Should I ask for another shot? Or were we actually terribly mismatched?
January 20, 2019 4:04 PM   Subscribe

I've had a really rough couple of years, and spent 2016-2018 recovering from a confluence of events that entailed a layoff, a hostile roommate situation and a breakup, followed up by a plus-yearlong spell of unemployment, depression and what I now realize was an abusive relationship. And for about six weeks or so in the very last bit of 2018, I was incandescently happy with someone who broke up with me the day before New Years. I hope we broke up due to circumstances and not because we were fundamentally mismatched -- but I don't trust my own judgement because I'm carrying around a lot of relationship baggage. Should I ask him to try again?

Hi y'all.

I've had a really rough couple of years, and spent 2016-2018 recovering from a confluence of events that entailed a layoff, a hostile roommate situation and a breakup, followed up by a plus-yearlong spell of unemployment, depression and what I now realize was an abusive relationship.

Wow -- that's quite a lot, actually. The good news is that I've been steadily employed at a company for a year and a half. I love my team and I'm very grateful to be there. I'm living alone for the first time, safe in my own space. I'm on antidepressants. I broke up with the abusive boyfriend at the beginning of 2018. And for about six weeks or so in the very last bit of 2018, I was incandescently happy with someone who broke up with me the day before New Years.

I had met him at a mutual friend's party, thought he was a good conversationalist and got his number back in April. (I also got a few other numbers that evening, just to clarify -- I was looking to explore being social again after I had regained a sense of stability. He had a girlfriend of two years and I definitely did not feel ready to date). I went on living my life, went to Greece for a wedding, and then remembered to text him back in July, and we had dinner and I met his girlfriend and I thought they were a lovely couple.

Fast-forward to early November, where I had just gotten back from Germany and showed up to the same friend's house jet-lagged and hungry, and he was there. We struck up a conversation, I promptly put my foot in my mouth when I asked after his girlfriend and it turned out she had broken up with him shortly after we had dinner in the summer. I apologized and invited him to a party that I was throwing as a way to re-establish myself socially. He did not go, but he texted me a week later to say hi, which turned into a 4 hour conversation on the phone, and then we were off to the races.

I have somehow become a pretty social and outgoing person over the years, though I consider myself an introvert (ENFP/INFP for those who care). I have a wide support network, and I'm good at maintaining relationships -- that kind of emotional labor is something I shoulder easily. We met at a funny time where I was slowly coming out of my self-imposed recuperation period, and I had already planned on socializing quite heavily during the holidays in order to reconnect with friends. My ex was jealous and controlling of my time. He insisted on being poly, knowing I was uncomfortable with it, and yet would turn sulky when I had plans with other people. When I tried to include him, he would be clingy and possessive, and then angry with me afterwards because I hadn’t paid enough attention to him. Eventually I stopped trying to include him altogether because trying to decipher his desires was a game I could not win.

Going in, I knew this new guy was a self-professed introvert. He and his ex were living separately when I first met them and I remembered she had teased him because he liked his space. The fact that it was peak holiday season meant that my social calendar was especially full, and I chose to accommodate his introversion by making it explicitly clear that while he was welcome and invited to any event I was attending, he absolutely did not have to come if he was not feeling it. But he never said no.

On the contrary, he seemed to be the most socially adept person I ever dated, and I confided to friends that he was handling everything so well. He invited me to his childhood friend's birthday gathering and was open about the fact that he was seeing me with our mutual friends. He invited me to spend Christmas Eve with his family (apparently this was not a big deal for him; I felt it was too much and opted to spend Christmas day with him instead, as we both do not really care about Christmas). He invited me to a friend's NYE party a month in advance (this did not pan out, obviously). There was no coyness; we were both open about wanting a monogamous relationship. He texted me everyday, and was very responsive to my texts, and would ask to talk on the phone almost every day, despite being sick with a painful cough that lasted weeks. I was flattered, but wary -- it seemed too good. He was treating me too well? He offered to drive up from his city in the South Bay to mine to give me a ride to the airport (SFO) -- I freaked out a bit and said it was a lot, but he told me he thought it was a normal gesture to make. I chalked it up to me still carrying baggage around from my previous relationship and that I had lost sight of what a normal, healthy relationship looked like. But it was so fast. At one point I asked him if we were moving too quickly, and he pointed out that we were no longer young. He had a point. I'm 34 and he's 37 -- we've been through our fair share of long-term relationships and I know what I'm looking for. It looked a lot like this guy -- steady, reliable, thoughtful -- all along the same lines as my serious former partners.

And then, one weekend, it blew up. We had gone to his place after a birthday party, where the situation wasn't optimal -- a larger group than I expected, many people he didn't know. I checked to see if he was ok, and he said he was fine. (Afterwards he said that it was one of the worst things I could have done to set him at ease). In the car afterwards he said he was having a hard time with this, and I apologized for pushing him, and said I would lay off the events. I thought it was the first sign he had given about being overwhelmed. The next day we spent quietly and then played some boardgames with his neighbors. But I could tell something was off, and Sunday I woke up irritable because I hadn't planned on staying the weekend at his place. He was also uneasy and said something about needing to run away to the woods -- this seemed completely reasonable to me, but he seemed so tense. I asked him bluntly if anything was wrong, and after some hesitation, he said that he wasn't sure if it was the holidays or whether my schedule was always like this, but our social calibration was so far apart that he thought we were fundamentally not a good match. I was blindsided because I thought I had been so careful to be mindful of his boundaries, but we were moving so fast -- I told him it was just the holidays, and that it was hasty to assume so based off dating for six weeks, but he seemed certain that this was how I operated all the time. I think because I had expected an explicit "no", I missed more subtle signals of when he was uncomfortable.

For example, he told me several times that he was an introvert and prone to depression, and that he loved spending time alone. His behavior seemed to tell a different story; I was operating at max capacity, almost to the point of exhaustion, and I was surprised that he was willing to spend as much time with me as he did. I assumed that he perhaps we extremely self-deprecating about his social tolerance. He did tell me that he had taken CBD oil prior to his corporate ice skating event because he wasn't sure of the situation he was walking into, and in hindsight I should have thought through the implications of what he had told me. I deal with anxiety and depression, but mine is of a very different sort this his -- I would have never reacted to an unknown situation in that way, and so I think I failed to grasp how serious his anxiety was. (He is not on any medication, though he said that he should be on antidepressants; when I asked why, he said that he felt like he would have lost, a statement that we both acknowledged wasn't really the healthiest way to look at the situation).

He also said that he would never be able to keep up with me, and that I would grow to resent him because I would feel like he was neglecting me. What kind of life would it be for me, he asked, if I only saw him once a week? I was confused because we had never really discussed this -- I never pressured him to come out with me, but perhaps while I said those words, he didn't really trust or feel safe enough to say no. And quite frankly once a week sounds fine to me -- I've worked hard for my independence and completely self-sufficient; I absolutely do not require my partner to go out with me. I like the idea of doing my thing and then coming home to someone. But once he said these things, I deflated -- it seemed apparent that he had already made up his mind to break up with me. I was exhausted and needed to get out of there -- I didn't think any useful discussion could occur while we were both so emotional. I asked if we could talk about this after we had both calmed down. He said ok, but that he didn't think he would change his mind. I didn't care -- I just didn't think we could talk about it reasonably then. He insisted on driving me back to San Francisco because he didn't want me to spent the money on a rideshare and I did not want deal with the prospect of a long trip back home on public transit. He hugged me and said he would call, but I didn't think he would.

He texted me a very neutral message the next day, on NYE, hoping I was well, and then another a week later: "I don't have much to say, but I hope you're doing well". I didn't reply until I had a chance to process what had happened, and finally texted back "I always have a lot to say, as you know :). I'm doing well, thanks."

Upon reflection and much bean-plating, I feel like I was so caught up in the relationship and the speed at which it was progressing that I wasn't really able to pick up what he was putting down in terms of his communication style. I feel terrible that I contributed to the stress that he was obviously feeling. I also know that it was the happiest I had been for years, and I was lucky enough to be aware of my happiness during this time. Our rapport seemed easy and natural. That said, he did catch me at a time where I was incredibly busy reclaiming my life, and I fear that he got overwhelmed and caught up in his own head.

Optimistically, I think if the timing and circumstances had been different, we would have hopefully proceeded more slowly and allowed the relationship to breathe a bit more. I threw so many invites at him as a way to indicate that he was welcome in my life, which seems like a reaction to my dynamic with my ex -- I didn't realize that I was still carrying the reverberations of that relationship, in several ways. I do want to reach out to him to ask to try again. I've put off responding in any real way. (I do want to feel heard, but that's only for me). It seems like the best scenario is that we got caught in a pressure cooker of circumstances, and now that the holidays are over I would hope we could start over with a clean slate and a more nuanced understanding of his communication style. What is my best move here? How should I proceed? Or am I deluding myself and we are a fundamental mismatch?
posted by blue rare to Human Relations (15 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't think it matters if he dumped you because you're fundamentally incompatible, because he's decided he no longer likes your hair color, or for any other reason. Him wanting to leave is enough of a reason to stop dating and not start again.

In the wildly unlikely event that he changes his mind, he will let you know. Otherwise, you dated a guy you thought was great for six weeks, and then he dumped you. It sucks, but there's other guys out there. I feel like trying to convince him to give you another shot is not a good idea.
posted by bagel at 4:22 PM on January 20, 2019 [18 favorites]


I think your best move is to chalk this one up as a learning experience, and let him go. After six weeks together, you already know that you have a significant communication disconnect with this person, and that he apparently handles relationship problems by dropping hints instead of speaking up about his needs, acting in ways that contradict what he says about himself, and keeping everything bottled up until his feelings reach a breaking point -- that's not the kind of thing that changes once the holidays are over, unfortunately.

There are few things in the world that hurt more than trying to convince someone who doesn't love you that you're worthy of their love. Don't put yourself through that.
posted by palomar at 4:25 PM on January 20, 2019 [39 favorites]


I checked to see if he was ok, and he said he was fine. (Afterwards he said that it was one of the worst things I could have done to set him at ease).

Yeah... no. There's no way that a check-in of the type you did should be objectionable to any grown-up.

Like others have said: learning experience. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it's not you. Best of luck in finding a compatible, fun partner in the new year!
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:46 PM on January 20, 2019 [29 favorites]


He sounds sulky and immature. You have nothing to feel bad about. There was nothing stopping him from saying “That party sounds fun, but I’ll think I’ll stay home and decompress. Have a great time!” These are really basic adult communication skills that he doesn’t have. You dodged a bullet.
posted by cakelite at 4:55 PM on January 20, 2019 [16 favorites]


You deserve someone who communicates directly and who becomes more and more excited and happy as the relationship progresses. Someone who is delighted to spend not only NYE together with you but also the entire new year! We meet people at different stages in our lives: sometimes the timing seems perfect and things are easy. Usually the timing is not perfect but we find ourselves happily shifting and growing so that the effort feels effortless or at least totally worth it. You say it seemed too good to be true but really I'm seeing you do nearly all of the heavy lifting here.

I'm sorry that this was not the relationship you had hoped for after so many years of difficulty. I hear you -- I've been there, too, and it sucks when it doesn't work out. We feel we finally are ready and know what we deserve, even as we start to find ourselves settling for less. However, the positive here is that things ended earlier rather than later, and this little fling was a good warm-up for the truly good relationship coming your way in the near or far future. It may not feel like it now but this is a sign that you are making so much progress! I wish you wouldn't doubt that or second guess yourself but that's pretty natural; I'd be feeling the same way. But if it isn't fuck yes, then it's a no. However (understandably) sad or deflating this is now, it will be for the best long-term. I promise you!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:57 PM on January 20, 2019 [8 favorites]


Also, to dissect things a bit more because it can feel reassuring to hear from others as you play it back in your mind many times:

"He said ok, but that he didn't think he would change his mind. I didn't care -- I just didn't think we could talk about it reasonably then. He insisted on driving me back to San Francisco because he didn't want me to spent the money on a rideshare and I did not want deal with the prospect of a long trip back home on public transit."

I know you think he was being kind by doing this but he was just doing it to be kind to himself, to appease his guilt a bit. Please don't read into it any more. I know that someone giving rides can feel really meaningful when you don't have a car but, as someone who does, this is something I'd do for nearly anyone, even just a colleague or an acquaintance.

"He hugged me and said he would call, but I didn't think he would."

You guessed correctly because he didn't. He didn't want to be a total jerk but he should just have said nothing -- or let you get home on your own as not to draw it out. Good job for recognizing his patterns of saying one thing and doing another, and not even owning up to it.

"He texted me a very neutral message the next day, on NYE, hoping I was well, and then another a week later: "I don't have much to say, but I hope you're doing well". I didn't reply until I had a chance to process what had happened, and finally texted back "I always have a lot to say, as you know :). I'm doing well, thanks.""

Ugh! Ugh to him, not to you: fuck him for breaking up and then sending you a blah message on NYE that would rub salt into your wound and/or give you false hope. And the second message? Such a baby, wanting your attention/validation but also doing nothing for you. He could have said a lot of other things or, better yet, said nothing at all. A message like that could be harmless but not in this situation. Again, I'm sorry but you dodged a bullet or at least a drawn-out relationship with someone immature and emotionally unavailable but also too selfish to take a step back and let you move on. Fortunately, you can do that yourself now!
posted by smorgasbord at 5:08 PM on January 20, 2019 [8 favorites]


Give yourself the gift of staying single long enough to find a partner who can use communication between states of “I’m saying nothing about a situation or my needs” and “must break up NOW.”

Also, it’s probable that if that were the only thing, he’d have dealt with it differently. In the end, he didn’t want to date. Go find someone who really wants to date you!
posted by warriorqueen at 5:32 PM on January 20, 2019 [11 favorites]


The hardest part of very short lived relationships of this sort is that they seem so promising and deliriously happy, until they abruptly don’t. You never had time to really see the “bad (aka real) side” and are left only memories of the awesome “good side”. Years on, I know that I dodged my own personal bullet from the guy who was going to “be with me forever” until a month later when he was conflicted, to a week later, he was done. Hurt like hell, worst than most break ups. But I see now that it was because I never had to endure his natural avoidance in a long term relationship.
posted by murrey at 6:33 PM on January 20, 2019 [15 favorites]


I don't think you should want this back, but even beyond that, if there's something a little delusional about this--and I say this having been there--it's the idea that you're going to go suggest getting back together and the guy who dumped you just a few weeks ago is going to think that sounds like a fine idea. If he *did* go for it I'd say that was even more reason not to date him. It doesn't need, at six weeks, to be a "fundamental mismatch" to be a permanent breakup. It doesn't even need to be that at six months, or six years. Unfortunately, one of the things it can be is just "somebody else's idea". You don't get to take it back, because it wasn't your decision.
posted by Sequence at 6:46 PM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


Agreed that most adults wouldn’t be bothered by you checking to see if he’s okay. The fact that he did tells me he’s kind of a baby and wanted to find a reason to be mad or uncomfortable. You’d be stuck in a relationship with someone you couldn’t read or trust to tell you anything about his mood, and you’d have to walk on eggshells all the time, wondering when it’s safe to ask how he feels or if he’s alright or enjoying himself, etc.

You sound cool and he’s not worthy.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 7:18 PM on January 20, 2019 [3 favorites]


I wonder if things felt so dreamy and ideal between you for those 6 weeks precisely because he was hiding his true thoughts/feelings from you. I understand how it could be seductive to think of that month and a half as *real* and the last couple days as a weird aberration, but it sounds like it's actually the reverse -- the way things were in those last couple of days (strained, awkward, marked by bad communication) was actually how the relationship was the whole time -- he just prevented you from knowing that.
posted by attentionplease at 8:06 PM on January 20, 2019 [15 favorites]


As a note, all the things you said about things going fast and him offering big gestures very early send off warning notes in my head. Super fast early relationship progression can be a warning sign of abuse. I was in a relationship once where a guy started talking marriage after two weeks and then two months later was saying he didn't know why he ever went out with me. (It turned into 9 months of emotional abuse hell cause I didn't know any better.) So, honestly, I think you may have dodged a bullet.

Sounds like he wanted to quickly lock into the relationship but ended up resenting the amount of work it was due to all the socializing. Where, as everyone has said, a healthy person would have just opted out.
posted by threeturtles at 8:50 PM on January 20, 2019 [5 favorites]


I'm terrifically cynical so take this with a grain of salt if you will, but is there any chance that his ex was going to be at that NYE party? The timing of the break-up just seems convenient.

I spent too much of my thirties tying myself in knots over men running hot then cold over what seemed to me to be minor issues that never seemed well articulated or something that couldn't be resolved. Lo and behold it would turn out they either were, or wanted to start, banging someone else and didn't have the maturity to be honest about it. Would have saved me a lot of grief if I had just known it really, honestly, wasn't me. My experience only, so apologies if it doesn't apply.

Aside from that yes the love bombing at the start was a red flag. Seconding that you may have dodged a very large bullet.
posted by arha at 10:52 PM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]


There are a lot of comments in this thread calling him childish or immature for what sounds like normal introverted behavior.

Calling attention to an introvert's social performance makes them anxious about it. Calling attention to someone's stutter makes the stutter worse. Calling attention to someone's minority status makes them perform worse.
posted by Phssthpok at 1:48 AM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]


I hope we broke up due to circumstances and not because we were fundamentally mismatched -- but I don't trust my own judgement because I'm carrying around a lot of relationship baggage.

This wasn't a "we broke up", this is a person telling you they don't want to see you anymore. It doesn't matter why they told you this. Respect their boundaries, don't try to persuade them they were wrong.
posted by yohko at 9:14 AM on January 22, 2019


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