Insta-etiquette

December 15, 2018 5:39 AM

If someone you know in real life follows you on Instagram and you don't follow them back, is that a major social faux pas or snub?

Sorry for this ridiculous question but it's something I've been wondering.

I have some people (whom I know in real life reasonably well) following me on instagram whom I don't really wish to follow back and I also follow some people (again, whom I know in real life quite well) who don't follow me back. I was just wondering if this is really rude. I don't feel it as particularly rude behaviour, but am I an outlier in thinking so?

I know this is super trivial, even petty, so please don't be at pains to point that out. I was just wondering if there is a consensus around such social media behaviour.

posted by Ziggy500 to Human Relations (24 answers total)

No. I'm an avid user of Instagram and multiple other social channels, but I'm 49. I and people of my age in my acquaintance circle don't consider this at all rude. They are my feeds to curate, and I'll allow only who and what I want to see. That's the whole point of the setup, in my estimation. However, one of my close friends is 8 years younger than me and is paralyzed with anxiety in such situations, so I understand that there are demographics who think it might be rude.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:48 AM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

I say not rude.

If they wanted me to follow them back they'd post something more interesting than their perennially sticky toddler or the essential oils they think cure depression. The year we spent in the same homeroom in middle school just isn't enough for me to put myself through that.
posted by phunniemee at 5:51 AM on December 15, 2018 [41 favorites]

Not rude. Instagram is set up specifically to allow each user to follow who they want- it’s not like Facebook where two people have to decide to link up.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:55 AM on December 15, 2018

Another vote for not rude.

I only rarely think to look and see who is following me, and I assume I'm not the only one.
posted by bunderful at 6:02 AM on December 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

there are people i know very well that i refuse to follow back on various social media sites because nothing they post is of any interest to me, or is something i actively loathe with an unreasonable passion (hockey), and i would have to mute them anyway. i know one person thinks it's rude but she tends to think anyone not paying attention to her every move is rude, so obviously ymmv.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:02 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

No. I can’t imagine ever caring about this.
posted by a strong female character at 6:02 AM on December 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

I say not rude.

If they wanted me to follow them back they'd post something more interesting than their perennially sticky toddler or the essential oils they think cure depression.

phunniemee speaks for me. The people I don't follow back just aren't interesting to me for a variety of reasons. I felt a little guilty at first but then I got over it. I don't mind kids pictures or food pictures but if the composition of the picture if terrible and the person is prolific, I know it will bug me more than anything. I also don't follow my friends who use IG to project an image of a lifestyle blog. They probably don't notice, which is nice.

(But I also mostly post pictures of coffee that all look the same, and I know that's boring for some but I also don't expect them to follow me.)
posted by kendrak at 6:08 AM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

If you are worried about being rude you can follow people back and "mute" them (new feature), I do that for someone who I like but can't stand their feed, but I think people get that you may not want to see their posts.
posted by lafemma at 6:34 AM on December 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

No. The day there is some kind of social obligation to follow people back when they follow you is the day I delete my Insta. There are certainly people (strangers) out there trying to make this happen, and when they post a generic, "Love your picture, check out my feed and tell me what you think!" attention grab, I just delete their comments. If I'm feeling particularly irritable I report them as spam.

My insta feed is for looking at pictures that I want to see. Not wanting to see your photos doesn't mean I don't care about you as a person, it just means that I'm not interested in having more pictures of babies, feet, or artfully-presented tacos in my feed right now. Show me some mountains and deserts and I'll be all over that shit.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:52 AM on December 15, 2018 [9 favorites]

I and many friends are very active on social media (many friends use it so much that they get sponsorships): yes, it's kind of rude. It implies you think your Insta is more valuable / famous than theirs. People who are very active on social media- especially those who want to be pro influencers but aren't- DEFINITELY notice stuff like this, and many would take it a bit personally. Better to follow back and mute them.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:09 AM on December 15, 2018 [6 favorites]

Honestly, there is an unspoken expectation of the reciprocal follow but I’m not sure if it will be taken as rude so much as a flat out rejection of that person. Many people view their pages as a reflection of them rather than a repository of stuff. I deleted my account recently one of the reasons being the mass follow and unfollow games people play in order to boost their numbers, and, regardless of whether it is generalizable to all users or not, people may take an unfollow or a lack of reciprocal follow as a rejection. This platform is engineered using social psychology to get people to use it this way and yeah a LOT of people pay attention to who follows their account. So much so that they will tailor the # of followers to be a certain ratio of who they follow. It’s really bizarre.

I seriously refused to follow or unfollowed a few people because their account annoyed me and was confronted about it in real life. You never know who is going to take what seriously. That being said, maybe just follow them and then mute them as suggested above.
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:26 AM on December 15, 2018 [5 favorites]

Not rude. I use Facebook for real-world connections; I use Instagram for my interests. There's some overlap (e.g., colleagues who mountain bike) but my Instagram is mostly strangers, national parks and bad-design hashtags.
posted by headnsouth at 7:57 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

On the other hand, some of us think that it's pretty rude to use your personal social media accounts as advertising platforms for corporations so that they will give you Free Stuff, similar to if you had a friend who was always trying to sell you Cutco or Amway every time you hung out with them. So just personally, I don't have a lot of time for managing the emotions of people who are only interacting with me in the hopes that having me follow them will get them enough attention that someone will bestow a free t-shirt or bottle of hand lotion or whatever on them. Whether or not you want to be part of that game is your choice, but it's OK if you find it tedious and decide on a policy of non-participation.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:03 AM on December 15, 2018 [10 favorites]

How many of the Not Rude votes are from people over the age of oh, twenty five or thirty? I think this will probably have a generational split, although I'm not sure where exactly the line falls.

(Not rude, and I'm 34.)
posted by yeahlikethat at 8:49 AM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

Could be considered rude or a rejection, depends on the person and their usage of the platform, I’m 35.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:59 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't say it's 'rude' or 'wrong', but it absolutely is a mild snub.
posted by so fucking future at 9:14 AM on December 15, 2018 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks guys all the different takes on this have been very interesting, everyone I'm talking about in the question are in their early to mid 30s and none of us are 'influencers' with zillions of followers.
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:44 AM on December 15, 2018

I don't think it's rude, but to me it's an indication that we are not very close. This is assuming that you are active on Instagram of course, I have lots of friends that don't follow me because they never went on it after making an account. But it has happened that people who I thought I was close to don't follow me and I realize we actually aren't as close as I thought we were. Which is also maybe petty, but I would rather try to spend time with people who do think what I have to say is interesting. I also only post about once every month or two, and post about things I talk about in real life. If I posted more often, and my posts were about things I knew you found annoying, I'd probably assume that was the reason you weren't following me.
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 10:40 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm not a big 'Gram user but on Twitter I generally follow back people I know and/or don't want to alienate and then I just mute them. When it's on the line, I would just follow and then mute. I can't say people not following me back on Twitter has ruined any of my friendships, but I definitely notice it and file it away as "we aren't as close as I thought" and treat our connection accordingly. Sometimes, I may just unfollow someone who doesn't follow me back if I only followed them because I thought we were friends anyway.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:47 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

So not in insta, but on tumblr and post in a pretty specific subculture. If someone I knew in real life who is a part of that subculture and posts on that subculture, it's a pretty much have to follow.
Also if it's things that are personal in nature that are just about them then it they are telling me who they are specifically so I can follow them. And if I don't, rude.

Anything else not rude. (33)
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:47 PM on December 15, 2018

People who are very active on social media- especially those who want to be pro influencers but aren't-

Surely these are people who you under no circumstances actually want to have anything to do with!

Another vote for "not rude."
posted by praemunire at 5:12 PM on December 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

i'm 34. it's not rude, but a very mild snub.
posted by anthropomorphic at 1:39 PM on December 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Agree with headnsouth. I use Instagram for my interests and largely a way to disengage from the noise on Facebook and Twitter. Unless my friends are developing cross-stitch patterns or have Corgi puppies, I'm probably not going to follow them
posted by radioamy at 3:22 PM on December 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Another vote for "not rude." Actually, I feel awkward when someone follows me back after I follow them because I always worry they're only doing it out of a misplaced sense of obligation.
posted by DingoMutt at 3:14 AM on December 18, 2018 [3 favorites]