office christmas decorations for the the new office grinch

November 15, 2019 5:14 PM

I got a new job! I will be sitting in a cube in an office. My new officemates are really gearing up for Christmas, planning their decorations with a fervor and level of secrecy that kind of frightens me. I...don't want to do this.

Unbeknownst to them, I hate Christmas. The absolute best idea I've heard so far is to put up a spider nativity scene, but I just started this job and I don't want to offend people too much just yet. So. What can I do to appear as if I am ok with this whole thing and my new coworkers (who generally seem like decent people) without actually having to be too Christmasy? Bonus points if the ideas include decorating with spiders.

posted by Vatnesine to Human Relations (40 answers total)

I would just go with a lot of lights, which will be cheerful in the winter and recall various non-Christmas winter holidays and traditions. Clear lights are pretty neutral but still fit into the general conception of “Christmas decorations.” I think it would be very hard to decorate with spiders without alienating your new coworkers.
posted by charmcityblues at 5:27 PM on November 15, 2019 [30 favorites]

Just buy a poinsettia or two and be done with it.
posted by Ollie at 5:29 PM on November 15, 2019 [11 favorites]

One of my friends tackled this very issue by leaning into the Grinch persona. She decorated her cube with photos of the Grinch, Ebeneezer Scrooge, Oscar the Grouch, Nightmare Before Christmas (spider opportunity!), and lumps of coal. She was cheerful about it, and her colleagues were amused. YMMV.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 5:36 PM on November 15, 2019 [40 favorites]

I would just not decorate at all. If asked, maybe just say that Christmas isn't really a holiday you celebrate and change the conversation. Anyone reasonably aware of things in 2019 should have enough sense to drop the issue (but we all know that's not always the case...)

Also, I hate hate hate hate hate spiders but a spider nativity scene would make me laugh.

I understand how you feel - I do not like Christmas or anything Christmas-related. It's not my religion, it's not my holiday, I don't celebrate it, and I refuse to pretend like I do. I understand wanting to fit in, but to my mind as long as you're not being a jerk about it nothing should come of the fact that you're not decorating.
posted by ralan at 5:38 PM on November 15, 2019 [16 favorites]

There's always wintery themed decorations like snowflakes, gingerbread men, hot chocolate, undecorated pine trees, etc. Oriental Trading is a good resource for ideas and they're not very expensive:
Cute penguin cut outs
Rainbow-ish snowflake ornaments
Clear string lights

I think you get a couple of these going and you'll be fine.
posted by bleep at 5:54 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

I am the Grinchiest Grinch that every Grinched. Last year I kidnapped Tinsel the office Elf On A Shelf and my coworkers went to security to look at footage to see who did it. I denied the kidnapping and then took Tinsel out for fun adventures and sent people the pictures. But I've been there a while.

Don't decorate and just say you are not into Christmas or be like me and say that the thing you look forward to the most are news stories like "...and the thieves got away with all of the family's Christmas presents. Police have no leads."

From one Grinch to another please enjoy NORAD vs. Santa. I'll be glad when it's over. Ho Ho Ho, my anus.
posted by Rob Rockets at 5:55 PM on November 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

I am very excited to report that, per the interwebs, the Christmas Spider is a legit Eastern European tradition thing. Spiders decorated a (poor? tidy?) family's tree with their webs, and the webs were turned to silver and gold by morning light/Jesus/Santa - sounds like there are several versions.

More here with spider ornaments. There are also several youtube tutorials for making spider ornaments, and etsy has several for purchase. I think a nativity scene with beautiful beaded spiders is something you might be able to get away with, with the legend to back it up (if you have any doubts as to whether it might be considered offensive, just wait until next year when you'll know everyone better).

With folklore to back you up, go crazy with spiders and if you're the type who would bring in baked goods anyway, you could go for kolache, babka, or whatever else works for you.
posted by bunderful at 5:56 PM on November 15, 2019 [22 favorites]

I deal with this by sticking with only decorations featuring the word 'Peace' to have out at work. That's a concept I can stand for without churning up my more complicated feelings. And then people compliment me for having a theme.
posted by buildmyworld at 6:00 PM on November 15, 2019 [24 favorites]

Make up your own holiday tradition -- or a whole new holiday -- and decorate for *that*.

Do you like bunnies? It's bunny christmas!

Do you like Stephen King? It's a Stephen King Christmas (secular) - you can invent a Pet Sematery snowman or something.

Do you like ... japanese brush art? Sumi-e? Print out some Sumi-E bunnies in the snow, a Sumi-E deer, and maybe some landscapes. Light them tastefully. Make something extra beautiful that _you_ like.

Do you like... Andy Warhol? I think you can see where I'm going with this. Put anything you like inside a winter theme, or under twinkly lights, or with a red/green frame, and call it what you want.
posted by amtho at 6:28 PM on November 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

I have seen online some really amazing nativities done with a combination of superhero figures, plastic dinosaurs, and other weird character figurines (I'm sure you could fit a spider in there somewhere.) Unless your coworkers are very religious, if you do it well they might appreciate the humor in it and you'd be the cool fun new person without delving into the sappier aspects of the season.

Or you could go with my personal favorite, the Negativity Scene

Putting out Christmas candy is always a popular move. Red and green wrapped kisses or peanut butter cups, mini candy canes, etc.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:34 PM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

There are any number of truly WTF nativity scenes out there. Every year, the Rude Pundit blogs about some of his favorites...
posted by notsnot at 6:40 PM on November 15, 2019

Or....decorate for Secret Quonsmas?
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 6:40 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

You're brand new. The time for spiders and whatever is when everyone is comfortable and they get your sense of humor. Put up some lights or buy a poinsettia. Suck it up now and then you can get weird at Easter.
posted by Anonymous at 6:45 PM on November 15, 2019

If you're a Seinfeld fan, you could always go for Festivus decorations. Fun story: In 2005, then Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle proudly posed next to a festivus pole that he'd put up in the governor's residence. That pole is now located in the Wisconsin Historical Society Museum.
posted by acidnova at 6:45 PM on November 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

I've seen people half-put-up a single strand of lights with the end leading a cut out of the Grinch with his bag full of all the other crap that had supposedly been up. It's easy (especially if you have access to a color printer), and a gentle entry into the "I vibrate at a different frequency" approach to holidays.
posted by DebetEsse at 7:25 PM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

Get some LED light strings. personally, I'm crazy about the very tiny rice lights, but there are a ton of options. I find them cheerful and nicer than horrid overhead fluorescents. Also, low effort.

If you ask nicely, MeFites would probably send you their favorite weird holiday music, a nice antidote to cloying sweet holiday crap.
posted by theora55 at 7:44 PM on November 15, 2019

It's also the Solstice. I usually get away with this (or have in the past) by doing Solstice-y stuff which involves just a lot of generally nature-y stuff. Do you like things that smell good? Lots of fresh cut tree stuff smells and looks kind of amazing. Same with any sort of lighting to welcome in the new year (our neighbors always do a bonfire, anything that is bonfirey). If you were doing fresh tree type of thing you could pretty easily put some of that "you pull it and it makes spiderwebby stuff" stuff on it which has plausible deniability as not entirely different from fake snow.

That said, I actually do celebrate Hannukah and there's nothing like a giant horking menorah to make people STFU about Christmas around you. Note: may not work as well for non-Jews.
posted by jessamyn at 7:47 PM on November 15, 2019 [11 favorites]

Just put up a single sheet of paper with the international no sign over an "L".

🚫 L
posted by vespabelle at 8:14 PM on November 15, 2019 [7 favorites]

A few strings of fairy lights (the small incandescent bulbs, on white cords, are the prettiest in my opinon) would make things pretty without making them x-massy. Or just say you don't celebrate and leave it at that.

But do recognize that xmas is really important and also religious to many people. It's totally ok to opt out if it's not your thing, but don't yuck someone else's yum, especially at work. I would say steer away from anything that seems to mock or denigrate xmas. Your best choices are to be nice about it, or be silent about it.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:18 PM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]

I hate Christmas but like generic winter stuff like: snowflake cut-outs, origami stars, star lanterns, pinecones, a bunch of pine in a vase (smells good).
posted by The Toad at 8:57 PM on November 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

What pseudostrabismus said...especially in your first year. It's all very well to be True To Yourself and such, but it's easier to do that when you've got a little credit with people. Setting aside genuine religious grounds for nonparticipation, you don't want early impressions to be Grinchy.

Honestly, anything even vaguely winter-themed will be fine. A few cut-out snowflakes, a snowglobe or two, a strand of tinsel...just enough to let you pass.
posted by praemunire at 9:00 PM on November 15, 2019

Another vote for lights, poinsettias and generic winter stuff. I would caution against getting too creative with spiders and Grinches and all that, not even so much because people might get offended, but primarily because it might give them the impression you're kind of into it after all. The more thought you invest in this the more people will be tempted to think you're having fun, they more the might bring up the topic around you. If your goal is to _not_ make something a topic, generic is your friend.
posted by sohalt at 10:48 PM on November 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

Don't get a poinsettia unless you're willing to take it home and care for it after. Plants are not disposable despite a rampant culture of acquisition and disposal that tells us they are.

Get a cactus, put a red bow tie on in, or some tiny LED rice lights, or a santa hat, and care for it properly year-round. I am with you in finding seasonal workplace decor to be horrendous, but I could actually get into decorating a cactus for holidays (Easter and Halloween would be be particularly fun) particularly if I silently named the cactus Beelzebub.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:21 AM on November 16, 2019 [14 favorites]

I've been through office xmas hysteria and it isn't fun. Just get a string of lights, you will enjoy them once you have them. Just as long as no one wants to start reading bible passages or (gasp!) sing songs, your're good. That kind of stuff makes me super anxious and I left work early one day because of it. After that I always took my vacations over xmas if possible just to avoid the xmas bullsh**.
posted by james33 at 6:56 AM on November 16, 2019

Put up a Festivus Pole and be done with it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:25 AM on November 16, 2019

I would just not decorate at all. It seems weird to me to spend money on doing something you don't want to do.
posted by lazuli at 9:41 AM on November 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

So my office decorates but does so because there is a competition and they want to win. They generally do my office door for me and I'm fine with that.

Is there a competition at your place? If so, maybe they'll do it for you. if not, then the other commenters have lots of good ideas already. Do simple and cheap
posted by emjaybee at 9:50 AM on November 16, 2019

I'm in camp "don't decorate," at least if you don't feel like adding decorations for other aesthetic or personal reasons (e.g. I like the idea of "christmas" lights 'cause I think they look nice or help brighten my mood). Don't make a big deal out of it and I doubt people will make a big deal about your lack of participation. Maybe say that you find them distracting if someone does ask. As long as you're not preventing them from celebrating in their usual way, I doubt they'd find much of a reason to care too much about it.
posted by Aleyn at 11:09 AM on November 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Also, unless you've been there a while and really want to lean into the "grinch" persona, I'd avoid cute "rebellious" decorations, since that will give a focal point for people to latch onto. Doing something will mean more than not doing something, to my mind.
posted by Aleyn at 11:11 AM on November 16, 2019

How about just buying a 100 mini candy canes and putting them in a basket just outside your cubicle?
posted by leslievictoria at 11:13 AM on November 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Find a beat up old pair of ice skates at Goodwill, and stuff them with winter greenery. It'll still count as holiday decorating, and be juuuuust covertly hostile enough to the whole ghastly tradition.
posted by BostonTerrier at 11:35 AM on November 16, 2019

I suspect that my first idea for a suggestion might not be entirely compatible with "not wanting to offend people", but Caganers -- as many different varieties of Caganers as you care to actually spend money on. And there's hundreds of different novelty styles to choose from.

My reasoning is simple: while there have been many different interpretations of the Caganer's intended role in a Nativity Scene, one popular theory is that the arrival of Christmas happens whether you want it to or not, even if you're just right in the middle of trying to take care of your own life and its important needs.

And in keeping with the spider theme, there is a Spider-Man Caganer available.
posted by radwolf76 at 11:41 AM on November 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Unfortunately no one knows you yet and you haven’t developed enough goodwill to be able to totally reject the office culture there and get away with it. You’ll just be known as the killjoy. Put up a few strands of tinsel and be done with it, you’ll survive.
posted by Jubey at 12:32 PM on November 16, 2019

This is a perfect opportunity to use office supplies festively!

During breaks you cut out snowflakes from printer paper. If it's printed on one side that's double points.

Strings of paper clips are quite merry; especially if multicolored. Rubber bands also work for this garlanding.

Paper cups make grand bells when hung from usb cables. Or use the cup bottom as an ornament that's decorated with intricate patterns of staples.

Those colored markers? Go crazy with em. You can even hang colored ball point pens from a spare printer cable strung across your cube opening.

You can make this your first sucessful merrymess in cube town!
posted by mightshould at 1:16 PM on November 16, 2019 [4 favorites]

This is when you bond with that other co-worker, who isn't decorating her cube, either.
posted by Rash at 3:37 PM on November 16, 2019

OMG yeah, don't overthink it, it is almost a guarantee that nobody actually cares what you do, just put a bucket of york peppermint patties on your desk or minty hersheys kisses and spend your extra brain time and money on your pet tarantula.
posted by athirstforsalt at 9:54 PM on November 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

yes to the catalan pooper guy but also to the poop log, el tio nadal, whom is hit with a stick in order to make it shit out candy.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:45 PM on November 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Apparently they make white spider string lights, which would be more subtle than the purple ones--this would probably appear festive from a distance. If anyone gets close enough to ask you why spiders, you can just say you like spiders and it's what you had.
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:08 AM on November 18, 2019

Don't decorate. Answer questions with a firm, non-negotiable, "I don't celebrate Christmas." Don't explain further.
posted by carrioncomfort at 11:39 AM on November 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

I don't see anyone bringing up that Christmas is a religious holiday and it's outrageous to expect everyone to celebrate it/decorate for it. Absolutely don't decorate if you don't want to. As a Jew, I would consider pressure to decorate for Christmas to be harassment.
posted by tangosnail at 2:33 PM on November 19, 2019 [5 favorites]