Friend's birthday gift: a ticket she already declined due to cost?

July 25, 2018 11:39 AM

I have a great birthday gift idea for my friend - except I can't decide if it will make her feel awkward or uncomfortable...

A group of friends and I have tickets to an upcoming event. My friend A was excited about this event and initially said she'd be in. Once we figured out who was coming and we were ready to buy tickets, she dropped out because she realized she couldn't really afford the ticket cost given some other expenses that had come up for her.

A's birthday is coming up and I would love to buy her a ticket to attend the event with us - I know she'd enjoy it, I know she's free that night, and it's about the amount I want to spend on a gift for her (it's pricey but she and other friends chipped in for a really generous gift for me when it was my birthday).

I don't want her to feel awkward about this, though. Am I overthinking this? Or is this an awkward/touchy situation and should I find a different gift?

Thanks!

posted by sunflower16 to Human Relations (18 answers total)

what if you tell her that you bought it for another friend who can't go after all and rather than deal with looking for a replacement you'd like to give it to her as a birthday gift?
posted by noloveforned at 11:42 AM on July 25, 2018 [11 favorites]

Can the group go in together on the extra ticket, as they did for your gift? That seems like the easiest solution.
posted by Flannery Culp at 11:46 AM on July 25, 2018 [22 favorites]

I might be touchy but I would feel a little ambivalent about receiving this. It's incredibly thoughtful of you and on the one hand I'd be touched and grateful. I'd be so pleased that you did this meaningful thing. On the other hand, it kind of says "You couldn't afford this, but I can, so I've solved your problem for you; I've decided you can go after all." And that would feel kind of ... parental?
Everyone chipping in would avoid that.
posted by nantucket at 11:54 AM on July 25, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: nantucket: that's exactly the feeling I'm worried about - "You couldn't afford this, but I can, so I've solved your problem."

I'm not sure chipping in would work - there's only one friend in the group who I think would be potentially interested in that, but I'm really not sure of her interest and feel weird about asking. The ticket is also about what I wanted to spend on my own for A's gift and I'd rather not spend half that, which is what it would be by splitting.
posted by sunflower16 at 11:58 AM on July 25, 2018

given some other expenses that had come up for her

As long as you think this is basically true, I think it's a fine gift from you alone. If the ticket is probably too expensive for her no matter how typical a budget cycle she's going through, that would make me more concerned. I'd honestly just ask, making it clear that you want to spend the money on something for her anyway and would love to have her along for the event.
posted by teremala at 12:02 PM on July 25, 2018 [6 favorites]

I think it's possible that if she was able to tell everybody she couldn't afford it that there may not be as much awkwardness as you fear. You could say (perhaps aside), "it's not about money, I just thought you should be there with us."
posted by rhizome at 12:04 PM on July 25, 2018 [6 favorites]

I've been on the receiving end of an extravagant gift. It felt really awkward, until I was told, "I'm just paying forward the love and generosity of a beloved friend who gifted me something very special. He/she didn't want any thanks, but just asked me to pay it forward some day. So it would be my honor to give you this present in his/her honor. It would mean alot to me." And it went from being awkward to both of us crying and hugging. It became THE BEST GIFT EVER.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:04 PM on July 25, 2018 [41 favorites]

You could also add, "This is really more a present for me because I would enjoy Event so much more if you were there."
posted by FencingGal at 12:08 PM on July 25, 2018 [21 favorites]

i don't get people's objections. she was excited to go and now is probably super bummed she can't. i think it's a great gift as you KNOW it's something she wants and the bonus gift is time with friends.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2018 [12 favorites]

I would probably say something like "I was really excited to go with you and I was getting you a birthday present either way, so I figured this would be perfect!"
posted by brilliantine at 12:28 PM on July 25, 2018 [11 favorites]

“Buying something/helping someone with money is parental” is a perspective usually highly colored by class. (That doesn’t meant the person above who suggested it is wrong, just that you know the class situation of everyone involved better than we do.) if you grew up with middle class parents, it might feel parental. If you grew up with working class parents who largely did not (could not) swoop in to the rescue when you wanted or needed something as a young adult, it’s unlikely it will feel parental. The greater concern would be whether your friend would feel embarrassed or overly indebted.

I frequently have paid for things for friends and family who can’t afford them because I value their presence with the group more than my money. It has not caused any drama. You might want to approach the issue a little sideways, like “what if I told you I happened to have a ticket lying around here with your name on it, would you still want it ?” maybe playful, maybe more straightforward, depends on how your friendship works.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:34 PM on July 25, 2018 [2 favorites]

I personally would be thrilled to receive this gift. Only you know your friend, though.
posted by Automocar at 12:38 PM on July 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

Just ask her. It sounds like she simply had financial responsibilities that came up at the same time as the ticker, and she had to make a choice. I would not be bothered by this at all. It might be making her sad to miss this experience with friends, and this might actually really make her happy. We don’t need as many surprises as adults. Just ask her.
posted by MountainDaisy at 12:38 PM on July 25, 2018 [3 favorites]

Ask her.

"Hey, I was shopping for your birthday present, and it hit me -- Why don't I get her a ticket to that concert? But I want to make sure you haven't made other plans or anything like that. Would that be okay?"

Note: One rule about presents in my family has always been A commitment isn't a present, which means you can't give someone something that has to happen on a particular day or in a particular way or the like. Feel free to claim this as your reason for asking.
posted by Etrigan at 12:43 PM on July 25, 2018 [46 favorites]

Ask her.

Cost may not be the only reason she backed out. It's easier for some people to say "I don't have the scratch, you guys have fun" than to say "I really don't want to go to this thing you all are excited about and want me to go to."
posted by headnsouth at 12:53 PM on July 25, 2018 [18 favorites]

"I know it's your birthday, and not mine, but I would have so much more fun at this concert if you were there - so I thought maybe I could make the ticket your gift from me. I know! I know! Selfish! But spending time with you is one of my favourite things, and I know you really like [band], so it's kind of a win-win!"
posted by VioletU at 1:26 PM on July 25, 2018

I've been on both sides and now that I on more of the giving end, if the other person seems uncomfortable, I'll usually say that it makes me happy to pay forward the gifts I was given in the past. In the case of a concert, I might also add that I really wanted to share the experience with them and that it would be a lot more fun if they were there.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:19 PM on July 25, 2018

If you don't want to ask her directly before gift time you could give her a card and include a hand-drawn "Ticket to Event," implying you haven't bought it yet. Then she has the chance to say "OMG it's just what I wanted" or "OMG turns out I don't want to go after all" or whatever she would say if you asked her.
posted by doift at 6:17 PM on July 27, 2018