Organizing financial and estate documents for adult children
June 4, 2019 10:16 AM Subscribe
How do you wish your sick or deceased parent had organized, or did organize, financial information for you?
My husband and I have our wills and DNR type paperwork in order, up to date, and easy to find. One of our children has been named the Executor. However, we've got the typical embarassing mess of computer/phone passwords, account numbers, security questions, and the like relating to our banks, brokers, our home, credit cards, doctors, utilities, VA, ongoing subscriptions, Amazon, Paypal, ongoing payments--all that.
Some of you on the green have had to deal with the aftermath of your parents' illnesses or sudden deaths made worse by their financial records not being as well organized as they should have been. (If they did a good job, please share.) I have been putting off for ages making a really well organized list of all our accounts, passwords, security questions, titles, subscriptions, credit cards, medical and legal contacts so we could let our kids know how our bills get paid, where real estate and car titles are, what's on autopay or not, and whom to call--that kind of thing.
What I have in mind is creating a spreadsheet of this information so the Executor can get into our computers/phones, accounts and access all the information she needs to pay bills, close out accounts, shut down Auto Pay, sell a car, home, etc. If you underwent the process of dealing with your parents' tech and financial lives, would a spreadsheet laying it all out have been helpful? Should we sign up for one of these one-pass password services and, if so, which one? Where should this information be safely stored? (We don't have a bank security box.)
I know we "should" all sit down and hash this out, and will. But I want to work backwards here, and just do the list/spreadsheet first just to get it off my To Do list. Besides, it would be enormously useful for us as a couple to get this in great shape now.
So what kind of document would've helped (or did help you) you sort through your parents' financial lives when you suddenly had to do so under stress?
My husband and I have our wills and DNR type paperwork in order, up to date, and easy to find. One of our children has been named the Executor. However, we've got the typical embarassing mess of computer/phone passwords, account numbers, security questions, and the like relating to our banks, brokers, our home, credit cards, doctors, utilities, VA, ongoing subscriptions, Amazon, Paypal, ongoing payments--all that.
Some of you on the green have had to deal with the aftermath of your parents' illnesses or sudden deaths made worse by their financial records not being as well organized as they should have been. (If they did a good job, please share.) I have been putting off for ages making a really well organized list of all our accounts, passwords, security questions, titles, subscriptions, credit cards, medical and legal contacts so we could let our kids know how our bills get paid, where real estate and car titles are, what's on autopay or not, and whom to call--that kind of thing.
What I have in mind is creating a spreadsheet of this information so the Executor can get into our computers/phones, accounts and access all the information she needs to pay bills, close out accounts, shut down Auto Pay, sell a car, home, etc. If you underwent the process of dealing with your parents' tech and financial lives, would a spreadsheet laying it all out have been helpful? Should we sign up for one of these one-pass password services and, if so, which one? Where should this information be safely stored? (We don't have a bank security box.)
I know we "should" all sit down and hash this out, and will. But I want to work backwards here, and just do the list/spreadsheet first just to get it off my To Do list. Besides, it would be enormously useful for us as a couple to get this in great shape now.
So what kind of document would've helped (or did help you) you sort through your parents' financial lives when you suddenly had to do so under stress?
My mother keeps her logins and passwords in a tiny paper notebook next to her computer, one account per page (to allow for changes). Low tech, but easy for her to use so she doesn't have to fight with things, and easy for me to go in and handle things when she broke her hip last year.
We have this idea that you shouldn't write down passwords, but for an older person who lives alone, honestly just the simple notebook was an excellent solution.
posted by anastasiav at 10:40 AM on June 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
We have this idea that you shouldn't write down passwords, but for an older person who lives alone, honestly just the simple notebook was an excellent solution.
posted by anastasiav at 10:40 AM on June 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
I have gone through this recently. In our case things were very organized ... until they weren't. We had access to a binder with copies of all of the legal documents. It took a while to find the originals which were stored elsewhere (and not obviously so). We also had a box of unopened mail and some bank records. So I really started from a mess of stuff and it was unclear what was up to date.
The first thing I did was make a spreadsheet. So yes, make a spreadsheet. I put it in Google Docs and shared it with the other people involved. Nothing on there was super confidential (like SS#s or passwords) but it was all in one place and I used it CONSTANTLY (and still do). It's like an inventory because even if you don't have all the right details (and often we didn't) it gave us a place to start and work through. I would argue that this should be somewhere easy to keep updated and easily accessible.
You didn't mention a Power of Attorney document. This was, for us, the single most important thing to have arranged. Once we had that whether we had account numbers or passwords or whatever was largely meaningless and we could basically BE the person and reset everything anyway.
As for the sensitive information - for that I've added them into my own 1Password system. I suspect there are better ways but this works for now.
None of this information is in a safe deposit box (the bank told us these are increasingly hard to get with years-long waiting lists) but we have a fireproof safe with documents and copies of some things in it. That's also where some of this was stored in the original home.
posted by marylynn at 10:45 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
The first thing I did was make a spreadsheet. So yes, make a spreadsheet. I put it in Google Docs and shared it with the other people involved. Nothing on there was super confidential (like SS#s or passwords) but it was all in one place and I used it CONSTANTLY (and still do). It's like an inventory because even if you don't have all the right details (and often we didn't) it gave us a place to start and work through. I would argue that this should be somewhere easy to keep updated and easily accessible.
You didn't mention a Power of Attorney document. This was, for us, the single most important thing to have arranged. Once we had that whether we had account numbers or passwords or whatever was largely meaningless and we could basically BE the person and reset everything anyway.
As for the sensitive information - for that I've added them into my own 1Password system. I suspect there are better ways but this works for now.
None of this information is in a safe deposit box (the bank told us these are increasingly hard to get with years-long waiting lists) but we have a fireproof safe with documents and copies of some things in it. That's also where some of this was stored in the original home.
posted by marylynn at 10:45 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
For a lot of this stuff, I think a password manager is probably a really good starting point. It’ll be useful to you now, and you can give a single password to your kids (or leave it with your lawyer) that’ll give them access to everything else. I’d recommend giving them the password now if you trust that they won’t abuse it, because then they’ll also have easy access if you’re ill or incapacitated.
I use 1Password, which is great on Mac and iOS, but a different one may be best on a different platform. In addition to storing passwords, it has sections for credit cards, identities (aka drivers license or passport info) and free-text notes. You can also add as much additional info to each entry as you want — I include account and routing numbers, security questions, etc. in important entries so that it’s all in one place. You can also add tags to entries, which would let you tag “important” accounts so they’d know what to look at first. That way, they don’t have to know which bank you use etc. they can just look through the important tag and find out that way.
I think a password manager is a better idea than a spreadsheet, because it will stay updated as a natural part of using it — when you change a password, you do it through the password manager so there’s no extra step to remember. And you can start updating things as you go, once the password manager is set up. If you go to log in to a site and the password isn’t there, you can update it right then. I can’t imagine a spreadsheet actually staying up-to-date enough to really be useful.
posted by duien at 10:48 AM on June 4, 2019
I use 1Password, which is great on Mac and iOS, but a different one may be best on a different platform. In addition to storing passwords, it has sections for credit cards, identities (aka drivers license or passport info) and free-text notes. You can also add as much additional info to each entry as you want — I include account and routing numbers, security questions, etc. in important entries so that it’s all in one place. You can also add tags to entries, which would let you tag “important” accounts so they’d know what to look at first. That way, they don’t have to know which bank you use etc. they can just look through the important tag and find out that way.
I think a password manager is a better idea than a spreadsheet, because it will stay updated as a natural part of using it — when you change a password, you do it through the password manager so there’s no extra step to remember. And you can start updating things as you go, once the password manager is set up. If you go to log in to a site and the password isn’t there, you can update it right then. I can’t imagine a spreadsheet actually staying up-to-date enough to really be useful.
posted by duien at 10:48 AM on June 4, 2019
I would err on the side of something you'll use. If you make a perfect spreadsheet but don't maintain it and you kids don't have to step in in any meaningful way for ten years, they're still going to be high and dry.
Try to consolidate things a bit -- make sure that all of your "autopay" reminders and statements go to a single email address, and filter them to a folder called "autopay" or "statements". But anything you get regular statements for via USPS will turn up in the mailbox soon enough and they'll get it.
The other tip I have as the person who went through my uncle's contacts after his stroke is to think about whether or not they know how to reach all the people who would want to know that you're hospitalized or deceased. He was single and had a very full social life but I spent a lot of time writing to people who came back to me a few days later with something like "you know, he was really close to Rebecca from the theater group? I don't even remember what it was called but does the theater group know what happened?" and I had to track down the name of the theater group and Rebecca's full name and reach out to her. (My dad was able to handle the legal and financial side of his estate -- I was just assigned the project of finding his friends.)
Do your neighbors know how to contact your children (not just the executor)? That's another thing that proved helpful -- during his stroke my uncle's next door neighbor called my parents (he should have called an ambulance FIRST but that's another conversation) right away which meant that they didn't wait for the hospital to figure out who to call.
posted by amandabee at 11:03 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Try to consolidate things a bit -- make sure that all of your "autopay" reminders and statements go to a single email address, and filter them to a folder called "autopay" or "statements". But anything you get regular statements for via USPS will turn up in the mailbox soon enough and they'll get it.
The other tip I have as the person who went through my uncle's contacts after his stroke is to think about whether or not they know how to reach all the people who would want to know that you're hospitalized or deceased. He was single and had a very full social life but I spent a lot of time writing to people who came back to me a few days later with something like "you know, he was really close to Rebecca from the theater group? I don't even remember what it was called but does the theater group know what happened?" and I had to track down the name of the theater group and Rebecca's full name and reach out to her. (My dad was able to handle the legal and financial side of his estate -- I was just assigned the project of finding his friends.)
Do your neighbors know how to contact your children (not just the executor)? That's another thing that proved helpful -- during his stroke my uncle's next door neighbor called my parents (he should have called an ambulance FIRST but that's another conversation) right away which meant that they didn't wait for the hospital to figure out who to call.
posted by amandabee at 11:03 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
you may have already done this (it sounds like you have?) but ask the designated executor if she's willing to do the job, don't let it be a surprise. it is a lot of work and no fun but there is still potential for other children to feel slighted if they aren't aware in advance.
To do a lot of things as the executor, you have to have copies of the death certificate(s). these take a little time to get. there is an immediate window right after a death when if you have all the account etc. information, you can sort some things out before telling the banks anybody is dead. and while I will not and do not endorse breaking the law in a public forum, and do not recommend doing anything with potentially serious consequences, it would be good for them to be aware of the delays that arise while you're waiting to be officially empowered to do things with estate funds or access things like safe deposit boxes. having a consultation with an estate lawyer before they need one -- the executor or just the two of you -- might be prohibitively expensive or unnecessary, but it might be helpful. they know about these things. and let your executor read your will now, just so they have an idea of the kinds of assets they'll be dealing with. they might have suggestions or questions.
Not about money, but an up-to-date contact list of anyone who will be terribly hurt if they aren't informed of your death/funeral will be an enormous help. particularly old friends and relatives your children haven't met or might not remember. social media may make this unnecessary for some, but probably not for everyone.
a written indication of your wishes for funeral planning, if you have any, will also be invaluable. even if you don't care, it's easier for your kids to follow a plan and know they're doing the right thing/spending the right amount of money than to try to work out "what they would have wanted" in the middle of a terrible and hectic time.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:21 AM on June 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
To do a lot of things as the executor, you have to have copies of the death certificate(s). these take a little time to get. there is an immediate window right after a death when if you have all the account etc. information, you can sort some things out before telling the banks anybody is dead. and while I will not and do not endorse breaking the law in a public forum, and do not recommend doing anything with potentially serious consequences, it would be good for them to be aware of the delays that arise while you're waiting to be officially empowered to do things with estate funds or access things like safe deposit boxes. having a consultation with an estate lawyer before they need one -- the executor or just the two of you -- might be prohibitively expensive or unnecessary, but it might be helpful. they know about these things. and let your executor read your will now, just so they have an idea of the kinds of assets they'll be dealing with. they might have suggestions or questions.
Not about money, but an up-to-date contact list of anyone who will be terribly hurt if they aren't informed of your death/funeral will be an enormous help. particularly old friends and relatives your children haven't met or might not remember. social media may make this unnecessary for some, but probably not for everyone.
a written indication of your wishes for funeral planning, if you have any, will also be invaluable. even if you don't care, it's easier for your kids to follow a plan and know they're doing the right thing/spending the right amount of money than to try to work out "what they would have wanted" in the middle of a terrible and hectic time.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:21 AM on June 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Make sure your executor has the most recent copy of your will. My sister gave me an earlier copy and I discovered that the original with her lawyer had significant changes that would have made my life easier if I had known it earlier. I wouldn't have had to panic over the possible fight over her house if I'd known she'd left it outright to one of her kids.
My sister had a list of passwords she just kept in Notepad. It was very helpful, but it wasn't completely up-to-date. Fortunately, we had her phone and her phone password, so when we went in to change passwords we couldn't find, we had the phone to receive the text code to change the passwords. However you chose to handle it, make sure it is constantly updated and has all the important information like account number.
Make sure all of your bills are in one place too. They'll have to send out notices to your creditors and your executor will need to know who they are. And keep your deed and your vehicles' titles in a clearly marked place for transfer or sale.
I'm in a bit of executor hell--executor heck, if you will--and I'm not sure where all of my sister's money is. I know the location of most of it, but she has some little accounts I need to collect and for all I know, there are some I don't know about. And please, please be careful of your tangible personal property. My sister had cancer, and she had chemo brain--her short-term memory was shot--and she took her jewelry out of a safe deposit box and hid it somewhere in her house and we still haven't been able to find it.
posted by ceejaytee at 11:40 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
My sister had a list of passwords she just kept in Notepad. It was very helpful, but it wasn't completely up-to-date. Fortunately, we had her phone and her phone password, so when we went in to change passwords we couldn't find, we had the phone to receive the text code to change the passwords. However you chose to handle it, make sure it is constantly updated and has all the important information like account number.
Make sure all of your bills are in one place too. They'll have to send out notices to your creditors and your executor will need to know who they are. And keep your deed and your vehicles' titles in a clearly marked place for transfer or sale.
I'm in a bit of executor hell--executor heck, if you will--and I'm not sure where all of my sister's money is. I know the location of most of it, but she has some little accounts I need to collect and for all I know, there are some I don't know about. And please, please be careful of your tangible personal property. My sister had cancer, and she had chemo brain--her short-term memory was shot--and she took her jewelry out of a safe deposit box and hid it somewhere in her house and we still haven't been able to find it.
posted by ceejaytee at 11:40 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
I had to go through this recently. My parent had a physical folder next to the computer, and there were sheets of paper with URL of service, user name, password and any pertinent details for each online thing they used. They had boxes of paperwork going back decades, which was a bit too much - we didn't need 20 years old bank statements and in the end it was an additional obstacle, because we had to dig through stuff to find what we needed.
I would've appreciated a list of obligations - eg. utilities, regular bills to pay, etc to spare me from having to dig through 12 months of old paperwork to see what comes up regularly.
I second having a list of contacts to be notified.
posted by gakiko at 11:40 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
I would've appreciated a list of obligations - eg. utilities, regular bills to pay, etc to spare me from having to dig through 12 months of old paperwork to see what comes up regularly.
I second having a list of contacts to be notified.
posted by gakiko at 11:40 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Its helpful to have a "joint" person on an account, someone you can trust. It gives them immediate access to funds to help get through the hump until estate settled. My mum's account is still "sealed" and I had to provide documentation for transactions that had gone through after her death. I wasn't joint, so it made it slightly more complicated. Be aware if you do have her bank card, and do not have joint, you can't legally take any money out and can be charged.
Anything that can have a beneficiary should- not "the estate of", but an actual named person is better.
And 3rding the list of contacts. And even better, with notations of how related, and how quickly they need to be notified.
posted by Ftsqg at 11:43 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Anything that can have a beneficiary should- not "the estate of", but an actual named person is better.
And 3rding the list of contacts. And even better, with notations of how related, and how quickly they need to be notified.
posted by Ftsqg at 11:43 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Agreed that if possible, have someone as a joint account holder for your bank accounts. I was the executor and beneficiary of the estate, power of attorney, only child of an unmarried man, with copies of the death certificate, but because the bank incorrectly jotted down his date of death during a phone call, they had to 'open an investigation' that lasted over a month in which I had no access to the funds. AGH!
My dad had everything paperwork-related in an enormous binder. Separated by section- financial accounts, healthcare and insurance, passwords, contact information. If you want to easily keep things updated, make shared Google Docs or spreadsheets or something.
posted by rachaelfaith at 12:16 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
My dad had everything paperwork-related in an enormous binder. Separated by section- financial accounts, healthcare and insurance, passwords, contact information. If you want to easily keep things updated, make shared Google Docs or spreadsheets or something.
posted by rachaelfaith at 12:16 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
I use 1Password and add additional information (account number, answers to secret questions etc) in the notes.
This makes it part of my regular work flow and not something that I have to up date separately for my heirs. My husband knows my 1password and laptop passwords (saved in his own copy of 1password) A copy is kept in a small safe int he house - the kids know where it is, where the key is kept. Assuming they will need to come to the house anyway, they can get what they need and then use my laptop to manage it.
posted by metahawk at 12:29 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
This makes it part of my regular work flow and not something that I have to up date separately for my heirs. My husband knows my 1password and laptop passwords (saved in his own copy of 1password) A copy is kept in a small safe int he house - the kids know where it is, where the key is kept. Assuming they will need to come to the house anyway, they can get what they need and then use my laptop to manage it.
posted by metahawk at 12:29 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
When my father died last year his wife discovered that she, a divorced teacher who married him in her 50's, sold her house and whose only (Borders) credit card became defunct early on accepted being added onto his credit cards. She did not realize that she was an "authorized user" and not based on her own previously good credit. When he died some 20 years into the marriage, and she properly notified American Express and Visa they shut down the accounts and she was left without a credit card. Imagine the stress of a spouse's death and funeral and no credit! So make absolute sure that if one spouse predeceases the other you each have personal credit established. Same goes for my dad's British Air more-than-a-million miles frequent flier account. She was "authorized", though they traveled together all over the world. After his death she has not been able to transfer the miles - my dad loved travel and making all the arrangements. It never occured to her that her frequent flier account was tied to his. The miles evaporated, and the free tickets he had earned are not usable without the owner of the account accompanying the guest. Other miles programs may operate differently, but the same warning to have your own accounts applies.
My mom left a typewritten list of people she wanted notified after her death, but it was so out of date that she had actually cut off two of the people she mentioned after some sort of argument I knew nothing about. It was a little awkward. I'm an only child, my parents were divorced and it was all left to me.
On the other hand, she made me the beneficiary for her bank account, IRA and her co-op apartment to prevent them from having to go to probate. It sped things up mightily. You can also do this with life insurance.
Bless you for trying to reduce stressful complications for your grieving children!
posted by citygirl at 12:49 PM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
My mom left a typewritten list of people she wanted notified after her death, but it was so out of date that she had actually cut off two of the people she mentioned after some sort of argument I knew nothing about. It was a little awkward. I'm an only child, my parents were divorced and it was all left to me.
On the other hand, she made me the beneficiary for her bank account, IRA and her co-op apartment to prevent them from having to go to probate. It sped things up mightily. You can also do this with life insurance.
Bless you for trying to reduce stressful complications for your grieving children!
posted by citygirl at 12:49 PM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
the bank told us these are increasingly hard to get with years-long waiting lists
This can vary a lot. I have a safe deposit box in my rural area and it was easy to get. My sister and i share it and copies of both of our wills are there as well as a little "in the event I am dead" document with things like passwords to main things etc. Some of what will work for you will depend on your executor's level of technical skill. If they are not technical, do not leave them with a password manager, leave them with printouts. Both of my parents died in the last decade. I was executor for both. Both did a lot of things right and a few things wrong.
Father - died first and suddenly. Had recently gotten divorced. Had a Google doc with nearly all of his passwords in it. SO HELPFUL. I also knew the answer to all of his secret questions. Had a money manager/guy who became my money manager/guy who brought me up to speed on many things like which accounts were which etc.. We went with the lawyer who did his divorce which was a terrible idea. She was local but also friends with his ex (small town). Get your own lawyer. Ours made things take longer than it needed to (doing a lot of accounting when me and my sister were the only beneficiaries).
He had not done some post-divorce stuff like getting his ex off of their joint bank accounts and safe deposit and fuck her she took stuff that was legally but in no way ethically hers. He had a trust that was my grandparents' which was confusing as hell and was managed by someone who hadn't known him. We used his tax guy which was a mistake. Get your own tax person. With my father's passwords we were able to change a lot of things and some things we decided not to change. I think the gas bill may still be in his name and the cable bill DEFINITELY is because it was harder to change it than to just use the "online chat" feature of the cable website to make changes. He had gotten the contents of the house appraised somewhat recently which was helpful. He had uploaded a lot of his old photos to Flickr which was actually a great thing to have.
Mother - died of cancer which she'd known was coming for years (but was in good health until right before the end). She saw what we'd been through with my dad and tried to make it easier but bless her heart, was not organized. So I got a sheet of passwords (she would print a new one every year or so and just put it in the folder with the old sheet, tons of scribbling out and etc, ugh) and they would be like rd+++123 and none of them worked! Turned out there was a key where +++ stood for some letters but HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN. She had a three ring binder with all her information in it but some account numbers had changed and it was a pain to figure out which was which. Her lawyer was salty when we didn't go with them to deal with the will. She put my sister on her bank account which made so many things easier.
She had put most stuff including her house in trust which means we didn't even have to go through probate, SO GREAT. Less great: she never tossed anything out and so I have a shit ton of paper to go through just to see if any of it is important. I do not want this job and I somewhat resent it. Do your Swedish Death Clean while you are still able. My mother had some personal essays that I found while digging through her stuff which I really would have preferred not to have seen. She had also lent a bunch of money to various people during her lifetime and was like "This is how much Bob owes me...." and we just wrote those debts off immediately, life's too short.
Both parents
- had plans for their pets
- did not have sekrit money or bad things we would have been upset to learn about (not like mom's essay but more like sekrit family or scary debt)
- had communications with me about their general wishes so when I had to go "off script" for reasons I had a good idea I was pointed in the right direction
- had email accounts with gmail that was easy to follow and gave us a lot of insight into bills and stuff
- left passwords for important things
Neither parent
- left good information about maintenance plans/schedule for house(s)
- brought any of their friends into the loop, so we had to wrassle sometimes with what friends thought they might have wanted
- got rid of a damned thing and left me and my sister with way too much stuff
Any plan you make is better than the plans you think might be ideal but put off making. Good luck, happy to answer more questions.
posted by jessamyn at 2:11 PM on June 4, 2019 [7 favorites]
This can vary a lot. I have a safe deposit box in my rural area and it was easy to get. My sister and i share it and copies of both of our wills are there as well as a little "in the event I am dead" document with things like passwords to main things etc. Some of what will work for you will depend on your executor's level of technical skill. If they are not technical, do not leave them with a password manager, leave them with printouts. Both of my parents died in the last decade. I was executor for both. Both did a lot of things right and a few things wrong.
Father - died first and suddenly. Had recently gotten divorced. Had a Google doc with nearly all of his passwords in it. SO HELPFUL. I also knew the answer to all of his secret questions. Had a money manager/guy who became my money manager/guy who brought me up to speed on many things like which accounts were which etc.. We went with the lawyer who did his divorce which was a terrible idea. She was local but also friends with his ex (small town). Get your own lawyer. Ours made things take longer than it needed to (doing a lot of accounting when me and my sister were the only beneficiaries).
He had not done some post-divorce stuff like getting his ex off of their joint bank accounts and safe deposit and fuck her she took stuff that was legally but in no way ethically hers. He had a trust that was my grandparents' which was confusing as hell and was managed by someone who hadn't known him. We used his tax guy which was a mistake. Get your own tax person. With my father's passwords we were able to change a lot of things and some things we decided not to change. I think the gas bill may still be in his name and the cable bill DEFINITELY is because it was harder to change it than to just use the "online chat" feature of the cable website to make changes. He had gotten the contents of the house appraised somewhat recently which was helpful. He had uploaded a lot of his old photos to Flickr which was actually a great thing to have.
Mother - died of cancer which she'd known was coming for years (but was in good health until right before the end). She saw what we'd been through with my dad and tried to make it easier but bless her heart, was not organized. So I got a sheet of passwords (she would print a new one every year or so and just put it in the folder with the old sheet, tons of scribbling out and etc, ugh) and they would be like rd+++123 and none of them worked! Turned out there was a key where +++ stood for some letters but HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN. She had a three ring binder with all her information in it but some account numbers had changed and it was a pain to figure out which was which. Her lawyer was salty when we didn't go with them to deal with the will. She put my sister on her bank account which made so many things easier.
She had put most stuff including her house in trust which means we didn't even have to go through probate, SO GREAT. Less great: she never tossed anything out and so I have a shit ton of paper to go through just to see if any of it is important. I do not want this job and I somewhat resent it. Do your Swedish Death Clean while you are still able. My mother had some personal essays that I found while digging through her stuff which I really would have preferred not to have seen. She had also lent a bunch of money to various people during her lifetime and was like "This is how much Bob owes me...." and we just wrote those debts off immediately, life's too short.
Both parents
- had plans for their pets
- did not have sekrit money or bad things we would have been upset to learn about (not like mom's essay but more like sekrit family or scary debt)
- had communications with me about their general wishes so when I had to go "off script" for reasons I had a good idea I was pointed in the right direction
- had email accounts with gmail that was easy to follow and gave us a lot of insight into bills and stuff
- left passwords for important things
Neither parent
- left good information about maintenance plans/schedule for house(s)
- brought any of their friends into the loop, so we had to wrassle sometimes with what friends thought they might have wanted
- got rid of a damned thing and left me and my sister with way too much stuff
Any plan you make is better than the plans you think might be ideal but put off making. Good luck, happy to answer more questions.
posted by jessamyn at 2:11 PM on June 4, 2019 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Like other commenters, I too have recently gone through this. My comments are for the last parent, not the scenario where there is a surviving parent. My mom did a middling job of keeping things organized, and I was involved in her finances in the last few years, so I had a pretty good idea of all of the accounts. My main message is that if your executor is organized, it isn't too hard and they won't need nearly as much information as you are proposing in your question. The stuff I wanted a lot more than user IDs and passwords were family history and connections. In no particular order, here are some observations:
- Having user IDs and passwords wasn't actually that helpful in the end, because I was mainly interested in closing out accounts/services and it was easier to do that through customer service than self serve. I discovered that some places have "survivor relations" groups who specifically deal with this issue and can do things like make sure no one can open a new account in the deceased person's name.
- Having a list of accounts and account numbers was invaluable. That, coupled with things like knowing my mom's social security number and basic stuff like birthday and maiden name allowed me to get everything closed in short order; almost no one needed a second phone call. Only a few entities needed a death certificate, and some of those accepted a copy (like a photo taken with a cell phone, in one case).
- Maybe not realistic for your situation, but I was named TOD on brokerage accounts or was joint on things like checking accounts and a safety deposit box. That enabled me to get into the accounts and figure out what was going on after my mom passed away. Rather than log in as my mom, I just have each entity create a new user ID for me with access. A lot of the issues you mention like, "what is on autopay" can be just as easily figured out with access to the financials.
- My mom claimed to have a "death notebook" with all of the kind of information that you mention in your question. I never found it and suspect it was more of an intention than something she did. I had to sift through a lot of mail and records to reconstruct that. A death notebook, whether complete or not, would have helped.
- One thing that I wished I had was good contact info for all of my mom's friends. She had an address book, but it had not been well maintained in the last years and turned out to be incomplete or missing key people.
- Another thing that I wished I had done was to figure out who all of these people were in the family photos while my mom was lucid enough to tell me. Also: there were plenty of keepsakes and mementos that I don't know the history of. Both of my parents were in the military, and each of them had a parent in the military. I've now got three flags in display cases, but only know the two that go to my parents. A third one surfaced while I was cleaning out my mom's apartment that I'd never seen before.
posted by kovacs at 5:51 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
- Having user IDs and passwords wasn't actually that helpful in the end, because I was mainly interested in closing out accounts/services and it was easier to do that through customer service than self serve. I discovered that some places have "survivor relations" groups who specifically deal with this issue and can do things like make sure no one can open a new account in the deceased person's name.
- Having a list of accounts and account numbers was invaluable. That, coupled with things like knowing my mom's social security number and basic stuff like birthday and maiden name allowed me to get everything closed in short order; almost no one needed a second phone call. Only a few entities needed a death certificate, and some of those accepted a copy (like a photo taken with a cell phone, in one case).
- Maybe not realistic for your situation, but I was named TOD on brokerage accounts or was joint on things like checking accounts and a safety deposit box. That enabled me to get into the accounts and figure out what was going on after my mom passed away. Rather than log in as my mom, I just have each entity create a new user ID for me with access. A lot of the issues you mention like, "what is on autopay" can be just as easily figured out with access to the financials.
- My mom claimed to have a "death notebook" with all of the kind of information that you mention in your question. I never found it and suspect it was more of an intention than something she did. I had to sift through a lot of mail and records to reconstruct that. A death notebook, whether complete or not, would have helped.
- One thing that I wished I had was good contact info for all of my mom's friends. She had an address book, but it had not been well maintained in the last years and turned out to be incomplete or missing key people.
- Another thing that I wished I had done was to figure out who all of these people were in the family photos while my mom was lucid enough to tell me. Also: there were plenty of keepsakes and mementos that I don't know the history of. Both of my parents were in the military, and each of them had a parent in the military. I've now got three flags in display cases, but only know the two that go to my parents. A third one surfaced while I was cleaning out my mom's apartment that I'd never seen before.
posted by kovacs at 5:51 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Dave Ramsey has suggestions for a Legacy Drawer: https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/legacy-drawer-keep-your-family-prepared
We bought a two-drawer fireproof file cabinet and built our Legacy Drawer in one of the drawers. I update the printout of our passwords every year on New Year's Day. It's worked well, and it can be tailored to your specific needs.
posted by summerstorm at 10:15 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
We bought a two-drawer fireproof file cabinet and built our Legacy Drawer in one of the drawers. I update the printout of our passwords every year on New Year's Day. It's worked well, and it can be tailored to your specific needs.
posted by summerstorm at 10:15 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: What helpful answers once again. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I'm going to get started today!
posted by Elsie at 4:13 AM on June 5, 2019
posted by Elsie at 4:13 AM on June 5, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by foxfirefey at 10:32 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]