Mental hacks when you have to be around someone who has hurt you
May 11, 2018 7:08 AM Subscribe
I can't believe I'm asking this ridiculous question, but here goes. I've always dated people outside of my social circle because of the break-up drama that is prone to happen in social circles. I made the mistake of dating someone newer to my social circle who turned out to be far different behind closed doors than his persona as a friend. Basically, it turns out that our ethics conflict and underneath the charm he's not a kind person. I was realizing these things and was planning to gracefully end things when he broke up with me in a way that was so baffling that I spent several weeks feeling quite awful. We were out together and out of no where he told me that he was using me, but felt like he was becoming attached and that he didn't want to see me again. Then, he just walked away without waiting for a response from me.
If this guy was outside of my social circle, all would be fine since I'm quite good at forgetting about people when necessary. However, there's a party next week that I am attending and he's planning to attend. I confronted him over text that and told him that I felt very uncomfortable being near him again. He attempted to minimize what he said to me when we broke up. He claimed he didn't mean what he told me about never spending time with me again. I think he was panicking that I was going to tell my friends what happened between us. I haven't shared with the rest of my friends how he treated me or personal things he told me (which are appalling and which would make people dislike him). I feel a visceral type of fear at the idea of being around him again and I can't tell if that fear is warranted or if I'm being overly dramatic.
How do I cope with being around him at this party? It's small enough that we will be near each other and it will be obvious if I avoid him. No one knows we were dating. I know people cope with seeing ex-spouses and people they deeply loved once and I don't know how they do that. If ex-spouses can do it, certainly there must be a way for me to do it when I wasn't even in love with this person. Are there mental hacks I can employ? I am inviting a +1 friend who doesn't usually like being out in groups but I told him a little about what I was going through and he agreed to stick close to me and come to this party even though he doesn't want to attend. What else can I do to get over this? My normal strategy of just not seeing him ever again isn't going to work!
If this guy was outside of my social circle, all would be fine since I'm quite good at forgetting about people when necessary. However, there's a party next week that I am attending and he's planning to attend. I confronted him over text that and told him that I felt very uncomfortable being near him again. He attempted to minimize what he said to me when we broke up. He claimed he didn't mean what he told me about never spending time with me again. I think he was panicking that I was going to tell my friends what happened between us. I haven't shared with the rest of my friends how he treated me or personal things he told me (which are appalling and which would make people dislike him). I feel a visceral type of fear at the idea of being around him again and I can't tell if that fear is warranted or if I'm being overly dramatic.
How do I cope with being around him at this party? It's small enough that we will be near each other and it will be obvious if I avoid him. No one knows we were dating. I know people cope with seeing ex-spouses and people they deeply loved once and I don't know how they do that. If ex-spouses can do it, certainly there must be a way for me to do it when I wasn't even in love with this person. Are there mental hacks I can employ? I am inviting a +1 friend who doesn't usually like being out in groups but I told him a little about what I was going through and he agreed to stick close to me and come to this party even though he doesn't want to attend. What else can I do to get over this? My normal strategy of just not seeing him ever again isn't going to work!
Tell your friends.
posted by caitcadieux at 7:19 AM on May 11, 2018 [57 favorites]
posted by caitcadieux at 7:19 AM on May 11, 2018 [57 favorites]
your fear doesn't sound unwarranted to me. it would be doubly lonely & hard & scary because you're isolated, having not told your friends about his terrible behaviour. people like that IME dump WAYYYY too much on you and then use their charm to make sure you feel like you *can't* reach out for help because it would hurt *them* so much... without any consideration to how it hurts you to carry that burden of secrecy & their poor treatment of you around. if at all possible, i hope you can share details of this pain with people you trust, who love you, and who have your best interests at heart, because this guy obviously does not.
posted by crawfo at 7:21 AM on May 11, 2018
posted by crawfo at 7:21 AM on May 11, 2018
I'd like to gently question your strategy to not tell your wider friend group that you have been dating this man. By keeping this entire thing to yourself - not just the relationship but how he behaved in it and how he ended it - you are making navigating the breakup far more difficult for yourself because you are shouldering the load of dealing with your feelings almost entirely alone.
(And speaking of your feelings - they are valid. A "visceral type of fear" of seeing this dude again seems utterly appropriate based on what you've said of his behavior! Listen to that. Share it with more the people in your life. Not only will you garner love and support, but you are doing your friends the vital service of alerting them to the duplicitous nature of this guy. Why should he be able to avoid the consequences of his poor behavior?)
Breakups are terrible. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I promise you it will pass. But if you speak up and talk to your friends, it'll get better more quickly.
posted by minervous at 7:23 AM on May 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
(And speaking of your feelings - they are valid. A "visceral type of fear" of seeing this dude again seems utterly appropriate based on what you've said of his behavior! Listen to that. Share it with more the people in your life. Not only will you garner love and support, but you are doing your friends the vital service of alerting them to the duplicitous nature of this guy. Why should he be able to avoid the consequences of his poor behavior?)
Breakups are terrible. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I promise you it will pass. But if you speak up and talk to your friends, it'll get better more quickly.
posted by minervous at 7:23 AM on May 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
Even if you don’t want to tell everyone, is there one friend you trust and who will attend the party you can tell? It might make you feel less alone and if the friend is outraged on your behalf help you tap into the righteous anger rather than feel hit in the gut when you see him. Also, the friend can come rescue you if he’s trying to talk to you. Ultimately, he’s the one who made it awkward and you have every right to tell him not to talk to you directly if he tries, but if you’re not up for that right now this approach might help.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 7:29 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 7:29 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I literally would have burst into laughter if someone I was dating said something like that to me! Hon, he's not a person, he's a sociopath. I would have laughed hard at myself for getting fooled. Then I would have felt super bad like you did, and I'm sorry for your experience. Still, the utter absurdity of his admission would always give me a chuckle. I advise you to try the perspective on for yourself: This was not personal against you, so you don't have to feel badly. Someone who would do something like that doesn't view others as human beings. You're right, your morals and ethics are not compatible. He knew you were going to dump him, so he flipped the script on you. Comedy is often born of tragedy, it's amusing that he turned out to be an even bigger jerk than you had come to understand in the short time you were dating. Meh. Such is life, it's a rich tapestry.
With that out of the way, I advise you (Option #2) to skip the party and consider expanding your friend circle beyond this group.
No one knew you were dating, now he sees you as an enemy. At any moment you could tell your story and "out" him to the friend group as a jerk. Unfortunately, he may already be slagging you off to your friends, making up lies. If he hasn't started to do this, he will soon. He's accepted this invite knowing you will be there, or even if he's unsure of your attendance, he's already got a plan to neutralize your influence within the group.
Option #1: If your friendships are strong you can inform your group now about how you secretly dated and what he did. If your group is savvy and understands how sociopaths and psychopaths work, he gets disinvited and the group rallys around you in a #metoo kind of way. If your friends are SJW types this strategy has a greater chance of succeeding, it backfires if they're not cool like that.
Data point: There is no shame in conceding this friend group to him. If fully illuminating the experience to everyone, if being truthful and bringing the sunlight in on his actions would not be enough to protect you, then you don't need these people as friends.
OPTION #2: Discreetly detach until this guy gets exposed and expelled from the group without your involvement.
Only you know your friends. I caution you to not do either option halfway. That's the danger zone where it all backfires on you.
This is actually a great opportunity to spring clean your social connections. If this friend group would not have your back if they knew, then you have your answer and an opportunity to upgrade your friend group.
You are not a bad person, you are wonderful and smart. That's why he chose you. You can't control anyone else's actions or character, so make your decisions and move forward with your head held high. What an extraordinary experience! Long term this is lucky, a true education in psychology. Plan something really fun for that night if full disclosure and support from those particular friends is not a possibility. Be well. You've got this nailed either way!
posted by jbenben at 7:45 AM on May 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
With that out of the way, I advise you (Option #2) to skip the party and consider expanding your friend circle beyond this group.
No one knew you were dating, now he sees you as an enemy. At any moment you could tell your story and "out" him to the friend group as a jerk. Unfortunately, he may already be slagging you off to your friends, making up lies. If he hasn't started to do this, he will soon. He's accepted this invite knowing you will be there, or even if he's unsure of your attendance, he's already got a plan to neutralize your influence within the group.
Option #1: If your friendships are strong you can inform your group now about how you secretly dated and what he did. If your group is savvy and understands how sociopaths and psychopaths work, he gets disinvited and the group rallys around you in a #metoo kind of way. If your friends are SJW types this strategy has a greater chance of succeeding, it backfires if they're not cool like that.
Data point: There is no shame in conceding this friend group to him. If fully illuminating the experience to everyone, if being truthful and bringing the sunlight in on his actions would not be enough to protect you, then you don't need these people as friends.
OPTION #2: Discreetly detach until this guy gets exposed and expelled from the group without your involvement.
Only you know your friends. I caution you to not do either option halfway. That's the danger zone where it all backfires on you.
This is actually a great opportunity to spring clean your social connections. If this friend group would not have your back if they knew, then you have your answer and an opportunity to upgrade your friend group.
You are not a bad person, you are wonderful and smart. That's why he chose you. You can't control anyone else's actions or character, so make your decisions and move forward with your head held high. What an extraordinary experience! Long term this is lucky, a true education in psychology. Plan something really fun for that night if full disclosure and support from those particular friends is not a possibility. Be well. You've got this nailed either way!
posted by jbenben at 7:45 AM on May 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
People need to know about assholes like this. You should be angling to get him kicked out of your friend group and uninvited from the party. He's a user who doesn't care about other people. He's a bad friend and a bad person and your friends—who you've known for longer than he has—should back you up.
Don't protect this guy and let him poison your times with your friends. You owe him nothing. You're on your own turf, with your own established friend group. Fuck this guy. Attack.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:47 AM on May 11, 2018 [15 favorites]
Don't protect this guy and let him poison your times with your friends. You owe him nothing. You're on your own turf, with your own established friend group. Fuck this guy. Attack.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:47 AM on May 11, 2018 [15 favorites]
What else can I do to get over this?
Don't know if this advice will help, but... what the hell is he doing dating, if he's doing it so destructively to begin with?
Like seriously, what do you have to feel ashamed about? You're not dating like a train-wreck monster, treating dates so badly that they have to hide in the shadows, licking their wounds, until they're ready to come out into the light again; (in this case) he is.
This might only work for me, however, if I were you, I would really hone in on what you did well to not be a complete a**hole during the dating period/breakup. These bad feelings of having conducted oneself poorly are his, and quite frankly, you're carrying at least 50% of his crappy feelings here for him, so if you can mentally hack it now, just stop. If you didn't do intentionally hurtful or immature things, then don't spend so much time carrying the shame here. Don't be ashamed at the party; let him hold those feelings.
Your gut might be nervous, not because he's a *bad* guy, but because his immaturity means he has the potential to do a lot of hurtful things while claiming he's "too dumb" to understand what he's doing, because of, well, testicles (which sadly in our North American collective culture, remains an actual legitimate excuse for many men to have not been adequately mentored in better dating practices; you sound spot on, btw, that he started to get attached, and panicked by pre-emptively breaking up when he realized he didn't have the social skills to adjust what he was doing wrong). Be brave, have faith in yourself, go to this party, and Good Luck!
posted by human ecologist at 7:49 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Don't know if this advice will help, but... what the hell is he doing dating, if he's doing it so destructively to begin with?
Like seriously, what do you have to feel ashamed about? You're not dating like a train-wreck monster, treating dates so badly that they have to hide in the shadows, licking their wounds, until they're ready to come out into the light again; (in this case) he is.
This might only work for me, however, if I were you, I would really hone in on what you did well to not be a complete a**hole during the dating period/breakup. These bad feelings of having conducted oneself poorly are his, and quite frankly, you're carrying at least 50% of his crappy feelings here for him, so if you can mentally hack it now, just stop. If you didn't do intentionally hurtful or immature things, then don't spend so much time carrying the shame here. Don't be ashamed at the party; let him hold those feelings.
Your gut might be nervous, not because he's a *bad* guy, but because his immaturity means he has the potential to do a lot of hurtful things while claiming he's "too dumb" to understand what he's doing, because of, well, testicles (which sadly in our North American collective culture, remains an actual legitimate excuse for many men to have not been adequately mentored in better dating practices; you sound spot on, btw, that he started to get attached, and panicked by pre-emptively breaking up when he realized he didn't have the social skills to adjust what he was doing wrong). Be brave, have faith in yourself, go to this party, and Good Luck!
posted by human ecologist at 7:49 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
oh my god, tell somebody. tell somebody casually, out at dinner or over drinks, someone you trust. let his name come up or bring it up yourself and say, Ha, that guy, he seems cool, right? the weirdest thing happened, we went out a few times, right? and then out of nowhere he announces he was just "using me" and walked away without waiting for an answer! who does that? who says that? at least it's a good story. how was your weekend?
or ok tell it differently. but point is this is NOT YOUR SHAMEFUL SECRET. this is a bizarre story to tell and tell, like you might tell everybody if your Uber driver started trying to induct you into a religious cult mid-ride and it was very awkward. not because you need to destroy his rep but because THAT'S WEIRD and keeping a creep's business quiet for him is nobody's job but his own, and he has failed at it. tell tell tell tell.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:54 AM on May 11, 2018 [67 favorites]
or ok tell it differently. but point is this is NOT YOUR SHAMEFUL SECRET. this is a bizarre story to tell and tell, like you might tell everybody if your Uber driver started trying to induct you into a religious cult mid-ride and it was very awkward. not because you need to destroy his rep but because THAT'S WEIRD and keeping a creep's business quiet for him is nobody's job but his own, and he has failed at it. tell tell tell tell.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:54 AM on May 11, 2018 [67 favorites]
Totally tell. Just like queenofbithynia says. Tell one or two people. "I had the most bizarre thing happen the other day." Juicy story, it'll get around. It's fine to skip the party if you're not ready to deal with it, but I'd encourage you to go and think of it the same way as if you'd seen an ugly spider in the shed there. Like ew, but not a reason to be afraid. Don't cede your space to this.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:07 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:07 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Are there mental hacks I can employ?
"See that guy over there? Went on a couple dates with that guy, then one day we were out together and out of nowhere he told me that he was using me, but felt like he was becoming attached and that he didn't want to see me again and then, get this, he just walked away... I mean seriously, wtf? Who writes that guy's lines, Julien fucking Blanc?"
...not so much a mental hack as a thing to be overheard saying quite loudly, but it should work pretty well.
Not your job to make this party a comfortable experience for this up-himself excuse for a PUA.
posted by flabdablet at 8:10 AM on May 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
"See that guy over there? Went on a couple dates with that guy, then one day we were out together and out of nowhere he told me that he was using me, but felt like he was becoming attached and that he didn't want to see me again and then, get this, he just walked away... I mean seriously, wtf? Who writes that guy's lines, Julien fucking Blanc?"
...not so much a mental hack as a thing to be overheard saying quite loudly, but it should work pretty well.
Not your job to make this party a comfortable experience for this up-himself excuse for a PUA.
posted by flabdablet at 8:10 AM on May 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
I know people cope with seeing ex-spouses and people they deeply loved once and I don't know how they do that.
Personally, what's worked for me is not seeing them within 10 seconds of breaking up. It's not a on/off switch, and it takes a while. That's okay.
Nthing everyone who says you should tell people. This doesn't need to be secret; you didn't do anything wrong, or anything to be ashamed of, and you don't need to protect him.
posted by rtha at 8:18 AM on May 11, 2018
Personally, what's worked for me is not seeing them within 10 seconds of breaking up. It's not a on/off switch, and it takes a while. That's okay.
Nthing everyone who says you should tell people. This doesn't need to be secret; you didn't do anything wrong, or anything to be ashamed of, and you don't need to protect him.
posted by rtha at 8:18 AM on May 11, 2018
There's going to come a point where he's going to do more damage and your friends are going to find out you knew about him and didn't say anything. If they're your friends, aren't you concerned about what he's going to do to them?
Keeping secrets is pretty much always a bad idea. It's fine to be discreet, you don't need to perform the entire relationship in interpretive dance for them, but a word to the wise is appropriate here.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:29 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Keeping secrets is pretty much always a bad idea. It's fine to be discreet, you don't need to perform the entire relationship in interpretive dance for them, but a word to the wise is appropriate here.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:29 AM on May 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
You don't go into details about what "ethics" conflict, but you say he's not as kind in private as he seems in public, plus some "appalling" things he told you. That, plus the way he broke up with you, makes him sounds ... kind of scary and unstable.
You say he's newer to your social circle, so presumably your friends know you better than they know him. Please tell your friends that this person makes you uncomfortable and why. There is a vast difference between "we broke up so now it's awkward" and "this person scares me."
posted by darksong at 8:54 AM on May 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
You say he's newer to your social circle, so presumably your friends know you better than they know him. Please tell your friends that this person makes you uncomfortable and why. There is a vast difference between "we broke up so now it's awkward" and "this person scares me."
posted by darksong at 8:54 AM on May 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
I think you shouldn’t go to the party if you don’t want to face the guy.
Telling your friend of your secret assignation is not going to make them un-invite him, I’m afraid. Don’t feed the drama.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:37 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Telling your friend of your secret assignation is not going to make them un-invite him, I’m afraid. Don’t feed the drama.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:37 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Skip this party, if you want. But long-haul listen to queenofbithynia and others telling you to tell the story with a taking-the-high-road attitude so word can get out and it's obvious you are not the pot stirrer.
And be prepared for a few friends to take his side. Be dismissive, big yawn, because this is not a BIG DEAL for you when you're interacting with those who like gossip and drama and want to exploit your experience for cheap thrills.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:37 AM on May 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
And be prepared for a few friends to take his side. Be dismissive, big yawn, because this is not a BIG DEAL for you when you're interacting with those who like gossip and drama and want to exploit your experience for cheap thrills.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:37 AM on May 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
What he did was shitty and is a reflection only of his own shittiness.
Please don't take his poor behavior as a reflection of your own worth.
Also, please do not brush it under the rug, or feel like this newcomer somehow has more "right" to your social circle of longstanding than you do.
I think because it's so easy to feel a sense of shame as a recipient of terrible behavior, it's really difficult to disclose. But please remember that this exact same dynamic is what ends up causing missing stairs in established communities.
You don't have anything to be ashamed of here. He does. Tell your friends.
posted by Sublimity at 11:27 AM on May 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
Please don't take his poor behavior as a reflection of your own worth.
Also, please do not brush it under the rug, or feel like this newcomer somehow has more "right" to your social circle of longstanding than you do.
I think because it's so easy to feel a sense of shame as a recipient of terrible behavior, it's really difficult to disclose. But please remember that this exact same dynamic is what ends up causing missing stairs in established communities.
You don't have anything to be ashamed of here. He does. Tell your friends.
posted by Sublimity at 11:27 AM on May 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
Assuming that he might be a sociopath or a narcissist, I recommend being cautious about how you go about calling him out to your friend group. Although this guy doesn't sound all that skillful, in general, sociopaths and narcissists can be very skilled at impression management. If he does fall into one of these categories, be prepared that he may have already started a smear campaign against you and gotten to the narrative first. Additionally, members of that friend group may still be so hoodwinked by his charm that they are just not willing to see behind the facade yet.
I've found that the best way to tell others about this kind of experience is from a place of non-reactivity, calmly stating the facts, with no attachment to whether or not anyone else believes me or takes my side. Being as calm and objective as possible is really key. If he is aware of you getting angry or upset, he may try to use that against you. Here are a couple of links that you may find useful to help you navigate this.
posted by jazzbaby at 11:41 AM on May 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
I've found that the best way to tell others about this kind of experience is from a place of non-reactivity, calmly stating the facts, with no attachment to whether or not anyone else believes me or takes my side. Being as calm and objective as possible is really key. If he is aware of you getting angry or upset, he may try to use that against you. Here are a couple of links that you may find useful to help you navigate this.
posted by jazzbaby at 11:41 AM on May 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
Jazzbaby speaks truth. You need to get on this now, because if you wait you may find that this asshole has already turned your friends against you. There's lots of advice above about how to deal with this shit without branding yourself as a drama queen, which is how he will try to paint you in front of your frirnds.
You did nothing wrong. He did, and also showed you what kind of person he is at the same time. Not a good kind of person, but the other kind. Do not be ashamed. Push him out.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:56 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
You did nothing wrong. He did, and also showed you what kind of person he is at the same time. Not a good kind of person, but the other kind. Do not be ashamed. Push him out.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:56 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Still, the utter absurdity of his admission would always give me a chuckle
Yes this guy sounds like a complete knob. It is hurtful now, but you will be able to laugh about what a self-important little tosser he is later, I promise you.
posted by tinkletown at 2:39 PM on May 11, 2018
Yes this guy sounds like a complete knob. It is hurtful now, but you will be able to laugh about what a self-important little tosser he is later, I promise you.
posted by tinkletown at 2:39 PM on May 11, 2018
I feel a visceral type of fear at the idea of being around him again and I can't tell if that fear is warranted or if I'm being overly dramatic.
I am 1000% sure it is warranted and you are NOT being overly dramatic.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:49 PM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am 1000% sure it is warranted and you are NOT being overly dramatic.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:49 PM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
He’s relying on your shame about the way he dumped you (you have nothing to feel ashamed about!) to keep you quiet. This allows him to frame any story that might be told to his benefit. I’d beat him to the punch and just tell the truth to your friend group. You dated, he dumped you horribly (giving examples) and now you’re actively scared to be around him. If you see him at the party, tell him you don’t appreciate being used and abused and you remember he never wanted to see you again, so the door’s over there and you expect to never see him at any of these functions again. And if all your mutual friends hear and thinks he’s a shitty person, well, they’d be right.
posted by Jubey at 4:39 AM on May 12, 2018
posted by Jubey at 4:39 AM on May 12, 2018
Yes to tell your friends.
I confronted him over text
Don't bother with this sort of thing, he doesn't care about how you feel other than to use your feelings to manipulate you.
He will never, never satisfactorily answer the question of why he's such an asshole to you. Just accept that he's an asshole and move on.
posted by yohko at 1:58 PM on May 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
I confronted him over text
Don't bother with this sort of thing, he doesn't care about how you feel other than to use your feelings to manipulate you.
He will never, never satisfactorily answer the question of why he's such an asshole to you. Just accept that he's an asshole and move on.
posted by yohko at 1:58 PM on May 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just accept that he's an asshole and move on.
This is good advice, but it might be difficult to implement; decent people have a great deal of inbuilt resistance to crediting that somebody who has just behaved like a complete arsehole could plausibly be as crass as that while still remaining somehow capable of functioning as an autonomous adult.
Encountering this for the first time is simply astonishing. For people with sheltered upbringings (such as myself) it remains consistently astonishing, and it can take decades of experiencing that astonishment before acceptance finally sinks in.
But here's the thing: arseholes know that. They absolutely know that the people they screw over, and the people subsequently warned by those they screw over, will have a great deal of difficulty believing that anybody would actually choose to behave that way. They know that the people they target will be frantically casting about for explanations of their behaviour that do not require them to accept the existence of unadulterated, wilful arseholery, and for ways to respond that don't involve doing harm to the arsehole. And arseholes trade on that knowledge. It's the main reason they can continue to behave this way and still function as autonomous adults.
For the sake of maintaining herd immunity against arseholes, it is our duty as decent human beings to kick them loudly to the kerb as soon as practicable after detection.
posted by flabdablet at 4:47 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is good advice, but it might be difficult to implement; decent people have a great deal of inbuilt resistance to crediting that somebody who has just behaved like a complete arsehole could plausibly be as crass as that while still remaining somehow capable of functioning as an autonomous adult.
Encountering this for the first time is simply astonishing. For people with sheltered upbringings (such as myself) it remains consistently astonishing, and it can take decades of experiencing that astonishment before acceptance finally sinks in.
But here's the thing: arseholes know that. They absolutely know that the people they screw over, and the people subsequently warned by those they screw over, will have a great deal of difficulty believing that anybody would actually choose to behave that way. They know that the people they target will be frantically casting about for explanations of their behaviour that do not require them to accept the existence of unadulterated, wilful arseholery, and for ways to respond that don't involve doing harm to the arsehole. And arseholes trade on that knowledge. It's the main reason they can continue to behave this way and still function as autonomous adults.
For the sake of maintaining herd immunity against arseholes, it is our duty as decent human beings to kick them loudly to the kerb as soon as practicable after detection.
posted by flabdablet at 4:47 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
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You're not being overly dramatic. Are you sure there is no way to avoid seeing this guy again? What would happen if you told your friends that you were dating and broke up, that he treated you in a cruel and awful way--as he did--and that, therefore, you will not be in any room that contains him in the foreseeable future? If they still want to see him, surely they can organise that separately from occasions when they see you? It's not 100% clear to me why there was secrecy about the fact that you were dating and broke up, but unless there are reasons you haven't shared here it sounds a little bit like you are trying to protect this guy from the consequences of his actions and the question is why you feel you owe him that at the expense of protecting yourself.
posted by Aravis76 at 7:19 AM on May 11, 2018 [13 favorites]