Is this so wrong if it feels so right?

February 24, 2006 7:49 AM

Selfabuse filter. I used to smoke 2 cigarettes every night before bed and I quit recently. I did fine for the first week, but looking back at the past 2 weeks, I've started drinking more at night, popping Vicodin, or taking the odd Benadryl before bed. So clearly I have some strong need to abuse myself in some way before the day's out - has anyone else done this, and if so, how did you deal with it?

It's weird: I'll just be tooling around at night, and then before I know it I'm in witching hour and I have this strong need - not to get fucked up, just to have some intoxicant, whether it's nicotine, alcohol, analgesics or sleeping aids in my system. And not because I have some problem sleeping either - I think it's more to do with switching off from myself. Or maybe that's not such a bad thing and I'm worrying over nothing?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (26 comments total)

Popping occasional Vicodin? Abusing OTC cold medications?

That's neither healthy nor normal. I would go talk to my doctor really soon and tell him what you've told us.

Also, you might try substituting good behaviors for bad. When you get the urge to take prescription drugs for no apparent reason try going for a run instead.
posted by bshort at 8:01 AM on February 24, 2006

My advice was going to be "just stop!" but bshort's on the money with the substitution. Not only will it keep you occupied until the urge passes, but if it turns out not to pass maybe you'll be too exhausted by then to shuffle through the medicine cabinet.

One thing to keep in mind is just that it's pretty much all a mental issue, so if you have the resolve to stop it there's nothing that can get in your way except yourself. I always thing that that POV is a nice way to shame oneself into not giving in.
posted by soma lkzx at 8:08 AM on February 24, 2006

Try bshort's advice of substituting some other bedtime ritual. It doesn't have to be anything virtuous, either. Have a snack, play with yourself, whatever.
posted by orange swan at 8:10 AM on February 24, 2006

Perhaps substitute with the more traditional self abuse?
posted by zonkout at 8:11 AM on February 24, 2006

Physically, I don't know if one or two drinks a day or a Vicodin or a benadryl is bad. As long as you're not increasing due to tolerance or using them all at once. I know plenty of people who get high, have a highball or take some sort of other depressant before sleeping and they are perfectly normal. Of course if you go from popping Vikes at night to getting your fix in the morning too you probably want to ease back.
posted by geoff. at 8:31 AM on February 24, 2006

I find it strange that a cigarette, which has a fairly small effect on happiness/zoned levels, needs to be substituted by drugs which have a much stronger effect.

Is it that you feel the need to do something slightly illicit? Kind of like sneaking liquor from one's parents' drinks cabinet for the thrill rather than the actual alcohol? If so, are there any other things that will do in place of this? Something that isn't harmful to your body?> Say, playing computer games (total waste of time), masturbating (as zonkout suggested).

I smoke cigarettes (but about fifteen a day) and I often find myself wanting one RIGHT before I go to bed. I mean after I'm in my sleepwear and have brushed my teeth and everything. I think it has something to do with wanting five minute totally and utterly to myself, alone on the sofa in the dark. I can almost invariably avoid this cigarette by promising myself it if I wake in the night. If I do wake, I'm far too tired to care and don't bother...
posted by pollystark at 8:39 AM on February 24, 2006

My guess is that you smoked to control anxiety (most smokers do), and that you're now seeking another chemical control for anxiety.

That's not going to work out too well. I suggest you find ways to adress the underlying anxiety problem (this could be as simple as seeing a counselor one or two times, starting an exercise program, meditating/deep breathing for 10 minutes in the evening, taking a brief walk, etc.)

It makes sense that the urge would happen before bed; people with anxiety often have trouble at bedtime because their minds are still racing with stressful thoughts, and their bodies are keyed up from the constant stress response. It's typical to feel you need something to take the edge off. But none of the behaviors you've currently got going on are really going to improve the basic anxiety that I suspect is there.
posted by Miko at 8:54 AM on February 24, 2006

I would substitute warm milk. Seriously. Substitute something. I wouldn't be too worried about what you are doing, though, as long as you stop it.
posted by OmieWise at 8:59 AM on February 24, 2006

I suggest NOT telling your doctor unless things are getting scary life-threatening. This stuff on your record will follow you around the rest of your days and could have unforeseen negative consequences years from now.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:12 AM on February 24, 2006

I behave in a similar way. Cigarettes (I smoke anyway) and alcohol, but no pills. I have identified work related stress as the reason. Maybe that's also the reason for your behaviour, though you don't mention a stressful job.
I work at least 12 hours a day, every day and often on weekends. When I come home I am totally tense and just can't go to bed without pretending to have at least a little bit of free time to do what I want, to enjoy myself. But I am to tense to do something relaxing and - POP! - the beer bottle opens! It relaxes me but it also feels like some sort of self-punishment for leading such a stressful life.
My solution: I am going to get another job, one that enables me to have real free time to do fun things, meet my friends again and spend more time with the girlfriend.
posted by ollsen at 9:26 AM on February 24, 2006

I enjoy a strong cup of chinatown sleepy time tea.
posted by muckster at 9:43 AM on February 24, 2006

Doesn't this raise the interesting question of how we all try and cope with our lives in whatever way, and if that coping mechanism is prescribed drugs then we think it's totally OK, but if it's other available drugs then we think we have a problem?
posted by forallmankind at 10:21 AM on February 24, 2006

People will certainly argue with me, but if you are one of the fortunate people who can smoke 2 cigarettes a day, only, and not increase that rate over time, I think you should consider whether you MUST stop doing that in the first place.

The 'cigarettes are bad' thing is absolutely true, there's no doubt about it. But... that's true because almost everyone who does it starts with one a week and ends up at a pack a day before stopping altogether (or not).

I, on the other hand, would kid myself that I would just have one at night and be (back) up to a pack a day habit within the week.
posted by mikel at 10:42 AM on February 24, 2006

I agree with geoff that if you're doing this only once a day, right before bed, it's not all that bad. The danger is becoming more dependent. Of the substances you mentioned, vicodin seems that it could have the worst consequences, since it's highly addictive, and very expensive, and could lead to other opiates. I'd try to specifically stay away from that. As quitting this stuff altogether, I think there have been some good suggestions. Go for a run instead, masturbate, drink warm milk.

You say that this is not a sleep problem, but it seems to me that it is both a sleep problem and a drug problem, though maybe one more than the other. In addition to trying some strategies for quitting miscellaneous intoxicants, you could also try some sleep aid strategies.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 11:06 AM on February 24, 2006

I agree with Mikel. I smoke five or six cigarettes a day (all in the evening), and have done for years. There are conflicting studies about the effects of "light" smoking. But if I were to quit and substitute something else harmful (like food or drugs), then I just don't see the benefit.

Is there some specific reason you've given up your two cigarettes a day?
posted by ereshkigal45 at 11:10 AM on February 24, 2006

it appears that you have substituted one oral habit (cigarettes) for another.

in your efforts to steer yourself away from potentially more damaging addictions, may I suggest, like OmieWise and muckster, some food.

warm milk, some tea, maybe a cracker with cheese.

Or, if you want to move away from an oral substitution, then why not try meditation? Sit quietly and stare at the light of a candle for five minutes. Or go for a walk in your neighborhood. Or go for a short drive.

No use replacing one addiction with another. A change of scene is perhaps all you are looking for.
posted by seawallrunner at 11:19 AM on February 24, 2006

if that coping mechanism is prescribed drugs then we think it's totally OK, but if it's other available drugs then we think we have a problem?

There's an important difference, and that is that prescribed drugs are given and recieved in a therapeutic context by a knowledgeable professional. Their effects can be monitored, they're consistent from dose to dose, and they're adjustable. I'm not saying they're always better, but self-medicating is winging it, and it's quite a blunt instrument.
posted by Miko at 11:39 AM on February 24, 2006

Miko makes a good point.
posted by OmieWise at 11:57 AM on February 24, 2006

One of the things that helps me to keep disciplined, ironically, is my overwhelming laziness. If there's no beer in the house at 10 pm, I'm sure as hell not going to the store to get some. So out of sight, out of mind. Throw out the pills and the booze. Don't keep any in the house. Stock up on things that people have suggested here. The tea, the milk. I find around 11 is my favorite time to have a bowl of cereal, especially with canned milk poured over the top. Yum.
posted by Sara Anne at 12:14 PM on February 24, 2006

Easy walking, deep breathing, custom-made hot chocolate*, and/or a bit of cheese sound pretty good to me, too. Miko and pollystark have just made me realize that for most of my life I've had one nightly ritual or another to pass the time while my thoughts stop spinning, and/or to affirm that I do deserve time to myself. (Congratulations to the discoverers of Monkeyminded Introvert Bedtime Syndrome.) Lately it's been surfing Wikipedia late after I should be abed. Think I'll go back to the chocolate, though -- less compelling, thus lower cost. And I'd advise you to look into how compelling it is when choosing your new ritual(s): Do you really want to come back here in a month with SelfAbuseFilter followup: I can't get to sleep unless I've had a pull?

*two generous spoons of unsweetened cocoa powder, a small spoon of sugar, a few grains of salt, a light dusting of cinnamon; combine dry, then stir in a few ounces of hot whole milk -- none of that pansy skimmed stuff, take your self-indulgence seriously
posted by eritain at 12:16 PM on February 24, 2006

To go in a completely different direction: try going to bed earlier.

If it isn't until "the witching hour" that you get these urges, then maybe you can break the intoxicant habit by cutting it off at the pass. It seems like taking something is tied into your getting-ready-for-bed routine; if you totally change everything surrounding that routine, maybe you won't even miss the drugs.

It's much much harder to go to bed earlier than it is to stay up later, but if you've already tackled quitting smoking, then you can tackle an earlier bedtime.
Start out by setting an alarm for an hour or two earlier than when you usually go to bed - the alarm indicates that you have to drop what you're doing (or find a stopping point) and get ready for bed.
The "tooling around" time that you missed the night before can be made up in the morning by getting up earlier, or you can trade in that time for some extra sleep.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:07 PM on February 24, 2006

Miko, I'm not fully in agreement with you - I think what you describe is somewhat idealistic. If you consider that the number of prescriptions of Zoloft for example in the US in 2004 was 30 million (!), I don't think that the majority of people are having their effects monitored to quite the degree I think you're implying.
I think (and from my personal experiences) that the effects of pharmacology are so unique from patient to patient - just look at how the stats vary for all the sideeffects - that it's very difficult for even a professional to say, "this is exactly what you need." If you can self-medicate successfully and it works for you, then it could well be the professional who has the blunt instrument.
And one other thing - what about the (I'm sure) many people have been failed by this system - what's their options? I tend to think that in such a situation, self-medicators are simply taking responsibility for their own health, and I don't think that's so wrong.
posted by forallmankind at 1:44 PM on February 24, 2006

I'm not going to go to the mat defending all prescription drugs; but they do help people -- arguably more people than they don't help -- and the great benefit to them is that you're working with a practitioner. It's not as though the patient has to be a victim of medication; the patient is a participant in a treatment plan.

Some of your points may be valid for those for whom self-medication works. But please note that for the poster, it isn't working. It doesn't work for a lot of people, or at best, is a temporary solution which then gives rise to its own set of problems (or, if you will, side effects).
posted by Miko at 3:10 PM on February 24, 2006

Might it be (& this is a shot in the dark) the meditative deep breathing of inhalation to relax you before bedtime that you're missing? Many relaxation & self-hypnosis programs involve similar breathing exercises--you might try that?
posted by soviet sleepover at 8:32 PM on February 24, 2006

That's a good suggestion, soviet etc.: when smokers quit, they often forget to breathe. As counterintuitive as it sounds, smoking does encourage deep, slow, relaxing breaths -- and when there's no cigarette, a lot of smokers just breathe shallow stress breaths.
posted by Miko at 8:41 PM on February 24, 2006

I say talk to a counselor. I used to have a really hard time falling asleep (no drugs or anything, just hours of anxiety) and my counselor helped me learn to wind down. I agree that rituals of any kind are really helpful. I always watch an episode of South Park before I go to bed. Nothing like seeing how they've decided to kill Kenny this time to lull me off to dreamland.
posted by radioamy at 2:53 PM on February 26, 2006