Should I date?
February 16, 2016 4:28 PM Subscribe
My life is busy. Over the past decade, I have kept saying to myself, "I'll start seriously dating again a little... later. After all this... stuff... blows over." But it has never blown over; it just keeps piling on. Should I spend the couple of hours a week I can make free on dating? Snowflakes inside.
Almost a decade ago, my daughter was born, right at the end of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad relationship. I've taken care of my daughter since she was 9 months old. She has developmental delay as a result of brain damage, so the first few years were like taking care of an infant, and the last few years have been like taking care of a toddler. Sometimes fun and charming; more often exhausting. (I hear the word "No!" dozens of times each day. Not so fun and charming.) My mother has been a huuuuge (or is that yuuuuge?) help to me, but she has developed ALS, and now I'm starting to take care of her, too. And that is a progressive disease, so getting less busy doesn't look like it's on the radar over the next few years.
I don't particularly enjoy childcare, or nursing, or housework, or emotional labour, or, hell, working a fulltime job, but I do all those things because they're for people who are important to me.
So, in the few hours every couple of weeks that I can in good conscience carve out for myself, away from family, is it worth my time and potential dates' time for me to date seriously? Or should I put it off for... a few more additional years?
In your answers, assume that any extra time I carve out for myself will soon be chewed up by additional responsibility, so "you need to make more time for yourself" isn't part of the answer.
As an additional complication, I haven't figured out what I'm looking for in a relationship, either, or what would be reasonable to look for in a relationship. I do know that I would feel very uncomfortable making someone a part of this life that I don't particularly, on a moment-by-moment basis, enjoy myself - why would I burden someone with childcare/nursing/housework/emotionallabour? - but the few hours I have to myself aren't much time in which to build something valuable with/for a potential partner outside of that.
And the thought of going 50-50 with someone who's facing similar challenges, so that I'm contributing equally to something equal, is... my brain turns off with exhaustion at the thought.
I have also learned, however, that reading books about relationships, doing therapy, and not dating don't seem to get me any closer to figuring out what I want and what I can offer, so putting off serious dating for a few more years is only likely to delay any answers I might find.
Brain is stuck. Your opinions are valued.
Almost a decade ago, my daughter was born, right at the end of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad relationship. I've taken care of my daughter since she was 9 months old. She has developmental delay as a result of brain damage, so the first few years were like taking care of an infant, and the last few years have been like taking care of a toddler. Sometimes fun and charming; more often exhausting. (I hear the word "No!" dozens of times each day. Not so fun and charming.) My mother has been a huuuuge (or is that yuuuuge?) help to me, but she has developed ALS, and now I'm starting to take care of her, too. And that is a progressive disease, so getting less busy doesn't look like it's on the radar over the next few years.
I don't particularly enjoy childcare, or nursing, or housework, or emotional labour, or, hell, working a fulltime job, but I do all those things because they're for people who are important to me.
So, in the few hours every couple of weeks that I can in good conscience carve out for myself, away from family, is it worth my time and potential dates' time for me to date seriously? Or should I put it off for... a few more additional years?
In your answers, assume that any extra time I carve out for myself will soon be chewed up by additional responsibility, so "you need to make more time for yourself" isn't part of the answer.
As an additional complication, I haven't figured out what I'm looking for in a relationship, either, or what would be reasonable to look for in a relationship. I do know that I would feel very uncomfortable making someone a part of this life that I don't particularly, on a moment-by-moment basis, enjoy myself - why would I burden someone with childcare/nursing/housework/emotionallabour? - but the few hours I have to myself aren't much time in which to build something valuable with/for a potential partner outside of that.
And the thought of going 50-50 with someone who's facing similar challenges, so that I'm contributing equally to something equal, is... my brain turns off with exhaustion at the thought.
I have also learned, however, that reading books about relationships, doing therapy, and not dating don't seem to get me any closer to figuring out what I want and what I can offer, so putting off serious dating for a few more years is only likely to delay any answers I might find.
Brain is stuck. Your opinions are valued.
I don't think delaying is a good idea. Be upfront about your situation; there may be someone (e.g. someone in a similar situation) it suits.
But you need time to decompress in addition to the 2-3 hours you'd use for a date. You need more help - sorry for asking the obvious, but have you tapped out every possible resource for additional assistance? Are there any changes you can make that could buy you some more free time? Have you and your mom talked about how to cope with what's next?
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:41 PM on February 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
But you need time to decompress in addition to the 2-3 hours you'd use for a date. You need more help - sorry for asking the obvious, but have you tapped out every possible resource for additional assistance? Are there any changes you can make that could buy you some more free time? Have you and your mom talked about how to cope with what's next?
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:41 PM on February 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When I went back into the dating pool with a young child in tow and years of single motherhood behind me I found it very worthwhile to focus on making a space for the kind of person I wanted to be with. I didn't want to be with a drinking man-child like my previous partner so I took a look at my own behaviors and determined what I needed to "be" in order to attract that person. I cut back on drinking, started working out more, reading more and being my best self, the kind of person I wanted to be with. It was interesting because I didn't realize I had sort of slid into some bad habits that would have not want in my partner. I figured even if I didn't meet someone it was an exercise is self-examination that would be worth while. My advice is make the space, think of who you want in your life and be that person. If you feel good about where you are in life, you are more than half way there. The details can fall into place once the foundation is set. We're all a work in progress, so you don't have to delay but just start taking the steps. And have a good time!!
posted by waving at 4:42 PM on February 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by waving at 4:42 PM on February 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
Do you... want to date? If not, don't do it. If so, do it. If you're not sure, give it a try and see if you enjoy it.
I think you're overthinking this. And you're putting unnecessary burden on yourself to conform to some construct of what you think you "should" be doing, per... society? your family? your assumptions about how adult lives are supposed to go?
You should do what you want to do. No one here can tell you that.
posted by tivalasvegas at 4:43 PM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
I think you're overthinking this. And you're putting unnecessary burden on yourself to conform to some construct of what you think you "should" be doing, per... society? your family? your assumptions about how adult lives are supposed to go?
You should do what you want to do. No one here can tell you that.
posted by tivalasvegas at 4:43 PM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
When I broke up with a former boyfriend I did something that was not quite but not far off 50 dates in 50 days. Honestly, I didn't care if the dates were duds; it was just so great to go out and meet people and sit in a bar or a restaurant or whatever and have plans that were about me and my wants.
Go for it.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:44 PM on February 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
Go for it.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:44 PM on February 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
I think dating could be fun for you. Easing back into dating could mean just looking for something casual, nothing serious for now. You don't have to tell people your whole situation if you don't want to, just tell them you've got a lot on your plate. Go to a movie with someone, go for dinner or coffee, just to get out of the house for a little while.
Casual dating means getting to know what kind of guys are out there, and what you like/don't like. That's how you find out what you're looking for. The best way to learn is to get out there and try.
posted by lizbunny at 4:44 PM on February 16, 2016
Casual dating means getting to know what kind of guys are out there, and what you like/don't like. That's how you find out what you're looking for. The best way to learn is to get out there and try.
posted by lizbunny at 4:44 PM on February 16, 2016
I say go for it, as long as you reconcile yourself with your reasons for wanting to "date". Is it because you want friendship, companionship, romance, sex, or commitment? These are all mutually compatible things, of course, but your pathway into a "relationship" (however you define it) is generally going to be from one of those angles.
Without wishing to be crude or invasive, sex is generally a pretty big part of anybody's life, and a desire for it can sometimes manifest as a desire for a relationship. Have you considered engaging professional services for that sort of thing, to see if it "hits the spot", so to speak?
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:58 PM on February 16, 2016
Without wishing to be crude or invasive, sex is generally a pretty big part of anybody's life, and a desire for it can sometimes manifest as a desire for a relationship. Have you considered engaging professional services for that sort of thing, to see if it "hits the spot", so to speak?
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:58 PM on February 16, 2016
Another approach would be to pick some activities that are rewarding in themselves but that might also let you meet potential dates, or people who can invite you to parties where you might meet potential dates. Classes, adult sports teams, etc. Since you have such little time for yourself, it might be nice to make sure you were getting something out of the time you're carving out. It depends on whether dud dates are still fun, I think.
posted by salvia at 5:02 PM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by salvia at 5:02 PM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
I think it really depends on whether you are the kind of person that hates dating or loves dating. And I mean that in a really basic way.
I have plenty of time to date and it is literally a chore for me. Literally. I don't like making small talk with strangers. I don't like a lot of the trappings of online dating. I find it draining and exhausting, but that's mostly because I'm a bit of an introvert.
I have some friends who LOVE dating. They have fun even if the date sort of sucks. They are chatting to the bartender, they are making jokes. Nine times out of ten they have a great night even if they never see the person again.
If part of dating for you is just getting out of the house and being in an adult space, then I think you should definitely do it. I have found online dating a great way to check out new bars and restaurants and get out of my little neck of the woods more.
Also, it's totally ok to just dip your toe in. Try tinder or bumble or ok cupid. Setting up a profile isn't that hard. See if anyone interests you and if they do well great, but if it's sort of a bust well don't force it. I wouldn't overthink it. Go on a couple dates and if you have fun well great, and if it's horrible and you can't believe you wasted the one free night you had, well then now isn't the time.
posted by whoaali at 5:18 PM on February 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have plenty of time to date and it is literally a chore for me. Literally. I don't like making small talk with strangers. I don't like a lot of the trappings of online dating. I find it draining and exhausting, but that's mostly because I'm a bit of an introvert.
I have some friends who LOVE dating. They have fun even if the date sort of sucks. They are chatting to the bartender, they are making jokes. Nine times out of ten they have a great night even if they never see the person again.
If part of dating for you is just getting out of the house and being in an adult space, then I think you should definitely do it. I have found online dating a great way to check out new bars and restaurants and get out of my little neck of the woods more.
Also, it's totally ok to just dip your toe in. Try tinder or bumble or ok cupid. Setting up a profile isn't that hard. See if anyone interests you and if they do well great, but if it's sort of a bust well don't force it. I wouldn't overthink it. Go on a couple dates and if you have fun well great, and if it's horrible and you can't believe you wasted the one free night you had, well then now isn't the time.
posted by whoaali at 5:18 PM on February 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: And the thought of going 50-50 with someone who's facing similar challenges, so that I'm contributing equally to something equal, is... my brain turns off with exhaustion at the thought.
It's a complicated calculus that I don't understand/can't explain but the result is not double the work, it's a shared burden. Something simple to normal people, like a load of laundry or replenishing the bananas, is inconceivable to the fiercely/necessarily independent single parent (so much so that you might even push back against it - I am a pro at this).
But imagine the luxury of stopping on your way home to pick up pistachios, not because you have to, but because they're your sweetheart's favorite and you *can* because he/she's taken your kid to PT tonight.
Much of this respite support can happen with friendships that arise from support/parenting groups too. So I'm recommending dating among peers under the assumption that you already have a solid support network. If not, I'd work on that first. Dating is awful even in uncomplicated situations, and things have a better chance of happening organically out of friend-networks.
posted by headnsouth at 5:25 PM on February 16, 2016 [10 favorites]
It's a complicated calculus that I don't understand/can't explain but the result is not double the work, it's a shared burden. Something simple to normal people, like a load of laundry or replenishing the bananas, is inconceivable to the fiercely/necessarily independent single parent (so much so that you might even push back against it - I am a pro at this).
But imagine the luxury of stopping on your way home to pick up pistachios, not because you have to, but because they're your sweetheart's favorite and you *can* because he/she's taken your kid to PT tonight.
Much of this respite support can happen with friendships that arise from support/parenting groups too. So I'm recommending dating among peers under the assumption that you already have a solid support network. If not, I'd work on that first. Dating is awful even in uncomplicated situations, and things have a better chance of happening organically out of friend-networks.
posted by headnsouth at 5:25 PM on February 16, 2016 [10 favorites]
I don't get the sense that you want to date, but that you feel like it's something you think you should do. If that is that case, no, don't do it. Use that time to build friendships and grow your support network. I know you said not to say it, but you do need time for you, and that time can be spent cultivating relationships with people who will eventually help you with your life and responsibilities, so you can date in good conscience. I don't mean to make assumptions, but your post implied that your mom is your support system, and that's crumbling because of her health. You need a village.
posted by Ruki at 5:27 PM on February 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 5:27 PM on February 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't see any reason in here why you would want to date. If you don't want to, then don't bother. Dating already isn't much fun (if any) when you WANT to do it, much less if you are 98% occupied with a lot of difficult situations and relatives who need caregiving.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:29 PM on February 16, 2016
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:29 PM on February 16, 2016
Best answer: I think salvia, above, suggests a good approach. I myself am married but also have a kid w/ a developmental disability for whom I'm the primary caretaker. I like my limited "time off" to be something that I enjoy in itself, or enjoy doing by myself: if I make new friends while doing it that's an awesome extra. And I don't know if you are already blessed with many platonic friends, but now that you are a caretaker for two family members you could maybe use more friends as well? What I mean is, you might want to think of it more as "Should I consciously try to build more interpersonal connections" or "...try to get more involved in a community"--which could include dating, but other socializing too--instead of only "should I date."
posted by homelystar at 5:36 PM on February 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by homelystar at 5:36 PM on February 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: One thing I've realized as I've gotten older is that you can't wait for life to settle down to go after the things you want. Those things that are happening *are* your life. There will always be things happening, some difficult, some less so. But putting off what you want for some golden future time when things are better...this is a good way to drive yourself deep into a rut and never get to that place where things feel right.
If dating is something you want to do, just do it. It doesn't have to be this huge complicated thing. Just find someone neat, take them out to dinner, and chat. If you enjoy it, so it again. If not, find someone else to take to dinner and chat with. That's all dating really is. By the time / if you start wondering 'how do I fit this person into my life more?' that person will know you enough to help you both figure it out together.
posted by ananci at 6:24 PM on February 16, 2016 [8 favorites]
If dating is something you want to do, just do it. It doesn't have to be this huge complicated thing. Just find someone neat, take them out to dinner, and chat. If you enjoy it, so it again. If not, find someone else to take to dinner and chat with. That's all dating really is. By the time / if you start wondering 'how do I fit this person into my life more?' that person will know you enough to help you both figure it out together.
posted by ananci at 6:24 PM on February 16, 2016 [8 favorites]
you can't wait for life to settle down to go after the things you want. Those things that are happening *are* your life. There will always be things happening, some difficult, some less so. But putting off what you want for some golden future time when things are better...this is a good way to drive yourself deep into a rut and never get to that place where things feel right
QFT
But also please do talk to a geriatric social worker, and someone from organizations representing the issues your loved ones are facing, and find out what you can about programs like this; if your mom's been a part of a religious community, someone might be willing to pitch in now and then. It will really help you to try to find some kind of space for yourself, between all these responsibilities, and I think you need to plan this stuff in proactively. Also, keep an eye on the long-term plan, and keep your mind open to different approaches and ways to make them happen. Because, I know people who've done something like what you're doing 100% alone, and it was hard. Especially for men. If there's any way it can be less hard, take it. And find someone to talk to. I think it's ok to talk about your life as it is - it's your life! Not a few people have lives like yours, they'll want to share too - but 2nd headnsouth that it would be good to have a place to express frustration when it's happening right then. It will come up anyway - and that is fine - but take all the support you can. Check out the forums at www.caring.com to see how people manage. (I think you really must carve time for yourself or risk paying too high a price.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:39 PM on February 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
QFT
But also please do talk to a geriatric social worker, and someone from organizations representing the issues your loved ones are facing, and find out what you can about programs like this; if your mom's been a part of a religious community, someone might be willing to pitch in now and then. It will really help you to try to find some kind of space for yourself, between all these responsibilities, and I think you need to plan this stuff in proactively. Also, keep an eye on the long-term plan, and keep your mind open to different approaches and ways to make them happen. Because, I know people who've done something like what you're doing 100% alone, and it was hard. Especially for men. If there's any way it can be less hard, take it. And find someone to talk to. I think it's ok to talk about your life as it is - it's your life! Not a few people have lives like yours, they'll want to share too - but 2nd headnsouth that it would be good to have a place to express frustration when it's happening right then. It will come up anyway - and that is fine - but take all the support you can. Check out the forums at www.caring.com to see how people manage. (I think you really must carve time for yourself or risk paying too high a price.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:39 PM on February 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I read your post several times. In short, I think you should try dating. I am a divorced father of three who dates. First, I can tell you that there is not a person over the age of let's say 30 (but probably much younger) that does not have baggage, obligations, responsibilities and general mishigas (craziness). Yours may be a little more demanding or harder to alter, but certainly not a cement wall in front of a possible relationship.
I can only look at it from my point of view, but if I were to go on a date with a woman who had similar life circumstances it would not be a deal breaker for me. One, to me, the issue is not what your issues or obligations are, but, rather, how you deal with them. You seem to have a good handle on them. Two, I would be leery of a person who is looking for a relationship that would lead specifically to another hand to help out. That is obviously not your goal here. Three, if this person treats their family members like you do and is obviously devoted to them, it is a pretty good indication to me that were we to be in a relationship that I too would be a priority. I do think after 2 or 3 dates, that I would have to assess if I was willing to be a part of your entire life and not just date night fun, but that is true of anyone I date, not just someone with seemingly immense time consuming obligations.
I would not rule out dating because I was worried about the other side and how they would react to your situation. That is sort of like negotiating against yourself. Let your dates know of your limited time initially and let them make the decision whether to get involved or not.
posted by AugustWest at 7:15 PM on February 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
I can only look at it from my point of view, but if I were to go on a date with a woman who had similar life circumstances it would not be a deal breaker for me. One, to me, the issue is not what your issues or obligations are, but, rather, how you deal with them. You seem to have a good handle on them. Two, I would be leery of a person who is looking for a relationship that would lead specifically to another hand to help out. That is obviously not your goal here. Three, if this person treats their family members like you do and is obviously devoted to them, it is a pretty good indication to me that were we to be in a relationship that I too would be a priority. I do think after 2 or 3 dates, that I would have to assess if I was willing to be a part of your entire life and not just date night fun, but that is true of anyone I date, not just someone with seemingly immense time consuming obligations.
I would not rule out dating because I was worried about the other side and how they would react to your situation. That is sort of like negotiating against yourself. Let your dates know of your limited time initially and let them make the decision whether to get involved or not.
posted by AugustWest at 7:15 PM on February 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
As an additional complication, I haven't figured out what I'm looking for in a relationship, either, or what would be reasonable to look for in a relationship.
So dating can be wearying, even though it's supposed to be fun. It can be a chore unless you go out with the right person, and they have the right attitude (like if there's no romantic chemistry, let's be friends, it's no big deal). Some guys take it really hard when you don't want to go out again, even the ones who are supposed to be mature. These guys are the ones that turn it into a huge chore. And it takes a lot of energy and a bit of focus to get through periods of dating fatigue and then to stay positive and not suddenly just get wary of all dudes.
You seem like a really together person, and I think whatever would make you happy and calm would be a reasonable want in a romantic relationship. I think looking for new friends of both sexes for new non-romantic friendships instead of hitting the dating scene might be more nourishing to your spirit, honestly.
posted by discopolo at 7:46 PM on February 16, 2016
So dating can be wearying, even though it's supposed to be fun. It can be a chore unless you go out with the right person, and they have the right attitude (like if there's no romantic chemistry, let's be friends, it's no big deal). Some guys take it really hard when you don't want to go out again, even the ones who are supposed to be mature. These guys are the ones that turn it into a huge chore. And it takes a lot of energy and a bit of focus to get through periods of dating fatigue and then to stay positive and not suddenly just get wary of all dudes.
You seem like a really together person, and I think whatever would make you happy and calm would be a reasonable want in a romantic relationship. I think looking for new friends of both sexes for new non-romantic friendships instead of hitting the dating scene might be more nourishing to your spirit, honestly.
posted by discopolo at 7:46 PM on February 16, 2016
OP hasn't said they're a woman, and I do not believe they are
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:21 PM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:21 PM on February 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: With all due respect to my AskMe family, the suggestion to just go on a few dates is akin to suggesting someone just flies to Mars for the day. You're not seeing all the work it involves.
I feel ya; I raised my kids alone and I appreciate that people mean well with the advice to just get OUT THERE, but getting out there takes a lot of energy.
I wish I had an easy answer. I wish I had ANY answer. All I can tell you is that I know exactly how you feel. With extremely limited spare time, I don't want to create a dating profile and wade through messages and spend a few hours meeting some perfectly nice people and some perfectly awful ones. In my rare hours off, I want to go to yoga and maybe get a drink with an old friend. I don't have the energy or TIME to go on dates.
And the suggestion to go out and make new friends--HOW does that happen? Do I wear a sign around my neck? I've tried Meetups and they've been fine but not something I want to keep doing.
If there were some type of portal that could just blast me forward past all of that nonsense and voila there was a suitable date, I'd sign up. But it's the process that exhausts me.
If you lived near Boston, I'd hang out with you, fwiw. I wish I had a better answer for you, but wanted you to know you're far from alone.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:48 AM on February 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I feel ya; I raised my kids alone and I appreciate that people mean well with the advice to just get OUT THERE, but getting out there takes a lot of energy.
I wish I had an easy answer. I wish I had ANY answer. All I can tell you is that I know exactly how you feel. With extremely limited spare time, I don't want to create a dating profile and wade through messages and spend a few hours meeting some perfectly nice people and some perfectly awful ones. In my rare hours off, I want to go to yoga and maybe get a drink with an old friend. I don't have the energy or TIME to go on dates.
And the suggestion to go out and make new friends--HOW does that happen? Do I wear a sign around my neck? I've tried Meetups and they've been fine but not something I want to keep doing.
If there were some type of portal that could just blast me forward past all of that nonsense and voila there was a suitable date, I'd sign up. But it's the process that exhausts me.
If you lived near Boston, I'd hang out with you, fwiw. I wish I had a better answer for you, but wanted you to know you're far from alone.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:48 AM on February 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm not a woman, but discopolo's thoughts about the chore of dating applies in both directions. :-)
posted by clawsoon at 7:20 AM on February 17, 2016
posted by clawsoon at 7:20 AM on February 17, 2016
Response by poster: Also: I've never found dating "fun". It's easy for me to fall into relationships that I don't particularly want to be in just because I dislike dating so much. Breaking up with someone - ugh! Going on a bunch of dates with random people - ugh! And then when I do fall for someone, and they don't fall for me... ugh.
posted by clawsoon at 7:26 AM on February 17, 2016
posted by clawsoon at 7:26 AM on February 17, 2016
Best answer: I find that my "I'm lonely but dating is hell and I would honestly rather light myself on fire than go on a typical date ever again" feelings generally come from a place of needing more emotional support in my life. I don't necessarily want a partner (because the logistics of getting there are overwhelming) but I do want someone who will listen to me when I want to talk and hold my hand when I'm sick and be invested in my well-being beyond needing me to be well enough to care for them. I have some friends who are lovely and supportive and help fill this but it doesn't quite scratch the "be there for me" itch.
I would suggest that you first try to figure out what you want from a relationship. Write down some words/adjectives that you think of when you think of the kind of relationship you'd want to have. Do you want to go out or stay in (or both)? Do you want to bring them home and include them in your family or are you looking for someone who has their own life going on (or both)? Do you want to do creative things together or spontaneous things or activity things? You might find that you can scratch the itch by doing things other than dating - like pottery class or something. You might find that you really do specifically want a romantic relationship and nothing else will help. You might find that you want a relationship but only if you can get there without having to do typical dating.
Only you can decide if something is worth the time/energy it would take.
(Also I find the 50/50 concept to be a bit alienating when dealing with illness/disability. I read something that reframed it as "everyone does 100% of what they can do". What kind of relationship would it take for you want to do 100% of what you can do?)
posted by buteo at 11:44 AM on February 17, 2016
I would suggest that you first try to figure out what you want from a relationship. Write down some words/adjectives that you think of when you think of the kind of relationship you'd want to have. Do you want to go out or stay in (or both)? Do you want to bring them home and include them in your family or are you looking for someone who has their own life going on (or both)? Do you want to do creative things together or spontaneous things or activity things? You might find that you can scratch the itch by doing things other than dating - like pottery class or something. You might find that you really do specifically want a romantic relationship and nothing else will help. You might find that you want a relationship but only if you can get there without having to do typical dating.
Only you can decide if something is worth the time/energy it would take.
(Also I find the 50/50 concept to be a bit alienating when dealing with illness/disability. I read something that reframed it as "everyone does 100% of what they can do". What kind of relationship would it take for you want to do 100% of what you can do?)
posted by buteo at 11:44 AM on February 17, 2016
Dating is supposed to be fun. If you aren't having fun, that eliminates a big reason to date. Figure out dates that you'd have fun on.
posted by Mr. Justice at 9:20 PM on February 17, 2016
posted by Mr. Justice at 9:20 PM on February 17, 2016
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Or maybe there's a local group/recurring event you can go to instead? Poetry slam, adult volleyball class, whatever. You could do that, do something fun and relaxing that's just for you, and maybe make a friend or romantic connection along the way? With the idea being that you can get some good social interaction outside of your responsibilities, which seems like one really important thing you'd get from a relationship right now.
posted by polychromie at 4:34 PM on February 16, 2016 [10 favorites]