How do I know what healthy *feels* like?

April 24, 2018 6:46 PM

In my whole adult life, I've never had a romantic relationship that felt healthy. By healthy, I mean, where I felt secure and calm. Instead, all my relationships have consistently had this anxious (me)/avoidant (them) dynamic. I don't know what healthy looks or really even feels like. Any resources/advice appreciated.

I haven't been in a serious relationship for the last four years.

I recently stopped seeing someone after a month because I had a strong instinct that something wasn't right. I waited it out and went on a few more dates, but after the dates had ended, I was left with an increasingly strong disconnected feeling (I didn't feel like we connected) and felt like I had been lying the whole time (I hadn't been, but it was just this sense that my actions weren't really adding up to how I actually felt about him).

But on paper, he was 'good.' He was always on time or early, he was affectionate, he was clear that he liked me, he was consistent... all these things were firsts for me. And they are things that I have identified now that I clearly want and want to prioritize in my relationships.

And now, I guess, I feel worried and like I can't or don't know how to trust my own instincts. Was I wrong about this guy? He had a lot of the qualities that I'm looking for but for the last few dates, I just didn't feel good after we saw each other.

Any advice or resources would be great.

posted by Ocellar to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Nothing is wrong. He passed your bare minimum requirements but didn’t have enough oomph to land another interview.

Your compass sounds calibrated correctly.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:51 PM on April 24, 2018 [10 favorites]

Read this: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love This book is EXACTLY what you want for this, down to clarifying what healthy looks like.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:53 PM on April 24, 2018 [6 favorites]

Unfortunately common "advice" red-flags anxious attachment styles and labels avoidant ones as "healthy." Navigating these social beliefs with success will make it a lot more difficult to find a healthy relationship, but it's not impossible.
posted by OnefortheLast at 7:05 PM on April 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: To me, a healthy relationship is one that generally (say, 90% of the time) brings me joy and security and pleasure and leaves me feeling strong and able to go about my business without obsessing about the relationship. It's like comfortable shoes- I don't have to think about my shoes or how far I'm about to walk because the shoes are doing their job of protecting my feet comfortably. And when I look down at my feet, I'm proud of my good choice in buying these particular shoes- they fit, look good, cost an appropriate amount, and fit into my life properly.

Once in a while there's a problem or conflict, but even as the conflict siphons some of my attention, I can still function because I know we care about each other enough to work it out fairly and respectfully and in an appropriate time frame (so like, we can defer an argument til tomorrow night if someone needs extra sleep to prep for tomorrow or whatever). Good relationships don't explode when conflict arises.

A bad relationship is like uncomfortable shoes. I spend too much time (too much to me is anything more than about 20 minutes in a normal a week) worrying about it, decoding it, cataloguing it. What did they mean, why did they say that, how dare they, ouch that hurt, what are they thinking now, why aren't they texting. Wondering what they think because I feel too vulnerable to just ask. Bad relationships suck my brain away from my real work and make me feel spirally and torn and out of control. Bad relationships need to be obsessed over NOW, but it's never productive, just overdramatic. If I'm rereading their texts, messages, or social media posts more than once to try to glean hidden meanings, it's probably a bad relationship.

This Ask Polly question about The House of Mirrors is an excellent description of an unhealthy dynamic I see a lot, even if it's not always this extreme.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:07 PM on April 24, 2018 [55 favorites]

Walking side by side into the future together. Not pushing, not being pushed. Not carrying, or being carried. Sharing the responsibility for where to go and how to get there. And smiling on the way.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:14 PM on April 24, 2018 [10 favorites]

I get really weird in relationships, especially the early stages, and I have a history of missing red flags, which always makes me question my judgement. I found out that it is easier for me to really get the the heart of how I feel about someone when I compare the feeling of preparing to see them with getting ready to go to work. Is it like the jobs I've had where I am genuinely excited to go in because I know it's going to be a great day and I would even do this kind of work for free? Or is it like the jobs that are just terrible and I am just in it for the paycheck? Those are feelings I can easily remember and recognize. When I start feeling like I am on the clock while with someone, I know that it is not good or healthy, and it's time to end it.
posted by August Fury at 8:24 PM on April 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

What has helped me understand what a healthy relationship feels like is knowing what a healthy me feels like. This was made possible through building a relationship with a great therapist and exploring my past to see how it's affected my present, understanding my strengths, and recognizing what I want and need. I know it's common for people on MetaFilter to recommend therapy but that's with good reason! I think you were wise to listen to your gut with the guy you describe here. There are lots of people who look good on paper but are not actually a good match for us in reality. Since you are still asking this question now, I think it'd be perfect timing to see a therapist to work through it together. That said, being single for four years is not a bad sign: if anything, it's a good one because you are being cautious and not jumping into a relationship that's a bad match for reasons hidden or apparent.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:34 PM on April 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Coming from another anxious-attachment person here, I've dated a few healthy people for short periods of time(ultimately ended up incompatible but some went on to be friendly acquaintances), but have only had unhealthy relationships. In hindsight, for me, the only discernable difference in the early days when you don't know the person enough to tell, was the small difference between being excited to see them/get together with them and being anxious about seeing them/getting together with them. It's hard to tell the difference either way when you're feeling anxious/nervous, and they're both gut feelings, but one is more of a positive feeling that brings a lot of productive energy to myself and life, it's not one of where my anxiety shuts down my ability to function or focus on other areas of my life, where the other feeling is a lot more all-encompassing and one where I find myself only wanting to see the person so that I can try to get comfortable enough around/with them to make that feeling go away as fast as possible.
posted by OnefortheLast at 1:55 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

One of the things that I've been doing lately to gain more knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like is reading the work of John and Julie Gottman, who are marriage/relationship researchers who have also been married to one another a very long time. There are a lot of really wonderful nuggets of wisdom in their work and I feel like it's made a change in the way I think about my relationship with my partner.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:15 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]