels weird to ignore them entirely, or to talk to them as if they hadn't invited me to do [thing]. Do you have ideas for what I should say, or not say?
Bonus: How do I get over my resentment at this sort of situation? I'm not the one who's issuing the invitations. I never asked for any of this. Why do I have to feel this sense of rejection/obligation to smooth things over?
Bonus bonus: Is the answer just to not care? How do I get to that point? I feel pretty beanplatey here.
I've been assuming I shouldn't ask my friends about doing [thing] since if they still wanted to do it they'd talk to me about the logistics, and if they didn't want to do it anymore, it would be awkward for them to have to explain. If these were dating situations, I would accept that they had ghosted me, but in each case it's been a friend I talk to a lot, so it feels weird to ignore them entirely, or to talk to them as if they hadn't invited me to do [thing]. Do you have ideas for what I should say, or not say?
Bonus: How do I get over my resentment at this sort of situation? I'm not the one who's issuing the invitations. I never asked for any of this. Why do I have to feel this sense of rejection/obligation to smooth things over?
Bonus bonus: Is the answer just to not care? How do I get to that point? I feel pretty beanplatey here.
I've been assuming I shouldn't ask my friends about doing [thing] since if they still wanted to do it they'd talk to me about the logistics, and if they didn't want to do it anymore, it would be awkward for them to have to explain.
With all due respect - these assumptions are wrong.
It's possible that the reason that they haven't spoken to you about logistics is simply because no one is certain who wants to open that discussion, and your speaking up would be a reminder to everyone else that "oh, right, we should figure that out." Or maybe they all just spaced out and forgot. Some people just suck at making plans and figuring out logistics, and they need people to remind them that "Hey, did anyone ever figure out when we were going to go bowling" or whatever.
Also, so what if it'd be awkward for them to have to explain if they don't want to do [thing]? You're feeling awkward about being left hanging, right?
Asking follow-up questions about "did anyone figure out when we were going to do this" is not awkward.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:32 AM on December 28, 2019 [14 favorites]
With all due respect - these assumptions are wrong.
It's possible that the reason that they haven't spoken to you about logistics is simply because no one is certain who wants to open that discussion, and your speaking up would be a reminder to everyone else that "oh, right, we should figure that out." Or maybe they all just spaced out and forgot. Some people just suck at making plans and figuring out logistics, and they need people to remind them that "Hey, did anyone ever figure out when we were going to go bowling" or whatever.
Also, so what if it'd be awkward for them to have to explain if they don't want to do [thing]? You're feeling awkward about being left hanging, right?
Asking follow-up questions about "did anyone figure out when we were going to do this" is not awkward.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:32 AM on December 28, 2019 [14 favorites]
I've been assuming I shouldn't ask my friends about doing [thing] since if they still wanted to do it they'd talk to me about the logistics
they are almost absolutely without a doubt doing the same thing, in reverse. "if Argyle Road really agreed and wasn't just saying that to be polite they'd have made a move". It's really common in today's climate to "invite" people to do things, but it's not a real invitation, nothing like a wedding invitation. The current social contract says it's up to both parties equally to get things in motion once mutual interest is expressed.
posted by FirstMateKate at 8:34 AM on December 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
they are almost absolutely without a doubt doing the same thing, in reverse. "if Argyle Road really agreed and wasn't just saying that to be polite they'd have made a move". It's really common in today's climate to "invite" people to do things, but it's not a real invitation, nothing like a wedding invitation. The current social contract says it's up to both parties equally to get things in motion once mutual interest is expressed.
posted by FirstMateKate at 8:34 AM on December 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, these are helpful replies. Also, don't wanna threadsit but want to clarify that in one case it seemed pretty clear to me that the person actually didn't want to do the thing anymore (they came to talk to me about how they were planning to go home instead of mentioning the thing they'd asked me to) and in another it was sort of a large commitment and they were drunk so I wasn't sure if they remembered/really meant to ask, hence concern about discomfort.
posted by Argyle Road at 8:37 AM on December 28, 2019
posted by Argyle Road at 8:37 AM on December 28, 2019
Oh sorry, I read your post that you didn't want to do the thing. But you do, so different answer. Yeah, just chat with them about it. It is not wierd . Don't do it every day or anything. It's OK to be a little firm if your friends are disorganized like hey you mentioned activity and I've gotten excited about it. I think I'm going to do it this weekend no matter what, want to join me?
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:38 AM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:38 AM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
There’s not one simple reason why a plan doesn’t come together. Lots of times people are just spitballing and don’t want to exert the energy to follow up. Or they want to make the suggestion but hope someone else will actually make the effort of planning. Or they had an idea after a few glasses of wine, but when they wake up the next day it doesn’t sound so fun anymore. Or they envisioned doing an activity as a group and would rather save it until they can get five people interested rather than do it one-on-one. None of those reasons should be taken as a rejection of you.
Lots of times plans come together because one or two people keeps pestering friends not to give up the idea. This involves putting yourself out there—texting someone repeatedly—“hey, I want to do that book club you suggested! When can you do it?” “Hey, remember that book club we were talking about last week—you said you’d get back to me with a good date for it. What works for you?” Etc.
How often are you the person who plans something for your friends? It takes a lot of effort even to get people scheduled for something as simple as a dinner party. If you really want to get together, don’t wait for an invitation—schedule something yourself. The fear that you are being left out usually is more about what’s going on in your head, not what your friends are thinking or doing. For me it usually coincides with a loss of self-esteem (you suspect there’s a good reason people are leaving you out). That’s something you can work on in your own time.
It’s a different story if you keep hearing about ideas for plans and then find yourself left out when the event occurs. That might be more deliberate. But even that could be that you just weren’t around when the actual planning happened. Again, take the initiative yourself—check in with your friends about what they’re up to, and you likely find yourself invited along.
posted by sallybrown at 8:46 AM on December 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
Lots of times plans come together because one or two people keeps pestering friends not to give up the idea. This involves putting yourself out there—texting someone repeatedly—“hey, I want to do that book club you suggested! When can you do it?” “Hey, remember that book club we were talking about last week—you said you’d get back to me with a good date for it. What works for you?” Etc.
How often are you the person who plans something for your friends? It takes a lot of effort even to get people scheduled for something as simple as a dinner party. If you really want to get together, don’t wait for an invitation—schedule something yourself. The fear that you are being left out usually is more about what’s going on in your head, not what your friends are thinking or doing. For me it usually coincides with a loss of self-esteem (you suspect there’s a good reason people are leaving you out). That’s something you can work on in your own time.
It’s a different story if you keep hearing about ideas for plans and then find yourself left out when the event occurs. That might be more deliberate. But even that could be that you just weren’t around when the actual planning happened. Again, take the initiative yourself—check in with your friends about what they’re up to, and you likely find yourself invited along.
posted by sallybrown at 8:46 AM on December 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
Are these time specific things, like let’s see X concert together, or things that could happen in a range of times, like, let’s go to X museum together or let’s eat at Y restaurant together?
posted by overglow at 8:52 AM on December 28, 2019
posted by overglow at 8:52 AM on December 28, 2019
Response by poster: Time specific things (later that day or week). I haven’t had this issue with general things.
posted by Argyle Road at 8:55 AM on December 28, 2019
posted by Argyle Road at 8:55 AM on December 28, 2019
"Hey, the other day we talked about doing X! Are you still up for doing that?"
Conveys enthusiasm for the thing, doesn't convey blame for them flaking out on you or forgetting the conversation.
Whether it works well depends a bit on the timeframe over which these things are happening. Like, if a week ago, you had a vague conversation about maybe doing something next Wednesday and then no one mentioned it again and now it's Wednesday, you might take a different approach than if you'd had a vague conversation this morning about maybe doing something after work and now it's the end of the day.
One mindset shift that might help is not to think of these things as "invitations" so much as "suggestions". Like, they're potentially interested in a thing, maybe you are also, mutually you might come to agree on a definitive plan to actually do the thing, but they aren't inviting you and then disinviting you, just throwing a possible plan out there into the world and then you both have responsibility for ensuring it comes to fruition.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:57 AM on December 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
Conveys enthusiasm for the thing, doesn't convey blame for them flaking out on you or forgetting the conversation.
Whether it works well depends a bit on the timeframe over which these things are happening. Like, if a week ago, you had a vague conversation about maybe doing something next Wednesday and then no one mentioned it again and now it's Wednesday, you might take a different approach than if you'd had a vague conversation this morning about maybe doing something after work and now it's the end of the day.
One mindset shift that might help is not to think of these things as "invitations" so much as "suggestions". Like, they're potentially interested in a thing, maybe you are also, mutually you might come to agree on a definitive plan to actually do the thing, but they aren't inviting you and then disinviting you, just throwing a possible plan out there into the world and then you both have responsibility for ensuring it comes to fruition.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:57 AM on December 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
Consider that maybe they are opening the door rather than extending an invite. They have suggested an activity, they may be thinking the ball is in your court now and if you're really interested then you'll make the effort to plan it. If these things are events with seating, often tickets need to be purchased together if you want to sit together so someone has to do that and end up footing the bill and deal with the hassle of getting paid back etc. That can be a pain.
What happens when these suggestions/invitations are made? Are they saying, hey do you wan to go to event? You say, sure... then what happens? Does someone attempt to make a plan or does the topic of conversation just move on?
I think you're really overthinking things, I can't count how many times me or one of my friends has said - we should totally do the thing.... but we don't because no-one organises it. Next time someone suggests doing something that you're interested in doing, make the effort to plan/organise it. If they've changed their mind they can always say so.
posted by missmagenta at 9:01 AM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
What happens when these suggestions/invitations are made? Are they saying, hey do you wan to go to event? You say, sure... then what happens? Does someone attempt to make a plan or does the topic of conversation just move on?
I think you're really overthinking things, I can't count how many times me or one of my friends has said - we should totally do the thing.... but we don't because no-one organises it. Next time someone suggests doing something that you're interested in doing, make the effort to plan/organise it. If they've changed their mind they can always say so.
posted by missmagenta at 9:01 AM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Look up the details, call or text friend Are you still interested in seeing the Molly Ivins documentary at the museum? It's playing Tuesday at 7. I'm going to get a ticket. link to ticket site . And go even if friend doesn't.
Alternatively, post details to Facebook, and add friends to the post. Some will be unavailable, some may want to go.
People get busy, procrastinate, have social phobias, etc. But they indicated an interest in going with you, following up is a nice thing.
posted by theora55 at 9:08 AM on December 28, 2019 [14 favorites]
Alternatively, post details to Facebook, and add friends to the post. Some will be unavailable, some may want to go.
People get busy, procrastinate, have social phobias, etc. But they indicated an interest in going with you, following up is a nice thing.
posted by theora55 at 9:08 AM on December 28, 2019 [14 favorites]
I can't count how many times me or one of my friends has said - we should totally do the thing.... but we don't because no-one organises it.
I would say that nearly 50% of the time, plans like “hey, a week from now let’s all go to trivia night together” end up falling through, and I don’t have unusually flaky friends. It’s really common! There’s a reason Curb Your Enthusiasm did that episode about confirming plans ;-)
posted by sallybrown at 9:10 AM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I would say that nearly 50% of the time, plans like “hey, a week from now let’s all go to trivia night together” end up falling through, and I don’t have unusually flaky friends. It’s really common! There’s a reason Curb Your Enthusiasm did that episode about confirming plans ;-)
posted by sallybrown at 9:10 AM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
If this is mostly about the two cases you cited, I think it's much less about the quality of friendships than just circumstances. For the person who went home, going home can be about so many things that are not to do with you - remembering commitments, being tired out, having a crash. In that case I think you could have warmly said "oh, sorry to hear you need to go home, I was really looking forward to [x]" and then firming up plans for the same or similar.
For the second - grand, drunk plans can be a total bonding ritual, but in the making of them - not necessarily following through. However, if you want grand plans to work through it does often take two people.
Now if these are just examples, and even in your reaction, I would like to warmly suggest two areas of reflection. The first is this sense that people are "dangling" things in front of you to snatch them away. That sounds like either something from childhood, or some kind of path thing - like being in academia where there's kind of constant barriers to success that feel very personal. Is there something else in your life that is leading you to make such terrible assumptions about people that they are bringing things up to effectively taunt you? I would say it is super, super common for my friends and I to talk about wishes for plans, and not be able to follow up for various reasons, and the actual sharing of the desire is what makes the friendship...not being the dolers-out of experiences, if that makes sense. (Not that doing things together isn't important too.) I would really think about whether this points to a pattern or a lack that is broader in your life and address that.
The second is that I get the feeling that you believe your friends are all magically - um - pointed and effective in their follow-up. Like if they don't do this perfect follow up with you where they take care of all the logistics, it's because they don't like you. As opposed to that they are busy/tired/had competing plans/got dragged into work/found it was more expensive than they'd thought/ended up binging TV instead due to inertia. It's like you've got this anxious, dark belief about yourself that secretly people are loathing or judging you unworthy, and you've built up people that you supposedly are also friends to, people that might really value your input/planning/support, as these judging perfectly-following-up-with-intent people. That seems...really harsh to me.
For me, it might be 'cause we have kids, but most of my friends and I probably follow through on 30-50% of "fun" things we want to do. And more like 90-100% of things we have to do like taking care of kids or working. Part of being friends is communicating when "no, I need you to come out with me to see art or my soul will crack this week" is more in the emergency support part of things, and that often means some follow up.
For me also, if I feel like my friends are not planning enough...it's usually a sign that I personally need to plan more, whether that's planning for myself to do fun things or planning with them.
TL;DR:
- be kinder in making assumptions about your friends deliberately not following through AT you
- if you're basing this on one or two situations, don't judge everyone by those two situations
- find out why you're feeling so let down on an almost child/adult dynamic level and take on a bit of work making sure you are filling your own well
posted by warriorqueen at 9:47 AM on December 28, 2019 [11 favorites]
For the second - grand, drunk plans can be a total bonding ritual, but in the making of them - not necessarily following through. However, if you want grand plans to work through it does often take two people.
Now if these are just examples, and even in your reaction, I would like to warmly suggest two areas of reflection. The first is this sense that people are "dangling" things in front of you to snatch them away. That sounds like either something from childhood, or some kind of path thing - like being in academia where there's kind of constant barriers to success that feel very personal. Is there something else in your life that is leading you to make such terrible assumptions about people that they are bringing things up to effectively taunt you? I would say it is super, super common for my friends and I to talk about wishes for plans, and not be able to follow up for various reasons, and the actual sharing of the desire is what makes the friendship...not being the dolers-out of experiences, if that makes sense. (Not that doing things together isn't important too.) I would really think about whether this points to a pattern or a lack that is broader in your life and address that.
The second is that I get the feeling that you believe your friends are all magically - um - pointed and effective in their follow-up. Like if they don't do this perfect follow up with you where they take care of all the logistics, it's because they don't like you. As opposed to that they are busy/tired/had competing plans/got dragged into work/found it was more expensive than they'd thought/ended up binging TV instead due to inertia. It's like you've got this anxious, dark belief about yourself that secretly people are loathing or judging you unworthy, and you've built up people that you supposedly are also friends to, people that might really value your input/planning/support, as these judging perfectly-following-up-with-intent people. That seems...really harsh to me.
For me, it might be 'cause we have kids, but most of my friends and I probably follow through on 30-50% of "fun" things we want to do. And more like 90-100% of things we have to do like taking care of kids or working. Part of being friends is communicating when "no, I need you to come out with me to see art or my soul will crack this week" is more in the emergency support part of things, and that often means some follow up.
For me also, if I feel like my friends are not planning enough...it's usually a sign that I personally need to plan more, whether that's planning for myself to do fun things or planning with them.
TL;DR:
- be kinder in making assumptions about your friends deliberately not following through AT you
- if you're basing this on one or two situations, don't judge everyone by those two situations
- find out why you're feeling so let down on an almost child/adult dynamic level and take on a bit of work making sure you are filling your own well
posted by warriorqueen at 9:47 AM on December 28, 2019 [11 favorites]
I've been on the other side of this at times. For me, I would like signs that you are as enthusiastic about the idea as I am. Otherwise I will feel like I'm forcing you to accompany me something you aren't actually interested in, and that doesn't feel very nice. In particular, if you don't follow up, I might assume you were only enthusiastic about the idea I suggested before to be polite, and that you aren't actually interested.
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 11:42 AM on December 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 11:42 AM on December 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
I discovered relatively late in life that sometimes other people honestly forget extravagant promises & suggestions they make when they're drunk (because this does not happen to me). but if you think they remember what they said, but you suspect an invitation was just beautiful drunk talk, it is ok to just say Hey, I know we were drunk the other night when you said we should quit our jobs & fly to Paris, so I won't hold you to it, but just in case you were serious you should know that I absolutely would.
sober suggestions, absolutely do follow up on. Maybe they aren't really excited about whatever it is anymore, and that's fine! they can just say so when you ask. the only awkward thing would be if they decide they don't want to do it with YOU. and these are your friends, so even if this is the real fear in the back of your mind, put that fear away and talk to them like you're sure they want to do something with you soon, because they said so.
it is ok to offer your enthusiasm and interest without a guarantee of reciprocation. It is ok to say I really want to do that thing you mentioned! Is wednesday still good? I can get the tickets and meet you there! The worst they can do is back out. They are not going to think it is weird for you to admit that you actually want to do a thing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:12 PM on December 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
sober suggestions, absolutely do follow up on. Maybe they aren't really excited about whatever it is anymore, and that's fine! they can just say so when you ask. the only awkward thing would be if they decide they don't want to do it with YOU. and these are your friends, so even if this is the real fear in the back of your mind, put that fear away and talk to them like you're sure they want to do something with you soon, because they said so.
it is ok to offer your enthusiasm and interest without a guarantee of reciprocation. It is ok to say I really want to do that thing you mentioned! Is wednesday still good? I can get the tickets and meet you there! The worst they can do is back out. They are not going to think it is weird for you to admit that you actually want to do a thing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:12 PM on December 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
This is a thing I've resorted to doing with friends who always expect me to pay for them everywhere we go (I'm NOT suggesting that is what your friends think you are doing though). I've been trying to make it clear to friends that I'm interested in spending time with them but not always able/willing to pay their way every time. So I'll say, "I'm going to do X event on Thursday in case you're interested." I don't ever mention X event again, figuring if they are interested they'll make the effort to follow up, and if they can't afford it or aren't interested they won't feel they need to explain anything.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:21 PM on December 28, 2019
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:21 PM on December 28, 2019
In particular, if you don't follow up, I might assume you were only enthusiastic about the idea I suggested before to be polite, and that you aren't actually interested.
Yes, if I suggested doing a thing and a friend said yeah, sure, but didn’t seem that excited about it I’d consider not mentioning it again, because they were probably only being polite and I wouldn’t want to make them go through with it. Unless they brought it up again proactively.
If this happened a few times I’d probably end up writing to Ask, saying “I keep suggesting doing things with friends and they say ‘yeah, sure’ but never mention it again. Does this, as I suspect, mean they were only being polite and don’t really want to go?”
posted by fabius at 1:30 PM on December 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
Yes, if I suggested doing a thing and a friend said yeah, sure, but didn’t seem that excited about it I’d consider not mentioning it again, because they were probably only being polite and I wouldn’t want to make them go through with it. Unless they brought it up again proactively.
If this happened a few times I’d probably end up writing to Ask, saying “I keep suggesting doing things with friends and they say ‘yeah, sure’ but never mention it again. Does this, as I suspect, mean they were only being polite and don’t really want to go?”
posted by fabius at 1:30 PM on December 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
It’s also worth baring in mind that you may not be the socially awkward one of your friend group. The friend who no longer wanted to go to the thing, maybe they no longer wanted to go because you didn’t follow up with them and they didn’t want to go alone but also didn’t want to be begging/pressuring you to go (in their mind). I bet if you had said “oh but Joe, I thought we were all set for that” they woulda perked up and been all for it.
posted by J.R. Hartley at 2:19 PM on December 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by J.R. Hartley at 2:19 PM on December 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
in one case it seemed pretty clear to me that the person actually didn't want to do the thing anymore (they came to talk to me about how they were planning to go home instead of mentioning the thing they'd asked me to)
1) If you had asked anyway ("Oh, wait, weren't we going to the movies?") it wouldn't have been rude or an emergency.
2) Sometimes people get weird about forgetting something. So if you ask and they've changed plans or forgotten about your plans, they might act awkward. That doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you rude to have asked.
3) Let's talk about preferred and dispreferred replies! They are a very useful way of managing how this sort of question comes across. You know how, if you say "Aren't we going to X?" it signals that you're expecting and preferring to hear "yes"? And if you say "We're not going to X, are we?" it signals that you're expecting and preferring to hear "no"?
So if you're really super super sure that someone is cancelling on you, and you just want to verify, you can say "We aren't still going to the movies that weekend, are we?" — which tells them that you're expecting a "no," that you won't be upset about a "no," that you're pretty sure you've both collectively dropped the plan, but you're just making sure. That way, there is even less risk of coming across as "awkward" or "clingy" or whatever the thing is that you're worried about being.
(The downside is that if you ask it so the preferred reply is "no," then it makes it a little harder for them to say "yes." So someone who was still hoping to go with the movies with you might think "Gee, Argyle Sock is really not into this movie thing." That means if there's something you've still really got your hopes up about, you might not want to use this trick.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:37 PM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
1) If you had asked anyway ("Oh, wait, weren't we going to the movies?") it wouldn't have been rude or an emergency.
2) Sometimes people get weird about forgetting something. So if you ask and they've changed plans or forgotten about your plans, they might act awkward. That doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you rude to have asked.
3) Let's talk about preferred and dispreferred replies! They are a very useful way of managing how this sort of question comes across. You know how, if you say "Aren't we going to X?" it signals that you're expecting and preferring to hear "yes"? And if you say "We're not going to X, are we?" it signals that you're expecting and preferring to hear "no"?
So if you're really super super sure that someone is cancelling on you, and you just want to verify, you can say "We aren't still going to the movies that weekend, are we?" — which tells them that you're expecting a "no," that you won't be upset about a "no," that you're pretty sure you've both collectively dropped the plan, but you're just making sure. That way, there is even less risk of coming across as "awkward" or "clingy" or whatever the thing is that you're worried about being.
(The downside is that if you ask it so the preferred reply is "no," then it makes it a little harder for them to say "yes." So someone who was still hoping to go with the movies with you might think "Gee, Argyle Sock is really not into this movie thing." That means if there's something you've still really got your hopes up about, you might not want to use this trick.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:37 PM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Many humans are flakes, is what I think this boils down to. You may have to do the work of attempting to nail down plans here and then see if anyone follows through.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:13 PM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:13 PM on December 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm a working mother in my 40s with two small children and I do not have time for any back and forth crap about plans. The best way I've found to follow through is the following:
Friend: We could do X on Friday?
Me: Sure! Shall we firm it up straight away? (pulling out phone and open calendar app and/or google event details, which is usually a cue for friend to do the same). I could meet you at 7 at the ticket counter?
Friend: That works for me.
Me: Cool! All set, then. Looking forward to Friday!
The idea is to make it clear straight away that these now firm plans.
Then, a day or couple of hours before event OR before I need to buy tickets/hire a sitter/whatever I text them with "hey, are we still on tomorrow? Then I'll buy the ticket". This reminds anyone who might have forgotten or not realized we're serious about it.
Over time, I've surrounded myself with friends who also value that kind of straightforward "get things done" approach. I just don't initiate things with proven vague or flakey friends anymore and don't react if they make vague suggestions.
In the event that we talked about doing a Thing but didn't make firm plans right away, I will text them eventually with "hey, are we still on on Friday? If so I could meet you at 7 at the ticket counter."
Assume that people who want to do things with you actually want to do things with you and are just not very organised about it. If they don't want to do things with you, and just...have words coming out of their mouths, they will find ways to flake out anyway once push comes to shove. Then you just take them less seriously next time.
There's no harm in firming up plans to make things happen. You're not overstepping. The idea that people might secretly not want you there and you need to give them an easy out is your own insecurity speaking. Get over the fear and take people at their word until they teach you otherwise.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:13 AM on December 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
Friend: We could do X on Friday?
Me: Sure! Shall we firm it up straight away? (pulling out phone and open calendar app and/or google event details, which is usually a cue for friend to do the same). I could meet you at 7 at the ticket counter?
Friend: That works for me.
Me: Cool! All set, then. Looking forward to Friday!
The idea is to make it clear straight away that these now firm plans.
Then, a day or couple of hours before event OR before I need to buy tickets/hire a sitter/whatever I text them with "hey, are we still on tomorrow? Then I'll buy the ticket". This reminds anyone who might have forgotten or not realized we're serious about it.
Over time, I've surrounded myself with friends who also value that kind of straightforward "get things done" approach. I just don't initiate things with proven vague or flakey friends anymore and don't react if they make vague suggestions.
In the event that we talked about doing a Thing but didn't make firm plans right away, I will text them eventually with "hey, are we still on on Friday? If so I could meet you at 7 at the ticket counter."
Assume that people who want to do things with you actually want to do things with you and are just not very organised about it. If they don't want to do things with you, and just...have words coming out of their mouths, they will find ways to flake out anyway once push comes to shove. Then you just take them less seriously next time.
There's no harm in firming up plans to make things happen. You're not overstepping. The idea that people might secretly not want you there and you need to give them an easy out is your own insecurity speaking. Get over the fear and take people at their word until they teach you otherwise.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:13 AM on December 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
Forgot to add, if you send a "are we still on" text and get no answer, you wait until it's time to shit or get off the pot and then you text a short "hey, haven't heard back from you so I'm going myself/going with other plans instead."
posted by Omnomnom at 2:19 AM on December 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 2:19 AM on December 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You... follow up. "Hey did you still want to go see movie?" or "Are we still getting tickets to foo?" or "Are we still going out on Friday?"
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 AM on December 28, 2019 [44 favorites]