What's best for a child being raised by a family member?
October 26, 2017 7:50 AM Subscribe
Looking for articles, anecdotes, etc. on the impact to a child of calling the aunt who is raising him/her "mom" (or "auntie", which poses different challenges), and also when to explain the death of a mother to a child who never knew her.
In January my half-sister died leaving behind a infant son. He is being raised by my half-sister's other half-sister (no relation to me, and now one of my heroes, providing for him a warm and loving home with many good role models surrounding him). She hasn't fully decided what the child should call her ("auntie" vs. "mom") and I support whatever she decides. I also said I'd look into it to see if there were any studies on the impact of either choice.
She and I have talked about all of this openly but neither of us have experience. On the one hand, she would like to honor our sister by reserving "mom" to use to reference his birth mother later on. On the other hand, and just as one example, the child's father is not in the picture and it seems like it would be quite rough to grow up with all of the kids around you referring to their "mom" and "dad" when you have neither, yet being too young to understand why. There are a ton of other similar concerns but you get the picture. And once she decides on what she'd prefer to be called, what age (or set of milestones reached) is appropriate to begin explaining to the child that the person raising him is actually his aunt (if she goes by "mom") or that his mom died (if she goes by "auntie")? He was 6 weeks old when his mother died and will be turning 1 year old next month, so there's not a rush on the second part of this question, more for preparation.
Any studies, writings, or anecdotes to provide some guidance would be much appreciated. I'll be showing her this thread as well.
In January my half-sister died leaving behind a infant son. He is being raised by my half-sister's other half-sister (no relation to me, and now one of my heroes, providing for him a warm and loving home with many good role models surrounding him). She hasn't fully decided what the child should call her ("auntie" vs. "mom") and I support whatever she decides. I also said I'd look into it to see if there were any studies on the impact of either choice.
She and I have talked about all of this openly but neither of us have experience. On the one hand, she would like to honor our sister by reserving "mom" to use to reference his birth mother later on. On the other hand, and just as one example, the child's father is not in the picture and it seems like it would be quite rough to grow up with all of the kids around you referring to their "mom" and "dad" when you have neither, yet being too young to understand why. There are a ton of other similar concerns but you get the picture. And once she decides on what she'd prefer to be called, what age (or set of milestones reached) is appropriate to begin explaining to the child that the person raising him is actually his aunt (if she goes by "mom") or that his mom died (if she goes by "auntie")? He was 6 weeks old when his mother died and will be turning 1 year old next month, so there's not a rush on the second part of this question, more for preparation.
Any studies, writings, or anecdotes to provide some guidance would be much appreciated. I'll be showing her this thread as well.
I'm very sorry for your families loss.
My daughter has an unusual 'origin' story as well, and I have always been 100% honest with her about it. This was encouraged by the professionals involved, and maybe it feels a bit weird explaining things to a baby, but it meant by the time she knew any of the words, I was good at saying them. We reinforce her 'story' by retelling it in an age appropriate way. Are there awkward moments? sad moments? funny moments? Heck yes. But there are those moments in any family. My daughter has heard 'A long time ago there was a little family....' literally 100s of times. There was no scary/reveal, there was just a transition into newly age appropriate questions, with I'm sure, many more to come. This strategy has worked well for us, and I would never choose another route.
Given that biological Aunt will be raising him for all intents and purposes as 'mom', I think calling her 'Mom' is entirely appropriate. Saving a special name 'Mommy Susan' (just an example, statistically unlikely this was in fact your sisters name) for his biological mom is a great idea. In some cultures 'Auntie' is used as an honorific fairly broadly, so depending on where you are, if you chose not to use 'Mom' then it might be worth looking for a more specific term (a cultural name for Mom perhaps) to delineate this relationship as special (as it is). The child ,as they get old enough decide on their own term, and might change their mind several times as they get old enough to really genuinely understand the story.
posted by Northbysomewhatcrazy at 8:25 AM on October 26, 2017 [14 favorites]
My daughter has an unusual 'origin' story as well, and I have always been 100% honest with her about it. This was encouraged by the professionals involved, and maybe it feels a bit weird explaining things to a baby, but it meant by the time she knew any of the words, I was good at saying them. We reinforce her 'story' by retelling it in an age appropriate way. Are there awkward moments? sad moments? funny moments? Heck yes. But there are those moments in any family. My daughter has heard 'A long time ago there was a little family....' literally 100s of times. There was no scary/reveal, there was just a transition into newly age appropriate questions, with I'm sure, many more to come. This strategy has worked well for us, and I would never choose another route.
Given that biological Aunt will be raising him for all intents and purposes as 'mom', I think calling her 'Mom' is entirely appropriate. Saving a special name 'Mommy Susan' (just an example, statistically unlikely this was in fact your sisters name) for his biological mom is a great idea. In some cultures 'Auntie' is used as an honorific fairly broadly, so depending on where you are, if you chose not to use 'Mom' then it might be worth looking for a more specific term (a cultural name for Mom perhaps) to delineate this relationship as special (as it is). The child ,as they get old enough decide on their own term, and might change their mind several times as they get old enough to really genuinely understand the story.
posted by Northbysomewhatcrazy at 8:25 AM on October 26, 2017 [14 favorites]
I have family who went through a similar situation, though later. If she is planning to parent this child into adulthood—if the dad doesn’t seem to be returning to the picture anytime soon, or if she is planning on going through adoption proceedings—I think that a Mom-like name is 100% reasonable. She will be the child’s parent, and that doesn’t take anything away from the Mom that gave birth. I also think that an auntie-like name is reasonable and does not take anything away from the relationship that she is developing with the kiddo.
I’d say that the most important thing is to take the kid’s lead on the name. He’s super little now, but may want to change the name later, no matter what she picks. He will be negotiating his place in the world with those names, and neither is disrespectful.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:32 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I’d say that the most important thing is to take the kid’s lead on the name. He’s super little now, but may want to change the name later, no matter what she picks. He will be negotiating his place in the world with those names, and neither is disrespectful.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:32 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
He's at the age where he's going to be saying his first words soon, if he hasn't already. For many babies, worldwide, the first word is some version of mama. He will probably use it for your sister of his own accord. He will never meet his biological mother. Your sister is his mother/mom/mama, unless she considers this a temporary thing, in which case auntie is more appropriate.
posted by mareli at 8:45 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by mareli at 8:45 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
In the same way that a child who is adopted has the right to call their non-biological parents Mom and Dad, I feel that this child also should be allowed to call your half-sister's sister Mom. Adoption forums might be a good source for looking into studies, unfortunately I have nothing in that regard.
On a related note, at a young age, explaining it as his Tummy Mommy, the mom who carried him and birthed him, would be respectful and make a clear distinguishing line between Mom, who takes care of him, and Mom, whose stomach he grew in.
posted by valoius at 8:53 AM on October 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
On a related note, at a young age, explaining it as his Tummy Mommy, the mom who carried him and birthed him, would be respectful and make a clear distinguishing line between Mom, who takes care of him, and Mom, whose stomach he grew in.
posted by valoius at 8:53 AM on October 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
The Biden sons referred to their late mother as "Mommy" and to Jill Biden as "Mom." They were, of course, old enough to have some memory of their Mommy, the late Neilia Biden.
I've read a blog and twitter posts by a man who married a woman widowed on 9/11, when she was pregnant. Her son by her late husband refers to him as "Father." I don't know what he calls his stepfather, the only father he has known, but I gather that it's "Dad."
posted by jgirl at 9:25 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I've read a blog and twitter posts by a man who married a woman widowed on 9/11, when she was pregnant. Her son by her late husband refers to him as "Father." I don't know what he calls his stepfather, the only father he has known, but I gather that it's "Dad."
posted by jgirl at 9:25 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
My oldest daughter's father died when she was two years old. My partner at the time (later, my husband) agreed not to try to take his place, and she's always called her stepfather by his first name. I feel it's created a rift between them, especially since her younger sister calls him Dad.
If I could go back and change things, I'd have her call my husband Dad, and her bio-father by another name. We were always up front with the details; nobody was hiding anything from her, and I wouldn't want to change that. But I think both of them have suffered a bit by not having the label that says "family." Having a caretaker named "Auntie" might mitigate that, but I'd still vote for "Mom," and as the child gets old enough to understand, the full details can be explained.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:29 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
If I could go back and change things, I'd have her call my husband Dad, and her bio-father by another name. We were always up front with the details; nobody was hiding anything from her, and I wouldn't want to change that. But I think both of them have suffered a bit by not having the label that says "family." Having a caretaker named "Auntie" might mitigate that, but I'd still vote for "Mom," and as the child gets old enough to understand, the full details can be explained.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:29 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I have a friend raising her nephew - she is his auntmom. (His parents are both still alive, but not in a position to take good care of the kid: my friend has primary custody.)
There's some times it's a little awkward or tricky, but it's also given her an opening to more easily have conversations with schools/activities/etc. so they're aware of the family dynamics, where if she were called just Mom, it might not be.
Alternately, I have friends in a polyamorous household who are Mama, Mommy, Daddy, and Da respectively, which also works fine. The kids are very clear on which parent they expect to get responding, even the 1 year old.
posted by modernhypatia at 10:38 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
There's some times it's a little awkward or tricky, but it's also given her an opening to more easily have conversations with schools/activities/etc. so they're aware of the family dynamics, where if she were called just Mom, it might not be.
Alternately, I have friends in a polyamorous household who are Mama, Mommy, Daddy, and Da respectively, which also works fine. The kids are very clear on which parent they expect to get responding, even the 1 year old.
posted by modernhypatia at 10:38 AM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
In my family, one mother figure ended up with the title "Auntie Mummy," and there's another in a similar position whose kid calls her "TaTa." Sometimes special relationships get special names.
posted by zennie at 10:44 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by zennie at 10:44 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
I vote for a variant of mommy or mama for both his bio-mom and his parenting-mom. He can still have the connection to his bio-mom without losing the closeness to his auntie who, for all intents and purposes, is and will forever be his mother.
posted by lydhre at 11:25 AM on October 26, 2017
posted by lydhre at 11:25 AM on October 26, 2017
One thing they do for adopted children here in the UK is life story work. Part of the process is a nicely presented book with age - appropriate descriptions of the child's life so far, information and photos from birth families etc. It seems to be really cherished by the fostered/ adopted children I know, and means that as far as possible, there's no big revelations to the child and they don't have a big shock coming.
Im going to nth the advice that both are referred to as some type of mom name.
posted by threetwentytwo at 12:01 PM on October 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
Im going to nth the advice that both are referred to as some type of mom name.
posted by threetwentytwo at 12:01 PM on October 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
I don't have a problem saying that I have two moms. One mom is my birth mother. The other mom is my adopted mom who was my parent from infancy. If the sister is planning to formally adopt the child and the child is an infant, I don't think there is harm in taking on the "mom" name and that will feel most natural to the child at an early age and there can be room for nuance later. Practicing the child's birth story will be important. I always knew I was adopted because my parents regularly told me my adoption story. I also had some mementos from that time that were kept special for me - a doll, a piece of infant jewelry. Thinking about that origin story now will help her in the not-too-distant future when kids want to know where they come from and what their story is. Luckily, today, people are far more open about non-traditional origins - blended families, adoptions, surrogacy. As long as she is open and honest, she'll be okay and so will the kid.
posted by amanda at 12:24 PM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by amanda at 12:24 PM on October 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone - I'll wait to mark best answers until I show this to her (could be a week or so), but your thoughtful responses are much appreciated. I personally like the idea of referring to his birth mother as some variant of "Mommy ______" as a contrast to calling her "Mom", and I also like the advice to present it consistently as part of his story and modifying to age-appropriate levels as he grows up. Maybe a combination of photo book and mementos to look at regularly. There would be some healing for all of his aunts and uncles in creating that for him as well.
posted by mireille at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by mireille at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
We took our daughter in as a foster child when she was three months and adopted her at two. She's now ten. We have an open adoption, which is rare with adoptions through foster care. We have no idea who her father is, but we know and see her mom who is currently in jail on drug charges.
Before my husband and I adopted I read everything I could find by people who were adopted and the main lesson I came away with was to tell the truth and remain open. So, we've done that. I've been talking about adoption with my daughter since she was tiny. As she's grown, she's learned more and more about her story. Now she knows that her mom couldn't raise her because of heroin addiction and that she's in jail. There's plenty more for her to learn. Sigh.
When she was younger I used to tell her that her mom couldn't take care of her because she was sick, but then she asked me what would happen if I got sick and I realized I needed to tell her the truth.
I would tell your sister to have the child call her mom. The child is going to need a mom. I would think of this as a family adoption. My daughter has a half-sister being raised by her grandmother and she has no one to call mom and it just sucks on a daily basis. You can't imagine how much questions about your mom come up for kids.
Also, in terms of letting the child know, I would start now. I would tell him good stories about his mom regularly. And every once in a while I would tell him, "Your mom loved you soooo much, but she died so I became your mom." I would just make it part of his life. When he gets a little older, you tell him a little more and then at some point he'll have questions and you answer those at an age-appropriate level.
We call our daughter's mom Mommy Pam. We don't call her the biological mother. Our daughter has two moms. It's her story. It's complicated, but it's the truth. In no way has it affected her bonding with me. It's like I'm Mom with a capital M. Sometimes she's sad and wishes Mommy Pam could have raised her and I totally get that and let her have those feelings without being threatened.
My goal with my daughter is to have her work through as much of these things as naturally as she can so that she doesn't wake up at 18 going, "Oh shit I'm adopted and my mom's a heroin addict." I also don't want her to wonder about her mom and what she's like.
We have been so well-served by the Truth, in age-appropriate doses, woven into our daily lives. I think that's the way to go, said the random stranger on the internet.
posted by orsonet at 5:24 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Before my husband and I adopted I read everything I could find by people who were adopted and the main lesson I came away with was to tell the truth and remain open. So, we've done that. I've been talking about adoption with my daughter since she was tiny. As she's grown, she's learned more and more about her story. Now she knows that her mom couldn't raise her because of heroin addiction and that she's in jail. There's plenty more for her to learn. Sigh.
When she was younger I used to tell her that her mom couldn't take care of her because she was sick, but then she asked me what would happen if I got sick and I realized I needed to tell her the truth.
I would tell your sister to have the child call her mom. The child is going to need a mom. I would think of this as a family adoption. My daughter has a half-sister being raised by her grandmother and she has no one to call mom and it just sucks on a daily basis. You can't imagine how much questions about your mom come up for kids.
Also, in terms of letting the child know, I would start now. I would tell him good stories about his mom regularly. And every once in a while I would tell him, "Your mom loved you soooo much, but she died so I became your mom." I would just make it part of his life. When he gets a little older, you tell him a little more and then at some point he'll have questions and you answer those at an age-appropriate level.
We call our daughter's mom Mommy Pam. We don't call her the biological mother. Our daughter has two moms. It's her story. It's complicated, but it's the truth. In no way has it affected her bonding with me. It's like I'm Mom with a capital M. Sometimes she's sad and wishes Mommy Pam could have raised her and I totally get that and let her have those feelings without being threatened.
My goal with my daughter is to have her work through as much of these things as naturally as she can so that she doesn't wake up at 18 going, "Oh shit I'm adopted and my mom's a heroin addict." I also don't want her to wonder about her mom and what she's like.
We have been so well-served by the Truth, in age-appropriate doses, woven into our daily lives. I think that's the way to go, said the random stranger on the internet.
posted by orsonet at 5:24 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You sound like very thoughtful and loving sisters. I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by quince at 8:13 AM on October 26, 2017 [36 favorites]