Getting organized for Christmas - methodology?
December 20, 2018 6:59 AM Subscribe
Even though I am not working (mat leave) I feel like I cannot figure out how to finish ALL THE THINGS for Christmas. I am honestly feeling what I imagine adult ADHD feels like - thoughts going in all directions, inability to begin or prioritize...I only say this to help you help me. I am getting panicky. If you have a sort of plan or schedule you follow, can you please share it?
The gifts are bought, but there are still some homemade presents and decorations to finish. Baking. Decorating. Groceries to buy for Christmas Eve dinner. Cleaning the house. Get eyebrows done. I don't even know what else. Help?
The gifts are bought, but there are still some homemade presents and decorations to finish. Baking. Decorating. Groceries to buy for Christmas Eve dinner. Cleaning the house. Get eyebrows done. I don't even know what else. Help?
So you're on maternity leave, which implies you have a newborn? Take it easy on yourself! You have enough to do!
For more practical advice, you have five days before THE day. Split the chores into the five days. For example:
Thursday: clean
Friday: decorate
Saturday: eyebrows, any out of the house errands
Sunday: bake
Monday: whatever is left, like grocery shopping.
Or whatever order you want. Stop thinking about all the details, and deal with broad categories. If you're focusing on one thing all day, all the details will come to you. Also, utilize delivery services for anything you can like groceries.
posted by clone boulevard at 7:12 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
For more practical advice, you have five days before THE day. Split the chores into the five days. For example:
Thursday: clean
Friday: decorate
Saturday: eyebrows, any out of the house errands
Sunday: bake
Monday: whatever is left, like grocery shopping.
Or whatever order you want. Stop thinking about all the details, and deal with broad categories. If you're focusing on one thing all day, all the details will come to you. Also, utilize delivery services for anything you can like groceries.
posted by clone boulevard at 7:12 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
First thing is to figure out what else. Write a list of everything. When is your deadline for each thing? When do you need to start the thing in order to have it done by the deadline? When does the salon close for the holidays? Do you need to leave the house to do the thing? When you have a list of start times, you can prioritise by which one needs doing first. Then you can look at grouping the tasks for maximum efficiency - can you roll the eyebrow wax and the grocery trip into one outing?
For me, things that involve other people/shops take priority over things that I can do by myself at home, because they have hard cutoff points. Tidying/cleaning comes last, but give yourself enough time to do it.
posted by corvine at 7:12 AM on December 20, 2018
For me, things that involve other people/shops take priority over things that I can do by myself at home, because they have hard cutoff points. Tidying/cleaning comes last, but give yourself enough time to do it.
posted by corvine at 7:12 AM on December 20, 2018
Start making lists, either digitally or with a piece of paper:
Groceries
Other things to buy
Household tasks (can be one for decorating and one for cleaning)
Gifts to finish
Baking and cooking to do before the 24th
Rough schedule for cooking on the 24th
Does anywhere around you do grocery pick up or delivery? Place the order today. If you schedule it for Saturday, you can usually make changes until Friday night. Delegate things if you can like the cleaning. If you can't finish making and displaying a certain decoration, that's okay. Don't think you are required to do everything you put on the list. The lists are a brain dump so you can stop worrying about forgetting something. Deciding not to do something is better than forgetting. I don't think you need to get your eyebrows done, but if not having them done will stress you out, then do it.
posted by soelo at 7:14 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Groceries
Other things to buy
Household tasks (can be one for decorating and one for cleaning)
Gifts to finish
Baking and cooking to do before the 24th
Rough schedule for cooking on the 24th
Does anywhere around you do grocery pick up or delivery? Place the order today. If you schedule it for Saturday, you can usually make changes until Friday night. Delegate things if you can like the cleaning. If you can't finish making and displaying a certain decoration, that's okay. Don't think you are required to do everything you put on the list. The lists are a brain dump so you can stop worrying about forgetting something. Deciding not to do something is better than forgetting. I don't think you need to get your eyebrows done, but if not having them done will stress you out, then do it.
posted by soelo at 7:14 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Take a breath, it will all be ok.
First, do a brain dump. Sit in a quiet room with a big pad of paper and write down every single thing that your brain is telling you you need to do. Nothing is too small or too far in the future or too unimportant. Take plenty of time with this -- it's what will make your brain stop freaking out that there are SO! MANY! THINGS!
Then, read through the list and cross off anything that doesn't absolutely have to be done. Can you pare down on decorations? Baking?
Then, read through the list and bracket off anything you don't have to worry about right now. Dentist appointments in February? Learning Spanish sometime before your trip? Not a priority right now.
Now you have the list of things you absolutely have to do in the next few days. Now you can make a new list, combining them into categories or days or locations, as people have suggested above.
posted by LeeLanded at 7:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
First, do a brain dump. Sit in a quiet room with a big pad of paper and write down every single thing that your brain is telling you you need to do. Nothing is too small or too far in the future or too unimportant. Take plenty of time with this -- it's what will make your brain stop freaking out that there are SO! MANY! THINGS!
Then, read through the list and cross off anything that doesn't absolutely have to be done. Can you pare down on decorations? Baking?
Then, read through the list and bracket off anything you don't have to worry about right now. Dentist appointments in February? Learning Spanish sometime before your trip? Not a priority right now.
Now you have the list of things you absolutely have to do in the next few days. Now you can make a new list, combining them into categories or days or locations, as people have suggested above.
posted by LeeLanded at 7:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Okay: here's what you want to do first.
1. Get a notebook and a pen, and then set the timer for at least a half hour. (You may not need the full half hour - in fact I bet you won't - but this ensures that you will have ample time to think, because right now time to think is the thing you need most.)
2. Start by making a master list of the broad-strokes things you need to do. No detail just yet. So it should be something like 1. Baking, 2. Decorating, 3. Presents, etc.
3. Then for each of those categories, THEN you make the detailed lists. So for the "baking" list, you would list the things you need to bake. Then for the decorating list, you list the things you need to decorate. For "presents," you list the things you need to do for presents ("wrap aunt ethyl's gift", "finish making cousin sid's gift" "wrap cousin sid's gift", etc.).
4. Once you've gotten the lists mapped out - go back and look at them, and see if there is anything you can simplify or just not do. (Do you REALLY need to make a gift for Cousin Sid, or would he be happy with just a gift card? You're planning to do a whole tablescape on the back of the toilet, but maybe you can cut back to just a candle? Or nothing at all?) If there's anything that can be scaled back or cut, adjust your lists.
5. Then - go through the sub-lists and see if there is a natural order that suggests itself ("Okay: I have those groceries to do, and the salon is next to the grocery store, I can do those both the same day") or if there is any way you can enlist help ("if I do the baking and wrapping on Saturday my family can pitch in and help").
Steps 4 and 5 are where a lot of things can happen to help you out. I made a lot of such lists myself to get myself on track, but I ended up scaling back a lot because a) I'm only one person, b) I realized that simpler decorations than what I was planning actually looked just fine, and c) I realized I'd planned out gifts for people that almost never show up at my family's observation anyway, so I just got a couple gift cards for them to have on hand as a just-in-case and called it a day. But it was the giving myself space to think that let me focus enough to get to the point where I realized that.
good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
1. Get a notebook and a pen, and then set the timer for at least a half hour. (You may not need the full half hour - in fact I bet you won't - but this ensures that you will have ample time to think, because right now time to think is the thing you need most.)
2. Start by making a master list of the broad-strokes things you need to do. No detail just yet. So it should be something like 1. Baking, 2. Decorating, 3. Presents, etc.
3. Then for each of those categories, THEN you make the detailed lists. So for the "baking" list, you would list the things you need to bake. Then for the decorating list, you list the things you need to decorate. For "presents," you list the things you need to do for presents ("wrap aunt ethyl's gift", "finish making cousin sid's gift" "wrap cousin sid's gift", etc.).
4. Once you've gotten the lists mapped out - go back and look at them, and see if there is anything you can simplify or just not do. (Do you REALLY need to make a gift for Cousin Sid, or would he be happy with just a gift card? You're planning to do a whole tablescape on the back of the toilet, but maybe you can cut back to just a candle? Or nothing at all?) If there's anything that can be scaled back or cut, adjust your lists.
5. Then - go through the sub-lists and see if there is a natural order that suggests itself ("Okay: I have those groceries to do, and the salon is next to the grocery store, I can do those both the same day") or if there is any way you can enlist help ("if I do the baking and wrapping on Saturday my family can pitch in and help").
Steps 4 and 5 are where a lot of things can happen to help you out. I made a lot of such lists myself to get myself on track, but I ended up scaling back a lot because a) I'm only one person, b) I realized that simpler decorations than what I was planning actually looked just fine, and c) I realized I'd planned out gifts for people that almost never show up at my family's observation anyway, so I just got a couple gift cards for them to have on hand as a just-in-case and called it a day. But it was the giving myself space to think that let me focus enough to get to the point where I realized that.
good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
And yeah, you’re on maternity leave, and you need to cut yourself a ton of slack. Taking care of a tiny human is a more-than-full-time job. It is ok if you have store-bought Christmas cookies this year.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:17 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:17 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Just a note, the baby is easy as pie, it's my eight year old that needs so much attention...
posted by kitcat at 7:20 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by kitcat at 7:20 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Lots of good advice above - one more thing is when I’m overwhelmed I start asking myself what really *has* to happen. I bet you could skip decorating and maybe baking and it would not ruin Christmas.
posted by bunderful at 7:22 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 7:22 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree with all above, and would just add that thing #1 on your list should be to come up with some long, engaging projects for the 8 year old.
- Write a letter to Santa, no asking for spelling help.
- Do a puzzle
- Create a house/city for stuffed animals
- Clean up the living room (doesn't matter how messy it is, this task can take hours)
- Clean up kid's room (ditto)
- Change their own bed sheets, remake bed (ditto)
- Draw pictures for relatives
- Select toys they are done with to either give away or save for the baby
- Browse cookbooks and select some cookie recipes they'd like to try
- Run around the backyard (if available)
- Build the tallest tower (out of magnatiles, legos, blocks, etc.)
posted by papergirl at 7:36 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
- Write a letter to Santa, no asking for spelling help.
- Do a puzzle
- Create a house/city for stuffed animals
- Clean up the living room (doesn't matter how messy it is, this task can take hours)
- Clean up kid's room (ditto)
- Change their own bed sheets, remake bed (ditto)
- Draw pictures for relatives
- Select toys they are done with to either give away or save for the baby
- Browse cookbooks and select some cookie recipes they'd like to try
- Run around the backyard (if available)
- Build the tallest tower (out of magnatiles, legos, blocks, etc.)
posted by papergirl at 7:36 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
1. Make a big list.
2. Check the weather for events that might shift your errands.
3. I think it's better to shop for groceries early than to join the throngs on Saturday/Sunday.
For the items you list, I would suggest:
Thu 20th: cleaning part 1, decorate part 1, handmade gifts
Fri 21st: grocery shopping
Sat 22nd: eyebrows, baking
Sun 23rd: cleaning part 2, decorate part 2, wrap gifts
Mon 24th: cook
posted by xo at 7:37 AM on December 20, 2018
2. Check the weather for events that might shift your errands.
3. I think it's better to shop for groceries early than to join the throngs on Saturday/Sunday.
For the items you list, I would suggest:
Thu 20th: cleaning part 1, decorate part 1, handmade gifts
Fri 21st: grocery shopping
Sat 22nd: eyebrows, baking
Sun 23rd: cleaning part 2, decorate part 2, wrap gifts
Mon 24th: cook
posted by xo at 7:37 AM on December 20, 2018
I had an easy baby too, but all my friends who were begging to help didn't believe me. ;) Do you have anyone like that, but who maybe doesn't much celebrate Christmas themselves, by chance? Or is there anyone who'd like some extra holiday cash, if you can spare it, for watching the older kid?
posted by teremala at 7:38 AM on December 20, 2018
posted by teremala at 7:38 AM on December 20, 2018
You're at home with a new baby and an eight year old, you 100% have an internet strangers permission to say FUCK THIS. You don't need to bake anything. Nobody is going to be traumatised if they eat grocery store cookies instead of homemade ones. You can spend 30 minutes one on one making one special decoration with your kid; you do not need to be Martha Fucking Stewart and make All the Decorations. A tree is festive enough to make Christmas for your family; you do not need to literally deck the halls.
Go get your brows waxed and then do the minimum after that. (The real minimum, not your internal perfectionist's minimum.)
posted by DarlingBri at 7:40 AM on December 20, 2018 [25 favorites]
Go get your brows waxed and then do the minimum after that. (The real minimum, not your internal perfectionist's minimum.)
posted by DarlingBri at 7:40 AM on December 20, 2018 [25 favorites]
Whatever you write down in your listmaking, don't throw that list away! On the 26th, when all this is done, put your list in a spreadsheet on Google Drive so you can use it again next year. I've had success doing this with repeating-but-not-often-enough-to-remember tasks for things like holiday meals, travel, gifting, holiday cards, etc.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 7:45 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 7:45 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
Just a note, the baby is easy as pie, it's my eight year old that needs so much attention...
Is there anything that you can enlist the eight-year-old to help with? It may not be the most expertly-done job, but that may end up being part of the charm.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is there anything that you can enlist the eight-year-old to help with? It may not be the most expertly-done job, but that may end up being part of the charm.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, is there a spouse or partner in the mix? If so, there’s no reason that the cleaning and decorating should be all your responsibility. If you like doing that stuff, can the other parent keep the 8-year-old occupied?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:19 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:19 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
This was said above, but I repeat it for emphasis: seriously consider striking one or two of those “must do” tasks from the list. Ask yourself why you do each thing and what would happen if you skipped it this year. If it’s your own disappointment that you want to avoid, consider giving yourself a break.
posted by wryly at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by wryly at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree, there's no way I would do all this! Could your 8 year old help? My five year old will do all sorts of things if I call her an elf and put a hat on her, I suspect. I mean, she can actually DEEP CLEAN.
posted by heavenknows at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by heavenknows at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
I start with my priorities:
People
- I make a fast grid with Person in one column and gifts bought in the other (with a third column for stockings if this is a person who gets a stocking.) At this point in the year, if I were you I would fill in anyone that doesn't have a gift with a gift card, but if you're confident about your homemade gifts, then that would take priority, for me.
General Food
- This is my next priority, so I would make a meal plan and a shopping list, and then a detailed plan for that day (this can wait until just before Xmas Eve.)
- If I've added gift cards onto this list, I get gift cards from the grocery store or the store next to it, both of which carry various gift cards
Cleaning
- For me this would be next but I would make a list of where I think cleaning is needed and timebox it. For example, I'll spend 1.5 hrs after kids' bedtimes starting with:
- bathroom
- kitchen basics (dishes/counter/steam mop)
- living room
- front hall
Baking
At this point I would just buy some, but that would be my last priority from your list.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:37 AM on December 20, 2018
People
- I make a fast grid with Person in one column and gifts bought in the other (with a third column for stockings if this is a person who gets a stocking.) At this point in the year, if I were you I would fill in anyone that doesn't have a gift with a gift card, but if you're confident about your homemade gifts, then that would take priority, for me.
General Food
- This is my next priority, so I would make a meal plan and a shopping list, and then a detailed plan for that day (this can wait until just before Xmas Eve.)
- If I've added gift cards onto this list, I get gift cards from the grocery store or the store next to it, both of which carry various gift cards
Cleaning
- For me this would be next but I would make a list of where I think cleaning is needed and timebox it. For example, I'll spend 1.5 hrs after kids' bedtimes starting with:
- bathroom
- kitchen basics (dishes/counter/steam mop)
- living room
- front hall
Baking
At this point I would just buy some, but that would be my last priority from your list.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:37 AM on December 20, 2018
Each time I was overwhelmed this week, I realized I could just ask (tell) my partner to be in charge of (thing). It sucks doing the emotional labor of having to tell them that (thing) is something that needs to happen, but once I do, they make it happen.
It sounds like you have a husband from your previous asks, so can you offload this list to him? Can you even offload the prioritization of this list to him? :) As other posters said, with an infant you have full permission to do none of the things on your list, but I might tell my partner: "Figure out which of these needs to happen for a minimum viable xmas for our eight-year-old, and make them happen."
Re: cleaning the house, are you in a financial state where you can hire a one-time cleaner? Can your husband do the internet work of identifying and hiring one? :)
posted by homodachi at 11:24 AM on December 20, 2018
It sounds like you have a husband from your previous asks, so can you offload this list to him? Can you even offload the prioritization of this list to him? :) As other posters said, with an infant you have full permission to do none of the things on your list, but I might tell my partner: "Figure out which of these needs to happen for a minimum viable xmas for our eight-year-old, and make them happen."
Re: cleaning the house, are you in a financial state where you can hire a one-time cleaner? Can your husband do the internet work of identifying and hiring one? :)
posted by homodachi at 11:24 AM on December 20, 2018
Christmas is a tradition. And traditions are nothing unless you pass them on to the kids. It's time to figure out what the eight-year-old wants to participate in. Delegate EVERYTHING you can, including the decision making to the eight-year-old!!!
Does your eight-year-old want Christmas cookies? Fine, then your-eight-year old doesn't just want to eat them, your eight-year-old wants to make them. Making cookies is Christmas. If only the eating part is Christmas, then don't bake any cookies for the eight-year-old, buy them.
If your eight-year-old can't do things but wants too and is excited then give him the means to play at Christmas to keep him occupied. Hand him some scissors, sticky tape and scraps of wrapping paper and get him to wrap presents to give to his action figures. Batman would be delight to receive a lumpy bundle of scotch tape and torn paper this year, containing a pop bottle cap, or an eraser, or a walnut. Get him to read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" out loud to you while you nurse. Send him out to the yard to decorate the fence with the garland that you decided was too beat up to use this year, so that Santa will be sure to see the house and the reindeer will know where to land.
Go through your list of things you want (note emphasis WANT not feel you should, or need to do to maintain the tradition) and figure out which things you and the eight-year-old both want. These things will be your priority.
Plan to make Christmas linger. Christmas was always twelve days long, not counting Christmas Eve, for a reason. Figure out which things don't have to be on The Day. Try to figure out a few things that can be postponed and enjoyed more thoroughly during the rest of the Christmas school holiday. Some of the Christmas baking could possibly take place on the 27th or 28th. So could visiting friends who aren't desperate to see you on The Day. So could the playing of Christmas music, the walk or drive around the neighbourhood to see the Christmas lights, the playing together with the game that was gotten for Christmas, the taking of special pictures, the burning of the Yule Log (It used to be an entire tree trunk that burned over the whole twelve days).
Are any of your home made gift recipients the kind who don't care about The Day as much as others? You may want to give homemade slippers to your brother and you know he will love them, but your brother may be the kind of easy-going non-traditionalist who would be very happy to have you drop by on the twenty-ninth. List all the home made gifts you want to make in order of importance and flexibility. If Grandmum HAS to get her gift Christmas Eve and Christmas will be ruined if she doesn't get it then, her gift takes priority over the gift for Aunt Jane who will give a disagreeable sniff at getting the gift on January 15th, but is guaranteed to give a disagreeable sniff over something on Christmas Day and all subsequent visits anyway, and you hardly notice them any more so avoiding an unavoidable sniff isn't going to break the day. When giving late gifts make the occasion special - "I didn't even get to talk to you on The Day with the houseful of relatives, let's have a special sister-brother hot chocolate visit" and then emphasize to your brother how glad you were to be able to make that gift and get it to him during the twelve days. Make sure he is aware you are happy that you could make him a gift, and delighted that you got to do so, and this will take the sting off the gift not arriving on The Day. If you cannot pull off your delight that you got to make this gift... then buy him a gift, don't make one.
Your list needs to be in order of importance. If the most important thing is that you get to see Grammy and Grampy, and Swanson Turkey TV dinners all round would be acceptable over roast-turkey-from-the-oven with no Grammy and Grampy around the table, then making sure the sewing room is converted back into the spare bedroom for Grammy and Grampy takes priority over that turkey dinner.
Plan for some disasters. The tree will be knocked over. The cat will have to go to the vet. The baby will start crying and cry untypically and worryingly from nine a.m. Christmas morning until 4:26 Christmas afternoon. The turkey will catch fire and Christmas dinner will have to be eaten outside while the smoke clears, in the cars, and consist of green peas, cake, boiled potatoes and gravy. The eight-year-old will unwrap everything you have wrapped for everyone, shredding the paper and packages at four AM on Christmas Eve and then run away from home out of guilt and shame to go live in the garage. The eight-year-old will suffer an excitement crash and burst into utterly un-polite tantrum tears at the $12,000 education fund she gets instead of the iPod Touch she thought she was getting and Grammy will turn white with disappointment. and you will feel the visceral body blow that Grammy feels in sympathy.
One of these things, or something comparative will happen. Prepare for it so that when it happens you can sail through it with decent morale and still enjoy the rest of Christmas around the edges. If the family remembers these things fondly later and twelve years from now Grammy is saying, "You know why she gets those good marks? Because she understands. My Granddaughter. Best of the bunch." Or if no Christmas is complete without the whole party howling with laughter as they recall trying not to tip their plates of green peas into the snow in the driveway, and the grown-up-slightly baby complains that you are not doing the same thing this year, she missed it and couldn't you do again some year when she would remember it, you will have handled the disasters correctly. Christmas is only ruined when people behave in a way that is not loving.
So right now you are getting stressed because you are getting stuck with so much to do, so I'd like you to start a new tradition where you look at your list of things to do for Christmas, and strike out one-quarter of them, off the list and substitute things YOU would rather do and do those things instead. You are the Mater Familias and the ringmaster and the step-and-fetch-it, and as the years continue this will get worse. Christmas will become a bigger and longer chore list with less pay off for you as each year you try to stage manage it so that it honours the memories of your Childhood Christmases and creates Christmas memories for your children, and if you do not take steps to turn this Christmas and each subsequent Christmas into something that nurtures you, you will grow to resent and hate the season. And from there there is a slippery slope towards hating and resenting the people with whom you celebrate Christmas.... No.
Pick the two most essential things that make Christmas feel like Christmas to you, the things that make you feel loved, and plan those to be what happens Every Christmas. And then put everything else on the table as optional, the things that get swapped in and out, done one year, skipped the next. Christmas Eve boiled ham and clam chowder? Not this year, next year. This year we do take out Chinese. A strong tradition is one that comes back when there is an interruption. Strong traditions need to be interruptible. If they are not they cannot pass from one generation to another. This year you will do caroling, but next year you will not because it is sleeting freezing rain. Or next year you will skip the turkey in honour of your vegan guest.
Make sure at least one quarter of the things you are doing are things for which you are the primary recipient and person who takes the primary pleasure in them. You don't want to do the Christmas dinner dishes and are dreading them? Then shove them all out onto the back porch to wait until Boxing day to be done in small batches. (Unless you live in bear country!) If the kids want stockings and you are finding it a burden then explain to the kids that unless they stuff a stocking for you there will be no stockings next year. (Unless they believe that Santa Claus is stuffing them. In which case Santa has to stuff a stocking for you too, because you have been a good parent.)
Schedule some down time for yourself. If there is no possible way you can get everything done on time unless you work like mad, than accept that it will not be done on time, that you will turn out to be out of sugar or red wool, or need to run out to get antihistamines, and that it is already not going to all get done on time. Sorry. You have missed the deadline. Take the afternoon off from Christmas preparations. Take a nap while the baby sleeps and the eight-year-old is reading. Sit on the couch and giggle with the eight year old and play hide and seek with her Kuroba toys in the couch cushions. Say to heck with it, shove the bowl of cake batter into the fridge and go out for a walk while it is still daylight. Close all the doors to a messy house and warn your guests that they are NOT to go upstairs because you haven't cleaned and if they do go upstairs you will burst into tears and THEY will have ruined Christmas. Start a new Christmas tradition of spending the day in your pajamas with your eyebrows looking like caterpillars and your hair looking suspiciously unwashed.
You won't enjoy Christmas if you're not happy, and the kids will not enjoy Christmas if you end up at a simmer of rage, and this can happen, if not this year another year. So stop and say, am I enjoying this? Yes? No? What do I really want to be doing right now? If one year, God forbid, one of the kids is in hospital in another State over Christmas, you would be so grateful to get together, to still have both your kids and celebrate Christmas as a family on January eighteenth, cancel school, feast together, have a celebrating family coming together to embrace and rejoice. Aim for that feeling, for the fact that the stuff done and the stuff finished is less important than the fact that you are joyful.
I'm not saying the gift for Aunt Jane isn't important. It is. But if you finish the gift on time and you are groggy and cranky and resentful of Aunt Jane then you failed because the gift making has to nourish you. Look at your list of things to do and say, which one of these things would be the most fun? Do that one. And if none of them would be fun, don't do any of them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:28 AM on December 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
Does your eight-year-old want Christmas cookies? Fine, then your-eight-year old doesn't just want to eat them, your eight-year-old wants to make them. Making cookies is Christmas. If only the eating part is Christmas, then don't bake any cookies for the eight-year-old, buy them.
If your eight-year-old can't do things but wants too and is excited then give him the means to play at Christmas to keep him occupied. Hand him some scissors, sticky tape and scraps of wrapping paper and get him to wrap presents to give to his action figures. Batman would be delight to receive a lumpy bundle of scotch tape and torn paper this year, containing a pop bottle cap, or an eraser, or a walnut. Get him to read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" out loud to you while you nurse. Send him out to the yard to decorate the fence with the garland that you decided was too beat up to use this year, so that Santa will be sure to see the house and the reindeer will know where to land.
Go through your list of things you want (note emphasis WANT not feel you should, or need to do to maintain the tradition) and figure out which things you and the eight-year-old both want. These things will be your priority.
Plan to make Christmas linger. Christmas was always twelve days long, not counting Christmas Eve, for a reason. Figure out which things don't have to be on The Day. Try to figure out a few things that can be postponed and enjoyed more thoroughly during the rest of the Christmas school holiday. Some of the Christmas baking could possibly take place on the 27th or 28th. So could visiting friends who aren't desperate to see you on The Day. So could the playing of Christmas music, the walk or drive around the neighbourhood to see the Christmas lights, the playing together with the game that was gotten for Christmas, the taking of special pictures, the burning of the Yule Log (It used to be an entire tree trunk that burned over the whole twelve days).
Are any of your home made gift recipients the kind who don't care about The Day as much as others? You may want to give homemade slippers to your brother and you know he will love them, but your brother may be the kind of easy-going non-traditionalist who would be very happy to have you drop by on the twenty-ninth. List all the home made gifts you want to make in order of importance and flexibility. If Grandmum HAS to get her gift Christmas Eve and Christmas will be ruined if she doesn't get it then, her gift takes priority over the gift for Aunt Jane who will give a disagreeable sniff at getting the gift on January 15th, but is guaranteed to give a disagreeable sniff over something on Christmas Day and all subsequent visits anyway, and you hardly notice them any more so avoiding an unavoidable sniff isn't going to break the day. When giving late gifts make the occasion special - "I didn't even get to talk to you on The Day with the houseful of relatives, let's have a special sister-brother hot chocolate visit" and then emphasize to your brother how glad you were to be able to make that gift and get it to him during the twelve days. Make sure he is aware you are happy that you could make him a gift, and delighted that you got to do so, and this will take the sting off the gift not arriving on The Day. If you cannot pull off your delight that you got to make this gift... then buy him a gift, don't make one.
Your list needs to be in order of importance. If the most important thing is that you get to see Grammy and Grampy, and Swanson Turkey TV dinners all round would be acceptable over roast-turkey-from-the-oven with no Grammy and Grampy around the table, then making sure the sewing room is converted back into the spare bedroom for Grammy and Grampy takes priority over that turkey dinner.
Plan for some disasters. The tree will be knocked over. The cat will have to go to the vet. The baby will start crying and cry untypically and worryingly from nine a.m. Christmas morning until 4:26 Christmas afternoon. The turkey will catch fire and Christmas dinner will have to be eaten outside while the smoke clears, in the cars, and consist of green peas, cake, boiled potatoes and gravy. The eight-year-old will unwrap everything you have wrapped for everyone, shredding the paper and packages at four AM on Christmas Eve and then run away from home out of guilt and shame to go live in the garage. The eight-year-old will suffer an excitement crash and burst into utterly un-polite tantrum tears at the $12,000 education fund she gets instead of the iPod Touch she thought she was getting and Grammy will turn white with disappointment. and you will feel the visceral body blow that Grammy feels in sympathy.
One of these things, or something comparative will happen. Prepare for it so that when it happens you can sail through it with decent morale and still enjoy the rest of Christmas around the edges. If the family remembers these things fondly later and twelve years from now Grammy is saying, "You know why she gets those good marks? Because she understands. My Granddaughter. Best of the bunch." Or if no Christmas is complete without the whole party howling with laughter as they recall trying not to tip their plates of green peas into the snow in the driveway, and the grown-up-slightly baby complains that you are not doing the same thing this year, she missed it and couldn't you do again some year when she would remember it, you will have handled the disasters correctly. Christmas is only ruined when people behave in a way that is not loving.
So right now you are getting stressed because you are getting stuck with so much to do, so I'd like you to start a new tradition where you look at your list of things to do for Christmas, and strike out one-quarter of them, off the list and substitute things YOU would rather do and do those things instead. You are the Mater Familias and the ringmaster and the step-and-fetch-it, and as the years continue this will get worse. Christmas will become a bigger and longer chore list with less pay off for you as each year you try to stage manage it so that it honours the memories of your Childhood Christmases and creates Christmas memories for your children, and if you do not take steps to turn this Christmas and each subsequent Christmas into something that nurtures you, you will grow to resent and hate the season. And from there there is a slippery slope towards hating and resenting the people with whom you celebrate Christmas.... No.
Pick the two most essential things that make Christmas feel like Christmas to you, the things that make you feel loved, and plan those to be what happens Every Christmas. And then put everything else on the table as optional, the things that get swapped in and out, done one year, skipped the next. Christmas Eve boiled ham and clam chowder? Not this year, next year. This year we do take out Chinese. A strong tradition is one that comes back when there is an interruption. Strong traditions need to be interruptible. If they are not they cannot pass from one generation to another. This year you will do caroling, but next year you will not because it is sleeting freezing rain. Or next year you will skip the turkey in honour of your vegan guest.
Make sure at least one quarter of the things you are doing are things for which you are the primary recipient and person who takes the primary pleasure in them. You don't want to do the Christmas dinner dishes and are dreading them? Then shove them all out onto the back porch to wait until Boxing day to be done in small batches. (Unless you live in bear country!) If the kids want stockings and you are finding it a burden then explain to the kids that unless they stuff a stocking for you there will be no stockings next year. (Unless they believe that Santa Claus is stuffing them. In which case Santa has to stuff a stocking for you too, because you have been a good parent.)
Schedule some down time for yourself. If there is no possible way you can get everything done on time unless you work like mad, than accept that it will not be done on time, that you will turn out to be out of sugar or red wool, or need to run out to get antihistamines, and that it is already not going to all get done on time. Sorry. You have missed the deadline. Take the afternoon off from Christmas preparations. Take a nap while the baby sleeps and the eight-year-old is reading. Sit on the couch and giggle with the eight year old and play hide and seek with her Kuroba toys in the couch cushions. Say to heck with it, shove the bowl of cake batter into the fridge and go out for a walk while it is still daylight. Close all the doors to a messy house and warn your guests that they are NOT to go upstairs because you haven't cleaned and if they do go upstairs you will burst into tears and THEY will have ruined Christmas. Start a new Christmas tradition of spending the day in your pajamas with your eyebrows looking like caterpillars and your hair looking suspiciously unwashed.
You won't enjoy Christmas if you're not happy, and the kids will not enjoy Christmas if you end up at a simmer of rage, and this can happen, if not this year another year. So stop and say, am I enjoying this? Yes? No? What do I really want to be doing right now? If one year, God forbid, one of the kids is in hospital in another State over Christmas, you would be so grateful to get together, to still have both your kids and celebrate Christmas as a family on January eighteenth, cancel school, feast together, have a celebrating family coming together to embrace and rejoice. Aim for that feeling, for the fact that the stuff done and the stuff finished is less important than the fact that you are joyful.
I'm not saying the gift for Aunt Jane isn't important. It is. But if you finish the gift on time and you are groggy and cranky and resentful of Aunt Jane then you failed because the gift making has to nourish you. Look at your list of things to do and say, which one of these things would be the most fun? Do that one. And if none of them would be fun, don't do any of them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:28 AM on December 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
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posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:11 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]