Exercises to build openness to vulnerability
January 11, 2018 11:05 AM Subscribe
I've become increasingly aware of the (many) ways that I resist and avoid letting myself be vulnerable in both my personal and professional life. I think it's getting in the way of getting the most out of my experiences. I'm looking for practices that will help me grow on this front. They could be standalone exercises or a little curriculum that I could turn into a self-growth course, or, really any other suggestions for actionable ways to engage with this area in myself.
Best answer: If you haven't come across it already, perhaps look at Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. And her well-known TED talk on vulnerability.
Not sure if you're working on the same areas I am, but my vulnerability challenge is being more open about the hard things in my life. I'm a people-pleaser; I don't like to upset anyone; so I always hold in negative emotions and internalize them, to my own detriment.
To that end, here are some exercises I've been doing:
1) Try to answer honestly when people ask the typical, "How are you?" Not necessarily at the post office or the till — though if you're brave enough, you can try this too! — but with people who would genuinely want to know, your friends and family. You don't have to say much, just something simple like: "I'm good, but I've been stressed about x this week."
2) In conversation: if someone unthinkingly/accidentally says a thing that hurts or offends you, say so. Challenge it. Express your hurt, instead of holding it in and letting it fester. It's so hard for me to be vulnerable about my own hurt, but this has been really important.
3) Speak truthfully about your challenges — only to people who you trust to listen and be supportive. For me, this means talking about how hard it is to have a chronic illness, without pretending to be overly positive or optimistic to make people more comfortable.
For you, maybe something career-related? I have a friend whose professional success is really bright & shiny. To most people it seems like she's completely got it together, but she's been honest with me about all of her stress, worry, and self-doubt, and it's strengthened our friendship: I see that she's human after all; she doesn't have to pretend.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 12:46 PM on January 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
Not sure if you're working on the same areas I am, but my vulnerability challenge is being more open about the hard things in my life. I'm a people-pleaser; I don't like to upset anyone; so I always hold in negative emotions and internalize them, to my own detriment.
To that end, here are some exercises I've been doing:
1) Try to answer honestly when people ask the typical, "How are you?" Not necessarily at the post office or the till — though if you're brave enough, you can try this too! — but with people who would genuinely want to know, your friends and family. You don't have to say much, just something simple like: "I'm good, but I've been stressed about x this week."
2) In conversation: if someone unthinkingly/accidentally says a thing that hurts or offends you, say so. Challenge it. Express your hurt, instead of holding it in and letting it fester. It's so hard for me to be vulnerable about my own hurt, but this has been really important.
3) Speak truthfully about your challenges — only to people who you trust to listen and be supportive. For me, this means talking about how hard it is to have a chronic illness, without pretending to be overly positive or optimistic to make people more comfortable.
For you, maybe something career-related? I have a friend whose professional success is really bright & shiny. To most people it seems like she's completely got it together, but she's been honest with me about all of her stress, worry, and self-doubt, and it's strengthened our friendship: I see that she's human after all; she doesn't have to pretend.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 12:46 PM on January 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Take an acting or improv class. The skills you learn there regarding being vulnerable in a pretend situation will directly apply to vulnerability in real life. There are good teachers and bad so if you hate a class, try a different one with a different group.
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 4:52 PM on January 11, 2018
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 4:52 PM on January 11, 2018
Art Aron had a thing in '97 for this. _The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings_. It's got some sporadic media coverage since, but you should get the actual paper because it's got his theoretical ramblings.
A close reading will give you enough ideas and a citation for _The Book of Questions_, which is a book of interesting questions, anyhow.
Salespeeps have this acronym called FORD for small talk conversations to have with people about things that they usually give a crap about: their Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. I like to think of a similar acronym of stuff that people actually care about: DERP. Dreams, Emotions (negative ones, usually), Regrets, Problems. Most people, especially nowadays, will have this core of darkness in them, you know?
posted by hleehowon at 7:30 AM on January 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
A close reading will give you enough ideas and a citation for _The Book of Questions_, which is a book of interesting questions, anyhow.
Salespeeps have this acronym called FORD for small talk conversations to have with people about things that they usually give a crap about: their Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. I like to think of a similar acronym of stuff that people actually care about: DERP. Dreams, Emotions (negative ones, usually), Regrets, Problems. Most people, especially nowadays, will have this core of darkness in them, you know?
posted by hleehowon at 7:30 AM on January 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
This is kind of what ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is designed to do: combat what they call "experiential avoidance" (i.e., there are things you want to do, and value doing, but don't do because of anxiety/depression/reasons). Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life is the ACT self-help classic.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:57 AM on January 12, 2018
posted by en forme de poire at 10:57 AM on January 12, 2018
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Any act of putting yourself into a new situation where everyone else knows each other puts you in a vulnerable position (but I have social anxiety too... this might be less daunting for you).
Pay people compliments (friends, not strangers). Tell them how much they mean to you.
Ask for help or for advice (I know this is pretty vague & generic. You could turn this into an exercise where you admit one weakness a week to someone around you and ask for their support or advice. This doesn't have to be something huge to start with).
This also works at work: identify "areas for improvement" (ugh), find someone who can help you with them, and ask for help. Super bonus points if it's someone you don't much like!
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:38 AM on January 11, 2018 [3 favorites]