How do I introvert?

May 24, 2019 8:37 AM

I'm an introvert (yeah, I know, join the club). I often feel guilty about being an introvert, so I act in ways contrary to my nature, thus making me, not to mention people around me, unhappy (but, frankly, mostly me). How can I honor my own nature in the way most likely to take everyone's needs into account? (Apologies in advance for the length.)

This question was actually precipitated by something specific. I was at a music festival last weekend from Friday to Sunday. I deliberately got my own hotel room rather than staying at an AirBnB with some of my friends because I knew I would be driven batshit crazy if I didn't get some time alone. So far so good. Everything was fine on Friday and we all had a great time.

So on Saturday, I was spending some time alone in the morning and afternoon before the doors at the venue opened. I'll cut to the chase so as not to drag this out interminably: although I had really wanted to spend most of the day alone, I wound up spending the entire day and evening before the show with a friend of mine (who I love! she didn't do anything wrong!) who is, to put it mildly, gregarious. Like, the type who will walk into a bar and make friends with every single person sitting around her. Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that it wound up being extremely overwhelming, and by the end of the night, I finally told her that I needed to go and walked back to the hotel sobbing. Luckily I was in a city so no one took much notice, but still. It took me literally a couple of days to calm down. (I'll just note this isn't actually normal for me, but I stupidly took psychedelics before the show. Yeah, I know, I know.)

I did a lot of thinking about this, and realized what had gone wrong: I hate disappointing people. Hate. Deep hatred. So rather than tell my friend, "Listen, I think I'm going to just go back to the hotel and take a nap for a couple of hours, I'll see you at the venue," I hung out with her and a bunch of people I didn't know because I was afraid she'd be insulted or angry if I told her I would catch her later. For that reason, by the time the venue opened, I was already completely drained.

So the question I'm getting to in a roundabout way is: how can I reframe this situation for myself so that I don't feel guilty or ambivalent about saying to people, "Hey, you know, nothing to do with you at all, but I'm going to have to leave you here so I can be up for seeing you later." Honestly, although I think people are generally aware that introverts like me exist, I still think they take it personally when we, well, just don't want to be around other people, including them.

I'll also say I kind of loathe the way that many introverts are portray themselves as very special, delicate flowers, see e.g., this comic (yeah, that's right, being an introvert is exactly like walking around in a fucking hamster ball, great way to make us look like freaks, genius) so I'd rather not use that frame of reference.

posted by O Sock My Sock to Human Relations (15 answers total)

I try to be proactive about saying what I need, and I don't mind the odd lie to make it come good. In your situation I might have said I'd planned to meet another friend who prefers one-on-one time or I'd booked myself a ticket to an art gallery private viewing or somesuch, whatever works for you. And don't apologise!
posted by london explorer girl at 8:43 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Hello, fellow introvert! I'm currently 2/3rds of the way through the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain, on the recommendation of an introvert friend. (I got it from the library.) There's some really eye-opening sociological, biological, and psychological background in there, as well as a variety of strategy models that you might find useful.

The first chapter, about how extroversion became the personality ideal in the United States, enraged me thoroughly (but in a good way).
posted by heatherlogan at 8:45 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I still think they take it personally . . .

I used to worry about this a lot too. But honestly, it just hasn't ever happened when I tell my extroverted friends I need a little quiet time. Since your extroverted friend had a bunch of other people to hang out with, I think she especially wouldn't have minded.
posted by Mouse Army at 8:47 AM on May 24, 2019

It goes much more smoothly when you don’t refer specially to introversion or a desire not to hang out with people. I usually just say “I’m kind of wiped out, so I’m going to rest for a bit and I’ll meet up with you at X time.” Imagine if you and your friend were hanging out at your hotel quietly reading books and she said—“hey, I’m getting cabin fever! I’m going to explore and find a bar!” Would you be pissed? Whereas her saying something like “Ah my extroversion!! No offense to you, it’s not that I’m not enjoying your company, I just need to get out of here” just seems less diplomatic somehow.

There is no need to apologize and no need to sort of build a dam against guilt because that just draws more attention to the situation, when having limited bandwidth for socializing is a normal trait.

In this specific case though, I think the psychedelics had WAY more to do with your issue than introversion. If you’re an introvert and want to be able to slip away smoothly from a social situation I maybe wouldn’t mix that with psychedelics, especially in a strange place.
posted by sallybrown at 8:48 AM on May 24, 2019 [47 favorites]

I’m extremely extroverted and love spending my time with other people. That being said, it’s not particularly fun for me if I can see that people aren’t enjoying themselves, are overwhelmed or just generally don’t want to or can’t be there any longer.

I think you need to reframe it from disappointing people by not being there to realizing that you’re not doing them any favors by staying when it’s not good for you. And clearly this friend would have found company no matter who they were around.
posted by raccoon409 at 8:54 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Instead of beating yourself up I'd just look at this incident as a lesson learned and keep it in mind for when you see something like this shaping up in the future. Am I tired, hung over, and already pretty drained? If so then I better take it easy because now I know the consequences. You didn't do anything wrong. All you did was push yourself outside your comfort zone, and that's what we're supposed to be doing. Now you know that heading in that direction out of your comfort zone isn't very nice. Now you'll be better prepared next time.
posted by bleep at 9:00 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

The biggest change I made in my life was allowing myself to assertively express my needs on the topic of will I/won't I do something. I can even say, "I'd love to go, but I have a long week and I'll have to see. If that doesn't work, let me know."

What this did was 1.) Eliminate all the worry I'd do before the event which in turn exhausted me 2.) This exhaustion and dread would mean I either cancelled and felt awful or I went and … it was usually fine. But the dread remained.

People respect clear communication (or they're not worth your time). I had your exact same problem. It's okay, you can allow yourself to be who you are. There's no need for the angst and dread and you're not breaking societal norms/taboos.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:04 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Contrary to some of the advice, some friend groups I'm in routinely invoke introversion to opt out of plans. "I'm going to go introvert for a while" is sometime I've heard and used and the boundary is respected. I don't know if it's that the groups are particularly understanding/full of introverts or if the shorthand is easy to grok without further explanations, but it works.

I was afraid she'd be insulted or angry if I told her I would catch her later
As a person with social anxiety, I completely relate to this type of worry. I am working on reminding myself that grownups can grownup and deal with their emotions. And that I want to surround myself with people who don't dump their emotions all over me. If they're disappointed that I'm not around, that's okay. What they do with that disappointment is the important part. Someone who goes 'Okay, cool, catch you later!' or "That's too bad. Another time, then!" is the kind of person I want to be around. Someone who tells me I'm a partypooper or tries to shame me for leaving things early is not the kind of person I want to cultivate.

Which means I'm working on:
1. setting good boundaries for myself and my self care
2. not managing other people's emotions around those boundaries (this includes acknowledging my anxious thoughts and then trying to let them go)
3. cultivating friendships with people who respect those boundaries
4. mirroring the behavior I want to see in those friends. Recent example: I was in the middle of working out where to meet a friend for dinner by text when they cancelled on me because of some self-care needs they had. I was kind of annoyed in the moment, but sent them a message that was like 'sorry you're dealing with XX. Do what you need to take care of yourself. We'll make plans for another time. *hugs*' Because grownups deal with their emotions! And, of course, my annoyance faded quickly and I was much happier making plans with that friend when they were up for hanging out.

Ideally your friends are the sort of people who would want you to be happy and enjoy the company/event/situation and would understand if you bow out.
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

You could think of it this way: the only way you'll get your need for alone time met is to, well, go be alone for a bit! But your friend has other opportunities to get her need for socialization met. She's good at meeting people and it sounds like it wasn't just the two of you--she had others to hang out with even if you'd gone back to the hotel. You are not going to leave people in the lurch if you let them know ahead of time that you can't be with them, or if you turn down a spontaneous offer to hang out.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:26 AM on May 24, 2019

I'm extremely introverted and I don't think the approach of thinking of us as some kind of marginalized population is all that sensible.

You wouldn't have a problem leaving early if a work commitment meant you had to get up early, would you? Think of it the same way. Don't make elaborate explanations, don't turn it into some weird disquisition on your inherent nature. "Welp, I'm taking off now. Great seeing you guys!" is the tone you should be aiming for.

You do want to watch the interaction with the social anxiety. Sometimes my brain is telling me to bow out/decline an invitation because it's exhausted of people, sometimes it's just being cowardly about dealing with people. In the first instance, it's right not to go. In the second, it's life-limiting. Just something to think about.

And common sense with the drugs, okay? If you can't figure out how to combine them with your personal brain issues, you need to cut it out.
posted by praemunire at 11:03 AM on May 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

I'm an ambivert/extrovert and I have no trouble if my friends need to introvert (or rest, have a nap, bathe their feet, whatever. Everyone has different needs.) I think that feeling of disappointment/shame might pertain to your group of friends but more likely is kind of a set of left over feelings from high school or university where young humans are learning the ways of the tribe and more prone to feeling slighted. In other words, most fully functional grown ups can handle it if someone wants to go have a nap/chill out for a few hours or a day.

Anyways you asked how to deal with your shame and feelings of disappointment. These are just feelings. They pass. I would expect them to last a few minutes and then you'd probably feel relief or rest in your room/doing your own thing and get your energy back. If they are sticking around I would gently suggest that you may have inflated your own importance a little bit...I kind of doubt your friend was going to spend several hours feeling bad that you went back to your hotel room for the mental equivalent of a nap.

I mean, I'd expect your friend to have a brief feeling like 'oh, wish my friend could stay' and then that too would pass and they would get on with extroverting.

When you all get back together and show joy in each other's company again, everyone wins.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:01 PM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think that the thing that has worked for me the best honestly is just deciding that asserting my own boundaries around my time is not only okay, but preferable to everyone, because then when I do decide that I want to be social and see people, I am happy to do it and feel really good about it.

I have gotten really good at saying things like:

"Sorry I don't hang out on weeknights before I have to go to work the next day"
"I need some quiet downtime"
[if I do go to a hangout and get overwhelmed] "Hey this was really fun, I'm going to take off so I can get some quiet time in before bed/concert/dinner tonight/etc"

I also do try to sort of let people know ahead of time that I am a person who needs quiet time and alone time, so that it isn't surprising or makes them feel like they did something wrong, so I say things like:

"Oh yeah, I'm just a person who needs a lot of alone time to work on my own little projects"
"I use alone time to reset my brain"
"Sometimes I just get really people'd out and need to relax alone"
"Alone time is super important to me"

Also, it is not your problem if your friends can't cope with your need to be alone! You still get to assert your boundary and have that time anyway, because you know what's best for you.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 12:09 PM on May 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

I think being proactive can be really helpful here, whether in advance of the weekend or even at the beginning of the day: "Hey friend, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm going to need to head back to my room for a bit at some point before the show starts to nap/re-charge/get my energy up for the evening."

Then, when you're going, you can just tap her on the shoulder with a friendly, "I'm heading out and we'll catch up later!"
posted by bluedaisy at 12:12 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

You've got some great answers here, especially from sallybrown, so I'm just going to add a couple of tips that work for my introverted friends in dealing with me (major extrovert).

1) Have a real conversation--not at a time when you're trying to get alone time--about introversion with them. I mean, they will have heard of it and understand it, but having it be explicit means that you can *feel* more confident in their understanding in the moment when you say "I'm wiped, I'm going to head back to rest." Also, we have an explicit agreement about bailing on things that means I get to bail if I don't feel up to it, too, which is a nice out to have, even for us social types.

2) Conversely, I agree that saying "I need to be alone" can be hurtful even if I get it. My friend calls it "cocooning," which feels better to me--"I'm staying home and doing nothing" feels less personal than "I do not want to be near people including you." But if you need rest, are tired, etc. I am endlessly sympathetic.

3) And finally, try to have a clear idea of things that are specifically important to your particular friends. Try harder not to miss birthdays, events your friends are nervous about going to alone, or a day when they're specifically feeling low and needing cheering up. Sometimes you'll still have to bail on these things, but if you try hard to prioritize the important stuff, it doesn't feel as personal when you bail on the trivial stuff.

The latter suggestion is mostly meant as a way for you to feel okay with asking for your needs, which maybe you will if you can be confident that you're doing your best with other people's feelings.
posted by gideonfrog at 1:01 PM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Folks have already said a few things I would say: manage expectations, frame it as a need to recharge and not "don't want to be around people," and do your best to be with people when it matters so they won't mind if you miss some general hang time in favor of recharging and cocooning.

If you do it right, and you have good friends, they may even take it into consideration when forming plans / inviting you to things. "O Sock, we're having a big BBQ on Friday from six to midnight. You don't have to be there the entire time, but we'd love it if you can be there when we have dinner around seven."

One thing I'd like to point out - you may be placing a lot more expectations on yourself than your friends do.

I did a lot of thinking about this, and realized what had gone wrong: I hate disappointing people. Hate. Deep hatred.

Are you sure they're even that disappointed, if they understand why you might want to step out for a bit to recharge? If you set expectations and make an effort to be around when it really matters, they are likely not to be disappointed.

One thing to work on, maybe, is to accept your own limitations and not feel disappointed in yourself. It took me a long time to realize my own patterns and, and then some more to adapt and have workable strategies for socializing and maintaining friendships. Most people are their own worst critics, after all.
posted by jzb at 2:18 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]