Being heard in the bedroom (literally).

May 30, 2018 8:18 AM

I find it near impossible to speak when turned on. I'm not sure of the cause, but I'd prefer to be able to communicate like everyone else. I stutter my way through even the most pedestrian of responses. Having a conversation makes me feel like an idiot.

Part of the issue is probably tied up with my sensitivity level. I am easily aroused and stay that way until I fall asleep or leave. This doesn't decrease with added orgasms.

I also have been sexually assaulted, with the person not responding to me asking them to stop. That certainly didn't help, though I feel like I've worked out a lot of my issues from that.

Finally, I had a terribly anxious time closeted and in fear for my job, so not dating for a decade or so.

Any ideas for improvement? I don't have a regular partner right now, so added awkwardness.

posted by Trifling to Human Relations (4 answers total)

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this.

I have enormous trouble communicating verbally when any kind of strong emotion is involved because of Reasons. I found therapy helped a lot (I literally had to learn how to feel an emotion), but I was/am seriously considering learning ASL or Pidgin Signed English so that I can communicate when my voice...simply won't come. This may be impractical with hookups, and you state clearly that you want to communicate verbally, but could some kind of nonverbal communication provide a bridge for you? You'd be able to start getting your needs, wants and thoughts across right away, and work up to actually speaking them.
posted by kalimac at 8:29 AM on May 30, 2018

As a fellow assault survivor, I feel this question. Thank you for asking it because talking is not only often necessary in bed, it can be very fun! Practice practice practice. There is no one weird trick for this. So two things. Practice the talking and also practice celebrating the times you take care of your safety in and out of bed. A thing that will help with both is establishing trust and safety with new partners before getting into sexual situations with them. I’m not saying any of those three things is necessarily easy, but they’ll be worth it.

Having conversations about sex in lower stakes situations might really help you. This might be a friend who is comfortable talking about these topics, it might be therapy, or it might be phone sex.

Barring conversation with another person, perhaps try reading the sexy bits of erotic writing (that you enjoy) out loud? Get used to the sound of your own voice saying ‘dirty’ words, and get used to making any words at all while aroused. Make yourself a deal, perhaps no masturbating until you’ve read one whole page. Or maybe start with one sentence the first time and Work up from there to being able to read aloud while you touch yourself.

As for establishing trust with potential partners, the things I do include

• being up front about all my day to day needs and preferences so that when I’m in bed with someone they aren’t shocked at some kind of change. Baseline communication is established.
• not going to bed with people who have demonstrated themselves to be untrustworthy. This for me means ‘playful’ insults, disregard for my safety, mocking my concerns, ignoring communication, stonewalling, defensiveness, blame. These things make me feel terrible when I’m wearing clothes. I don’t have the spoons for them when I’m naked.

posted by bilabial at 8:30 AM on May 30, 2018

In terms of the physical sensitivity, is it possible for you to talk while masturbating? I wonder if that might help, just speaking out loud during safe, self pleasure, whether aloud to yourself or with an imaginary/fantasy partner?
posted by stillmoving at 10:23 AM on May 30, 2018

Would it be possible to negotiate some non-verbal signals with partners as you build up to verbal signals? Like using hand taps as a red/yellow/green light system?
posted by capricorn at 12:11 PM on May 30, 2018