My child is being bullied by a friend - what are our next steps?
June 4, 2018 6:37 PM   Subscribe

During my child's birthday party last weekend, we noticed that one of her friends was particularly rude.

The friend, Abby, is very verbal and constantly peppers the conversation with sharp barbs aimed at other girls. At one point during the party, my daughter rushed into another room. I quickly followed her and found her on the verge of tears, trying to take off the shirt we'd bought especially for her party. Apparently Abby was making comments about the shirt and had encouraged other girls to join in. I assured my daughter that her shirt was sparkly, amazing, and cool in every way and told her that the only reason someone would hate on it was because they probably wished they had a shirt just like hers. My resilient kiddo rejoined her party and had a wonderful rest of the day.

Later on in the weekend, my husband and I revisited the situation with our daughter. We confirmed that she was doing okay after the "teasing" at the party. I asked her if Abby was ever mean to her at school; they are in the same classroom and attend the same after school program together. They've also had several playdates. My husband and I were pretty horrified by Abby's attitude/actions throughout the entire party and wanted some clarification on how things were going at school.

To our dismay, our daughter replied, "Well, she hits me sometimes." My husband and I stayed calm and spend the next half and hour talking through what is going on at school. According to our daughter, Abby has slapped her across the face on at least five occasions. She has also hit our daughter on her arm more than fifteen times. When I asked my daughter to demonstrate the force of the hit on my arm, she didn't want to because she was afraid that she would hurt me. Abby is also verbally abusive on a daily basis - she makes fairly constant rude/mean comments that are designed to be funny, but miss the mark entirely.

We have felt sick about this situation. I am angry and sad. I cannot believe that my husband and I have scheduled multiple playdates with Abby - how did we miss this? We have regular conversations with our daughter about bullying/boundaries/good touch/bad touch. My heart is breaking - my girl is so sweet, friendly, and kind. In spite of all of this, she still considers Abby to be her friend and wants to be as nice to her as possible; I understand the social problems that exist with her getting on Abby's "bad side," but want to give her immediate solutions as we move toward the end of the school year.

I have several questions about what we should do next. I am planning to call Abby's mom tomorrow night. I'm working on a mental script that is firm, but non-confrontational. What should I expect from her? I'm concerned that Abby's home life may include some negativity that I was not previously aware of. We're also considering whether or not we should report this behavior to our daughter's school. I feel very strongly that this information should be shared with both our child's teacher and the supervisor of her after-school care program. My husband is also leaning toward reporting the situation to the school, but is a little more cautious and wants to be sure that we take the right steps in the right way. I respect his thoughtfulness and want to be sure that our responses are not reactionary or inflammatory.

Thank you, in advance, for your advice.
posted by WaspEnterprises to Human Relations (22 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
You sound like you’re doing everything right. I think you might have pulled Abby aside and said something like, “In this house we have an important rule - to be kind. We use kind words and touches. If you can’t be kind, you can take a time out to calm or we can take you home. Do you have any questions or anything you want to talk about? We enjoy having you here but need to be kind and a good friend.”

I think as far as the school, talk to the teachers and see if they have noticed anything. Tell them what your daughter has said and ask them to watch out for any physical or verbal bullying.

As for the mom, maybe just try to be very open-ended. “Abby and daughter don’t seem to be playing very well together. Have you heard anything from Abby about their friendship?” Then see where it goes.

Kids do this power shit. It’s maddening and is not necessarily a sign of other things at play. Sometimes it’s picked up from older kids or television shows. I’m sorry, this is hard stuff for a parent. Take your kid’s lead on whether she wants to hang with her in the future and maybe direct her to other friends for playdates.
posted by amanda at 6:47 PM on June 4, 2018 [16 favorites]


I would 100% talk to the teacher, to find out if she's noticed anything, to give her a chance to keep an eye on things, and to let her take that into account as the school is assigning classes next year. I don't have a lot of ideas about how to talk to her mother, but definitely talk to the teacher.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:01 PM on June 4, 2018 [10 favorites]


Nthing report it to the school and teacher. In particular, note the face slapping (!). That's unacceptable in a school environment and make it clear to them. Don't accept excuses.

If and when you talk to the parents, make it clear this behavior is not acceptable and listen to their tone. Also don't accept excuses. Make it clear that their daughter has been slapping and hitting and being mean and it's not acceptable. Be prepared for excuses (I have had these conversations before). Also be prepared to listen to a litany of their life and why she acts that way. That may be sad, but it's still not acceptable behavior toward your child.

In other circumstances, my daughter was in 5th grade and subject to boys bullying her, and the male teacher was having them write sentences on the blackboard, and they laughed at it and still kept it up and the teacher did nothing. I had to go to the principal, who agreed with me and told the (male) teacher that calling a 5th grade girl nasty names was wrong. Sometimes you have to go to bat for your kid and maybe it's all guns blazing, but it's worth it, in my opinion. Good on you.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:34 PM on June 4, 2018 [2 favorites]


I reported a girl in my synagogue's kids choir who was bullying another girl in the bathroom to the Cantor. She and the choir leader were quite familiar with the kid.
posted by brujita at 8:30 PM on June 4, 2018


We had a similar situation with our son at school. Another boy -- basically the class outcast, who has a really hard time connecting with other students -- was continually teasing him. Our son is a gentle sort and has a slight speech delay, so has a hard time sticking up for himself. But it wouldn't have mattered anyway, even if he could.

Before Spring Break, the other boy apparently tripped him and kicked him in the stomach. I tried to relay this to the teacher right away, but she was not available, so I told the vice principal instead.

After Spring Break the problems continued, including stealing erasers and pencils, and general harassment. It turned out the teacher had sat the two of them together.

I don't know why the teacher did this, since by this time I had made her aware there was an issue.

So, I wrote an email to the principal, the vice principal and the teacher stating my son felt targeted, threatened and bullied, and that he had tried various strategies such as telling the other boy to stop, had tried getting away from him and had told a teacher -- all the things kids are taught to do in order to put a stop to bullying.

I also stated that we try to encourage our kids to not fight, engage in name-calling or do other abusive behavior.

Stating that he felt threatened seemed to work. The boy was moved to another seat and he seems to have also received some help for his disruptive behavior.
posted by JamesBay at 9:06 PM on June 4, 2018 [3 favorites]


How old are the girls? You need to take blowback very seriously before you talk to the other parents. The other girl could retaliate against your daughter if she gets in trouble vs being proactively redirected, y'know?

I would not talk to the other parents before confirming with the teacher and other caregivers exactly what they have noticed. You've witnessed certain things, your daughter reports certain other things. Try to get some other eyewitness accounts to get a fuller picture of the situation. You'll feel better taking your time before talking to the other parent.

In the meantime I would change the after school situation up and cancel the playdates. Separate these girls for the near future. They don't have to be friends and/or friendly if they spend a minimum of time together.

This girl sounds troubled, I vote you move your daughter out of proximity. I would not assume talking to the other parent would do anything more than make it worse. What makes you think the other parent has control and/or isn't the model for this behavior in the daughter? Talk to the other parent only when you feel comfortable answering that question.
posted by jbenben at 9:14 PM on June 4, 2018 [13 favorites]


I’ve been through this. Talk to the teacher. Get them to separate the girls in the classroom and as much as they can out of it. Talk to your daughter about other potential kids that she can play with and redirect her so that she doesn’t spend time with the troubled girl. Encourage her to speak up in the moment as it happens, to tell the girl that she doesn’t like it when she hits her and she doesn’t want to play with someone who is mean and report it straight away to the teacher. (They can’t help her if they don’t know.)

No more play dates with this kid. Encourage play dates with other nicer kids from school so she has friends to play with and doesn’t have to rely on the bully. If it keeps up, then you have to escalate. Principal, parent, etc etc. but generally, keeping them out of each other’s way will do a lot of help.
posted by Jubey at 9:20 PM on June 4, 2018 [7 favorites]


In spite of all of this, she still considers Abby to be her friend and wants to be as nice to her as possible

This was the crazy-making part of the pattern for us. HOW CAN SHE NOT SEE omfg never mind, she just can't, not yet.

But she will.

I think you might have pulled Abby aside and said something like, “In this house we have an important rule - to be kind. We use kind words and touches. If you can’t be kind, you can take a time out to calm or we can take you home. Do you have any questions or anything you want to talk about? We enjoy having you here but need to be kind and a good friend.”

I think this is probably about the best you can do as far as direct interventions go. It's a pity it only really works inside your own home, but I'd bet money that your daughter will want Abby to come over at some point and Abby will act up on the day, so you will get an opportunity to run this script.

And yeah, talk to the school and make sure they know what's going on and are not routinely forcing Abby and your daughter into close proximity.

But as far as handling this stuff with your daughter goes, I think the best thing you can do with her is mostly listen. Unless she's actually explicitly asking for your help, or you think she's actually being physically endangered, the most likely reason she'd be bringing bullying up with you at all is to get a reality check for her perception that it is indeed not OK and to seek some unconditional comfort.

If you start offering strategies and so forth, the most likely message she'll end up taking away is that the bullying she's experiencing is somehow her own fault because Mom said it would stop if I did X, Y and Z but I've done X, Y and Z and it's not stopping so that must mean I'm just no good at X, Y and Z. Also, the more of a record you build up for offering ineffective countermeasures, the less likely your daughter will become to seek you out after being bullied and the less likely you will become to find out when it's been happening.

Bullying countermeasures that parents offer to their kids for their kids to act upon almost always are ineffective, which is what makes bullying so pernicious; it's your kid's bully's behaviour that needs to change, not your kid's.

Really the single best thing you can do is offer comfort and support for your daughter's perception that Abby's assorted bullying behaviours are not OK, and leave the issue of working out how your daughter should respond to them to your daughter. It takes a while for kids to click that the specific bullying behaviours, not the person, are where the actual problem is. Until they do, the fact that they still like their Abby just remains massively confusing.

If you're going to intervene personally, either with Abby or with Abby's parents, you'll get better results from presenting the incidence of behaviours you know are unacceptable as a problem and ask for help in solving them collaboratively: "how can we make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again?" Because the instant you set yourself against Abby's family as some kind of enemy, that's when they close ranks and double down on inflicting misery on your daughter.

If you were going to go the purely confrontational route, you'd need to be sure that you actually have the power to make sure your daughter and Abby simply won't encounter each other again, and that's usually not achievable without pulling her out of her school. Which is probably not much use, because (a) every school has Abbies and (b) the emotional pounding your daughter is taking from her present Abby won't be as bad as the wrench you'd be inflicting on her by uprooting her entirely (c) schools in 2018 do generally now take bullying seriously enough as an issue to stop it getting as intense as it did when you and I were kids.

Bullying is just a shit of a thing to deal with as a parent. You have all my sympathy, for what it's worth.
posted by flabdablet at 9:50 PM on June 4, 2018 [17 favorites]


First, immediately purchase Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. It's an eye-opener in a LOT of ways.

It's important you work through this with your daughter. And I am not saying this to upset you, but it is NOT uncommon for girls to test limits with peers and your kid may be playing on Team Abby and joining in the unpleasant behavior. It's really typical for young girls to ally themselves with the girl who appears to have the most power and that sometimes means they will also act like assholes, because it means the Queen Bee will accept them.

Obviously this may not be happening, but you should be aware that nastiness in girls is fairly nuanced and complex, and the girls themselves often behave in ways that don't feel right to them just to avoid the ire of someone. THAT'S the work you need to do with your kid; find out what happens at social times. Do not be judgmental for anything she reports doing in those moments; whether it's feeling stuck and unable to escape Abby or actively joining in the Mean Girl stuff.

Ultimately, the best you can do is continue to teach her that when someone is acting in a way they don't like, they need to avoid that person. That's the big life lesson. She will be able to this by hanging out with other kids and doing her best to stay away from Abby.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:38 AM on June 5, 2018 [5 favorites]


I would go to the school over the parents tbh. The school will be far more neutral about it, you wont necessarily get a positive outcome from speaking to her parents. The school may also know the whole truth of the situation, not just your daughter's side of things. Kids can be unreliable narrators, especially when prompted.

I was walking home from a friend's house once, I was about 9 or 10 years old and a boy from my old school followed me and started kicking me in the back, for no reason. I ignored him and he kicked me in the back, all the way home (2 streets away). When I got home, I was obviously crying and my mum wanted to know what happened, she went to see his parents and they denied their precious angel would ever do such a thing (he and his sister were known bullies) and called me a liar.
posted by missmagenta at 6:12 AM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]


I would not go to the mom. At best she'll use the excuse that "kids will be kids." Abby will find out about the call and use it to mock your daughter.

I would start with the school. I would give them a chance to stop the bullying. I don't think it will work, but it's worth a try. Let them know how you want the situation remedied. If they don't follow through, be prepared to transfer your daughter to a new school.

If someone hit you at work, you'd call the police and demand that the other person be fired. If that didn't happen, you'd be able to sue the work place or at least find a new job. Sadly, this doesn't happen in schools. Children are allowed to inflict violence on one another with no recourse. The abuser is allowed to continue and escalate.

I think you need to talk to your daughter about friendship. This situation will influence what your daughter accepts in her adult relationships.

I was teased and bullied in school and I wish my parents had pulled me out of the school earlier. There are schools out there that take this type of thing seriously and will expel the abusive children. I think the only solution is to ensure that your child no longer spends any time with Abby. Abby and her ilk are not changing and the is little a parent can do unless you're willing to remove your child from the abuser.
posted by parakeetdog at 7:08 AM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]


This seems like a good time for the poop milkshake analogy.
posted by disconnect at 8:58 AM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]


I would give them a chance to stop the bullying. I don't think it will work, but it's worth a try. Let them know how you want the situation remedied. If they don't follow through, be prepared to transfer your daughter to a new school.

I agree that the school should be given a chance, but I disagree that you cut and run if it doesn't work.

You let the school know that if they can't handle this and keep Abby away from your daughter, you will take it up with Abby's parents in civil court. An assault is an assault. If it gets to that point, there there will be an order of protection against Abby that the school administrators will legally have to enforce. Schools deal with orders of protection more than you care to know about.

So if the school can nip it in the bud now and work it out as adults guiding children, great. Or it can be handled in a more supervised fashion. And if Abby has to go, so be it.

Stand your ground.

posted by JoeZydeco at 9:50 AM on June 5, 2018 [4 favorites]


I had no idea that there were legal ways to get Abby removed. I amend my response in that case and if the school doesn't help, I would pursue a legal remedy. Abuse is abuse. Children should not be given a free pass to abuse each other.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:10 AM on June 5, 2018


It may not get Abby removed, but it would compel the school to make sure Abby doesn't go near the bullied student. Could be as simple as changing classrooms and monitoring recess. And that's all that matters here.
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:09 AM on June 5, 2018


For my 7 year old, what I would do is stop the play dates („too busy“) and actively promote playdates with other kids. Really go out of your way to let your daughter forge stronger friendships, especially with the other girls in her class. She‘ll need not only allies but also the awareness that Abby is one of many friends and there are friends who are much nicer to her. Children derive a lot of strength from that, and resilience.

Also, talk to the teachers and ask them what they plan to do about the situation.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:17 PM on June 5, 2018 [3 favorites]


What yes I will I said yes says. They're 7.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:54 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]


Definitely get a “do not place together” in writing to your school’s principal ASAP so that they are at least separated in classes for next year.
posted by sealee at 10:01 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]


Coming in to suggest this book which has been helpful for bullying situations that my 4-year-old (!) has faced. I've had very minimal success talking to other parents. If they're not already actively paying attention and intervening, they often seem defensive or in denial about what's going on.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:42 PM on June 6, 2018


My daughter's therapist recommended the Girls Can Be Mean book as well. When this happened, I didn't get much response from the teacher but when I emailed the guidance counselor she immediately went into action. The kids had to go to the principal and write letters saying they were sorry. I wish I could say it stopped them from being jerks. It didn't. But it did make them do it less often and made my daughter feel like I stood up for her.
posted by dawkins_7 at 11:57 AM on June 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


It's good to also ask your child what they would like you to do. My daughter was complaining regularly about a particular kid in her class. Finally, after exhausting all the "Tell them they are not allowed to touch you. Tell a teacher. Move to another seat....", I asked her if I should talk to her teacher and she emphatically said, "Yes!" I let her know that I would and that I would ask that she or they have their seat moved. I let her know that she might have to go to a different table and that it might take a couple days for anything to happen so that she would know that I didn't have total power over the classroom. I emailed both her teachers, the principal and the guidance counselor. The teachers were very quick to change the seating arrangement and when my daughter came home she was glowing and thanked me for helping her! It was positive all around.

She still has problems with this kid but she seems to feel emboldened and she knows that we have her back.

The school was also responsive when I sent a note about another kid who was all into, "You kick like a girl!" bullshit on the playground. In another case, where my kid was having issues with another and I asked her if I should talk to her parents (because we know them all very well) and she said, "No. It's not that big of a deal." I told her to let me know and I would. If at all possible, respect your child's wishes about which authority they would like to intervene. Obviously, you have to make some judgement call but do take positive action.
posted by amanda at 5:40 PM on June 7, 2018 [2 favorites]


If at all possible, respect your child's wishes about which authority they would like to intervene.

Seconded. It can be hard to separate out what your child actually knows won't work from the customary flood of oh-it's-all-hopeless-nothing-will-fix-it-nothing-will-ever-change-i-just-want-to-die-i-feel-sick-don't-send-me-back-there that comes out when they're feeling overwhelmed, but once they've got past the peak of that raw need for comfort and settled down enough to discuss a realistic plan of action, they will frequently have made a better assessment of what actually needs to happen than you have.

It can be really, really hard to hold off on doing something you're sure will work when your child has explicitly and repeatedly begged you not to, but bulldozing them and doing it anyway risks damaging your relationship with your own child in ways that will actually work out worse for them than the bullying you're trying to fix. So try not to go nuclear unless you absolutely must. Often, it's enough for your kid to know that there is a button and that your finger is on it and that you would press it if they asked you to.
posted by flabdablet at 11:24 PM on June 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


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