Assisted living? Retirement home? Help!
November 16, 2009 5:13 AM   Subscribe

Assisted living? Retirement home? Help!

I could write a book about my family and our dysfunctions, but I'll keep it as brief as possible.

My grandmother has lived with my father since they came to the United States in the 1960s and that includes moving into the house that they've lived in ever since my parents were married. These three are the extent of any family my sister and I have ever known (my mother was cut off / lost contact with her family in PA and my father has no family that he's aware of in Romania).

There have been a lot of ups and downs over the years with arguments between all three adults, the likely cause being that they've all essentially become shut-ins, with only minimal contact with the outside world and virtually no friends at all. My mother and father claim to be happy with this arrangement, but you can imagine how stir crazy that might make a person. As a result, when arguments do break out, there's limited outlets for venting and everything escalates needlessly. Now throw in the fact that they've basically spent years of their lives watching television rather than having social lives and we get a bit closer to my actual question. My grandmother is 89 years old and as such, she's been hit the worst by the lack of regular social interaction and essential seclusion in her room watching television. There's a lot more detail that I could go into, but basically she's tired of feeling locked in and a recent, extremely explosive situation has left my mother not speaking to her. Consequently she feels angry, unwelcome and has spoken to my sister about moving out.

At 89 years old, her options are limited but she clipped an advertisement from the newspaper for an assisted living residence that she has asked my sister to look into; my grandmother receives less than a thousand dollars in Medicare a month and is under the impression that the residence wouldn't cost more than $1000. Unfortunately, that's most definitely not the case, as my sister's initial investigation turned up a yearly amount of close to $90,000.

So, I turn to you hive mind. Please give me your wisdom and insight into this situation.

My grandmother is far from invalid. She's lost some mobility (and feeling in some fingers), but has minimal -- if any -- difficulty going up and down large flights of stairs, getting into and out of bed / chairs herself, bathing herself and still loves to bake and cook. What she wants isn't a live-in nanny or person to make sure she takes her pills. My sister is completely in support of either taking her into her apartment or finding a 2 bedroom apartment, but I think that might be lacking.. in the sense that she'd still be a bit limited during the day in terms of social interaction. My sister says that my grandmother seemed very excited by the prospect of talking to other seniors and using amenities like an on-site hair salon; this from a woman who hasn't really left the house by herself (or more than a few times a year for that matter) in well over a decade.

What are my options in New York (either Queens or Long Island) that are affordable (Medicare + help from my sister and I) for someone who craves social interaction with other seniors (something she hasn't had in perhaps 30 years)?

Note: Despite my sister's suggestions, my grandmother hasn't gone on day trips with my sister while living with my parents mostly because she feels guilt or anger reflected back from my father. She has given up so much of her life for her son (and there's a huge back story here).
posted by Raze2k to Human Relations (9 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I work in the field of independent living. Our goal, really our mission is to make it so that anyone can live on their terms. Your grandmother absolutely wants and needs peer interaction, and she should be absolutely supported in that decision. Realistically, start at your local senior center. I can't speak for NY, but most counties in this country have them because they're sort of the hub that the feds use for communication and funds disbursement, or for determining eligibility and capturing data, anyway.

Start her there. They're going to have info on medicare funded resources, as well as (likely) having a HUD specialist who might help her find a non-assisted elder community she could afford. FWIW, you don't generally pay for these things with your medicare money. That's on top of having fun activities and trips and all sorts of things.

IMO, living with your sister isn't the best thing for grandma or your sister---and it's absolutely grandma's choice.
posted by TomMelee at 5:27 AM on November 16, 2009 [1 favorite]


I am not in New York, but I know there are subsidised senior housing residences that are very low cost and take the payment for rent based on their income.

My MIL lived in one very successfully for years, I think she paid $600 a month, her in come was right around $1,000 a month. The residents have their own apartments, and are relatively independent, but there is a lot of community activity for everyone if they want it.
posted by chocolatetiara at 7:23 AM on November 16, 2009


If your work (or your sister's work) has an Employee Assistance Program, you can use them to get information about elder care options. EAP is usually a 1-800 number that offers a range of services for free. When it became clear my partner's parents needed more help, EAP gave me a wealth of resources, including pricing out different options in our area (NYC).
posted by kimdog at 7:24 AM on November 16, 2009


Whether or not your grandmother ends up moving, she should definitely look into local senior centers--those are good places for her to meet other seniors, get some social interaction, and generally get hooked into a whole senior service network that may end up uncovering opportunities (either for alternative living situations or other solutions) that she hasn't thought of. It should be really easy for her to find a local one and check it out immediately, which may address some of her immediate social isolation issues.

Senior centers are generally run by the local Area Agency on Aging (AAA). You can use the Eldercare Locator to find which AAA is operating in your area; they'll have a hotline that you can call to find out more info.
posted by iminurmefi at 7:51 AM on November 16, 2009


Response by poster: Thank you for the suggested resources folks. It turns out that the two locations my sister has been looking at cost between $2000 and $2500 a month, which is high but a bit more manageable than I expected... split up among a few people anyway. I'm going to look into senior centers, but my sister seemed concerned about how she could get to and from them (most seem to run hours M-F 9-4:30, making transportation from my sister difficult if not impossible). I'll also check with HR here about EAP.

My sister seems particularly interested in one place that actually has native Hungarian speakers on the premises as well as Romanian/Hungarian community.

I'm concerned about affording all this, but it's definitely worthwhile if it can improve her quality of life. I'm also concerned, however, that my father will either guilt her into staying or stop talking to her altogether and not visit her at all.
posted by Raze2k at 9:14 AM on November 16, 2009


I have a friend who's 62, maybe 63, lost all of his money and sortof broke his spirit in a few business ideas gone south, then his dog died, then he divorced, then tumbled and stumbled his way west, California, where he's finally stuck -- he loves the bay and loves the bay area, he's a real 'sittin on the dock of the bay' sort of guy. He now lives in a really nice independent living place in Berkeley, and the cost is based upon his Social Security payment, in a sliding scale sort of thing. Basically small apartments, studios and one bedrooms, maybe a few two bedrooms but I think mostly studios and one BR places. It's subsidized by the state I think and likely by the federal govt also, and maybe even the city? I don't know. What I DO know is that he's really happy there, that he's made friends there with lots of the other tenants, that there is a huge number of things for all of them to engage in, that they have movie nights in their own little 'theater' (one room with a large screen projected from puter I think) and they absolutely have a nice little library, there is an on-site art studio and lessons available too, there are trips to the grocery stores and wherever else anyone would want to go. It's a really sweet little set-up, it really eased me to know he's in it -- he'd really had a rough go and now settled nicely. I hope that your grandmother can find similar there, it'd be a nice coda, a large dollop of happy as the bus heads for home...
posted by dancestoblue at 11:18 AM on November 16, 2009


I'm not a professional in this field, and I don't live in New York, but I can definitely assure you that something like assisted living or (semi-) 'independent' living might be just the ticket. My mom is in her early 80s and blossomed socially and emotionally once she moved into her assisted living home two years ago (after eleven years of widowhood, the last two living with my sister and then with me). Her place (a not-for-profit) accepts Government assistance, including county welfare, if and when one's personal resources run out. Note- that means HER money, not yours and not your father's. I believe the same organization has homes nationwide -- I could give you more details by mefi mail if you like.
posted by Rain Man at 8:06 PM on November 16, 2009


Well I can give you a quick lowdown on apartments. When we were looking at senior living places for my grandmother, the best source for information was a monthly senior paper that was free in the grocery stores news racks. Most of it was ads but it gave you a good idea of what was available. Since your grandmother is still able to take care of herself, senior apartments would probably be a lot cheaper than assisted living. The Yellow pages (senior living?) will have listings too but the senior paper will have more details about places.

Assisted living usually has someone to check up on people and they serve meals. The places we looked at had kitchens in the apartments but it was more for snacking than cooking for yourself. Senior apartments may have activities/shuttle but your grandmother will have to cook for herself or do meals on wheels. Some of the senior apartments we checked into had converted one of their buildings into assisted living so you could stay at the same complex even if you started having trouble doing the day to day stuff.

Make sure to check out the place without letting anyone know you're coming. Talk to the residents about what they like and don't like. I'd recommend staying away from something just being built. We had one that would've been great location wise but they were way too optimistic about when everything would be up and running.

My grandmother definitely liked the senior apartments better. People tend to be in better shape and are more social. If you do choose assisted living, make it close to where you live or can get to easily. My grandmother wanted to stay on her side of town but when there's doctor's appointments, hearing aids, grocery trips for snacks/sometimes breakfast, it makes it really hard. We ended up convincing her to move closer which made it easier to check in on her which she appreciated.

Best of luck with this. It can be tiring trying to find all this stuff out but it made me feel better knowing I did what I could to help my grandmother when she needed it.
posted by stray thoughts at 11:51 PM on November 16, 2009


Response by poster: Incidentally this whole thing that sparked this has blown over. My mother and grandmother are on speaking terms again and things have returned to the status quo. Her lack of activity remains a point of concern, but for now she's no longer interested in doing much/anything about it.

My sister has been trying to get her to leave the house more often to go on short day trips with her, but that hasn't been very successful thus far.

FWIW, I think a big part of her pulling away from the idea of moving out stems from the fact that my sister admitted we would be assisting her financially. Pride is the biggest obstacle in some many relationships and she refuses to take money from her grand children.
posted by Raze2k at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2009


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