Kindergarten! Help with an anxious child.

February 1, 2019 9:19 AM

The MrFuga spawn is starting kinder in the fall. Questions about kindergarten (both specific to LA and not) abound! Blizzard after the fold.

It's looking likely that we will be moving to LA this summer. We have a place in the Beverly Hills School District and the assigned school is Beverly Vista Elementary.

Spawnlet has attended a very small, sweet private preschool for two years. She does well here but is still anxious about "big kids," "noisy boys," and "new things." The kinder we are assigned is a large-ish elementary school (~600 kids K-8). I am worried she will not thrive in a large environment.

Questions:
1. Have you successfully transitioned your anxious child to a larger/anonymous elementary school? What are best practices?
2. If you had the option to keep them in private kinder and start first grade in a larger school, would you? Why or why not?
3. Is an all-girls school a good option at this age? She does not like boys because they are "loud and rowdy." She has opined many times that she wishes to go to an all-girls school.
4. (LA specific) If you are in BHSD, can you apply for magnet programs in LAUSD?
5. (LA specific) If you have children at BHSD schools, what has been your experience?

I'm a big public school advocate, but I don't want to make my kid hate school. We could do private school, but the main ones in LA have already begun application processes, so she wouldn't get in until first anyway. Is doing kinder at a Montessori school and then transitioning going to be worse? Am I overthinking this? Anxious mom plus anxious kid is super fun times for everyone!

posted by mrfuga0 to Education (9 answers total)

1. My younger son was very anxious, and we started him in kindergarten at our local public elementary. Our school was smaller though, kindergarten class sizes were set to 20 kids per class (older grades did have larger class sizes, but kindergarten was set at 20). That really helped us with our decision to send him to public school, because his preschool class was 18 kids and he was able to thrive in that environment. You might ask about class sizes, if there are paraeducators in the classroom, and if parent volunteers are allowed as well.

2. I had friends who did Montessori who kept their kids in the same school through kindergarten, and then transitioned to public school for first grade. I think that would be the only way I would do it, because it was only one transition, rather than preschool-kindergarten-public school (two transitions).

3. I only have boys. I have to say, I would work on your daughter's attitude that boys are "loud and rowdy". My younger son did not talk in public his first two years in public school, and his best friends were all girls. He didn't talk because the teacher made such a BIG DEAL about how talking would get you on Yellow or Red (he wanted to stay on Green). It got to the point where we always had teacher conferences because he would only talk when called on. So, your daughter's perceptions are ruling out ALL boys, and that's not a good thing to do, especially at such a young age. Both my sons are friends with boys and girls because they see similarities with their friendships, instead of ruling out differences.
posted by alathia at 9:35 AM on February 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I would try to reduce the number of transitions and not do a different K and then move in 1st.
posted by k8t at 9:44 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Ask a Magnet Yenta is a great resource for information on LAUSD magnet schools.

My daughter went to a K-6 school in LAUSD and the kindergarten classrooms and play area were separated from the older kids - that seems to be the norm for most schools I've seen here.

I have thoughts on some of your other questions - check your Memail.
posted by mogget at 9:52 AM on February 1, 2019

Whatever school you choose, you can ask parents of your child's future classmates to have some playdates over the summer. That way, when school starts, your child will already have some familiar faces and the beginnings of friendships.
posted by xo at 9:53 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Angeleno here, though I'm in LAUSD. Seconding the idea that even at the largest schools, usually the kinder classroom(s), playground, bathroom are set off in some way from the great mass of the rest of the school. I'd encourage you to visit the school to see what the situation is.

My kid also came from a touchy-feely super delicate preschool, and what I found was that this made him actually have an easier transition to kindergarten because he had the social skills that the delicate preschools teach -- that ability to express what he was feeling without screaming or hitting, etc. He couldn't read or write yet, but his kinder teacher said she wished all kids would be as prepared as he was.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:05 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

You could reach out to the administration and see if you can talk to the potential teachers about your concerns. Our oldest moved from a tiny school to a much bigger campus mid-year, and though he's in 2nd grade, he was anxious in some ways that sound similar to your daughter.

His new teacher has been great, and we've been able to talk with her about his anxiety, which has made him more comfortable. He got on with his new classmates without a problem, and it has been the structure of the class that has made him the most anxious. I think he had a new best friend after the first day, in addition to joining what sounds like an existing little group of kids.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:21 AM on February 1, 2019

I transitioned my boys from Montessori in grade one. I was okay with that choice, but it was a harder transition in terms of the other kids having adapted to some of the elementary school routines and them feeling left out.

I would gently push back on a few of your ideas.

A big elementary school can be institutional feeling, especially in terms of policies and procedures and dealing with the administration. But your daughter isn't going to an anonymous place, she'll be in a kindergarten classroom which will be its own community.

One difference though I think is that there sometimes is less individual attention with things like getting shoes on, putting appropriate outdoor clothing on, etc. Probably less of an issue in LA than Toronto, but anything you can do to have her feel confident about managing her clothing and belongings will give her a hand in going in/leaving time.

If you can go and let her play on the appropriate playground (kindergarten/elementary) that will also give her a comfort with the space that might be helpful.

As a mom of boys, I did wince at the assumptions in that particular fear of your daughter's and the proposed solution, as a woman who went to all-girls camp, that girls' schools are nicer also made me wince. But it's true that elementary school playgrounds (usually separate from kindergarten ones, at least here) can be a bit rowdy. However, a lot of larger "rowdy boys" will be suuuuuuuuuper sweet and caring to little kindergarten kids of all stripes, more so than when it's a same-age grouping.

My own approach (YMMV) would be to put her in some activities where there are rowdy kids in a controlled environment and shorter timeframe - gymnastics, t-ball, soccer, swimming, martial arts, general summer camps but the half day ones - so that she can gain confidence and her own way of navigating around those things. It might mean she spends a few classes or a term somewhat on the sidelines while she adapts, but then she'll see that rowdy boys are very rarely rowdy AT little girls, they're just tearing around playing dodgeball or whatever.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:51 AM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Also: Source: I oversee some martial arts programs including after-school programs, involving a lot of shy girls, whose parents put them in to build confidence, and rowdy boys, whose parents put them in to give them an active activity. These two groups actually often get along really well if it's a solid instructional approach.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:54 AM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

One thing that helped my son warm up to the idea of kindergarten in a K-8 school is the idea that he will go there for 9 years, and one day he will be one of the big kids. He has a sense of ownership about the school because he will go there all the way until high school, even if he is still wary of the rowdiest big kids. To be honest, that sense of continuity helps me, too - I went to huge suburban elementary, middle, and junior high schools instead of an urban K-8, and the multiple transitions sucked for many reasons.

Does your school do any big kid/little kid mentoring? My son has a 5th/6th grade “big buddy” who he won’t talk much about but seems to look forward to seeing on Fridays. The older kids watch out for their “littles” on the school bus, too, which is really sweet.

I’ve been surprised at how much my son’s class self-segregates by gender, but one upside is that the more physical boys tend to hang around with each other on the playground and during choice time. At his school recess time is separated by grade, so there’s just 3 classss of kindergarteners running around at once.

Another thing that has surprised me is a sudden round of fierce nostalgia for preschool that hit a couple months ago. My son kept talking about how much he missed his teacher and the routines there. If your kiddo really loves her current school, maybe that will hit her harder or sooner - tough to tell, though.
posted by Maarika at 5:34 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]