Is this the beginning of the end?

February 2, 2006 5:04 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for four years. For the first time in our relationship, I am interested in someone else. What does this mean, and what should I do?

My boyfriend and I have enjoyed a happy, stable relationship since we first began dating four years ago. Before him, none of my relationships ever lasted more than a few months; I would always grow bored or dissatisfied and end it. With him, though, I just never hit that stage - I have always enjoyed his company, and we have continued to get along well even after moving in together two years ago. We bicker a bit, but I could count the number of real fights we've had on one hand, and most of them took place during a stressful six months when we were dealing with some financial issues. There are, of course, a few things I'd change, but none of them are huge problems for me.

Here's the thing. About two months ago, I met someone who I immediately liked and befriended. Since then, I've developed quite an infatuation with him, and I know that the feeling is mutual. As I have a boyfriend, neither of us has acted on this attraction, although we do flirt a bit (and probably shouldn't). Let me be clear: despite liking this new person very much, I have no intention of cheating on my boyfriend, nor do I intend to break things off with him so that I can pursue something else with the new guy.

My question is this: what does my attraction for someone else say about my current relationship? Does it suggest there are problems between me and my boyfriend that I'm not aware of or am not admitting to myself? Supposing I get over my current infatuation, will I just go through the same thing in a few months with another new person? Is this the beginning of the end, or something that all couples go through? I'd be especially interested to hear from people in marriages or long term relationships who have gone through something similar. I also wouldn't turn down any advice you might have about how to get over the other guy, although I'm guessing that eventually I'll just do it.

If it matters: I am 26, my boyfriend is 31, and the other guy is 27.

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

My question is this: what does my attraction for someone else say about my current relationship? Does it suggest there are problems between me and my boyfriend that I'm not aware of or am not admitting to myself?

Nothing and no.
posted by delmoi at 5:15 PM on February 2, 2006

I'd say it's perfectly natural to hit that "hump" in a long term relationship where the partner just isn't nearly as interesting as he once seemed, and this tends to magnify the intensity of these sparks that you find in other people. It's probably indeterminite whether this means serious trouble for the relationship: it could signal the start of a number of these such distractions, eventually culminating in total loss of interest, infidelity, etc. Or it could just be one of those things that pushes to you reinvigorate your current relationship -- maybe to find new aspects of your partner that you didn't see before, try new things, find new appreciation for overlooked aspects of him, and so on. So in a way it's really up to you what to make of it -- if you think it's a problem then it might be a problem, but it may just be one of those things you get over and snicker at later.
posted by Rhomboid at 5:16 PM on February 2, 2006

Does it suggest there are problems between me and my boyfriend that I'm not aware of or am not admitting to myself?

No, you're only human, and you'll always come across other people whom you find attractive. Don't buy the line that, simply because you're in a steady relationship, your brain will magically stop looking at other people in that way.

It's how you decide to deal with those natural feelings that determine how mature, faithful and content you are -- not the mere fact of feeling them in the first place.
posted by chrismear at 5:19 PM on February 2, 2006

I have to laugh here (not at you).

My ex and I used to always tell each other about new crushes. "Oooh! You have a cruuuush!"

And it was good...great even (the ex part stems from something completely unrelated to that).

Do you have any feelings lost toward your boyfriend?

Communication is key. Tell your boyfriend. Attraction is natural. You can have fun with it too.
posted by Bucket o' Heads at 5:20 PM on February 2, 2006

I will almost certainly be in the minority here:

If I were your boyfriend, I'd want you to explore that attraction. I don't think you need to break things off with your boyfriend to pursue something with the new guy. I think you can/should keep your relationship, and you can/should also see if there's anything there between you and this other fellow.
posted by Jairus at 5:28 PM on February 2, 2006

I think I'm the lone dissenter, but for me a real crush on another guy (meaning, real feelings for a potentially attainable guy as opposed to, say, Zach Braff) has always signalled dissatisfaction with a relationship. If I'm happy, then other guys won't even show up on my radar as anything more than friends. When I'm unhappy, my eye wanders (although I've never cheated on a boyfriend). And all of my relationships have been fairly longterm (the longest was about 5 years), so I don't think this is a commitment issue on my part.

This is not to say that this crush is necessarily a symptom of relationship dissatisfaction for you - we're all different. But it might be a good time to evaluate for feelings for your boyfriend and about your relationship with him, and try to determine if this is an innocent, meaningless crush or something bigger. And if it's a sign of something bigger, what you want to do about that.
posted by amro at 5:41 PM on February 2, 2006

evaluate your feelings, that is
posted by amro at 5:42 PM on February 2, 2006

I think (for some people) crushes happen. They're just crushes, even if they might feel very strong. Then they end. When they end, it's hard to imagine feeling attracted to that person any more. If you're not seriously thinking about cheating or breaking up with him, it sounds like you're going through a crush. It can be fun.

I have never cheated on my husband, and never would, but have had a few crushes -- I have never acted on a crush and don't plan to. I sort of wish I never got them, because they are embarrassing for some reason, make me feel like and possibly act like a goofball for a while, and are kind of stupid. But they happen (to this old married lady, anyway) once in a while -- have fun. I sort of use them as a motivator to pull it together and put some lipstick on and get myself to the gym more often -- or maybe something to look forward to at work (if the cute boy will say Hello -- pathetic, I realize). But that's it. Seems to happen less as I get older.
posted by theredpen at 6:08 PM on February 2, 2006

This is a tough call for me, as it really depends on a lot of factors. Maybe I'll just tell an anecdote instead.

Once upon a time I was in a long-term relationship, and it was good. We would tell each other about our crushes and it was wonderful and exciting that we could be so honest and open with each other. Then one day she told me she felt guilty about a crush she had on a friend of mine. I reassured her and told her she was being silly; we had crushes on other people all the time, and it didn't mean a thing! Then she dumped me and started going out with him. "Oh," I realized for the first time, "She had a CRUSH."

Do you see what I mean when I say "it depends"? I really find it hard to tell from your description how you really feel... you certainly seem devoted to your boyfriend but you're not talking about him in sappy lovey dovey terms either. There seem to be doubts creeping into your language. I don't know you, though; for all I know you could just be a rather unsentimental, clear-headed individual.
posted by speicus at 6:48 PM on February 2, 2006

Oh, yes, crushes happen. There are a lot of attractive, interesting people out there. It's what you do with it that counts.

Look at your relationship with your boyfriend. Are you both happy? Do you want to keep it? If so, work proactively towards maintaining a good relationship (by this, I don't mean to ignore red flags and issues for the sake of holding on at any cost).

For me, it's no contest. This is for a lot of reasons. One, I'd never hurt my husband that way. Another, I've been tangled up in the infidelity mess, and it's no fun, definitely not something I'd ever want to repeat. I meet somebody I am attracted to - looks, personality, whatever - and see it as such a superficial thing when compared with the depth and honor of my relationship with my husband. It helps that we have a great relationship, and that neither of us feel that anything is lacking.

You want to get over the other guy? Maybe cut down on how much time you spend around him. The flirting is probably harmless, but I'd back off on that, too, because there really is genuine, strong attraction behind it. Look at him without rose-colored glasses (grass is always greener, type thing). But, yeah, you'll probably continue to be attracted. Thing is not to feed it, if it's not what you want.
posted by moira at 7:01 PM on February 2, 2006

two years ago i would have said that it means something's lacking in your current relationship. now though, having done two years of a long distance relationship, i think it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people. loving your boyfriend wont stop other people being funny or nice or attractive.

so yes. i say it's totally fine. the ups and downs happen when it comes to what you choose to do- you could ignore it and never tell your boyfriend, or you could tell him about it. if you ignore it, it'll either go away or it'll go on for ages and fester and get worse and worse and it'll be something that you can't really bring up because it's been going on for so long. if you bring it up with him now, he'll either freak out and get scared and worried and it'll be something you have to sort through, or he'll be ok with it and he'll know that it's just some little attraction and not something you'd end the relationship over.

the attraction itself doesn't say much about your current relationship. what you choose to do, and how your boyfriend reacts, will tell you much more about it. i think if it's a good relationship then you'll be able to be honest about it, and he'll be able to accept it.
posted by twirlypen at 7:07 PM on February 2, 2006

a potentially attainable guy as opposed to, say, Zach Braff

This one time, Mr Braff threw up in my wife's room. Everyone is human.
posted by meehawl at 7:39 PM on February 2, 2006

Pretty much you are always going to feel attracted to other people at some point. If you act on it, your relationship with your boyfriend will most likely end.

This is a part of being a human being. At some point, you will lose some of the newness of the relationship. At that point you will have to decide if you are going to move on to something new. Long term relationships require a decision to stay in the relationship despite feeling attracted to others. That's why it is a relationship and why you have to work at it.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:49 PM on February 2, 2006

I think amro has a good point but I don't necessarily think that problems/boredom CAUSE a wandering eye... I think it could be a clue that you need to reconnect or reignite some passion. From my experience, you just tend to take each other for granted after a while, forgetting what you have. Studies have shown that when people divorce/die after a long marriage, they end up feeling like they've lost a lot more than they thought they would have. They got too used to their partner being around to notice what they had. I think it would be wise for you to evaluate some of your feelings, some of your desires (for what you want to experience, not for another guy). I do this routinely and have found so far that as long as there's progress being made (like growing as individuals, deepening intimacy, discovering new things or aspects of ourselves, becoming better people), even if it's very slow progress, I feel satisfied... like it's not stale.

Feel free to disagree with me on this, because I am young and in my first long-term relationship of 2 years (having lived together almost the whole time). I love my boyfriend but sometimes I do feel dissatisfied or kinda bored/stale and in this relationship more than any other, I've thought about other men or felt attractions (nothing's lasted longer than a week or two though). I think part of it is wanting to still feel attractive; I may flirt a little bit (in a mainly friendly way) with guys on occasion because I like to see the interest or desire in their eyes. It makes me feel good, and I think as long as you can separate that good feeling from 'the other guy' you are okay. Some people don't seem to be able to separate these two things, and think they NEED to get with others (cheat) in order to still feel attractive or desirable or whatever it is. Feeling good about yourself can help the relationship, obviously... and feeling attractive/desirable/sexy generally helps the sex life.

I am going through this right now, sort of. There is a guy I work with who I just started interacting with about two weeks ago, and at first I found him very attractive mostly because I could tell he found me very interesting, asked me a lot of friendly personal questions, etc., even seeming a little nervous around me. It was easy to fall into this little brief fantasy where I entertain the egotistical ideas in my head about my own attractiveness, and then the reality of how much younger/inexperienced he is than me sets in, and I realize that even if I ever dated him it wouldn't go anywhere.

I think it is really a behavioral thing involving self-restraint. It's not appropriate to flirt excessively or in certain ways that go beyond friendly, not for an extended period of time and not with the same person continually. To me, that is inappropriate if you want to honor your original commitment. When I'm around someone being flirtatious with me, I might respond a little bit, but then regain composure and modify the way I interact with them. It is like putting up a wall, kind of. Despite what you may think of Dr. Phil, I like his suggestion: "If you wouldn't do it in the presence of your S.O., don't do it at all." That's integrity.

I mean it's really a pretty simple equation... Flirt, feel interested. Interact on a purely friendly/coworker level, not so much, maybe not at all. If you're still hung up on the other man after changing your behavior, then maybe you should consider ending your current relationship to explore the new interest. I don't think that's a good idea for you necessarily, but why stay in a relationship where you're emotionally unfaithful for a prolonged period of time?? That is, if that's how it's going to be.

On a geekier and somewhat unrelated note (I work in a psychology research lab), I think if you did correlational research on this, I suspect you'd find that there's a mild to moderate (but not strong) correlation between the two variables of "relationship boredom/dissatisfaction" and "wandering eye."
posted by mojabunni at 8:25 PM on February 2, 2006

I also wanted to say I thought everyone's advice was good and I'd take it all into account, especially moira's comment about seeing the other guy for who he is; try to imagine waking up next to him after he snored all night long and has morning breath. Lol. Or you can also try, hard as it may be, to objectively assess him to determine if he would really even be a good realistic match for you... Couples don't flirt forever. This might help you put it in a clearer perspective.
posted by mojabunni at 8:44 PM on February 2, 2006

If I were your boyfriend, I'd want you to explore that attraction. I don't think you need to break things off with your boyfriend to pursue something with the new guy.

Uh, I think you are in a very, very small minority of guys.
posted by delmoi at 8:55 PM on February 2, 2006

I'd add one more thing. It's easier to break up with a boyfriend than it is to get divorced. Only you can decide what the crush means.
posted by blackfoot dazy at 9:23 PM on February 2, 2006

Nineteen or twenty-year relationship here; I can speak only for myself, but I've crushed. And, sure, perhaps our relationship was rocky at the time, too.

But, ya know, crushing doesn't necessitate wrecking everything. You work on your real relationship, you give it time, you grow a bit, and -- well, whaddya know, you're together and more deeply in love with each other than ever before.

IMO, biggest problem people have these days is this idea that a relationship is going to be kittens and sunshine every freakin' day. How unrealistic! Hell, there are days I have a pretty rocky relationship with my own self -- it would be truly insane to think I don't need to take an active role in maintaining and improving my relationship with my wife.

Also, I'm way outta Zach's league. He'll just have to cry himself to sleep.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:59 PM on February 2, 2006

my first long-term relationship of 2 years

That ain't long-term, sweetie!
posted by five fresh fish at 11:00 PM on February 2, 2006

I believe I've heard that other great apes only form monogamous relationships for around four years, not mating for life. (Just to address the question of what's "normal")
posted by Aknaton at 11:26 PM on February 2, 2006

Hell, there are days I have a pretty rocky relationship with my own self -- it would be truly insane to think I don't need to take an active role in maintaining and improving my relationship with my wife.

I just wanted to say that that is going in my repertoire of inspirational quotes. I've never heard that idea expressed so perfectly before.
posted by jacalata at 11:39 PM on February 2, 2006

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this recent news item yet.

You can add my voice to the chorus of people saying that the crush says nothing about your relationship. Everyone in a LTR should expect that every once in a while someone turns up who seems powerfully attractive and interesting. I think it's something you can enjoy but be really clear in your own mind about where the boundaries are.
posted by teleskiving at 4:35 AM on February 3, 2006

I think it is really a behavioral thing involving self-restraint.

mojabunni is exactly right. This isn't about how you feel (unless you fall out of love with your boyfriend, in which case it's about that, not a crush), it's about how you act. Some people can be attracted to others to the point of having a crush on them even if they're in a monogamous relationship, others (like amro) seem to switch that off. Everybody's different. The important thing is how you deal with it, and if you want to keep your current relationship, you should probably maintain a little more distance from Mr. Crush than you really want to. You'd be amazed how quickly you can go from "Ooh, this is fun and makes me feel all bubbly!" to "Uh-oh, I don't think I can live without this person." Enjoy the electricity, but don't do anything your boyfriend would be upset to see if he wandered into the room. One man's advice.

Oh, and don't tell your boyfriend. Unless your boyfriend is Jairus.
posted by languagehat at 5:16 AM on February 3, 2006

Just to echo the others: the crush likely only means that you met an interesting guy, what matters is what you do with it. Don't let the crush be the determinant of your actions, even if it does mean that you are dissatisfied (ala amro). Instead figure out if you are dissatisfied and then decide what you want to do about it.

None of us are slaves to our feelings.
posted by OmieWise at 5:39 AM on February 3, 2006

Don't let the crush be the determinant of your actions, even if it does mean that you are dissatisfied (ala amro). Instead figure out if you are dissatisfied and then decide what you want to do about it.

I absolutely agree with this, and I hope I don't come off like I'm saying that your relationship is doomed because you have a crush. In my experience, having a crush has always correlated to something being wrong (but perhaps fixable) in my relationships. It has never been the determining factor in any action I've taken, except to be a signal to do some evaluation of my relationship and decide whether I should wait out a bad patch, try to fix things, or move on. Just do a gut check and if you think this is nothing but an innocent crush, then don't stress over it. Clearly, I am in the minority as far as historically only getting crushes when I'm unhappy in a relationship, so chances are everyone else is right and this is just a natural reaction to meeting a new, interesting guy and will fade out.
posted by amro at 6:53 AM on February 3, 2006

"If you wouldn't do it in the presence of your S.O., don't do it at all." That's integrity.

None of us are slaves to our feelings.

Long term relationships require a decision to stay in the relationship despite feeling attracted to others.

Hell, there are days I have a pretty rocky relationship with my own self -- it would be truly insane to think I don't need to take an active role in maintaining and improving my relationship with my wife.


If I were your boyfriend, i'd want to know we were strong enough in our relationship to be able to talk about these feelings, and if this is the first time either of you have brought it up, it seems like the best time to talk about the boundaries you two need within your relationship (all relationships have boundaries of some sort otherwise there's no relationship), ie, its okay to go have coffee with him, but it is too much like a date if you do dinner and a movie, or since you feel such electricity with him you should remove yourself from his presence so you don't tempt yourself, or kissing guys is okay, but love poems are obviously a sign that there's some infidelity going on...whatever. You can take this as a chance to make your relationship with your boyfriend stronger.
posted by iurodivii at 7:20 AM on February 3, 2006

I am going through this right now, sort of. There is a guy I work with who I just started interacting with about two weeks ago, and at first I found him very attractive mostly because I could tell he found me very interesting, asked me a lot of friendly personal questions, etc., even seeming a little nervous around me

I kind of like mojabunny's distinction. Sometimes being the object of a crush can feel like a crush itself, as it's hard not to respond to someone who is clearly infatuated with you. Might sound silly, but who started it?

Ad hoc theory about 3 kinds of crushes in order of seriousness:

1. One-way crush: He's infatuated with you, it's weird but kind of pleasant, which makes you feel guilty, but a little thrilling. No problem.

2. Simultaneous Mutual crush. More serious, but I'd guess pretty rare in actuality. I'd say this is 50/50 chance of signifying a problem in the long term relationship, but might just be temporary.

3. Unrequited crush. If you're the one infatuated, and the other couldn't care less, and you have a long term SO. This sounds like bad news. Having desires to escape a stable relationship for a completely nonexistent unfulfilling fantasy of a relationship.
posted by sol at 7:27 AM on February 3, 2006

I've been with my wife for 11 years (married for nine). To me, marriage (and I consider any longterm relationship a "marriage," regardless of whether or not it's been sanctioned) means more than a romantic attachment. Marriage is a partnership. It's a commitment. Hopefully, it is also romantic. But unless you're one in a million, it will never be 100% romantic all the time. If your only reason for being with someone is romance, your relationship won't outlast the inevitable periods where romance wanes. Hence "For better or worse; in sickness and health," etc.

I've certainly been attracted to other people, and I expect to be so again in the future (I HOPE I am. I hope that part of me never dies.) And my wife has been attracted to others, too. This is a fact. That we're married is another fact. Since we understand that marriage is a commitment, the two facts are mutually exclusive. It really makes no difference whether or not I have a crush. I'm still married.

And this is what I love about being married. I'm PART of something. I've committed to something. Of course, I also love my wife dearly, but the marriage is something somewhat apart from her and me. It's a greater something that I have enlisted in and that I work to keep healthy. Sometimes, marriage IS work. It's worth the work. You're young still. I'm 40. I can really see and feel the value of having someone to grow old with.

Naturally, the commitment should have limits. I say (and feel) that I will stick with my wife through thick and thin. But what if she started beating me? What if she took on a lover? At some point, I would -- I'm sure -- back out. But "backing out" is not a general part of my thought process. Instead, I think, "I've committed to this. How will I make it work." (If my wife did beat me, I would try EVERYTHING else before quitting the married -- couples therapy, etc. Quitting would be the LAST resort.)

I've made it sound incredibly hard and unromantic. Most of the time it's easy and very romantic. But there are hard times. I'm confident that they're worth riding out or working out.
posted by grumblebee at 10:18 AM on February 3, 2006

People. Like. People.

Having a crush doesn't mean anything, other than confirming that a staggering number of people are wonderful and fascinating. And people tend to default to sex, when there are other forms of intimacy/appreciation you could engage in with this person that don't threaten your relationship.

That said - why does getting down have to threaten your relationship? Yup, I'm with Jairus on this one.

Crush gets sex. You get twice the sex. BF keeps his GF.

Everyone wins. Especially you.

In other words, the crush is precisely as meaningful as you want it to be. Let it dissolve; act on it; let it whittle you away with unfounded anxiety. Your call. Generally I don't think people can be taken completely unawares by problems in their relationship.
posted by poweredbybeard at 3:05 PM on February 3, 2006

On that note, you might want to check this out:

Quantum Love: A Beginner's Guide to Polyamory

A lot of our friends are swingers, or into polyfidelity or polyamory.. we're almost the only "normal" couple :) Some are married, some just living together.. And yes, they are all over the age of 30, some over 40 and 50, so we're not talking about a bunch of young immature horny people running around rationalizing their fear of intimacy as "polyamory" here.

I think this raises some interesting things about life to ponder - I'm not posting this to suggest this lifestyle if you don't feel it is for you. I've thought about this a lot and I just can't get my head around it I guess.. like I don't think I can imagine myself not feeling significantly jealous in a damaging way if my partner had one or more other partners... B/f and I have talked about this a bit and we don't really feel comfortable with the idea.... And I think it's mostly me who's uncomfortable. I guess I'd like to think I could handle it, but I'm too scared to go there, and for the time being feel no pressing need to go there.

And just for the record, of our friends in these situations.. It's not perfect (though, plain monogamy isn't either) and they have their own problems, though overall it seems to work. One woman I know is living with her boyfriend, a swinger who basically has any woman he wants and she's known it all along and decided to live with him. Idunno, I just don't think she's that happy with the situation. I don't think she's being honest with herself about it - but then the question is raised, does monogamy equal happiness or does being honest with yourself equal happiness? Hmm.

Another triad we know is a married couple (man/woman) and then the woman has a boyfriend. They all live together, sometimes hang out together, but they have certain rules they abide by. The marriage takes priority, and I think the boyfriend only gets action while the husband is out of the house - not like she sleeps in different rooms on different nights. Because the boyfriend takes lower priority, he is allowed to have anyone he wants basically - he has freedom. He doesn't seem overly joyed about his situation - I saw him out at one of the bars we go to once, drinking some beers, feeling sad, saying "My girlfriend is out on a date with her husband and it's their anniversary." Sure he can have the easy blonde for that night (and he does), but that doesn't satisfy his current longing for intimacy or connection. Which I think is interesting really, considering that's so backwards from the stereotype of men just wanting easy hot blondes.

That triad though, stays together because the two men love her and she loves them. She is an incredibly unique, irreplaceable woman and I think that's why they stay together.

This lifestyle also makes me think about the apparent human need to possess one another, and whether that's really...a desirable thing or not. You could say it's adaptive behavior for our species, as a stable couple tends to rear children more likely to survive, but I could also imagine how a community raising a child could also be better, helping he/she grow in a more diverse environment. I know that probably sounds naive as hell, but... this whole thing is about thinking outside of the box, and that's quite challenging when you're talking about some of our most basic yet deeply ingrained assumptions about how life goes.
posted by mojabunni at 8:55 PM on February 3, 2006

Have you and your boyfriend ever talked about crushes you've each had? As kids, as teens? That conversation could bring you closer and be more exciting than flirting with some guy you've just met.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:33 AM on February 4, 2006