Should I confront a few people for talking behind my back?
January 1, 2018 9:57 AM Subscribe
I know that I'm the butt of a running joke between two acquaintances who take pictures of me on Snapchat when I see them and share them with each other. I am assuming that they have other things to say about me. Its the insidious type of mean girl behavior. How do I get them to stop and should I let them know that I know what's going on?
In what context are you seeing these people? Because I'd just peace out and never talk to these people again. But if it's at work or something, that's different.
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:04 AM on January 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:04 AM on January 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
I agree - unless they're coworkers who you can't avoid, just go no-contact with these people. You don't need two-faced bullies in your life.
If they're coworkers, go as low-contact as possible - only the minimum needed for workplace courtesy and teamwork.
Don't feel like abusive people are "any port in a storm" - if you feel like you cling to people because otherwise you'd be alone, work on finding yourself an accepting community of friends, whether through church/synagogue, board games, political activism, or what have you. When you have good friends who will treat you decently and love you for who you are, it's easier to "Bye, Felicia" the bad apples.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
If they're coworkers, go as low-contact as possible - only the minimum needed for workplace courtesy and teamwork.
Don't feel like abusive people are "any port in a storm" - if you feel like you cling to people because otherwise you'd be alone, work on finding yourself an accepting community of friends, whether through church/synagogue, board games, political activism, or what have you. When you have good friends who will treat you decently and love you for who you are, it's easier to "Bye, Felicia" the bad apples.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:11 AM on January 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'd just totally unfriend them -- in real life, on social, etc. If they ask, then I'd answer honestly, along the lines of "Being friends with you is deeply unpleasant." No need for a big to-do -- these people are garbage.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:17 AM on January 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:17 AM on January 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
If you see one of them and she takes a picture, call it what it is. Are you taking my picture to make mean comments? That's creepy and gross. You deserve better and actual friends.
posted by theora55 at 10:18 AM on January 1, 2018 [32 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 10:18 AM on January 1, 2018 [32 favorites]
You can't control other people's behavior, so don't even try to get them to stop. Their behavior reflects poorly on them, not you.
If I was in a similar position and stuck dealing with them, I'd probably be a bit snarky next time I saw one of the offending parties: "oh hey X! Y is going to hate my hat/new hair color /whatever they pick on!" And walk away. But that's probably just throwing gas on the fire, which it doesn't sound like you want (nor should you).
Ignoring the behavior is probably the safest course of action, roll your eyes or shrug your shoulders if anyone mentions it to you.
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:20 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
If I was in a similar position and stuck dealing with them, I'd probably be a bit snarky next time I saw one of the offending parties: "oh hey X! Y is going to hate my hat/new hair color /whatever they pick on!" And walk away. But that's probably just throwing gas on the fire, which it doesn't sound like you want (nor should you).
Ignoring the behavior is probably the safest course of action, roll your eyes or shrug your shoulders if anyone mentions it to you.
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:20 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think it's okay to say something to them. "I know you're taking pictures to share and talk behind my back. Why would you do that? It makes me very uncomfortable and I'd like it to stop. That's not what friends do."
You can ask them to stop but trying to *make* them stop will likely create a lot of drama for you. Say what you need to say and then avoid, avoid, avoid. Put your energy into finding good friends who are supportive and genuine.
posted by bunderful at 10:28 AM on January 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
You can ask them to stop but trying to *make* them stop will likely create a lot of drama for you. Say what you need to say and then avoid, avoid, avoid. Put your energy into finding good friends who are supportive and genuine.
posted by bunderful at 10:28 AM on January 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
What are they, five?????!!!!!
This is so childish.
Yeah, I would let them know that you know if you can do so in an offhand way. Act bored when you do.
Because this is immature and they are immature for doing it. You maturely laugh to yourself at their ridiculousity and go on being your awesome self.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:44 AM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is so childish.
Yeah, I would let them know that you know if you can do so in an offhand way. Act bored when you do.
Because this is immature and they are immature for doing it. You maturely laugh to yourself at their ridiculousity and go on being your awesome self.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:44 AM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
That is awful. These are clearly garbage people.
If this is happening at work, it's harassment. Without knowing what kind of organization you work for, it's hard to say whether or not it would be worth reporting to your manager. But, as a manager myself, I would definitely want to know this was happening. If I couldn't take concrete measures against them, I could probably rearrange things to help you minimize contact with them. And, there would definitely be consequences for them, however indirect. These are not the kind of people I would want having a long-term future in my organization.
Otherwise, the advice to ignore and avoid is probably the best. If anyone asks you about it, roll your eyes and say something along the lines of "yeah, it's hurtful, but hopefully they'll find better things to do soon." Anything else is likely to create more drama and make the situation more exciting to them.
posted by rpfields at 10:49 AM on January 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
If this is happening at work, it's harassment. Without knowing what kind of organization you work for, it's hard to say whether or not it would be worth reporting to your manager. But, as a manager myself, I would definitely want to know this was happening. If I couldn't take concrete measures against them, I could probably rearrange things to help you minimize contact with them. And, there would definitely be consequences for them, however indirect. These are not the kind of people I would want having a long-term future in my organization.
Otherwise, the advice to ignore and avoid is probably the best. If anyone asks you about it, roll your eyes and say something along the lines of "yeah, it's hurtful, but hopefully they'll find better things to do soon." Anything else is likely to create more drama and make the situation more exciting to them.
posted by rpfields at 10:49 AM on January 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
should I let them know that I know what's going on?
only if that would be fun for you
posted by thelonius at 11:58 AM on January 1, 2018 [24 favorites]
only if that would be fun for you
posted by thelonius at 11:58 AM on January 1, 2018 [24 favorites]
Even if you got them to stop, they’re still the type of people who take pictures of people to make fun of them on social media. No way do they deserve your friendship!
I would not talk to them anymore. If they notice and ask why, I would probably tell them you know they make fun of you and you find that really unkind and you don’t want to be around them anymore. I wouldn’t make this an argument or a big emotional scene. I’d just say it flatly and leave/hang up/stop texting forever.
posted by kapers at 12:04 PM on January 1, 2018
I would not talk to them anymore. If they notice and ask why, I would probably tell them you know they make fun of you and you find that really unkind and you don’t want to be around them anymore. I wouldn’t make this an argument or a big emotional scene. I’d just say it flatly and leave/hang up/stop texting forever.
posted by kapers at 12:04 PM on January 1, 2018
Sounds like you’ve already kept them at arm’s length as acquaintances rather than friends (good call). It would help to know what outside circumstance forces you into regular contact with these dolts — are they colleagues or fellow participants in a hobby? Are they friends-of-friends you run into at parties?
The thing about people at the acquaintance level is, you often find yourself forced to interact with them to make things easier for someone else (the boss, the mutual friend, the sports team, the theatre troupe). If this is what’s happening, it makes this pair even more pathetic for obsessing about you in their virtual Burn Book. It’s one thing to gossip about people you’re close to, but fixating on someone you barely know? Ew.
I was recently in a situation where I could have (and probably should have) told someone, “Hey, I KNOW you’re not covertly taking pictures of people (in their bathing suits, in this case) without their knowledge or consent in order to share them publicly on social media, I mean, surely you know better than that.” I didn’t speak up, and sure enough the person did exactly those things, and I wish I had the guts to stand up to her before the damage was done.
You know, based on your own surrounding circumstances, whether you can safely call these two out when you see them reaching for their phones. If you’re feeling really bold and have little to lose, maybe you can breezily say something like, “Wait, are you and Rosenkrantz honestly still doing your little Snapchat Burn Book thing?” And then tut at them. They might be properly shamed, or not, or just embarrassed enough to try to cover it with more junior-high antics.
If they’re just friends of friends, it’s worth telling the mutual friends what’s going on and why you’ll be avoiding their company. If they’re colleagues or fellow participants in some activity, it’s murkier, but you’re probably not the only one they’re mistreating, so calling them out would be heroic indeed. This is one of those “missing stair” problems in a group; it can poison an entire office, team, or clique, just because nobody wants to make the a-holes feel bad.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
posted by armeowda at 3:05 PM on January 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
The thing about people at the acquaintance level is, you often find yourself forced to interact with them to make things easier for someone else (the boss, the mutual friend, the sports team, the theatre troupe). If this is what’s happening, it makes this pair even more pathetic for obsessing about you in their virtual Burn Book. It’s one thing to gossip about people you’re close to, but fixating on someone you barely know? Ew.
I was recently in a situation where I could have (and probably should have) told someone, “Hey, I KNOW you’re not covertly taking pictures of people (in their bathing suits, in this case) without their knowledge or consent in order to share them publicly on social media, I mean, surely you know better than that.” I didn’t speak up, and sure enough the person did exactly those things, and I wish I had the guts to stand up to her before the damage was done.
You know, based on your own surrounding circumstances, whether you can safely call these two out when you see them reaching for their phones. If you’re feeling really bold and have little to lose, maybe you can breezily say something like, “Wait, are you and Rosenkrantz honestly still doing your little Snapchat Burn Book thing?” And then tut at them. They might be properly shamed, or not, or just embarrassed enough to try to cover it with more junior-high antics.
If they’re just friends of friends, it’s worth telling the mutual friends what’s going on and why you’ll be avoiding their company. If they’re colleagues or fellow participants in some activity, it’s murkier, but you’re probably not the only one they’re mistreating, so calling them out would be heroic indeed. This is one of those “missing stair” problems in a group; it can poison an entire office, team, or clique, just because nobody wants to make the a-holes feel bad.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
posted by armeowda at 3:05 PM on January 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Dump them. Seriously, you will make better friends once you let go of these.
posted by SLC Mom at 5:12 PM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by SLC Mom at 5:12 PM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I tend to think that it's worth letting them know that you know, and possibly worth letting others know. First off, because if they are young and immature, it's possible that mere discovery will shame them into stopping (still friend-dump them, though, that's the consequence). And second, because, as armeowda seems to suggest upthread, we have a kind of social responsibility to stand up to stuff like this. You're the one who's right - they're the ones who are doing the kicking-a-kitten level despicable stuff. They can make fun of you if they like, but they can't change that fact, and despite what it seems on the internet, most people understand that.
I like bunderful's script, but I also think you should ghost on them after you deliver it - there's no coming back from that kind of petty spite, even if they improve their behavior. And I think that if people ask why you no longer want to hang out with the poison-pots, you should tell them calmly exactly what's been going on. Let me tell you, if I found out that a friend of mine were doing that, they wouldn't be my friend much longer. We need to protect our social networks from toxic behavior like this.
posted by Frowner at 6:12 AM on January 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
I like bunderful's script, but I also think you should ghost on them after you deliver it - there's no coming back from that kind of petty spite, even if they improve their behavior. And I think that if people ask why you no longer want to hang out with the poison-pots, you should tell them calmly exactly what's been going on. Let me tell you, if I found out that a friend of mine were doing that, they wouldn't be my friend much longer. We need to protect our social networks from toxic behavior like this.
posted by Frowner at 6:12 AM on January 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you know because a 3rd party has received the messages then have them send you a screenshot. Snapchat it to the mean girls with "lol these bitches are at it again, it's like they're fucking five!" then follow up with "whoops didn't mean to send to you guys!"
You will no longer be friends but you will have the satisfaction of giving them that stomach lurch when they realise people know they are horrible and immature.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 2:20 PM on January 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
You will no longer be friends but you will have the satisfaction of giving them that stomach lurch when they realise people know they are horrible and immature.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 2:20 PM on January 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would ghost these people so hard that they'd feel my icy breath as I sped past them out into the moonlit night
posted by fairlynearlyready at 4:23 PM on January 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 4:23 PM on January 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
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