Change my first name at 50?
December 27, 2018 9:32 AM Subscribe
Please help me finally figure out the pros and cons of changing my first name.
My real birth name and the name everyone calls me IRL is Faith. It has always irritated me, but even more so over the last decade or so. This season is the worst.
First, I'm Jewish. Any time I set down my credit card in a store or show my ID, people talk to me a lot about Jesus. The TSA, the doctor's office, the bank, customer service reps of every stripe. They say ridiculous, stupid things about having faith, being faithful or you gotta have faith a faith a faith... BABY! Yesterday, I had an overly long discussion with an acquaintance (who came to my house for the first time and saw the mezuzah on the door) because she didn't realize I was Jewish because I had such an anglo name and how did that happen? Did you convert? etc.
Second, I am 50. I have spent 50 years with this name and it is what everyone knows me by. I am concerned that it won't take. That people won't take me seriously and will always refer to my previous name. I don't care about professional reputation.
Third, I have a name chosen. It is a meaningful name to me, it matches me well and I think I could get used to being called that name.
I am a long time Mefite. This is a sockpuppet account because I'm somewhat anonymous on MeFi and I feel like I need to be able to answer questions. I'm not sure how well I've thought this through, despite it being on my mind for over a decade. I'm not trans or non-binary, where it might be more acceptable (at least in the circles I run in) to change one's name.
If you know someone who has changed their first name or you, yourself have changed your first name, please let me know about your experience.
My real birth name and the name everyone calls me IRL is Faith. It has always irritated me, but even more so over the last decade or so. This season is the worst.
First, I'm Jewish. Any time I set down my credit card in a store or show my ID, people talk to me a lot about Jesus. The TSA, the doctor's office, the bank, customer service reps of every stripe. They say ridiculous, stupid things about having faith, being faithful or you gotta have faith a faith a faith... BABY! Yesterday, I had an overly long discussion with an acquaintance (who came to my house for the first time and saw the mezuzah on the door) because she didn't realize I was Jewish because I had such an anglo name and how did that happen? Did you convert? etc.
Second, I am 50. I have spent 50 years with this name and it is what everyone knows me by. I am concerned that it won't take. That people won't take me seriously and will always refer to my previous name. I don't care about professional reputation.
Third, I have a name chosen. It is a meaningful name to me, it matches me well and I think I could get used to being called that name.
I am a long time Mefite. This is a sockpuppet account because I'm somewhat anonymous on MeFi and I feel like I need to be able to answer questions. I'm not sure how well I've thought this through, despite it being on my mind for over a decade. I'm not trans or non-binary, where it might be more acceptable (at least in the circles I run in) to change one's name.
If you know someone who has changed their first name or you, yourself have changed your first name, please let me know about your experience.
Go for it. You are 50 years old and you are 100% the boss of you.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:44 AM on December 27, 2018 [82 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:44 AM on December 27, 2018 [82 favorites]
I am in the process of changing my name - slowly, starting with friends I trust and new people, so that everyone I meet going forward knows me as my new name. Right now I have two names. I'm leaving family til last because they're meh about it too. But that's just hard cheese for them, because it's a dumb thing to fuss over. If I were a bolder person I would have done it in one fell swoop, but I'm not, so I haven't. There are inconveniences associated with this method, but the name-change process you follow, like the workout that you actually do, is better than the perfect one that you can't stick with.
I think you should go ahead and change your name. I've observed many people to change their names at various ages and I think you'll be glad you did.
Many friends have done this by having conversations with close friends first and then sending out a big email, so that they can give more detail to friends and less to others. The key part is to be able to correct people, because even the best-intentioned friends will slip up at first.
I think this is scary because it can be weirdly make-or-break for relationships with family and friends - it seems like such a little thing, but sometimes people get so passive aggressive or aggro about it, and then you know something pretty bad about their character. If this were me, I would sit down with my family members, one at a time (which is my plan) and state clearly and firmly that you're making this change, it's important to you and it's important that they use your new name. Tell them that you won't be mad if they slip up, but you're going to correct them. (This is to avoid the "ooooh, I 'slip up' every time forever" risk.)
Anyway, you should totally go ahead, I think it will be annoying for a couple of months but then it will take. With my friends who've changed their names, after a year or two I usually have trouble even really remembering their former names if I ever need to, eg, search my old emails or something.
posted by Frowner at 9:47 AM on December 27, 2018 [21 favorites]
I think you should go ahead and change your name. I've observed many people to change their names at various ages and I think you'll be glad you did.
Many friends have done this by having conversations with close friends first and then sending out a big email, so that they can give more detail to friends and less to others. The key part is to be able to correct people, because even the best-intentioned friends will slip up at first.
I think this is scary because it can be weirdly make-or-break for relationships with family and friends - it seems like such a little thing, but sometimes people get so passive aggressive or aggro about it, and then you know something pretty bad about their character. If this were me, I would sit down with my family members, one at a time (which is my plan) and state clearly and firmly that you're making this change, it's important to you and it's important that they use your new name. Tell them that you won't be mad if they slip up, but you're going to correct them. (This is to avoid the "ooooh, I 'slip up' every time forever" risk.)
Anyway, you should totally go ahead, I think it will be annoying for a couple of months but then it will take. With my friends who've changed their names, after a year or two I usually have trouble even really remembering their former names if I ever need to, eg, search my old emails or something.
posted by Frowner at 9:47 AM on December 27, 2018 [21 favorites]
I had a roommate who chose a completely new name (first, middle, and last) in her late 30s. It took a little while to remember to call her by the new name, but it wasn't a big deal. She started using the new name about a year before she went through the process of changing it legally. She was much happier with the new name.
posted by belladonna at 9:48 AM on December 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by belladonna at 9:48 AM on December 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
I’m sorry, I’m not the answerer you want, because I haven’t changed my name.* But I want to support you 100%. Your name is one of the most fundamental things about you. You should - baseline - not hate it. It will be difficult, and some people may not have an easy time with the change, but it’s still worth doing. They will adjust. This isn’t a whim. You’ve thought it through. Do what makes you happy.
*Now that I think about it, I kind of did. I picked a new name at 16 and used it socially, though not legally, for about 10 years. I still have friends who call me it exclusively, but I no longer introduce myself that way. The more I’m thinking about it right now, the more I wish I had stuck with it and changed it legally. I much prefer my chosen name, and my given one never felt very “me.” Maybe you’re inspiring me to do it, finally!
posted by greermahoney at 9:50 AM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
*Now that I think about it, I kind of did. I picked a new name at 16 and used it socially, though not legally, for about 10 years. I still have friends who call me it exclusively, but I no longer introduce myself that way. The more I’m thinking about it right now, the more I wish I had stuck with it and changed it legally. I much prefer my chosen name, and my given one never felt very “me.” Maybe you’re inspiring me to do it, finally!
posted by greermahoney at 9:50 AM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
If someone I knew wanted to change their name, no matter the reason I would 100% support that decision and I wouldn't try to lecture them about it. It's your name, your choice and you deserve to be happy.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:51 AM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:51 AM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
I was just on the phone with a person whose name I have used for 15 years and about a year ago I found out that is not his real name. Think I call him Steve and his real name is Robert. He told me he just liked the name better and changed it. He did not change it legally. That is how I found out. He had to sign some legal docs with his real name.
Go for it. Just start calling yourself by your new name. Ask husband to call you new name or at least by Sweetie or some nickname, but not Faith. I think it starts with your family. I think there will be some holdouts who will never change, but so what? You are no worse off than you are now with them already calling your Faith.
posted by AugustWest at 9:51 AM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
Go for it. Just start calling yourself by your new name. Ask husband to call you new name or at least by Sweetie or some nickname, but not Faith. I think it starts with your family. I think there will be some holdouts who will never change, but so what? You are no worse off than you are now with them already calling your Faith.
posted by AugustWest at 9:51 AM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
I changed mine at 20--I just never liked my birth name, and it didn't feel like "me." It took time to get people used to using the new one, but it wasn't really too hard. And it made a HUGE difference in just...feeling like myself. I've never been sorry that I changed it.
posted by Emera Gratia at 9:57 AM on December 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Emera Gratia at 9:57 AM on December 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
The name on Kid Ruki's birth certificate is not her real name. Her real name is the one she gave herself, the one on file at school, that her friends and half the family the call her. It's the one she uses when she meets new people.
Your name belongs to you and only you know what your real name is. If using your real name makes you happy, do it, and let other people deal with it. If people can adjust to married women changing their last name, there is absolutely no reason they can't adjust to a new first name.
posted by Ruki at 10:11 AM on December 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
Your name belongs to you and only you know what your real name is. If using your real name makes you happy, do it, and let other people deal with it. If people can adjust to married women changing their last name, there is absolutely no reason they can't adjust to a new first name.
posted by Ruki at 10:11 AM on December 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
I had a friend who changed her name at an age slightly younger than 50 because she went through a major life change (death of her spouse) and she just felt that she needed a new name to go with her new phase of life. It was a little bit of an an adjustment, but we all got used to it and I don't even think of her birth name anymore. I also dislike my first name and wish I had changed it in college to go by my middle name instead, so I'm all for name changes and wouldn't think it was weird for someone in their 50s to change their name.
(I also feel you on the Anglo/Jewish thing, btw. I have a traditionally Irish Catholic last name, and I get a lot of "Why are you taking Rosh Hashannah/Yom Kippur off?" with the suggestion that I'm being dishonest by doing so.)
posted by holborne at 10:13 AM on December 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
(I also feel you on the Anglo/Jewish thing, btw. I have a traditionally Irish Catholic last name, and I get a lot of "Why are you taking Rosh Hashannah/Yom Kippur off?" with the suggestion that I'm being dishonest by doing so.)
posted by holborne at 10:13 AM on December 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
As far as I can see, the main reasons not to do it are (a) if you are named after someone whose feelings might be hurt and (b) if you have a professional reputation as "Faith." If those aren't issues (you didn't mention the source of your name but since you're Jewish, I'm guessing it's not a living relative), then do it. Why not? If people are judgy, well, then, you've flushed out some stupidly judgy people in your life and can react accordingly. This is a ridiculous thing to suffer to please people over.
posted by praemunire at 10:16 AM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:16 AM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
I know someone who did this in her 50's and, while it took awhile for people to not use her old name, the switch worked and was helped by the fact that her new name better suited her. Go for it while keeping in mind that you may have to push people a bit to get it right. There's no reason why someone in your life shouldn't support this change, it's not much to ask. Push back on people who try to make it a big deal.
posted by quince at 10:20 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:20 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
I know more than a few adults who have changed their name, and none were unsuccessful. Good friends are supportive, and you will meet new people throughout your life, all of whom will only know you by your new name, so that's a good critical mass to have it stick.
Of course there may be hold-outs, but those can be dealt with in the same way that you would deal with someone who insists on a childhood nick-name that you've long outgrown... which is also a fine way to look at your old name, just something you've outgrown.
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:28 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
Of course there may be hold-outs, but those can be dealt with in the same way that you would deal with someone who insists on a childhood nick-name that you've long outgrown... which is also a fine way to look at your old name, just something you've outgrown.
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:28 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
When I saw your question I thought huh, I don’t know anyone who changed her name as an adult. Until just now, because I finally remembers that one of my best friends who I’m currently texting with changed hers as an adult, after I’d known her for years. You can do it!
Her parents named her something like Fairth and she had a similar experience to you. It’s been over 10 years now and I know three people who didn’t accept to the name change. Just three and she’s decided to give them a pass, although I think the pressure of everyone asking them why they call her by the wrong name will get to them. Everyone else got on board, her family and friends alike. I think it took about a year though for us to stop slipping up. When we tell stories about her before the name change we use the correct name. People can adjust, be who you want to be.
posted by lepus at 10:29 AM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
Her parents named her something like Fairth and she had a similar experience to you. It’s been over 10 years now and I know three people who didn’t accept to the name change. Just three and she’s decided to give them a pass, although I think the pressure of everyone asking them why they call her by the wrong name will get to them. Everyone else got on board, her family and friends alike. I think it took about a year though for us to stop slipping up. When we tell stories about her before the name change we use the correct name. People can adjust, be who you want to be.
posted by lepus at 10:29 AM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
My former MIL changed her name in her 40's. She had thought about it for years feeling that her birth name never reflected who she really was. She decided to live being true to herself. I don't know if she had much trouble from others with the change but she is the kind of person who will kindly and good-naturedly insist on the kind of treatment she prefers. More recently she is changng the pronuciation of her name. She didn't ask me to pronounce it in the new way but models the preferred sounds so I caught on!
Go for it!!!
posted by goodsearch at 10:33 AM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
Go for it!!!
posted by goodsearch at 10:33 AM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
I changed my name twice (socially) , once a few years ago when I was 44 or 45- and it wasn't hard to get it to stick. I'm in a trans-aware social circle but really people do this for totally not-gender-expression-related reasons. I've seen several other people do it as adults. I also used a "I don't like the judeochristian implications of my birth name" reason and people really do understand that.
posted by twoplussix at 10:39 AM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by twoplussix at 10:39 AM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
I did it when I was 55 (first & middle). I'd never liked my original first name (related to my grandmother, whom I hated), or my middle name (after an uncle who was mean to me). I fussed with the name's spelling; no joy. Sometimes I used a totally different name, just for fun. Then, in 1997, I was leaving a long-time job and going to open my own bookstore, took a deep breath and said "now's the time" so I could name my store after me. I did all the legal stuff, had the County give me 10 official copies of the name change, changed my Social Security account, all credit cards, etc. Then I started telling everyone my new name: got some startled responses, some frowns, some were okay with it right away. Just kept at it. Old friends got a pass for slipping up but new meets did not: "sorry, that's not my name." Now? Almost no-one is left who even knows my original name.
I've often thought that we should all have new names at rite-of-passage times in our lives, such as HS graduation, marriage (both partners), births, certain ages, and whatever is meaningful to you. So go for it.
posted by MovableBookLady at 10:49 AM on December 27, 2018 [23 favorites]
I've often thought that we should all have new names at rite-of-passage times in our lives, such as HS graduation, marriage (both partners), births, certain ages, and whatever is meaningful to you. So go for it.
posted by MovableBookLady at 10:49 AM on December 27, 2018 [23 favorites]
I changed my first name as a child and a close friend of mine changed her first name as a young adult. We both had a few months where it was a pain to correct everyone, but most people are able to quickly adapt and forget about your previous name. I'd suggest coming up with a short explanation for the name change that you're comfortable repeating over and over again to every acquaintance, hairdresser, HR person, distant relative, etc.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 11:01 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by galvanized unicorn at 11:01 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
Off the top of my head, I know at least five people who've changed their names as adults for non-gender-based reasons. All five are Pagan; none of the names are specifically Pagan names, although they are all personally meaningful in ways their birth names were not. Some have gone full legal; some haven't. I'm pretty sure I know others; those are just the ones in my close circle.
For the most part, it takes a few months, and then everyone is comfortable with the new name. There may be a few stubborn holdouts who insist that the new name is not your "real" name, but those aren't the ones that are going to casually pester you about your religious affiliations.
I'd suggest checking your state laws about name changes; some are stricter than others, and some have very specific requirements for what must be legally done first. In many cases, before you can get legal confirmation of the new name, you have to show that you're using it publicly for some time.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 11:31 AM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
For the most part, it takes a few months, and then everyone is comfortable with the new name. There may be a few stubborn holdouts who insist that the new name is not your "real" name, but those aren't the ones that are going to casually pester you about your religious affiliations.
I'd suggest checking your state laws about name changes; some are stricter than others, and some have very specific requirements for what must be legally done first. In many cases, before you can get legal confirmation of the new name, you have to show that you're using it publicly for some time.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 11:31 AM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you wish to change your first name, you should.
If your main issue with your given name is the behavior of other people... well, people ruin everything. They'll burden you with their thoughts about a name-change, too.
It is irritating. I've known a couple of Jewish Faiths; Christians don't have a monopoly on F/faith. (If you felt like it, you might exert your awesome, hard-won, 50-year-old-lady privilege to push back when these people start going on and on about Jesus.)
If you ultimately decide against changing your first name, you could: add your chosen name as your middle name, and begin using that exclusively; use your initial on your credit cards; use initial + existing middle name; use initial + chosen name; use Fay instead of Faith; swiftly-but-politely inform those who hyper-focus on the name with "Please, it's just Fay," or "Actually, it's a family name," to re-direct them to the business at hand.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:44 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
If your main issue with your given name is the behavior of other people... well, people ruin everything. They'll burden you with their thoughts about a name-change, too.
It is irritating. I've known a couple of Jewish Faiths; Christians don't have a monopoly on F/faith. (If you felt like it, you might exert your awesome, hard-won, 50-year-old-lady privilege to push back when these people start going on and on about Jesus.)
If you ultimately decide against changing your first name, you could: add your chosen name as your middle name, and begin using that exclusively; use your initial on your credit cards; use initial + existing middle name; use initial + chosen name; use Fay instead of Faith; swiftly-but-politely inform those who hyper-focus on the name with "Please, it's just Fay," or "Actually, it's a family name," to re-direct them to the business at hand.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:44 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
> Oh, also, husband and friends are all very meh about the idea, so I guess that is influencing my insecurity.
I agree that you should change your name if you want to. It's not commonplace, but it's not unheard of either.
People shed childhood nicknames, women change their last names for marriage, trans people change their first and often last names, performers become universally known by their stage name even to their close friends, people adopt new names through religious conversion. And yes, sometimes people just change their first name as adults because it's what they want to be called (which is more common in some circles than others, I gather. I work at a Renaissance Fair, so...uh, perhaps more common.)
But I think that this whole situation will be much less frustrating for you if your husband and/or at least one close friend can find it in themselves to jump on board with TEAM NAME CHANGE.
(Is your spouse so "meh" that he won't really try very hard to use your preferred name? I mean, that's a problem.)
posted by desuetude at 11:57 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree that you should change your name if you want to. It's not commonplace, but it's not unheard of either.
People shed childhood nicknames, women change their last names for marriage, trans people change their first and often last names, performers become universally known by their stage name even to their close friends, people adopt new names through religious conversion. And yes, sometimes people just change their first name as adults because it's what they want to be called (which is more common in some circles than others, I gather. I work at a Renaissance Fair, so...uh, perhaps more common.)
But I think that this whole situation will be much less frustrating for you if your husband and/or at least one close friend can find it in themselves to jump on board with TEAM NAME CHANGE.
(Is your spouse so "meh" that he won't really try very hard to use your preferred name? I mean, that's a problem.)
posted by desuetude at 11:57 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: desuetude - no, my husband will absolutely enthusiastically hop on board if I've actually made the decision to do it, it's just that the decision is difficult and so far, I'm still about 2/3 in and 1/3 out.
posted by sally o'malley at 12:09 PM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by sally o'malley at 12:09 PM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who did so, and it was hard to remember at first, especially with others who might slip up the way we did (because we'd known her before), but friend was gracious about our slip-ups, and because we all liked her for who she was, not the name, we got through and mostly remembered.
Oftentimes for friends it seems like you're rejecting the part of them that loved the you-person with the old name. But especially once folks see how much you enjoy the new name, they can also see that you're still You, just with a name that makes you happier. And friends like it when friends feel freer to be true to themselves.
posted by ldthomps at 12:17 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
Oftentimes for friends it seems like you're rejecting the part of them that loved the you-person with the old name. But especially once folks see how much you enjoy the new name, they can also see that you're still You, just with a name that makes you happier. And friends like it when friends feel freer to be true to themselves.
posted by ldthomps at 12:17 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
Can you see if your family and close friends will help you by calling you by your chosen name on a trial period? “Hey friends/fam this is a big choice so if on a trial period you could call me ____ to help me decide that would be great!”
See how it feels. If it feels good slowly start telling others and work on the official stuff.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:41 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
See how it feels. If it feels good slowly start telling others and work on the official stuff.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:41 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
it's just that the decision is difficult and so far, I'm still about 2/3 in and 1/3 out.
Were it me, I would have calling cards printed with your new name like
SALLY O'MALLEY
née Faith O'Malley
email: sallyomalley@gmail.com
telephone: (whatever your existing number is)
And hand them out as needed. Give it a while. Plan a Name Change party or a Sally-themed part for six months from now to celebrate a legal name change. If it feels weird or you change your mind, just... don't change it legally.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:02 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
Were it me, I would have calling cards printed with your new name like
SALLY O'MALLEY
née Faith O'Malley
email: sallyomalley@gmail.com
telephone: (whatever your existing number is)
And hand them out as needed. Give it a while. Plan a Name Change party or a Sally-themed part for six months from now to celebrate a legal name change. If it feels weird or you change your mind, just... don't change it legally.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:02 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
I encourage you to go for it!
I changed my first name when I was 35. It was relatively easy to do legally in my state: a few forms to fill out at the probate court, pay a fee, etc. But changing all the zillions of papers in my name (401ks, mutual funds, etc.) was really a pain in the ass--most companies are set up with forms to change your last name; changing your first name is much harder (requires notarized copies, etc.).
I'm glad I did it (despised my birth name, etc.), but it has been a little bit complicated professionally, and I was unprepared for how ZOMG VERY VERY PERSONALLY some family, friends, associates took my decision. I think that this reaction was especially amplified because I didn't change my last name when I got married.
People who have known me a very long time occasionally forget my name, which does not bother me; they usually correct themselves. However. I was completely unprepared for the number of bad-faith actors that I've had to discipline: people who think they are "being funny" or "clever" or "in the know" or "just joking around" by using my old name--including a stunning number of non-family business associates. (As in, having to call people "fucking assholes" or refuse to acknowledge/interact with certain people until they use the right name.)
I was also unprepared by just how alien and wrong my old name would sound and feel over time. I am literally NOT that person anymore, and so it feels utterly wrong to be called that name. My current name is not an alias, it's like a complete break from my previous history.
Finally, my only small regret is that I had to compromise when I changed my first name, and didn't get to change it to exactly what I wanted. I should have waited and picked the exact perfect name, but felt extreme pressure (for a variety of reasons that really don't matter to your situation) to make the change right then. If certain people in my life die, there is a high likelihood that I will change it again to the name I feel fits better.
posted by skye.dancer at 1:08 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
I changed my first name when I was 35. It was relatively easy to do legally in my state: a few forms to fill out at the probate court, pay a fee, etc. But changing all the zillions of papers in my name (401ks, mutual funds, etc.) was really a pain in the ass--most companies are set up with forms to change your last name; changing your first name is much harder (requires notarized copies, etc.).
I'm glad I did it (despised my birth name, etc.), but it has been a little bit complicated professionally, and I was unprepared for how ZOMG VERY VERY PERSONALLY some family, friends, associates took my decision. I think that this reaction was especially amplified because I didn't change my last name when I got married.
People who have known me a very long time occasionally forget my name, which does not bother me; they usually correct themselves. However. I was completely unprepared for the number of bad-faith actors that I've had to discipline: people who think they are "being funny" or "clever" or "in the know" or "just joking around" by using my old name--including a stunning number of non-family business associates. (As in, having to call people "fucking assholes" or refuse to acknowledge/interact with certain people until they use the right name.)
I was also unprepared by just how alien and wrong my old name would sound and feel over time. I am literally NOT that person anymore, and so it feels utterly wrong to be called that name. My current name is not an alias, it's like a complete break from my previous history.
Finally, my only small regret is that I had to compromise when I changed my first name, and didn't get to change it to exactly what I wanted. I should have waited and picked the exact perfect name, but felt extreme pressure (for a variety of reasons that really don't matter to your situation) to make the change right then. If certain people in my life die, there is a high likelihood that I will change it again to the name I feel fits better.
posted by skye.dancer at 1:08 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
I went from a common nickname of my given name in high school to my actual name in college, which was easy enough. Then about 5 years ago I started asking new people (and a bunch of people at my Al-Anon meetings) to call me by my initials, which is how I sign my email and how I have thought of myself for literally years. But it wasn't until another person at an Al-Anon meeting started using another name that I realized I could as well.
This has all been socially, not legally. Still, I am really happy about it because I feel like those initials are a good fit and always have been in a way that my birth name never was. I don't hate it, it just doesn't feel like me, really. If people ask me what the initials stand for, I say Bombastic Diva (not actual initials) or whatever I want to that I enjoy saying and the folks asking kind of have to use my initials because I don't tell them my legal first name.
Old friends and family have been grandfathered in (my poor, elderly dad can just barely remember to use my given name instead of the nickname I despised) but it makes me super happy when I am called by my chosen name.
Nobody is going to care about your name the way you care about your name. Your spouse and friends do not have to be enthusiastic or passionate about the change, they just need to agree to get with the program. The trial period suggested above may help. Or maybe you should wander around town, like go into a shop and introduce yourself to a salesperson with your new name, just to see how it feels when someone else uses it.
It is totally okay to change it socially first and then legally after a while if you don't want to rush things. I am excited for you, I think chosen names are the best. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:40 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
This has all been socially, not legally. Still, I am really happy about it because I feel like those initials are a good fit and always have been in a way that my birth name never was. I don't hate it, it just doesn't feel like me, really. If people ask me what the initials stand for, I say Bombastic Diva (not actual initials) or whatever I want to that I enjoy saying and the folks asking kind of have to use my initials because I don't tell them my legal first name.
Old friends and family have been grandfathered in (my poor, elderly dad can just barely remember to use my given name instead of the nickname I despised) but it makes me super happy when I am called by my chosen name.
Nobody is going to care about your name the way you care about your name. Your spouse and friends do not have to be enthusiastic or passionate about the change, they just need to agree to get with the program. The trial period suggested above may help. Or maybe you should wander around town, like go into a shop and introduce yourself to a salesperson with your new name, just to see how it feels when someone else uses it.
It is totally okay to change it socially first and then legally after a while if you don't want to rush things. I am excited for you, I think chosen names are the best. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:40 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
I changed my last name, not my first, but I'll enthusiastically recommend adult name changes to all who are interested. Every time I see it on something official (mail, debit card, even bills!) it makes me happy.
The most important person to consider in this decision is you. If it will make you happy, do it! It's like a little present you give yourself every day.
posted by fiercecupcake at 1:50 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
The most important person to consider in this decision is you. If it will make you happy, do it! It's like a little present you give yourself every day.
posted by fiercecupcake at 1:50 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
I have a name that identifies me, similar to Bridget, which is invariably Catholic and Irish. I wish I had changed to my middle name years ago (I'm older than you). My older sister has cycled through the several permutations of her name and now uses her middle name and likes it better, so I say, Go For It! It would make you happy.
posted by theora55 at 2:20 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 2:20 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
so far, I'm still about 2/3 in and 1/3 out.
You may never feel 100% in before you make this decision. Changes that have to do with identity are like that I've found. It's hard to feel completely quell the questions and feelings - is this wise and prudent? How will people react? Is it worth it?
I've found that certainty comes afterwards - when you look back and ask yourself the question, am I happy that I made that decision? By that point, it's not a question of "100% certainty feelings" so much as looking at your life and feeling "yes, this is the life I've chosen, and I'm glad I chose it."
So perhaps try to imagine having a conversation with future-you: 60 year old you, 80 year old you. What do you think that version of you would want? How do you think they'd after the question "are you happy you made that decision?" If you feel like, well yes, they would say yes!, then perhaps your task right now isn't about closing the gap in that last 33.3% of certainty so much as being kind to future-you by affirming their wishes, even though it's scary and difficult.
Good luck!
posted by elephantsvanish at 2:23 PM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
You may never feel 100% in before you make this decision. Changes that have to do with identity are like that I've found. It's hard to feel completely quell the questions and feelings - is this wise and prudent? How will people react? Is it worth it?
I've found that certainty comes afterwards - when you look back and ask yourself the question, am I happy that I made that decision? By that point, it's not a question of "100% certainty feelings" so much as looking at your life and feeling "yes, this is the life I've chosen, and I'm glad I chose it."
So perhaps try to imagine having a conversation with future-you: 60 year old you, 80 year old you. What do you think that version of you would want? How do you think they'd after the question "are you happy you made that decision?" If you feel like, well yes, they would say yes!, then perhaps your task right now isn't about closing the gap in that last 33.3% of certainty so much as being kind to future-you by affirming their wishes, even though it's scary and difficult.
Good luck!
posted by elephantsvanish at 2:23 PM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]
I agree with all those saying, “do it.” And yes, some people will act personal about it for strange brain reasons. For some situations/people, it might be helpful to say something like...”It was not my first name to begin with and it got changed sometime in childhood and I’ve never liked it since 4th grade.” For some reason, I think people accept corrections better than preferences.
I did know a lady who changed her last name and her first name after her divorce. She didn’t want her ex’s name anymore and she hated her first name so she changed both. I will admit to having a hard time remembering it the next couple times I saw her and confess that I thought it was “weird” but then I got over my stupid self and can no longer remember her original name at all. Her current name seems so her.
Good luck! I think many people would be annoyed with this conversations all the time!
posted by amanda at 4:40 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
I did know a lady who changed her last name and her first name after her divorce. She didn’t want her ex’s name anymore and she hated her first name so she changed both. I will admit to having a hard time remembering it the next couple times I saw her and confess that I thought it was “weird” but then I got over my stupid self and can no longer remember her original name at all. Her current name seems so her.
Good luck! I think many people would be annoyed with this conversations all the time!
posted by amanda at 4:40 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am concerned that it won't take. That people won't take me seriously and will always refer to my previous name.
Ah, I have a name for those people -- "jerks." Referring to someone the proper way is a form of respect and if someone refuses to refer to you properly, they are being disrepectful, plain and simple.
I have changed my name (though for gender-related reasons) and I would really encourage you to do so, if that is what you feel is right for you. Life is too short. Worrying about other people's opinions is not worth your happiness. If you say it has been on your mind over a decade and it has irritated you since forever, my personal opinion is that you have given it more than enough thought.
Yes, it will take some time for people to get used to the new name, but probably not as much time as you'd expect. In my experience, people were very good at switching to using my name (took a week or two, tops, for it to become mostly second-nature) before they got used to referring to me with different pronouns. (And in most cases, I think the pronoun change was lagging mostly because I didn't look that different yet at that point in time.)
It might be useful to enlist the help of someone close to you in each of your work, family, and social lives in helping people get used to the name change. Ask if they could refer to you with the new name out loud more often (i.e. instead of "she's coming to lunch with us," "Sally's coming to lunch with us") and if they'd be willing to correct people when they refer to you with the old name. For people at work who had a hard time with the pronouns thing, it seemed to help that I had a coworker who was happy to do this and, amongst extended family who were having difficulties, my cousin took that role.
Something that was unexpected to me after changing my name was that I had to practice too! If you've referred to yourself one way for most of your life, though, it is only natural to need to acclimate a bit first. It would take a small bit of effort to not instinctually type the wrong name when signing off emails or pick up the phone saying the wrong name, etc.
posted by sevenofspades at 5:27 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
Ah, I have a name for those people -- "jerks." Referring to someone the proper way is a form of respect and if someone refuses to refer to you properly, they are being disrepectful, plain and simple.
I have changed my name (though for gender-related reasons) and I would really encourage you to do so, if that is what you feel is right for you. Life is too short. Worrying about other people's opinions is not worth your happiness. If you say it has been on your mind over a decade and it has irritated you since forever, my personal opinion is that you have given it more than enough thought.
Yes, it will take some time for people to get used to the new name, but probably not as much time as you'd expect. In my experience, people were very good at switching to using my name (took a week or two, tops, for it to become mostly second-nature) before they got used to referring to me with different pronouns. (And in most cases, I think the pronoun change was lagging mostly because I didn't look that different yet at that point in time.)
It might be useful to enlist the help of someone close to you in each of your work, family, and social lives in helping people get used to the name change. Ask if they could refer to you with the new name out loud more often (i.e. instead of "she's coming to lunch with us," "Sally's coming to lunch with us") and if they'd be willing to correct people when they refer to you with the old name. For people at work who had a hard time with the pronouns thing, it seemed to help that I had a coworker who was happy to do this and, amongst extended family who were having difficulties, my cousin took that role.
Something that was unexpected to me after changing my name was that I had to practice too! If you've referred to yourself one way for most of your life, though, it is only natural to need to acclimate a bit first. It would take a small bit of effort to not instinctually type the wrong name when signing off emails or pick up the phone saying the wrong name, etc.
posted by sevenofspades at 5:27 PM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
If this has bothered you for fifty years, where's the good in potentially being bothered by it for another fifty?
I changed my name more than twenty years ago. It cost me something like ten bucks. No regrets. My friends adjusted almost instantly. My family did not, and still call me by oldname, even though I ignore them until they correct themselves. So be prepared for people to disrespect your choices.
posted by liminal_shadows at 11:18 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
I changed my name more than twenty years ago. It cost me something like ten bucks. No regrets. My friends adjusted almost instantly. My family did not, and still call me by oldname, even though I ignore them until they correct themselves. So be prepared for people to disrespect your choices.
posted by liminal_shadows at 11:18 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm another who changed my name as an adult and I00% enthusiastically support changing your name to something you like. Whenever I hear my name it makes me feel GOOD. Hardly anyone remembers the old one and my whole family and all my real friends use the one I gave myself. My new real name gives me joy that the old one never did. It's a really nice gift to give yourself and a great time to let yourself be who you want to be instead of what others expect you to be.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:34 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:34 PM on December 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
I know three people who have done this, all successfully with lasting effect. In each case it was for reasons similar to yours. It’s not hard for people to remember. Less supportive people were encouraged by the rest of us be supportive (“It’s Lisa now. It’s not hard.”) and the reason given was simply “I never liked my other name.” One person went with her middle name, one legally added a middle name then used it as his first name. (Legally adding a middle name was far simpler and cheaper than changing a first name.) don’t remember the details of the third person. But yes, very do-able, not as uncommon as you might think. Do it.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:51 AM on December 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:51 AM on December 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm your age, and the thought of going by a name I didn't like for the next several decades gives me the heebie jeebies. Change it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:01 PM on January 2, 2019
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:01 PM on January 2, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sally o'malley at 9:35 AM on December 27, 2018