Why do men keep texting when we're no longer going on dates?

March 14, 2018 1:06 AM

Why do men keep texting when we're no longer going on dates?

My friends and I encounter this situation so often:

- Go on a few dates with a guy
- Guy doesn't ask for another date
- Guy continues texting once in a while for weeks or months, never mentioning wanting to meet up

Why do they do this? Is it to keep us on the hook as a backup option in case they don't find anyone they like better, or in case the person they like better doesn't work out? If they're indeed stringing us along, is it a deliberate thing?

posted by sunflower16 to Human Relations (39 answers total)

They want free emotional labour.
posted by taff at 1:18 AM on March 14, 2018 [46 favorites]

Hoping you’ll express an interest in meeting up?
posted by thejoshu at 1:21 AM on March 14, 2018 [5 favorites]

You can probably only find that out if you ask them.
posted by barracuda at 1:37 AM on March 14, 2018 [11 favorites]

They don't want to date you but they don't want to say so and be the bad guy, so their texts are the equivalent of, "Hey, we're still cool, right?"
posted by adiabat at 2:30 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

Is it to keep us on the hook as a backup option in case they don't find anyone they like better, or in case the person they like better doesn't work out? If they're indeed stringing us along, is it a deliberate thing?

Yes.
posted by Melismata at 2:32 AM on March 14, 2018 [32 favorites]

I don't know why these guys are doing this but I do know why the guys I have known who do this do this. They'll date around and then when they find someone who is "girlfriend material" (blech) they stop contact with all current dating partners briefly. Then, when they get bored or that person doesn't work out, they get back in contact with the women who they'd previously dated briefly. Repeat process ad nauseam. Sometimes they're just looking for a hook up but they're not going to say that outright or they'll look like a creep and one day you might be desperate enough to hook up with them again, so they don't want to burn that bridge. The other thing is they are doing this to lots of women, so the fact that these guys aren't asking you and your friends out doesn't mean anything. They're testing the waters/keeping you on the hook and if one of you asked them to meet up, I bet they'd do it.

I think it's absolutely deliberate but I've never known a guy who did this to admit to doing it deliberately. I've seen guys do this for years--after every relationship they just go through all their dating contacts again just to remind these women that they exist and, in their tiny minds, "keep their options open".
posted by Polychrome at 2:35 AM on March 14, 2018 [34 favorites]

Response by poster: It's true that the only way to really know would be to ask - but that assumes they'd be honest.

I did ask the last guy who did this to me. We went on four dates in reasonably rapid succession, then he stopped texting, I tried initiating text conversations a couple of times the week after I saw him last and he replied but the conversations never went anywhere because he'd eventually stop replying after a while. He mentioned wanting to see me again but only said "soon" and didn't try to find a specific day we were both free. So I took a hint and mentally moved on.

Since then, he's texted me roughly once a week, but when I reply he doesn't continue the conversation.

Example convo:
Him: "How's your Friday?"
Me: "Great, [blah blah a bit of detail], how are you doing?"
Him: [crickets]

When he texted me this last time it had been a month since I'd seen him. I asked him point-blank why he was still texting me when we were no longer seeing each other and he said that work had gotten busy, his mind had been focused on work and he "hadn't really been seeing anyone". I told him that stringing someone along wasn't a nice way to treat a person, he said that I hadn't contacted him either, I pointed out that that was false, and he said, "look, if you don't want to go out again, it's fine".

I'm pretty sure this is a stringing-along/borderline gaslighting-trying-to-make-me-feel-like-I-did-something-wrong situation. It's crazy to me that someone would treat another person like this deliberately though! So I thought maybe I was mistaken.
posted by sunflower16 at 2:59 AM on March 14, 2018 [30 favorites]

I'm pretty sure this is a stringing-along/borderline gaslighting-trying-to-make-me-feel-like-I-did-something-wrong situation. It's crazy to me that someone would treat another person like this deliberately though! So I thought maybe I was mistaken.

You're not mistaken, you've nailed it right on the head.
posted by Polychrome at 3:09 AM on March 14, 2018 [45 favorites]

It's crazy to me that someone would treat another person like this deliberately though!

That's the kicker right there. People who do this don't see these other people as people, when you get right down to it. Thus: systemic misogyny.
posted by Mizu at 3:17 AM on March 14, 2018 [39 favorites]

Best answer: Y'all are so generous. I just assumed these gentlemen were living in the hope Sunflower would spontaneously send nudes.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:20 AM on March 14, 2018 [36 favorites]

I have a female friend who also does this and her rationale is that she feels a lot lonelier when she's texting nobody than when she's texting someone she isn't that into.
posted by notorious medium at 4:27 AM on March 14, 2018 [16 favorites]

Best answer: In my experience, it does seem to be a backup-option thing, or perhaps more generally a 'keeping their options open' thing. The specific motivation will vary from guy to guy, including but not necessarily limited to:

--wanting to keep a full contact list for when they need an ego-boost
--having someone they can message when they're lonely or have been rejected by someone else; your replying validates them, and restores the power imbalance in their favour
--keeping someone 'in reserve' for a dry spell; they're not that into you but they can get a convo/meetup/hookup if there are no better options available
--dumping their emotions in the guise of friendly conversation
--low-key checking to see if you're down for a hookup

Needless to say, many of these are pretty skeevy, and carry a sort of baked-in misogyny/disrespect, treating the person at the other end of the convo as a tool to fill their needs rather than another human. The fact that the guy you referenced went on the defensive when you called him out shows that at least on some level he knew what he was doing was shitty or disrespectful, and was angry with you that you confronted him on it.

(Anecdote: I once had a guy in a similar situation begin a text convo much the same as your followup 'example', only instead of crickets he said he had to be at work in 2 hours, and upon learning I was at home said 'so I'll come to yours then?'. Hadn't heard from him in several weeks, and he assumed he could just swing by and throw a fuck into me on his way to work. I told him no, and never heard from him again.)

These guys want you to perform a service for them and then disappear when you're not wanted or needed, but want you to be complicit in the farce so that they can still think of themselves as the 'good guy'. Hence the gaslighty behaviour when you pointed out that the one was actually being a dick. There was an Ask about ghosting a day or two ago; if dealing with these guys is a PITA for you maybe consider deciding how much radio silence denotes the lowest threshold of unacceptable enthusiasm from these guys and, at that point, block them and move on.
posted by myotahapea at 5:03 AM on March 14, 2018 [33 favorites]

I'm pretty sure this is a stringing-along/borderline gaslighting-trying-to-make-me-feel-like-I-did-something-wrong situation. It's crazy to me that someone would treat another person like this deliberately though!

My money is this is more thoughtlessness at work than deliberate assholeness. Or even some level of keeping an active collection of potential people at arm's length with texting makes them feel like they're lovable and they always have options. Of course, it's bullshit and a really terrible way to treat people but I doubt there's genuine meanspirited active thought behind it.

Or they're hoping you'll invite them over for sex.

I'm trying really hard to come up with a clever response that would inform them it's a shitty way to act, but I don't know if it's possible to get through to someone like this.

If anyone has really good retorts, I would love to hear them.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:13 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

Example convo:
Him: "How's your Friday?"
Me: "Great, [blah blah a bit of detail], how are you doing?"
Him: [crickets]

I think what he's maybe hoping for (without verbalizing it) is

Example convo:
Him: "How's your Friday?"
Me: "Great, wanna get together tonight after I get back from book club for some NSA sex?"

I mean it's unlikely, sure, but maybe not impossible. It's a joke with me and my sister than even though we are in our late 40s, Thanksgivingtime is when we suddenly get texts from randos who were maybe people we used to date decades ago. It's just some weird ever-hopeful thing from bored and somewhat lonely men. You're not wrong to dislike it. I've always thought of it as more solipsistic than gaslighting because I don't even think these guys think enough about the people they're contacting to be trying to mislead them. Which isn't to say this isn't a position borne of privilege and that it's not bullshit, but just that I don't think it's worth a lot of time/effort trying to figure out. Change their name in your phone to Bad Booty Call and move on.
posted by jessamyn at 6:48 AM on March 14, 2018 [25 favorites]

Best answer: As far as I can tell, these folks are maintaining a hookup/loneliness rolodex -- kind of like a sales rep with a list of leads, constantly sorting them and sending out feelers and ranking the responses from warmest to coolest. Anyone on the list may get an occasional text when they're feeling lonely or looking for a hookup. Your responsiveness to their texts determines where you are ranked in this list; there are probably twelve or thirty people ahead of you who are more responsive, but they sometimes roll around to you. If you don't respond, you'll likely get cooler and and cooler until you fall off the list eventually. If you don't like these texts, just ignore them -- any response at all, even a negative response, will move you up the list. Think of their texts as email spam -- ignore and delete, lest you give them a reason to pay even more attention.

If that sounds sort of gross and impersonal, that's because it is. You're not exactly a person to them in this scenario; your texts are just the food pellet rewards in the Skinner box. It's a weird world we're living in for sure.
posted by ourobouros at 6:51 AM on March 14, 2018 [21 favorites]

It's crazy to me that someone would treat another person like this deliberately though!

It's always kind of a shock to meet a person who behaves in ways that (a) you never would and (b) are genuinely unpleasant and (c) are short-sighted to the point of being blatantly self-defeating.

And yet they really are out there, out and about and walking through the same world inhabited by those of us with a semblance of a clue. I don't know how they get through their days, I really don't. But they certainly make me appreciate my friends even more.
posted by flabdablet at 6:55 AM on March 14, 2018 [7 favorites]

You don't mention ever asking these guys out on a date yourself. What happens if you try to set a firm date?

Maybe after a few dates they're waiting to see if you can take some of the initiative too? Or they're not feeling excited enough to chase more, or they want to see if you're interested enough to do more than passively agree to dates? Not everyone likes the "guy chases girl forever" dynamic in a relationship.
posted by randomnity at 7:00 AM on March 14, 2018 [9 favorites]

As a coach who works with men, and the occasional guy who's been reading too much pick up artist stuff, I see this a lot. There are many different reasons, from lack of interest to stringing you along, but none of them are good nor excusable. I think that myotahapea is heading in the right direction for the most part, when it comes to these reasons. My advice is to move on, and move on quickly. Oh, and use your phone's block function on their numbers for your mental health.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:14 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

they're hoping you will suggest meeting for sex?
posted by kapers at 7:36 AM on March 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

I don't now why these dudes are doing what they're doing but I can tell you why I might've done something similar back when I was attempting to date people.

I was told at some point that if I instigated the first date or two, then if the other party was interested in going on another one they would bring it up themselves. It was "their turn" if they were interested. This seemed like a reasonable expectation and a good guideline to avoid being pushy in my enthusiasm.

If these guys were me, this would be me trying to gauge if you were interested in dating more and being confused when I felt like YOU were "stringing me along."
posted by cmoj at 8:19 AM on March 14, 2018 [8 favorites]

It's the cargo cult of porn. These guys are obsessively consuming content where inane "dialog" leads to sex and they are not smart enough to know that it's performative sex work in exchange for money. Like, in theory they understand it's acting but deep down they are not 100% sure, just like people who sort of know astrology is not real but never skip their daily horoscope. So in true cargo cult fashion, these guys reproduce the dialog hoping it would result in sex, conveniently forgetting the key part where the woman expected to provide the sex is an actual person who needs a reason to do it (hard cash for the performer, real human connection for you).
posted by rada at 8:35 AM on March 14, 2018 [10 favorites]

Ourobouros nailed it: these folks are maintaining a hookup/loneliness rolodex

That's exactly what it is. The only variable is how aware the guy is of what he is doing. Not that the degree of awareness matters, or changes your response; but I guess it might matter if part of what you want to do is call them on their actions in hopes of performing a public service by throwing a spotlight on one of the most dickish things that a person can do to another person (and women do this too BTW). If they are genuinely unaware, perhaps you just might get them to change their ways. If they are aware, and curse the fact that you've managed to stumble onto their secret system and plan to share that knowledge with all the world, then- more power to you! Spread the word and help rid the world of this abhorrent practice.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:41 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

Example convo:
Him: "How's your Friday?"
Me: "Great, [blah blah a bit of detail], how are you doing?"
Him: [crickets]

Blocking the guy and moving on with your one precious life is a very appealing, self-respecting option to pursue here. But let’s say you’re oddly curious, and, for whatever reason, you really want to hear from this particular guy again to see what happens next, like it’s a bad, bad movie you gotta watch til the end. Try this: State your standards, playfully, if you dare.

You: “Having a flaky texting moment there, eh? Not responding is just not my style, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t finish what he’s started. 👻”

(Having said that, I’m completely in favor you of doing what the emoji suggests.)
posted by edithkeeler at 9:04 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

They don't want to date you but they don't want to say so and be the bad guy, so their texts are the equivalent of, "Hey, we're still cool, right?"

if they never mention meeting up again, I think this is the most likely answer. these guys know ghosting is bad, so they're ghosting with the occasional check-in to make it seem like it's not ghosting.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:43 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

these guys know ghosting is bad, so they're ghosting with the occasional check-in to make it seem like it's not ghosting.

Plus, I 100% guarantee that if you call them on it, they will tell their friends about how "this chick just went crazy on me! We texted back and forth and suddenly it was like she wanted a commitment or something!!!"

Not worth it. Ghost ghost ghost.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:07 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: As far as I can tell, these folks are maintaining a hookup/loneliness rolodex

It's the 21st century version of the little black book.
posted by JanetLand at 10:28 AM on March 14, 2018 [7 favorites]

I did ask the last guy who did this to me. We went on four dates in reasonably rapid succession, then he stopped texting, I tried initiating text conversations a couple of times the week after I saw him last and he replied but the conversations never went anywhere because he'd eventually stop replying after a while. He mentioned wanting to see me again but only said "soon" and didn't try to find a specific day we were both free. So I took a hint and mentally moved on.
...
his mind had been focused on work and he "hadn't really been seeing anyone"... he said that I hadn't contacted him either

Did you ever ask him to go out again?

I differ from I guess everyone here in that I think there's a viable gray area that's not "constantly advancing the relationship to the next date" but also isn't "stringing someone along." And it seems that this is what this guy is trying to say; he got focused on work, was putting less effort into going out on dates, and you hadn't tried to set one up, but he thought you guys were still chatting and might get together again at some point (presumably when he was less busy at work).
posted by salvia at 10:53 AM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

I differ from I guess everyone here in that I think there's a viable gray area that's not "constantly advancing the relationship to the next date" but also isn't "stringing someone along."

Salvia- I see your point, IF the people in question were not on a dating site. In non-dating site dating dynamics, this is perfectly acceptable. When it comes to dating sites, I believe there is an implicit assumption and expectation that you're there to meet people and go on dates. If not- what's the point? (I am talking about "traditional" sites, not necessarily ones that are more hookup-focused). But the OP does not specifically mention that it's a dating site situation, so maybe I am wrong...
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 12:29 PM on March 14, 2018

Best answer: Huh, if I got too many of those, I'd be so tempted to put these guys firmly in their place. They want to treat you like disposable sex-on-tap girl? Next time he texts you, reply with the thing that men hate the most and treat HIM like that.

"I'm so glad you texted me! I know there was no real romantic connection between us but I'm glad you feel like you can still contact me! You remind me so much of my brother. You must hear that a lot, huh? I bet you have lots of female friends. You're so SAFE and non threatening. Like a bunny. You should come over some time, (would you mind helping me shift some furniture, I'd ask my boyfriend to do it but, uh, he threw his back out doing an EXTREMELY kinky move with me the other day. He's just insatiable) Anyway let me know when you're free. He'd love to meet you, he calls you my brother from another mother. So cute!"
posted by Jubey at 12:59 PM on March 14, 2018 [9 favorites]

They are just keeping their options open. You can continue to respond if you also want to keep them as an option or you can just ignore the messages. I think this kind of behavior is pretty common in hook-up culture dating, at least it was when i was in college.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:08 PM on March 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

In my experience, these random texts out of the blue have always, always, at some point, devolved into a request for sex. Bluntly put, I was a booty call option, and the only way to prevent this from happening was to never ever respond.
posted by Everydayville at 2:01 PM on March 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Are You Being E-Maintained?
posted by cirocco at 2:28 PM on March 14, 2018 [7 favorites]

"Why you should be wary of any man that is reliant on text messaging, email, and instant messenger"
posted by jazzbaby at 2:56 PM on March 14, 2018 [4 favorites]

So...open to dating as long as they don't have to pick up the phone, have a conversation, make a plan, send a text, in short, make any effort at all. You know, this imaginary person should save us all some time and put that on his dating profile. I'm sure they'll be inundated. Be sure to mention that while they'll expect their future partner to do absolutely everything, they WILL contribute fond thoughts. Women love that.
posted by Jubey at 11:05 PM on March 14, 2018 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the responses. After reading everyone else's experiences, I do think I'm being strung along - for what, exactly, I don't know, but there were lots of possibilities mentioned above (hookups, emotional support, ego, etc).

A few people suggested that maybe he was waiting for me to set up the next date. I find this difficult to imagine - I can see that being the case if we'd been dating for a while but after four dates, I don't think he'd be put off by my not asking him out. (And, as mentioned, he actually asked me out again but didn't try to figure out a day that would work, just said he'd see me "soon", then stopped replying to texts so that conversation never went anywhere and the date never got planned).

Anyway, I ended our last conversation by telling him that I'm not ok being strung along or being his backup option, so I think that if he does have a "little black book", I've probably been removed from it :p
posted by sunflower16 at 3:52 AM on March 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

That's the spirit. "I am no longer interested in your opinions and wish to unsubscribe from your newsletter."
posted by flabdablet at 4:05 AM on March 15, 2018 [10 favorites]

A few people suggested that maybe he was waiting for me to set up the next date. I find this difficult to imagine - I can see that being the case if we'd been dating for a while but after four dates, I don't think he'd be put off by my not asking him out.

If a woman doesn't ask me on a date by date 4 and I've had to do all the logistics, I'm probably assuming she is not that interested. You should find someone who is fuck yes into you though, and you're the one determining your standards so it sounds like this is a positive step for you. Good luck out there!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:30 AM on March 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

As with so many things in life, if it's not "Hell yes!", then it should probably be "Hell no!"
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:53 AM on March 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm just going to again suggest that you do the emotional labor of initiating specific plans. "Hey it was great to see you. Want to get together again? How about drinks on Thursday?" If he's saying no to dates but wanting to occasionally chat, okay then, maybe he's not serious about dating. But sometimes life just gets busy and people get distracted from things like internet dating.

Fundamentally, these assumptions bother me. "Stringing you along" ... Are you a fish while he is the fisherman? No, you have autonomy and free will. You're not hooked on a line waiting to be reeled in or let go -- either swim toward him or swim away, or fish him back if you're really into him.

And all this judgment! Must he have Very Serious Intentions lest he be toying with you? I don't think so. These days, people are not judged even for wanting something like friends with benefits, so if he wants "texts with dates every 3 weeks," I think he's allowed (and you're allowed to say that's not what you want, goodbye).

Plus, there are different paces. The getting-to-know-you process can take awhile. If you want to wait for someone who immediately falls head over heels for you and immediately gets serious, fine, that's your preference, but I don't think people always work that way.

It just comes across as weird and unfair to judge someone like this and assume the worst of their intentions. You can hear the bewildered "I don't even know why you're angry at me but if this isn't working for you then okay" in his replies. What you don't hear is anything that suggests he's been acting maliciously toward you. You say you don't want to be his backup option, but he points out he hasn't been going on any dates.

Fundamentally I don't get why this whole question is about his intentions and desires. If you want to go on a date, ask him out! If you're rejected, then you can move on. If you don't like him, then Ask Metafilter how to get this pesky person to stop texting you. Asking why he's reaching out to you at one level of interest but not at another just seems weird. What level do you want? Okay, invite him to that level. It's totally valid to want a certain level. But since it's 2018, (a) both men and women share the burden for issuing the invitations, and (b) there's no longer any "one right level" (people can even agree to be friends with benefits), so it doesn't make sense to judge people who want a different level or pace from you.
posted by salvia at 11:22 PM on March 15, 2018 [6 favorites]