How can I channel and release constant feelings of anger and hurt?

June 16, 2019 2:49 AM

I feel doomed to be an angry, bitter person for the rest of my life – and I don’t want that. I’m looking for reassurance that I’m not the only one who struggles with issues with expressing anger, and any tips for channeling and releasing this feeling would be so helpful.

I feel that I’ve been stomped on and steamrolled by so many people in my past. Multiple abusive relationships. Horrible “friends”. Sometimes it’s strangers I meet when dating or just existing in the world. I feel so beat down and worn out, but mostly sad, lonely and angry. I have no friends. I lock myself up in my apartment every day and have essentially stopped socializing entirely because I’m afraid and fully expect meeting another emotionally abusive asshole or someone who will treat me like crap and try to take advantage of me… and I won’t have the capability to fight back, to articulate my anger effectively, and to not allow them to treat me that way. Why should I expect any different if this has been my truth so far?

I spend my days just being so angry at the person I was. At the way I just let these people shit on me and couldn’t fight back. Angry at them for not valuing me and for treating me that way in the first place. During fights with the most recent abusive ex, I felt paralyzed in not being able to express my anger articulately and effectively. I either wanted to explode but without the words to express why, or I just completely shut down. He was incredibly manipulative and domineering during fights, and I would just sit there silently and take it much of the time… it’s just the effect he had on me. It’s like it sucked the brain power out of me and I couldn’t handle it. He would want me to react or respond but I felt like my voice was taken out of my body and by the time we were done, I felt that I was wrong and bad.

This guy was a real prize. Not only was he emotionally abusive, but he essentially strung me along and used me for sex for 3 years while I just nodded and went along with it, like I was hypnotized or something. So it doesn’t say much for me either.

I cut him out of my life about a year ago, but the hurt is with me today like it just happened. I’m ashamed that I let someone treat me that way, at 31. I mean dammit, I thought I was over these stupid patterns. It’s my fault for picking and staying with these people. But honestly sometimes I wonder.. is it me? Am I making these people act crazy?? I certainly don’t have a fan club of ride or die bffs telling me that no, of course I’m good and no, there’s nothing wrong with me. So it’s always been easy for me to believe all these people who tell me I’m shitty. It’s like when you hear someone say that all of their exes are crazy but then you realize, oh man, it’s because he/she made them crazy. Sometimes I think that maybe I’m that person that seems to bring out the evil in people.

I’m in therapy and working on establishing better boundaries with people and trying to make sure I don’t keep picking people who treat me badly. But it doesn’t make my current frustration at the past others and past me go away. My therapist is nice to talk to but not really helpful in this regard. She’d say something like “I wish you would have raged on [recent ex]” which honestly feels unproductive because it leads me to beat myself up about the situation even more about what I didn’t do, didn’t say, etc. She doesn’t provide much comfort or practical tips beyond things like why don’t you meditate or try an adaptogenic herb! Maybe hot tea!

It feels horrible. I can’t displace it or channel it. All of these people who hurt me, manipulated me, and treated me like garbage are out of my life completely, which is a good thing but it also means I have nowhere to put my anger. It feels like it consumes me, and I have no way out. I exercise regularly (multiple times a week) and while it takes the edge off, I still tend to live in this state of hurt.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this and made it out the other side, somehow. I feel doomed to be an angry, bitter person for the rest of my life – and I don’t want that. It's feeling like a more constant state of mind for me. I think I’m partly looking for reassurance that I’m not the only one who struggles with issues with expressing anger. I feel so alone in this. Any tips for channeling and releasing this feeling would be so helpful. Thank you for listening.

posted by koolaidnovel to Human Relations (15 answers total)

One of my ex's was arrested for battery related to domestic violence.

What helped me was talking to the woman at the prosecuting office, who was their domestic violence liaison. She was helpful and practical. One thing she said was my ex was not special, as he claimed, he was just another typical abuser, a textbook case. She didn't blame me, and she kept me informed, showed me how to go online and get court info, etc.

The therapist I found was in an office geared toward helping women's issues. She validated my feelings, and also gave me concrete tasks to build up my confidence and self-esteem, which helped me with the dwelling and rumination.

You may also find a support group helpful, depending on your ability to listen to other people's stories. When I was suffering from a bad bout of anxiety once, I signed up on an anxiety forum, but listening to/reading about people's anxiety experiences made mine worse! So I had to bow out. You could try it and see how it makes you feel.

I also have had issues with certain family members, and once in a while something reminds me of those issues, things that I feel are unresolved, but it's not worth pursuing for me, as they aren't going to change, so it would be more harmful if I tried to interact with them and get them to admit they were wrong. I will allow myself to dwell on it for a little while, and do some venting, but I have to stop and occupy myself with other things, as at a certain point, it starts to take over my entire day, or week, and that's not healthy for me (and doubt they are even thinking about me as much as I think about them!). Sometimes I will open up a blank email and write feelings there, then close it. I'll go back and delete without reading. It's just venting stuff, and it allows me to move on with my day.

I did get some library books out at one time, relationships books, etc. I made lists of what was important to me in a new relationship, and things that I won't tolerate from a partner. There was always that question of "Why did he do that? Why did he behave that way?" and then it slowly turned into, "what an jerk! I feel sorry for his next girlfriend." Now I rarely think of him, and have sort of edited things like vacations we took together to a vacation I took, and cut him out of my descriptions (as in, "I visited this place," not "my ex and I visited this place.").

I'd say discuss this with your therapist (not being happy with her second-guessing your past actions), or look for a new one, maybe one with experience helping victims of domestic abuse and/or trauma. I had PTSD-like symptoms for a while, which gradually diminished over time, and frankly, moving away from where my ex lived and cutting myself off from anyone who had anything to do with him (like one friend who wanted to talk about him, would tell me if she saw him at a bar, etc., nope, don't want to hear it).

One aspect of abuse is that it knocks down your self-esteem, and it will take a while to build it back up. I used to wish there was a place where I could safely go throw plates against a wall (there was a business like this, alas, no more). I saw something recently about ice cubes --- getting a bag and going out in the woods and whipping ice cubes against trees, or someplace where they won't do any harm. Sounds like fun to me! Take that, bad feelings, whack!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:59 AM on June 16, 2019

W T F ... ditch that totally unhelpful therapist. *Wow*. Look for someone experienced in domestic violence. Freezing in the face of abuse is NORMAL. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy. 2nd talking to others who’ve been in similar situations and come out the other side.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:45 AM on June 16, 2019

I have a lot of anger for things in my past (heck, and present), mostly around racism. I do feel better now because I've ditched a lot of toxic people and cultivated a smaller circle of better people who aren't racist (harder to do than it sounds) and around whom I feel good.

I'm working on seeing my past experiences as a blessing, even the terrible and hurtful parts, because they eventually brought me to a good present. I still wish those things hadn't happened, but since I can't change that, I can at least be glad for the strength and character they forced me to develop.

It's a process. I wish you the best.

Also- it's totally ok to fire a therapist whose comments make you feel worse. The things you've quoted really don't sound like they're helpful to you... it might feel really empowering to honour your feelings about this person, sever the relationship on your terms, and seek a new therapist!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:54 AM on June 16, 2019

Please know you're definitely not alone. There are a lot of people out there, that sadly, share your experiences.

I'll nth new therapist. I didn't really make progress on my PTSD/Depression/Anxiety/Panic Disorder until I found a therapist versed in childhood trauma. Support groups are great. I did have the same experience with a problem specific as Marie above. But later, a support group did help me. Actually, I went to a NAMI group that was aimed a people and their family members with any diagnosis. NAMI is a great resource to have in your back pocket.

What about talking to your GP/PCP about meds or a referral to a psychiatrist? Meds aren't the be all and end all, but they, plus lots of therapy, got me from a place like you are in to a place where I'm working and going to meet-up groups. I'm genuinely happy for the first time in my life.

Speaking of meet-up, I've been amazed at how much I like the groups I'm in. The best one is a group of people who get together to just color. It's a little more low stakes that other, because there is a bit less of social interaction with the other people. Plus I find coloring soothing.

Do you have any hobbies? I color. A lot. In real coloring books and on a color by number app. I know knitting or crocheting helps relax a lot of people.

I'm wishing you the best. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
posted by kathrynm at 6:45 AM on June 16, 2019

Your therapist is failing you. It seems like you’re really ready to open up to someone who can help, and your current therapist isn’t suited to you. You might be afraid of bitterness, but the fact that you’re willing to open up in therapy and look for ways to keep yourself hopeful tells me you’re a brave and optimistic person, and a lot less bitter than you think you are. Find a different therapist and keep doing what you’re doing!
posted by sallybrown at 7:15 AM on June 16, 2019

It's not your fault that you were abused and taken advantage of. The abuser says it is your fault but it is their fault. You did what you could to survive. You did what one can in a world that teaches women to be less.
I used to ask myself, " What kind of women would stay with an abuser?" The answer is every woman, if the conditions are right. The good news is we can learn to leave the abuser, and learn to leave the accusing voices, and find out that we are worthy and strong and more than what the world says. And slowly we realize that will protect us.
posted by SyraCarol at 7:28 AM on June 16, 2019

I agree with others that your therapist may not be a good fit. I agree that bad therapy is basically worse than no therapy. It is your life. You shouldn't be afraid to try different therapists until you find the right one. I went through 4 until I found a great one. Follow your gut.

You can read my past posts, but I am not a sunny optimist. I am never going to be the person who has cute sayings on pillows. That being said, you CAN get better. You CAN heal. You CAN change. You don't have to be the same person going forward. You don't have to carry that baggage.

I would also work on not carrying baggage from one relationship to another. Maybe work on yourself for a bit before entering into another relationship. When the time comes, realize that there ARE good guys out there. Tons of them. Again, you may have to date some jerks to find someone that is worthy of your love.

Here is the hard part: none of this is going to happen overnight. This was the hard part for me. I want everything yesterday. Take it one day at a time and do the best that you can. Try to love yourself. Don't feel lovable? Work towards being someone who is.

Good Luck. You can do this. You've already made the first steps and exhibited that you are ready for change
posted by kbbbo at 7:28 AM on June 16, 2019

I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck in a painful cycle of anger and hurt. Anger can be a very powerful emotional that's ultimately positive but it's hard to get to that next level when you're stuck on ruminating on the bad. I've been there, done that, and can say that it can and will get better. I agree to consider finding a new therapist who specializes in treating trauma. I am not a doctor or therapist so I cannot diagnose you but I can talk about my own experiences. I fought the diagnosis of PTSD for a long time, mostly because of my own fears but also because of a less-than-ideal therapist match. When I started seeing my current therapist, a social worker who specializes in treating trauma using modalities such as EMDR, I still fought the trauma diagnosis but also cried tears of relief for feeling understood for the first time in my life. Two years later and I'm in a great place, still dealing with a lot of external shit but more ready than ever to tackle it all with an optimistic outlook. I love that I'm not angry and bitter despite the current and past challenges because I remember feeling that way and now see it so often in others. For me, going on a low dose of an anti-depressant helped me break the cycle of rumination/anxiety. For the first time in my life, I saw what it's like to live without a constant flood of negativity dammed up and about to break. I didn't want to take medicine but I'm so glad I did; I don't necessarily "need" to take it all my life but it's important to have it my toolbox of self-care, along with an established relationship with a trusted psychiatrist.

That's what helped me. Your treatment journey may look similar or it may look very different but, either way, I know there's light at the end of the tunnel and that things can and will look up eventually. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 9:54 AM on June 16, 2019

I'm really sorry that you are suffering. I have been in a similar position, and do continue to struggle with abusive relationships and unkind people in my life. I agree with a lot of the comments here about your therapist. It sounds like they do not understand the dynamics or cycles of abuse, which means they really can't provide you with the care that you need and deserve right now. I will say that finding a therapist who focuses on trauma has been very useful for me. I found mine by searching for trauma in the Psychology Today "Find a Therapist" database.

I also want to second the idea of making something creative. Coloring is a great suggestion. I knit, draw, and play piano. I am not very good at drawing or at the piano, but it doesn't matter. I'm not doing it to make something pretty for consumption. Making things is instead a really useful way to work through and make sense of my feelings. I also find that gardening can fulfill this same purpose, although it's less immersive than tactile crafts are for me.

Take care.
posted by sockermom at 10:00 AM on June 16, 2019

I’m ashamed that I let someone treat me that way, at 31.

This is SUCH a common feeling. As a society we need to stop telling women they have trash taste in men and start telling men to stop being trash.
posted by saucysault at 10:01 AM on June 16, 2019

I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly! My mother is a problem and treats me poorly. While not an identical situation, I have found great help in Captain Awkward’s website. It has helped me to read through all the stories there and know that I’m not alone in struggling to be treated well. Also, the author gives suggested scripts/dialogues that I’ve found helpful!
posted by ticketmaster10 at 11:06 AM on June 16, 2019

I lock myself up in my apartment every day and have essentially stopped socializing entirely because I’m afraid and fully expect meeting another emotionally abusive asshole or someone who will treat me like crap and try to take advantage of me… and I won’t have the capability to fight back, to articulate my anger effectively, and to not allow them to treat me that way.

Oh wow, I feel you. I know for me, a lot of the anger is actually fear. It sucks feeling vulnerable, so when I get scared, I usually don't feel scared, I feel furious. Then I wonder why working out really hard or venting or whatever else just burns off that top layer of rage and doesn't touch that simmering anger. That's because, at heart, that simmering anger is fear, not anger at all, and the way to sooth it is to feel safer.

The most important way that I have come to feel safer has been to practice being vulnerable in really gentle, trustworthy situations, getting positive feedback and feeling reassured that those situations really are gentle and trustworthy, and branching out bit by bit. Like, starting really small. The first way I practiced being vulnerable was by being more open with my closest, oldest friends. Not anything groundbreaking, I just was a little more frank than felt "comfortable," and even if I wasn't feeling tip top, I kept reaching out to them and stopped flaking on seeing/talking to them. And guess what, they didn't reject me or use any of that frankness and availability against me. They actually opened up right back, and we've become closer. Then I started practicing being more open with people who maybe I wasn't as close to but in situations/spaces that seemed really safe. Like being more open and frank in therapy, or in my writing. And that's gone well, too.

And that's still pretty much where I'm at right now. Another big state-of-mind thing that's been helpful is to respect my own boundaries and comfort. It used to be that I just figured I needed to box up any discomfort or fear and push on through in order to do whatever it was I was "supposed to." Well, you don't actually need to do that. You can respect your own boundaries. You SHOULD respect your own boundaries.

It's really hard to trust again after your trust has been betrayed by someone very intimate in your life, it makes the world seem like a horrible and frightening place where anything can happen at any time and what can you even do to protect yourself? But the truth is that there are people out there you can trust, there are people out there who will be kind and dependable, and you just have to teach yourself that baby step by baby step. Start with the people who have already worked to build your trust, people like your closest friends, and go from there. You're not alone, and you can do this.
posted by rue72 at 11:09 AM on June 16, 2019

Instead of joining in the criticism of your past self, I wish your therapist had been able to say to you, in the most caring way,

Your past self did the best she could with the tools she had at the time. It might not have the best of all possible solutions, but it was the best that she could manage. Now that you are out of that situation, you can start to do things you could do then - figure out why fell into using those tools and, more importantly, learn to use some new tools that will let you handle things differently next time."

You said that you felt paralyzed, you wanted to be angry but had not words - I'm guessing that those instincts came from somewhere, that your ex was not the first to do put you in that defenseless place. Perhaps you were even very young, when you truly didn't have any power or words that could have changed things. You wanted to shut down. Maybe you had experiences that taught you that shutting down was the safest option. I'm not saying what you did was the best choice or that you want to keep doing it that way but your past self deserves respect and compassion for her struggles.

I would also make sure you look at how you were able to cut him out of your life. That is also part of your story. Some women in your situation put up with the bad behavior for decades, not just three years. What part of you knew it was wrong? what part knew that you deserved better? where did you find the strength to act when so much of your experience had taught you it was safer to be passive? That women is also part of your past self, a part that you want to celebrate and use as a resource as face future challenges.
posted by metahawk at 12:45 AM on June 17, 2019

Thank you so much, you guys. Now I'm all emo crying at work reading these wonderful responses. :)
posted by koolaidnovel at 8:18 AM on June 17, 2019

I went through something similar. When I finally got a decent therapist, he was able to identify that my mother was a narcissist. The patterns I learned in childhood, to metaphorically set myself on fire to try to please her, were things that carried over into adulthood. I was attracted to narcissists, trying to find one to please as I could never please my mom, and they were attracted to me, seeing someone they could use and abuse. When I learned to identify people with narcissistic tendencies, and stay away from them, I was able to establish healthy relationships with people who did not have those tendencies. It took me 40 years just to learn how to have healthy relationships. I think if you find a decent therapist, you too can find people who will love and appreciate you.
posted by mareliz at 1:27 PM on June 17, 2019