Have yourself a pleasant end of year period
October 22, 2016 8:42 PM Subscribe
I'm trying to think about what to do for the Christmas-New Years-Early January Birthday period this year. Every year I get stressed out and exhausted thinking about all the planning buying all the presents, doing all the cleaning & decorating and such that I don't really get around to anything and the actual days in question are kind of let downs. Then I feel regret and wish I could get a re-do. Trying to avoid it all this year. Any thoughts?
At the end of the year there's about a 3 week period of Christmas, New Years, and my hubby's birthday on Jan 3 (which, he is not one of those "I don't care about my birthday" types (which is fair because neither am I)).
OK so given that it's just me & the hubs, you'd think this would all be simple and manageable. We have no kids & both of our families are far away and aren't coming to visit this year (we just visited over the summer).
I'm just afraid of falling into the same cycle as the last few years. I find all the work you have to do to produce a nice holiday to be incredibly daunting & exhausting - shopping for all the food, cleaning the house so it feels nice and not like a shabby mess like it is right now, getting a tree, putting it up, thinking of what would be a good present for someone I spend every day with and who buys whatever they want whenever they want it and then having to do that several more times and then again a week later. Even if I hire someone to help clean it just makes me feel wiped out and I hate it. The emotional labor of dealing with cleaning people is also really hard for me - finding, scheduling, answering all their constant questions, etc. So then my next thought is "Oh who cares. How you celebrate is up to you. You can just take it easy if that's what you want." But I know from experience if I don't the work and the actual days turn into boring, depressing letdowns. I sit there filled with regret - why didn't I do the work! Why can't I have a re-do?
So then I think - ok keep it simple. Go out to a nice dinner. Go see a comedy show. I dunno every time we do that lately it just feels so been there done that that it's hard to motivate myself to do all the work of finding a place, making sure it's special enough, driving all the way there. (We live in the north part of the east part of the SF bay)
There's also the idea of traveling but that's problematic too. For one thing we both hate leaving our kitty alone/with a sitter who comes in. We have at least 2 For another thing Hubby is partially disabled and finds hotel rooms unpleasant, even if it's a really nice one. For his birthday last year at the last minute (because I couldn't will myself to do any of this planning ahead of time) I got us a hotel room at a nice resort nearby with massages & a nice fancy dinner and I think he just went along with it but I think he'd just rather be at home. (I also kind of messed that up though due to lack of planning). This is probably our best options. But where to go? Budget isn't great.
I have also thought about volunteering but I dunno we both have issues with fatigue and I hate feeling like "one of those people who only bothers with volunteering during the holidays" "savior complex type who's just trying to alleviate their own ennui". I mean?
Worth noting I have off for the entire time I'm talking about so we could do stuff, I just have a hard time thinking about what because nothing sounds good. Does anybody have any ideas? Something to break me out of this funk?
PS If I sound really depressed in this post, and reading it over it screams depression, I know. I'm just having a hard time working through this one thing and coming up with a plan. I already have a therapist. Don't suggest I ask Hubby to do any of this because he already has a planning task assigned and I don't feel like waiting til Dec 12 to find out if we're doing anything or not.
At the end of the year there's about a 3 week period of Christmas, New Years, and my hubby's birthday on Jan 3 (which, he is not one of those "I don't care about my birthday" types (which is fair because neither am I)).
OK so given that it's just me & the hubs, you'd think this would all be simple and manageable. We have no kids & both of our families are far away and aren't coming to visit this year (we just visited over the summer).
I'm just afraid of falling into the same cycle as the last few years. I find all the work you have to do to produce a nice holiday to be incredibly daunting & exhausting - shopping for all the food, cleaning the house so it feels nice and not like a shabby mess like it is right now, getting a tree, putting it up, thinking of what would be a good present for someone I spend every day with and who buys whatever they want whenever they want it and then having to do that several more times and then again a week later. Even if I hire someone to help clean it just makes me feel wiped out and I hate it. The emotional labor of dealing with cleaning people is also really hard for me - finding, scheduling, answering all their constant questions, etc. So then my next thought is "Oh who cares. How you celebrate is up to you. You can just take it easy if that's what you want." But I know from experience if I don't the work and the actual days turn into boring, depressing letdowns. I sit there filled with regret - why didn't I do the work! Why can't I have a re-do?
So then I think - ok keep it simple. Go out to a nice dinner. Go see a comedy show. I dunno every time we do that lately it just feels so been there done that that it's hard to motivate myself to do all the work of finding a place, making sure it's special enough, driving all the way there. (We live in the north part of the east part of the SF bay)
There's also the idea of traveling but that's problematic too. For one thing we both hate leaving our kitty alone/with a sitter who comes in. We have at least 2 For another thing Hubby is partially disabled and finds hotel rooms unpleasant, even if it's a really nice one. For his birthday last year at the last minute (because I couldn't will myself to do any of this planning ahead of time) I got us a hotel room at a nice resort nearby with massages & a nice fancy dinner and I think he just went along with it but I think he'd just rather be at home. (I also kind of messed that up though due to lack of planning). This is probably our best options. But where to go? Budget isn't great.
I have also thought about volunteering but I dunno we both have issues with fatigue and I hate feeling like "one of those people who only bothers with volunteering during the holidays" "savior complex type who's just trying to alleviate their own ennui". I mean?
Worth noting I have off for the entire time I'm talking about so we could do stuff, I just have a hard time thinking about what because nothing sounds good. Does anybody have any ideas? Something to break me out of this funk?
PS If I sound really depressed in this post, and reading it over it screams depression, I know. I'm just having a hard time working through this one thing and coming up with a plan. I already have a therapist. Don't suggest I ask Hubby to do any of this because he already has a planning task assigned and I don't feel like waiting til Dec 12 to find out if we're doing anything or not.
Could you do a kind of open house for either Christmas Eve or Christmas? For these holidays, I feel like it's not special unless you're with a group of people - either family that you don't see much or any friends who might be in town without plans of their own. Doing all that tidying up and decorating feels so much more worth it when you're doing it for a group of people.
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:40 PM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:40 PM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is totally me, or rather, it was totally me.
I used to spend every Christmas either furious and exhausted, or hopelessly disappointed, until I let go of a lot of my high achiever Christmas expectations. I don't have the help to execute, or frankly the organisational skills to produce a Martha Stewart Christmas experience, and I was driving everyone insane in the process of failing each year.
I finally sat down and wrote a list of what we actually wanted out of our holiday, regardless of how that mirrored or didn't what I *thought* I wanted, and we just do that, not a single thing more.
So maybe you can just do that too, work out what things really matter, and what things don't. Like, you sound like having the house tidy and decorated really matters to you, but the labour of buying presents is sucking your will to live, so maybe you and your husband can agree to have no presents, or five dollar presents, or one big present each, or a big present you share or whatever will make you happy.
Ultimately, I decided the holiday season was for bringing us joy, and celebrating how much we all love each other. So we just focus on that, not on buying stuff we don't need, not on doing pointless work, just eating stuff we like, watching movies and reading new books, and relaxing with each other.
posted by glitter at 1:16 AM on October 23, 2016 [4 favorites]
I used to spend every Christmas either furious and exhausted, or hopelessly disappointed, until I let go of a lot of my high achiever Christmas expectations. I don't have the help to execute, or frankly the organisational skills to produce a Martha Stewart Christmas experience, and I was driving everyone insane in the process of failing each year.
I finally sat down and wrote a list of what we actually wanted out of our holiday, regardless of how that mirrored or didn't what I *thought* I wanted, and we just do that, not a single thing more.
So maybe you can just do that too, work out what things really matter, and what things don't. Like, you sound like having the house tidy and decorated really matters to you, but the labour of buying presents is sucking your will to live, so maybe you and your husband can agree to have no presents, or five dollar presents, or one big present each, or a big present you share or whatever will make you happy.
Ultimately, I decided the holiday season was for bringing us joy, and celebrating how much we all love each other. So we just focus on that, not on buying stuff we don't need, not on doing pointless work, just eating stuff we like, watching movies and reading new books, and relaxing with each other.
posted by glitter at 1:16 AM on October 23, 2016 [4 favorites]
Here's my personal recipe for a happy two person festive season.
1. Make sure there's plenty of stuff in the freezer for making whatever really easy pleasant meals you (plural) might like to make normally. Save yourself from having to do a big shop at the last minute just because you need to eat.
2. Agree with all your friends and family that presents are overrated and you'd rather just spend some better quality time with them next time the opportunity arises. Don't buy any presents.
3. Go to the butchers and buy two of the fanciest steaks you can get your hands on. Ask the butcher for recommendations. Commiserate with the butcher that they are obliged to eat turkey and trimmings when you are having steak.
4. Get some veg suitable for roasting. Sweet potatoes, peppers, whatever.
5. Also purchase plenty of tasty booze, tasty cheese, and hot chocolate fixings.
6. Rope your husband into spending a morning having lovely family together time with you, getting your house clean and sparkly and tidy. Because a sparkly tidy house is lovely at Christmas.
7. Fuck decorating.
8. If there is a pub within walking distance that's open on Christmas morning then go there for a pint while the roast veg is cooking.
9. Steak takes 15mins to cook and that's including the resting time!
10. Wrap up and go for a walk together around your neighbourhood and talk about hopes for next year
11. Spend the evening under a cosy blanket with the booze and the cheese and something from Netflix that you would never normally watch.
12. Spend the rest of the two weeks doing little house projects together or jigsaws or Scrabble and having a lot of lazy breakfasts. Listen to music together and take it in turns to choose the tunes. Write catch-up emails to friends you haven't seen in too long.
posted by emilyw at 4:40 AM on October 23, 2016 [15 favorites]
1. Make sure there's plenty of stuff in the freezer for making whatever really easy pleasant meals you (plural) might like to make normally. Save yourself from having to do a big shop at the last minute just because you need to eat.
2. Agree with all your friends and family that presents are overrated and you'd rather just spend some better quality time with them next time the opportunity arises. Don't buy any presents.
3. Go to the butchers and buy two of the fanciest steaks you can get your hands on. Ask the butcher for recommendations. Commiserate with the butcher that they are obliged to eat turkey and trimmings when you are having steak.
4. Get some veg suitable for roasting. Sweet potatoes, peppers, whatever.
5. Also purchase plenty of tasty booze, tasty cheese, and hot chocolate fixings.
6. Rope your husband into spending a morning having lovely family together time with you, getting your house clean and sparkly and tidy. Because a sparkly tidy house is lovely at Christmas.
7. Fuck decorating.
8. If there is a pub within walking distance that's open on Christmas morning then go there for a pint while the roast veg is cooking.
9. Steak takes 15mins to cook and that's including the resting time!
10. Wrap up and go for a walk together around your neighbourhood and talk about hopes for next year
11. Spend the evening under a cosy blanket with the booze and the cheese and something from Netflix that you would never normally watch.
12. Spend the rest of the two weeks doing little house projects together or jigsaws or Scrabble and having a lot of lazy breakfasts. Listen to music together and take it in turns to choose the tunes. Write catch-up emails to friends you haven't seen in too long.
posted by emilyw at 4:40 AM on October 23, 2016 [15 favorites]
Before you buy an xmas tree, go to the arts and crafts store, buy some polymer clay, paper clay, googly eyes, acrylic paint, shiny paper, felt, etc. Put on a silly xmas playlist and make some ornaments together. Laugh at the results, but still hang them on the tree.
posted by Morpeth at 5:52 AM on October 23, 2016
posted by Morpeth at 5:52 AM on October 23, 2016
You say you both have issues with fatigue, and that's certainly what stands out for me in that post. You sound exhausted (physically, emotionally, and mentally). I sympathize, because I've been in that position. Why don't you respect that and work with that this year?
Here are some ways that you could do that:
- have NO plans at all beyond basic self-care and the minimum of daily house work (dishes, change the cat box); if the mood strikes you, by all means go somewhere, but don't make plans to do so. That takes care of the problem of having to plan something (and all the exhausted feelings around that)
- make your time a mini-retreat where you devote yourself to renewal of body, emotions, and spirituality (if this is important to you). If this seems like just one more thing you have to plan and arrange for, don't. Just plan to stay at home and not answer the door or the phone or handle any E-mail. Just . . . rest. Sleep, do yoga if you like that, have something quick and nourishing for lunch, watch TV, read, nap some more, order in for dinner
- maybe have one day, just after the whole Christmas busy time, dedicated to intensive self-care (a spa day, or maybe an intensive massage, or even a mani-pedi)
You get the idea. Everything that is making you tired now at the thought of it--don't do it. Just don't. You are exhausted. Make this your renewal time.
posted by purplesludge at 6:32 AM on October 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
Here are some ways that you could do that:
- have NO plans at all beyond basic self-care and the minimum of daily house work (dishes, change the cat box); if the mood strikes you, by all means go somewhere, but don't make plans to do so. That takes care of the problem of having to plan something (and all the exhausted feelings around that)
- make your time a mini-retreat where you devote yourself to renewal of body, emotions, and spirituality (if this is important to you). If this seems like just one more thing you have to plan and arrange for, don't. Just plan to stay at home and not answer the door or the phone or handle any E-mail. Just . . . rest. Sleep, do yoga if you like that, have something quick and nourishing for lunch, watch TV, read, nap some more, order in for dinner
- maybe have one day, just after the whole Christmas busy time, dedicated to intensive self-care (a spa day, or maybe an intensive massage, or even a mani-pedi)
You get the idea. Everything that is making you tired now at the thought of it--don't do it. Just don't. You are exhausted. Make this your renewal time.
posted by purplesludge at 6:32 AM on October 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
I didn't address this, although maybe I should have: the actual days in question are kind of let downs.
I totally get what you mean here. I would suggest that you re-frame your approach to the days, your expectations for them, and that will help to prevent that feeling of them being a let down. If you *plan* for this time to be a renewal period at the end of the year before meeting whatever the new year brings, then the days won't be a let down when you are resting. If you see this as being your escape from the busy time of life in general and the holidays in particular, it has a chance to be much more rewarding.
posted by purplesludge at 6:44 AM on October 23, 2016
I totally get what you mean here. I would suggest that you re-frame your approach to the days, your expectations for them, and that will help to prevent that feeling of them being a let down. If you *plan* for this time to be a renewal period at the end of the year before meeting whatever the new year brings, then the days won't be a let down when you are resting. If you see this as being your escape from the busy time of life in general and the holidays in particular, it has a chance to be much more rewarding.
posted by purplesludge at 6:44 AM on October 23, 2016
We are very similar to you guys. I have tackled this by accepting that we are not going to have hallmark holidays, really thinking about what we need, and minimizing the work needed to achieve that.
* A tree is nice but it isn't required. At all. We have: strung lights on a chair; put boughs in a vase and hung ornaments from them; put a wreath on the fireplace and hung lights on the mantle. I'm pretty sure it is the lights that make Christmas!
* A festive meal can be acquired. You can do not have to cook it from scratch. You can arrange to pickup the day before from Boston Market or Whole Foods or put together a ready-meal from your favourite grocery store or whatever. (I kind of like this option since the chance of me say, gratining my own potatoes au gratin is nill.) You also do not need to be bound by tradition: my mother boils lobster for Christmas.
* We binge watch a series over Chrstmas. It's actually really nice!
* The house does not need to be clean. In my personal world, the kitchen and the living room need to be clean.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:12 AM on October 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
* A tree is nice but it isn't required. At all. We have: strung lights on a chair; put boughs in a vase and hung ornaments from them; put a wreath on the fireplace and hung lights on the mantle. I'm pretty sure it is the lights that make Christmas!
* A festive meal can be acquired. You can do not have to cook it from scratch. You can arrange to pickup the day before from Boston Market or Whole Foods or put together a ready-meal from your favourite grocery store or whatever. (I kind of like this option since the chance of me say, gratining my own potatoes au gratin is nill.) You also do not need to be bound by tradition: my mother boils lobster for Christmas.
* We binge watch a series over Chrstmas. It's actually really nice!
* The house does not need to be clean. In my personal world, the kitchen and the living room need to be clean.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:12 AM on October 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
I totally echo the advice above about reducing the amount of work required and focusing in on the things that matter most. I just wanted to toss another idea out there that I sometimes do, which is treating the prep work as part of the celebration itself. Trimming the tree as a family might be the most obvious example of this! When cleaning I might make into more of a ritual by putting on my favorite holiday music that I only listen to this time of year; or lighting some special holiday-scented candles or having something festive baking in the oven that fills the apartment with yummy smells; or think of other special holiday-related pleasures and link them to some of the less fun parts of the process.
I'm totally with you on the difficulty of gift-giving, too... I'm starting to do it less and less with certain people and, like you mentioned, try for sharing experiences together instead. And/or putting less pressure on myself to do something "unique" and just coming with something that the person will enjoy, since really it is the thought that counts, the gesture that you want them to enjoy a little something in celebration of the holiday. :) Easier said than done, but I'm working on it and am appreciating the comments in this thread for that reason! Thanks for asking the question.
posted by inatizzy at 3:33 PM on October 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm totally with you on the difficulty of gift-giving, too... I'm starting to do it less and less with certain people and, like you mentioned, try for sharing experiences together instead. And/or putting less pressure on myself to do something "unique" and just coming with something that the person will enjoy, since really it is the thought that counts, the gesture that you want them to enjoy a little something in celebration of the holiday. :) Easier said than done, but I'm working on it and am appreciating the comments in this thread for that reason! Thanks for asking the question.
posted by inatizzy at 3:33 PM on October 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is it a winter thing? How far north are you? Maybe a happy light could help with mood/fatigue if it's some SAD contributing.
posted by rux at 4:54 PM on October 23, 2016
posted by rux at 4:54 PM on October 23, 2016
Random thought. Would the two of you enjoy a stay-cation together? Schedule the same days off. Hang out at home and read or watch movies.
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:03 AM on October 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:03 AM on October 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If not, I suggest offloading a bunch of stuff on to him this year. Let him come up with the plan for what to do, or let him take lead on the decorations this year. It may feel super-weird at first, because it's lower-key than what you're used to, but I have a feeling that some of the fatigue you're feeling may be because you've been shouldering a lot of the responsibility. And maybe if he takes the lead in one area, you can be freed up to be more gung-ho about another area.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:27 PM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]