Long Distance Relationships With Adult Children
May 11, 2011 5:34 AM Subscribe
How do we have a satisfying long-distance relationships and visits, parent and in-law version?
Lately I’ve been having wistful confessional discussions with several friends and siblings, all of us in our late fifties, early sixties about how to have meaningful and “real” relationships with those of our adult children (horrible term to describe our offspring in their late twenties, early thirties) who live a plane ride or at least a full day’s drive away. I think we’re probably suffering from empty nest syndrome even though all of us have very busy careers, many interests, and good relationships with all our kids and spouses. We hear from our offspring all the time via texting, phone calls, Facebook, reading their blogs—all good.
But the face time, long-distance visits bear the same relationship to daily life as vacations do to non-vacation life. And it doesn’t feel satisfying on the parent/in-law side—all desserts, no main course. If we lived closer, we’d be dropping each other off at the garage for car maintenance visits, picking up extra groceries, having impromptu coffee, offering to wait for the cable guy. Instead, our times with our faraways seem to be going out non-stop to restaurants, seeing the sites, and generally touristing around. It reminds me of Parents’ Weekends at our kids former colleges where we’d squeeze in face time while eating out and going on tours. This is going to sound pathetic, but my favorite moment, on a recent visit to one of my faraway offsprings was not when we ate at an amazing local restaurant; it was seeing my kid’s happy face at the sight of the clean dog bed covers she’d reluctantly asked me to bring to the local, grungy laundromat. I was thrilled to sit there watching the bed covers slosh around instead of going sightseeing. I felt useful as did my brother on a recent visit to his faraway kid when Brother fixed all the off-track kitchen drawers in his faraway’s kitchen after asking for and getting permission to do so. My non-scientific group of parents of faraways likes doing that kind of ordinary stuff, but our kids seem to want to run around with us or they think that’s what we want to do. This Disneyland LDR is so different than our relationships with our more nearby children where we happily do those errands and have lots more mundane face time to connect. We're in the early stages of this LDR thing, no grandchildren yet, which will add another element to the situation.
So, adult children of caring-parents-who-seem-to-be-having-empty-nest-feelings-but-shouldn’t, how do you spend time with your parents when they visit you? Do you like this adult version of the Parents’ Weekend? Is that what a good LDR looks like to you and it’s good? If so, we’ll get with the program. But if you have another model that works, pass it on.
Lately I’ve been having wistful confessional discussions with several friends and siblings, all of us in our late fifties, early sixties about how to have meaningful and “real” relationships with those of our adult children (horrible term to describe our offspring in their late twenties, early thirties) who live a plane ride or at least a full day’s drive away. I think we’re probably suffering from empty nest syndrome even though all of us have very busy careers, many interests, and good relationships with all our kids and spouses. We hear from our offspring all the time via texting, phone calls, Facebook, reading their blogs—all good.
But the face time, long-distance visits bear the same relationship to daily life as vacations do to non-vacation life. And it doesn’t feel satisfying on the parent/in-law side—all desserts, no main course. If we lived closer, we’d be dropping each other off at the garage for car maintenance visits, picking up extra groceries, having impromptu coffee, offering to wait for the cable guy. Instead, our times with our faraways seem to be going out non-stop to restaurants, seeing the sites, and generally touristing around. It reminds me of Parents’ Weekends at our kids former colleges where we’d squeeze in face time while eating out and going on tours. This is going to sound pathetic, but my favorite moment, on a recent visit to one of my faraway offsprings was not when we ate at an amazing local restaurant; it was seeing my kid’s happy face at the sight of the clean dog bed covers she’d reluctantly asked me to bring to the local, grungy laundromat. I was thrilled to sit there watching the bed covers slosh around instead of going sightseeing. I felt useful as did my brother on a recent visit to his faraway kid when Brother fixed all the off-track kitchen drawers in his faraway’s kitchen after asking for and getting permission to do so. My non-scientific group of parents of faraways likes doing that kind of ordinary stuff, but our kids seem to want to run around with us or they think that’s what we want to do. This Disneyland LDR is so different than our relationships with our more nearby children where we happily do those errands and have lots more mundane face time to connect. We're in the early stages of this LDR thing, no grandchildren yet, which will add another element to the situation.
So, adult children of caring-parents-who-seem-to-be-having-empty-nest-feelings-but-shouldn’t, how do you spend time with your parents when they visit you? Do you like this adult version of the Parents’ Weekend? Is that what a good LDR looks like to you and it’s good? If so, we’ll get with the program. But if you have another model that works, pass it on.
Do a bunch of Nothing together.
I live 1500 miles from my parents and siblings. When my wife & I take the kids out there each summer, the center of the trip is a weekend up at the lake cabin with my parents and whoever else can make it. We eat, we drink coffee, we fish with the kids, we talktalktalk about everything and nothing. Actually we eat a LOT. At night my brothers and I drink beer around the campfire. There's a 3+-hour drive each way, which is plenty more time for talking.
My parents get to show my kids things they don't learn at home, and my kids get to know my parents. The minor domesticites are where we feel each person's edges, and where we learn to mesh in new ways.
Back in the Cities we'll go to museums or a zoo or a ball game, but up at The Lake is where things are simpler and everyone grows closer.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:17 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I live 1500 miles from my parents and siblings. When my wife & I take the kids out there each summer, the center of the trip is a weekend up at the lake cabin with my parents and whoever else can make it. We eat, we drink coffee, we fish with the kids, we talktalktalk about everything and nothing. Actually we eat a LOT. At night my brothers and I drink beer around the campfire. There's a 3+-hour drive each way, which is plenty more time for talking.
My parents get to show my kids things they don't learn at home, and my kids get to know my parents. The minor domesticites are where we feel each person's edges, and where we learn to mesh in new ways.
Back in the Cities we'll go to museums or a zoo or a ball game, but up at The Lake is where things are simpler and everyone grows closer.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:17 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Stay home, make a big meal together. Do simple stuff like going to the movies or bowling or even shopping. Just hang out.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:23 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:23 AM on May 11, 2011
Stay home! I'm in this sort of situation and I hate the touristy visits. I would much rather sit around the kitchen table and talk of chips and dips than go out to a local bar to taste the microbrews (or whatever).
Pick up enough groceries to cook for the visit (or go grocery shopping as a family), make your meals together. Go for walks, to ball games, to the beach if you feel like it that morning, but otherwise? Just relax.
posted by AmandaA at 6:26 AM on May 11, 2011
Pick up enough groceries to cook for the visit (or go grocery shopping as a family), make your meals together. Go for walks, to ball games, to the beach if you feel like it that morning, but otherwise? Just relax.
posted by AmandaA at 6:26 AM on May 11, 2011
Yeah, so, I'm on the other end of this right now. Turning 30 this year, got a professional career, and live 600 miles from my parents, with whom I maintain a close relationship. My mom in particular would love to be more involved in all her kids' lives, but starting next month, the closest will be living about two hours away.
I think I'm going to see my parents five or six times this year. I'm headed out there this weekend to see my brother graduate from college, we'll be going on vacation in August, and I'll probably head home for the holidays. They take periodic trips, either for fun or business, and sometimes that brings them close enough for a visit. But none of that really lets is get involved in each other's lives the way you're talking about.
Not only would she like to do those sorts of things for me and my sister, but we'd both really appreciate having her around. Right now I live by myself, so if I need to get my car worked on, I've got to either work with the dealer's shuttle schedule or rent a car, neither of which makes me happy. And I'm investigating elective surgery in the next few months and have no idea how I'm going to make that work. My sister has a roommate, so she's situated a little differently, but I know she runs into similar issues.
I'd also like to be able to do more for my parents. They just moved house, and I actually flew out there last fall to help them clean out their attic, as I was the only kid available, and they're starting to get to the point where crawling around in a tight space for more than a few minutes is more than just unpleasant. And there's no way someone who didn't have an intimate familiarity with the twenty-plus years of stuff they had up there was going to be able to help them sort it all out.* That was a really great time for us, and there would be more of those if I lived closer.
From my own experience, I think that if you both want this to happen--and talk to your kids to make sure you're on the same page--that it's going to be incumbent upon you to see that it does. Right now, I'm just not in a position where I can just leave the state to spend time with family because it's something I want to do. My job doesn't give me that kind of flexibility. Most young-ish adults' don't, and I'm sure yours didn't if you can look back thirty years or so. But my mom doesn't work, and my dad now gets six weeks of vacation a year, so they can make that sort of thing happen if they want to. And they do, which is nice. They helped me move into my apartment when I finished law school, and mom came out to help me look at condos last month. If you and your spouse have white-collar jobs--or even just a lot of seniority in a blue-collar one--then odds are pretty good that you'll be similarly situated.
I don't now how old your kids are, but if my experience--and my friend's experience--is anything to go by, they'll start to get more interested in the kind of ordinary stuff you're talking about rather than "running around," as you put it, in a minute here. Seriously, I'm to the point that if mom said she was coming over for the weekend, I'd ask if she objected to doing a deep cleaning of the apartment with me, 'cause I just don't have time right now. As your kids get a bit more settled, they'll appreciate that kind of thing more and more.
The cabin idea is a good one, but feel free to go for variations on a theme. My parents have taken to getting a condo on the beach for two weeks in August, inviting the kids to come down when we can. I was down for about four days last year and I'm taking a week down there this year. True, it isn't at home, mine or theirs, but everyone is basically staying put and living together, even if it's out of a suitcase, so a lot of the domestic-type things that form the glue of family life are still present, if you let them be. Planting a flag somewhere and inviting the kids to show up could work really well, and a lot of families I know are starting to do that. It costs money, to be sure, but it doesn't have to be hugely expensive, and if this isn't the sort of thing you're willing to save up for, what would be?
In any case, this is a relationship, and relationships take communication. If you think you're having a disconnect with your kids, the best thing to do is to talk about it with them. Be careful not to put a guilt trip on them, as a lot of people that move away from home will be dealing with that already and thus looking for it where it may not be. But offering to come out for a long weekend, even if they have to work, just so you can hang out is probably not going to be rejected.
I also found three boxes of books I thought I'd lost. Score!
posted by valkyryn at 6:27 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think I'm going to see my parents five or six times this year. I'm headed out there this weekend to see my brother graduate from college, we'll be going on vacation in August, and I'll probably head home for the holidays. They take periodic trips, either for fun or business, and sometimes that brings them close enough for a visit. But none of that really lets is get involved in each other's lives the way you're talking about.
Not only would she like to do those sorts of things for me and my sister, but we'd both really appreciate having her around. Right now I live by myself, so if I need to get my car worked on, I've got to either work with the dealer's shuttle schedule or rent a car, neither of which makes me happy. And I'm investigating elective surgery in the next few months and have no idea how I'm going to make that work. My sister has a roommate, so she's situated a little differently, but I know she runs into similar issues.
I'd also like to be able to do more for my parents. They just moved house, and I actually flew out there last fall to help them clean out their attic, as I was the only kid available, and they're starting to get to the point where crawling around in a tight space for more than a few minutes is more than just unpleasant. And there's no way someone who didn't have an intimate familiarity with the twenty-plus years of stuff they had up there was going to be able to help them sort it all out.* That was a really great time for us, and there would be more of those if I lived closer.
From my own experience, I think that if you both want this to happen--and talk to your kids to make sure you're on the same page--that it's going to be incumbent upon you to see that it does. Right now, I'm just not in a position where I can just leave the state to spend time with family because it's something I want to do. My job doesn't give me that kind of flexibility. Most young-ish adults' don't, and I'm sure yours didn't if you can look back thirty years or so. But my mom doesn't work, and my dad now gets six weeks of vacation a year, so they can make that sort of thing happen if they want to. And they do, which is nice. They helped me move into my apartment when I finished law school, and mom came out to help me look at condos last month. If you and your spouse have white-collar jobs--or even just a lot of seniority in a blue-collar one--then odds are pretty good that you'll be similarly situated.
I don't now how old your kids are, but if my experience--and my friend's experience--is anything to go by, they'll start to get more interested in the kind of ordinary stuff you're talking about rather than "running around," as you put it, in a minute here. Seriously, I'm to the point that if mom said she was coming over for the weekend, I'd ask if she objected to doing a deep cleaning of the apartment with me, 'cause I just don't have time right now. As your kids get a bit more settled, they'll appreciate that kind of thing more and more.
The cabin idea is a good one, but feel free to go for variations on a theme. My parents have taken to getting a condo on the beach for two weeks in August, inviting the kids to come down when we can. I was down for about four days last year and I'm taking a week down there this year. True, it isn't at home, mine or theirs, but everyone is basically staying put and living together, even if it's out of a suitcase, so a lot of the domestic-type things that form the glue of family life are still present, if you let them be. Planting a flag somewhere and inviting the kids to show up could work really well, and a lot of families I know are starting to do that. It costs money, to be sure, but it doesn't have to be hugely expensive, and if this isn't the sort of thing you're willing to save up for, what would be?
In any case, this is a relationship, and relationships take communication. If you think you're having a disconnect with your kids, the best thing to do is to talk about it with them. Be careful not to put a guilt trip on them, as a lot of people that move away from home will be dealing with that already and thus looking for it where it may not be. But offering to come out for a long weekend, even if they have to work, just so you can hang out is probably not going to be rejected.
I also found three boxes of books I thought I'd lost. Score!
posted by valkyryn at 6:27 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
(FWIW, I immediately understood what you meant by "our adult children." I think it's the right term for this.)
Hi, I'm about your kids age (maybe a little on the young side of the age range).
For one thing, your kids might appreciate the excuse to go do something fun. When someone visits me from out of town, it's a great chance to see that play that I've been putting off or visit the museum that I haven't seen in a year. And it's fun doing this kind of stuff with my parents, so I research fun things for us all to do just like I do when friends are coming to down. So they might be taking you to new places and running around to touristy spots as much for their enjoyment as for yours.
Also, they may feel the need to 'treat' you to a weekend off. At this point they've probably realized the hard work and personal sacrifice that you put in to raising them while they assumed the world revolved around them. Having realized the effort you put in, they want you to feel like you've done a good job and can finally relax. It's their way of saying "thanks, you done good, I'm independent like you wanted!" Helping to clean the dog bed made you feel involved and connected, but if you didn't tell them how it made you feel, they may have felt "I'm leaning on Mom again to do my laundry. When am I going to grow up? And how long until she tells me to grow up?" I don't think you made your kids feel like they have to "grow up" to the point where they don't lean on you, I just think it's a natural feeling to for kids to have once they grow up and realize everything their parents did.
I would tell your kids how you feel explicitly. Don't 100% reject the fun, running-around-town stuff, but just say "you know, I really enjoyed helping you get things cleaned up and take care of the dog bed. I like helping. Maybe for this next visit, we can spend one day just putzing around the house together and then relax at home in the evening?" Let them schedule some of the dessert-y fun stuff, but ask explicitly for a little time to do the helpful stuff that makes you feel connected. And it sounds like you're being sensitive to their need for independence and their need for a weekend of fun, so as you start asking for more "main course" activities remain sensitive that they may want to handle these tasks themselves, or that they're looking for a break from those activities.
Finally, here's something that my parents do to remain involved and connected in day-to-day stuff: they make trips to see us with the explicit purpose of helping out. It's easier for my mother to do since she's retired, but every couple of months she volunteers to visit my sister for 2-3 weeks to help watch my new nephew. She doesn't "come visit," she asks if she can "come help with the baby." Sometimes it's a good time for that, and sometimes not, and so she visits when my sister says it's a good time. And when my father heard that I would be moving this summer, he immediately let me know which weekend he could spare to help me with the move. I was a little embarrassed to accept his help again, but that's how you do it - find a need to fill, and be flexible about how you help your kids fill that need. Depending on your career you may not have that level of flexibility, but if you can volunteer to help when help is needed that will go a long way towards allowing you to be involved in a real way.
Just an aside: I feel a little funny typing this up, because to me it reads as "Want to be involved? Keep sacrificing like you did when the kids were growing up!" Frankly, it feels a little selfish. So be aware that your kids may also feel hesitant to accept this help at first.
posted by Tehhund at 6:29 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm about your kids age (maybe a little on the young side of the age range).
For one thing, your kids might appreciate the excuse to go do something fun. When someone visits me from out of town, it's a great chance to see that play that I've been putting off or visit the museum that I haven't seen in a year. And it's fun doing this kind of stuff with my parents, so I research fun things for us all to do just like I do when friends are coming to down. So they might be taking you to new places and running around to touristy spots as much for their enjoyment as for yours.
Also, they may feel the need to 'treat' you to a weekend off. At this point they've probably realized the hard work and personal sacrifice that you put in to raising them while they assumed the world revolved around them. Having realized the effort you put in, they want you to feel like you've done a good job and can finally relax. It's their way of saying "thanks, you done good, I'm independent like you wanted!" Helping to clean the dog bed made you feel involved and connected, but if you didn't tell them how it made you feel, they may have felt "I'm leaning on Mom again to do my laundry. When am I going to grow up? And how long until she tells me to grow up?" I don't think you made your kids feel like they have to "grow up" to the point where they don't lean on you, I just think it's a natural feeling to for kids to have once they grow up and realize everything their parents did.
I would tell your kids how you feel explicitly. Don't 100% reject the fun, running-around-town stuff, but just say "you know, I really enjoyed helping you get things cleaned up and take care of the dog bed. I like helping. Maybe for this next visit, we can spend one day just putzing around the house together and then relax at home in the evening?" Let them schedule some of the dessert-y fun stuff, but ask explicitly for a little time to do the helpful stuff that makes you feel connected. And it sounds like you're being sensitive to their need for independence and their need for a weekend of fun, so as you start asking for more "main course" activities remain sensitive that they may want to handle these tasks themselves, or that they're looking for a break from those activities.
Finally, here's something that my parents do to remain involved and connected in day-to-day stuff: they make trips to see us with the explicit purpose of helping out. It's easier for my mother to do since she's retired, but every couple of months she volunteers to visit my sister for 2-3 weeks to help watch my new nephew. She doesn't "come visit," she asks if she can "come help with the baby." Sometimes it's a good time for that, and sometimes not, and so she visits when my sister says it's a good time. And when my father heard that I would be moving this summer, he immediately let me know which weekend he could spare to help me with the move. I was a little embarrassed to accept his help again, but that's how you do it - find a need to fill, and be flexible about how you help your kids fill that need. Depending on your career you may not have that level of flexibility, but if you can volunteer to help when help is needed that will go a long way towards allowing you to be involved in a real way.
Just an aside: I feel a little funny typing this up, because to me it reads as "Want to be involved? Keep sacrificing like you did when the kids were growing up!" Frankly, it feels a little selfish. So be aware that your kids may also feel hesitant to accept this help at first.
posted by Tehhund at 6:29 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I feel a little funny typing this up, because to me it reads as "Want to be involved? Keep sacrificing like you did when the kids were growing up!" Frankly, it feels a little selfish. So be aware that your kids may also feel hesitant to accept this help at first.
I had similar feelings, but in talking with my parents, I think it's really a time of life sort of thing. Soon enough, the tables will turn, and you'll need more help from them than they do from you. Establishing this sort of relationship now will make that time easier for everyone, if you let it. Also, your kids will hopefully be inspired by your example to do the same thing for your grandchildren, which is also no bad thing.
Really though, I don't think the sacrificing part ever goes away where kids are involved. It's kind of what you sign up for. And, I'm told, it's one of the most rewarding things you can do. I've yet to have met someone who describes spending time with their grandkids as a "sacrifice" anyway.
posted by valkyryn at 6:34 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had similar feelings, but in talking with my parents, I think it's really a time of life sort of thing. Soon enough, the tables will turn, and you'll need more help from them than they do from you. Establishing this sort of relationship now will make that time easier for everyone, if you let it. Also, your kids will hopefully be inspired by your example to do the same thing for your grandchildren, which is also no bad thing.
Really though, I don't think the sacrificing part ever goes away where kids are involved. It's kind of what you sign up for. And, I'm told, it's one of the most rewarding things you can do. I've yet to have met someone who describes spending time with their grandkids as a "sacrifice" anyway.
posted by valkyryn at 6:34 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just wanted to pop in and say that you sound like a lovely parent. I would be so touched if my mom said to me, "Honey, I am happier just running errands and fixing a simple lunch at home with you, rather than going to all the sites and eating fancy meals. I just want to spend time with you doing ordinary things." I think that is very meaningful, and I would encourage you to say it directly.
posted by Bebo at 6:37 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Bebo at 6:37 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]
My family stumbled on a solution that works well for us. We do destination holidays. We found that the traditional holiday get togethers always had who ever was hosting runnning ragged, and there was a strange tendency to fall into "roles"- the adult kids hanging out while the parents did all the work. Also, as "kid" visiting my parents in my hometown, there were always a million family or childhood friends that we needed to see while I was there.
Now we rent houses or cabins in convenient and affordable places but interesting locales. Each night a different person or couple is responsible for dinner. And everyone comes and goes as they please (although since there are generally a limited number of cars, it's usually groups of people). We've done Thanksgiving and Easter in different TN state parks, and we just had an amazing Christmas in a beach house outside of Charleston. We play games, take walks, and we do some touristing and shopping depending on where we are. No grandkids in the mix yet, and it varies who is there with or without spouses. But it works for us.
posted by kimdog at 6:44 AM on May 11, 2011
Now we rent houses or cabins in convenient and affordable places but interesting locales. Each night a different person or couple is responsible for dinner. And everyone comes and goes as they please (although since there are generally a limited number of cars, it's usually groups of people). We've done Thanksgiving and Easter in different TN state parks, and we just had an amazing Christmas in a beach house outside of Charleston. We play games, take walks, and we do some touristing and shopping depending on where we are. No grandkids in the mix yet, and it varies who is there with or without spouses. But it works for us.
posted by kimdog at 6:44 AM on May 11, 2011
You sound like a wonderful parent! This is such a great question and something I'm struggling with from the other end. My husband, two-year-old and I live on the East Coast, with both of our families far away. My two sisters also live on the East and West coasts, respectively, making us all a plane ride away. We have visits from all of them or go to visit several times a year, but I agree that it's not quite the same as just regular time spent together when we did live closer. There are times I would love to have the support of having someone I could call for help, like when my husband will be out of town for a week this summer and day care will also be closed. I know that they would love to spend time helping too.
I would start out by just sharing this lovely question with your faraways (I love that term!). I'm sure they want to do things to make your visit enjoyable and that is what is pushing it to the parents' weekend feel when you do get to visit. If you let them know that quiet time is enjoyable, I'm sure they would love to make that happen. I'd really enjoy spending quiet time at home with my family if they asked.
We've found that Skype or other video chat services have gone a long way to let us "see" the more mundane stuff in our day-to-day lives. My son's grandparents regularly join us to "play," to look at what we planted in the garden, give us input on paint colors and sometimes join us for meals.
We've also started to do the family vacation together with everyone getting a house together someplace. You can have the day-to-day interaction of meals, bedtimes, etc. without the pressure of feeling like you are "hosting."
Thank you for a lovely question. It's got me thinking about how to adjust some things in our own visits with our parents.
posted by goggie at 7:05 AM on May 11, 2011
I would start out by just sharing this lovely question with your faraways (I love that term!). I'm sure they want to do things to make your visit enjoyable and that is what is pushing it to the parents' weekend feel when you do get to visit. If you let them know that quiet time is enjoyable, I'm sure they would love to make that happen. I'd really enjoy spending quiet time at home with my family if they asked.
We've found that Skype or other video chat services have gone a long way to let us "see" the more mundane stuff in our day-to-day lives. My son's grandparents regularly join us to "play," to look at what we planted in the garden, give us input on paint colors and sometimes join us for meals.
We've also started to do the family vacation together with everyone getting a house together someplace. You can have the day-to-day interaction of meals, bedtimes, etc. without the pressure of feeling like you are "hosting."
Thank you for a lovely question. It's got me thinking about how to adjust some things in our own visits with our parents.
posted by goggie at 7:05 AM on May 11, 2011
I am a 20-something "adult child" who lives far from home. When parents visit, I love doing fun things with them, both because it's nice for me to get out of my routine, and also, I think maybe subconsciously I want to show my parents that I'm a grownup and I live in a cool place, and can take them out to do fun stuff. Also I think it's nice for my parents to do fun stuff on their "vacation."
I think the destination vacation or cabin idea is a good one.
I might be in the minority for saying this, but I don't want my parents to come and just putz around the house "helping" me with stuff. It makes me feel like a child again, and inevitable it leads to annoyances and fights. If we go someplace neutral to relax, it's different.
posted by katypickle at 7:06 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think the destination vacation or cabin idea is a good one.
I might be in the minority for saying this, but I don't want my parents to come and just putz around the house "helping" me with stuff. It makes me feel like a child again, and inevitable it leads to annoyances and fights. If we go someplace neutral to relax, it's different.
posted by katypickle at 7:06 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
I came in here to second what Bebo said. Just tell them directly.
I'm about your children's age, and we (my husband and I) live about 500 miles from my parents, and even farther from his parents. We fall prey to the "entertaining" mode as well. I always feel so grateful but at the same time a bit guilty that my parents have taken the time to come visit (8 hrs in the car), that I think I need to treat them really well once they get here and make it like a vacation. We try to schedule lots to do, when really, now that I read your question, maybe that's not what they want at all. So, just tell them. If my mom said this to me, that all she wanted to do was go grocery shopping with me and then run errands, etc, etc, I'd be thrilled and very much relieved that I didn't have to jam-pack our time together with FUN FUN FUN.
posted by elisebeth at 7:09 AM on May 11, 2011
I'm about your children's age, and we (my husband and I) live about 500 miles from my parents, and even farther from his parents. We fall prey to the "entertaining" mode as well. I always feel so grateful but at the same time a bit guilty that my parents have taken the time to come visit (8 hrs in the car), that I think I need to treat them really well once they get here and make it like a vacation. We try to schedule lots to do, when really, now that I read your question, maybe that's not what they want at all. So, just tell them. If my mom said this to me, that all she wanted to do was go grocery shopping with me and then run errands, etc, etc, I'd be thrilled and very much relieved that I didn't have to jam-pack our time together with FUN FUN FUN.
posted by elisebeth at 7:09 AM on May 11, 2011
I think this is a fundamental issue of hosting. When you go to visit your kids, they want to do a good job of hosting you and their way of doing this is to arrange to entertain you. Which is fine but it isn't the only way of visiting. When I go home my parents do not host me because I am not a guest. It is my home even though I do not live there, and we do normal home things. We do absolutely nothing special except maybe go to the symphony or theatre one night. We read papers. We drink coffee. We grocery shop. We cook dinner. We do laundry and clean toilets and take the dog to the vet.
When they visit me, however, they are guests because this is not their home. The dynamic is fundamentally different. I want them to know the place I live so we take them places. It is about 1000% more stressful than when I go home to visit and I don't think any of us really enjoy it as much. It works much better if they come here and then we all fuck off to a hotel or a house or something. The footing is much more equal in some way - we are all guests and there are no hosts and it works so much better.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:21 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
When they visit me, however, they are guests because this is not their home. The dynamic is fundamentally different. I want them to know the place I live so we take them places. It is about 1000% more stressful than when I go home to visit and I don't think any of us really enjoy it as much. It works much better if they come here and then we all fuck off to a hotel or a house or something. The footing is much more equal in some way - we are all guests and there are no hosts and it works so much better.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:21 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm a bit confused by this. Mostly because my mother and I do what we always do on long-distance visits, which is either staying in and sharing our favorite TV shows (lately, Doctor Who and Being Human), or, alternatively, we go hang out at the mall. Very low-key, quality time stuff. However, I'm a pretty independent person. I guess I really don't want my parent-types doing errands for me? My instinctive reaction is, "I'm a grown-up. I can handle it. If I can't, I'll ask for help."
I think respecting the fact that your relationships with your kids are individually different and also different at different stages of life might help. They probably enjoy showing you that they're independent grown-ups at this stage. I say, let them. If you're just aching for more quality time, though, then consider long weekend visits with individual kids (perhaps even sans spouses) so that you guys can just chill together.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:52 AM on May 11, 2011
I think respecting the fact that your relationships with your kids are individually different and also different at different stages of life might help. They probably enjoy showing you that they're independent grown-ups at this stage. I say, let them. If you're just aching for more quality time, though, then consider long weekend visits with individual kids (perhaps even sans spouses) so that you guys can just chill together.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:52 AM on May 11, 2011
"At this point [the adult kids] have probably realized the hard work and personal sacrifice that you put in to raising them while they assumed the world revolved around them. Having realized the effort you put in, they want you to feel like you've done a good job and can finally relax."
Lord, yes.
I don't want to "burden" my parents with watching my kids -- but I hear them saying how much they want to be with the kids, since the visit is only a week or two. So we all kind of hang out in my parents' giant kitchen. I buy dinner or go to the store, but we also just open the fridge and eat what we find. (See? you CAN go home again!) Heck, we even plan to do laundry now when we're there: luggage for six people for two weeks is a pretty steep baggae fee these days.
In the mean time I call them each week, and my siblings every week or two. I email a lot, I send pictures in email, and we are getting the nieces & nephs set up with Skype/iChat. (We'll have my parents' netbook set up Real Soon Now, since they finally got broadband.)
posted by wenestvedt at 9:05 AM on May 11, 2011
Lord, yes.
I don't want to "burden" my parents with watching my kids -- but I hear them saying how much they want to be with the kids, since the visit is only a week or two. So we all kind of hang out in my parents' giant kitchen. I buy dinner or go to the store, but we also just open the fridge and eat what we find. (See? you CAN go home again!) Heck, we even plan to do laundry now when we're there: luggage for six people for two weeks is a pretty steep baggae fee these days.
In the mean time I call them each week, and my siblings every week or two. I email a lot, I send pictures in email, and we are getting the nieces & nephs set up with Skype/iChat. (We'll have my parents' netbook set up Real Soon Now, since they finally got broadband.)
posted by wenestvedt at 9:05 AM on May 11, 2011
Just tell them what you told us - you may find that they have a few things they would actually appreciate help with but don't want to mention them because they feel they shouldn't 'make you work' on your visit but spend fun time with you....I certainly wouldn't ask for help with a few DIY projects from visiting family but if my uncle said would you like a hand with (obious project in progress) I'd be very chuffed (and would feel a bit guilty about making him work on his break).
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:13 AM on May 11, 2011
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:13 AM on May 11, 2011
What an interesting bit of insight you have given me. My husband and I definitely used to do the "adult Parents' Weekend" thing. We would take our parents out to restaurants, to nearby resort towns, etc. We thought they wanted to do those things. (And, in my defense, I do have one parent who gets antsy if she's not out doing something.) But now that I read your question, I am thinking about whether all the parents really want to do lots of sightseeing or not.
So I said "used to." What changed? Well, we had kids. It really, really decreased our ability to go to restaurants. Not to mention driving anywhere more than 15 minutes away. Babies and young children are not easy to sightsee with. We spend lots more time at home now during our parents' visits. In fact, we just had such a visit, and my husband was freaking out the whole time that we were boring his parents. I can't wait to share your question with him.
And yes, do let your faraways know that you don't mind doing everyday things with them. It might be that they are worried whether you are having enough fun, especially since you paid $$ to come out and they think you want it to be like a vacation. Or maybe they just want to impress you with how grown up they are, how lovely their city is, and how they can show you a good time.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:09 AM on May 11, 2011
So I said "used to." What changed? Well, we had kids. It really, really decreased our ability to go to restaurants. Not to mention driving anywhere more than 15 minutes away. Babies and young children are not easy to sightsee with. We spend lots more time at home now during our parents' visits. In fact, we just had such a visit, and my husband was freaking out the whole time that we were boring his parents. I can't wait to share your question with him.
And yes, do let your faraways know that you don't mind doing everyday things with them. It might be that they are worried whether you are having enough fun, especially since you paid $$ to come out and they think you want it to be like a vacation. Or maybe they just want to impress you with how grown up they are, how lovely their city is, and how they can show you a good time.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:09 AM on May 11, 2011
I agree with Knowyournuts, this is so interesting! I am your kid (well, my mom is not on metafilter, but you know what I mean). My parents just came to visit and I was quite anxious about showing them around town, picking out the best museum exhibits to take them to, choosing good restaurants for them, etc etc. I like to show them that I live in a neat city, and I thought they would like the chance to do [thing they can't do in their more rural area]. It just never even occurred to me to do otherwise. So maybe you should just talk to your kids about it? I'd be totally happy to sit around drinking coffee and maybe going for a nice long walk with my parents when they're visiting (that's what we do when I visit them), if they told me that's what they wanted. Part of the thing about hosting is trying to show your guest a good time--so maybe you just need to talk to them about what you think would be a good time? Or split the difference and go for a balance of one day of house stuff and one day of tourist stuff? I'd bet your kids are thinking "ugh, Mom and Dad want a vacation! They don't want to go hang out at the laundromat, that's boring! They've done enough of that! What fun stuff can I show them?"
posted by min at 5:33 PM on May 11, 2011
posted by min at 5:33 PM on May 11, 2011
Response by poster: So many great answers, I can't pick a best one. Thank you to all the faraway adult children who responded to my question. Keep in mind that an ordinary day in your current life is something we faraway parents don't have anymore and can be a beautiful gift to us when we visit. To quote Emily in Our Town: Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?
posted by Elsie at 4:25 AM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 4:25 AM on May 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
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