v-day wannabe sweetheart: go big? (or forget with illegal yummies?)

February 13, 2006 11:01 PM

VDayfilter: Woman I like, have for a while. Close friends for years, and she knows how I feel. Have pretty much stayed away from the old 'nice guy' just hang out stuff for the last year, but we still get together for a drink once or twice a month. Other than the occasional fun here and there, we are both single.

I'm pretty well over her, so I'm not too worried about this.. regardless of what I do, I won't stress.

Her friends all say the same things I think in general: "don't understand why you aren't together! -- so perfect with each other! -- the chemistry seems so strong! " and from people we meet together for the first time: "How long have you been married? -- Y'all are so happy together! -- What?!? You aren't a couple?!"

We like a lot of the same movies, TV, comedy, etc; our political arguments are engaging and heated, but we always end up having fun and laughing when we realize we can't always express but actually think alike; we are close in age (30, me 32) and seem to have similar desires for the future (2.5 kids/dogs/cats/house/etc).

I've never been able to find out from her any specifics about why we shouldn't take the next step, and neither have her friends. I have felt her trying a bit harder since I started pulling away of late, but nothing too illuminating.

So, dear mefites, I ask for your opinion: Should I take one last shot at it, and if so, does some crazy big gesture for tomorrow make sense? (I do know she has no real plans.) I hope I'm at the point it doesn't get to me too much either way, but I can't help but feel some unease around a Hallmark^TM day like tomorrow.

posted by SpookyFish to human relations (18 comments total)

Invite her over to watch TV. Kind of a super-casual, single people hang out on v-day thing.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 11:04 PM on February 13, 2006

it's hard to take the step that might end a great friendship even if it seems like a romantic relationship could work.

I'd say to ditch the valentine's day plans and just make bigger plans for a random night. Don't be boring and pledge allegiance because it's "that" day, surprise her and make her realize it's *her* day. Next Wednesday.
posted by kcm at 11:07 PM on February 13, 2006

I wouldn't just hang out and watch TV, how would that be different from any day? But you could make a slightly smaller gesture that's still pretty obvious, like giving her flowers. They don't have to be roses, just something nice. Girls like flowers. I know 'cause I'm a girl.
posted by cali at 11:38 PM on February 13, 2006

flowers.

and tell her how you feel - REALLY feel - about her.
posted by seawallrunner at 12:03 AM on February 14, 2006

Try a bit of romance, flowers and dinner and then ask her directly.

But from the sound of it, she's just not into you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:23 AM on February 14, 2006

I'm sure she's heard it from all her friends too - "why aren't you two together? You seem to be so well-suited!" etc.

Do you ever hug? Kiss on the cheek? hold hands? If these things occasionally happen, then I think you may have a slim sliver of a chance.

But in the absence of any other data, it seems you are truly in the friend zone. Which is a great wonderous place to be, but ultimately she doesn't have the hots for you. And no amount of flowers, chocolates or taking her to the top floor of the Empire State Building is going to change that. At best, she'll eventually "settle" for you because she doesn't feel that physical-zingy-passion thing she (presumably) feels is what is essential in a relationship.

Either way, I'd stick with the lowkey approach. An Anti-Valentine card (when the server goes back up) perhaps. An evening out, perhaps a bit of drinking and dancing. Not on Valentines Day though. Too much pressure for couples, let alone singles!
posted by badlydubbedboy at 3:37 AM on February 14, 2006

If you're not together now it's because one or both of you aren't interested in a relationship. Since you're into the idea, she's not. You can certainly make a move, and try and convince her that she actually wants something more than "just friends," but be aware that this could very well end your current friendship.

Since you claim you're over her, why not move on? It's a big big ocean, with a great deal of icthyous diversity. If she doesn't think she's the one for you then she's not the one for you.
posted by bshort at 5:21 AM on February 14, 2006

If you guys are that in tune, then just plain old ask her what she thinks about it. I personally wouldn't go to any stretch before having a conversation, given past history. And keeping it very very low key means that it might just be a blip in your friendship rather than something with more potential embarrassment or uncomfortableness for one or the other with any lavishing overture.
posted by peacay at 5:39 AM on February 14, 2006

It doesn't really sound like you are over her to me. I say go for it. Life's too short to not take chances.

I speak from experience here, as many years ago I walked with my good friend of several years for an hour, explaining to her all the while why I wanted to stay friends and not mess up the good thing we had. She patiently listened. At the end of the walk I kissed her and my whole world changed. It's been an excellent ride ever since.
posted by genefinder at 6:05 AM on February 14, 2006

she knows how I feel

Does she? Are you sure? Kiss her, man, kiss her.
posted by LarryC at 7:01 AM on February 14, 2006

Most of the women I know (myself included) have had at least one really good guy friend in this situation. He occasionally profresses his undying attraction, the romantic nature of his feeings, the well-suitedness of the couple. Sometimes he's hinting at love, other times he's hinting that the two really should just screw.

Assuming you've blatantly expressed your interest in a relationship a few times over the years, and maybe hinted at it more subtley a few others times, she knows how you feel.

If she hasn't responded, she's just not attracted to you. She must value your friendship, or she wouldn't uphold her end of the friend relationship you've got.

I guarantee, though, that all future moves you put on her will just annoy her. Do it enough, or show your feelings in a really extravagant way, and she'll get the feeling that you're just staying friends with her in the hopes she'll come around.

I know women who've ended friendships because the guys they've really liked -- as friends -- have refused to give up on anything romantic happening.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 8:23 AM on February 14, 2006

What croutonsupafreak said. If you've told her in so many words that you think y'all should be dating, she knows, and she doesn't like you that way. Nothing is more annoying than the friend-who-isn't-really-a-friend. You'll eventually get to a point where she only keeps you around because it strokes her ego, or she'll cut you out of her life because she always has to walk on eggshells around you.
posted by MsMolly at 9:01 AM on February 14, 2006

I have felt her trying a bit harder since I started pulling away of late

It's time for you to think about a more serious relationship with a girlfriend (someone else). Or at least to start looking seriously for a girlfriend. And to let her know that you are. If she really wants to be just a friend, then she should be supportive. On the other hand, if being in an indecisive spot has worked well for her in the past, she'll realize that she'll need to make a decision about whether to get more serious with you or to let you go. Either way, you're better off. Where you're at is stupid because you're not happy about it - you're just in a sort of "hoping" mode.
posted by WestCoaster at 10:12 AM on February 14, 2006

Chuck Klosterman covers this in Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. Bad idea, per the linked essay.
posted by gregariousrecluse at 10:15 AM on February 14, 2006

You need "the spark".

Are you even ready for something like this?

I mean really think about it.


If so, do what has been mentioned. go super casual and just chill, be yourself, and you'll come across it...

Don't try, just be.
posted by omidius at 10:51 AM on February 14, 2006

Should I take one last shot at it, and if so, does some crazy big gesture for tomorrow make sense?

No and no. No because by now she's got the picture and could have encouraged you in a million ways... and hasn't. Crouton is right - She's just not into you that way. No matter what you think right now, her continued reticence is good: everybody deserves someone who's into them. No-the-second because the only thing worse than someone you don't want pursuing you is someone you don't want making grand over-the-top gestures. Even if she wants them, she doesn't want them from you.

Sorry that's rough but it is what it is; better you not cut yourself up even worse over this.
posted by phearlez at 11:29 AM on February 14, 2006

Oorrr.. she's given you a million little hints, and you're too busy playing it cool, tryin to be a big jerk, to definitively respond.

Or maybe not. A girl I have a huge crush on, former good friend, is getting married in a few weeks. It's too late for me, but not for you...
posted by LordSludge at 12:22 PM on February 14, 2006

Most everyone confirmed what I was thinking -- I'm pretty much over feeling 'that way' about her and doing anything now would just be unwisely rekindling something that isn't really there.

This silly day made me second guess myself; you helped me stop doing it. Thanks for advice!
posted by SpookyFish at 12:28 PM on February 14, 2006