Mustache Pageant Colour Commentary

November 27, 2019 3:23 PM

I am on the Movember committee at my work place. My colleagues have decided there will be a mustache pageant to wrap things up. I am the designated MC. Can you provide a series of one-liners that I can add after I introduce each mo bro? Must be safe for work, and ideally funny - but I refuse to be cruel. Can you help me fill in the blanks?

For example:
"First up we have Bob. _____________"
"Next is John. ___________"
"And here's Jim. ______________"

We have 12 participants this year.

posted by Juniper Toast to Grab Bag (10 answers total)

What kind of mustaches do Bob, John, and Jim have? I feel like this is where you would make a light joke about the their 'stache. Something like, "Here come's Bob riding in with both hands on his handlebar!" Insert appropriate lighthearted introduction depending on type of mustache.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 3:51 PM on November 27, 2019

"Bob's luxurious soup-strainer has been identified by scientists as a breakthrough in high-efficiency water filtration."

"John's 'tache has given him such a strong cop face that he'll be leaving us this month, as he's been recruited by the FBI."

"Jim's upper lip is now so warm, he single-handedly upgrades our building's Energy Star heating efficiency rating every day he comes in."

For someone who's gotten more ambitious with their facial hair:

"Next up, Bill Smithson. Bill, we just got a call from General Burnside's descendants. They saw your picture and want to rename them Sonsmiths."
posted by biogeo at 3:53 PM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]

You could end the pagaent by saying 'And now I'm afraid I must-ache you all to leave!'
posted by Chairboy at 3:54 PM on November 27, 2019 [8 favorites]

Sports commentary of escalating weirdness: Joe's mustache just executed a perfect triple axle followed by a toe loop. Look at that form! Perfect spin, perfect landing. The judges love it. Bob's mustache is attempting the heaviest deadlift ever performed here in scranton - 350lbs. Aaaand.....its clean! He does it!
posted by Ausamor at 4:29 PM on November 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

This is the time for puns.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 5:00 PM on November 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Given these are very young mustaches, it makes sense to be kind.

"Javier's mustache is only four weeks old and already knows the state capitals by heart."
"Lonny's mustache is an heirloom varietal grown traditionally, without fertilizers or pesticides."
"We asked Robert's mustache what it wants to be when it grows up, and it replied, 'a push broom.'"
posted by roger ackroyd at 5:01 PM on November 27, 2019 [17 favorites]

"Is 6 and 8 in the Los Angeles Mustache Wrestling league"

"A pasta-only diet to produce the amazing luster in their 'stache"

"The Whisker from East Lansing"

"Makes barbers cry when they walk in at the beauty of their underside sinusoidal scalloping"

"Once fought off a rouge Bic razor aiming to cut this Lip warmer short"

"Lost in last year's olympics of mustaches by a hair"

"So well groomed and behaved, this mustache has a standing invitation to Westminster Kennel Mustache Show"

"Back again this year in a strong show after a near crippling accident with a waffle maker"
posted by nickggully at 7:01 PM on November 27, 2019 [5 favorites]

Facts about mustaches could be good, like the average mustache has 600 hairs. There are many mustache facts a quick google away :)
posted by wowenthusiast at 10:08 PM on November 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Definitely a "stiff upper lip" joke.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:27 PM on November 28, 2019

You could also do the celebrity lookalike thing, like "What? Tom Selleck works here? No, that's just Frank from accounting!"

Etc.

I'm trying to work out one involving mustachioed and pistachios, but it's not coming.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:29 PM on November 28, 2019