I'm tired of having my knee problem and REALLY tired of talking about it
February 27, 2019 2:02 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with polite/kind/concerned/quite concerned questions about my knee problem when I am getting kind of bummed about it but have no expectation that anybody I'm talking to is going to have anything helpful to say ?
So my knee is not really getting better, I'm pretty worried, and I'm thinking I might have to change a lot about my life including quitting my job and the idea of looking for a new job fills me with dread.
So every time someone kindly and politely inquires after my knee I've got all that going on but I'm sure they wouldn't actually like to hear about all that and I'm very sure I would get no benefit from sharing it. Experience shows that talking about my bad feelings makes me feel more bad.
Also, sometimes people have advice. None of this is helpful. (I am especially put off by everyone's great idea of alternative therapies. These are always expensive and not covered by insurance. I've already blown some money on some to no effect, so it's not in the budget anymore).
So I've got a problem. I'm working on it. I'm talking to my doctor, I'm doing my physical therapy, I'm doing a million things, and probably in the end everything will be fine. But right now I'm in the middle and I don't wanna talk about it. And it feels weird to just straight up say "everything's fine, proceeding normally!" Especially if later I make a lot of changes that demonstrate everything was not fine.
Tell me what you guys think.
So my knee is not really getting better, I'm pretty worried, and I'm thinking I might have to change a lot about my life including quitting my job and the idea of looking for a new job fills me with dread.
So every time someone kindly and politely inquires after my knee I've got all that going on but I'm sure they wouldn't actually like to hear about all that and I'm very sure I would get no benefit from sharing it. Experience shows that talking about my bad feelings makes me feel more bad.
Also, sometimes people have advice. None of this is helpful. (I am especially put off by everyone's great idea of alternative therapies. These are always expensive and not covered by insurance. I've already blown some money on some to no effect, so it's not in the budget anymore).
So I've got a problem. I'm working on it. I'm talking to my doctor, I'm doing my physical therapy, I'm doing a million things, and probably in the end everything will be fine. But right now I'm in the middle and I don't wanna talk about it. And it feels weird to just straight up say "everything's fine, proceeding normally!" Especially if later I make a lot of changes that demonstrate everything was not fine.
Tell me what you guys think.
"Oh, you know, I'm still working out the bugs with my health team. And now, how about that weather we're having..."
posted by jacquilynne at 2:19 PM on February 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 2:19 PM on February 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
There's a lot to be said for a short, vague non-answer + firm subject change. When someone asks, "How's your knee?" you can say things like...
"Eh, you know. Did you catch the game last night?"
"Life goes on. How's hobby X going?"
"It's a knee. What's been up with you lately?"
"Que sera. I've been meaning to ask you about your cheeseball recipe..."
Variation #1, to be used only on the nosiest inquirers: non-answer, then change the subject to something you know very well that they don't want to talk about.
"Oh, it is what it is. How's your unfinished dissertation coming along?"
"You know how it goes. How are you doing with the divorce?"
Optional honest move, to be used only with those you trust: just be real.
"I'm honestly tired of talking about it. I know you're asking because you care, but could you do me a huge favor and help me take a break from thinking about it? Let's talk about X instead."
As for unsolicited advice, it's super-rude and I'd suggest trying (at most) one polite, direct refusal of the advice. If that doesn't work, you have the internet's permission to just end the conversation. Example:
"Have you ever heard about essential oils? I heard about one that's just amazing for joints--"
"I don't really need any advice at the moment, thanks."
"Oh, but this oil is just amazing, my sister's aunt's best friend used it and she said--"
"Sorry, I have to go." [hang up, walk away, etc.]
posted by ourobouros at 2:30 PM on February 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
"Eh, you know. Did you catch the game last night?"
"Life goes on. How's hobby X going?"
"It's a knee. What's been up with you lately?"
"Que sera. I've been meaning to ask you about your cheeseball recipe..."
Variation #1, to be used only on the nosiest inquirers: non-answer, then change the subject to something you know very well that they don't want to talk about.
"Oh, it is what it is. How's your unfinished dissertation coming along?"
"You know how it goes. How are you doing with the divorce?"
Optional honest move, to be used only with those you trust: just be real.
"I'm honestly tired of talking about it. I know you're asking because you care, but could you do me a huge favor and help me take a break from thinking about it? Let's talk about X instead."
As for unsolicited advice, it's super-rude and I'd suggest trying (at most) one polite, direct refusal of the advice. If that doesn't work, you have the internet's permission to just end the conversation. Example:
"Have you ever heard about essential oils? I heard about one that's just amazing for joints--"
"I don't really need any advice at the moment, thanks."
"Oh, but this oil is just amazing, my sister's aunt's best friend used it and she said--"
"Sorry, I have to go." [hang up, walk away, etc.]
posted by ourobouros at 2:30 PM on February 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
"It's a work in progress" (change subject)
posted by randomnity at 2:38 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by randomnity at 2:38 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
“Thanks for asking! But, you know, I’d rather talk about xxxx. What do you think about...”
posted by frumiousb at 2:47 PM on February 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by frumiousb at 2:47 PM on February 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
acknowledge the kindness of the inquiry, then deflect. "Sweet of you to ask. It's getting better*. How was your thing?"
*doesn't need to be true, and discourages advice
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:52 PM on February 27, 2019 [9 favorites]
*doesn't need to be true, and discourages advice
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:52 PM on February 27, 2019 [9 favorites]
My knee is also fucked! It's only just like, Stage One Fucked (only hurts when I Go Like This, can be used for most activities without issue) but I have two kids and no drivers' license so the prospect of it getting worse is a major source of anxiety. These are my standard replies, may they serve you well:
"It's FUCKED, Barbra. Completely fucked. So fucked even talking about it fills me with an inescapable mortal DREAD that then permeates all of my existence, tainting every waking moment with suffering. So thanks for that."
That would be for friends and family who actually give a shit and aren't just mindlessly checking off Things They Know About Jenny'sCricket Good For Small Talk.
A lot of people are just fucking clueless though. Like I can start talking to them about toilet training and that'll get em moving along pretty quick smart, so if you have some other source of tedious small talk that you can sub in that's pretty handy. Pets? Obnoxious hobbies, like talking about your RPG characters or how your cyclamens are coming along? Soil Ph is only interestiing to a really small subset of people so that's handy to have in your sleeve. I have a mate who likes to talk about Youtube videos he's seen on Facebook recently when people start asking about his health problems and it's genuis.
For real, loads of people will just be working through that checklist and don't even think about the implications of the question, so redirecting is good.If you don't have an obnoxious hobby to whip out for that kind casual inquiries "Honestly, it's tedious and I'd rather not talk about it, ta" is great for like, office level nosy parkers who are just trying to make small talk and who have no tact about health issues. DarlingBri speaks wisdom, and people are pretty receptive to that kind of reply in my experience.
"If it's not a robot knee I'm not interested" has become the standard response to kind offers of patented moon charged quartz crystal infused roller ball oils or other homeopathic bullshit. "Oh, are you a physiotherapist/orthopedic surgeon/OT?" can also be handy if you feel like being a bit more abrupt with people.
posted by Jilder at 3:08 PM on February 27, 2019 [11 favorites]
"It's FUCKED, Barbra. Completely fucked. So fucked even talking about it fills me with an inescapable mortal DREAD that then permeates all of my existence, tainting every waking moment with suffering. So thanks for that."
That would be for friends and family who actually give a shit and aren't just mindlessly checking off Things They Know About Jenny'sCricket Good For Small Talk.
A lot of people are just fucking clueless though. Like I can start talking to them about toilet training and that'll get em moving along pretty quick smart, so if you have some other source of tedious small talk that you can sub in that's pretty handy. Pets? Obnoxious hobbies, like talking about your RPG characters or how your cyclamens are coming along? Soil Ph is only interestiing to a really small subset of people so that's handy to have in your sleeve. I have a mate who likes to talk about Youtube videos he's seen on Facebook recently when people start asking about his health problems and it's genuis.
For real, loads of people will just be working through that checklist and don't even think about the implications of the question, so redirecting is good.If you don't have an obnoxious hobby to whip out for that kind casual inquiries "Honestly, it's tedious and I'd rather not talk about it, ta" is great for like, office level nosy parkers who are just trying to make small talk and who have no tact about health issues. DarlingBri speaks wisdom, and people are pretty receptive to that kind of reply in my experience.
"If it's not a robot knee I'm not interested" has become the standard response to kind offers of patented moon charged quartz crystal infused roller ball oils or other homeopathic bullshit. "Oh, are you a physiotherapist/orthopedic surgeon/OT?" can also be handy if you feel like being a bit more abrupt with people.
posted by Jilder at 3:08 PM on February 27, 2019 [11 favorites]
“IT SUCKS, THANKS”
posted by rodlymight at 3:08 PM on February 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by rodlymight at 3:08 PM on February 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I am not a fan of redirecting back to their interests. It shuts them down but leaves them with no "lesson learned" for the next time they see you.
Instead, decide what you would rather talk about, what is good in your life, and redirect them to that.
"The knee situation isn't great and to be honest even talking about it stresses me out. But I started [dabbling in watercolors] [rereading Proust] [learning PhotoShop] as a distraction and that has turned out to be so much fun! Ask me about that instead!"
Honesty will acknowledge their question while giving them a new "what's up" question for next time. Plus it will get you focused on something else too.
posted by headnsouth at 3:33 PM on February 27, 2019 [17 favorites]
Instead, decide what you would rather talk about, what is good in your life, and redirect them to that.
"The knee situation isn't great and to be honest even talking about it stresses me out. But I started [dabbling in watercolors] [rereading Proust] [learning PhotoShop] as a distraction and that has turned out to be so much fun! Ask me about that instead!"
Honesty will acknowledge their question while giving them a new "what's up" question for next time. Plus it will get you focused on something else too.
posted by headnsouth at 3:33 PM on February 27, 2019 [17 favorites]
Surprised by the rudeness of some of these suggestions. Maybe they're being made in jest.
Most people, let's face it, don't really give a shit about your knee; but they're showing interest anyway out of kindness, as you noted in your ask. All that's needed is to make them feel their kindness was noted, and to change the subject to something more mutually agreeable. Some of the peppery responses suggested here would be not only uncalled for but leave a lasting impression of boorishness.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:54 PM on February 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
Most people, let's face it, don't really give a shit about your knee; but they're showing interest anyway out of kindness, as you noted in your ask. All that's needed is to make them feel their kindness was noted, and to change the subject to something more mutually agreeable. Some of the peppery responses suggested here would be not only uncalled for but leave a lasting impression of boorishness.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:54 PM on February 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I have a hip problem and am using a variant of “it is what it is”, “it’s going along as best as possible”, “good days and bad days” etc. Vague enough not to give any details, nor despair, nor hope, but acknowledges that they care. Because they do care, a little.
Oh my god, how I couldn’t shut people up at church the day I came with a cane....
posted by matildaben at 4:29 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Oh my god, how I couldn’t shut people up at church the day I came with a cane....
posted by matildaben at 4:29 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Surprised by the rudeness of some of these suggestions. Maybe they're being made in jest.
Asking acquaintances for medical information is kind of rude. So is unsolicited advice of the "have you tried yoga?" kind. It's thoughtless, and there comes a time in one's life, especially when you're dealing with constant pain, when people need to learn to think before they speak.
Also I'm Australian, so I actually get arrested if I don't swear at my mates at least 4 times a day, got a little punch card and everything. Don't be hating my culture.
posted by Jilder at 4:51 PM on February 27, 2019 [7 favorites]
Asking acquaintances for medical information is kind of rude. So is unsolicited advice of the "have you tried yoga?" kind. It's thoughtless, and there comes a time in one's life, especially when you're dealing with constant pain, when people need to learn to think before they speak.
Also I'm Australian, so I actually get arrested if I don't swear at my mates at least 4 times a day, got a little punch card and everything. Don't be hating my culture.
posted by Jilder at 4:51 PM on February 27, 2019 [7 favorites]
“Things are up in the air. Taking it day by day.”
posted by stoneandstar at 4:57 PM on February 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 4:57 PM on February 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm a fan of variations of "it's not great, so let's talk about something that is" with juuust a little more vulgarity than is generally called for in the specific situation. The refuse to offer a different topic; if they wanted to talk to you about something that wasn't your specific kind of broken they'll come up with something.
posted by mce at 7:19 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by mce at 7:19 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
My friend with a bad foot basically just told me she gets really upset when people ask about her foot, the situation wasn't getting better and it was really bothering her and she's angry at the doctors, etc. and to just Please Don't Say Anything About The Foot Any More. You probably can't do that one on every random passerby, mind you, but just straight up telling regular people in your life to NOT ASK might work.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:09 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:09 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Me and my chronic knee problems feel you! My suggestion is "it's coming along, thanks" then change the subject. it doesn't matter if it's true, but tends to ward off the infuriating "have you tried ..." advice. And I don't normally feel like getting into a long saga about how it looks like I have a degenerative bone condition and will likely need two knee replacements in the future. For close friends/family I am more candid at times but generally I just try to diffuse talking about it. anyhow, more of a sympathetic comment than an answer but there you go!
posted by emd3737 at 8:22 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by emd3737 at 8:22 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Offering an extremely brief answer and then saying that you prefer to focus on “X” (where X is something upbeat) has the double benefit of changing the direction of the conversation and focusing YOU and the other person on something positive in your life.
posted by veggieboy at 10:17 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by veggieboy at 10:17 PM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
With good friends you might be able to tell them: "Honestly, one of the worst parts of this whole business is that people mean well and ask me about it all the time, and then I have to give reports on it all the time, and explain why I haven't yet tried acupuncture/rolfing/ancient herbal remedies, and it's depressing and exhausting. I love you for caring, but please, please, let me not talk about this one thing with you."
It doesn't always work, of course. (And if the situation becomes chronic and you're like me, watch out for the ridiculous thing where you simultaneously hate having to talk about it and resent that people forget about it and don't understand your limitations, since you don't talk about them....)
posted by trig at 11:34 PM on February 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
It doesn't always work, of course. (And if the situation becomes chronic and you're like me, watch out for the ridiculous thing where you simultaneously hate having to talk about it and resent that people forget about it and don't understand your limitations, since you don't talk about them....)
posted by trig at 11:34 PM on February 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
I tend to say "oh you know, cheer up, soon be dead" which makes people laugh but I'm also Australian and in Australia.
posted by kitten magic at 1:43 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by kitten magic at 1:43 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Ugh, I feel this so much. I try some combo of the approaches above—suggest we talk about something else, say I am working on it, find a brief positive detail to mention, tell close friends some more about how I really feel. Sometimes I just say ehhh and make a face and the other person figures out it's time to move on. I HATE when people make suggestions of alternatives to try. It feels like they think I am stupid and haven't done my due diligence, even though I know that's not their intention. I tell them that I have a doc and PT who I feel happy with, and thank them for their suggestions if I can bear to.
posted by ferret branca at 6:46 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by ferret branca at 6:46 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Surprised by the rudeness of some of these suggestions. Maybe they're being made in jest.
Most people, let's face it, don't really give a shit about your knee; but they're showing interest anyway out of kindness, as you noted in your ask. All that's needed is to make them feel their kindness was noted, and to change the subject to something more mutually agreeable. Some of the peppery responses suggested here would be not only uncalled for but leave a lasting impression of boorishness.
Wow, I really agree with this! Additionally, jokey/feisty deflective responses don't even communicate the necessary information, so are not likely to be particularly effective.
I can't imagine why someone wouldn't start with "Thanks for asking, but ugh, I'm actually starting to get really bummed out when I have to talk about my knee, it would make me really happy if we didn't from now on, I'm sure you probably understand". That's what I'd recommend!
posted by dusty potato at 9:24 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
Most people, let's face it, don't really give a shit about your knee; but they're showing interest anyway out of kindness, as you noted in your ask. All that's needed is to make them feel their kindness was noted, and to change the subject to something more mutually agreeable. Some of the peppery responses suggested here would be not only uncalled for but leave a lasting impression of boorishness.
Wow, I really agree with this! Additionally, jokey/feisty deflective responses don't even communicate the necessary information, so are not likely to be particularly effective.
I can't imagine why someone wouldn't start with "Thanks for asking, but ugh, I'm actually starting to get really bummed out when I have to talk about my knee, it would make me really happy if we didn't from now on, I'm sure you probably understand". That's what I'd recommend!
posted by dusty potato at 9:24 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
I usually go for a very dismissive "working on it, thanks, things are progressing, " and redirect something I'd rather talk about on my end, so they have something else to ask about next time, like, "Oh, but I've been watching a great series, have you ever watched..."
posted by ldthomps at 10:38 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by ldthomps at 10:38 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I can't imagine why someone wouldn't start with "Thanks for asking, but ugh, I'm actually starting to get really bummed out when I have to talk about my knee, it would make me really happy if we didn't from now on, I'm sure you probably understand"
Because you're saying it a dozen times a day, often to the same people. Also that sentence is longer than like, the lift ride or the trip to the water cooler or whatever that is often the context of the question.
I'm only like, at most, 15% evenly distributed disabled at any given time, and even I find it fucking tiring to try and communicate that to people when relevant. The knee is one thing, but I have a hearing disorder that's difficult to explain to people and fuck me if I have to have the same. damn. conversation with people about it all the time. Yes, I can generally hear you. No, you don't have to shout, but please try not to talk to me above other background noise without making sure I'm paying attentio - no, I said DON'T SHOUT, IT'S NOT HELPING - no, it's not gotten better since last time, dude, it's degenera - STOP FUCKING SHOUTING AT ME.
Over and over, to the same people, over and over again. It's tedious and draining and I'm generally not in pain all the time on top of that! I know more than a few people with chronic pain conditions who have to navigate that sort of ignorant behaviour while in quite a bit of discomfort, and it takes energy better served living than using kid gloves on able bodied people who are doing a shitty job on their small talk.
You're not being rude when you shut that down, repeatedly. The OP is having a hard time with people who are mostly interested in small talk. They also say that talking about the negative impact it's having on them is having a detrimental impact on their life. JennysCricket doesn't have to sacrifice their comfort on the altar of civility.
Like, listen to people with disabilities when they're trying to communicate their frustration.
posted by Jilder at 3:48 PM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
Because you're saying it a dozen times a day, often to the same people. Also that sentence is longer than like, the lift ride or the trip to the water cooler or whatever that is often the context of the question.
I'm only like, at most, 15% evenly distributed disabled at any given time, and even I find it fucking tiring to try and communicate that to people when relevant. The knee is one thing, but I have a hearing disorder that's difficult to explain to people and fuck me if I have to have the same. damn. conversation with people about it all the time. Yes, I can generally hear you. No, you don't have to shout, but please try not to talk to me above other background noise without making sure I'm paying attentio - no, I said DON'T SHOUT, IT'S NOT HELPING - no, it's not gotten better since last time, dude, it's degenera - STOP FUCKING SHOUTING AT ME.
Over and over, to the same people, over and over again. It's tedious and draining and I'm generally not in pain all the time on top of that! I know more than a few people with chronic pain conditions who have to navigate that sort of ignorant behaviour while in quite a bit of discomfort, and it takes energy better served living than using kid gloves on able bodied people who are doing a shitty job on their small talk.
You're not being rude when you shut that down, repeatedly. The OP is having a hard time with people who are mostly interested in small talk. They also say that talking about the negative impact it's having on them is having a detrimental impact on their life. JennysCricket doesn't have to sacrifice their comfort on the altar of civility.
Like, listen to people with disabilities when they're trying to communicate their frustration.
posted by Jilder at 3:48 PM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
I have a disability that I don't like to discuss with people, as well. I'm hearing the OP's frustration and suggesting something that is likely to help them get what they want. There's no indication that the OP has ever mentioned their desire to avoid the subject-- it sounds like they have understandably struggled to broach the issue.
posted by dusty potato at 8:59 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by dusty potato at 8:59 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:12 PM on February 27, 2019 [11 favorites]