How to forgive when you don’t forget

September 8, 2018 7:30 PM

I understand that forgiveness is good for the soul, my anger only hurts me and not the other person etc. But how do you actually do it?

Assume for the sake of the ask that I have been verily and truly wronged. She did harm to me, and this harm had a toll on other family members. My young son is blissfully unaware but her actions had the potential to impact his future as well. It was ugly with a capital U.

My involvement with her going forward will be thankfully limited, but not nil. The drama part is over. Now life goes on. I’m fine, my kid is fine, and that’s that as far as that beeyotch is concerned...

Then last night I had a horrible dream where a hitman broke into our apartment. I managed to scare him away but there was a hole in the wall of my son’s bedroom with his handprint on it. He almost got my baby. And then we found out (in the drama) that the hitman had been hired by her.

Clearly, I have some unresolved feelings :-) What now?

posted by ficbot to Human Relations (13 answers total)

You might find this article, which recommends mindfulness, useful.
posted by pinochiette at 8:29 PM on September 8, 2018

I have been able to make real progress on forgiveness and general gentleness with others after practicing Sharon Salzberg's teachings on lovingkindness and forgiveness. She has a meditation specifically on forgiveness in her book, Lovingkindness. The key with these types of meditation is that you don't try to manufacture any feeling, or try to pretend you have forgiven, but instead put all of your focus and intention behind the words you are reciting. That is literally all you have to do. As complicated or difficult feelings arise during the meditation, you just acknowledge them and gently redirect your focus to the words. It's not easy to describe the gradual changes that these practices bring about, but they can be profoundly healing.

The basics of the meditation are as follows, as best as I can reproduce them, suggested as a daily practice:

0. Sit, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, etc.
1. Begin by mentally or verbally reciting "If I have hurt or harmed anyone, knowingly or unknowingly, I ask their forgiveness." Do that for the first third of the time you allotted for the session.
2. Then offer forgiveness to anyone who may have harmed you: "If anyone has hurt or harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive them." This is for the second third of the total meditation time.
3. Offer forgiveness to yourself: "For all of the ways I have hurt or harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, I offer forgiveness." Don't skimp here, either, take the full third of the time.
posted by Atrahasis at 8:56 PM on September 8, 2018 [16 favorites]

What part did you play in the ugliness? If you were to apologize to her for only the part you played in things, only take responsibility for any wrongs on your part, what would that apology look like? If you gave her restitution, paid her back, just for that part, what would that look like? Not asking for anything in return or asking her for any restitution?

You're responsible for your side of the fence, and only your side. Once you acknowledge it and own it your resentment against the other person will sometimes melt away. You can also try writing down specifically your resentments against her and how they affected you - financially, your sense of self, your reputation, etc. Then forgive her for them and burn them. Then move on. Your unresolved feelings are her last hold on you.
posted by xammerboy at 10:11 PM on September 8, 2018

Best answer: I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm glad your son is OK.

I don't forgive. I understand and respect the concept but it's not for me. Instead I make peace with things and set new boundaries: I accept what happened and how it sucks, and that I can't change the past or people but now know more and can act accordingly as I move on in life. I focus on feeling more empowered in other areas of my life that I can control, and I allow myself to feel the anger about the person and situation. Anger isn't a bad emotion in and of itself: if it's keeping you away from her and helping you keep your son safe, then it's actually positive. I tell myself that, with time, I'll have distance and peace; it sounds like this is still very recent so please give yourself the gift of knowing your feelings are OK and that eventually it will take up less space in your mind and heart. I also remind myself that they still suck and crappy people generally aren't very happy: that's not necessarily kind but helps me. However, I do feel bad for the unsuspecting others whose paths they'll cross and might also hurt. I'm not very old but old enough to see some crappy people get their comeuppance and, damn, does it feel good!

I still can hold a grudge like a pro and be super petty but I don't mind because it doesn't consume my thoughts. Therapy has helped here! I never forget but, as I've felt more empowered about my life, I focus more of myself and the positives. And that has nothing to do with forgiveness for me, although arguably someone who's on Team Forgiveness could argue that's what I'm doing, and that's fine by me.

Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:30 PM on September 8, 2018 [16 favorites]

Forgivenesss was important when people lived in little villages and tribes and had to get past things as they had no options except to live in close quarters with people who wronged them or take violent revenge. Forgiveness and all that are group strategies to deal with that. If you're not in that situation, which I hope you're not, and can simply avoid the person for the rest of your life or pursue criminal or civil redress and see them removed from your community well.... I see no benefit to striving for forgiveness. You don't need to do it and you'll likely feel better if you don't force yourself to feel some emotion you don't just because society wants you to.
posted by fshgrl at 10:51 PM on September 8, 2018 [12 favorites]

Maybe it's semantics, but I think forgiveness can be kind of dangerous in certain situations and an unwillingness to do so protects us. I have a close relative who did an absolutely unforgiveable thing that basically shattered a couple of people's lives and affected many of the rest of us in large and small ways. I will never forgive this person and I'm okay with that. Like smorgasbord, it doesn't consume me, but the lack of forgiveness ensures that I always keep this person at arm's length no matter how charming or ingratiating the person tries to be and no matter how much it pains me sometimes to think of the wrecked relationship. (And make no mistake--this was an act of absolute selfishness and malice and cruelty, not something the relative was pushed to do by circumstances or someone else.)

My mother, on the other hand, is a very forgive and forget person, and the result is that she allows people back into her life who have hurt her that hurt her again and take advantage of her.

You do need to process your strong emotions about this event, but I think the dream you had is part of that processing. These things take time. Peace will come, but I don't think you can speed up the timeline.
posted by tiger tiger at 10:55 PM on September 8, 2018 [13 favorites]

With the above poster here. Forgive doesn’t have to be kumbaya and kittens, it can be forgiven like a debt. So, I no longer seek redress, I’m not trying to get this person to make me whole, be it by penance, apology, or changed behavior. Nor do I continue paying interest on this debt between us by letting it live in my heart and mind and body and relationships. It is what it is, we’re done with that phase, this is new normal, where I know you a little better, a little different from before. Forgiveness can be hella cold in some ways but this is a variant that works for me.
posted by Iteki at 11:40 PM on September 8, 2018 [37 favorites]

I don’t know if there is a defined way to forgive someone. It’s something that is a personal struggle, but what helps is something my dad always told me:
Holding a grude is like taking posion and expecting the other person to die. All it does is do you harm. It’s not so easy to forgive, but I believe with time you can see things more clearly. I usually say something in my head, out loud, or write a letter (and never send it) forgiving the person and then I move on. The forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not the other person. Once you forgive, let it be and move on. The rest of the anger might not ever go away, but it will dull with time.
posted by Champagne Supernova at 11:46 PM on September 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

IME forgiveness is something that happens naturally as a result of working through your grief, anger, resentment, trauma, etc. in the process of pursuing your own healing. It's not anything that you specifically need to set out to do. It's also not the same as reconciliation. You can work on your own healing enough to get to a place of having let go of all of your negativity towards the other person while never having anything to do with them again. Also nthing that holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. All it does is harm you. Working through your negativity is worthwhile because it benefits you.
posted by jazzbaby at 6:12 AM on September 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have a similar dynamic with one of my sisters, and I no longer have any contact with her. I have forgiven her, but surely will never trust her or desire to have a relationship with her again. Forgiving her means that I no longer think about her or her past actions. The burden of that stress is gone.

I was able to forgive her by understanding that she is doing the best she can at any given time. Unfortunately, her best is often piss poor.
posted by Dolley at 6:36 AM on September 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

Forgiveness for me is time + understanding. Mostly understanding.

Take a parent who was physically abusive. Made childhood a living hell. A real SOB. Hate and despair rule your life. The hate gets stronger and eventually you’re ruled by victimhood and shame. As time goes on you have more understanding of life, of love, and family history. You have children of your own. You develop an understanding that people are operating at different levels of awareness. They can’t be another way until they have more understanding.

So, forgiveness is not something you have to declare or achieve. Forgiveness is already in you if you have an understanding that damaged people lacking awareness will damage others.

Also, it helps me to understand that we are all the same. Loving and perfect is our true nature. When you meet the woman who harmed you, you’re meeting yourself.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:08 AM on September 9, 2018

I've heard the saying that forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past. It's the idea that what's done is done and cannot ever be undone; you can only go forward from here. It's about letting go and giving up the emotional space that is taken up in your head and heart by that person and/or what they did.

Because of that, I don't think forgiveness makes sense while the person is still in a position to do harm. And I think that sometimes you have to cut the person out of your life; never speaking to someone again is not incompatible with forgiving them. You can never speak with someone again and never think about them, or only think about them enough to hope that wherever they are, they're not doing any more harm in the world.

I also don't think that it's a switch you can shut off. It's an emotional process. Mindfulness, as others recommend, is useful because it brings you back to your exact current moment, which is what it is, regardless of this person's existence. However you got here, you're here now; don't focus on how you got here or where you'd be if things had been different. Focus on where you're going from here. But it's not like you can force yourself to do this; you can only encourage yourself--by redirecting your thoughts when you're dwelling on it, by using mantras of forgiveness (mine are often about how most people are doing the best they can, even if that's not very good), through therapy, whatever it takes.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. I encourage you not to see this person if you can at all avoid it. Forgiveness isn't about her; it's about clearing you the space in your mind where she's set up shop, which is only good for you.

Good luck.
posted by gideonfrog at 2:10 PM on September 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

Infuriatingly, the only things that work for me are Time, Perspective, and Better relationships to invest mental energy in.

Therapy is good bc it gives you someone to offer an impartial assessment of the events and maybe help you reframe it or understand it in a way you normally wouldn't think to.

Are you truly looking for a way to forgive this person or are you looking for a way to have this person and event mean less to you?
posted by this-apoptosis at 7:37 PM on September 9, 2018