The old college try?
April 9, 2019 4:30 PM Subscribe
How long did you a try a new social hobby or sport before you decided to stick with it? Is there a time where you just decide it’s not a good fit?
I joined an adult league sport and have found I actually really enjoy the playing! It’s challenging and I don’t think I’m super good at it, but I enjoy doing it and being around other women my age. However, it’s been three practices and I haven’t really clicked with anyone on the team (I mostly blame myself for being shy and intimidated by these amazing women.) since it’s a team sport, it seems like it would make sense to continue it only if I really bond with the team?
The women in the new recruits class already knew others on the team and they’re all friends, so it feels a bit tougher to break in since I’m brand new to the town.
I guess I’m wondering what’s the time limit for deciding on if you should continue on with a social or team hobby? Did you join a team where you really enjoyed the sport but it took you longer to click with the team?
I would love to get better at the sport, but I feel really shy and self conscious since I haven’t clicked as well with the team as my fellow teammates. I don’t think I would feel this way if it was not a team sport/hobby (like I’m really ok with trying out embroidering and tarot reading and occasionally joining groups to share because those aren’t dependent on having camaraderie.)
I guess I’m trying to distinguish the line of “Stick with it and try harder” or “It’s just not a good fit, hon”
I joined an adult league sport and have found I actually really enjoy the playing! It’s challenging and I don’t think I’m super good at it, but I enjoy doing it and being around other women my age. However, it’s been three practices and I haven’t really clicked with anyone on the team (I mostly blame myself for being shy and intimidated by these amazing women.) since it’s a team sport, it seems like it would make sense to continue it only if I really bond with the team?
The women in the new recruits class already knew others on the team and they’re all friends, so it feels a bit tougher to break in since I’m brand new to the town.
I guess I’m wondering what’s the time limit for deciding on if you should continue on with a social or team hobby? Did you join a team where you really enjoyed the sport but it took you longer to click with the team?
I would love to get better at the sport, but I feel really shy and self conscious since I haven’t clicked as well with the team as my fellow teammates. I don’t think I would feel this way if it was not a team sport/hobby (like I’m really ok with trying out embroidering and tarot reading and occasionally joining groups to share because those aren’t dependent on having camaraderie.)
I guess I’m trying to distinguish the line of “Stick with it and try harder” or “It’s just not a good fit, hon”
You're the new girl this year. Next year, there'll be some other new girls. Either you new girls can hang out, or you will seem more part of the crowd because you aren't new anymore. If you enjoy your actual time practicing/playing, then I wouldn't worry about pushing the friendship thing just yet.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:52 PM on April 9, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 4:52 PM on April 9, 2019 [15 favorites]
Definitely don't quit yet! It sounds like you're actually having fun but overthinking it.
I've played team sports for more than 10 years after starting as an adult. A very shy and female one, too, which is not always the easiest especially when it's coed. Even as a non-newbie now, I don't "click" with most of the people I've played with over the years (superficially friendly with most but have downright disliked a few of them) and would absolutely not use that as an indicator of whether to continue with the sport! It is one of the best things in my life now and I would have missed out on so much if I quit early.
If you're having fun doing the sport itself, and the people aren't outrageously awful to interact with during your games, play out the season and join a new team if you still don't love yours for whatever reason. You can suggest after-game events like grabbing a beer if you want to form more of a bond with your teammates. Some might be sport-and-then-home types (like me) though, which doesn't mean they dislike you, just that they don't have a strong drive to socialize, nothing personal. I know that many people are not like me though (from all the pestering to come out for drinks, haha) and you'll definitely find more social teammates if you look for it.
posted by randomnity at 4:54 PM on April 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
I've played team sports for more than 10 years after starting as an adult. A very shy and female one, too, which is not always the easiest especially when it's coed. Even as a non-newbie now, I don't "click" with most of the people I've played with over the years (superficially friendly with most but have downright disliked a few of them) and would absolutely not use that as an indicator of whether to continue with the sport! It is one of the best things in my life now and I would have missed out on so much if I quit early.
If you're having fun doing the sport itself, and the people aren't outrageously awful to interact with during your games, play out the season and join a new team if you still don't love yours for whatever reason. You can suggest after-game events like grabbing a beer if you want to form more of a bond with your teammates. Some might be sport-and-then-home types (like me) though, which doesn't mean they dislike you, just that they don't have a strong drive to socialize, nothing personal. I know that many people are not like me though (from all the pestering to come out for drinks, haha) and you'll definitely find more social teammates if you look for it.
posted by randomnity at 4:54 PM on April 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
Does this sport have seasons? I'd give it a season, or a year if you can commit to that. A year is really not a long time to get to know people, when you are a busy adult meeting other busy adults! The bond with your team will develop through shared experiences.
posted by yarntheory at 4:57 PM on April 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by yarntheory at 4:57 PM on April 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you enjoy the sport and the social situation isn't negative for you, give it at least a season. Bonding with people you don't know is tough, and it doesn't happen right away, but the good thing about sports is that they don't just help build camaraderie, they give you something else to focus on while you wait and see about the camaraderie.
posted by Polycarp at 5:21 PM on April 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Polycarp at 5:21 PM on April 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
Finish out the season and suggest an end of the season get together at a bar, park, or team member’s home (with friends and family welcome to join). Hanging out outside the games is how I really bonded with the people on my team and they ended up becoming some of my best friends.
posted by sallybrown at 5:27 PM on April 9, 2019
posted by sallybrown at 5:27 PM on April 9, 2019
Three practices is still very early. I’d stick with it awhile longer.
posted by SLC Mom at 5:44 PM on April 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by SLC Mom at 5:44 PM on April 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
I joined a local lifting club and it took me NO JOKE a solid year to feel like I was fitting in.
Now they love me and I am going to be taking up a position to help market the club.
STICK WITH IT. Keep showing up.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:18 PM on April 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
Now they love me and I am going to be taking up a position to help market the club.
STICK WITH IT. Keep showing up.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:18 PM on April 9, 2019 [3 favorites]
Six months (or a season). Your second season will be a lot easier socially.
posted by ElisaOS at 7:37 PM on April 9, 2019
posted by ElisaOS at 7:37 PM on April 9, 2019
I am a somewhat shy dude who's kinda at a loss without a structured activity.
I've joined a few flag football teams as the new guy and the games were the thing that really got me into the social swing of things. That shared experience of working hard to beat another team can really weld people together. Once I'd made a few plays and gotten (and given) a few attaboys everything got way easier.
Definitely give it a few games to see how it goes -- the dynamics of practice and the dynamics of actual games are so so different.
posted by Sauce Trough at 9:09 PM on April 9, 2019
I've joined a few flag football teams as the new guy and the games were the thing that really got me into the social swing of things. That shared experience of working hard to beat another team can really weld people together. Once I'd made a few plays and gotten (and given) a few attaboys everything got way easier.
Definitely give it a few games to see how it goes -- the dynamics of practice and the dynamics of actual games are so so different.
posted by Sauce Trough at 9:09 PM on April 9, 2019
like I’m really ok with trying out embroidering and tarot reading and occasionally joining groups to share because those aren’t dependent on having camaraderie
Another way of putting this is that in those kinds of groups, camaraderie isn't dependent on being skilled at what you're doing in the way that that sometimes matters with team sports. Even with really laid-back, non-competitive teams, it'll be easier to socially click with more established folks if you're good for a noob.
posted by blerghamot at 9:23 PM on April 9, 2019
Another way of putting this is that in those kinds of groups, camaraderie isn't dependent on being skilled at what you're doing in the way that that sometimes matters with team sports. Even with really laid-back, non-competitive teams, it'll be easier to socially click with more established folks if you're good for a noob.
posted by blerghamot at 9:23 PM on April 9, 2019
Definitely stick with it, for two reasons:
1. These things can take time - three weeks is nothing.
2. Even if you don't become close friends with the rest of them, it sounds like you enjoy it and that's awesome.
since it’s a team sport, it seems like it would make sense to continue it only if I really bond with the team
This is a complete made-up thought, if you've ever done CBT, go and throw allll the CBT you have at it and show yourself how much of a fiction it is. If you enjoy the activity, keep doing it. Getting good friends out of it is a bonus, not a compulsory element. I guess the only exception would be if, after a long time of trying (like, a few months), every other person on the team was thick as thieves with one another and you were left out, and it was making you miserable.
By way of anecdata, I once took an evening class where nobody seemed to want to go to the pub afterwards, they sat there in awkward silence during what were supposed to be class discussions, I sat there for weeks - possibly even months - thinking "OK, no way I'm getting any friends out of this". But in fact by the end of the year we were all firm friends, and I'm still in touch with several of them 10 years later.
posted by penguin pie at 7:34 AM on April 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
1. These things can take time - three weeks is nothing.
2. Even if you don't become close friends with the rest of them, it sounds like you enjoy it and that's awesome.
since it’s a team sport, it seems like it would make sense to continue it only if I really bond with the team
This is a complete made-up thought, if you've ever done CBT, go and throw allll the CBT you have at it and show yourself how much of a fiction it is. If you enjoy the activity, keep doing it. Getting good friends out of it is a bonus, not a compulsory element. I guess the only exception would be if, after a long time of trying (like, a few months), every other person on the team was thick as thieves with one another and you were left out, and it was making you miserable.
By way of anecdata, I once took an evening class where nobody seemed to want to go to the pub afterwards, they sat there in awkward silence during what were supposed to be class discussions, I sat there for weeks - possibly even months - thinking "OK, no way I'm getting any friends out of this". But in fact by the end of the year we were all firm friends, and I'm still in touch with several of them 10 years later.
posted by penguin pie at 7:34 AM on April 10, 2019 [2 favorites]
I started playing sports in my late twenties and I would say it took a full season for me to feel like I was fitting in. After that, though, I was part of the gang and tried to remember to include the next round of new folks. For me, it was a combination of getting better at the sport (which I was terrible at to begin with) and the social catch-up.
Keep going!
posted by assenav at 10:14 AM on April 10, 2019
Keep going!
posted by assenav at 10:14 AM on April 10, 2019
I was given the advice to try something four times to see if I liked the activity, and it sounds like you like the activity, so, success! I find it takes a whole lot longer to get comfortable with a new group of people, especially if they all know each other. I'll bet it'll be better by the end of the season!
posted by bighappyhairydog at 12:06 PM on April 10, 2019
posted by bighappyhairydog at 12:06 PM on April 10, 2019
> Did you join a team where you really enjoyed the sport but it took you longer to click with the team
Yes. It took me a few months to feel at ease on the team I'm on now, and that's at a club I've been going to for a few years. I agree with jacquilynne that part of it is that you're the new girl; when we started a new session and two new people joined I felt more comfortable.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:01 PM on April 10, 2019
Yes. It took me a few months to feel at ease on the team I'm on now, and that's at a club I've been going to for a few years. I agree with jacquilynne that part of it is that you're the new girl; when we started a new session and two new people joined I felt more comfortable.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:01 PM on April 10, 2019
If this rec sports team is like literally any other sports team I have ever been on, they are going to need people to show up to games so they'll have enough players to play and not forfeit (or play shorthanded). The more you can do that, the more valuable you are. "Dependability is more important than ability."
Plus, the whole point is to play games! Games are more fun than practice! Your teammates very likely will cheer you on! At least play in some games, then see how you're doing.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:55 PM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
Plus, the whole point is to play games! Games are more fun than practice! Your teammates very likely will cheer you on! At least play in some games, then see how you're doing.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:55 PM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
Apart from playing, is there some kind of volunteer work you can do for the team? Most sports teams are (mostly) run by volunteers, and offering to help wiil probably be appreciated and will also help in getting to know the more active members.
posted by rjs at 10:58 PM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by rjs at 10:58 PM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
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When you say you don't click with anyone: do you like them, do they seem like cool people, but you just haven't hit it off with them yet? Are there people you'd like to hang out with if you could get over that hump? Or do they just not seem like your kind of people? If it's the former, and you're enjoying the sport, give it some more time, and maybe push yourself to be more outgoing if you can. If it's the latter, then yeah, maybe find something else.
posted by lunasol at 4:39 PM on April 9, 2019 [9 favorites]