Where to go for support?
May 17, 2019 4:01 PM Subscribe
Pretty simple question: where do you go for support when you are feeling low or in need of some?
Friends, mostly. Therapist sometimes. My dog, often.
posted by frumiousb at 4:54 PM on May 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by frumiousb at 4:54 PM on May 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
1. spouse is #1.
2. back when G+ was alive, I had a trusted set of friends from the tabletop RPG scene I could lean on during trying times. G+'s collections and circling features really facilitated this; I could narrowcast the calls for help to a chosen, consistent set of my contacts there and they could opt out at any time if they didn't have the bandwidth to respond. I wasn't an innovator at this -- support collections were kind of a known thing there and I participated in a few as a supporter.
I miss G+ so much, especially since my life got bad-interesting again immediately after G+ was shuttered.
3. Therapist during really trying times; the threshold there is "can't function without support."
posted by Sauce Trough at 4:56 PM on May 17, 2019
2. back when G+ was alive, I had a trusted set of friends from the tabletop RPG scene I could lean on during trying times. G+'s collections and circling features really facilitated this; I could narrowcast the calls for help to a chosen, consistent set of my contacts there and they could opt out at any time if they didn't have the bandwidth to respond. I wasn't an innovator at this -- support collections were kind of a known thing there and I participated in a few as a supporter.
I miss G+ so much, especially since my life got bad-interesting again immediately after G+ was shuttered.
3. Therapist during really trying times; the threshold there is "can't function without support."
posted by Sauce Trough at 4:56 PM on May 17, 2019
Friends, therapist, sibling, and here.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:34 PM on May 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:34 PM on May 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Books.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 5:59 PM on May 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by whimsicalnymph at 5:59 PM on May 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
Different people are good for support in different situations (some are better for work motivation, others for dating stuff, etc), but my dog is there for me always. As is the option of opening up a new book.
posted by sallybrown at 6:17 PM on May 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 6:17 PM on May 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
1. Girlfriends; 2. Spouse; 3. Therapist; 4. The internet
posted by katypickle at 6:18 PM on May 17, 2019
posted by katypickle at 6:18 PM on May 17, 2019
There is no one I can go to really, so I go to places where I can get pseudo support, and work on structuring some support for myself. It's actually important that I don't approach the people I live with or that I know because when I have in the past it has stressed the relationships and made me sad that instead of me getting support I made them overwhelmed and anxious.
Pseudo support includes things like researching on line about the issue troubling me. I can read the on line support being granted to other people and share the affection and concern vicariously, or get advice. I don't find joining on line support groups works because they are clique-y and I don't fit in well in most places. It's not worth joining a cancer forum, for example, because they have an argot that I'd have to learn and adapt to, and I might well run into social expectations that dismay me, such as that I share religious customs with the other people in the forum.
But if I look at a couple of forums that have different cultural expectations from each other and also research historically how other people dealt with the issue troubling me I get more of a feeling of connection, and perspective. Reading about breast cancer experiences in history as well as the breast cancer experiences of evangelical American Christians, and the experiences of the medical personnel who treat cancer - not their advice, their perspective- provides me with a good base for looking at my situation and not just ruminating.
I find getting factual information to be the first foundation for dealing with things that challenge me. I want to know as much as I can. I want to know where the fuzzy boundaries are, the place where you say, "Well it's like this for some people but for other people it isn't, it's like that for them instead." And then I can compare what's going on with that and I can work out what it's like for me. I like to figure out two or more different and opposing experiences that other people had so if my experience doesn't match anyone's very well I don't have the sensation that I am doing it wrong.
And then I set up some self care structure that I can do by myself. I have some things I can do to temporarily distract myself if I am having an emotional meltdown, easy exciting books that will make me laugh or make me afraid of the monsters, or make me angry and defiant, and this will change the mood I am in just enough so that I can steer it rather than being out of control. I don't want to change my mood - say I am grieving. But I want to be able to control the flow of it, so that I am not rendered non-functional by it. It's kind of like swimming underwater. I want to be down there, in the mood and the situation, but I also need to come up to the surface for air. The books do that. They don't put me on dry land, but they bring me to the surface where I can take deep breaths and practice floating before I try diving again.
The basic self care tool in my kit is to imagine I was someone else providing support for myself - I pretend to be my own grandmother as well as being my own two-year-old self in need of help or my own lover or some compassionate stranger doing first aid. What would they do? I do that. I try to do different types of things. And I try to do the self care as I would for the person I was at different ages, self care for a sobbing mess of a toddler, for a grim, scared but capable pre-teen, for an out of control fearless teenager with such bad judgement that it's hard not to just laugh, for the woman I hope to become or am in the process of becoming, experienced, sensible, strong, vulnerable, rational and sensitive.
So the two-year old gets blankie, and the pre-teen gets reassurance and a commitment, and the teenager, gets admiration and affection. All of them get tangible support. My inner two year old literally gets something warm to drink and something to cuddle, my inner pre-teen literally gets, a pep talk and a game plan on how to cope, with what I will do and contingency plans if that doesn't work, and each of the other ego states I observe reacting to whatever it is, gets their own kind of affirmation and something suitable - I might sing to soothe myself, I might dig out something I already own and focus on it as if it were a brand new present - so using a package of coloured pencils, or digging that frozen duck out of the freezer and cooking it, or taking a walk in the park, or finding a private time and place for a crying jag. - That's all the kind of stuff I do.
It's important to work on the physiological things or practical things that you can do, because those are the ones that are easiest to structure and often are the fastest and most efficient way of getting yourself back into a good place. It is way easier to recover from being upset that someone got angry at you if you have had a good meal and a good night's sleep, than it is to recover while you are staying up hammering out shots in a flame war and it is now three AM and the last time you ate was lunch. If you look after the physiological stuff and give it a bit of time and you are still in need of support you'll at least know that this is a lasting situation, not just that you took your antidepressants a few hours late.
Even then practical solutions are often better than self analysis. If you are in a bad relationship, leaving it and not replacing it with another one equally bad will do more for your self esteem than staying in it while seeing a therapist. It seems to me that a lot of the time when I am unhappy or other people are unhappy it is because they are trying to do the impossible. I think people don't give up and try doing something completely different often enough.
Anything that is left after you have done everything practical or physical that you can do, might as well go through mental and emotional unpacking, as you might get some insight that gives you a practical solution. But even then sometimes you are what you are, and you can't erase past trauma, or change your personality.
I don't know of anybody who would actually want to do anything supportive for me specifically. There are a huge number of tremendous people who do things, like my in-laws volunteering to drive me to hospital appointments - but they don't do those things because I am me, they would equally do those things for anyone who fell into the correct category. My in-laws volunteered to do this because I am legally married to their brother and this is what you do for family. They would do the same for anyone he had married. They don't have an attachment to me, and would rather not have an attachment to me, even while they are great and generous people. They don't want anyone to suffer, and that includes me, but there is no one who would think, God, no, please no, not Jane.
Being emotionally and socially isolated like this is a funny thing. It comes across as pathetic. * sigh * There is a good side of it, in that I don't have to be distressed that what happens to me would distress anyone else. I'm kind of glad sometimes that there isn't anyone who would reflect back negative and painful things at me. I live with people who will look confused or laugh if they realise I am hurt, because they don't process empathy in an obvious way. That's not at all helpful for me, but at the same time I don't need to be concerned that they are sad because I am sad, and my being sad makes them sad - that kind of a recursive empathetic sinkhole would complicate life a lot. Empathy is tricky. If you've ever wondered, "Oh God, how am I going to tell my sisters!" when you have bad personal news you know what I mean.
There is a pretty deep strain of autism spectrum in my family. I have a daughter who out of the blue announced, "I'm glad you survived your surgery." So she must feel something, but it just delineates how badly we are connected because I've never had any difficult or dangerous surgery. I had surgery, but it was uncomplicated day surgery without any appreciable risk, and never even required post surgical pain killers. It was like she was talking about someone completely different she had gotten muddled with me. I think she probably said that because she felt uncomfortable that she had not been in touch with me at all during the couple of years when I had that surgery. But her guilt, if that is what motivated her to say that, is quite unfounded because if I had wanted to tell her about what was going on then, I could have. But I didn't want to be in touch with her during that time, because I thought I would probably have to provide her with support and reassurance and I was hoping to get away without having to. She provided me with more support by dropping out of touch than she could have provided by doing anything else.
Getting support requires some ability to absorb it as well as the ability to find and maintain relationships with people who provide it. If you can't self sooth no amount of support is going to help you. Paradoxically if you are too good at self soothing, having other people attempt to support you may only get in the way of your self-soothing efforts. In either case it's better to not try to elicit support from other people. If they can't help you because you can't restore your equilibrium, then at best you are wasting scarce resources, and at worst you are contagious, will make them upset too and may end up projecting that it is their fault you are upset and that they owe you to do something that can't be done. And in the other case there's just no need.
If you are in between - capable of some self soothing, but can do it sooner or more easily if other people show empathy to you, then gong to those people who can support you is a wonderful thing. It's very interesting to listen to the people who provide support and try to work out what they are doing and why. It can illustrate the love languages thing - some are present and listen and absorb, some offer information and analysis, others do the physiological thing by feeding or hugging you. Some show empathy by taking on your emotions, and validating yours by sharing them. Some are just practical. Have you ever had a family member who doesn't say much, but one day just walks in and hands you a solution? It's amazing how hard people try sometimes and how invested they are in each other, sometimes with people they barely interact with.
Even if you think you are in a situation, like the one I am describing as my own where you have no one you can go to for support, when someone doesn't appear to be willing to provide support, it often is that they would like to and don't have the means. One of those horrible awkward stiff hugs does not stimulate oxytocin production. If someone isn't offering hugs there's a good chance that they can't give one and they know it. And some people cannot do social analysis to save their life, or their marriage. You can't really tell what goes on inside someone who says they care but doesn't show it. You know exactly where you stand if they show you that they don't care. If they retaliate, or one up you, or do the thing you tell them that would make things worse, they are showing you that they don't care. If they are just passive or avoidant it doesn't tell you that they don't care, just that they can't help. It doesn't make them bad. Your dog is not going to provide you with a loan, and your mother is not going to console you with a good orgasm, and your two year old is not going to give you relationship advice. It's easy to understand that. But it's not as easy to understand if an adult who claims to love you won't stay in the room with you if you cry, or if the only answer you can get out of your romantic partner is "I don't know." If you want help badly enough, you can refuse to believe that the people you are asking for help might not have the capacity to give you the support you need.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:28 PM on May 17, 2019 [17 favorites]
Pseudo support includes things like researching on line about the issue troubling me. I can read the on line support being granted to other people and share the affection and concern vicariously, or get advice. I don't find joining on line support groups works because they are clique-y and I don't fit in well in most places. It's not worth joining a cancer forum, for example, because they have an argot that I'd have to learn and adapt to, and I might well run into social expectations that dismay me, such as that I share religious customs with the other people in the forum.
But if I look at a couple of forums that have different cultural expectations from each other and also research historically how other people dealt with the issue troubling me I get more of a feeling of connection, and perspective. Reading about breast cancer experiences in history as well as the breast cancer experiences of evangelical American Christians, and the experiences of the medical personnel who treat cancer - not their advice, their perspective- provides me with a good base for looking at my situation and not just ruminating.
I find getting factual information to be the first foundation for dealing with things that challenge me. I want to know as much as I can. I want to know where the fuzzy boundaries are, the place where you say, "Well it's like this for some people but for other people it isn't, it's like that for them instead." And then I can compare what's going on with that and I can work out what it's like for me. I like to figure out two or more different and opposing experiences that other people had so if my experience doesn't match anyone's very well I don't have the sensation that I am doing it wrong.
And then I set up some self care structure that I can do by myself. I have some things I can do to temporarily distract myself if I am having an emotional meltdown, easy exciting books that will make me laugh or make me afraid of the monsters, or make me angry and defiant, and this will change the mood I am in just enough so that I can steer it rather than being out of control. I don't want to change my mood - say I am grieving. But I want to be able to control the flow of it, so that I am not rendered non-functional by it. It's kind of like swimming underwater. I want to be down there, in the mood and the situation, but I also need to come up to the surface for air. The books do that. They don't put me on dry land, but they bring me to the surface where I can take deep breaths and practice floating before I try diving again.
The basic self care tool in my kit is to imagine I was someone else providing support for myself - I pretend to be my own grandmother as well as being my own two-year-old self in need of help or my own lover or some compassionate stranger doing first aid. What would they do? I do that. I try to do different types of things. And I try to do the self care as I would for the person I was at different ages, self care for a sobbing mess of a toddler, for a grim, scared but capable pre-teen, for an out of control fearless teenager with such bad judgement that it's hard not to just laugh, for the woman I hope to become or am in the process of becoming, experienced, sensible, strong, vulnerable, rational and sensitive.
So the two-year old gets blankie, and the pre-teen gets reassurance and a commitment, and the teenager, gets admiration and affection. All of them get tangible support. My inner two year old literally gets something warm to drink and something to cuddle, my inner pre-teen literally gets, a pep talk and a game plan on how to cope, with what I will do and contingency plans if that doesn't work, and each of the other ego states I observe reacting to whatever it is, gets their own kind of affirmation and something suitable - I might sing to soothe myself, I might dig out something I already own and focus on it as if it were a brand new present - so using a package of coloured pencils, or digging that frozen duck out of the freezer and cooking it, or taking a walk in the park, or finding a private time and place for a crying jag. - That's all the kind of stuff I do.
It's important to work on the physiological things or practical things that you can do, because those are the ones that are easiest to structure and often are the fastest and most efficient way of getting yourself back into a good place. It is way easier to recover from being upset that someone got angry at you if you have had a good meal and a good night's sleep, than it is to recover while you are staying up hammering out shots in a flame war and it is now three AM and the last time you ate was lunch. If you look after the physiological stuff and give it a bit of time and you are still in need of support you'll at least know that this is a lasting situation, not just that you took your antidepressants a few hours late.
Even then practical solutions are often better than self analysis. If you are in a bad relationship, leaving it and not replacing it with another one equally bad will do more for your self esteem than staying in it while seeing a therapist. It seems to me that a lot of the time when I am unhappy or other people are unhappy it is because they are trying to do the impossible. I think people don't give up and try doing something completely different often enough.
Anything that is left after you have done everything practical or physical that you can do, might as well go through mental and emotional unpacking, as you might get some insight that gives you a practical solution. But even then sometimes you are what you are, and you can't erase past trauma, or change your personality.
I don't know of anybody who would actually want to do anything supportive for me specifically. There are a huge number of tremendous people who do things, like my in-laws volunteering to drive me to hospital appointments - but they don't do those things because I am me, they would equally do those things for anyone who fell into the correct category. My in-laws volunteered to do this because I am legally married to their brother and this is what you do for family. They would do the same for anyone he had married. They don't have an attachment to me, and would rather not have an attachment to me, even while they are great and generous people. They don't want anyone to suffer, and that includes me, but there is no one who would think, God, no, please no, not Jane.
Being emotionally and socially isolated like this is a funny thing. It comes across as pathetic. * sigh * There is a good side of it, in that I don't have to be distressed that what happens to me would distress anyone else. I'm kind of glad sometimes that there isn't anyone who would reflect back negative and painful things at me. I live with people who will look confused or laugh if they realise I am hurt, because they don't process empathy in an obvious way. That's not at all helpful for me, but at the same time I don't need to be concerned that they are sad because I am sad, and my being sad makes them sad - that kind of a recursive empathetic sinkhole would complicate life a lot. Empathy is tricky. If you've ever wondered, "Oh God, how am I going to tell my sisters!" when you have bad personal news you know what I mean.
There is a pretty deep strain of autism spectrum in my family. I have a daughter who out of the blue announced, "I'm glad you survived your surgery." So she must feel something, but it just delineates how badly we are connected because I've never had any difficult or dangerous surgery. I had surgery, but it was uncomplicated day surgery without any appreciable risk, and never even required post surgical pain killers. It was like she was talking about someone completely different she had gotten muddled with me. I think she probably said that because she felt uncomfortable that she had not been in touch with me at all during the couple of years when I had that surgery. But her guilt, if that is what motivated her to say that, is quite unfounded because if I had wanted to tell her about what was going on then, I could have. But I didn't want to be in touch with her during that time, because I thought I would probably have to provide her with support and reassurance and I was hoping to get away without having to. She provided me with more support by dropping out of touch than she could have provided by doing anything else.
Getting support requires some ability to absorb it as well as the ability to find and maintain relationships with people who provide it. If you can't self sooth no amount of support is going to help you. Paradoxically if you are too good at self soothing, having other people attempt to support you may only get in the way of your self-soothing efforts. In either case it's better to not try to elicit support from other people. If they can't help you because you can't restore your equilibrium, then at best you are wasting scarce resources, and at worst you are contagious, will make them upset too and may end up projecting that it is their fault you are upset and that they owe you to do something that can't be done. And in the other case there's just no need.
If you are in between - capable of some self soothing, but can do it sooner or more easily if other people show empathy to you, then gong to those people who can support you is a wonderful thing. It's very interesting to listen to the people who provide support and try to work out what they are doing and why. It can illustrate the love languages thing - some are present and listen and absorb, some offer information and analysis, others do the physiological thing by feeding or hugging you. Some show empathy by taking on your emotions, and validating yours by sharing them. Some are just practical. Have you ever had a family member who doesn't say much, but one day just walks in and hands you a solution? It's amazing how hard people try sometimes and how invested they are in each other, sometimes with people they barely interact with.
Even if you think you are in a situation, like the one I am describing as my own where you have no one you can go to for support, when someone doesn't appear to be willing to provide support, it often is that they would like to and don't have the means. One of those horrible awkward stiff hugs does not stimulate oxytocin production. If someone isn't offering hugs there's a good chance that they can't give one and they know it. And some people cannot do social analysis to save their life, or their marriage. You can't really tell what goes on inside someone who says they care but doesn't show it. You know exactly where you stand if they show you that they don't care. If they retaliate, or one up you, or do the thing you tell them that would make things worse, they are showing you that they don't care. If they are just passive or avoidant it doesn't tell you that they don't care, just that they can't help. It doesn't make them bad. Your dog is not going to provide you with a loan, and your mother is not going to console you with a good orgasm, and your two year old is not going to give you relationship advice. It's easy to understand that. But it's not as easy to understand if an adult who claims to love you won't stay in the room with you if you cry, or if the only answer you can get out of your romantic partner is "I don't know." If you want help badly enough, you can refuse to believe that the people you are asking for help might not have the capacity to give you the support you need.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:28 PM on May 17, 2019 [17 favorites]
I have no spouse and a lot of my family isn't super comfortable with emotions and vulnerability. So when I need support, I go to this site called 7cups.com. You can talk to a listener there for free, or join group discussions. I also sometimes call the emotional crisis hotlines if I need to talk to someone sympathetic and non-judgmental. I recently started working with a life coach who also is helpful. Finally (but not least) I can talk to my Dad. He is good at being non-judgmental and supportive.
posted by starpoint at 1:34 AM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by starpoint at 1:34 AM on May 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
Hogwarts. Rereading one of the Harry Potter books is always comforting for me.
posted by mundo at 9:31 AM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by mundo at 9:31 AM on May 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have a cascade of levels, so I go to the next one if the previous one didnt help or I need more support / processing. First I would talk to my closest friends. Then my mom. Then my therapist. I'd put my dog on here, but he is such a constant source of love that he is outside of the list.
posted by ananci at 12:15 PM on May 18, 2019
posted by ananci at 12:15 PM on May 18, 2019
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I try not to think of needing support as much as I try to think about mutually supportive relationships, especially with friends. I also try to make supportive comments in the online support groups I'm in for people who express the need. Support is reciprocal, so I try to give more than I get. I doubt that I'm successful, but I try. There are also different kinds of support, so while I imagine you are talking about emotional support, I also try to do things like providing useful information, gifts, or food as other ways to be supportive of others.
posted by sockermom at 4:37 PM on May 17, 2019 [3 favorites]