Moving in a new place, finally, after 6 years.
January 9, 2018 1:05 PM Subscribe
I'm finally moving to a new place (across town, so still local) after living for 6 years at the same, somewhat toxic place... and I'm scared out of my mind.
As many of you probably can see in my post history, the place I've lived at for the past 6 years has had some good and bad, but things really went downhill after the home invasion we experienced in 2016. During that time, my two landlords were in the process of building a new condo-style home next door on an empty lot, which was converted to two units. The co-landlord, after the whole home invasion mess, decided to back out of the deal, selling his unit. The landlord (same one who the home invasion was for) decided to occupy the other unit, offering me a somewhat cheap bedroom, that had a furnace inside, no door (he put up a curtain for privacy though), and a shared bathroom with another roommate, which would have access to his bedroom. Not a very good situation all around, but I was lucky because the process for the landlord to occupy the unit took a long time, so I essentially was moved to a month-by-month basis where we currently lived. Time was running out, and I was feeling increasingly uncertain about the "room", and I think the icing on the cake was when he told me the room would be very warm due to the furnace, even with the thermostat turned on down. The room would also have no closet.
After some searching, I found another bedroom kind of across town, with my own toilet ensuite (yay for my parcopresis!), own door, a small patio, and two closets. I visited the place, met my potential roommate, liked the vibe, and decided on the spot to take it. It would only be the two of us. I know, I know... I was told over the years to find a new place, but in my mind, where "anxiety bureaucracy" exists, things take longer to happen/decisions to be made.
I'm due to move in tonight (getting my keys and all), and I'm feeling very anxious. I know... what would I be anxious about? I should be thrilled! Let me break it down a bit.
a) I'm deaf. The other roommate isn't. It's my first time ever, actually, rooming with a hearing person. ALL people I've roomed with has been deaf. I can't hear at all (as in, 100% profoundly deaf) and can't read lips, so have to write/type back and forth, or sign. Yes, my family is fully hearing, but in this situation, they don't count because, well, they're family (and they can sign). My new roommate doesn't sign, although I offered to teach him some new signs. Losing that easy communication makes me nervous.
b) It's somewhat hard for me to leave my current home, because of the attachment I have with my landlord (the one who was raided). We've known each other since middle school and are friends. Despite the somewhat toxic environment caused by other roommates, he's cool and have always been a good friend to me. The co-landlord was generally cool, too.
c) I don't know the new landlord at all, so have no idea what to expect. The home/condo showed to me was very nice, but I don't know what to expect if a crisis happens. Will the landlord be responsive? Willing to fix? Would he be the kind of landlord that would try to blame his tenants for any trouble? I just don't know. He seems nice so far, but again, you just never know. Can you tell I have trust issues?
Adding to this is that I have social anxiety and general anxiety, and am really looking forward to a nice peaceful place I can call home. I don't know what the new roommate is like, other than that he seemed nice when I met him, and I'm hoping for a confrontational-free situation, where I don't have to confront him if he smokes inside the house (no idea if he is a smoker or not), or brings over too many people which would make me feel somewhat uncomfortable, or other things like that. I'm also worried that the communication gap may make it harder, and that there will be situations where I will be completely lost... never an issue when rooming with other deaf people. I hate, hate, hate confrontations, and don't want to put this roommate out of his way or be any trouble, but at the same time, I want to be prepared. I know none of this has happened yet (heck, I haven't moved in yet!), but I just want to be prepared and feel more in control.
Somewhat mitigating this issue is the fact that I was able to be put on a 6-month lease, so if things don't go well, 6 months isn't a long time. I'm still feeling very anxious and not knowing what to expect, which is kind of hard for a self-admitted control freak like me. I know being deaf makes this a somewhat unique situation.
What I'm asking for is suggestions and input on how to make this move and transition go smoother, and to ensure good interactions with my new roommate.
As many of you probably can see in my post history, the place I've lived at for the past 6 years has had some good and bad, but things really went downhill after the home invasion we experienced in 2016. During that time, my two landlords were in the process of building a new condo-style home next door on an empty lot, which was converted to two units. The co-landlord, after the whole home invasion mess, decided to back out of the deal, selling his unit. The landlord (same one who the home invasion was for) decided to occupy the other unit, offering me a somewhat cheap bedroom, that had a furnace inside, no door (he put up a curtain for privacy though), and a shared bathroom with another roommate, which would have access to his bedroom. Not a very good situation all around, but I was lucky because the process for the landlord to occupy the unit took a long time, so I essentially was moved to a month-by-month basis where we currently lived. Time was running out, and I was feeling increasingly uncertain about the "room", and I think the icing on the cake was when he told me the room would be very warm due to the furnace, even with the thermostat turned on down. The room would also have no closet.
After some searching, I found another bedroom kind of across town, with my own toilet ensuite (yay for my parcopresis!), own door, a small patio, and two closets. I visited the place, met my potential roommate, liked the vibe, and decided on the spot to take it. It would only be the two of us. I know, I know... I was told over the years to find a new place, but in my mind, where "anxiety bureaucracy" exists, things take longer to happen/decisions to be made.
I'm due to move in tonight (getting my keys and all), and I'm feeling very anxious. I know... what would I be anxious about? I should be thrilled! Let me break it down a bit.
a) I'm deaf. The other roommate isn't. It's my first time ever, actually, rooming with a hearing person. ALL people I've roomed with has been deaf. I can't hear at all (as in, 100% profoundly deaf) and can't read lips, so have to write/type back and forth, or sign. Yes, my family is fully hearing, but in this situation, they don't count because, well, they're family (and they can sign). My new roommate doesn't sign, although I offered to teach him some new signs. Losing that easy communication makes me nervous.
b) It's somewhat hard for me to leave my current home, because of the attachment I have with my landlord (the one who was raided). We've known each other since middle school and are friends. Despite the somewhat toxic environment caused by other roommates, he's cool and have always been a good friend to me. The co-landlord was generally cool, too.
c) I don't know the new landlord at all, so have no idea what to expect. The home/condo showed to me was very nice, but I don't know what to expect if a crisis happens. Will the landlord be responsive? Willing to fix? Would he be the kind of landlord that would try to blame his tenants for any trouble? I just don't know. He seems nice so far, but again, you just never know. Can you tell I have trust issues?
Adding to this is that I have social anxiety and general anxiety, and am really looking forward to a nice peaceful place I can call home. I don't know what the new roommate is like, other than that he seemed nice when I met him, and I'm hoping for a confrontational-free situation, where I don't have to confront him if he smokes inside the house (no idea if he is a smoker or not), or brings over too many people which would make me feel somewhat uncomfortable, or other things like that. I'm also worried that the communication gap may make it harder, and that there will be situations where I will be completely lost... never an issue when rooming with other deaf people. I hate, hate, hate confrontations, and don't want to put this roommate out of his way or be any trouble, but at the same time, I want to be prepared. I know none of this has happened yet (heck, I haven't moved in yet!), but I just want to be prepared and feel more in control.
Somewhat mitigating this issue is the fact that I was able to be put on a 6-month lease, so if things don't go well, 6 months isn't a long time. I'm still feeling very anxious and not knowing what to expect, which is kind of hard for a self-admitted control freak like me. I know being deaf makes this a somewhat unique situation.
What I'm asking for is suggestions and input on how to make this move and transition go smoother, and to ensure good interactions with my new roommate.
How are you communicating with your new roommate thus far? I think if you can get into a habit of frequent and open communication over text, or email, or some other medium that works well with your anxiety and bridging the language divide, it will serve you well if and when there are challenging situations to discuss (whether they're as straightforward as dishes or as fraught as finances).
posted by mosst at 1:25 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by mosst at 1:25 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh, I'm so excited you're finally moving! I remember all of your previous posts and it's clear that your old place wasn't right for you.
a) Living with a hearing person will be a big adjustment, but one that I'm sure you can overcome. I'm hearing, and imaging what life would be like with a deaf roomie. I would be excited about picking up some signs (hopefully he is too!) and would be undaunted by text communications. Honestly, a lot of my communications with past roommates has been done via email/chat/text due to scheduling differences, so I suspect this won't be a big deal in the end.
b) Two thoughts here. First, you can still see your ex-landlord socially, right? No reason to think you won't be friends going forward, is there? Second, every time you feel attachment to the old place creeping in, go read your old Asks about that place and remind yourself how unhappy you've been there.
c) Dealing with uncertainty sucks! But remember, you have a roommate, who you like so far. He can and will help you navigate situations that arise with your landlord. You aren't in this alone, so to speak. And based on my own personal experiences, it's far more likely that you'll get a neutral/good landlord than a shitty one. Really.
Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:27 PM on January 9, 2018 [10 favorites]
a) Living with a hearing person will be a big adjustment, but one that I'm sure you can overcome. I'm hearing, and imaging what life would be like with a deaf roomie. I would be excited about picking up some signs (hopefully he is too!) and would be undaunted by text communications. Honestly, a lot of my communications with past roommates has been done via email/chat/text due to scheduling differences, so I suspect this won't be a big deal in the end.
b) Two thoughts here. First, you can still see your ex-landlord socially, right? No reason to think you won't be friends going forward, is there? Second, every time you feel attachment to the old place creeping in, go read your old Asks about that place and remind yourself how unhappy you've been there.
c) Dealing with uncertainty sucks! But remember, you have a roommate, who you like so far. He can and will help you navigate situations that arise with your landlord. You aren't in this alone, so to speak. And based on my own personal experiences, it's far more likely that you'll get a neutral/good landlord than a shitty one. Really.
Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:27 PM on January 9, 2018 [10 favorites]
Hey - I'm really glad you're getting a new place!
This is sort of standard anxiety advice - but please don't worry about /fortune-tell about the future. If some of those things you're worried about do happen, you can worry about them. But you can't handle all of today's worries today.
RE communication:
- gchat/hangouts and skype
- text messages or whatsapp
are both really common all-day forms of communication. I'm hearing and live with hearing roommates, but we regularly use these to talk if we're in different rooms. So some of this won't be as different as it seems
RE: potential conflict and anxiety
- lots of landlords are sort of grouchy, to lack a better term. They will sort complain and push back about stuff, but they aren't really upset, it's just sort of habit. So try not to get too anxious about that. It's often from dealing with lots of small problems and lots of tenants, but just try to stay calm and low key, and just treat the bad attitude like bad weather.
- living with new people is always an insane experiment in trying to have empathy for what they want and the way they do things. Try to reframe "should statements" and black & white rules into preferences:
"You should always lock the door." vs. "I prefer that we always lock the door, because I'm worried that I have my work laptop at home often, and it would be a huge hassle to replace." [One implies that one way is wrong and the other is right, the other acknowledges that there can be competing judgments and goals, but asks for the same outcome.}
"You shouldn't put tupperware in the dishwasher." vs "I'm worried about the plastic getting damaged by the harsh detergent, can you please handwash."
This serves two purposes - (1) it diffuses your anger that they just don't get the obvious rules of nature, by instead framing them as preferences in a relative world and (2) it lets them let go of the other way of doing whatever without being WRONG.
posted by mercredi at 1:30 PM on January 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
This is sort of standard anxiety advice - but please don't worry about /fortune-tell about the future. If some of those things you're worried about do happen, you can worry about them. But you can't handle all of today's worries today.
RE communication:
- gchat/hangouts and skype
- text messages or whatsapp
are both really common all-day forms of communication. I'm hearing and live with hearing roommates, but we regularly use these to talk if we're in different rooms. So some of this won't be as different as it seems
RE: potential conflict and anxiety
- lots of landlords are sort of grouchy, to lack a better term. They will sort complain and push back about stuff, but they aren't really upset, it's just sort of habit. So try not to get too anxious about that. It's often from dealing with lots of small problems and lots of tenants, but just try to stay calm and low key, and just treat the bad attitude like bad weather.
- living with new people is always an insane experiment in trying to have empathy for what they want and the way they do things. Try to reframe "should statements" and black & white rules into preferences:
"You should always lock the door." vs. "I prefer that we always lock the door, because I'm worried that I have my work laptop at home often, and it would be a huge hassle to replace." [One implies that one way is wrong and the other is right, the other acknowledges that there can be competing judgments and goals, but asks for the same outcome.}
"You shouldn't put tupperware in the dishwasher." vs "I'm worried about the plastic getting damaged by the harsh detergent, can you please handwash."
This serves two purposes - (1) it diffuses your anger that they just don't get the obvious rules of nature, by instead framing them as preferences in a relative world and (2) it lets them let go of the other way of doing whatever without being WRONG.
posted by mercredi at 1:30 PM on January 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am not deaf but I do have anxiety issues, and I just wanted to say that even if complications arise, as they no doubt will because there are always some complications, you will be ok! Even if parts of it are stressful, I think you are going to find that there are fewer problems than you thought there would be - and it may wind up being liberating to learn how to live with a hearing person.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:33 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:33 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
On your worry about your new landlord - there's a decent chance that there won't be ANY CRISES AT ALL! I know that sounds improbable to you, given your recent living situation, but a lot of apartments are just fine, and nothing goes particularly wrong, or maybe at some point the oven stops working or something but you let the landlord know and sometime in the next week or so someone comes by to repair or replace the stove.
And I agree with those saying that text communication is not weird for most people in 2018.
posted by mskyle at 2:05 PM on January 9, 2018 [5 favorites]
And I agree with those saying that text communication is not weird for most people in 2018.
posted by mskyle at 2:05 PM on January 9, 2018 [5 favorites]
I am so happy for you! Change can be difficult, especially for those of with anxiety, but this is a great step for you! Along with the other good advice in the thread, are their deaf community meetups on your new side of town? Getting to relax in the community you're used to would be a nice way to ease into living with a hearing person and give you a place where you can relax more and communicate easily.
With your friend, if anything, not paying him rent and having the friendship tied up in the living situation will likely result in a better, more adult, less toxic friendship - if it's meant to be.
Feel you're anxieties, there's nothing wrong with it, but what you're doing is awesome and we're all pulling for you!
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 2:09 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
With your friend, if anything, not paying him rent and having the friendship tied up in the living situation will likely result in a better, more adult, less toxic friendship - if it's meant to be.
Feel you're anxieties, there's nothing wrong with it, but what you're doing is awesome and we're all pulling for you!
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 2:09 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: To answer a few questions, and thanks for the well wishes too!
-I haven't actually been in touch with the roommate, other than meeting him in person last week when I checked out the place (we talked via typing on my iPhone). At that point, I hadn't signed the lease yet. When/if I see him when moving in tonight, I'll ask him for his text #.
-My anxiety is more of with if issues arise, because I truly hate confrontations. I hate having to stand up for myself. When I stand up for myself, it always seems to go wrong; people think I'm overreacting, making a big deal out of nothing, or get upset/defensive. I don't want to sound nitpicky. This roommate has lived at the place for over two years, so I'd feel kind of like I'm "butting in" if I don't like something and talk about it, if that makes any sense.
-My social anxiety makes it hard for me when walking into unexpected situations... one example that makes me break in a small sweat is coming home and seeing him hanging out with friends in the living room. Should I say hi (by waving)? Should I ignore them and go to my room? This isn't such an issue in the deaf community, because I can tell what they're talking about right off the bat and adjust based on that context (i.e., say hello, join in the conversation, or just walk by without saying anything). My fear is that if I do say hi or whatever, my roommate may feel put off, like I interrupted something, or if I say nothing, they'll feel I'm weird, unfriendly, etc., which is not my intention. It's much harder to tell with hearing people because I don't have any context cues, as I can't hear their conversation, and hearing people tend to not use as strong of facial expressions as deaf people do, so that results in misunderstandings. Does that make sense?
-The new place is a 5-minute drive, 10-15 minute walk from where I work, and where alot of deaf people are, so being cut off shouldn't be a problem at all. i.e., no change.
posted by dubious_dude at 2:19 PM on January 9, 2018
-I haven't actually been in touch with the roommate, other than meeting him in person last week when I checked out the place (we talked via typing on my iPhone). At that point, I hadn't signed the lease yet. When/if I see him when moving in tonight, I'll ask him for his text #.
-My anxiety is more of with if issues arise, because I truly hate confrontations. I hate having to stand up for myself. When I stand up for myself, it always seems to go wrong; people think I'm overreacting, making a big deal out of nothing, or get upset/defensive. I don't want to sound nitpicky. This roommate has lived at the place for over two years, so I'd feel kind of like I'm "butting in" if I don't like something and talk about it, if that makes any sense.
-My social anxiety makes it hard for me when walking into unexpected situations... one example that makes me break in a small sweat is coming home and seeing him hanging out with friends in the living room. Should I say hi (by waving)? Should I ignore them and go to my room? This isn't such an issue in the deaf community, because I can tell what they're talking about right off the bat and adjust based on that context (i.e., say hello, join in the conversation, or just walk by without saying anything). My fear is that if I do say hi or whatever, my roommate may feel put off, like I interrupted something, or if I say nothing, they'll feel I'm weird, unfriendly, etc., which is not my intention. It's much harder to tell with hearing people because I don't have any context cues, as I can't hear their conversation, and hearing people tend to not use as strong of facial expressions as deaf people do, so that results in misunderstandings. Does that make sense?
-The new place is a 5-minute drive, 10-15 minute walk from where I work, and where alot of deaf people are, so being cut off shouldn't be a problem at all. i.e., no change.
posted by dubious_dude at 2:19 PM on January 9, 2018
It's fine to establish a "we live together amicably but don't hang out socially" relationship with your roommate. That can work very well, actually.
For your given social-anxiety example of coming home to your roommate hanging out with friends, it's totally fine for even a hearing person to wave silently and otherwise ignore the gathering. Try not to worry about what they think or what they might be saying--I bet your roommate will just say, "Oh, that's my roommate, he's deaf" and their friends will understand why you didn't say hello. Then on later encounters it's even easier, because you've established a routine of "acknowledge but don't linger or chat" and people will already "know" you.
posted by serelliya at 2:33 PM on January 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
For your given social-anxiety example of coming home to your roommate hanging out with friends, it's totally fine for even a hearing person to wave silently and otherwise ignore the gathering. Try not to worry about what they think or what they might be saying--I bet your roommate will just say, "Oh, that's my roommate, he's deaf" and their friends will understand why you didn't say hello. Then on later encounters it's even easier, because you've established a routine of "acknowledge but don't linger or chat" and people will already "know" you.
posted by serelliya at 2:33 PM on January 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
Spin the fact that new roommate has been there awhile to your favor. You can ask him what the landlord is like, what (if any) issues have arisen with the unit in the past, etc. I think it’s great that roomie has been there awhile because most likely he knows how to handle the landlord and issues when they arise and you can learn from him.
posted by Sassyfras at 2:35 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Sassyfras at 2:35 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Just one small bit of advice: my husband and I recently had a short-term roommate, someone new to town needing a place to land for a bit, and I haven't had a roommate I wasn't married to in forever. It turns out that, as reasonable adults (who all have anxiety) it's totally normal to just talk about stuff that might be a problem. Just like, hey, I'm not used to X situation, is it weird if I do Y? You could even pre-emptively institute Roommate Tuesday or whatever where every week you plan some joint cleaning/household tasks and have a little check-in and some pizza - even if it means you're both on laptops in a chat app or similar - and that way you're kind of a team instead of co-satellites orbiting your residence, and any roommate stuff you can deal with calmly and they can help you get acquainted with the area and help you deal with any landlord stuff. That's a great time to plan for the unexpected, like what to do if you arrive while they have friends over, or if there's a household emergency, or something breaks.
There's no reason to assume you're going to have a terrible landlord relationship. There are a bunch of petty annoyances in that relationship - they want to come fix something when you're busy, but you want it fixed, so you have to sit around and wait or whatever - but it's generally in their best interest to a) take care of their property b) not enrage the tenants into destroying their property, so people generally work on putting their best foot forward.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:54 PM on January 9, 2018
There's no reason to assume you're going to have a terrible landlord relationship. There are a bunch of petty annoyances in that relationship - they want to come fix something when you're busy, but you want it fixed, so you have to sit around and wait or whatever - but it's generally in their best interest to a) take care of their property b) not enrage the tenants into destroying their property, so people generally work on putting their best foot forward.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:54 PM on January 9, 2018
Do not share this question with your new roommate. It's too much information.
Just move in. Be yourself.
There will not be any crisis with the new landlord. You can always post here if there is a problem. Enjoy your new home.
posted by jbenben at 3:00 PM on January 9, 2018 [12 favorites]
Just move in. Be yourself.
There will not be any crisis with the new landlord. You can always post here if there is a problem. Enjoy your new home.
posted by jbenben at 3:00 PM on January 9, 2018 [12 favorites]
If there's not a whiteboard in the kitchen already, offer to get one so you can communicate if you don't have electronic devices on you.
I would not share too much of this with him, it's a lot to put on someone new that you're meeting. Just be your best self and hope that things work out well. They probably will. And come back for more advice if you need.
posted by Candleman at 3:11 PM on January 9, 2018 [10 favorites]
I would not share too much of this with him, it's a lot to put on someone new that you're meeting. Just be your best self and hope that things work out well. They probably will. And come back for more advice if you need.
posted by Candleman at 3:11 PM on January 9, 2018 [10 favorites]
I've been following your situation here and I'm so happy for you. I think this is going to be great.
The biggest thing I want to impart to you is that everything will be fine. Yes, there will be hiccups, but there are always hiccups when people live together and it sounds like this is a good situation overall. You will be able to handle anything that comes up.
-My social anxiety makes it hard for me when walking into unexpected situations... one example that makes me break in a small sweat is coming home and seeing him hanging out with friends in the living room. Should I say hi (by waving)? Should I ignore them and go to my room?
Yes! Say hi. Waving briefly is not intrusive.
My fear is that if I do say hi or whatever, my roommate may feel put off, like I interrupted something, or if I say nothing, they'll feel I'm weird, unfriendly, etc., which is not my intention. It's much harder to tell with hearing people because I don't have any context cues, as I can't hear their conversation, and hearing people tend to not use as strong of facial expressions as deaf people do, so that results in misunderstandings. Does that make sense?
That does make sense but as a hearing person, I don't think hearing people will see a friendly wave as intrusive. I do think it would be slightly odd to just go to your room without stopping. (not horrible, just a little odd)
One thing - you may have times that you're not sure what your roommate is trying to communicate. I would urge you to resist the urge to catastrophize this. For instance, let's say your roommate is in an intense conversation with a friend, and you stop in and wave on your way in. Your roommate looks up briefly, waves perfunctorily, and then goes back to the conversation. I think it could be really easy for you to say "oh crap, he's annoyed with me and now will hate me." When in reality, he was just in an intense moment and didn't want to shift focus.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're anxious and this is all new, it will be easy to see every interaction as make-or-break, but that's not really the case. Try to give you and your new roommate some time to get used to each other.
Anyway, again, I think this will be great and we're all rooting for you!
posted by lunasol at 3:17 PM on January 9, 2018 [8 favorites]
The biggest thing I want to impart to you is that everything will be fine. Yes, there will be hiccups, but there are always hiccups when people live together and it sounds like this is a good situation overall. You will be able to handle anything that comes up.
-My social anxiety makes it hard for me when walking into unexpected situations... one example that makes me break in a small sweat is coming home and seeing him hanging out with friends in the living room. Should I say hi (by waving)? Should I ignore them and go to my room?
Yes! Say hi. Waving briefly is not intrusive.
My fear is that if I do say hi or whatever, my roommate may feel put off, like I interrupted something, or if I say nothing, they'll feel I'm weird, unfriendly, etc., which is not my intention. It's much harder to tell with hearing people because I don't have any context cues, as I can't hear their conversation, and hearing people tend to not use as strong of facial expressions as deaf people do, so that results in misunderstandings. Does that make sense?
That does make sense but as a hearing person, I don't think hearing people will see a friendly wave as intrusive. I do think it would be slightly odd to just go to your room without stopping. (not horrible, just a little odd)
One thing - you may have times that you're not sure what your roommate is trying to communicate. I would urge you to resist the urge to catastrophize this. For instance, let's say your roommate is in an intense conversation with a friend, and you stop in and wave on your way in. Your roommate looks up briefly, waves perfunctorily, and then goes back to the conversation. I think it could be really easy for you to say "oh crap, he's annoyed with me and now will hate me." When in reality, he was just in an intense moment and didn't want to shift focus.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're anxious and this is all new, it will be easy to see every interaction as make-or-break, but that's not really the case. Try to give you and your new roommate some time to get used to each other.
Anyway, again, I think this will be great and we're all rooting for you!
posted by lunasol at 3:17 PM on January 9, 2018 [8 favorites]
In case it helps: being anxious when your situation is changing in a major way is totally normal. Many people would be scared, anxious or nervous. For many of us, that's just part of adjusting to a new situation.
So be kind to yourself. You can do this, and you'll do okay. There will be unexpected things, and you'll overcome them somehow, and you'll grow as a person and learn how to deal with more things than you can imagine now.
I think the whiteboard is a great idea. You can use it in so many ways. Shopping lists, small talk, important messages. Maybe try drawing a silly cartoon or doodle now and then just to make your roommate laugh and keep communication going even if there is nothing specific to say. Or you could write down a joke or something about the weather or what have you. That way, using the whiteboard will be something very normal and not heavy or dificult. It'll just be what you guys do.
Most people don't feel that waving hello interrupts a conversation. I think it's always fine to do that when you come home and there's someone there.
If I had a roommate who was deaf, I would likely need a little bit of time to adjust, but I'd probably manage pretty fast... after a while, I'd realise that there are advantages, like: it's pretty great to have a roommate who isn't bothered by noises of any kind.
And you sound like you could be a helpful and thoughtful person to share a house with. In other words, you have things to offer.
It's okay to be anxious; there isn't a right or wrong way to feel, and it'll pass. Best of luck to you, and congratulations on your move. It won't always be easy, but it'll be fine.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:36 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
So be kind to yourself. You can do this, and you'll do okay. There will be unexpected things, and you'll overcome them somehow, and you'll grow as a person and learn how to deal with more things than you can imagine now.
I think the whiteboard is a great idea. You can use it in so many ways. Shopping lists, small talk, important messages. Maybe try drawing a silly cartoon or doodle now and then just to make your roommate laugh and keep communication going even if there is nothing specific to say. Or you could write down a joke or something about the weather or what have you. That way, using the whiteboard will be something very normal and not heavy or dificult. It'll just be what you guys do.
Most people don't feel that waving hello interrupts a conversation. I think it's always fine to do that when you come home and there's someone there.
If I had a roommate who was deaf, I would likely need a little bit of time to adjust, but I'd probably manage pretty fast... after a while, I'd realise that there are advantages, like: it's pretty great to have a roommate who isn't bothered by noises of any kind.
And you sound like you could be a helpful and thoughtful person to share a house with. In other words, you have things to offer.
It's okay to be anxious; there isn't a right or wrong way to feel, and it'll pass. Best of luck to you, and congratulations on your move. It won't always be easy, but it'll be fine.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:36 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maybe put up a few small whiteboards around the house- near the sofa, in the kitchen, on the bedroom door. Use them for quickie communication and friendly little drawings- I used to like it if I came into the kitchen and my roommate had drawn a little smiley face or jokey message to me once in a while for no reason.
My friend is hearing with a Deaf roommate and the only problem she mentioned was sometimes she was unintentionally loud, so I guess try to be aware of placing objects down softly, closing doors gently, and not wearing hard-soled shoes indoors or walking heavily past Roommate's room. Maybe check in once in a while and make sure you're not inadvertently making noise you're unaware of.... better to give them an opportunity to tell you than to let any resentment build. And you should also feel free to tell them if something they do isn't working for you- cohabitating nicely is a two-way street!
In terms of interacting with Roommate's friends, a smile and wave as you go to your room is totally fine.
Try to hang out together in a planned way that's fun every couple weeks- like maybe take turns cooking dinner for each other every second Tuesday or something, have a glass of wine if you roll that way, just chill out. Eating together is a good way to build a friendship and keep things pleasant.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:42 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
My friend is hearing with a Deaf roommate and the only problem she mentioned was sometimes she was unintentionally loud, so I guess try to be aware of placing objects down softly, closing doors gently, and not wearing hard-soled shoes indoors or walking heavily past Roommate's room. Maybe check in once in a while and make sure you're not inadvertently making noise you're unaware of.... better to give them an opportunity to tell you than to let any resentment build. And you should also feel free to tell them if something they do isn't working for you- cohabitating nicely is a two-way street!
In terms of interacting with Roommate's friends, a smile and wave as you go to your room is totally fine.
Try to hang out together in a planned way that's fun every couple weeks- like maybe take turns cooking dinner for each other every second Tuesday or something, have a glass of wine if you roll that way, just chill out. Eating together is a good way to build a friendship and keep things pleasant.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:42 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm so psyched for you! Great job on getting over all the barriers to get this done!
These are all normal concerns, and the truth is that you're gonna have to live with some uncertainty for a while until you know whether the LL is a responsive one or not, and how the new roommate situation is going to work out. We all have those questions when we move somewhere new. There's no way to reliably know. So these aren't abnormal questions, and you shouldn't worry or tell yourself you're damaged goods just because you do have these worries.
The whiteboard sounds like a good idea.
posted by Dashy at 7:21 PM on January 9, 2018
These are all normal concerns, and the truth is that you're gonna have to live with some uncertainty for a while until you know whether the LL is a responsive one or not, and how the new roommate situation is going to work out. We all have those questions when we move somewhere new. There's no way to reliably know. So these aren't abnormal questions, and you shouldn't worry or tell yourself you're damaged goods just because you do have these worries.
The whiteboard sounds like a good idea.
posted by Dashy at 7:21 PM on January 9, 2018
Response by poster: Thanks for the help, everyone. The whiteboard idea is definitely a good one!
I'm back at my old home for the night, because the furnished bed mattress had a big ugly yellow stain on it, so I'm waiting until I get baking soda and vinegar to wipe it off, then cover with a mattress cover, so I can feel safe sleeping on it. Fortunately, I have until Saturday to vacate the old home.
Actually, I felt "homesick" and off all night for the old home. Can you believe it? Even despite the roommates and bad memories, there really were a lot of good memories I had here too (believe it or not), and it's so hard to believe it's over. The new place is nice – sure, there are small issues I'm waiting on the landlord to fix, but that's okay and normal... and so far, my roommate seems nice. He seems very chill and laidback, kind of the opposite of me. Very casual. It's nice having my own bathroom, too. It's just such a different environment than what I'm used to.
However, I'm seriously starting to feel doubts... what if I'd be happier just taking the room with no door/furnace? I really am in my comfort zone with deaf roommates, not having to worry about making noises, and I dunno, I may feel less lonely... I don't know, I just feel so mixed up. As you can probably tell, I don't deal with change well at all. I've been where I'm at for six years, so that's really, really difficult. It's also cheaper at where the no door/furnace bedroom is.
Technically, I guess I could just vacate the new place and occupy the room my current/old landlord is offering... there seems to be a clause in the new place's lease which says:
"The term of the rental will begin on January 9, 2018, and end on XXXX (6 months away).
Landlord may terminate the tenancy or modify the terms of this Agreement by giving the Tenant 30 days' written notice. Tenant may terminate the tenancy by giving the Landlord 30 days' written notice. Upon 30 days’ written notice, Tenant is released from any/all liabilities, including fiscal responsibility for remainder of lease term, and future rent due. There shall be no penalty for early termination by the Tenant."
But that wouldn't be cool to the new landlord, but probably wouldn't really hurt anything, if I just cancelled tomorrow... but I wouldn't want it to hurt my credit. And, I need to be open to change.
God, I'm making myself crazy here! I just hate, hate, hate feeling so mixed up.
posted by dubious_dude at 9:21 PM on January 9, 2018
I'm back at my old home for the night, because the furnished bed mattress had a big ugly yellow stain on it, so I'm waiting until I get baking soda and vinegar to wipe it off, then cover with a mattress cover, so I can feel safe sleeping on it. Fortunately, I have until Saturday to vacate the old home.
Actually, I felt "homesick" and off all night for the old home. Can you believe it? Even despite the roommates and bad memories, there really were a lot of good memories I had here too (believe it or not), and it's so hard to believe it's over. The new place is nice – sure, there are small issues I'm waiting on the landlord to fix, but that's okay and normal... and so far, my roommate seems nice. He seems very chill and laidback, kind of the opposite of me. Very casual. It's nice having my own bathroom, too. It's just such a different environment than what I'm used to.
However, I'm seriously starting to feel doubts... what if I'd be happier just taking the room with no door/furnace? I really am in my comfort zone with deaf roommates, not having to worry about making noises, and I dunno, I may feel less lonely... I don't know, I just feel so mixed up. As you can probably tell, I don't deal with change well at all. I've been where I'm at for six years, so that's really, really difficult. It's also cheaper at where the no door/furnace bedroom is.
Technically, I guess I could just vacate the new place and occupy the room my current/old landlord is offering... there seems to be a clause in the new place's lease which says:
"The term of the rental will begin on January 9, 2018, and end on XXXX (6 months away).
Landlord may terminate the tenancy or modify the terms of this Agreement by giving the Tenant 30 days' written notice. Tenant may terminate the tenancy by giving the Landlord 30 days' written notice. Upon 30 days’ written notice, Tenant is released from any/all liabilities, including fiscal responsibility for remainder of lease term, and future rent due. There shall be no penalty for early termination by the Tenant."
But that wouldn't be cool to the new landlord, but probably wouldn't really hurt anything, if I just cancelled tomorrow... but I wouldn't want it to hurt my credit. And, I need to be open to change.
God, I'm making myself crazy here! I just hate, hate, hate feeling so mixed up.
posted by dubious_dude at 9:21 PM on January 9, 2018
Aw, dubious_dude, you sound like you're falling victim to that whole "better the devil you know than the one you don't" philosophy. Don't buy it! You have written so many questions about the place you're living now - it obviously isn't good for you. If you stick with it I predict you'll be back writing about new problems there soon enough.
If it makes you feel any better, I think feeling homesick, even when you know the place or situation you're in isn't good for you, is totally normal. Heck, I was even a little sad to move out of my foul, moldy apartment in SC just because I'd been there for so long - we all like familiar things! Even when they're shitty familiar things, at least they're shitty in ways we can predict! But that doesn't really mean it's best for you to stick with the shitty thing.
I think you'll feel better once you've made the leap and are no longer in a place where it's possible to back out - just ride it out these next few days (is there anything you can do to distract yourself from this back-and-forth you're in?). You deserve to try something new and give yourself a shot at something better. Good luck!
posted by DingoMutt at 9:41 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
If it makes you feel any better, I think feeling homesick, even when you know the place or situation you're in isn't good for you, is totally normal. Heck, I was even a little sad to move out of my foul, moldy apartment in SC just because I'd been there for so long - we all like familiar things! Even when they're shitty familiar things, at least they're shitty in ways we can predict! But that doesn't really mean it's best for you to stick with the shitty thing.
I think you'll feel better once you've made the leap and are no longer in a place where it's possible to back out - just ride it out these next few days (is there anything you can do to distract yourself from this back-and-forth you're in?). You deserve to try something new and give yourself a shot at something better. Good luck!
posted by DingoMutt at 9:41 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
Your current landlord is deeply problematic for reasons that have been covered extensively here. Jump into a new and better life. It will be different. It will probably even be difficult at first. But getting yourself into a healthier living environment will be better for you in the long run. We're all rooting for you.
posted by Candleman at 10:14 PM on January 9, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 10:14 PM on January 9, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's normal to look more fondly on things from the past. Especially when in a state on anxiety about new things. I'd say give yourself the time and space to adjust. Say to yourself that you'll try the new living situation for a short time and then review, just to help give yourself time to evaluate if it is right for you.
BUT
You gotta put some miles in and give it a chance to work out. I think this could turn out great for you, I really do. But you need to feel that and decide for yourself obviously. It's ok not to feel that straight away. But you have to put the time in to give this life path a chance to be good. Don't ignore big red flags for sure, but also don't discount the positive because you're in a fog of anxiety right now.
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 12:10 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
BUT
You gotta put some miles in and give it a chance to work out. I think this could turn out great for you, I really do. But you need to feel that and decide for yourself obviously. It's ok not to feel that straight away. But you have to put the time in to give this life path a chance to be good. Don't ignore big red flags for sure, but also don't discount the positive because you're in a fog of anxiety right now.
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 12:10 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've read some of your old posts, and all I can say is... YOUR OWN BATHROOM. Your new place has it. Go.
posted by inexorably_forward at 12:20 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by inexorably_forward at 12:20 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
All of the other advice about your new roommate are great. One other thing I wanted to mention; please make sure your landlord supplies you with a smoke/carbon monoxide alarm that is appropriate for you. Not all of them have strobe lights to alert you when they go off. Legally, I believe he is required to do this and he may be unaware.
posted by dancinglamb at 8:15 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by dancinglamb at 8:15 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
That wasn't a home invasion; that was a police raid. You're recasting events in what needs to be your former home. Get out. Let it go. Even if the new place isn't ideal,
you will have your own bathroom, a proper bedroom, and the government will not raid you for unknown reasons. (Did you ever find out why they were raided? Does it really, truly matter?)
Despite the somewhat toxic environment caused by other roommates, he's cool
Your landlord was complicit in the toxic aspects of your please-be-former living situation. It's not something that just happened to him.
It's also cheaper at where the no door/furnace bedroom is.
That's because how illegal and unsafe it is. You don't like change, but you need to learn to like saving your own skin. We encouraged you to get out and now you are! Discomfort comes in many ways. Being unsafe AND anxious versus being slightly anxious for different reasons. You might think there's equal consideration here, but your comfort zone is so dangerous for you. It's time to step outside it.
posted by RainyJay at 9:02 AM on January 10, 2018 [12 favorites]
you will have your own bathroom, a proper bedroom, and the government will not raid you for unknown reasons. (Did you ever find out why they were raided? Does it really, truly matter?)
Despite the somewhat toxic environment caused by other roommates, he's cool
Your landlord was complicit in the toxic aspects of your please-be-former living situation. It's not something that just happened to him.
It's also cheaper at where the no door/furnace bedroom is.
That's because how illegal and unsafe it is. You don't like change, but you need to learn to like saving your own skin. We encouraged you to get out and now you are! Discomfort comes in many ways. Being unsafe AND anxious versus being slightly anxious for different reasons. You might think there's equal consideration here, but your comfort zone is so dangerous for you. It's time to step outside it.
posted by RainyJay at 9:02 AM on January 10, 2018 [12 favorites]
I think the absolute best thing you could do for yourself is spend 6 months in the real-world normal situation you have arranged for yourself already, with your own space with a door and bathroom, and one roommate with whom you have no emotional ties, just a perfectly pleasant businesslike relationship. Please spend six months trying out a calm secure living situation.
I know that you steadfastly refuse to believe your friend is abusive, but please take the six months to get some appropriate distance in your relationship with that person (honestly, once you're a full-blown adult you're better off NOT living with friends unless you are deliberately entering a long-term family-of-choice relationship with them that's going to be legally and financially co-mingled) and recover from your previously exploitative and illegal living circumstances. Part of the reason your anxiety is so bad is that you have lived so insecurely and unsafely. Consider this time to be a form of recovery program from that. Do not back out because you're scared, you've made a commitment and you only have to see it out for six months.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on January 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
I know that you steadfastly refuse to believe your friend is abusive, but please take the six months to get some appropriate distance in your relationship with that person (honestly, once you're a full-blown adult you're better off NOT living with friends unless you are deliberately entering a long-term family-of-choice relationship with them that's going to be legally and financially co-mingled) and recover from your previously exploitative and illegal living circumstances. Part of the reason your anxiety is so bad is that you have lived so insecurely and unsafely. Consider this time to be a form of recovery program from that. Do not back out because you're scared, you've made a commitment and you only have to see it out for six months.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:16 AM on January 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
“Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeing is final” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Any new situation and change are uncomfortable at first until you find your groove and your space. I always give new jobs a few weeks until I feel “at home” on the job - same with a new living arrangement. Soon you’ll find your own routine and way of interacting with your roomie. It may be uncomfortable and awkward at first but each day will be a bit better and you’ll feel more at home. Give it a fair shake. Give it some time. But don’t jump ship due to a few waves or uncertainty.
“Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.” ~Robin Sharma
Change offers the potential for growth. Take this opportunity to grow. Change isn’t a bad thing. You may feel anxious and worried. That’s ok. You won’t always feel that way about your new situation. Your new place will soon be very familiar to you. Again, give it some time. And allow yourself to experience this new beginning for yourself. Allow yourself to live differently.
posted by Sassyfras at 3:01 PM on January 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Any new situation and change are uncomfortable at first until you find your groove and your space. I always give new jobs a few weeks until I feel “at home” on the job - same with a new living arrangement. Soon you’ll find your own routine and way of interacting with your roomie. It may be uncomfortable and awkward at first but each day will be a bit better and you’ll feel more at home. Give it a fair shake. Give it some time. But don’t jump ship due to a few waves or uncertainty.
“Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.” ~Robin Sharma
Change offers the potential for growth. Take this opportunity to grow. Change isn’t a bad thing. You may feel anxious and worried. That’s ok. You won’t always feel that way about your new situation. Your new place will soon be very familiar to you. Again, give it some time. And allow yourself to experience this new beginning for yourself. Allow yourself to live differently.
posted by Sassyfras at 3:01 PM on January 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
First of all, I want to say that I am just SO SO SO PROUD OF YOU!! As soon as I read the headline I was like "please please god let this be who I think it is" and for the first time ever my prayer was answered. Seriously, I am that invested in your life at this point! Moving is going to be GREAT for you even if it's not your favorite thing ever because as other people have noted, you need some space and your former situation has been very very unhealthy and dangerous for you!
So, look, I really empathize with you because you remind me of me. I can analyze things to death, and then the time is up and the decision is made because I didn't take any action because I was so busy thinking about it! I wasted many many years worrying about all the ins and outs of moving across the country. I typed up about 10 AskMe questions that I never actually posted because I knew the answers would be "you just do it". And eventually I got SO TIRED of living where I lived that I just....did it. I put my house on the market and I quit my job and drove across the country and it's a year later and here I am and everything is fine and the dogs made it and I have a job and it was definitely NOT EASY but oh well because I'm here!!
You can do this. It will be so scary. It will be uncomfortable. You're right--some things will be awkward and living with a new person, especially a hearing person, is going to be so strange for a little while. But only for a little while! And for a lot of the time, you'll be in your own room or your own bathroom and you won't have the police raiding you and you will look around and think "holy crap..I DID IT". And the good feeling will outweigh all the anxiety and stuff you worried about. And the thing is, the more you do brave stuff, the braver you get! And the small stuff doesn't seem so scary anymore. And I totally understand that clinical anxiety is more than just a nervous feeling, but I also have so much confidence that you can work past those anxious times and do the thing that's best for you.
Please give the new place a shot! If you want advice or to vent, please feel free to message me--seriously. There was a time in my life that I moved about every 6 months, so I have lived in some weird ass situations and I can help you figure out if something is legitimately weird or within the realm of normal roommate behavior. I am really proud of you for doing this and I think it's going to work out if you can just get through the first bit of discomfort. A week from now it'll be a little easier. 2 weeks will be even easier. 2 months from now you'll be wondering how you ever shared a bathroom for 6 years. I promise!!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 5:02 PM on January 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
So, look, I really empathize with you because you remind me of me. I can analyze things to death, and then the time is up and the decision is made because I didn't take any action because I was so busy thinking about it! I wasted many many years worrying about all the ins and outs of moving across the country. I typed up about 10 AskMe questions that I never actually posted because I knew the answers would be "you just do it". And eventually I got SO TIRED of living where I lived that I just....did it. I put my house on the market and I quit my job and drove across the country and it's a year later and here I am and everything is fine and the dogs made it and I have a job and it was definitely NOT EASY but oh well because I'm here!!
You can do this. It will be so scary. It will be uncomfortable. You're right--some things will be awkward and living with a new person, especially a hearing person, is going to be so strange for a little while. But only for a little while! And for a lot of the time, you'll be in your own room or your own bathroom and you won't have the police raiding you and you will look around and think "holy crap..I DID IT". And the good feeling will outweigh all the anxiety and stuff you worried about. And the thing is, the more you do brave stuff, the braver you get! And the small stuff doesn't seem so scary anymore. And I totally understand that clinical anxiety is more than just a nervous feeling, but I also have so much confidence that you can work past those anxious times and do the thing that's best for you.
Please give the new place a shot! If you want advice or to vent, please feel free to message me--seriously. There was a time in my life that I moved about every 6 months, so I have lived in some weird ass situations and I can help you figure out if something is legitimately weird or within the realm of normal roommate behavior. I am really proud of you for doing this and I think it's going to work out if you can just get through the first bit of discomfort. A week from now it'll be a little easier. 2 weeks will be even easier. 2 months from now you'll be wondering how you ever shared a bathroom for 6 years. I promise!!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 5:02 PM on January 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Hey there! How did today go? Have you talked to your roommate? Are your bathroom things arranged just the way you like them? Are there other anxieties you'd like to walk through? I'm thinking about you and hope things are going well.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 7:06 PM on January 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 7:06 PM on January 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow. Thanks for the replies. I am truly floored by all the support.
I did talk with my roommate more in detail, he seems pretty nice and very chill, definitely different from my current roommates. He seems much more casual... not what I'm used to, but not necessarily a bad thing!
One thing that I'm trying to figure out:
My landlord left behind a queen-sized bed (furnished room), which was very comfortable. When I took off the mattress cover to wash it, the mattress smelled pretty bad and musty, and there were large yellow stains in the middle :\ Not sure if it's body sweat or pee. I'm planning to get a spray bottle and distilled white vinegar, spray, wipe, then sprinkle baking soda on top of the mattress, then put on a new mattress protector that I bought from Target. Should that do the trick? Some tips said to let it dry outside in sunlight, but my room doesn't have a lot of sunlight pouring in, and the patio is too small for the queen bed. I don't want to have to drag the bed outside (and I shouldn't have to). Should my method do okay? The stink already got on some of my clothes and is pretty strong. I'm temporarily staying at my old place until I get the items I need to spray it down and clean it up. Before I removed the mattress cover, the smell was pretty little, however. I'm sensitive to smell, so I should know.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:20 PM on January 10, 2018
I did talk with my roommate more in detail, he seems pretty nice and very chill, definitely different from my current roommates. He seems much more casual... not what I'm used to, but not necessarily a bad thing!
One thing that I'm trying to figure out:
My landlord left behind a queen-sized bed (furnished room), which was very comfortable. When I took off the mattress cover to wash it, the mattress smelled pretty bad and musty, and there were large yellow stains in the middle :\ Not sure if it's body sweat or pee. I'm planning to get a spray bottle and distilled white vinegar, spray, wipe, then sprinkle baking soda on top of the mattress, then put on a new mattress protector that I bought from Target. Should that do the trick? Some tips said to let it dry outside in sunlight, but my room doesn't have a lot of sunlight pouring in, and the patio is too small for the queen bed. I don't want to have to drag the bed outside (and I shouldn't have to). Should my method do okay? The stink already got on some of my clothes and is pretty strong. I'm temporarily staying at my old place until I get the items I need to spray it down and clean it up. Before I removed the mattress cover, the smell was pretty little, however. I'm sensitive to smell, so I should know.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:20 PM on January 10, 2018
If you absolutely have to use this mattress for a while, definitely take those sanitation measures and then purchase a mattress cover, ideally one that is NOT marketed as "breathable" and preferably one designed to protect against wetness and not just allergens. That should keep the smell limited to the mattress and off of you. Definitely double up on mattress coverings too, fitted sheets can be layered and are cheap at the thrift shop.
That being said, mattresses can be purchased for relatively cheaply if you're willing to put in some leg work. Check Craigslist for furniture liquidators listings or even just search for "new mattress". Some will even include a cheap metal frame but I had a mattress on the floor for years and it was totally fine. I got a queen mattress with box spring and frame for about $300 at one of those "going out of business" mattress stores with just a tiny bit of haggling! A brand new mattress will easily last you a decade so they're definitely worth the investment! Good luck 🙂
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:01 PM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
That being said, mattresses can be purchased for relatively cheaply if you're willing to put in some leg work. Check Craigslist for furniture liquidators listings or even just search for "new mattress". Some will even include a cheap metal frame but I had a mattress on the floor for years and it was totally fine. I got a queen mattress with box spring and frame for about $300 at one of those "going out of business" mattress stores with just a tiny bit of haggling! A brand new mattress will easily last you a decade so they're definitely worth the investment! Good luck 🙂
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:01 PM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Would this be ideal? It doesn't seem to be breathable and is waterproof.
https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/bedding-essentials-eva-zippered-mattress-protector/3262139?skuId=43507849
If so, provided I spray the bed with vinegar, let dry, then put baking soda on, THEN put the protector on, that should do the trick?
Also, I don't want to have to wash all my clothes again because the smell is on them... would the source of the smell going away, AND me using a Glade spray in the room, help get rid of the smell?
posted by dubious_dude at 6:51 AM on January 11, 2018
https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/bedding-essentials-eva-zippered-mattress-protector/3262139?skuId=43507849
If so, provided I spray the bed with vinegar, let dry, then put baking soda on, THEN put the protector on, that should do the trick?
Also, I don't want to have to wash all my clothes again because the smell is on them... would the source of the smell going away, AND me using a Glade spray in the room, help get rid of the smell?
posted by dubious_dude at 6:51 AM on January 11, 2018
That looks like the right type of thing but the reviews are terrible... Maybe one slightly more expensive so that it's more durable? It's going to be a complete hassle to put on the mattress too, your new roommate may need to help you. I think your plan of action sounds good! Glade spray isn't the best one but all the Febreze products are really great, I like their version of a plug-in way more; the scents are less artificial and they do a better job at neutralizing the bad odors. I also just got an air purifier for my bedroom from Amazon for like $40 and it's really great with odors (I have two dogs).
I did check the DC Craigslist really quickly and they definitely have queen mattresses posted for $300 (and I guarantee you can talk someone down from that, probably $50 or so)! I know that's a chunk of change but do you think you could save up for a couple months or so? That peace of mind and comfort will be well worth the cost!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:44 AM on January 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I did check the DC Craigslist really quickly and they definitely have queen mattresses posted for $300 (and I guarantee you can talk someone down from that, probably $50 or so)! I know that's a chunk of change but do you think you could save up for a couple months or so? That peace of mind and comfort will be well worth the cost!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 8:44 AM on January 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you're willing to risk a small amount of color fading, putting a little lemon juice into your washing machine as a rinse agent will help with the smell. I'd agree that trying to get a new mattress might be the best thing - if you're comfortable sleeping on a foam mattress, some of them are surprisingly cheap and good and can be delivered by UPS (they come packed down very tightly) so there's no stress over arranging a delivery or trying to rent/borrow a truck.
posted by Candleman at 10:49 PM on January 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Candleman at 10:49 PM on January 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have this mattress protector, and it completely protects against liquid getting through and doesn't feel like sleeping on plastic.
The smell is probably mildew, so it does need as much airing out as you can manage. If you don't have sunlight, do you have a fan?
posted by jeather at 8:05 AM on January 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
The smell is probably mildew, so it does need as much airing out as you can manage. If you don't have sunlight, do you have a fan?
posted by jeather at 8:05 AM on January 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I do have a fan, yes. I ordered this from Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BLPU6UW/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1.
I'll air it out with the fan for a bit, pat distilled white vinegar on it, then sprinkle baking soda on it, THEN cover it with the zipped cover. After that, I'll sprinkle baking soda on, then put on the mattress pad/protector I bought from Target... hopefully, that should do the trick. I also bought this: https://www.amazon.com/Naturally-Activated-Deodorizer-Refrigerator-Eliminator/dp/B000I1UXPS/ref=sr_1_3?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1515789719&sr=1-3&keywords=fridge+it, and will place under the top protector pad, which should then hopefully absorb the whole smell.
Reason I don't want to buy a new mattress because I honestly think I only plan to be there 6 months, and I don't want the hassles of having to move the mattress when I'm done. When I initially moved into the room, the odor really wasn't that noticeable until I pulled the old mattress protector off, so hopefully all my steps should work! The Amazon protector would be zipped up, so it should keep the smell in. I can also buy a plugged in smell neutralizer thing to help if needed.
Any other tips before I do this hopefully tomorrow?
posted by dubious_dude at 12:44 PM on January 12, 2018
I'll air it out with the fan for a bit, pat distilled white vinegar on it, then sprinkle baking soda on it, THEN cover it with the zipped cover. After that, I'll sprinkle baking soda on, then put on the mattress pad/protector I bought from Target... hopefully, that should do the trick. I also bought this: https://www.amazon.com/Naturally-Activated-Deodorizer-Refrigerator-Eliminator/dp/B000I1UXPS/ref=sr_1_3?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1515789719&sr=1-3&keywords=fridge+it, and will place under the top protector pad, which should then hopefully absorb the whole smell.
Reason I don't want to buy a new mattress because I honestly think I only plan to be there 6 months, and I don't want the hassles of having to move the mattress when I'm done. When I initially moved into the room, the odor really wasn't that noticeable until I pulled the old mattress protector off, so hopefully all my steps should work! The Amazon protector would be zipped up, so it should keep the smell in. I can also buy a plugged in smell neutralizer thing to help if needed.
Any other tips before I do this hopefully tomorrow?
posted by dubious_dude at 12:44 PM on January 12, 2018
This plan sounds perfect! Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:51 PM on January 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:51 PM on January 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by dywypi at 1:12 PM on January 9, 2018