Phrases to Communicate Empathy Without the Word "Sorry"
January 27, 2018 11:17 AM Subscribe
What are your favorite phrases to commiserate with someone (in casual conversation) without using the word 'sorry'?
Recently I've realized that my go-to phrase when communicating empathy/sympathy to someone is, "I'm sorry" or some variation thereof ("I'm sorry that happened to you," "Ugh, that's the worst, I'm sorry...", etc). But I'm trying to stop apologizing so damn much, especially for things that aren't my fault. And I'm realizing how often this comes up in casual conversation - someone failing a test, someone's package was stolen, someone didn't sleep well last night, etc. So, any good substitute phrases to sprinkle into conversation that acknowledge what the other person is experiencing but not being rude ("wow, that sucks." seems kind of harsh and short to me and "aw, I hear ya" seems like not enough). I realize that people complain a lot in small talk to relate to each other, but I'm at a loss on how to respond without apologizing (or giving advice, another thing I'm trying to cut down on).
Recently I've realized that my go-to phrase when communicating empathy/sympathy to someone is, "I'm sorry" or some variation thereof ("I'm sorry that happened to you," "Ugh, that's the worst, I'm sorry...", etc). But I'm trying to stop apologizing so damn much, especially for things that aren't my fault. And I'm realizing how often this comes up in casual conversation - someone failing a test, someone's package was stolen, someone didn't sleep well last night, etc. So, any good substitute phrases to sprinkle into conversation that acknowledge what the other person is experiencing but not being rude ("wow, that sucks." seems kind of harsh and short to me and "aw, I hear ya" seems like not enough). I realize that people complain a lot in small talk to relate to each other, but I'm at a loss on how to respond without apologizing (or giving advice, another thing I'm trying to cut down on).
I say “That sounds really [x],” where [x] can be any description that’s relevant to the specifics of the person’s experience—difficult, overwhelming, hectic, exciting, unexpected, etc.
posted by jesourie at 11:28 AM on January 27, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by jesourie at 11:28 AM on January 27, 2018 [13 favorites]
For me there's a division between things I can really "know how you feel" vs. things where that stance would be presumptuous, because the bad experience is unique to the person telling it, and trying to empathize by connecting it to my own life would be making it about me.
This is what I mean.
If it's a common thing (the bus pulled away when they were running for it; didn't sleep well, etc) then I usually empathize by relating, acting like in some way, we're a team against That Bad Thing -- "Oh, I hate that!"
If they're telling me something that is specific to them: "Oh, no." Or "Oh wow, that sounds really difficult."
posted by velveeta underground at 11:30 AM on January 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
This is what I mean.
If it's a common thing (the bus pulled away when they were running for it; didn't sleep well, etc) then I usually empathize by relating, acting like in some way, we're a team against That Bad Thing -- "Oh, I hate that!"
If they're telling me something that is specific to them: "Oh, no." Or "Oh wow, that sounds really difficult."
posted by velveeta underground at 11:30 AM on January 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
I second "That sounds really [adjective]."
posted by mermaidcafe at 11:41 AM on January 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by mermaidcafe at 11:41 AM on January 27, 2018 [6 favorites]
I say "that's terrible" or "that sounds dreadful".
posted by lyssabee at 11:56 AM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by lyssabee at 11:56 AM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
If it's a situation that can get better, "I hope things get better for you."
posted by Eevee at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Eevee at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
"That sounds really hard for you. Do you want to talk about it?"
posted by kevinbelt at 12:17 PM on January 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 12:17 PM on January 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
For minor things, "Aww" or "Oh no" works. But I do want to also point out that "I'm sorry that happened to you" doesn't mean you're apologizing; it's using this definition of "sorry": Feeling sad or distressed through sympathy with someone else's misfortune.
posted by acidic at 12:40 PM on January 27, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by acidic at 12:40 PM on January 27, 2018 [15 favorites]
Because the stuff you’re talking about are the sort of day to day frustrations that happen regularly, I could see, “that really sucks!” Or “I hate that” as useful.
For more serious, life changing things, maybe “it’s so unfair that you have to go through this.”
posted by vunder at 12:44 PM on January 27, 2018
For more serious, life changing things, maybe “it’s so unfair that you have to go through this.”
posted by vunder at 12:44 PM on January 27, 2018
"That's terrible! Is there anything I can do to help?"
posted by ferret branca at 12:45 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ferret branca at 12:45 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't think "that sucks!" is rude, just informal. I often expand on it.
posted by rhizome at 12:56 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 12:56 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
"Oh sweetie" followed by a hug.
posted by BoscosMom at 12:59 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by BoscosMom at 12:59 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
"How awful for you."
I do think there's a difference between sorry apologizing for everything, and sorry offering condolences, and that the distinction is important. When someone dies and you say "I'm so sorry for your loss" you are not taking responsibility for the dead person's death. In none of your examples are you actually apologizing by using the word "sorry."
posted by DarlingBri at 12:59 PM on January 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
I do think there's a difference between sorry apologizing for everything, and sorry offering condolences, and that the distinction is important. When someone dies and you say "I'm so sorry for your loss" you are not taking responsibility for the dead person's death. In none of your examples are you actually apologizing by using the word "sorry."
posted by DarlingBri at 12:59 PM on January 27, 2018 [8 favorites]
"Oh, how frustrating!"
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:24 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:24 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
My go to doesn't exactly answer your question, but it's a good get-around if you do find yourself starting to say “I'm sorry”. Go for “I'm sorry to hear that”, because you're not taking any responsibility for what happened to them, you are just saying that it's bad that it happened.
posted by ambrosen at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ambrosen at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Seconding DarlingBri. There are two very different meanings of the word sorry that you seem to be eliding - "I messed up and I acknowledge that" and "I feel empathy and sorrow for bad stuff that's happening to you."
They're totally different meanings. You can say you're sorry for other people's pain without it having the slightest implication of an apology.
posted by penguin pie at 2:37 PM on January 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
They're totally different meanings. You can say you're sorry for other people's pain without it having the slightest implication of an apology.
posted by penguin pie at 2:37 PM on January 27, 2018 [7 favorites]
Yikes, that sounds really rough.
posted by Night_owl at 4:33 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Night_owl at 4:33 PM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
“That’s hard news” often works, especially if you follow it up by offering an ear/shoulder.
posted by wenestvedt at 4:48 PM on January 27, 2018
posted by wenestvedt at 4:48 PM on January 27, 2018
Nthing "that's harsh" and "that's rough," which I've learned from other folks. And that the use of "sorry" in this way doesn't indicate apologeticness (which "I'm sorry to hear that" makes clear).
posted by Carouselle at 5:09 PM on January 27, 2018
posted by Carouselle at 5:09 PM on January 27, 2018
This is just a personal thing but "that sounds" really [x] has never felt good to me. Just say [x] is what it actually is as I'm explaining it to you, rough/awful/tragic/whatever. Being believed immediately can be extremely validating.
posted by colorblock sock at 6:14 PM on January 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by colorblock sock at 6:14 PM on January 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
In my counseling program we learned about reflecting feeling, and reflecting meaning (basically reflecting back to the person what feelings they are feeling, and reflecting back the meaning they are expressing in slightly different words). Simply showing that you are listening and that you understand by paraphrasing, emphasizing, and reflecting meaning/feeling are powerful ways to show empathy.
posted by bearette at 7:19 PM on January 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by bearette at 7:19 PM on January 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
I can understand wanting a few different phrases at the ready, but remember that in this context "I'm sorry" is not an apology in any way, shape, or form. You are not apologizing; you are expressing the sorrow you feel.
posted by Gnella at 1:20 AM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Gnella at 1:20 AM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
How terrible/dreadful/awful, that’s outrageous/disgusting/atrocious, you poor thing, poor you, what awful/terrible/dreadful news.
Intensifiers: Oh my god, oh my goodness, good gracious, oh my life, oh my days.
But I agree that “sorry” does not need to imply apology - in fact British people use it as a prompt (if a British person says “sorry”, they are often telling you that you need to apologise to them; they are not remotely apologetic themselves, in fact they may be quite cross). You could say “I am/was so sorry to hear about...” rather than “I’m sorry you lost your cat” if that sounds better to your ears?
posted by tinkletown at 2:08 AM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Intensifiers: Oh my god, oh my goodness, good gracious, oh my life, oh my days.
But I agree that “sorry” does not need to imply apology - in fact British people use it as a prompt (if a British person says “sorry”, they are often telling you that you need to apologise to them; they are not remotely apologetic themselves, in fact they may be quite cross). You could say “I am/was so sorry to hear about...” rather than “I’m sorry you lost your cat” if that sounds better to your ears?
posted by tinkletown at 2:08 AM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks so much for all the awesome suggestions! Just to wrap up, I’m aware that the word “sorry” does have a meaning related to empathy, but a) I’m kind of sick of hearing myself say that word right now, b) people seem to complain so often in conversation that I feel like I’m saying it several times a day over minor things which makes it lose its impact to me, and c) I frequently get the response, “oh no, it’s not your fault” (which makes me think, “yea, I know, but maybe you’re misunderstanding which sorry I’m using right now.” that’s the response from a surprising amount of people). So I just wanted some quick go-to alternative phrases. I will try incorporating some of these new ideas, thanks everyone!
posted by carlypennylane at 6:31 AM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by carlypennylane at 6:31 AM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I try to mirror a little, such as, "I know that [x] was really important to you, it's really hard that it didn't work out." Basically validating when someone states pain or upset.
"i'm sorry about your cat" is perfectly fine when someone's cat has died, though, so "I'm sorry" is not always the wrong response.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:34 AM on January 28, 2018
"i'm sorry about your cat" is perfectly fine when someone's cat has died, though, so "I'm sorry" is not always the wrong response.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:34 AM on January 28, 2018
I’ve been using “oof” sympathetically a lot of late. It’s surprisingly versatile.
posted by mosst at 7:23 PM on January 28, 2018
posted by mosst at 7:23 PM on January 28, 2018
Actual loss: "I can't imagine [what it must be like for your family right now]. I got your back no matter what you need, ok?"
Print jam / package stolen / life is hard: "That's the worst." "Burn it down." "Can I bust some kneecaps for you?" (works best if you are a friendly non-arsonist non-kneecap-buster which it sounds like you are).
posted by athirstforsalt at 9:04 PM on January 28, 2018
Print jam / package stolen / life is hard: "That's the worst." "Burn it down." "Can I bust some kneecaps for you?" (works best if you are a friendly non-arsonist non-kneecap-buster which it sounds like you are).
posted by athirstforsalt at 9:04 PM on January 28, 2018
When I am talking to friends, my go-to phrase is "That's so shitty" because I'm a classy-ass broad. Seems to get the point across, but it probably wouldn't work as well in more formal situations.
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:14 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:14 AM on January 29, 2018
I try as much as possible to mirror the person to whom I'm speaking. "How awful for you" or "I can't imagine [x]" can feel very isolating to the person expressing themselves, so I go for things like "I imagine you were very angry after that happened; do you want to talk more about that?" that make it clear that I'm empathizing with their emotions rather than just soothing them.
posted by hanov3r at 11:21 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by hanov3r at 11:21 AM on January 29, 2018
Your pattern is - validate how they feel about the Thing. Go more/less serious depending on the Thing.
"That must be hard."
"I hate that you're going through that."
"Ouch!"
"Oh man, what a DAY. I vote you make tonight me-time."
"That sounds like it was really hurtful."
"That's a difficult situation, but it sounds like you're handling it really well."
"That really sucks. Can I buy you a feel-better coffee?"
posted by oblique red at 3:44 PM on January 30, 2018
"That must be hard."
"I hate that you're going through that."
"Ouch!"
"Oh man, what a DAY. I vote you make tonight me-time."
"That sounds like it was really hurtful."
"That's a difficult situation, but it sounds like you're handling it really well."
"That really sucks. Can I buy you a feel-better coffee?"
posted by oblique red at 3:44 PM on January 30, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zadcat at 11:25 AM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]