What should I be doing about my mom's abusive roommate?
November 27, 2019 9:12 AM Subscribe
My mom is in a shared room in an assisted living facility. Her roommate is verbally abusive and harrasses my mother. What should I be doing?
Hi, my mom (75 and of sound mind) moved into an assisted living facility in June. Due to budget constraints she is in a shared room. Her roommate (98? and senile) has lived there for 5 years and has run out three other roommates through harrassment (she wants the room to herself).
What she is doing:
1) Telling my mother to go to hell and being verbally abusive. I have personally witnessed this.
2) Going to my mother's side of the room and standing in front of her television and then verbally abusing her.
3) Purposefully defecating on the floor and the toilet seat of the shared bathroom.
What I've been doing and my mom has been doing:
1) The tv in the middle of the night stopped when my mom was using her call button to alert one of the residential aids.
2) I've emailed the director about the verbal abuse and defecating on the floor and toilet seat. She said she would address it immediately.
More information:
1) The entire staff is aware of that roommate behaves this way. She treats the staff the same way.
2) Yesterday, three residential aids along with their supervisor were in the room after roommate has soiled the bed to try to get her cleaned up. Roommate refused.
Yes, this is a sad situation for this woman and her family but I need to look out for my mom first. She's going to be starting chemo in a few weeks and cannot have excrement all over their shared space. She is paying her rent on time and abiding by the rules of the facility. My mother does not want to move and does not want to give in to being bullied.
Other than emailing the director every day, what else should I be doing? This is in California. Should I lodge a complaint with the California Department of Soical Services? What should I say? Should I inform the director that I am filing a complaint?
Thanks in advance.
Hi, my mom (75 and of sound mind) moved into an assisted living facility in June. Due to budget constraints she is in a shared room. Her roommate (98? and senile) has lived there for 5 years and has run out three other roommates through harrassment (she wants the room to herself).
What she is doing:
1) Telling my mother to go to hell and being verbally abusive. I have personally witnessed this.
2) Going to my mother's side of the room and standing in front of her television and then verbally abusing her.
3) Purposefully defecating on the floor and the toilet seat of the shared bathroom.
What I've been doing and my mom has been doing:
1) The tv in the middle of the night stopped when my mom was using her call button to alert one of the residential aids.
2) I've emailed the director about the verbal abuse and defecating on the floor and toilet seat. She said she would address it immediately.
More information:
1) The entire staff is aware of that roommate behaves this way. She treats the staff the same way.
2) Yesterday, three residential aids along with their supervisor were in the room after roommate has soiled the bed to try to get her cleaned up. Roommate refused.
Yes, this is a sad situation for this woman and her family but I need to look out for my mom first. She's going to be starting chemo in a few weeks and cannot have excrement all over their shared space. She is paying her rent on time and abiding by the rules of the facility. My mother does not want to move and does not want to give in to being bullied.
Other than emailing the director every day, what else should I be doing? This is in California. Should I lodge a complaint with the California Department of Soical Services? What should I say? Should I inform the director that I am filing a complaint?
Thanks in advance.
If you are really just interested in looking out for your mom, get her moved to another room. Standing up to a bully is frequently a laudable position, but the "bully" here is senile and at death's door. There's no lesson you're going to impart to her. She is not responsible for her actions.
And what resolution could you hope to get from filing a complaint other than getting your mom moved to another room? You're not going to get the roommate who's lived there for five years moved.
I do think you should press the facility for a private room for your mom, at least temporarily, as partial compensation for the bad situation your mom has had to endure. Good luck with this.
posted by queensissy at 9:24 AM on November 27, 2019 [43 favorites]
And what resolution could you hope to get from filing a complaint other than getting your mom moved to another room? You're not going to get the roommate who's lived there for five years moved.
I do think you should press the facility for a private room for your mom, at least temporarily, as partial compensation for the bad situation your mom has had to endure. Good luck with this.
posted by queensissy at 9:24 AM on November 27, 2019 [43 favorites]
Does your facility contract include a "chain of command" for complaints? This is included in my mother's assisted living facility agreement. Every time something happens, call the executive director, document that you have done so, and then start escalating (eg, corporate VP or whomever they list).
Document everything.
I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by teragram at 9:26 AM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
Document everything.
I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by teragram at 9:26 AM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
Talk to the case manager. At the very least, roommate should be on behavior monitoring. Probably your mom will move to another room. This happens all the time.
posted by Riverine at 9:27 AM on November 27, 2019
posted by Riverine at 9:27 AM on November 27, 2019
It is not appropriate to room demented and non-demented people together in assisted living unless they have an existing relationship which benefits both. The facility where your mom lives is, at best, not following best practices and at worst is not following basic safety and sanitation practices and the result could kill someone.
Ring the director one more time, and specifically ask for a plan and a timeline. You need to be using the words "abuse," "biohazard," and "neglect." Your mother should not be the "latest" victim of the abuse of her roommate, but the last victim of the abuse of her roommate. My opinion* is that if the issue is not resolved in a manner beneficial to your mother's safety and wellbeing in one week, you should escalate the concern by contacting a lawyer.
*Opinions are like assholes, etc etc.
posted by juniperesque at 9:32 AM on November 27, 2019 [71 favorites]
Ring the director one more time, and specifically ask for a plan and a timeline. You need to be using the words "abuse," "biohazard," and "neglect." Your mother should not be the "latest" victim of the abuse of her roommate, but the last victim of the abuse of her roommate. My opinion* is that if the issue is not resolved in a manner beneficial to your mother's safety and wellbeing in one week, you should escalate the concern by contacting a lawyer.
*Opinions are like assholes, etc etc.
posted by juniperesque at 9:32 AM on November 27, 2019 [71 favorites]
I'd be threatening to call the police about Elder Abuse/Neglect unless they switched her room, personally. I'm not one to jump to calling the cops, but if they are doing nothing about it, you should contact law enforcement. There is no reason to think you need to work within the facility's system. This sounds very serious, and hopefully just a threat will get them to take it seriously. Under-reporting of abuse of all types within these facilities is a big problem.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:42 AM on November 27, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:42 AM on November 27, 2019 [9 favorites]
Call ombudsman services immediately at the link in the first comment. If you don’t get it resolved that way, call DSS at 1-844-LET-US-NO. DSS will come out to investigate and you can report anonymously if you wish although it’s pretty likely they’ll assume it was you who complained.
You have no obligation to tell the administrator before you report.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
posted by assenav at 9:53 AM on November 27, 2019 [7 favorites]
You have no obligation to tell the administrator before you report.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
posted by assenav at 9:53 AM on November 27, 2019 [7 favorites]
If she’s already run out three other roommates, they obviously succeeded in being moved. Can you find out how that was triggered and demand the same?
And as well as emailing every day (to provide a paper trail), I’d follow up emails with daily phone calls, which are harder to ignore and will increase their sense of urgency/discomfort so that they act.
posted by penguin pie at 11:00 AM on November 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
And as well as emailing every day (to provide a paper trail), I’d follow up emails with daily phone calls, which are harder to ignore and will increase their sense of urgency/discomfort so that they act.
posted by penguin pie at 11:00 AM on November 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
You say your mom doesn't want to move. But no one is going to change the behavior of a 98 year old senile woman. Moving to a different room seems to be the only solution. When my mom had a roommate problem a few years ago, I talked to staff and she was moved in less than 48 hours. I would suggest talking to someone in person if possible, or on the phone, rather than email. Have a conversation and see if she can change rooms.
posted by daikon at 11:43 AM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by daikon at 11:43 AM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
You have this internet stranger's permission to raise holy hell to get your mom moved to a private room at the same rate she was paying for the shared room because FUCK THIS. No one should be paying to be treated that way. Also if she's starting chemo, shouldn't she be in her own room anyway due to being immuno-compromised?
I would follow the above people's advice regarding how to make that change happen.
posted by purple_bird at 11:44 AM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
I would follow the above people's advice regarding how to make that change happen.
posted by purple_bird at 11:44 AM on November 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
Seconding ombudsman. The facility should not have put your mom in a room with someone who has driven off other roommates. I’m sure they don’t want to reward bad behavior by giving her her own room but that’s not your mother’s fault or problem.
Caveat: depending on the county, they may be slow. I guess you could say to the director in your email “unless this is resolved immediately, I am contacting the office of the ombudsman,” and see if that lights a fire...
posted by less of course at 12:33 PM on November 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
Caveat: depending on the county, they may be slow. I guess you could say to the director in your email “unless this is resolved immediately, I am contacting the office of the ombudsman,” and see if that lights a fire...
posted by less of course at 12:33 PM on November 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
So you & your mom are familiar with her rights in a California residential care facility, under Title 22: California Code, Health and Safety Code - HSC § 1569.269; in particular:
(5) To be accorded safe, healthful, and comfortable accommodations, furnishings, and equipment.
[...]
(10) To be free from neglect, financial exploitation, involuntary seclusion, punishment, humiliation, intimidation, and verbal, mental, physical, or sexual abuse.
(11) To present grievances and recommend changes in policies, procedures, and services to the staff of the facility, the facility's management and governing authority, and to any other person without restraint, coercion, discrimination, reprisal, or other retaliatory actions. The licensee shall take prompt actions to respond to residents' grievances.
(12) To contact the State Department of Social Services, the long-term care ombudsman, or both, regarding grievances against the licensee. The licensee shall post the telephone numbers and addresses for the local offices of the State Department of Social Services and ombudsman program, in accordance with Section 9718 of the Welfare and Institutions Code, conspicuously in the facility foyer, lobby, residents' activity room, or other location easily accessible to residents.
[...]
(17) To reasonable accommodation of resident preferences concerning room and roommate choices.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:24 PM on November 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
(5) To be accorded safe, healthful, and comfortable accommodations, furnishings, and equipment.
[...]
(10) To be free from neglect, financial exploitation, involuntary seclusion, punishment, humiliation, intimidation, and verbal, mental, physical, or sexual abuse.
(11) To present grievances and recommend changes in policies, procedures, and services to the staff of the facility, the facility's management and governing authority, and to any other person without restraint, coercion, discrimination, reprisal, or other retaliatory actions. The licensee shall take prompt actions to respond to residents' grievances.
(12) To contact the State Department of Social Services, the long-term care ombudsman, or both, regarding grievances against the licensee. The licensee shall post the telephone numbers and addresses for the local offices of the State Department of Social Services and ombudsman program, in accordance with Section 9718 of the Welfare and Institutions Code, conspicuously in the facility foyer, lobby, residents' activity room, or other location easily accessible to residents.
[...]
(17) To reasonable accommodation of resident preferences concerning room and roommate choices.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:24 PM on November 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by hydra77 at 9:22 AM on November 27, 2019 [7 favorites]