I met someone else

March 3, 2006 7:44 AM

I met someone else. While my significant other was off for an extended trip (we live together) - I met an especially special person that has completely captivated me and vice versa. What to do next?

Without going into all the details of the existing relationship (troubled) or the possibility of the new one (amazing) ... after some serious wrenching soul searching - I have decided to break the news to my SO who returned yesterday (I think...) - any thoughts or suggestions for the myriad of complex issues that come up in a situation like this?

If the connection with this new person was anything other than 100% positive (she's aware of my situation) - I would let it ride.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

I guess you should move out. But don't move in with your new soulmate right away, it might turn out that you were just excited about being single.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:59 AM on March 3, 2006

Let it ride anyway until you address the issues with your extant SO. Your attraction to The New Person could certainly be coloured by your dissatisfaction with the SO. Make sure there's a several-month gap between the two; consider them independently.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:00 AM on March 3, 2006

Well, people always appear much more unique and special than they really are when you encounter them in such a highly charged situation. Remember that there's romance at play. The person you've fallen for probably is wonderful, but right now they're benefitting from the first flush of romance, your present disappointment, and the brain chemicals that are getting you all jazzed up. Reality has yet to set in. This is one of the nasty mind tricks that makes extra-relatinship dalliances seem so exciting.

I'd suggest you find a counselor or therapist to help you think this through and handle it in such a way that you do the least harm to yourself and others. The "wrenching soul searching" becomes a thousand times easier when you're talking to someone who knows how to help you break down and examine the many things that are going on.

Seriously: I've tried handling this stuff on my own, and then with help, and it was better with help. Much better. Who knows; it may be you need to end the first relationship and embark on the second, or end the second and re-invest in the first, or end both and strike out on your own. And it could be that one or the other person bails on you while you think it through. No matter what, the bottom line is that you need to take care of you and do as rightly as possible by the others, and someone to talk to will help keep that focus where it belongs.

Good luck with the whole thing. Hope it turns out for the best.
posted by Miko at 8:02 AM on March 3, 2006

any thoughts or suggestions

Be honest and direct in all your dealings, but be kind even if that means lying to your current SO a little. Do not make it worse than necessary for her or you. Tell her exactly how you feel, but only to the extent you need to explain why you're leaving, not, if you can help it, to an extent that will hurt her.

If you've been living together for some time and now you're splitting, you will have lots of mundane property decisions to make -- who owns this, who owns that. When there's any doubt, you will do best to dump as much as possible. If you don't need it and aren't particularly attached to it, let her have it. This is especially true if, as I expect, you are leaving and she is staying -- don't leave her and empty her home at the same time. Part of starting a new life is getting rid of old baggage, not dragging around stuff you obtained and shared with the woman you're abandoning.
posted by pracowity at 8:13 AM on March 3, 2006

Why not make a rational decision when you're not addled by oxytocin and vasopressin?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:30 AM on March 3, 2006

yeah.

What opti said.

Make a list of the non-intoxicating qualities of each relationship, at least given what you know, and try to look at them rationally (difficult).

Remember that what you know is always less exciting then what you imagine.

Lastly, after a serious breakup, I've set myself a several months period of celibacy rule... but then, I'm crazy serious about learning from past mistakes and rationality. Try to be friends with the new girl... for a few months at least. If you don't think you can do it, then what makes you think that she'll be interesting when the novelty wears off?
posted by ewkpates at 8:36 AM on March 3, 2006

Points to consider:

1) This new relationship may only seem amazing by contrast to your current one. An infatuation with someone you've just met is naturally going to be more appealing than your current, troubled situation; you don't have any baggage with this new gal.

2) As you are in a difficult place with your current SO and clearly very twitterpated over your new friend, there is absolutely no way you can make a reasoned decision about this right now. Step back—way back.

3) The most important question you should be asking yourself is this: If X weren't in the picture, would you still consider leaving your SO?
posted by S.C. at 8:45 AM on March 3, 2006

Well, if you're really willing to sever your current relationship and go for another one with this new person right away, you'd better jump in with both feet.

However, no matter how amazingy your connection, or how positive things have been so far, this is a bad way to begin a relationship.

First of all, you're giving up a serious, live-in relationship to be with someone you met recently. This puts high expectations on the new person. It's not just some romance you can explore and allow to go where it wants to. It's got all this pressure on it now.

Second, how can you trust someone after you've seen them run off with someone they met while their SO was away? I'm asking how she can really trust you. Would you ever date a woman who started cheating on her previous man to sleep with you? Not the same situation, I realize, but a similar point.

Perhaps your connection is so soulful that none of this matters, but I'd caution you, for the two reasons above, not to get too hyperbolic about it. You've got real impediments here, and some serious handicaps against you if you want to try to have a relationship with this person. Take them seriously and be as honest and honorable with all of it (esp. your current SO) as you can. Keep your feet on the ground, and don't trust to the surge of intoxication you're feeling right now. That's all well and good, but you've got too many irons in the fire to make impulsive moves based on feelings.
posted by scarabic at 8:59 AM on March 3, 2006

be careful ... i've been there, done that ... and although my reasons for leaving were perfectly good ... it was a troubled relationship with a troubled woman ... what i didn't see was that i was getting into the same kind of relationship with the same kind of person, only much worse

first you need to figure out whether your life is better with or without the person you're with ... do not include the new person in your evaluation of this ... your old relationship should be seen on its own

second you need to ask yourself what it is about yourself that made you want to be with a person you had trouble living with ... this is VERY IMPORTANT ... because if you don't know the answers to that, you may well be repeating the same mistake with the new person

i did do the first ... but i didn't do the second and rushed right in ... and eventually found myself in a worse situation

if you decide to leave, fine ... but take your time about starting something else
posted by pyramid termite at 9:02 AM on March 3, 2006

It really all depends on what you mean by (troubled).

Relationships have its ups and downs, and when you met this SO, I'm sure it was amazing too. So over time, this wears off a bit and you settle into comfortable love. Then (troubles) come along - it could be financial, or anything, really - and everything sort of comes apart and you no longer have that blinding passion you had in the beginning to mask those troubles.

So what are those troubles, exactly? Gambling problems? (run) Drugs? (needs help) Liquor? (there's always AA) Physical abuse? (run) CRACK? (move to the next city)

If you've moved in together, then once upon a time you must've been blindingly in love as well - enough to think that, they this would work out. We'll move in together, so I can see her all the time. Then we'd stay with each other forever and ever.

So what if "trouble" comes along again in a new relationship? Would you try to work it out, or would you fall for another person because by then, the initial buzz would've worn off?

Long term relationships have its ups (the part where you can finish each other's sentences) and its downs (when there are financial troubles; the question of who's doing the dishes; he's hogging the PS2) but it's riding out the downs that makes it special. Sometimes, yes, (even) I (haha) have the impulse to jump ship, for I am an attractive young woman who get stopped on the street, but I stay true to my SO who is sweet, loving, awesome, sometimes immature, procrastinates, and infuriating.
posted by Sallysings at 9:52 AM on March 3, 2006

It's not clear to me from your question whether you've already definitely decided to leave your current partner, or not.

What to do next? Take a breath. Your current partner only returned yesterday. Why the rush? Keep thinking long and hard about where you are and where you want to be - following all the good advice above. If new special person is as super-special as you think, they won't mind waiting while you do so and won't be expecting you to drop an existing relationship like a hot potato. Once you've decided what you're going to do, stick with it - no dithering or turning back.

If you've already decided you're leaving for new person, then be as non-judgementally honest with current partner as you can possibly manage.
posted by normy at 9:53 AM on March 3, 2006

Go for it. Trust your heart. Life is too short to over analyze these things (as the above posters seem to suggest).
posted by petsounds at 10:04 AM on March 3, 2006

Go for it. Trust your heart. Life is too short to over analyze these things (as the above posters seem to suggest).

Life can seem angonizingly long when you don't have anyone to share it with. How many relationships really turn out to be long term? If this guy breaks it off and goes after the other girl, I think the chances of it working as perfectly as he thinks it will aren't very good.

Is your relationship really troubled, or (as others have said) are you simply going through a low period and you're justifying leaving by convincing yourself it sucks? You can't jump ship when the waters get a bit choppy.

Rethink this, man. If you haven't seen your SO in a long time, you've probably created a relationship in your head that doesn't really exist. My very wisened history teacher in high school related a story from when he was in Korea: "One of my army buddies came to me and said, Joe, I've met this amazing Korean girl, we want to get married, but I don't know what to tell my wife at home... I said to him, go home, wait six months and see what you think then. If that Korean girl really loves you, she'll still be waiting. He took my advice. I saw that guy twenty years later and asked how things were with his wife, and he said 'Great'."

So wait a bit. People who tell you life is too short not to take chances are right to a degree, but I think long term relationships are something worth taking time with.
posted by borkingchikapa at 10:34 AM on March 3, 2006

I'm with petsounds on this, as someone who did what you're considering.

That is, if you're really sure about the new person. I'd first ensure you'll be able to keep believing you did the right thing.

You'll probably miss your SO and that will be hard for new-SO no matter how saintly or self-confident they are.

The trick about this is that the phase where you're saying goodbye and disentangling could potentially ALSO be those early phases of a new relationship -- you know, the phase where you and your new one are so excited and happy that you're terrified.

All this makes that clean-break stuff you hear doubly true. Or else a buffer zone / cooling off period.
posted by inksyndicate at 11:09 AM on March 3, 2006

Out of sight, out of mind. Like everybody else said, wait for a bit with her back around and see how you feel.
posted by Brainy at 11:30 AM on March 3, 2006

Don't do it. Don't tell your S.O. no matter what, even if you break up with him or her. Best to let them down easy or never tell if you stay with them. beware of doing things that seem like the "right" thing to do when they make you feel less guilty for doing something wrong.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:35 AM on March 3, 2006

If you must philander - I wouldn't tell your SO EVER. people SAY they want to know the truth. But really they don't.

However remember this: No matter how cool and great this person seems - it's 70% the newness and the naughtiness. and the other 30% is because you want to break up with SO and can't admit it.

Also you REALLY want to get involved with somebody who get's involved with people who are already involved... w... uh... what were we talking about?

Iowa: You think this new person is so great? Great. You better. Because some where there is guy who is saying to himself "Thank God I got rid of that cheating bitch."
posted by tkchrist at 12:54 PM on March 3, 2006

You know, I met someone else who blew my mind too. Times were tough between me and my S.O., and I entertained notions of infidelity. I mean, we'd totally struck a chord together!

Then I was forced to work with this amazing new person for four months, and I came to see how shallow, ignorant, and weak-willed she is, and am so thankful I'm with the woman I love and have chosen to remain faithful to her.
posted by rocketman at 1:19 PM on March 3, 2006

Someone before said the you should be kind even if it means you should lie to your current SO.... don't lie. They could end up finding out about this new person and they will know you lied. lying sucks.
posted by nimsey lou at 3:30 PM on March 3, 2006

people SAY they want to know the truth. But really they don't.

I would want to know the truth. But only so I could dump her.
posted by grouse at 3:59 PM on March 3, 2006

While my significant other was off for an extended trip (we live together)...

I have decided to break the news to my SO who returned yesterday (I think...)...

Something is seriously out of whack if your SO has been gone so long, you live together, and you aren't even sure if he/she has returned. [If I'm reading that correctly, anyhow.]

This speaks volumes, I think.
posted by contessa at 4:58 PM on March 3, 2006

Go for it. Trust your heart. Life is too short to over analyze these things (as the above posters seem to suggest).
posted by petsounds at 10:04 AM PST on March 3

By "trust your heart," he means "trust your feelings, your emotions." I will repeat what I said above: if you have begun an emotional bond with this new woman, you are in no position to make a logical choice. Your "heart" - by which he means your serotonin/oxytocin/whatever-flooded brain and your "gotta fuck as many different women as possible" genes - is totally and completely unreliable. Love is great, but pretending that it's a magical, infallible thing has gotten much better men than you in much bigger trouble than you can imagine.

In short: thinking with your heart equals thinking with your dick. Don't do that.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:36 PM on March 3, 2006

contessa, yeah that one threw me too but then I figured he meant
"I have decided (I think...) to break the news to my SO who returned yesterday" — he being 90% sure that he's decided as opposed to being 90% sure that she's home.
posted by blueberry at 5:18 AM on March 4, 2006

For no reason at all, I want to point out that a lot of commenters have made assumptions about gender. The only person whose gender we know is the "new person's" (female).

It may have no bearing on the validity of the answers, but I just wanted to note that a lot people are calling anon "he" and the old SO "she" without any evidence.
posted by Miko at 7:52 AM on March 4, 2006