I need some dumb jokes.
November 27, 2018 5:55 PM Subscribe
Recently, when I email a photo of a check or a receipt to my branch's office manager, I've been including a dumb joke. I need more jokes. Specifics within.
In the course of my work I regularly make purchases using a company card or company checks. Whenever I do this, protocol is for me to photograph the receipt (if using the card) or check (if using a check) and email said photograph to the office manager along with a brief explanation (contained in the subject line) so that the purchase can be tracked properly. This is important and also very, very boring.
So, to make it less boring, I've recently been including a dumb joke in the email. I've mostly been getting them from this old Ask but I've just about used up all the ones in there that I want to use, and I'm looking for more. Because of the context, they need to meet several requirements. In no particular order:
In the course of my work I regularly make purchases using a company card or company checks. Whenever I do this, protocol is for me to photograph the receipt (if using the card) or check (if using a check) and email said photograph to the office manager along with a brief explanation (contained in the subject line) so that the purchase can be tracked properly. This is important and also very, very boring.
So, to make it less boring, I've recently been including a dumb joke in the email. I've mostly been getting them from this old Ask but I've just about used up all the ones in there that I want to use, and I'm looking for more. Because of the context, they need to meet several requirements. In no particular order:
- They must be inoffensive. Nothing that hinges on things like race, gender, religion, politics, sex, or stereotypes relating to such things. I'm at work and on the record. Mere profanity is not a disqualifier per se (my company is a swearing company) but it's safest to avoid it. Anything that could in any way be perceived as flirty is right out.
- They must be dumb. I'm going for groans, not chuckles. "Incredulous" and "nonplussed" are also acceptable reactions. The dorkier the better.
- They must be short. A format that works great is the Q/A format. One-liners are also good if they have a natural beat in the middle, and I've made "So-and-so walks into a bar…" jokes work a few times. Maybe someday I'll tell a shaggy dog story in installments, but not right now.
- They must be divisible into a setup and a punchline. The way I do it is I write the setup, then insert the image of the check or receipt (which takes up a whole screen on the receiving end) and then deliver the punchline. I want to keep it consistent.
Do you know why, when geese fly in that V formation, one side of the V is longer than the other?You get the idea by now, hopefully. Well, hit me! Hit me with your dumbest jokes.
[photo]
There are more geese on that side!
Last night, I watched a show all about how ships are put together.
[photo]
It was riveting.
A bear walks into a bar, and says, "Hey bartender…
[photo]
…I'll have a beer." The bartender says, "Sure thing, but why the big pause?
What's so great about Switzerland?
[photo]
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Best answer: Guy walks into a bar, orders a shingled roof. Bartender says "never heard of it what's in it?"
Guy says " I don't know either but its on the house."
posted by vrakatar at 6:13 PM on November 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
Guy says " I don't know either but its on the house."
posted by vrakatar at 6:13 PM on November 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
Check out Good Clean Funnies. They are, as you stipulate, scrupulously clean, and many are true groaners. Some days bring longer format jokes, but other days they offer compilations of punny jokes, or knock-knock jokes, and the like. I'm sure you could find plenty of great material there.
posted by DrGail at 6:14 PM on November 27, 2018
posted by DrGail at 6:14 PM on November 27, 2018
You want “dad jokes”. Try the ones at Nice One, Dad.
posted by JoeZydeco at 6:20 PM on November 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by JoeZydeco at 6:20 PM on November 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
What is the fattest part of a circle? The circumference, because it ate two pi's.
But to give you a fishing rod instead of a fish I also go looking for clean jokes and my system involves doing a Google search like "reddit math jokes" and then skipping any that are dirty. Although yes, you can also do "reddit dad jokes" or "reddit clean jokes".
posted by forthright at 6:35 PM on November 27, 2018
But to give you a fishing rod instead of a fish I also go looking for clean jokes and my system involves doing a Google search like "reddit math jokes" and then skipping any that are dirty. Although yes, you can also do "reddit dad jokes" or "reddit clean jokes".
posted by forthright at 6:35 PM on November 27, 2018
Best answer: I think I read this one here, that I've used irl:
Q. Want to hear a joke about paper?
A. Never mind. It's tearable.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:36 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Q. Want to hear a joke about paper?
A. Never mind. It's tearable.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:36 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 [ate] 9.
posted by aniola at 6:40 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by aniola at 6:40 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
A: Because they're really good at it.
posted by davcoo at 6:50 PM on November 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
A: Because they're really good at it.
posted by davcoo at 6:50 PM on November 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
Clare Boothe was Luce, but Lautrec was Toulouse
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:54 PM on November 27, 2018
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:54 PM on November 27, 2018
Best answer: Three guys are in a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no matches or anything to light them with. What do they do?
They thrown one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter!
This is, unironically, my favorite joke of all time.
posted by brook horse at 7:27 PM on November 27, 2018 [18 favorites]
They thrown one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter!
This is, unironically, my favorite joke of all time.
posted by brook horse at 7:27 PM on November 27, 2018 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Do you know why you'll never starve in the desert?
Because if all the sand which is there.
posted by waving at 7:28 PM on November 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
Because if all the sand which is there.
posted by waving at 7:28 PM on November 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
I can't think of any off the top of my head, but if you have an Amazon Dot, you can ask Alexa to tell jokes. They're all groaners that are 100% squeaky clean.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 7:47 PM on November 27, 2018
posted by Neely O'Hara at 7:47 PM on November 27, 2018
Best answer: Q: What’s blue and goes up and down?
A: A blueberry in an elevator.
posted by holborne at 7:49 PM on November 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
A: A blueberry in an elevator.
posted by holborne at 7:49 PM on November 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
(Stolen from my friend Rick)
Why are teenagers so odd?
Because they can’t EVEN
posted by natasha_k at 7:50 PM on November 27, 2018 [15 favorites]
Why are teenagers so odd?
Because they can’t EVEN
posted by natasha_k at 7:50 PM on November 27, 2018 [15 favorites]
Best answer: What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint
What is gold and makes you rich?
Gold
What is Mary short for?
She's just got little legs.
posted by soelo at 8:34 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Red Paint
What is gold and makes you rich?
Gold
What is Mary short for?
She's just got little legs.
posted by soelo at 8:34 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Did you hear the one about the guy who walked into the bar?
It hurt.
posted by pdb at 8:38 PM on November 27, 2018
It hurt.
posted by pdb at 8:38 PM on November 27, 2018
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea(r)!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea(r)!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, chewing on razor blades?
A: Still no bloody idea(r)!
posted by Knowyournuts at 8:46 PM on November 27, 2018
A: No idea(r)!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea(r)!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, chewing on razor blades?
A: Still no bloody idea(r)!
posted by Knowyournuts at 8:46 PM on November 27, 2018
my favourite:
q: why do anarchists insist on only drinking herbal infusions?
a: because proper tea is theft!
but maybe too political :)
There are great groaners here, but I can also recommend finding a book of jokes for kids. I remember chortling my way through "101 Elephant Jokes" when I was 9.
posted by jb at 8:48 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
q: why do anarchists insist on only drinking herbal infusions?
a: because proper tea is theft!
but maybe too political :)
There are great groaners here, but I can also recommend finding a book of jokes for kids. I remember chortling my way through "101 Elephant Jokes" when I was 9.
posted by jb at 8:48 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?
One is really heavy, and the other's a little lighter!
posted by sacrifix at 9:08 PM on November 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
One is really heavy, and the other's a little lighter!
posted by sacrifix at 9:08 PM on November 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Here's a bunch of walked-into-a-bar grammar/rhetoric jokes (scroll down to the middle of the page). Examples:
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar.posted by Wobbuffet at 9:19 PM on November 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
They sit. They drink. They leave.
An oxymoron walked into a bar.
The silence was deafening
A simile walked into a bar.
It was as parched as a desert.
A duck walks into a drug store and says "I'd like some red lipstick please."
The clerk says "How would you like to pay?", and the duck says "Just put it on my bill.".
posted by w0mbat at 9:43 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
The clerk says "How would you like to pay?", and the duck says "Just put it on my bill.".
posted by w0mbat at 9:43 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Two traders were walking from the exchange to the train station. One said to the other, "I got a dog for my wife" "Nice trade," said the other.
posted by AugustWest at 10:25 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 10:25 PM on November 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Why don't ants get sick?
Because they've got little antibodies.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 27 sheep.
I said, "30".
posted by sailoreagle at 2:31 AM on November 28, 2018 [10 favorites]
Because they've got little antibodies.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 27 sheep.
I said, "30".
posted by sailoreagle at 2:31 AM on November 28, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: What's brown and green, has six legs, and if it falls on you out of a tree it will kill you?
A billiard table.
posted by flabdablet at 3:32 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
A billiard table.
posted by flabdablet at 3:32 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Why does a scuba diver fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if he fell forward, he'd still be in the boat.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:33 AM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Because if he fell forward, he'd still be in the boat.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:33 AM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This series of tweets of a dad ruining his son's jokes has some absolute beauties e.g How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it...
posted by Lluvia at 4:16 AM on November 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Lluvia at 4:16 AM on November 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: He saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
[Photo]
The heat was intense.
A rabbi, a priest and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender says...
[Photo]
..."Is this some kind of a joke?"
posted by chavenet at 4:37 AM on November 28, 2018
A: He saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
[Photo]
The heat was intense.
A rabbi, a priest and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender says...
[Photo]
..."Is this some kind of a joke?"
posted by chavenet at 4:37 AM on November 28, 2018
Best answer: A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
…[Photo]…
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
posted by standardasparagus at 5:00 AM on November 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
…[Photo]…
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
posted by standardasparagus at 5:00 AM on November 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Seasonal:
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
[photo]
Tinselitis!
Non-seasonal:
Why did the lioness cross the road?
[photo]
To get to the other pride.
Mathy (maybe appropriate for someone in charge of accounts):
What's (8 + 4) * (sqrt 16) * 2.5?
[photo]
5!
posted by basalganglia at 5:12 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
[photo]
Tinselitis!
Non-seasonal:
Why did the lioness cross the road?
[photo]
To get to the other pride.
Mathy (maybe appropriate for someone in charge of accounts):
What's (8 + 4) * (sqrt 16) * 2.5?
[photo]
5!
posted by basalganglia at 5:12 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Q) Why did Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
A) Fo drizzle.
Q) Did you hear about the band that called themselves 999mb?
A) They couldn't get a gig.
Q) What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
A) Benoit B. Mandelbrot
posted by bondcliff at 5:29 AM on November 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
A) Fo drizzle.
Q) Did you hear about the band that called themselves 999mb?
A) They couldn't get a gig.
Q) What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
A) Benoit B. Mandelbrot
posted by bondcliff at 5:29 AM on November 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: - where does napoleon keep his armies?
- in his sleevies!
posted by speakeasy at 5:52 AM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
- in his sleevies!
posted by speakeasy at 5:52 AM on November 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Q. What has four legs and flies?
A1. Two pairs of trousers
A2. The garbage collector and his helper
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:57 AM on November 28, 2018
A1. Two pairs of trousers
A2. The garbage collector and his helper
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:57 AM on November 28, 2018
Best answer: Q: Would you rather eat an earth rock or a moon rock?
A: Well, the moon rock is a little meteor (meatier)...
Q: What's large and gray and writes gloomy poetry?
A: t.s. elephant!
posted by cooker girl at 6:21 AM on November 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
A: Well, the moon rock is a little meteor (meatier)...
Q: What's large and gray and writes gloomy poetry?
A: t.s. elephant!
posted by cooker girl at 6:21 AM on November 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
posted by Comrade_robot at 6:42 AM on November 28, 2018
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
posted by Comrade_robot at 6:42 AM on November 28, 2018
knock knock
who's there?
atch
atch who?
[foto]
gesundheit!
---
whaddaya call a fish with no eyes?
[foto]
a fsh!
---
whaddaya call a pig with three eyes?
[foto]
a piiig!
---
whaddaya call a moose with one y?
[foto]
oh, just a moose. why?
---
(may be too close to the "no religion" boundary, but it can be modified accordingly)
a rabbi walks into a bar with a duck on their head. the bartender looks up, surprised. "where'd you get that?"
[foto]
the duck replies "brooklyn! they're everywhere!"
---
(i used to study chemistry so here's a chemistry joke for good measure)
neon walks into a bar and sits down. the bartender comes up and says "sorry, we don't serve nobles here".
[foto]
neon does not react.
---
(but then i switched to studying physics, so here's a physics joke for good measure)
an electron gets pulled over for speeding. the cop comes up and asks "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
[foto]
the electron replies "nope! but i can tell you exactly where i am right now!"
(the uncertainty principle says that you can't know your exact velocity and position at the same time)
---
a dog walks into a bar
[foto]
ouch!
---
(based on a true story)
a little kid is piloting a peddleboat with their parents sitting passenger. the boat comes to a fork in the river. the parents ask "do you know the difference between left and right?" the kid replies "yup!" the parents say "good, so let's go right". the kid steers left. surprised, the parents exclaim "i thought you knew the difference between left and right!"
[foto]
the kid replies chipperly "yes, i know there is A difference!"
(full disclosure: i was that kid, this happened when i was 3 or 4. i guess i was destined for terrible jokes ^_^)
posted by =d.b= at 6:59 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
who's there?
atch
atch who?
[foto]
gesundheit!
---
whaddaya call a fish with no eyes?
[foto]
a fsh!
---
whaddaya call a pig with three eyes?
[foto]
a piiig!
---
whaddaya call a moose with one y?
[foto]
oh, just a moose. why?
---
(may be too close to the "no religion" boundary, but it can be modified accordingly)
a rabbi walks into a bar with a duck on their head. the bartender looks up, surprised. "where'd you get that?"
[foto]
the duck replies "brooklyn! they're everywhere!"
---
(i used to study chemistry so here's a chemistry joke for good measure)
neon walks into a bar and sits down. the bartender comes up and says "sorry, we don't serve nobles here".
[foto]
neon does not react.
---
(but then i switched to studying physics, so here's a physics joke for good measure)
an electron gets pulled over for speeding. the cop comes up and asks "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
[foto]
the electron replies "nope! but i can tell you exactly where i am right now!"
(the uncertainty principle says that you can't know your exact velocity and position at the same time)
---
a dog walks into a bar
[foto]
ouch!
---
(based on a true story)
a little kid is piloting a peddleboat with their parents sitting passenger. the boat comes to a fork in the river. the parents ask "do you know the difference between left and right?" the kid replies "yup!" the parents say "good, so let's go right". the kid steers left. surprised, the parents exclaim "i thought you knew the difference between left and right!"
[foto]
the kid replies chipperly "yes, i know there is A difference!"
(full disclosure: i was that kid, this happened when i was 3 or 4. i guess i was destined for terrible jokes ^_^)
posted by =d.b= at 6:59 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
Why is justice a dish best served cold?
Because if it were warm it would be just water.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:01 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Why is justice a dish best served cold?
Because if it were warm it would be just water.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:01 AM on November 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
What did the cell say when his sibling stepped on his foot?
"My Toe, Sis!"
posted by le_salvo at 12:25 PM on November 28, 2018
"My Toe, Sis!"
posted by le_salvo at 12:25 PM on November 28, 2018
I've been looking for jokes to teach my 5yo kid, so here are two of his favorites:
Q: What is a cow's favorite place? A: A mooo-seum!
Two snakes slither along in the desert. One asks: "Hey, are we venomous?" - "No, why?" - "Phew! 'Cause I've just bit my tongue!"
posted by gakiko at 12:45 PM on November 28, 2018
Q: What is a cow's favorite place? A: A mooo-seum!
Two snakes slither along in the desert. One asks: "Hey, are we venomous?" - "No, why?" - "Phew! 'Cause I've just bit my tongue!"
posted by gakiko at 12:45 PM on November 28, 2018
Best answer: You describe precisely what are, to my mind, the very best kind of jokes :)
A red ship crashed into a purple ship. The survivors were marooned.
Did you hear about the fortune-telling dwarf who recently broke out of prison? They're a small medium at large.
I went to the zoo, but all they had to see was one small dog. It was a shihtzu.
I went to the zoo and saw a cage with a baguette in it. The keeper said it was bred in captivity.
Q. What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a unicycle? A. Attire.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bar tender asks "olive, or twist?"
Did you hear about the clown couple who ended up getting a divorce? The kids were caught up in a custardy battle.
posted by protorp at 2:31 PM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
A red ship crashed into a purple ship. The survivors were marooned.
Did you hear about the fortune-telling dwarf who recently broke out of prison? They're a small medium at large.
I went to the zoo, but all they had to see was one small dog. It was a shihtzu.
I went to the zoo and saw a cage with a baguette in it. The keeper said it was bred in captivity.
Q. What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a unicycle? A. Attire.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bar tender asks "olive, or twist?"
Did you hear about the clown couple who ended up getting a divorce? The kids were caught up in a custardy battle.
posted by protorp at 2:31 PM on November 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
- Duuuung!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
- A carrot
posted by chappell, ambrose at 7:56 PM on November 28, 2018
- Duuuung!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
- A carrot
posted by chappell, ambrose at 7:56 PM on November 28, 2018
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
Because if he didn't, he'd be E-war Woo-war.
posted by offog at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Because if he didn't, he'd be E-war Woo-war.
posted by offog at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Two utter groaners that I've heard recently.
How do you know it's time to go to the dentist?
It's tooth-hurty.
Why do Swedish ships have barcodes?
So they can scan the navy in.
posted by peppermind at 6:24 AM on December 3, 2018
How do you know it's time to go to the dentist?
It's tooth-hurty.
Why do Swedish ships have barcodes?
So they can scan the navy in.
posted by peppermind at 6:24 AM on December 3, 2018
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What's brown and sticky?
[photo]
A stick!
posted by floweredfish at 5:59 PM on November 27, 2018 [4 favorites]