Pretend to still like friend's abusive spouse to help her leave?

September 15, 2018 3:38 AM

Pretend to still like friend's abusive spouse to help her leave? story beneath the fold

My friend has been married for 20ish years. I have also been friends with her husband, in fact knew him first. He has always been a difficult person, but always good to me. I am saddened to realize I let slide his disrespectful, contemptuous behavior towards his wife thinking, "well, I wouldn't want to be married to him but I guess she wouldn't put up with it if he didn't make it worthwhile in other ways".

Turns out, no. In the past few months she has finally started sharing with me how terribly unhappy she is and how much she wants to leave. There are complications and I won't describe all of them, but the most important is their daughter who is a junior in high school. She has struggled with mental health issues for years including severe depression up to being suicidal. The daughter has said many times to my friend that her greatest fear is that her parents will split up. She is very attached to her father.

In the last few days one of my children had a medical emergency and I only texted my friend about it, not her husband. I didn't even think about it, but apparently this was enough of a change from what my past habits would be that it tripped his alarm bells and he accused her of disparaging him to me and making me hate him.

She texted me asking if I could send him a text or email soon to smooth things over. That's how bad things are: my kid's emergency becomes a reason for him to harangue her. Making nice with him makes me want to vomit, but I also don't want to make things worse for her. She's going to have to play a long game to get away from him, is my role in this pretending to still be his friend? Do you have any advice for me? Abuse is all emotional, she and daughter are physically safe.

posted by Jenny'sCricket to Human Relations (14 answers total)

This is a tricky one, but very broadly speaking, yes, it is definitely a long game, and I think your best move is to continue acting like his friend, at least as long as you can feasibly do so. That preserves her full access to you (or does everything within your power to do so).

The trick is that it starts to suck you into his web of abuse, right? Now his feelings are hurt because you didn't text him; next his feelings are hurt because you served her the first slice of cake and not him; eventually maybe he's blowing his top at you because you blinked in the wrong way. Now she's asking you to ignore your feelings and pacify him by sending a friendly email; next she's telling you to ignore his drunken tirade because he doesn't mean it and asking for an apology just makes things worse (or whatever).

But this one seems pretty mild. It doesn't sound like she's even asking you to apologize, is she? She's just asking you to send him or include him on an email or text as though nothing was up, is that right? I think that sounds fairly easy and doesn't suck you into things very far, though I'd have to think more if she wants you to outright apologize.
posted by salvia at 4:11 AM on September 15, 2018 [11 favorites]

Speaking of long games, in your shoes (but involving family), I remained “friendly” with the jerk husband and it has paid dividends many times since the divorce, particularly regarding the kids, because he still views me as trustworthy and “on his side.” YMMV
posted by carmicha at 4:45 AM on September 15, 2018 [25 favorites]

I would be friendly, hands down. Perhaps choose a friend level and only do the things you'd do at that level, like you will send this text but apologizing for nonsense isn't a thing you'll do. Keep it practical. Since you've been friendly all these years it seems like it will be possible.

I think it could also contribute to her safety while she makes a plan to leave.

Consider getting therapy for yourself to build up toolbox and maintain a third party perspective.
posted by ramenopres at 5:36 AM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

The daughter has said many times to my friend that her greatest fear is that her parents will split up. She is very attached to her father.

This is concerning to me, having seen this so many times, it is quite possible now that the daughter has (correctly) assessed that her safety is in danger if her father is angered by having his control threatened. Wing “close” to the abuser is classic “keep your fiends close, but keep your enemies closer”. The daughter may be trying to deflect the abuse from her mother as target to making herself a target. Tight at the age where she is choosing partners for herself. I hope your friend recognizes that her husband is also abusing her daughter and that she needs to take steps to protect her. (If she is asking a friend to appease his anger, I can’t imagine how much psychological abuse and anger the daughter is swallowing every day).
posted by saucysault at 5:48 AM on September 15, 2018 [9 favorites]

I would. If you can find a way to pretend you're engaging with the friend's husband you thought you knew, so that your friendliness to him seems as genuine as possible, so much the better. It buys her time, keeps him from venting his anger at them. If he realizes the truth there's a possibility that he might try to isolate your friend from you, and that will make it even harder to have access to her and provide the support she needs.

Just in case I'd come up with some excuse for a change in behavior that could be fairly long term, something like worry over a parent's illness causing you to be distracted and less friendly, or persistent headaches. There are also a lot of friendly-sounding things to say that, if delivered with the right tone, may allay suspicion. "I just love your family." "You and your daughter have such a unique bond." These things help me when I feel I have to maintain a relationship but have issues with the person I'm dealing with.
posted by bunderful at 7:16 AM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

I have a friend who hasn't confided in me but whose husband I am suspicious of - I know he has made her stop contact with other people in the past. I can't find much positive to say directly to him (though when I do I go for it - "great job on the lawn!!") but I try to say things that sound friendly without being dishonest - "I bet you're really proud of your clever daughter" and "Hope you're enjoying this lovely weather" [thinking: because I'm worried about what you'll do if you're unhappy].
posted by bunderful at 7:22 AM on September 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think you are on the right track with your focus on how to not make things worse; recognizing that you can't fix this situation with the right tone or choice of words seems like a strong start to supporting your friend's escape from chronic abuse.

I encourage you to seek support from community resources, and to encourage your friend to do the same. It sounds like your friend may become increasingly isolated by her husband's paranoia, and isolated from you soon, so you may not have a lot of time to provide direct support other than reassuring her that you will be there when she decides to leave.

You can contact confidential support resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), which is available 24/7 for crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals. Both you and your friend can call for support.

Additional resources are listed at the MeFi Wiki ThereIsHelp page, which includes information and links to resources related to depression, therapy, and suicide crisis hotlines.
posted by Little Dawn at 7:56 AM on September 15, 2018

There is no upside to shunning the husband except the feeling of holding the moral high ground. There is no benefit to your friend in shunning her husband, and in fact to do so may be a grave disservice.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:18 AM on September 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

How much traction do you have as his friend? Does he actually care that you hate him or is he just looking for an excuse to be horrible to her? Does he care if you hold him in high regard?

An ex of mine was a dick to me. Ultimately we split but one time a good friend of his told him he was a dick to me and he did actually make an effort not to be for a while, because he really cared what this friend thought.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 8:59 AM on September 15, 2018

While I appreciate intergalacticvelvet's advice, do know it can also go the other way – my abusive ex's very best childhood friend, who he'd known since elementary school, also gently told my ex he might want to be nicer/less of a dick to me... and my ex promptly escalated and cut him off as a friend. Ex even eventually cut off his entire family.

Nthing find a way to be genuinely friendly that also sits well with your values. Partial truths like bunderful's "hope you're enjoying the weather" are great in times when temporary niceness is needed.

Thank you for protecting your friend.
posted by fraula at 9:43 AM on September 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Just coming back to agree with fraula that my take could go either way. If not for your assertion that there is no physical danger I wouldn't have mentioned it OP and even if that is thoroughly true it might not be worth the risk.

I have a really horrible relative (who has been in prison for the level of horrible he was to me as a small child). Various family, not me, stay on good terms with him basically to safeguard others who may have contact with him. They view him as they would an aggressive dog. You have to be close to it to keep others safe from it, and you are nice to it because you don't want it to start biting everyone.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 12:35 PM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

The daughter has said many times to my friend that her greatest fear is that her parents will split up.

Staying together for the children has a horrible track record. And more importantly what makes your friend sure his maltreatment of women starts and ends with her?

You’re being dragged into a family system of lying and appeasement. If you do sign up you will be enabling your friend to keep her children in a home full of fear and distrust for years. And don’t fool yourself, kids know what’s going on.

So here’s what I would do:
1) Get your friend in a room with a child psychologist who can explain the very real and lasting damage she is causing her children
2) Play along until your friend has everything arranged to get out of the situation
3) If she decides she doesn’t want out, then don’t play along at all. Better a witness than an accomplice
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:41 PM on September 15, 2018

In my experience: absolutely be his friend even if it makes you sick. He'll make damn sure she can't have contact with you if you're an enemy of his. This is already a huge problem over one text? HOO BOY.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:00 PM on September 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have a really hard time being fake nice to people. I'd much rather just not interact with someone if I don't like them, and will go far out of my way to avoid situations where I have to endure someone's company that I don't like. I don't want to be rude to them, I just don't want to be around them.

But I agree with all the folks in this thread who're advising you make nice with the husband for the sake of your friend here. It sucks, it will feel awful, and if you're like me it will feel extremely dishonest. But do it anyway, at least until your friend is out. And as other folks have said, staying on his good side may be beneficial for your friend even when she does leave.

This Internet stranger wishes you and your friend (and her daughter) the best. Good luck in dealing with an all-around crappy situation.
posted by jzb at 4:29 PM on September 15, 2018 [2 favorites]