Should I move in with my (divorced) girlfriend (who has a kid)?
February 20, 2019 5:59 PM Subscribe
It’s your basic cohabitation question—except for complicated grown-ups. Excruciating snowflake details inside.
So the easy thing about this is that it doesn’t involve any relationship doubt. Nor any dopey twenty-something impulses. Which both seem to color the majority of the “Should we move in together?” questions I’ve read on this site.
My girlfriend and I, both 36, are spectacularly in love. Two years into the best, most mature relationship I’ve ever had, I can honestly say that it still feels fresh, exhilarating, and lusty. The sex, the intimacy, the communication, the trust…even the boring nuts-and-bolts (neighborhood proximity, grocery shopping routines, money and fitness habits) are all remarkably on-point. We seem to be firing on all cylinders. I’m eager to lock down this relationship, burrow deeper into commitment, really build a life together—but I want to tread extra carefully because…well, as the question implies, there is another person involved here! A sweet, intricate, highly impressionable person. My partner has a seven-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.
Help me think this through?
The background:
I’ve never been married, no kids. I’m also, at 36, a late-bloomer. My 20s were a shit show of spectacular flailing: a failed, traumatic attempt at a career in journalism; a grad program started and bailed on; another grad program started and painfully finished, an aborted move to a new city; lots and lots and lots of self-sabotage, despair, and abject fear. I basically spent a decade convinced I was a failure, broke and panicking.
Happily, I’ve righted the ship. I’m three years into a stable, rewarding career, paying down debt and on track for student loan forgiveness. I’ve managed to secure and keep a beautiful one-bedroom apartment (a first for me). I am maintaining great friends and mature relationships. I am, finally, starting to catch glimmers of an actual adult life.
But the late timeline means that I’m a Serious Relationship newbie. I’ve never lived with a romantic partner before. I’ve never had a girlfriend that lasted more than a year and a half. And for the past three years, I’ve been living blissfully alone in a solo apartment I’m somewhat attached to. I am, on paper, the consummate bachelor. Never felt an urge to have kids, never sweated being uncoupled. I was miserable in my 20s, yes, but I was always happily single. I realize this probably sounds like a giant red flag.
But it has also, perhaps counterintuitively, boded well me for dating a single mom. Since my partner already has a child, she doesn’t want another one—which releases me from any pressure to pro-create (a very, very big thing for a man dating in his 30s). Then, too, she has a major parenting commitment that leaves her appreciative of me being un-clingy and independent, capable of entertaining myself for an evening. She has her daughter 50% of the time, 3 days on/3 days off each week. We have moved slowly and deliberately; I didn’t meet the daughter until about 8 months in. Once that happened, we have established dedicated “date nights”—both she and I alone (romantic), as well as the three of us hanging together (wholesome and family-like). But in general, the whole thing has been very opt-in. In short, up to this point, we’ve viewed having parallel adult lives as a benefit.
I find the daughter charming and enjoyable. We get along well—but in a casual, uncle-type kind of way. As an only child, she’s used to having many adult allies in her life, and I think I’m still another one of mom’s friends—even if she knows that we are dating (my partner has explicitly talked to her daughter about me). I can envision myself having a positive impact on this child. But what the fuck do I know? Did you read what I wrote about my 20s? Should I even be trying to help shepherd a young person?
What’s more: my partner has an exceptional co-parenting arrangement with her ex. They had an amicable, lawyer-free divorce—an unheard of accomplishment that speaks to their maturity and finesse with conflict management. He was a stay-at-home dad prior to the divorce and, as such, approaches fatherhood with enthusiasm. He is also already coupled with a new girlfriend, so there’s no bitterness over my partner attaching to a new guy. Overall, there is no animosity or drama. But more relevant to my question, this means that the daughter has a great dad. She doesn’t want or need another one. And: my partner has a great co-parent. She doesn’t want or need another one. In fact, she once told me that it would be a huge turn-off if a guy she was dating seemed overly eager about being a “stepfather.”
So there’s an element here of, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We’ve even talked about being a Living Together Apart (LTA) couple, with all of the documented romantic benefits that that entails.
HOWEVER. We’re both craving…evolution. We want to see each other more. We want to fall asleep more nights in one another’s arms. We want the stable base of day-to-day partnership that allows us to plan for and build a future. We want to merge.
And as much as I hate to bring up practicality and finances…we are both solo renters in a mid-sized city with an affordable housing crisis. (She rents a very cool two-bedroom in a desirable part of the city. If we moved in together, we would move into her place.) We both can afford our apartments, but just barely. Neither of us can save; we zero out our spending power every month on four-figure rent. Neither of us wants to rent into our 40s—but neither of us sees any way to save up for a potential home purchase as individuals. Moving in means halving each of our respective rents—and potentially saving a collective $700-$800 per month.
Still…a kid’s childhood is a HUGE DEAL. And something I do not wish to fuck with. I’ve been seeing some disturbing research that suggest children do not do well with this type of cohabitation. I worry about what would happen if we didn’t make it. If I had to move out. I also worry what would happen if we did make it: I have enough friends of divorced parents who grew up resenting their mom or dad’s new longterm partner that the whole thing gives me extreme pause. I’ve been feeling panicky and riddled with doubt. I love my partner. I also love my partner’s daughter as an extension of my partner. Damaging the daughter means damaging my SO, which is a dreadful thought. And I’m worried that I’m so unprepared for all of this that moving in would be criminally reckless.
So, to single parents out there….how the eff do you approach this? Do you just automatically forfeit the prospect of ever living with an SO ever again? Or do you try to make it work, as messy as it may be? HOW?
And to step-parents….how did you decide to attempt to join your partner’s existing family? What steps did you take to ensure you were being considerate of the child’s well-being? Is their some more incremental way of merging that I’m not thinking of?
Please tell me how bad of an idea this sounds like.
So the easy thing about this is that it doesn’t involve any relationship doubt. Nor any dopey twenty-something impulses. Which both seem to color the majority of the “Should we move in together?” questions I’ve read on this site.
My girlfriend and I, both 36, are spectacularly in love. Two years into the best, most mature relationship I’ve ever had, I can honestly say that it still feels fresh, exhilarating, and lusty. The sex, the intimacy, the communication, the trust…even the boring nuts-and-bolts (neighborhood proximity, grocery shopping routines, money and fitness habits) are all remarkably on-point. We seem to be firing on all cylinders. I’m eager to lock down this relationship, burrow deeper into commitment, really build a life together—but I want to tread extra carefully because…well, as the question implies, there is another person involved here! A sweet, intricate, highly impressionable person. My partner has a seven-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.
Help me think this through?
The background:
I’ve never been married, no kids. I’m also, at 36, a late-bloomer. My 20s were a shit show of spectacular flailing: a failed, traumatic attempt at a career in journalism; a grad program started and bailed on; another grad program started and painfully finished, an aborted move to a new city; lots and lots and lots of self-sabotage, despair, and abject fear. I basically spent a decade convinced I was a failure, broke and panicking.
Happily, I’ve righted the ship. I’m three years into a stable, rewarding career, paying down debt and on track for student loan forgiveness. I’ve managed to secure and keep a beautiful one-bedroom apartment (a first for me). I am maintaining great friends and mature relationships. I am, finally, starting to catch glimmers of an actual adult life.
But the late timeline means that I’m a Serious Relationship newbie. I’ve never lived with a romantic partner before. I’ve never had a girlfriend that lasted more than a year and a half. And for the past three years, I’ve been living blissfully alone in a solo apartment I’m somewhat attached to. I am, on paper, the consummate bachelor. Never felt an urge to have kids, never sweated being uncoupled. I was miserable in my 20s, yes, but I was always happily single. I realize this probably sounds like a giant red flag.
But it has also, perhaps counterintuitively, boded well me for dating a single mom. Since my partner already has a child, she doesn’t want another one—which releases me from any pressure to pro-create (a very, very big thing for a man dating in his 30s). Then, too, she has a major parenting commitment that leaves her appreciative of me being un-clingy and independent, capable of entertaining myself for an evening. She has her daughter 50% of the time, 3 days on/3 days off each week. We have moved slowly and deliberately; I didn’t meet the daughter until about 8 months in. Once that happened, we have established dedicated “date nights”—both she and I alone (romantic), as well as the three of us hanging together (wholesome and family-like). But in general, the whole thing has been very opt-in. In short, up to this point, we’ve viewed having parallel adult lives as a benefit.
I find the daughter charming and enjoyable. We get along well—but in a casual, uncle-type kind of way. As an only child, she’s used to having many adult allies in her life, and I think I’m still another one of mom’s friends—even if she knows that we are dating (my partner has explicitly talked to her daughter about me). I can envision myself having a positive impact on this child. But what the fuck do I know? Did you read what I wrote about my 20s? Should I even be trying to help shepherd a young person?
What’s more: my partner has an exceptional co-parenting arrangement with her ex. They had an amicable, lawyer-free divorce—an unheard of accomplishment that speaks to their maturity and finesse with conflict management. He was a stay-at-home dad prior to the divorce and, as such, approaches fatherhood with enthusiasm. He is also already coupled with a new girlfriend, so there’s no bitterness over my partner attaching to a new guy. Overall, there is no animosity or drama. But more relevant to my question, this means that the daughter has a great dad. She doesn’t want or need another one. And: my partner has a great co-parent. She doesn’t want or need another one. In fact, she once told me that it would be a huge turn-off if a guy she was dating seemed overly eager about being a “stepfather.”
So there’s an element here of, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We’ve even talked about being a Living Together Apart (LTA) couple, with all of the documented romantic benefits that that entails.
HOWEVER. We’re both craving…evolution. We want to see each other more. We want to fall asleep more nights in one another’s arms. We want the stable base of day-to-day partnership that allows us to plan for and build a future. We want to merge.
And as much as I hate to bring up practicality and finances…we are both solo renters in a mid-sized city with an affordable housing crisis. (She rents a very cool two-bedroom in a desirable part of the city. If we moved in together, we would move into her place.) We both can afford our apartments, but just barely. Neither of us can save; we zero out our spending power every month on four-figure rent. Neither of us wants to rent into our 40s—but neither of us sees any way to save up for a potential home purchase as individuals. Moving in means halving each of our respective rents—and potentially saving a collective $700-$800 per month.
Still…a kid’s childhood is a HUGE DEAL. And something I do not wish to fuck with. I’ve been seeing some disturbing research that suggest children do not do well with this type of cohabitation. I worry about what would happen if we didn’t make it. If I had to move out. I also worry what would happen if we did make it: I have enough friends of divorced parents who grew up resenting their mom or dad’s new longterm partner that the whole thing gives me extreme pause. I’ve been feeling panicky and riddled with doubt. I love my partner. I also love my partner’s daughter as an extension of my partner. Damaging the daughter means damaging my SO, which is a dreadful thought. And I’m worried that I’m so unprepared for all of this that moving in would be criminally reckless.
So, to single parents out there….how the eff do you approach this? Do you just automatically forfeit the prospect of ever living with an SO ever again? Or do you try to make it work, as messy as it may be? HOW?
And to step-parents….how did you decide to attempt to join your partner’s existing family? What steps did you take to ensure you were being considerate of the child’s well-being? Is their some more incremental way of merging that I’m not thinking of?
Please tell me how bad of an idea this sounds like.
I think you and your girlfriend should see a family therapist who specializes in blended families. See the therapist without the daughter at first.
And, yeah, this is a bias but consider if you're ready to get married. Breaking up in front of a kid would be stressful and you don't have a lot of room to hide in a household with a kid. I dunno. I think both of you talking through all your hopes and fears with a therapist is a good way to go.
posted by amanda at 6:43 PM on February 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
And, yeah, this is a bias but consider if you're ready to get married. Breaking up in front of a kid would be stressful and you don't have a lot of room to hide in a household with a kid. I dunno. I think both of you talking through all your hopes and fears with a therapist is a good way to go.
posted by amanda at 6:43 PM on February 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
What does the kid think about the possibility of you moving in?
posted by bile and syntax at 7:03 PM on February 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 7:03 PM on February 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
Everything you write sounds right on track. You sound very self-aware and your relationship sounds stable and warm; it appears that you and your girlfriend are asking the right questions, and your relationship with her daughter is good. I agree with the advice of previous posters. I'm not saying you have to get married but it'd be good to have a timeline planned.
I am, finally, starting to catch glimmers of an actual adult life.
This is a big deal! It sounds like moving in together would be fine and come with many positives. But having your own place that you love and a life that's really blooming is wonderful, and not to be downplayed. How about revisiting this in six months or a year? In the meantime, you two could spend those three nights together when the daughter is with her dad.
You could also start taking a bit more responsibility in the daughter's life, say, spending all Tuesday afternoon and evening with her: starting by picking her up at school (you'd need a release but that's easy), helping with homework, making dinner together, etc. while also doing your own thing there. Or you could go on a short or long trip together, sharing everything except bedrooms! And attend parent-teacher conferences with your girlfriend and her ex. (I'm a teacher and this is totally normal, even welcomed!) You're not a replacement dad but rather transitioning into the role of a responsible, caring stepdad and partner to parent. There are still a lot more in between steps that you can work on in the mean time that will feel like progress and help everyone feel more sure.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:06 PM on February 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
I am, finally, starting to catch glimmers of an actual adult life.
This is a big deal! It sounds like moving in together would be fine and come with many positives. But having your own place that you love and a life that's really blooming is wonderful, and not to be downplayed. How about revisiting this in six months or a year? In the meantime, you two could spend those three nights together when the daughter is with her dad.
You could also start taking a bit more responsibility in the daughter's life, say, spending all Tuesday afternoon and evening with her: starting by picking her up at school (you'd need a release but that's easy), helping with homework, making dinner together, etc. while also doing your own thing there. Or you could go on a short or long trip together, sharing everything except bedrooms! And attend parent-teacher conferences with your girlfriend and her ex. (I'm a teacher and this is totally normal, even welcomed!) You're not a replacement dad but rather transitioning into the role of a responsible, caring stepdad and partner to parent. There are still a lot more in between steps that you can work on in the mean time that will feel like progress and help everyone feel more sure.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:06 PM on February 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
Disclaimer, my child is only three. But I don't see how you could live with a child without doing at least some parent-esque activities, so your discussion of how independent you are and how you haven't had a desire to have kids gives me a little pause. Not a lot but a little. Think about what cohabiting with a seven year old would actually look like.
On the other hand, seven years old is a good age -- old enough to brush her own teeth, young enough that she probably hasn't moved into caring only about her peers and rebelling against the adults. I think of it as kind of a "fun" age: young enough that they still want to do stuff with you, and old enough to do some fairly cool stuff.
Something else you mention is your apartment. I wouldn't give up an apartment you like and can afford too easily. What about having a trial for three or six months? Could you sublease your place over the summer? That could give everyone a chance to see if it works for them, and if it doesn't work, well, the arrangement was always a temporary trial. On preview, I think smorgasbord's ideas along these lines are really good or even better.
posted by slidell at 7:09 PM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
On the other hand, seven years old is a good age -- old enough to brush her own teeth, young enough that she probably hasn't moved into caring only about her peers and rebelling against the adults. I think of it as kind of a "fun" age: young enough that they still want to do stuff with you, and old enough to do some fairly cool stuff.
Something else you mention is your apartment. I wouldn't give up an apartment you like and can afford too easily. What about having a trial for three or six months? Could you sublease your place over the summer? That could give everyone a chance to see if it works for them, and if it doesn't work, well, the arrangement was always a temporary trial. On preview, I think smorgasbord's ideas along these lines are really good or even better.
posted by slidell at 7:09 PM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
Move in! Start planning for a permanent life together with marriage (or equivalent legal protections) in the plan. Lots of dating experience isn’t really an issue as I see it. Having found a person you want to build a life with is the critical part and you’ve got that.
Personal anecdote: I didn’t move in with someone until I had a very strong feeling that this person was my person, a partner that I wanted to build something with long-term. We hadn’t even been together a year, but circumstances with housing put some time pressure on the choice. 19 years later we’re happy and in love and married. Trust the part of you that wants a life with this woman. She knows her daughter well and if she’s on-board with the idea, do it. There will be adjustments, but there always are. Good luck and congrats!
posted by quince at 7:13 PM on February 20, 2019
Personal anecdote: I didn’t move in with someone until I had a very strong feeling that this person was my person, a partner that I wanted to build something with long-term. We hadn’t even been together a year, but circumstances with housing put some time pressure on the choice. 19 years later we’re happy and in love and married. Trust the part of you that wants a life with this woman. She knows her daughter well and if she’s on-board with the idea, do it. There will be adjustments, but there always are. Good luck and congrats!
posted by quince at 7:13 PM on February 20, 2019
The only red flag I see is that you’re a bit overdramatic about your past. Do you really think “I failed out of a journalism career in my twenties” is some kind of grave thing that means you should never mentor a child? Try to look back on your twenties as a weird growth period, that’s what it is for many people.
posted by cakelite at 7:52 PM on February 20, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 7:52 PM on February 20, 2019 [18 favorites]
Is this relationship on the permanent committment track? Nobody can predict the future of course, but with a young kid involved, I wouldn’t move in if I wasn’t thinking forever.
posted by kapers at 8:00 PM on February 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by kapers at 8:00 PM on February 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
The kids in my life, near and far, with step parents, knew which ones were interested in their parents only and they were additional extras and which ones saw them as awesome additions that they were lucky enough to step parent. It can and should be a life long relationship.
It's fantastic that you are being thoughtful about this first! Family therapy to sort out expectations between you and your girlfriend is a good idea - so much of parenting is unspoken assumptions leftover from our own upbringing. Ease into it and I agree with seriously considering marriage vs living together if that's where you both feel you are.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:17 PM on February 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
It's fantastic that you are being thoughtful about this first! Family therapy to sort out expectations between you and your girlfriend is a good idea - so much of parenting is unspoken assumptions leftover from our own upbringing. Ease into it and I agree with seriously considering marriage vs living together if that's where you both feel you are.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:17 PM on February 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
All kids are different.
My parents split about as amicably as these things can go when I was little, and I lived with both. On one side, I acquired a stepmother who is very much part of my family, and who I refer to as a parent, though she was always a bit careful in how she dealt with us. On the other side, there were a few long-term live-in partners who were in total non-parental roles, and that was ok too. When things didn't work out, I felt bad for my mom, and it was a bit weird with the house being quieter, but that was about it. No trauma was involved, because they weren't acting as a parent, and I already had plenty to go around and wasn't looking for another. If one of them had stuck around, that would have been fine by me too.
If you're living together, there's going to be some complications, but trust your girlfriend and the kid to know what's good for them, and ask?
posted by Dr.Enormous at 8:23 PM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
My parents split about as amicably as these things can go when I was little, and I lived with both. On one side, I acquired a stepmother who is very much part of my family, and who I refer to as a parent, though she was always a bit careful in how she dealt with us. On the other side, there were a few long-term live-in partners who were in total non-parental roles, and that was ok too. When things didn't work out, I felt bad for my mom, and it was a bit weird with the house being quieter, but that was about it. No trauma was involved, because they weren't acting as a parent, and I already had plenty to go around and wasn't looking for another. If one of them had stuck around, that would have been fine by me too.
If you're living together, there's going to be some complications, but trust your girlfriend and the kid to know what's good for them, and ask?
posted by Dr.Enormous at 8:23 PM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
Even if you haven't thought of marriage at this point, it could be really helpful to do one of those inventories couples do when they're getting ready for marriage, to see if they've thought about all the things people who are ready for marriage have thought about.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:53 PM on February 20, 2019
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:53 PM on February 20, 2019
I commented above but wanted to add, I know a few step-parents who are really happy in that role. Too often, we hear about the "evil" step-parent, or the step-parent to a kid who really doesn't want them there. But in the cases I've seen personally, they really value the relationship with the child. Maybe seek out some examples of situations that have gone well to help counterbalance your understandable and admirable wariness with a sense that it's also realistic that you could not only deepen your relationship with this woman but also get to build a relationship with a child.
Emphasis on "build a relationship." Your post talks a fair bit about whether or not you're a worthy role model and about "shepherding" her, but honestly, I think big aspects to being a good parent / step-parent are respecting her as her own person and trying to build a relationship with her. Sure, there's setting appropriate boundaries, but especially as a step-parent, I'd guess that there's a lot more that's in the vein of what they discuss in How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids Will Talk -- basically, being a receptive and helpful sounding board as children go through the chaos of growing up. Cf. Raising Human Beings on getting out of the permissive / authoritarian dichotomy and learning how to troubleshoot problems and find solutions with kids.
posted by slidell at 11:16 PM on February 20, 2019
Emphasis on "build a relationship." Your post talks a fair bit about whether or not you're a worthy role model and about "shepherding" her, but honestly, I think big aspects to being a good parent / step-parent are respecting her as her own person and trying to build a relationship with her. Sure, there's setting appropriate boundaries, but especially as a step-parent, I'd guess that there's a lot more that's in the vein of what they discuss in How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids Will Talk -- basically, being a receptive and helpful sounding board as children go through the chaos of growing up. Cf. Raising Human Beings on getting out of the permissive / authoritarian dichotomy and learning how to troubleshoot problems and find solutions with kids.
posted by slidell at 11:16 PM on February 20, 2019
I’d give it a test run for a month or so, or maybe 5-6 nights a week for several weeks. You could always sublet your place for a bit. But why not try more frequency first before you move in?
posted by bluedaisy at 11:58 PM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 11:58 PM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
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I have some experience living with someone else's kid (not a partner's) and IME, you won't get around having to enforce some rules and do some shepherding, because the kid will always be there. She'll be asking you for help with things, she'll ask for things that she shouldn't have, she'll be noisy when she needs to be quiet, she'll still need to get her chores and schoolwork done on the night when your partner is in bed with a migraine, etc. You can't be hands off with a young child, because a young child can't navigate life by themselves, and because if a young child likes you, they're going to come to you with problems and questions. I really am just a roommate, and I still have to do "don't put a sock over kitty's face, she doesn't like that" and "no, you can't watch YouTube" and explain random words and reach things down from high shelves.
You may not really be a dad, but you're going to be kind of a para-dad if you're around long enough. It won't always be fun, and it will be a big change. It will be complicated in ways for which you are not totally prepared.
I have a friend whose partner abandoned her and her child after being present from when the child was about two until she was about seven, so from the kid's standpoint her whole life. The split was bad enough, but the partner basically decided "not my bio-kid, I'm out the door". The further enmeshed you get with the kid, the further your commitment is going to deepen if you do split up down the road. You'll need to try seriously to avoid a split via therapy, etc and if one occurs you'll need to stay in the kid's life.
My feeling is that if you're serious about this relationship and you get along well with the kid, it will be a good thing. As far as I can tell, a lot of men who get involved with women who have kids are serious about the woman but not the kid, and that's where a lot of the serious, toxic resentment lies. You sound like you are serious about building a family rather than viewing the child as a sort of uninteresting accessory and you sound like you've already started to build a stable, predictable relationship with her.
Seeing friends deal with this stuff has given me an enormous amount of respect for step-parents and partners who commit to providing consistent, predictable and kind living situations for kids. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be caring, present and above all reliable.
posted by Frowner at 6:41 PM on February 20, 2019 [28 favorites]