Just found out that cheating ex is having a baby with the other woman
April 25, 2018 5:26 PM Subscribe
Yet again I'm thrown for a loop and ask for your patience and advice. Having trouble dealing with a) the news, b) the way the news came to me and c) how to process this information so I don't end up acting like a dick around a blameless child. Would love to hear from people who've been through, and dealt elegantly with, situations like this. Flurry of snowflakes inside.
So Friday night, I head out to see a friend performing.
On arriving at the tiny venue, the first person I see is the woman, A, from this question (TL;DR, she repeatedly brought up my ex boyfriends apropos of nothing even though I asked her if we could talk about the million and one other things we have in common instead), who I have been studiously 'too busy' to catch up with since our issues last year. I'm in a good mood and feeling at one with the world so I greet A and chat fairly neutrally about what's been going on in our lives. She asks why she hasn't seen me, but I have genuinely been snowed under with work and house renovations so feel not too guilty about using those as an excuse as to why I haven't been in touch.
Then I notice my ex, B, from this old question, standing a little way away (TL;DR, together almost three years, found out a year after the break up that he'd been seeing someone else on the side during the last few months of the relationship and had basically taken up with her immediately after I broke up with him - been more than a year since that low point). Again, my initial reaction is heart-sinking but I decide to be positive and greet him, brief neutral chat, go about our separate business.
I remember feeling pleased that I was, finally, finally, over it, in a good place and able to navigate these social situations without too much awkwardness and generally set about having a lovely time with the other people I knew there.
So when A beckoned me over to the bar I didn't think much of it, thought she was going to offer me a drink and I planned to decline as I didn't want to feel beholden to her, but she just started asking me about some other subject. Then B walked past and she called out to him. He came over to us and she said something like, "Heard your big news!" I thought perhaps he'd got a record contract or, hopefully, was moving to another continent, but he said to me, "I'm having a baby."
Rest of the conversation was a blur as she asked him all the usual stuff and I just stood there, blank faced. Due in November, apparently, just had the 12-week scan. He didn't seem super happy, but perhaps that was the situation of being forced to tell your childless and single, 38-year-old ex-girlfriend who you had told that you wanted a child/ren with and then strung her along for a year or more, that you're now pregnant with your new partner who you cheated on her with. He said he "felt terrified" and "kept noticing evil children", which were sentiments he expressed towards the end of our relationship about the time he started pulling away from me. I couldn't pretend to be happy so just said to him, "I'm sure you'll be fine." A was babbling something I couldn't understand, so I said to her, "I have no idea what you're talking about" and B said, "No, me neither." Fortunately, the next band started up about that point so we three parted.
For a couple of minutes I thought I was going to have to leave, just run out somewhere and cry and scream, but I sat down to text a friend and during the texting I started mentally replaying some of his non-committal greatest hits. Suddenly I was completely dry eyed, even grinning. I ended up getting myself another drink, meeting a bunch of interesting new people and having a pretty good time.
Whoop-de-do for me, but the issues have come since that night. I've been drunk, properly drunk, most of the nights since. In the daytimes I've hardly been out of bed. I took a guy I'd seen for a couple of dates home, did a bunch of drugs and had terrible sex with the thought in my mind, "you're only doing this because B is having a baby", what's worse I think the guy was a good person, and keen, and I told him the next day that I wasn't in the right head space to see him so that's all ended. And when I haven't been doing those things I've been crying and imagining and replaying.
I'm not going to drink again until I feel settled and I know I don't want B back. I'm already no contact with him and have no intention of ever contacting A again either.
I guess my questions are,
a) How can I process this news without getting sucked into speculation, what ifs, etc? How to deal in public? People are already suggesting it must be an unplanned pregnancy as he's notorious for serially dating women in their mid-to-late thirties who want children and stringing them along for years until he gets caught for cheating or they get fed up with waiting.
b) That A. I feel she set up that conversation for the exquisite drama of getting to see me find out about the pregnancy. Yet at the same time, how could she - even if she was drunk? I mean, how cruel? How do I deal with that knowledge when I bump into her next?
c) There's going to be a baby. I'm super glad I found out now because I have months to get used to the idea, but ouch. How do I deal when I see them as a family? I don't want to end up obsessing over their lives or coveting or resenting a child or acting out in any way but I feel like it's going to be horribly painful.
FEELINGS! Elegant solutions all gratefully received. Thanks in advance.
So Friday night, I head out to see a friend performing.
On arriving at the tiny venue, the first person I see is the woman, A, from this question (TL;DR, she repeatedly brought up my ex boyfriends apropos of nothing even though I asked her if we could talk about the million and one other things we have in common instead), who I have been studiously 'too busy' to catch up with since our issues last year. I'm in a good mood and feeling at one with the world so I greet A and chat fairly neutrally about what's been going on in our lives. She asks why she hasn't seen me, but I have genuinely been snowed under with work and house renovations so feel not too guilty about using those as an excuse as to why I haven't been in touch.
Then I notice my ex, B, from this old question, standing a little way away (TL;DR, together almost three years, found out a year after the break up that he'd been seeing someone else on the side during the last few months of the relationship and had basically taken up with her immediately after I broke up with him - been more than a year since that low point). Again, my initial reaction is heart-sinking but I decide to be positive and greet him, brief neutral chat, go about our separate business.
I remember feeling pleased that I was, finally, finally, over it, in a good place and able to navigate these social situations without too much awkwardness and generally set about having a lovely time with the other people I knew there.
So when A beckoned me over to the bar I didn't think much of it, thought she was going to offer me a drink and I planned to decline as I didn't want to feel beholden to her, but she just started asking me about some other subject. Then B walked past and she called out to him. He came over to us and she said something like, "Heard your big news!" I thought perhaps he'd got a record contract or, hopefully, was moving to another continent, but he said to me, "I'm having a baby."
Rest of the conversation was a blur as she asked him all the usual stuff and I just stood there, blank faced. Due in November, apparently, just had the 12-week scan. He didn't seem super happy, but perhaps that was the situation of being forced to tell your childless and single, 38-year-old ex-girlfriend who you had told that you wanted a child/ren with and then strung her along for a year or more, that you're now pregnant with your new partner who you cheated on her with. He said he "felt terrified" and "kept noticing evil children", which were sentiments he expressed towards the end of our relationship about the time he started pulling away from me. I couldn't pretend to be happy so just said to him, "I'm sure you'll be fine." A was babbling something I couldn't understand, so I said to her, "I have no idea what you're talking about" and B said, "No, me neither." Fortunately, the next band started up about that point so we three parted.
For a couple of minutes I thought I was going to have to leave, just run out somewhere and cry and scream, but I sat down to text a friend and during the texting I started mentally replaying some of his non-committal greatest hits. Suddenly I was completely dry eyed, even grinning. I ended up getting myself another drink, meeting a bunch of interesting new people and having a pretty good time.
Whoop-de-do for me, but the issues have come since that night. I've been drunk, properly drunk, most of the nights since. In the daytimes I've hardly been out of bed. I took a guy I'd seen for a couple of dates home, did a bunch of drugs and had terrible sex with the thought in my mind, "you're only doing this because B is having a baby", what's worse I think the guy was a good person, and keen, and I told him the next day that I wasn't in the right head space to see him so that's all ended. And when I haven't been doing those things I've been crying and imagining and replaying.
I'm not going to drink again until I feel settled and I know I don't want B back. I'm already no contact with him and have no intention of ever contacting A again either.
I guess my questions are,
a) How can I process this news without getting sucked into speculation, what ifs, etc? How to deal in public? People are already suggesting it must be an unplanned pregnancy as he's notorious for serially dating women in their mid-to-late thirties who want children and stringing them along for years until he gets caught for cheating or they get fed up with waiting.
b) That A. I feel she set up that conversation for the exquisite drama of getting to see me find out about the pregnancy. Yet at the same time, how could she - even if she was drunk? I mean, how cruel? How do I deal with that knowledge when I bump into her next?
c) There's going to be a baby. I'm super glad I found out now because I have months to get used to the idea, but ouch. How do I deal when I see them as a family? I don't want to end up obsessing over their lives or coveting or resenting a child or acting out in any way but I feel like it's going to be horribly painful.
FEELINGS! Elegant solutions all gratefully received. Thanks in advance.
There is nothing to do. You're doing what there is to do. This guy sounds like an immature idiot. This other person, A? She's an instigator and you should drop her like the 9 million followers who just dropped Kanye West for wearing a MAGA hat.
Honestly you're just going to have to be drunk for a while, get to the point where it hurts but not so bad you want to punish yourself, and then get better. Avoid your ex and his new family. Just know he is never going to sleep again and he's going to feel like a failure for a long time until his child - hopefully - forces him to grow up.
Oh, and see if you can have more meaningless, non-terrible sex for a while. Non drunk sex with extremely hot people. I'm sorry. This happens to the very best people and it's not your fault. Stop seeking him out. Don't go to the same bars. Go on a trip. Get therapy to help you get it out of your head that you can only be happy with a man on your arm, even a loser who is this callous and idiotic. Just all the regular stuff to get over people, I'm afraid.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:42 PM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Honestly you're just going to have to be drunk for a while, get to the point where it hurts but not so bad you want to punish yourself, and then get better. Avoid your ex and his new family. Just know he is never going to sleep again and he's going to feel like a failure for a long time until his child - hopefully - forces him to grow up.
Oh, and see if you can have more meaningless, non-terrible sex for a while. Non drunk sex with extremely hot people. I'm sorry. This happens to the very best people and it's not your fault. Stop seeking him out. Don't go to the same bars. Go on a trip. Get therapy to help you get it out of your head that you can only be happy with a man on your arm, even a loser who is this callous and idiotic. Just all the regular stuff to get over people, I'm afraid.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:42 PM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's easier said than done, especially because I'm not in your shoes, but ya just gotta let it go. You've been split with him for over a year. He's living his life; you're living your life. He was an a**hole, for sure, but he's not a part of your life. Nothing he does matters in your life anymore.
I'm going to assume the best and say that A is just unaware and didn't mean any ill will toward you. Even if she tried to create drama, you didn't let drama happen. Good for you.
But you've brought drama into your life after the fact. Why? Why let him affect your life anymore?
If you run into them, then just treat him the way you'd treat an acquaintance you knew from grade school. Simple polite, hello, move on.
No good will come of holding grudges and hatred toward him, her, or the baby.
posted by hydra77 at 5:42 PM on April 25, 2018 [17 favorites]
I'm going to assume the best and say that A is just unaware and didn't mean any ill will toward you. Even if she tried to create drama, you didn't let drama happen. Good for you.
But you've brought drama into your life after the fact. Why? Why let him affect your life anymore?
If you run into them, then just treat him the way you'd treat an acquaintance you knew from grade school. Simple polite, hello, move on.
No good will come of holding grudges and hatred toward him, her, or the baby.
posted by hydra77 at 5:42 PM on April 25, 2018 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Gently, I would just say:
You two broke up.
He moved on.
You should, too.
But, here's something more specific:
a) You can always console yourself by remembering that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So I would assume that the relationship your ex has now still wrestles - and will likely always wrestle - with "issues" that you would find..."familiar." Be grateful you're not the one who is now tied to him forever by virtue of having to be co-parents.
b) Your friend is a gossip and a drama queen, per your previous questions. Adjust your plans and expectations, accordingly; stop taking it personally.
c) You remind yourself that it's a baby and that it has nothing to do with you, which means you can be happy for that baby as a creature in the world who deserves the kind of well-wishing awash with hope and happiness that we all do.
posted by pinkacademic at 5:47 PM on April 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
You two broke up.
He moved on.
You should, too.
But, here's something more specific:
a) You can always console yourself by remembering that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So I would assume that the relationship your ex has now still wrestles - and will likely always wrestle - with "issues" that you would find..."familiar." Be grateful you're not the one who is now tied to him forever by virtue of having to be co-parents.
b) Your friend is a gossip and a drama queen, per your previous questions. Adjust your plans and expectations, accordingly; stop taking it personally.
c) You remind yourself that it's a baby and that it has nothing to do with you, which means you can be happy for that baby as a creature in the world who deserves the kind of well-wishing awash with hope and happiness that we all do.
posted by pinkacademic at 5:47 PM on April 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
Best answer: a) How can I process this news without getting sucked into speculation, what ifs, etc? How to deal in public? People are already suggesting it must be an unplanned pregnancy as he's notorious for serially dating women in their mid-to-late thirties who want children and stringing them along for years until he gets caught for cheating or they get fed up with waiting.
It's perfectly okay for you to say, "I'd rather talk about something else" if people bring it up. You can process stuff on your own without doing it in front of all and sundry who, unless they're your good, caring, supportive friends, don't have your best mental health interests at heart. You don't owe them any participation in these conversations. Yes, some will be unkind and think you're too sensitive about it or not coping well or whatever, but then that means they're jerks whose opinions don't matter.
b) That A. I feel she set up that conversation for the exquisite drama of getting to see me find out about the pregnancy. Yet at the same time, how could she - even if she was drunk? I mean, how cruel? How do I deal with that knowledge when I bump into her next?
Avoid her if possible. If you bump into her, make an excuse about how you can't stop to talk. Seriously. She doesn't have your best interests at heart either, so you don't need to be polite and suffer through her obnoxious glee at drama. Practice what you'll say to her if you run into her: "Oh, I can't stop to talk right now. Bye!" And then walk away.
c) There's going to be a baby. I'm super glad I found out now because I have months to get used to the idea, but ouch. How do I deal when I see them as a family? I don't want to end up obsessing over their lives or coveting or resenting a child or acting out in any way but I feel like it's going to be horribly painful.
It will be painful. You don't owe them anything either. I am a big fan of walking the other way if you see them coming. Who cares if they see you--pretend you didn't see them. You have somewhere else to be. If they see you first and talk to you, use the same line as you do on A: "Oh, I can't stop to talk right now. Bye!" And leave.
Avoid, avoid, avoid. Yes, you will need to process this sometime and come to terms with it so it doesn't hurt as much, but you don't need to do it with these people. Find a good counsellor and/or trusted friends and family who love you and care about you, and talk about it with them. Write it out in a journal. But you don't owe anyone a conversation about this, least of all A and B.
Good luck, and I'm sorry you are going through this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:47 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's perfectly okay for you to say, "I'd rather talk about something else" if people bring it up. You can process stuff on your own without doing it in front of all and sundry who, unless they're your good, caring, supportive friends, don't have your best mental health interests at heart. You don't owe them any participation in these conversations. Yes, some will be unkind and think you're too sensitive about it or not coping well or whatever, but then that means they're jerks whose opinions don't matter.
b) That A. I feel she set up that conversation for the exquisite drama of getting to see me find out about the pregnancy. Yet at the same time, how could she - even if she was drunk? I mean, how cruel? How do I deal with that knowledge when I bump into her next?
Avoid her if possible. If you bump into her, make an excuse about how you can't stop to talk. Seriously. She doesn't have your best interests at heart either, so you don't need to be polite and suffer through her obnoxious glee at drama. Practice what you'll say to her if you run into her: "Oh, I can't stop to talk right now. Bye!" And then walk away.
c) There's going to be a baby. I'm super glad I found out now because I have months to get used to the idea, but ouch. How do I deal when I see them as a family? I don't want to end up obsessing over their lives or coveting or resenting a child or acting out in any way but I feel like it's going to be horribly painful.
It will be painful. You don't owe them anything either. I am a big fan of walking the other way if you see them coming. Who cares if they see you--pretend you didn't see them. You have somewhere else to be. If they see you first and talk to you, use the same line as you do on A: "Oh, I can't stop to talk right now. Bye!" And leave.
Avoid, avoid, avoid. Yes, you will need to process this sometime and come to terms with it so it doesn't hurt as much, but you don't need to do it with these people. Find a good counsellor and/or trusted friends and family who love you and care about you, and talk about it with them. Write it out in a journal. But you don't owe anyone a conversation about this, least of all A and B.
Good luck, and I'm sorry you are going through this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:47 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Again, my initial reaction is heart-sinking but I decide to be positive and greet him, brief neutral chat, go about our separate business.
In future? You do not owe him even this. Brief neutral chats are for people you have a neutral history for. You're allowed to not like this dude and to not actually talk to him. Anybody in your life who gets weird about you not talking to him is not a friend and probably also someone you don't really owe neutral chats to. I'm not saying this like I blame you for any of it, just like--give yourself permission to dislike people who haven't been nice to you! It isn't some kind of charity on your part to give them more of your time and energy because they don't benefit from it, and it hurts you.
If someone you know who knows your ex calls your ex over while you're talking to them, you're allowed to ask them if they are out of their goddamn minds and then take off. It isn't unforgivable rudeness when the other person was this staggeringly inconsiderate first.
posted by Sequence at 5:52 PM on April 25, 2018 [13 favorites]
In future? You do not owe him even this. Brief neutral chats are for people you have a neutral history for. You're allowed to not like this dude and to not actually talk to him. Anybody in your life who gets weird about you not talking to him is not a friend and probably also someone you don't really owe neutral chats to. I'm not saying this like I blame you for any of it, just like--give yourself permission to dislike people who haven't been nice to you! It isn't some kind of charity on your part to give them more of your time and energy because they don't benefit from it, and it hurts you.
If someone you know who knows your ex calls your ex over while you're talking to them, you're allowed to ask them if they are out of their goddamn minds and then take off. It isn't unforgivable rudeness when the other person was this staggeringly inconsiderate first.
posted by Sequence at 5:52 PM on April 25, 2018 [13 favorites]
Best answer: This is what would make me feel better. YMMV.
Imagine how you'd feel if in fact the story had gone differently and you were stuck with this gem. And if YOU were the one home pregnant by him, and then found out while you were probably home trying not to puke up ginger snaps, he was at a bar saying things about the pregnancy to his old girlfriend: not boundary-respecting things; not loyal-to-you-the-mother-of-his-baby things; not things like "Yes, door noise and I are having our child soon, we are excited, we're fixing up the nursery now;" but rather things like "I'm terrified" and "I keep seeing evil children."
Remind yourself you dodged a bullet.
posted by velveeta underground at 5:52 PM on April 25, 2018 [73 favorites]
Imagine how you'd feel if in fact the story had gone differently and you were stuck with this gem. And if YOU were the one home pregnant by him, and then found out while you were probably home trying not to puke up ginger snaps, he was at a bar saying things about the pregnancy to his old girlfriend: not boundary-respecting things; not loyal-to-you-the-mother-of-his-baby things; not things like "Yes, door noise and I are having our child soon, we are excited, we're fixing up the nursery now;" but rather things like "I'm terrified" and "I keep seeing evil children."
Remind yourself you dodged a bullet.
posted by velveeta underground at 5:52 PM on April 25, 2018 [73 favorites]
You can be neutral towards A + navigate away from her whenever you see her. Fucking hell do I HATE people that hurt others on purpose like that. Be really really angry at her, then let it go. Her inner life is a dystopian nightmare. Be glad you are not her.
- Shortcut is to do a daily meditation where you picture each one of these people really happy in life and getting their heart's desires in life. It works to free your mind from ruminating and it helps you move on, I don't know how it works, but it does.
In the meantime join a yoga (or martial arts?) studio or gym and go at least 2x per week. Go to some kind of class regularly. Do it for 2 weeks or a month. This wil blow over.
posted by jbenben at 5:55 PM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
- Shortcut is to do a daily meditation where you picture each one of these people really happy in life and getting their heart's desires in life. It works to free your mind from ruminating and it helps you move on, I don't know how it works, but it does.
In the meantime join a yoga (or martial arts?) studio or gym and go at least 2x per week. Go to some kind of class regularly. Do it for 2 weeks or a month. This wil blow over.
posted by jbenben at 5:55 PM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I think it’s best to remember that it’s not a straight line. Getting over an emotional connection is an up and down, zig zag, rollercoaster. The surprise is intense, but it will pass more quickly than the first heartache. Each and every time will pass more quickly, and finally it will be (almost) painless.
I have friends (good friends!) that feel fine bringing up my ex and his new girlfriend. It’s a shock to the system every time. I don’t get it at all, except to think they are misguidedly trying to be helpful. I ask them to stop, then I just give them a wide berth.
It’s a cliche, but time is your friend. You will notice that you get over each shock more quickly. And you need to trust that.
posted by Vaike at 6:11 PM on April 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
I have friends (good friends!) that feel fine bringing up my ex and his new girlfriend. It’s a shock to the system every time. I don’t get it at all, except to think they are misguidedly trying to be helpful. I ask them to stop, then I just give them a wide berth.
It’s a cliche, but time is your friend. You will notice that you get over each shock more quickly. And you need to trust that.
posted by Vaike at 6:11 PM on April 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: To answer that, Rock 'em Sock 'em - small town, smaller creative scene, many mutual friends and similar tastes unfortunately. People tend to bring babies, toddlers and older kids along to events as a matter of course. I own a house and have many kind and lovely friends here so don't plan on leaving any time soon.
It would be wonderful if they moved away.
posted by doornoise at 6:20 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
It would be wonderful if they moved away.
posted by doornoise at 6:20 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
He might turn out to be an OK dad, though there's little to indicate that right now, but he's definitely a lousy partner. I would not want to have a kid with someone who's a bit shit at being a decent human being. When the going gets tough, he checks out. Guess what, kids are tough, and he knows that he's probably not going to be able to hack it.
It's bad enough seeing this guy every now and then, can you imagine having to share custody with him?!
posted by kjs4 at 6:36 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's bad enough seeing this guy every now and then, can you imagine having to share custody with him?!
posted by kjs4 at 6:36 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry that you had to hear this difficult news and how incredibly awful that you had to hear it the way you did. It's very understandable that is made you so upset knowing your back story and how it would feel so hurtful even though it's been a year since the break-up. I agree with the others that therapy sounds like a wise thing to consider: I'm someone who often has a lot of trouble with lingering feelings after break-ups, and therapy has really helped me there.
Here's my random advice:
1. Move to a new place because this one isn't a happy place for you. At best, you're tired of it and at worst, you're surrounded by toxic people. Sure, there are yucky people everywhere but a change a scenery and people can help you have a fresher perspective. You may have a niche field and a special job but the trade off may well be worth it. If you move to a bigger place, at least you'll have more and newer people to date.
2. Look into having a child on your own in a year or two. Thank fucking god you did not have children with this shitty man. Fortunately, you can totally make your dream come true on your own: it may look different but whatever it will be is better than what it would have been with him. You may believe that now but eventually you will be so glad. Having a baby is highly unlikely to make him a better person when he's so rotten so please don't feel you somehow missed out in any way. I feel for his child: as hard as it may be, wishing the best for this helpless little human stuck in the middle might help you approach this a bit differently.
You describe yourself in such a negative way here that makes me sad because I can tell how unhappy you are. This run-in sucked but it's a temporary set-back. Take time to process this and mourn the loss again but then later be open feeling better. It'll take some steps and changes big and small but you deserve it.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:09 PM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Here's my random advice:
1. Move to a new place because this one isn't a happy place for you. At best, you're tired of it and at worst, you're surrounded by toxic people. Sure, there are yucky people everywhere but a change a scenery and people can help you have a fresher perspective. You may have a niche field and a special job but the trade off may well be worth it. If you move to a bigger place, at least you'll have more and newer people to date.
2. Look into having a child on your own in a year or two. Thank fucking god you did not have children with this shitty man. Fortunately, you can totally make your dream come true on your own: it may look different but whatever it will be is better than what it would have been with him. You may believe that now but eventually you will be so glad. Having a baby is highly unlikely to make him a better person when he's so rotten so please don't feel you somehow missed out in any way. I feel for his child: as hard as it may be, wishing the best for this helpless little human stuck in the middle might help you approach this a bit differently.
You describe yourself in such a negative way here that makes me sad because I can tell how unhappy you are. This run-in sucked but it's a temporary set-back. Take time to process this and mourn the loss again but then later be open feeling better. It'll take some steps and changes big and small but you deserve it.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:09 PM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
You deal with inevitably seeing them as a family for the first time with the smug and superior knowledge that it will also be one of the last. There's no way he wanted this baby. There's no way he's going to be faithful to her. He'll get thrown out, she'll get a taste of what she brewed, and the only person you need to feel sorry for is their poor kid. What rotten lucky to have such lame, tropey parents.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:10 PM on April 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 7:10 PM on April 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Also, this would fall under the umbrella of establishing boundaries. I cannot recommend enough the self-help book Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day for sound advice and tips that are easy to implement. As others have said, you don't owe them anything, including even the time of day. Sometimes we think that if we're nice to people who have done us wrong, that they'll eventually be nicer to us due to our generous vulnerability. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Thankfully, we can establish new boundaries with old people when we are mindful and work hard. You may feel like you're falling apart when you see them but you can give off the front of being ice cold and strong, and that in and of itself is pretty empowering. It just takes practice. I wish you luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:17 PM on April 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 7:17 PM on April 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: It's just going to hurt and feel lethal and agonizing until it doesn't. Takes forever. You can tell yourself he's an utter tool and not worth thinking about--and it's useful to do this, actually, and to write down the ways he is a tool and post them prominently in your house, perhaps in code, in case anyone spies them. I did this.
HWOTWSOTTMD
HWOTWSOTCFD
HWOTWSOTBFD
HWOTWSOTDFD
HWOTWSOSMFDIIUBFL
I don't mean to say that it's immediately useful, because in my experience nothing is while you're in it. You just have to go through it for as long as it takes to not be in it anymore. Because nothing is useful, my coded list had no effect on me while I was in the thick of it. It or something must've at some point become useful, though, because oh my GOD how good it feels to type it now that I'm well out of it and do not care anymore.
The day will come when you don't care at all about a) or b) or c) and the most you'll be able to muster at the memory of caring is a dusty, mild amusement. "Oh, yeah, them," you'll think, maybe even affectionately. "Wow, right, all that nonsense. How ridiculous people are."
posted by Don Pepino at 7:29 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
HWOTWSOTTMD
HWOTWSOTCFD
HWOTWSOTBFD
HWOTWSOTDFD
HWOTWSOSMFDIIUBFL
I don't mean to say that it's immediately useful, because in my experience nothing is while you're in it. You just have to go through it for as long as it takes to not be in it anymore. Because nothing is useful, my coded list had no effect on me while I was in the thick of it. It or something must've at some point become useful, though, because oh my GOD how good it feels to type it now that I'm well out of it and do not care anymore.
The day will come when you don't care at all about a) or b) or c) and the most you'll be able to muster at the memory of caring is a dusty, mild amusement. "Oh, yeah, them," you'll think, maybe even affectionately. "Wow, right, all that nonsense. How ridiculous people are."
posted by Don Pepino at 7:29 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
He said he "felt terrified" and "kept noticing evil children", which were sentiments he expressed towards the end of our relationship about the time he started pulling away from me.
Holy fucking shit. 12 weeks old and dad is already being verbally degrading. This is a 44-year-old man who is telling his social acquaintances and a major ex that he does not want to be a father in incredibly immature and hurtful ways that will be deeply painful to absolutely everyone involved — his current partner, you, his other former partners because you say this is cereal behavior, his child when they’re old enough to understand this kind of language — pretty much everyone but the shit stirring friend is being hurt here. that will be deeply painful to absolutely everyone involved — his current partner, you, his other former partners because you say this is serial behavior, his child when they’re old enough to understand this kind of language — pretty much everyone but the shit stirring friend is being hurt and degraded here, and he is too self absorbed to care. He is playing a social game right now, basically making it Known in his social circle that he does not want this child. Depending on how selfish and Machiavellian he is, I would not consider it out of the running that he may be pressuring his partner to terminate the pregnancy, and this inappropriate talk about evil children is his way of laying the ground for all of his acquaintances to be able to say “well, good, he wasn’t ready to be a father anyway.”
I know that it is very, very hard to shift your emotional opinion of someone, especially someone you love deeply and wanted to build a life with. But everything you are saying about this guy does not stack up to your feelings hear that you have somehow missed the opportunity of your life because you are not in a relationship with him and expecting his child. When I have gotten out of relationships with shitty people, it’s taken a while for me to re-calibrate the way I internally processed their bad behavior. I was so used to taking these concrete examples of horribleness and casting them aside, somehow justifying them as being out of character, not the real them, that’s not how they Really Are. But this is how your ex Really Is. He is not some awesome guy who’s going to get a record contract at age 44 and be a great family man. He’s a horrible manchild who is responding to a pregnancy the way I would expect from an immature 20-year-old, and he is going to be a terrible, damaging father for this baby.
I know it is not something that’s going to happen overnight, and I know you feel stuck in this town and with these people, but I think it would be really good for you if you could somehow find a way to start emotionally detaching from this friend circle. You sound like you deserve so much more than these crappy people. Drink but hydrate, grieve for the life you were planning and found out it was a lie, because that’s a major trauma. And then please try to start living your life right now, for yourself. I am so sorry the person you love turned out to be such a piece of shit. I have faith that you can rise past it
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:15 PM on April 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Holy fucking shit. 12 weeks old and dad is already being verbally degrading. This is a 44-year-old man who is telling his social acquaintances and a major ex that he does not want to be a father in incredibly immature and hurtful ways that will be deeply painful to absolutely everyone involved — his current partner, you, his other former partners because you say this is cereal behavior, his child when they’re old enough to understand this kind of language — pretty much everyone but the shit stirring friend is being hurt here. that will be deeply painful to absolutely everyone involved — his current partner, you, his other former partners because you say this is serial behavior, his child when they’re old enough to understand this kind of language — pretty much everyone but the shit stirring friend is being hurt and degraded here, and he is too self absorbed to care. He is playing a social game right now, basically making it Known in his social circle that he does not want this child. Depending on how selfish and Machiavellian he is, I would not consider it out of the running that he may be pressuring his partner to terminate the pregnancy, and this inappropriate talk about evil children is his way of laying the ground for all of his acquaintances to be able to say “well, good, he wasn’t ready to be a father anyway.”
I know that it is very, very hard to shift your emotional opinion of someone, especially someone you love deeply and wanted to build a life with. But everything you are saying about this guy does not stack up to your feelings hear that you have somehow missed the opportunity of your life because you are not in a relationship with him and expecting his child. When I have gotten out of relationships with shitty people, it’s taken a while for me to re-calibrate the way I internally processed their bad behavior. I was so used to taking these concrete examples of horribleness and casting them aside, somehow justifying them as being out of character, not the real them, that’s not how they Really Are. But this is how your ex Really Is. He is not some awesome guy who’s going to get a record contract at age 44 and be a great family man. He’s a horrible manchild who is responding to a pregnancy the way I would expect from an immature 20-year-old, and he is going to be a terrible, damaging father for this baby.
I know it is not something that’s going to happen overnight, and I know you feel stuck in this town and with these people, but I think it would be really good for you if you could somehow find a way to start emotionally detaching from this friend circle. You sound like you deserve so much more than these crappy people. Drink but hydrate, grieve for the life you were planning and found out it was a lie, because that’s a major trauma. And then please try to start living your life right now, for yourself. I am so sorry the person you love turned out to be such a piece of shit. I have faith that you can rise past it
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:15 PM on April 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
I don‘t have good advice but wanted to say that I‘m so fucking impressed by how you handled the situation. You were the classiest person in the room. You didn‘t let A goad you into saying something you would regret. Her babbling is a sign of how flustered she was at not knowing what to do with the situation she‘s started, and then both you and ex shut her down. AND then you stayed to have a good time.
I know things got bad afterwards. Ups and downs etc. But I‘m confident that given the strength you showed you‘re already on the way up. Hang in there.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:43 PM on April 25, 2018 [16 favorites]
I know things got bad afterwards. Ups and downs etc. But I‘m confident that given the strength you showed you‘re already on the way up. Hang in there.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:43 PM on April 25, 2018 [16 favorites]
A is SUCH an asshole. If nothing else, kick that b to the curb post-haste.
posted by clseace at 1:39 PM on April 26, 2018
posted by clseace at 1:39 PM on April 26, 2018
This sounds like a friend of mine -- I went out of town and her boyfriend picked that time to dump her and move in with another coworker. This guy was another serial dater that never ended one relationship unless another woman was in the wings.
Only this time the new roommate found out she was pregnant.
Years have gone by. My friend has found romance and is now in a committed relationship. She realizes that this guy was telegraphing who he was from the first. She just made excuses for his behavior. Now she doesn't settle for less than she deserves.
And the guy? Still married with a child. Apparently he grew up along the way.
She hears about him from friends and past coworkers, but she wisely cut ties with both of them.
She looks back and is amazed at how much nonsense she put up with from the two of them before stepping away from the drama.
The best way to help them was to keep her distance and let them make their own decisions. And to quietly be thankful that she could walk away.
She grew up, too.
posted by TrishaU at 8:49 PM on April 26, 2018
Only this time the new roommate found out she was pregnant.
Years have gone by. My friend has found romance and is now in a committed relationship. She realizes that this guy was telegraphing who he was from the first. She just made excuses for his behavior. Now she doesn't settle for less than she deserves.
And the guy? Still married with a child. Apparently he grew up along the way.
She hears about him from friends and past coworkers, but she wisely cut ties with both of them.
She looks back and is amazed at how much nonsense she put up with from the two of them before stepping away from the drama.
The best way to help them was to keep her distance and let them make their own decisions. And to quietly be thankful that she could walk away.
She grew up, too.
posted by TrishaU at 8:49 PM on April 26, 2018
If you're going to see them around - and really why should you leave the community you love because of a non-commital ex. - it's a headspace question.
While you want a child, can you imagine the hell of having one with him? He may be different with this woman, he may not. As of now he hasn't improved as evidenced by the way he talked about his expected child to you. Maybe a child forces him to grow up, but something tells me even if that happens, it might only benefit the child somewhat... having a providing father and other practical things, which are not to be scoffed at..... but emotional maturity doesn't come overnight... this woman is very likely going to have a hard time co-parenting with him, and being partners with him. They haven't had much of a chance to even be together and the pregnancy could be unplanned.
I'm a woman in my late 30s who ended a 12 year long relationship and I'd like to have a child. But not at a severe long term emotional cost, and not with a man known to bail when the going gets tough. A child, in my view, does not balance out a bad marriage. Yes once it's there no one wishes they hadn't had it. Of course. But everyone wishes they didn't have a bad marriage or relationship. That is, however, what they are stuck with especially when right at the beginning the person is as scared and immature as this guy sounds. And extra stuck with if there's a child involved. It affects the rest of their life.
As for the child, you owe it nothing except to be a good citizen in the world. You might covet a child, but ask why you would covet this one? There is something about the man who strings you along right when your biological clock is speeding up that makes him the stand-in for what might have been, but that is just happenstance, he was a placeholder. Neither he nor his child need to be more significant. Wish them well when you're ready, until then you are under no obligation to anguish yourself over it.
Finally as others said - therapy. Not because he's having a child, but because you're in a moment in your own life where a good therapist will be very helpful. Sending you cameraderie.
posted by whatdoyouthink? at 10:39 PM on April 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
While you want a child, can you imagine the hell of having one with him? He may be different with this woman, he may not. As of now he hasn't improved as evidenced by the way he talked about his expected child to you. Maybe a child forces him to grow up, but something tells me even if that happens, it might only benefit the child somewhat... having a providing father and other practical things, which are not to be scoffed at..... but emotional maturity doesn't come overnight... this woman is very likely going to have a hard time co-parenting with him, and being partners with him. They haven't had much of a chance to even be together and the pregnancy could be unplanned.
I'm a woman in my late 30s who ended a 12 year long relationship and I'd like to have a child. But not at a severe long term emotional cost, and not with a man known to bail when the going gets tough. A child, in my view, does not balance out a bad marriage. Yes once it's there no one wishes they hadn't had it. Of course. But everyone wishes they didn't have a bad marriage or relationship. That is, however, what they are stuck with especially when right at the beginning the person is as scared and immature as this guy sounds. And extra stuck with if there's a child involved. It affects the rest of their life.
As for the child, you owe it nothing except to be a good citizen in the world. You might covet a child, but ask why you would covet this one? There is something about the man who strings you along right when your biological clock is speeding up that makes him the stand-in for what might have been, but that is just happenstance, he was a placeholder. Neither he nor his child need to be more significant. Wish them well when you're ready, until then you are under no obligation to anguish yourself over it.
Finally as others said - therapy. Not because he's having a child, but because you're in a moment in your own life where a good therapist will be very helpful. Sending you cameraderie.
posted by whatdoyouthink? at 10:39 PM on April 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
A) If people speculate and want your input, you can shrug or change the subject. They know your relationship with him. They either want a nasty comment from you which they can repeat or private insight from you--which they will also repeat. If people keep saying stuff, give some version of "I wish them well" or "Babies are great!" Even an "Oh, well" is nicely slippery. Anyone who is talking to you about it who not your super, secret-holding bestie who wants to help you process is being an asshole.
This week: You just mourned the last possibility with him, right? That baby says he won't be coming back you, and if he does, you can't take him back. And that's painful as hell. But now you can really look forward.
And in terms of processing, hopefully you can start to reframe this from some version of "I lost my guy and my potentially-with-him baby" to "Thank God I am divested of a cheating, child-disliking, gaslighting asshole before losing more of my life, and I did not get saddled with a child that he would resent and which would connect us together while he continued to cheat on me and make me feel awful."
B) Friend A has proven time and again to be, at best, hurtfully clueless, and more likely a total shit stirrer. This was a nice reminder to you that she continues to be who she is, and to avoid her. Be frosty, or change the subject, or tell her to change the subject. She's an energy suck.
C) The baby: When you run into them, have a practiced smile and a "Congrats!" ready to go, and then plan to move along. You ARE the woman he cheated on. No one expects you to be chummy. You get the opportunity to be polite (or not, even), and distracted, and not interested. You're the injured party. They should be ducking around corners to avoid running into you, so great is their mortification regarding how they acted.
Doornoise, I have to say, you dodged a BULLET. Good you stopping being drunk, as it's just chemically going to increase your blues. Time for self-care stuff.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 4:25 PM on April 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
This week: You just mourned the last possibility with him, right? That baby says he won't be coming back you, and if he does, you can't take him back. And that's painful as hell. But now you can really look forward.
And in terms of processing, hopefully you can start to reframe this from some version of "I lost my guy and my potentially-with-him baby" to "Thank God I am divested of a cheating, child-disliking, gaslighting asshole before losing more of my life, and I did not get saddled with a child that he would resent and which would connect us together while he continued to cheat on me and make me feel awful."
B) Friend A has proven time and again to be, at best, hurtfully clueless, and more likely a total shit stirrer. This was a nice reminder to you that she continues to be who she is, and to avoid her. Be frosty, or change the subject, or tell her to change the subject. She's an energy suck.
C) The baby: When you run into them, have a practiced smile and a "Congrats!" ready to go, and then plan to move along. You ARE the woman he cheated on. No one expects you to be chummy. You get the opportunity to be polite (or not, even), and distracted, and not interested. You're the injured party. They should be ducking around corners to avoid running into you, so great is their mortification regarding how they acted.
Doornoise, I have to say, you dodged a BULLET. Good you stopping being drunk, as it's just chemically going to increase your blues. Time for self-care stuff.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 4:25 PM on April 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks to everyone who responded. I marked the posts best that really resonated initially, but lots of necessary truths to chew over. I've been back over the answers dozens of times this week and it's comforting to think that I have them to return to if and when I feel a pang.
I got really ill on Friday evening: temperature, body aches, joint pain, swollen glands, the works. Spent yesterday shivering and sweating it out, then today I think I shat my own body weight in liquid, excuse the graphic phrasing.
I tend to think that our bodies do store up unprocessed feelings, so choosing to think of it as a metaphorical as well as literal purge. Onwards and upwards!
posted by doornoise at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I got really ill on Friday evening: temperature, body aches, joint pain, swollen glands, the works. Spent yesterday shivering and sweating it out, then today I think I shat my own body weight in liquid, excuse the graphic phrasing.
I tend to think that our bodies do store up unprocessed feelings, so choosing to think of it as a metaphorical as well as literal purge. Onwards and upwards!
posted by doornoise at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
b. Because she is a petty, immature person; and by greeting her with icy politeness and then becoming abruptly very interested in something across the room.
c. Remember who the poor kid is saddled with as parents. Also, therapy.
It seems like these moderately messy interpersonal dust-ups are causing you an undue amount of anguish and distress. I really do think therapy could help you because these jerks sound much, much too unpleasant for you to be crying, drinking and using drugs over. Take care.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:41 PM on April 25, 2018 [5 favorites]