How do you distinguish PMS symptoms from "real" emotions?
March 22, 2018 12:33 AM Subscribe
I've become more cognizant the past couple of years that I am moodier before my period, and moods often break almost as soon as my period comes. I feel like this should be useful information to have to gain perspective/objectivity in relation to whatever I'm being moody about but am having a hard time figuring out how to apply that concept in practice.
I don't really get many adverse period symptoms in general (aside from the annoyance of having a period, ha) and the moodiness was subtle enough that it's only dawned on me that it's a thing the past couple of years. The closer attention I pay to this, the more I think it actually is a trend, though. I feel like crying, I feel anxious about things more so than usual... then at other points in the month I actually feel good and like a strong person who can handle things in general. Not that I never get moody or upset otherwise outside of the period period. I always thought I was just kind of an anxious, moody person who sometimes tended towards irritability and occasional bouts of depression in fact.
My question is - how do you tell the difference between period symptoms and "real" emotions or feelings about situations in your life? For instance, the past week or so my opinion on whether I want to make a significant career change has kind of done a 180, after an interview I had last week. But I don't know if my feelings towards that are actual real concerns (though I'd thought these concerns through previously and decided that other aspects of the decision trumped them) or if maybe the fact that I am coming up on my period (along with some other contextual factors) sort of heightens the concerns I had and if I make a decision now it won't really be a rational one...
That's just an example, but I guess the overall thought is that armed with the knowledge that a lot of the time certain emotions will abate upon beginning of my period, I feel like I should be able to gain some distance to them. Watch a sad movie and cry for a few nights and then move on. But I don't find myself being able to do this 100% and wonder whether there is not still some validity to them. Thoughts? Obviously especially from women having the same experience would be useful.
I don't really get many adverse period symptoms in general (aside from the annoyance of having a period, ha) and the moodiness was subtle enough that it's only dawned on me that it's a thing the past couple of years. The closer attention I pay to this, the more I think it actually is a trend, though. I feel like crying, I feel anxious about things more so than usual... then at other points in the month I actually feel good and like a strong person who can handle things in general. Not that I never get moody or upset otherwise outside of the period period. I always thought I was just kind of an anxious, moody person who sometimes tended towards irritability and occasional bouts of depression in fact.
My question is - how do you tell the difference between period symptoms and "real" emotions or feelings about situations in your life? For instance, the past week or so my opinion on whether I want to make a significant career change has kind of done a 180, after an interview I had last week. But I don't know if my feelings towards that are actual real concerns (though I'd thought these concerns through previously and decided that other aspects of the decision trumped them) or if maybe the fact that I am coming up on my period (along with some other contextual factors) sort of heightens the concerns I had and if I make a decision now it won't really be a rational one...
That's just an example, but I guess the overall thought is that armed with the knowledge that a lot of the time certain emotions will abate upon beginning of my period, I feel like I should be able to gain some distance to them. Watch a sad movie and cry for a few nights and then move on. But I don't find myself being able to do this 100% and wonder whether there is not still some validity to them. Thoughts? Obviously especially from women having the same experience would be useful.
For me it's usually noticing that I'm having a reaction way out of proportion to what's happened, typically crying e.g. over a cleaning product commercial. (But it's so sweet how she's spending time with her kids now and they're so happy to seeeeee her!)
I think part of it is a habit of self-observation to say, this feeling I'm having, is it due to the event that just happened or is it just kind of a feeling that's there? This also helps for identifying depression, anxiety, etc - sometimes I can tell that my mind is hunting for something to really dig in on and critique.
On the other hand you might also consider whether some of your PMS emotions should be taken seriously. There's an old saying that every big decision should be thought over both drunk and sober, and I know the strength of my PMS feelings is definitely tied to what other stresses I'm experiencing. Having your feelings on amplification may be helpful to you for being able to see them at all, if you usually find yourself reasoning them away.
posted by Lady Li at 12:53 AM on March 22, 2018 [22 favorites]
I think part of it is a habit of self-observation to say, this feeling I'm having, is it due to the event that just happened or is it just kind of a feeling that's there? This also helps for identifying depression, anxiety, etc - sometimes I can tell that my mind is hunting for something to really dig in on and critique.
On the other hand you might also consider whether some of your PMS emotions should be taken seriously. There's an old saying that every big decision should be thought over both drunk and sober, and I know the strength of my PMS feelings is definitely tied to what other stresses I'm experiencing. Having your feelings on amplification may be helpful to you for being able to see them at all, if you usually find yourself reasoning them away.
posted by Lady Li at 12:53 AM on March 22, 2018 [22 favorites]
Could you try flipping your thinking about this and try accepting all your emotions as real and permissible? They will pass. Perhaps you might have times of the month when you put a pin in big decisions, but trying to disentangle 'real' and 'unreal' emotions might be quite exhausting.
posted by Heloise9 at 12:55 AM on March 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by Heloise9 at 12:55 AM on March 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
PMS emotions are 100% real. PMS doesn't manufacture fake emotions, it just turns up the volume on your existing, totally-justified emotions. I suggest you reframe PMS to see it as a valuable gift from your subconscious. Take careful note of the things you react to during PMS moments- because they're the same things you've been socialized to politely repress & unfairly tolerate during the rest of the month, and they probably need attention.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:03 AM on March 22, 2018 [67 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:03 AM on March 22, 2018 [67 favorites]
Response by poster: Touché! thanks all already... thinking over all decisions both drunk and sober.. I like it!
More thoughts welcome please :)
posted by knownfossils at 1:06 AM on March 22, 2018
More thoughts welcome please :)
posted by knownfossils at 1:06 AM on March 22, 2018
It’s also worth noting that some birth control pills can exacerbate cyclic moodiness. If you are taking hormonal birth control, you might consider trying a different formulation.
As for your emotions, I agree that they are all yours and all real, but personally I find it helpful to class some emotional responses as “not helpful right now”. I have a Mirena so no period-related swings, but I am terribly aggressive when hungry. So I don’t make decisions hungry and make sure to have food around etc. Perhaps you can do something similar— do some self care for the relevant week, move stressful events or decisions to other times, etc.
posted by nat at 1:12 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
As for your emotions, I agree that they are all yours and all real, but personally I find it helpful to class some emotional responses as “not helpful right now”. I have a Mirena so no period-related swings, but I am terribly aggressive when hungry. So I don’t make decisions hungry and make sure to have food around etc. Perhaps you can do something similar— do some self care for the relevant week, move stressful events or decisions to other times, etc.
posted by nat at 1:12 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Agreed PMS emotions are real and valid and mostly tend to ampliphy what I'm already feeling. I have endometriosis (and chronic illness) so on top of those emotional fluctuations I get horrific symptoms which really put me on edge.
I track my period and I know I'm feeling extra anxious or extra pissy I just try to keep calm and put it in the open. So instead of yelling "OH MY FUCKING GOD COULD YOU CHEW ANY FUCKING LOUDER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" to my husband I say, "Hey, can you stop for a second? I need to turn the TV on because I'm really irritable and the chewing sound is grossing me out."
And other times I have a good sob session on the sofa and I feel better. I just try to take a step back and say, "Why am I feeling this way? What can I do about it? Is this a legitimate issue or is it my emotions amplifying it?"
(And yes, birth control gave me severe mood swings on one type, then YEARS into taking another one I developed severe depression. My moods are more stable without BC though I get irritable, anxious, or depressed around my cycle.)
posted by Crystalinne at 1:18 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I track my period and I know I'm feeling extra anxious or extra pissy I just try to keep calm and put it in the open. So instead of yelling "OH MY FUCKING GOD COULD YOU CHEW ANY FUCKING LOUDER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" to my husband I say, "Hey, can you stop for a second? I need to turn the TV on because I'm really irritable and the chewing sound is grossing me out."
And other times I have a good sob session on the sofa and I feel better. I just try to take a step back and say, "Why am I feeling this way? What can I do about it? Is this a legitimate issue or is it my emotions amplifying it?"
(And yes, birth control gave me severe mood swings on one type, then YEARS into taking another one I developed severe depression. My moods are more stable without BC though I get irritable, anxious, or depressed around my cycle.)
posted by Crystalinne at 1:18 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
PMS emotions are 100% real. PMS doesn't manufacture fake emotions, it just turns up the volume on your existing, totally-justified emotions.
I mean, this is no doubt true for some people, and maybe true for me most of the time, but I have totally found myself just before my period experiencing extreme rage at... broccoli. No real reason. I just felt like it shouldn't exist.
I try not to make any important decisions the week before my period. I have it marked in my calendar for that reason. With that rule it doesn't matter so much whether I can identify the cause of a specific emotion or not.
posted by lollusc at 1:43 AM on March 22, 2018 [20 favorites]
I mean, this is no doubt true for some people, and maybe true for me most of the time, but I have totally found myself just before my period experiencing extreme rage at... broccoli. No real reason. I just felt like it shouldn't exist.
I try not to make any important decisions the week before my period. I have it marked in my calendar for that reason. With that rule it doesn't matter so much whether I can identify the cause of a specific emotion or not.
posted by lollusc at 1:43 AM on March 22, 2018 [20 favorites]
Tracking my cycle (clue is what I use) helps me twig that I have heightened emotions.
posted by freethefeet at 1:55 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by freethefeet at 1:55 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Also agree that while PMS emotions are real, I also tend to overreact over silly things, like sobbing over a slightly torn bit of paper. The magnitude of the reaction plus the pointlessness of the trigger usually gets me counting dates in my calendar.
The rest of the month I overreact about more important things.
posted by kitten magic at 3:53 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
The rest of the month I overreact about more important things.
posted by kitten magic at 3:53 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Maybe it’s not useful to apply a real/not-real dichotomy to emotions. Maybe your hormonal shifts are shortening emotional fuses that were already on the short side, or maybe they’re throwing you total curveballs. My brain occasionally blindsides me with sad-for-no-reason days (these tend to happen right after my period, I dunno).
It helps me to take a mental survey when I notice myself in a bad mood: What am I feeling? How long have I felt this? What is contributing to this mood? Do I think I’ll feel better tomorrow? What can I do now to help it? This has helped me identify larger causes of crap moods (excess stress, poor sleep, terrible weather, hormonal weirdness) in addition to more immediate triggers (e.g. the workday sucked, a stranger yelled at me on the train), as well as moods are just random dark clouds passing through my brain.
Cycle trackers are helpful and neat and the newfangled apps will predict future cycles (I also use Clue and it’s pretty quick to fill out each day), but you can also just use a regular calendar.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:05 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
It helps me to take a mental survey when I notice myself in a bad mood: What am I feeling? How long have I felt this? What is contributing to this mood? Do I think I’ll feel better tomorrow? What can I do now to help it? This has helped me identify larger causes of crap moods (excess stress, poor sleep, terrible weather, hormonal weirdness) in addition to more immediate triggers (e.g. the workday sucked, a stranger yelled at me on the train), as well as moods are just random dark clouds passing through my brain.
Cycle trackers are helpful and neat and the newfangled apps will predict future cycles (I also use Clue and it’s pretty quick to fill out each day), but you can also just use a regular calendar.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:05 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
The emotions are real and important, even if they feel exaggerated in the moment for your normal temperament; you can teach yourself not to react to them immediately. Experience them, note the immediate cause, wait a week, then think about them and at that time you may see where they came from and what's going on in your life that makes you rage at broccoli. With the distance, you can usually make some sense of it that will help you next month.
posted by Gnella at 4:38 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Gnella at 4:38 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
how do you tell the difference between period symptoms and "real" emotions or feelings about situations in your life?
Joining the chorus that there's no such thing as an unreal emotion. Emotions are what they are; the way you feel is always real.
This is not to say that there's no such thing as an unhelpful emotion, or an exaggerated or inappropriate emotional response. I'm the wrong sex for PMS proper, but assorted kinds of stress have had me spending days reacting emotionally to various circumstances in ways that would read like textbook descriptions of it.
I've learned to recognize that kind of state and put off making highly consequential decisions while in it, because experience has taught me that I end up regretting those decisions more often than not. I've also learned to pause before I speak and remind myself that spitting poison at people around me doesn't help anybody. At 56 years old, I have been practising that for long enough that I'm now quite competent at it, and you'd have to know me pretty well to spot the signs that say I'm actually in volcano mode underneath.
But the feelings are still there, and still real, regardless of how ridiculously intense and how ridiculously distracting they are and regardless of how much I wish they would just calm the fuck down and go away.
posted by flabdablet at 4:53 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Joining the chorus that there's no such thing as an unreal emotion. Emotions are what they are; the way you feel is always real.
This is not to say that there's no such thing as an unhelpful emotion, or an exaggerated or inappropriate emotional response. I'm the wrong sex for PMS proper, but assorted kinds of stress have had me spending days reacting emotionally to various circumstances in ways that would read like textbook descriptions of it.
I've learned to recognize that kind of state and put off making highly consequential decisions while in it, because experience has taught me that I end up regretting those decisions more often than not. I've also learned to pause before I speak and remind myself that spitting poison at people around me doesn't help anybody. At 56 years old, I have been practising that for long enough that I'm now quite competent at it, and you'd have to know me pretty well to spot the signs that say I'm actually in volcano mode underneath.
But the feelings are still there, and still real, regardless of how ridiculously intense and how ridiculously distracting they are and regardless of how much I wish they would just calm the fuck down and go away.
posted by flabdablet at 4:53 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I'm another person who can rage at bunnies when I'm PMSing, or find myself actively contemplating running off to the desert and abandoning everyone I love. And while those are real emotions and were worth paying attention to, I also found them Troubling, because maybe I'd been All Wrong to think bunnies were cute my whole life, y'no?
The thing that has helped me the most is a little monthly google calendar reminder that just says, "feeling grumpy?". It helps me to realize that, oh, right, this is the time of the month where I might suddenly want to quit my good job, and I should be extra kind to myself. It helps me to take a step back and remind myself to maybe hold off on that road trip to the desert for at least a couple of days, and just check back in with myself a few days later.
PS - there's a great poem I read a long time ago where a woman feared that her PMS brain was the one that was "right", and maybe she really couldn't stand her husband, children, home, city, dog, etc. It was a relief to read.
posted by ldthomps at 7:08 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
The thing that has helped me the most is a little monthly google calendar reminder that just says, "feeling grumpy?". It helps me to realize that, oh, right, this is the time of the month where I might suddenly want to quit my good job, and I should be extra kind to myself. It helps me to take a step back and remind myself to maybe hold off on that road trip to the desert for at least a couple of days, and just check back in with myself a few days later.
PS - there's a great poem I read a long time ago where a woman feared that her PMS brain was the one that was "right", and maybe she really couldn't stand her husband, children, home, city, dog, etc. It was a relief to read.
posted by ldthomps at 7:08 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have found that I tend to feel more overwhelmed by daily things during that pms week. If you're feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a new job it's likely because your mind is racing in many directions compounded by the general moodiness/emotionality/anxiety, and it may not mean you'll be unhappy in the new job, it's just that new job is a lot of extra things to think about and a degree of uncertainty even if you weren't having pms symptoms.
Once my period starts and I start to feel better the same things don't stress me out as much, it doesn't make the things bothering me less true I just know I have the resources to handle all the things a few days later. What I do is try to notice and rein in all of the little thoughts/stressors in my mind, I will write lists and then ask if it's really something I need to focus on RIGHT THIS MOMENT, or if it can wait a few days. Sometimes I look back at my lists and can see that I was placing too much importance on small things.
I've also found I get angry more easily during that time, and yeah, it's usually valid, but my reaction is turned way up. Like my brain is overreading the reasons to be angry and under-focusing on all of the good things. I am a fan of watching a high emotion series or film during this time to help release some of the negative emotions that are brought up, or journaling, because I do think it is a chance to reflect, but I am wary of taking action when I'm in that place.
posted by lafemma at 7:32 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Once my period starts and I start to feel better the same things don't stress me out as much, it doesn't make the things bothering me less true I just know I have the resources to handle all the things a few days later. What I do is try to notice and rein in all of the little thoughts/stressors in my mind, I will write lists and then ask if it's really something I need to focus on RIGHT THIS MOMENT, or if it can wait a few days. Sometimes I look back at my lists and can see that I was placing too much importance on small things.
I've also found I get angry more easily during that time, and yeah, it's usually valid, but my reaction is turned way up. Like my brain is overreading the reasons to be angry and under-focusing on all of the good things. I am a fan of watching a high emotion series or film during this time to help release some of the negative emotions that are brought up, or journaling, because I do think it is a chance to reflect, but I am wary of taking action when I'm in that place.
posted by lafemma at 7:32 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
There was this slightly tangential other question a few days about regulating your emotions that had some interesting replies about the difference between your feelings and your behavioral response to those feelings.
Like a lot of other people, I track my cycle (Clue) and a little "PEAK RAAAAAGE" notification pops up at the appropriate times. Recognizing what's happening makes it a lot easier to take a step back when I find myself getting worked up. Gonna be honest though, sometimes I deliberately schedule difficult calls (when I know I need to be pushier than usual) for that week.
posted by yeahlikethat at 7:33 AM on March 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
Like a lot of other people, I track my cycle (Clue) and a little "PEAK RAAAAAGE" notification pops up at the appropriate times. Recognizing what's happening makes it a lot easier to take a step back when I find myself getting worked up. Gonna be honest though, sometimes I deliberately schedule difficult calls (when I know I need to be pushier than usual) for that week.
posted by yeahlikethat at 7:33 AM on March 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
sometimes I deliberately schedule difficult calls (when I know I need to be pushier than usual) for that week.
This is a really good point. Anger is indeed an energy, and if skilfully channelled it can get a hell of a lot of good work done in not much time.
posted by flabdablet at 8:02 AM on March 22, 2018
This is a really good point. Anger is indeed an energy, and if skilfully channelled it can get a hell of a lot of good work done in not much time.
posted by flabdablet at 8:02 AM on March 22, 2018
Also I think you could just as easily make the argument that all emotions are "fake".
Your feelings lie to you all the time. Sometimes it's your lizard brain firing off to vestigial threats. Sometimes it's imbalanced neurotransmitters or hormonal swings. There are definitely people who would say that antidepressants make you artificially happy. And sometimes your blood sugar drops and you're just HANGRY.
You still feel all the feels regardless of the source, but again it's recognizing there are lots of things factoring into the emotional response that helps me figure out the appropriate behavioral response.
posted by yeahlikethat at 8:28 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Your feelings lie to you all the time. Sometimes it's your lizard brain firing off to vestigial threats. Sometimes it's imbalanced neurotransmitters or hormonal swings. There are definitely people who would say that antidepressants make you artificially happy. And sometimes your blood sugar drops and you're just HANGRY.
You still feel all the feels regardless of the source, but again it's recognizing there are lots of things factoring into the emotional response that helps me figure out the appropriate behavioral response.
posted by yeahlikethat at 8:28 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Recognize that all your emotions are real, and all your emotions are the result of fluctuating chemicals inside you. The more you validate your emotions the less you will need to react to external things as being the cause of them. Let's say that you are in a state of rage: you don't need to look for something to be in a state of rage at: broccoli, the sound of your husband chewing, the patriarchal corporate society that enslaves us all. Rage is a useful and necessary emotion. You may very well always be threatened and angry because of the patriarchal corporate society and have a low level simmer going on all the time, but when those chemicals fluctuate you will be more so.
Many things other than PMS create real emotions - hunger, being half awake, being in pain, struggling to breathe - all of those create rage in different people. So the first thing to do with an emotion is to look for the physiological cause of the strength of the emotion. If you are in a rage because you can't breathe - the symptom is called "irritability" when listed on a medical check list - you may hate the sound of your husband chewing. But rather than turning the TV on to drown out the sound of him chewing you need to look after your breathing and take a decongestant or use a puffer.
Once you step back and examine how much of it is being short of sleep, how much of it is having trouble breathing, and how much of it is in reaction to the patriarchal corporate society you get a handle on it. And if you think about these things, you may come to the conclusion that your husband is eating biscuits that you made, and he never makes biscuits, and you are a lot more discontented with the division of labour in your marriage that you had realised which may actually be the reason you have this constant low level simmer about the patriarchy, because you are living it in your own home.
The important thing to realise is that you are the only one who can understand your emotions and do things with them to change them. You can't hope for or demand other people do things to change your emotional state. Emotional regulation will bring you more happiness than almost anything else in the world.
It can be hard not to act on your strong emotions, right now and excessively. If someone cuts you off in traffic and nearly kills you, you're going to want to beat the stuffing out of him, and will likely drop a curse word or three. Trying to act like your heart rate is galloping at three times normal speed is not the right thing to do. It's always counter productive to either pretend not to be having an emotion, or to try to stop having that emotion by force of will. If you do that your cortisol levels will go through the roof and it will be serious wear and tear on your body. And that includes stifling your positive emotions too. It will also raise your cortisol levels because not singing when you want to sing, and not dancing when you want to dance is still stress - it's telling yourself you are in too much danger to feel positive things.
So then you need to find positive and immediate ways to experience your current emotion - and the difficulty with that is that generally the emotions reach boil-over point at inconvenient times, like when you are at work, or in traffic, or dealing with someone else who you have made a commitment to.
But you can delay reacting openly to an emotion. Your mental track is likely to be "OMG, I almost DIED! I am in a towering rage!He did that without even looking!" But instead of going to a mental rage track silently, you start by labeling the emotion and affirming it. It may be that if you do that you will realise that you have other emotions too - for example in the case of the traffic situation you may realise that you are also frightened, and it is easier to be angry than frightened, because if you are angry about how other people drive then you can discount the emotion as a one-time occurrence, whereas if you recognize that you are frightened you may need to think about a different way of getting to work instead of endangering your life every morning.
With PMS (and some other situations) your emotions tend to jag upward into something that resembles desperation. It helps to make yourself a rule that you will not act on the emotion in any life changing or socially visible ways until the situation triggering it has passed and you are no longer PMS'ing. Of course the desperate emotion often demands that you do something right now!!! This is where it is so important to recognize that you may not have felt this way previously, and admit that as evidence that you will probably not feel this way in the near future.
Likely there are patterns in your PMS'ing and other emotions, or you wouldn't be asking this question. It helps to write down the pattern: "Normally contented in my job, like my co-workers. But when I PMS I feel like I am trapped in a job that doesn't pay enough." You want to have enough understanding of the cycles of strong feeling that you don't blurt, "I hate this job and am looking for another that pays me real wages!!" at your boss. You are not only allowed, but encouraged to be aware of feeling those things - and writing them down privately, or venting to someone trusted and close. But you also have be become aware of how much those feelings ebb later.
That's because your feelings may not ebb. You may hate your job and desperately want one that pays you more, but when you are not PMS-ing there is more fear and guilt, so you don't want to risk destabilizing the household finances by finding a different job. It may be that the PMS makes you think about something you are too scared to think about the rest of the time.
At which point you can look at the root problem: fear and examine what you are afraid of. This can give you insights, so that for example, you don't take a new job that pays more, you take one that pays less, but has a kick-ass medical plan.
Alternatively you may discover that it's not fear, but contempt for your co-workers, but you feel too much guilt to admit that you think they are so much stupider than you are; your search for other emotions will lead you to discover you have a desire for recognition going on behind the scenes, much stronger than you were aware of. You may actually be a perfect fit for you job, but you need to get an outside hobby where you can excel and get recognition.
Those strong emotions during PMS can be a tool - a guiding light to let you look at what your emotions are when they are turned up to their brightest. Examining the contrast between what you feel on PMS and what you feel not on PMS helps you find insight to what is important to you. Write down what you feel during both times. Look for a variety of words so you can find the nuance of the emotions. That's because nuance words help you discover the range of your emotions. If the only word you write is angry, it won't give you insight that perhaps you are feeling self-righteous or bereft, or glee or disgust. The secondary emotions often help create the primary emotion.
PMS can be physically terribly uncomfortable. So keep in mind that anything you can do physically to relieve the symptoms of PMS can be a help. Exercise is the first thing I would recommend for that - at whatever level of fitness you have, find something you can do vigorously for an hour and do it - and then think about the emotions you are having after you are exhausted and the biggest part of the cortisol is burned off. Additionally, you can try increasing your omega 3 intake - female hormones are regulated in part by the amount of fat in your body and the type of fat. Omega 3 is the right type. More omega 3 could make the mood swings less jagged. And finally getting additional sleep and avoiding caffeine are both good things to do - Both will help reduce the intensity of the emotions so you get a better handle on them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:32 AM on March 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
Many things other than PMS create real emotions - hunger, being half awake, being in pain, struggling to breathe - all of those create rage in different people. So the first thing to do with an emotion is to look for the physiological cause of the strength of the emotion. If you are in a rage because you can't breathe - the symptom is called "irritability" when listed on a medical check list - you may hate the sound of your husband chewing. But rather than turning the TV on to drown out the sound of him chewing you need to look after your breathing and take a decongestant or use a puffer.
Once you step back and examine how much of it is being short of sleep, how much of it is having trouble breathing, and how much of it is in reaction to the patriarchal corporate society you get a handle on it. And if you think about these things, you may come to the conclusion that your husband is eating biscuits that you made, and he never makes biscuits, and you are a lot more discontented with the division of labour in your marriage that you had realised which may actually be the reason you have this constant low level simmer about the patriarchy, because you are living it in your own home.
The important thing to realise is that you are the only one who can understand your emotions and do things with them to change them. You can't hope for or demand other people do things to change your emotional state. Emotional regulation will bring you more happiness than almost anything else in the world.
It can be hard not to act on your strong emotions, right now and excessively. If someone cuts you off in traffic and nearly kills you, you're going to want to beat the stuffing out of him, and will likely drop a curse word or three. Trying to act like your heart rate is galloping at three times normal speed is not the right thing to do. It's always counter productive to either pretend not to be having an emotion, or to try to stop having that emotion by force of will. If you do that your cortisol levels will go through the roof and it will be serious wear and tear on your body. And that includes stifling your positive emotions too. It will also raise your cortisol levels because not singing when you want to sing, and not dancing when you want to dance is still stress - it's telling yourself you are in too much danger to feel positive things.
So then you need to find positive and immediate ways to experience your current emotion - and the difficulty with that is that generally the emotions reach boil-over point at inconvenient times, like when you are at work, or in traffic, or dealing with someone else who you have made a commitment to.
But you can delay reacting openly to an emotion. Your mental track is likely to be "OMG, I almost DIED! I am in a towering rage!He did that without even looking!" But instead of going to a mental rage track silently, you start by labeling the emotion and affirming it. It may be that if you do that you will realise that you have other emotions too - for example in the case of the traffic situation you may realise that you are also frightened, and it is easier to be angry than frightened, because if you are angry about how other people drive then you can discount the emotion as a one-time occurrence, whereas if you recognize that you are frightened you may need to think about a different way of getting to work instead of endangering your life every morning.
With PMS (and some other situations) your emotions tend to jag upward into something that resembles desperation. It helps to make yourself a rule that you will not act on the emotion in any life changing or socially visible ways until the situation triggering it has passed and you are no longer PMS'ing. Of course the desperate emotion often demands that you do something right now!!! This is where it is so important to recognize that you may not have felt this way previously, and admit that as evidence that you will probably not feel this way in the near future.
Likely there are patterns in your PMS'ing and other emotions, or you wouldn't be asking this question. It helps to write down the pattern: "Normally contented in my job, like my co-workers. But when I PMS I feel like I am trapped in a job that doesn't pay enough." You want to have enough understanding of the cycles of strong feeling that you don't blurt, "I hate this job and am looking for another that pays me real wages!!" at your boss. You are not only allowed, but encouraged to be aware of feeling those things - and writing them down privately, or venting to someone trusted and close. But you also have be become aware of how much those feelings ebb later.
That's because your feelings may not ebb. You may hate your job and desperately want one that pays you more, but when you are not PMS-ing there is more fear and guilt, so you don't want to risk destabilizing the household finances by finding a different job. It may be that the PMS makes you think about something you are too scared to think about the rest of the time.
At which point you can look at the root problem: fear and examine what you are afraid of. This can give you insights, so that for example, you don't take a new job that pays more, you take one that pays less, but has a kick-ass medical plan.
Alternatively you may discover that it's not fear, but contempt for your co-workers, but you feel too much guilt to admit that you think they are so much stupider than you are; your search for other emotions will lead you to discover you have a desire for recognition going on behind the scenes, much stronger than you were aware of. You may actually be a perfect fit for you job, but you need to get an outside hobby where you can excel and get recognition.
Those strong emotions during PMS can be a tool - a guiding light to let you look at what your emotions are when they are turned up to their brightest. Examining the contrast between what you feel on PMS and what you feel not on PMS helps you find insight to what is important to you. Write down what you feel during both times. Look for a variety of words so you can find the nuance of the emotions. That's because nuance words help you discover the range of your emotions. If the only word you write is angry, it won't give you insight that perhaps you are feeling self-righteous or bereft, or glee or disgust. The secondary emotions often help create the primary emotion.
PMS can be physically terribly uncomfortable. So keep in mind that anything you can do physically to relieve the symptoms of PMS can be a help. Exercise is the first thing I would recommend for that - at whatever level of fitness you have, find something you can do vigorously for an hour and do it - and then think about the emotions you are having after you are exhausted and the biggest part of the cortisol is burned off. Additionally, you can try increasing your omega 3 intake - female hormones are regulated in part by the amount of fat in your body and the type of fat. Omega 3 is the right type. More omega 3 could make the mood swings less jagged. And finally getting additional sleep and avoiding caffeine are both good things to do - Both will help reduce the intensity of the emotions so you get a better handle on them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:32 AM on March 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
Oh my lord, do I have this. It's absolutely ridiculous what an impact PMS has on my mood. Over the years I've learned to recognize it, and now, when I have an emotional response that really is out of line with whatever the trigger is, I immediately check the calendar to see when I last had my period.
I actually find it a huge relief to know that it's not ME, it's my hormones, and it will go away soon with no action from me. Took me a while to figure it out, though.
posted by widdershins at 10:57 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
I actually find it a huge relief to know that it's not ME, it's my hormones, and it will go away soon with no action from me. Took me a while to figure it out, though.
posted by widdershins at 10:57 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Have you done any mindfulness meditation? It can teach you to observe your emotions at any time and separate the feelings from your reactions to and stories about the feelings.
posted by matildaben at 7:57 PM on March 22, 2018
posted by matildaben at 7:57 PM on March 22, 2018
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posted by yueliang at 12:35 AM on March 22, 2018