A Decade In A Minute
December 9, 2019 10:22 AM Subscribe
Ten years ago I asked what your 30s are like. I suppose it’s only time to ask to what your 40s are like.
Well that was a weird 10 years. I ended my 30s in a much different situation than I started. I started it concerned about a career and now make more money than I ever expected. I went from married for 16 years to divorced and from worrying about high schools for my daughter to watching her graduate college.
I followed some of the advice from the last question and regret not following other suggestions which I’m working on now. But I was wondering if you all have some new insights to share on what your 40s are like.
Well that was a weird 10 years. I ended my 30s in a much different situation than I started. I started it concerned about a career and now make more money than I ever expected. I went from married for 16 years to divorced and from worrying about high schools for my daughter to watching her graduate college.
I followed some of the advice from the last question and regret not following other suggestions which I’m working on now. But I was wondering if you all have some new insights to share on what your 40s are like.
It's just like your 30s only with more cortisone shots.
posted by bondcliff at 10:57 AM on December 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 10:57 AM on December 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
I was waiting for someone to lead with something lighter, but in my 40s I got to become REALLY GOOD at funerals. What used to be 'oh no I have a VIEWING to go to on Thursday' is now 'I have to leave work 10 minutes early to swing by that visitation so I can get in and out before the line gets super-long and then I'll hit up the grocery store on the way home -- you need anything?"
I even have a 'funeral outfit' now, because my parents' friends (and my friends' parents) are no longer dying "young," but dying on time. Former teachers, the adults in the neighborhood I grew up in, scoutmasters/troop leaders, all of the people I grew up watching on television. Death has really become a part of life now, and life does keep moving on.
On the less ghoulish side, that whole 'no more fucks to give' trope is pretty true to a point. The things I do still give fucks about, I am more vocal and passionate about. And I give no more fucks what people think of me because of it.
posted by kimberussell at 10:58 AM on December 9, 2019 [13 favorites]
I even have a 'funeral outfit' now, because my parents' friends (and my friends' parents) are no longer dying "young," but dying on time. Former teachers, the adults in the neighborhood I grew up in, scoutmasters/troop leaders, all of the people I grew up watching on television. Death has really become a part of life now, and life does keep moving on.
On the less ghoulish side, that whole 'no more fucks to give' trope is pretty true to a point. The things I do still give fucks about, I am more vocal and passionate about. And I give no more fucks what people think of me because of it.
posted by kimberussell at 10:58 AM on December 9, 2019 [13 favorites]
Yeah, I'm sorry to be negative too but the main thing I've noticed as I get deeper into my 40s is that more bad things are happening to people I love. Friends are getting sick, parents dying, sad divorces. I myself was diagnosed with cancer at 38 (I'm fine now) but now, at 43, I realize I was only the first. It's happening all around me now. It's scary. BUT! I think what this does to the psyche is make you really work hard to appreciate every good thing that happens. We really are here for such a short amount of time, and sometimes that time can suck, but the times that don't - I really pay attention to those now, much moreso than I ever did before.
posted by something something at 11:07 AM on December 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by something something at 11:07 AM on December 9, 2019 [9 favorites]
I think what this does to the psyche is make you really work hard to appreciate every good thing that happens.
One of the interesting things about my 40s - and something that almost never happened in my 30s - is that when things are going well, I seem much more likely to reflexively appreciate it and feel grateful. We've been dealing with some pretty intense eldercare issues of late, are raising two young kids, have some close friends going through a brutal divorce ... the other night, just sitting on the couch with a beer and a magazine, listening to my kids playing happily in another room, I felt a sense of peace (even acknowledging it as only temporary) that I probably couldn't have gotten to spontaneously 10 years ago.
If you're not already, I recommend seeking out and spending time with smart, engaged 50+ people if you can. You'll see the downsides of what is coming, but also that plenty of folks manage to not knuckle under to that, to face it with some humor and grace, and to continue to have a lot of worthwhile things going on day-to-day. It has been helpful for me in having some perspective on increasing aches and pains, my teeth falling apart, etc.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:38 AM on December 9, 2019 [16 favorites]
One of the interesting things about my 40s - and something that almost never happened in my 30s - is that when things are going well, I seem much more likely to reflexively appreciate it and feel grateful. We've been dealing with some pretty intense eldercare issues of late, are raising two young kids, have some close friends going through a brutal divorce ... the other night, just sitting on the couch with a beer and a magazine, listening to my kids playing happily in another room, I felt a sense of peace (even acknowledging it as only temporary) that I probably couldn't have gotten to spontaneously 10 years ago.
If you're not already, I recommend seeking out and spending time with smart, engaged 50+ people if you can. You'll see the downsides of what is coming, but also that plenty of folks manage to not knuckle under to that, to face it with some humor and grace, and to continue to have a lot of worthwhile things going on day-to-day. It has been helpful for me in having some perspective on increasing aches and pains, my teeth falling apart, etc.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:38 AM on December 9, 2019 [16 favorites]
At 40 one is finally old enough to understand and enjoy Proust. (Just one of many classic works that become wonderfully clear in middle age... maybe other commenters can share others.)
posted by mark7570 at 11:55 AM on December 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by mark7570 at 11:55 AM on December 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
One strange thing I've had happen in my mid-40s is start to have weird detailed nostalgia-infused dreams about people and events from my late 20s. This has been strange because I'm nor normally someone who looks back on past events, does not dwell on "glory days", and don't really care consciously about anything my dreams have focused on. I'm wondering if it's some weird biochemical manifestation of a mid-life crisis.
posted by benzenedream at 11:56 AM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 11:56 AM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: At 40 one is finally old enough to understand and enjoy Proust. (Just one of many classic works that become wonderfully clear in middle age... maybe other commenters can share others.)
Yes! I read all of In Search of Lost Time a few years ago after failing numerous times in my early 20s. I welcome any similar book recommendations.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 12:09 PM on December 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
Yes! I read all of In Search of Lost Time a few years ago after failing numerous times in my early 20s. I welcome any similar book recommendations.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 12:09 PM on December 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
I am so glad I waited til just hitting my forties to tackle Proust, I can't even tell you.
Henry James's The Ambassadors might also be profitably read at this age, I think.
Everything is less abstract now, the good and the bad. Consequences seem weightier. You stop thinking of the future as a near-infinite resource.
posted by praemunire at 12:33 PM on December 9, 2019 [7 favorites]
Henry James's The Ambassadors might also be profitably read at this age, I think.
Everything is less abstract now, the good and the bad. Consequences seem weightier. You stop thinking of the future as a near-infinite resource.
posted by praemunire at 12:33 PM on December 9, 2019 [7 favorites]
Your mental illnesses don't magically vanish. I have read so many articles that make it sound like you will just stop caring about what other people think of you in your forties and generally "get better" from all of your issues, and here I am at 42 with my anxiety (social and general) and depression fully intact.
I guess it's true that sometimes I do say no to people, step away from toxic situations, etc., but that's ten years of therapy, not the natural aging process.
posted by missrachael at 12:37 PM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
I guess it's true that sometimes I do say no to people, step away from toxic situations, etc., but that's ten years of therapy, not the natural aging process.
posted by missrachael at 12:37 PM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
Single cis female here, now in my mid 50s--40 was when my body really started changing. I had been able to eat pretty much whatever I wanted and not gain weight up to that point--after I hit 40, I really had to start paying attention to what I ate, portion sizes, and paying attention to my activity level. My inner clock also shifted and I started going to bed earlier and really just ENJOYING being in bed and sleeping. I fell in love with naps.
My skin also really settled down--I'd had periodic breakouts pretty regularly, but after 40 I rarely if ever have breakouts.
Thinking about the future is much less abstract. The need to make concrete plans and preparations moves to the forefront.
My 40s was also when I started really learning that "No" could be a complete sentence.
posted by bookmammal at 12:40 PM on December 9, 2019 [10 favorites]
My skin also really settled down--I'd had periodic breakouts pretty regularly, but after 40 I rarely if ever have breakouts.
Thinking about the future is much less abstract. The need to make concrete plans and preparations moves to the forefront.
My 40s was also when I started really learning that "No" could be a complete sentence.
posted by bookmammal at 12:40 PM on December 9, 2019 [10 favorites]
The mid-life crisis is a real thing and may even have biological origins that stretch across other primates. I posted this thread when I was in the throes of my own, just a few days before I turned 43. I'm nearly 48 now, and I'm happy to report that I have since rebounded, and once again feel grateful for my life and reasonably content with the life choices I have made. Even with the stuff I don't like, I can see how it fits into the overall shape of my life, and make some sort of peace with it.
Assuming that my emotions continue to follow the average statistical trend, I look forward to becoming happier still with every decade from now on.
One interesting thing I just learned: your brain's ability to produce myelin decreases greatly in your 50s, which may be one reason why it's harder to learn new skills as you get older. So, if there is a language or an instrument or other new skill you've always wanted to learn, it's never going to be easier than it is now. (It will never be impossible! Lifelong learning is definitely a thing. But for any given skill, it will take probably take you fewer hours of practice to master it now than it will in a decade or two.)
posted by yankeefog at 12:43 PM on December 9, 2019 [8 favorites]
Assuming that my emotions continue to follow the average statistical trend, I look forward to becoming happier still with every decade from now on.
One interesting thing I just learned: your brain's ability to produce myelin decreases greatly in your 50s, which may be one reason why it's harder to learn new skills as you get older. So, if there is a language or an instrument or other new skill you've always wanted to learn, it's never going to be easier than it is now. (It will never be impossible! Lifelong learning is definitely a thing. But for any given skill, it will take probably take you fewer hours of practice to master it now than it will in a decade or two.)
posted by yankeefog at 12:43 PM on December 9, 2019 [8 favorites]
I agree with everything noted above, and am also finding that the cliche about time starting to move very fast is true. Last week I was talking about a movie to someone and said that it had been released in the past 5-10 years. It was released in 2002. A lot has happened to me in the past 20 years, but it still seems like 2000 was not long ago at all.
posted by queensissy at 12:52 PM on December 9, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by queensissy at 12:52 PM on December 9, 2019 [10 favorites]
You stop thinking of the future as a near-infinite resource.
I don't have much to add to this except: yep. Doors close, seemingly for good.
posted by less of course at 2:42 PM on December 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
I don't have much to add to this except: yep. Doors close, seemingly for good.
posted by less of course at 2:42 PM on December 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
Re no fucks to give: I know what I'm doing professionally (in terms both of skill and of industry knowledge) and can therefore fight my corner much harder than I would have in my twenties or thirties and feel better about it afterward.
Re health: Even if, like me, you're lucky enough to be basically healthy at the moment, little things are more likely to break down and take longer to recover.
Re future: I married at forty, and feel that I'm always conscious that things the way they are (which is really good!) are impermanent; we may have to spend months or years apart for parent care, "taking care of spouse who's got a cold" is good practice for "taking care of spouse who has a serious long-term illness," even if we remain happily married for ever one of us will eventually be widowed, and so on. I don't think I would have had this strong an awareness as a newly married person if we were both in our twenties.
Otherwise: Except for issues of health and aging (own and others), I like being in my forties and would take it over my twenties any time. I know a lot more about who I am and what I'm for, and can take charge of my own life a lot more securely and directedly. So far, knock wood, it's a pretty good decade.
posted by huimangm at 2:53 PM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
Re health: Even if, like me, you're lucky enough to be basically healthy at the moment, little things are more likely to break down and take longer to recover.
Re future: I married at forty, and feel that I'm always conscious that things the way they are (which is really good!) are impermanent; we may have to spend months or years apart for parent care, "taking care of spouse who's got a cold" is good practice for "taking care of spouse who has a serious long-term illness," even if we remain happily married for ever one of us will eventually be widowed, and so on. I don't think I would have had this strong an awareness as a newly married person if we were both in our twenties.
Otherwise: Except for issues of health and aging (own and others), I like being in my forties and would take it over my twenties any time. I know a lot more about who I am and what I'm for, and can take charge of my own life a lot more securely and directedly. So far, knock wood, it's a pretty good decade.
posted by huimangm at 2:53 PM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm only 2 years into my forties, but I've noticed that LOTS of my friends are going through big life overhauls. Figuring out what's important to them and committing to that. It's pretty cool.
posted by lunasol at 5:12 PM on December 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 5:12 PM on December 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
If your parents were even remotely good at their jobs, this is the time in your life when you'll start to find a lot of stuff they taught you really useful. It's the time in your life when you'll start to wish you could go back in time and say, "Hey... by the way, thanks for teaching me X, mom & dad! Sorry I gave you such a hard time about it."
(Note: If you're lucky enough to still have your parents in your 40's... you might want to get on this sooner rather than later.)
(Note the 2nd: If you're lucky enough to love your parents AND still have your parents in your 40's... you might want to be sure they know that, sooner rather than later.)
posted by invincible summer at 5:31 PM on December 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
(Note: If you're lucky enough to still have your parents in your 40's... you might want to get on this sooner rather than later.)
(Note the 2nd: If you're lucky enough to love your parents AND still have your parents in your 40's... you might want to be sure they know that, sooner rather than later.)
posted by invincible summer at 5:31 PM on December 9, 2019 [4 favorites]
The people who are still by your side after 40: friends, family, even coworkers you don’t especially even like—that’s your community, your heart.
posted by kapers at 6:30 PM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by kapers at 6:30 PM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
The 40s are terrible. Everyone -- your folks, your friends, your sibs,your kids -- needs taking care of all the time. Your body starts breaking and you don't have time or money to do anything about it. Everything hurts and you realize that's only going to get worse. You realize your life is finite, and if your midlife crisis doesn't destroy your life, maybe your spouse's will. I hear the 50s are an improvement.
posted by shadygrove at 8:21 PM on December 9, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 8:21 PM on December 9, 2019 [8 favorites]
Right now, for me, 40s are about my parents hitting that point where they need me, particularly since one parent has been diagnosed with dementia. I'm really struggling with finding some balance between ensuring that they're as safe and well as circumstances allow and also keeping my own life on track. I'm angry - I have deep wells of fury that I never even knew were there.
I've stopped saying (and hoping) things like "that year wasn't so great, maybe this year will be better" because I know every year that my parent with dementia remains alive is going to be progressively harder, and that I've just started a grieving process that will last for several years. Instead of hoping for a happy year, I have to get better at finding the little opportunities for joy and connection where ever they turn up. I'm fucking sad and angry and scared, so I'm not sure about pulling this off.
And since women become less employable as they age, I have to stay on top of my shit at work.
At the same time, I'm grateful that I can help my parents and it's satisfying when I'm able to make some progress with health care or finding resources. I have been flaky my whole life, and I didn't know I could do what I've done so far.
posted by bunderful at 8:36 PM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
I've stopped saying (and hoping) things like "that year wasn't so great, maybe this year will be better" because I know every year that my parent with dementia remains alive is going to be progressively harder, and that I've just started a grieving process that will last for several years. Instead of hoping for a happy year, I have to get better at finding the little opportunities for joy and connection where ever they turn up. I'm fucking sad and angry and scared, so I'm not sure about pulling this off.
And since women become less employable as they age, I have to stay on top of my shit at work.
At the same time, I'm grateful that I can help my parents and it's satisfying when I'm able to make some progress with health care or finding resources. I have been flaky my whole life, and I didn't know I could do what I've done so far.
posted by bunderful at 8:36 PM on December 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
Things hurt longer. On any given day there's some mild ache or twinge somewhere that would have been alarming a few years ago. Now it's just, "Oh, I guess today it's this."
If you have a choice between doing a bunch of repetitive or high-impact motions, and not, pick the latter. You'll be happy later.
But if it's repetitive, high-impact motions or nothing, probably keep moving. (IANAD, TINMA.)
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 10:31 PM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you have a choice between doing a bunch of repetitive or high-impact motions, and not, pick the latter. You'll be happy later.
But if it's repetitive, high-impact motions or nothing, probably keep moving. (IANAD, TINMA.)
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 10:31 PM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
i'm literally waiting for various body parts to just start falling off at this point. my flesh prison's warranty has expired. the only thing i care about anymore is pooping normally. when will that happen again, who knows. it feels surprising to have made it this far.
real talk though i'm honestly grateful my parents are already dead bc dealing with that on top of all my own issues would be hell.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:39 PM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
real talk though i'm honestly grateful my parents are already dead bc dealing with that on top of all my own issues would be hell.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:39 PM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
You definitely start running out of fucks to give.
Also, you realize everyone around you is going through some shit: relationship troubles, divorces, health issues, deaths, problems at work, career issues, money problems, caring for elderly parents, trying to have kids, caring for kids, problems with kids... Everyone's lives are dumpster fires, but we just keep trudging along and trying to look normal.
posted by gakiko at 1:06 AM on December 10, 2019 [11 favorites]
Also, you realize everyone around you is going through some shit: relationship troubles, divorces, health issues, deaths, problems at work, career issues, money problems, caring for elderly parents, trying to have kids, caring for kids, problems with kids... Everyone's lives are dumpster fires, but we just keep trudging along and trying to look normal.
posted by gakiko at 1:06 AM on December 10, 2019 [11 favorites]
Do you have good vision? If you do, there’s a good chance you will find yourself needing glasses. Random things will start to hurt. You will understand the importance of getting at least somewhat active - you’d be surprised how many people 40 and up are out on tough trails. As has been mentioned a few times in this thread, the whole “no more fucks to give” thing? Real. The further you get into your forties, the more you start realizing life is changing. Start planning for the things you really want to do, even if you can’t do them right away.
posted by azpenguin at 6:36 AM on December 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by azpenguin at 6:36 AM on December 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
In my experience, the forties weren't great. People above have lined it out. Your parents are getting older, your kids are getting older, maybe you are mid-career and need to put out your stakes at work. I put on a lot of weight after 39.
Yesterday, I talked with a friend about this post, because we were both realizing that a lot of our struggles during the last decade were also about menopause.
On the other hand, I learnt a lot, both in my professional life and my personal life. And I have become better at sharing my knowledge than I was in my thirties.
If I could advise my younger self, it would be to cherish the knowledge and the friendships which are both different from those of the 30-something. More than anything else, I'd tell myself to prioritize real love and friendship and my own values over superficial stuff. In my case, what I now see as a midlife crisis led me to some stupid choices. Not so much buying a Ferrari and getting a younger boyfriend, though I did dip into that, more that I didn't always trust my own instincts because I had this stupid "last chance" feeling, both personally and at work.
posted by mumimor at 6:51 AM on December 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
Yesterday, I talked with a friend about this post, because we were both realizing that a lot of our struggles during the last decade were also about menopause.
On the other hand, I learnt a lot, both in my professional life and my personal life. And I have become better at sharing my knowledge than I was in my thirties.
If I could advise my younger self, it would be to cherish the knowledge and the friendships which are both different from those of the 30-something. More than anything else, I'd tell myself to prioritize real love and friendship and my own values over superficial stuff. In my case, what I now see as a midlife crisis led me to some stupid choices. Not so much buying a Ferrari and getting a younger boyfriend, though I did dip into that, more that I didn't always trust my own instincts because I had this stupid "last chance" feeling, both personally and at work.
posted by mumimor at 6:51 AM on December 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
My 30s were a bit of a shit-show. Partly because I gave too many fucks. At 44, I think I've gotten a better grip on the things that do matter (family with whom I have non-toxic relationships, friends, local community, health, etc.) and have flushed the rest. Therapy, meditation, and medication have all helped in that regard.
On a slightly related note, I highly recommend introducing Metamucil to your life.
posted by medeine at 1:07 PM on December 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
On a slightly related note, I highly recommend introducing Metamucil to your life.
posted by medeine at 1:07 PM on December 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm 47, and I think I thought by now I would just settle into life. But that hasn't been the case. I've been learning all sorts of things about myself, and figuring out what's important and acting on it. Just in the last year, I've gone from playing guitar and piano sporadically to 2 or even 3 hours a day. I was just diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and it has opened a whole new horizon in understanding how I go through the world.
Also, I am fully admitting to myself that I wasn't just experimenting when I had a couple boyfriends before marrying my wife 17 years ago, but that I'm bi/pan/queer (I haven't settled on the best term) and want to be more open about that.
I was just talking to a friend the other day about how I didn't even realize that I had this expectation that maturity was linear, and that I'd just feel more secure and wise as I got older, and that is so not the case. I feel like I'm having some of the intensity of self-discovery like I had as a teenager.
A lot of this rethinking of things was made possible, I think, in part because our kids are now 7 and 12, so even though they still require a lot of attention, especially the littler one, they are out of the 0-5 zone where they are utterly enveloping.
posted by umbú at 5:55 AM on December 11, 2019 [3 favorites]
Also, I am fully admitting to myself that I wasn't just experimenting when I had a couple boyfriends before marrying my wife 17 years ago, but that I'm bi/pan/queer (I haven't settled on the best term) and want to be more open about that.
I was just talking to a friend the other day about how I didn't even realize that I had this expectation that maturity was linear, and that I'd just feel more secure and wise as I got older, and that is so not the case. I feel like I'm having some of the intensity of self-discovery like I had as a teenager.
A lot of this rethinking of things was made possible, I think, in part because our kids are now 7 and 12, so even though they still require a lot of attention, especially the littler one, they are out of the 0-5 zone where they are utterly enveloping.
posted by umbú at 5:55 AM on December 11, 2019 [3 favorites]
One more thing I wanted to add:
In my late forties, it now takes me a few extra seconds to retrieve words and facts from my memory. But I'm better able to focus on what matters to me, and to let go of things that don't.
In other words, I've lost cleverness and gained wisdom. That's an acceptable tradeoff.
posted by yankeefog at 3:31 AM on December 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
In my late forties, it now takes me a few extra seconds to retrieve words and facts from my memory. But I'm better able to focus on what matters to me, and to let go of things that don't.
In other words, I've lost cleverness and gained wisdom. That's an acceptable tradeoff.
posted by yankeefog at 3:31 AM on December 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
nobody I know made it through their 40s without something happening. Something always happens, of course, but here I'm speaking of big deal life-takes-an-anticipated-turn kind of of stuff. Somebody dies. Somebody gets sick. Somebody gets fired. Somebody realizes they've got a serious lifestyle problem that just can't be shrugged off anymore. Your 40s will age you.
And then toward the end of the decade (or maybe a bit into the next one), most men kind of go crazy for a while. They just do. Ideally, they realize it as such and don't take any life altering action. Many don't. Seriously, you will go Middle Age Crazy if you're a guy. Maybe everyone does. But I can only speak for guys here.
posted by philip-random at 11:47 PM on December 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
And then toward the end of the decade (or maybe a bit into the next one), most men kind of go crazy for a while. They just do. Ideally, they realize it as such and don't take any life altering action. Many don't. Seriously, you will go Middle Age Crazy if you're a guy. Maybe everyone does. But I can only speak for guys here.
posted by philip-random at 11:47 PM on December 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
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posted by mhoye at 10:55 AM on December 9, 2019 [16 favorites]