Catching up on sexual experience and skills

November 12, 2019 8:04 PM

For reasons, I have not had much sex in my life. I am looking to learn now the kinds of skills and experience that you would expect a late 30s female (heterosexual) to have. Practice is the obvious answer, but seeing as I can’t control who wants to sleep with me, can you also lead me to books, videos, podcasts, anything like that that I can look at on my own beforehand to lessen the rejection from Tinder dates when they figure out I am bad in bed. Please assume I have really absolutely no idea about anything (if I know it already I will happily ignore that advice)
posted by EatMyHat to Human Relations (20 answers total)

You might like The Guide to Getting It On.
posted by bananacabana at 8:29 PM on November 12, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oh Joy Sex Toy, contrary to the name, isn't all about toys (though it started out as a toy review site). They cover a lot of different sex stuff, including different kinds of sex, different ethical and social issues around sex, different kinks, stuff about how bodies work, and so on.

And what made me think about it for you is, they often take time to explain things that someone else might have assumed were common knowledge, and they do it in a way that isn't condescending.

It's not a thorough A-to-Z guide to anything, but it's a nice way to catch up on basics you might have missed, and round out your knowledge with random tidbits that a progressive grownup who's interested in sex might want to know.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:45 PM on November 12, 2019 [3 favorites]

I would just be totally open and honest about your lack of experience. This might turn some guys off but other men would be thrilled to be your teacher/coach, and they can help you gain confidence and experience. Much better than misrepresenting yourself and have the date end awkwardly, striking another blow to your confidence.
posted by fenwaydirtdog at 8:50 PM on November 12, 2019 [2 favorites]

Cis/het/kink dude

Podcasts: I had my interest, curiosity, and kink re/awakened after listening to anecdotes, questions, and opinions on Dan Savage's Savage Lovecast and other podfare. Ymmv, Dan has a somewhat polarized audience here on the blue/green.

I also like listening to earlier episodes of Sex Nerd Sandra where she is pretty vulnerable about her own interests and insecurities.

Sex Communications is new and finding it's legs. Honest real accounts of sex with the intent of destigmatizing desire, fantasy, and practice. Sort of a one-woman pov of sex-positivity.

Web: Erica Moen has a terrific webcomic, Oh Joy Sex Toy that began as a toy review site and then exploded into all sorts of education, art, guest artists, etc.

Weirdly, I was surfing some of the sites linked by podcasts and eventually found myself at Hey, Epiphora - another toy review site for women, by a woman. She has a unique artistic voice and is very frank about her methodology and results. As a dude, I find it fascinating in that it gives me a peek into what sensations and feelings a woman might appreciate. Snarky and hilarious at times.

I am told by women that Come as You Are is very empowering in terms of knowing your sexuality and orgasm on your own terms.

Bad-in-bed: Look up Dan's Good, Giving, and Game thoughts.

My view fwiw: Inexperience does not make a person bad-in-bed. It's nice to know some beginning mechanics, but it's not usually a porno-scene. Bad in bed = Poor communications, Drug and alcohol problems, selfishness, disrespect, dismissiveness around boundaries and consent...

Two communications tips to be a good partner:

Here's what I like (fill it in honestly)

What do you like? (don't judge)

(I hesitated in responding because: men, amirite. the resources might be useful even if my own narrow thoughts aren't. good luck. have fun.)

jinx, nebula
posted by j_curiouser at 8:54 PM on November 12, 2019 [14 favorites]

and, you know, this is really important: it's an adventure, not a test.
posted by j_curiouser at 9:04 PM on November 12, 2019 [23 favorites]

The best thing IMO is to learn your own tastes. So... start jerking off! Buy Seasons 1 and 2 of OMGyes to see a variety of candid, tasteful tutorials on female pleasure. You can even practice interactively. Made by women, for women. Then, take yourself to a sex shop and try some fun toys to see what you're into. I'd suggest a dildo and a vibrator to start. There's no standard set of skills, even if dates will tell you that blowjobs and PIV sex are 'key.' Just explore what you like. I'd much rather have an inexperienced date with good boundaries, a sense of humor and a curious heart than some jerk who's great at giving head. Skills you can learn. Consent and communication? Essential.
posted by aw jeez at 9:20 PM on November 12, 2019

I don’t think you’re bad in bed. I don’t think there’s necessarily a correlation between sexual experience and being “good.” A good lover is one who communicates well and who is relaxed and giving and can relax into pleasure. There’s also chemistry, both interpersonal and sexual (not the same!), that makes a good lover. But there could be someone who is super “experienced” who isn’t a great match for me. It’s not a skill you necessarily learn from experience.

I’m not crazy about the idea, shared above, of asking a man to be your mentor or teacher. That sounds a bit creepy, and I’d be a bit wary of men turned on by that. I think it’s okay to tell a potential lover that you don’t have a lot of recent experience and want to take it slow. I also think conversations with other women roughly your age about sex and dating would be a better channel than talking to dates about all this.

Not everyone your age has a ton of experience either.

I also agree that knowing yourself, and what makes you feel good and how to communicate that, is super hot.

Good luck! This sounds like a wonderful, sexy adventure.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:44 PM on November 12, 2019 [6 favorites]

I second all the advice that inexperience is not a deal breaker, at all. Mood, comfort, trust and chemistry will do more for you than notching up conquests. Knowing what you like comes from having sex and from masturbation and they both reveal different things. Don't think of masturbation as a consolation prize - something you have to do in the absence of a partner. It creates a situation to explore and reach pleasure in a way that's entirely your own, without any pressure of performing or pleasing someone else.
That said sex with another body, with a another pair of lips and limbs is a different ball game (sorry!) and doing that in a safe and arousing situation will reveal other ways of pleasure for you. Apart from being into each other, being into the sex you're having together, which is a third thing, can really create the mood. What often makes for great sex is also the happy alignment of what pleases one partner to do also pleases the other receive.
I'd wouldn't dwell on experience or lack of it, look into what everyone is suggesting, and go on dates and perhaps just make out at first, and if you like him on the second date do more and build-up from there. It's hard to have chemistry with someone you just met, especially after 3 drinks. Good Luck!!
posted by whatdoyouthink? at 11:52 PM on November 12, 2019 [3 favorites]

rejection from Tinder dates when they figure out I am bad in bed.

Woah. I don't want to argue with the premise of your question but I also don't want you feeling like shit about a thing.

First of all, having Tinder dudes skip after sex is not unusual. It is often the norm. I would not assume it's you. Second of all, you don't have to disclose anything you don't want to disclose, but if it were me I'd let people know you are inexperienced rather than letting people "figure it out." Lastly, experience level does not correlate to jack in bed. Every person's body is different. "Show me how you like X" and "Help me give you great Y" are a part of being a good lover. As is "I love A" and "I want you to B."

I mean people are always "90% of sex is in your head" but I've yet to fuck a mind reader.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:08 AM on November 13, 2019 [8 favorites]

Having been in your basic position as a 30something with limited sexual experience, I can tell you that in my experience, men don't much care if you have "skills" as long as you have enthusiasm. Are you willing to blow them? Then as long as you aren't actively biting them, they're not going to worry too much about your technique.

This can lead to bad sex for *you* -- because you won't necessarily know what you like, or how to advocate for them to give you what you want, or how to pull back from things like them getting, shall we say, overly-enthusiastic about that blowjob -- but they pretty much won't worry about that. Even the ones who are concerned about ensuring you are having fun are still mostly testing that based on your ongoing enthusiasm, not your "skills".

So, by all means, work on your sexual knowledge and confidence, but do it to improve your own experience, not for the benefit of men on Tinder you haven't even met yet.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:26 AM on November 13, 2019 [9 favorites]

You're not a seal performing on command here and it's sad to me that online dating/porn have warped expectations to a point that people think you need to have had a bunch of experience to be good in bed. Every guy I've been with has had a different style and responded to different things that I couldn't possibly anticipate before getting to know him.

Just be communicative with your partner, and ask him what he wants and assert your needs/boundaries. If you're into it and follow your instincts you will be fine. If you're unsure, you can usually just follow your partners lead and cues and do just fine
posted by shaademaan at 7:37 AM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]

I am looking to learn now the kinds of skills and experience that you would expect a late 30s female (heterosexual) to have.

Firstly, as a late 30s het dude who enjoys a reasonably wide range of bedroom antics: I would expect you to have whatever skills and experiences you tell me that you have, including few to none. What you're asking about is more of a social presumption, and when those fit you poorly or not at all it's a positive thing for you to actively set expectations instead.

Whatever familiarity you can gain from books, amateur porn and whatnot will help, but it isn't going to substitute for experience anyway. For learning to be fun — which it certainly should be — you need someone patient and understanding. So you're better off being forthright about it and being rid of anyone who's going to split purely because you're not experienced. That should alleviate some of the anxiety about it too, I'd think.

You should also feel free to yeet anyone who feigns patience but is then not so in the sack. Or, consider yourself spared the trouble if they self-yeet.

Then, as alluded to above, I'd suggest exploring amateur porn along with masturbation. (Ignore all the crazy commercial stuff, it's far from realistic and may be off-putting.)

There are lots of couples (and singles) who enjoy sharing their relatively conventional if enthusiastic lovemaking, including all the various acts you're probably wondering how to perform — hand jobs, blow jobs, different styles of intercourse, and everything else. (There's also plenty of less conventional stuff, if that's what turns out to float your boat.)

That's probably the next best thing to being there, and shows you that really good sex still tends to have a certain amount of silly awkwardness to it. A lot of being experienced is knowing how to get past that, or dissipate it. (It will also help you understand what not-so-good sex looks like, and what makes it not-so-good, because plenty of amateur uploads are....well, not-so-good.)


Xtube is a decent place to start, it tends to have as much amateur as commercial stuff being uploaded. You might start by looking for some couples you find relatable and appealing.

And as far as the books go, I do think The Guide to Getting it On is good, but I don't know what it was last updated. The edition I have has that sort of 70's sexology feel to it.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:39 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]

I want to repeat that it's unlikely that anyone will think you're bad in bed. It's pretty typical for sex to be sorta clumsy with new partners regardless of experience; if you can't, say, figure out a good angle on the first try it's not going to make you look dumb.

When men have complained to me about women being bad in bed, they almost always mean that she just lied there like a dead fish. Be enthusiastic, talk or make noise to provide positive feedback, move in ways that make YOU feel good.

Also, in my experience, the vast majority of men I met on Tinder had never hooked up with anyone via Tinder before, and are INCREDIBLY nervous. Odds are good that you won't be alone in feeling that way. This also means that it's a good idea to bring lube... not only for yourself but because, um, some of them will be nervous enough to have trouble getting it up. I'm personally useless at blow jobs (my jaw gets sore in five seconds) so having lube for a hand job can be helpful.

Practice putting a condom on something in advance. This should be something they're capable of, but at your age you, like me, may be meeting a good number of people freshly out of long-term relationships who haven't used condoms in years and are bad at it. It's good to be able to take over. (I recommend Lifestyles SKYN condoms.)

A lot of people do what THEY like to their partner, so sometimes reciprocation can work really well... if they keep kissing your neck, kiss theirs; etc. Try to gauge their responsiveness to everything, but some men aren't good at providing feedback so don't freak out if you can't tell if they like what you're doing.

(To my surprise given my dislike for it, about half of the men I've been with have been super excited about tongue in their ears, but they generally do make their pleasure clear if they're into it.)
posted by metasarah at 10:59 AM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]

Communication is important. Please discuss your wants and interests with your partners, and ask them about their preferences, too; not every man enjoys the same exact thing. Sheer enthusiasm can smooth over potentially awkward bits, as will having a robust sense of humor (because sex can be fantastic, messy, and hilarious - sometimes all at once).

Talk with your doctor about the HPV vaccine for your situation (that is, if you're not already vaccinated, and especially if "not much sex" corresponds to "low partner count"). Review birth control options, too, if necessary. Condom manual; Condoms, external and internal; Putting a Condom on Your Partner (with your mouth); Handjobs I, II; Oral Sex; Fellatio I, II, III; Prostate stimulation. Best wishes for safe and happy adventuring.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:14 PM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]

Being comfortable in your own skin is going to be a big part of this. I was in a similar situation and framed it as "wanting to explore my sexual self." It set a positive tone (for myself as well as my partner) for how I was trying to add something to my life instead of making me feel inadequate in some way. If you're in your head, worried you won't measure up, you're missing the best part of sex. It's less about mechanics, and more about the comfort and delight you have to share that kind of intimate space with another person.

Everyone is on their own timeline. Who you are and the experiences that brought you to today are enough. :)
posted by pdxhiker at 6:09 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]

As someone recently (2 years ago) new to sex, something I have learned is that if something doesn't feel comfortable, especially vagina-wise, I shouldn't suck it up for the pleasure of the other person. (This can mean discomfort that prevents sex later on - temporarily!) For me, and I assume for other vagina-havers, lubrication (and plenty of it) is really important, and it's worth making sure it's there before engaging in penetrative action.
posted by freethefeet at 1:14 AM on November 14, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had a partner once who told me after our first night together that she was very inexperienced and she hoped it didn't show. I told her experience wasn't the most important thing and she asked what was. "Enthusiasm."

She lit up at hearing that and our second and future nights together were much more enjoyable.

(Also, the Guide to Getting It On is excellent.)
posted by dobbs at 6:25 AM on November 14, 2019 [2 favorites]

Refinery 29's list of 10 Incredible Books About Sex & Sexuality To Add To Your Bookshelf
posted by saturdaymornings at 6:29 PM on November 15, 2019

I would add some hippie era things... Find a good copy of the Kama Sutra. Not necessarily for the catalog of positions, more for the enumerations like: brushing the lips, teasing blow, nibble, raking the nails, pressing the nails, light stroke, heavy stroke, etc.

It's basically an ancient manual of erotic pleasure.

Pick up a book on actual real full-body massage. Then find one on erotic massage. There's a period of just learning how to touch someone and read their reactions and finding the things that make them quiver and moan and catch their breath.

I don't know much about the modern web resources and such. But agree with the 'enthusiasm' and awkward and fun sort of recommendations. Also, the do what they do to you and you do to them what you want them to do sort of give and take. It's like a dance where you're both leading. There's also a bunch of teasing and building up and then denying (but not too much).

And yeah, amateur porn. Setting up a Go-Pro in the bedroom or something. Not the commercial stuff where there are scrips and four cameras and lighting and editing.

Please note that this is really just the "Catching up on sexual experience and skills" bit. I know when I first started getting laid I was in the same boat and well... headed to the self-help section of the bookstore to read up all the sexy-time books.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:10 PM on November 16, 2019

I’m a woman in my early 40s with *some* sex experience. I want to turn this around a bit. Probably the “worst” two lovers I’ve been with were men who were very experienced in bed, and who were eager to “show me their skills.” That included being able to last forever. Um – sorry, I get bored and sore. And certain “techniques” that are objectively good, and expected, but did nothing for me or made me anxious. All of these were not as much of a problem. The problem was that when I voiced (tactfully) that I actually don’t necessarily enjoy those things, or downright find them painful, and here is what I like instead, their response was feeling hurt and offended and telling me that “no one ever complained before,” and that all other women they’ve been with loved it. And that “my way” is not as much fun for them, so they would prefer if could continue to do that (painful) thing. No thanks!

My current boyfriend is not very experienced in bed. But he is sweet, attentive, vulnerable, does his best to do what I like, complimentary, and is enthusiastic about being with me. I have a lot of anxiety about sex due to bad experiences in the past. He is understanding and wants to do what’s good for me. We agreed with him early on that sex is about learning about each other, and will (and does) get better with time between the two of us. We are making small steps in the direction of our both “likes,” because we both are a bit shy, but I’m thrilled to be on this journey with him. I think he was relieved when I told him that I’m not here to evaluate his performance and techniques. I don’t care if he didn’t last long this time or whatever, - no one is standing there with a timer. I love being with him, and trying to make it “hot” for him, which makes it “hot” for me in return, and vice versa. 10 months in, we are still learning about each other and adjusting, and tuning up intensity, and I’d like to spend the next 10 years continuing to learn with him.

All of this is to say that perhaps techniques and skills are not the most important thing, but being open, true to yourself, encouraging, kind, and happy to enjoy someone’s body and giving them joy are. It took me many, many years to realize this. I think you start this by saying that you don’t have much experience and want to explore together. That is if they seem sexy to you and you do want that.
posted by LakeDream at 9:53 PM on November 17, 2019 [7 favorites]