Am I spending my free time frivolously?
July 19, 2017 12:00 AM Subscribe
I can't tell if once I clock out I'm happy or just sleepwalking.
I recently got a new job that is fairly intense and focused (lots of mental work) but has a good work/life balance focus such that I'm rarely in the office more than 40 hrs/wk. There are perks like an easily accessible commuter shuttle. My commute is over an hour each way. This is not totally uncommon (thus the shuttle) but many of my coworkers express surprise or (feigned?) shock at the killer commute. However, I really don't mind commuting. I chose where I live for personal reasons and I am happier there than I would be living closer, and I've always enjoyed being in a moving vehicle, looking out the window and reading or listening to podcasts or daydreaming. Sometimes I even nap on the way home so I'm more refreshed when I see my partner. (I like to pack a travel pillow in my bag.) I'm quite happy with the arrangement, which to me feels like built in introvert recharge time.
I do realize that I spend a lot of my free time sort of frittering it away, however. There's the aforementioned reading/podcast listening/daydreaming. But we also cook simple dinners, and I usually go to bed early (still a night owl on an early bird schedule). So a lot of my time outside work is purely relaxing, not many chores or personal projects. I occasionally go to sports games or to the pub with my partner to play trivia, and we like to travel and visit our friends and families. I catch up with people on the phone (not many friends in this area yet). But I don't play a musical instrument, or make art, or anything like that. To make things worse I work in tech where people say that if you don't have projects outside of your day job, you're not a REAL developer (where is your passion??) etc. I've always enjoyed working institutionally and spend my time learning new things rather than building or working on ambitious personal projects.
I worry that I'm actually kind of lazy and isolated and should be... doing more with my personal time. I feel I have a "rich inner life" and don't always crave more. I enjoy spending time with my partner but even when we had no commute a big chunk of our weeknight evenings was quiet decompressing so we're not missing much there. (I prefer spending planned quality time tbh.) I would like more friends in the area, so perhaps I should do more activities. But I'm mostly happy. One of my most perfect, happiest memories ever was sitting in a restaurant alone with a book, eating a rack of ribs and drinking a perfect margarita and reading some kind of detective story. I reeeaaally enjoy those moments of blissful solitude.
Am I missing something here? Is this how normal people spend their evenings? Should I be more productive, and is my love of my commute somehow dysfunctional? I'm not sure but I don't know many other adults with professional jobs so I would love to hear some feedback. I feel a little weird about how much I love to be alone.
I recently got a new job that is fairly intense and focused (lots of mental work) but has a good work/life balance focus such that I'm rarely in the office more than 40 hrs/wk. There are perks like an easily accessible commuter shuttle. My commute is over an hour each way. This is not totally uncommon (thus the shuttle) but many of my coworkers express surprise or (feigned?) shock at the killer commute. However, I really don't mind commuting. I chose where I live for personal reasons and I am happier there than I would be living closer, and I've always enjoyed being in a moving vehicle, looking out the window and reading or listening to podcasts or daydreaming. Sometimes I even nap on the way home so I'm more refreshed when I see my partner. (I like to pack a travel pillow in my bag.) I'm quite happy with the arrangement, which to me feels like built in introvert recharge time.
I do realize that I spend a lot of my free time sort of frittering it away, however. There's the aforementioned reading/podcast listening/daydreaming. But we also cook simple dinners, and I usually go to bed early (still a night owl on an early bird schedule). So a lot of my time outside work is purely relaxing, not many chores or personal projects. I occasionally go to sports games or to the pub with my partner to play trivia, and we like to travel and visit our friends and families. I catch up with people on the phone (not many friends in this area yet). But I don't play a musical instrument, or make art, or anything like that. To make things worse I work in tech where people say that if you don't have projects outside of your day job, you're not a REAL developer (where is your passion??) etc. I've always enjoyed working institutionally and spend my time learning new things rather than building or working on ambitious personal projects.
I worry that I'm actually kind of lazy and isolated and should be... doing more with my personal time. I feel I have a "rich inner life" and don't always crave more. I enjoy spending time with my partner but even when we had no commute a big chunk of our weeknight evenings was quiet decompressing so we're not missing much there. (I prefer spending planned quality time tbh.) I would like more friends in the area, so perhaps I should do more activities. But I'm mostly happy. One of my most perfect, happiest memories ever was sitting in a restaurant alone with a book, eating a rack of ribs and drinking a perfect margarita and reading some kind of detective story. I reeeaaally enjoy those moments of blissful solitude.
Am I missing something here? Is this how normal people spend their evenings? Should I be more productive, and is my love of my commute somehow dysfunctional? I'm not sure but I don't know many other adults with professional jobs so I would love to hear some feedback. I feel a little weird about how much I love to be alone.
I once had a commute which included a 90 minute each way train journey.
It was bliss.
Even walking through an empty city at 5am to catch the train was divine.
You may not be normal, you may be missing out, but you are certainly not alone.
posted by fullerine at 12:13 AM on July 19, 2017 [2 favorites]
It was bliss.
Even walking through an empty city at 5am to catch the train was divine.
You may not be normal, you may be missing out, but you are certainly not alone.
posted by fullerine at 12:13 AM on July 19, 2017 [2 favorites]
Short answer: No.
Long answer: Why would you want to change an established pattern/routine that works for you and makes you happy, because it doesn't seem to make other people equally so? Is your work/personal life suffering? Has your partner complained about the quiet time? Do you think there's a gap in your life because you take it slower and don't need to have a big, busy social life?
Don't fix what's not broken.
PS: I envy your life. It sounds very relaxing.
posted by Nieshka at 12:14 AM on July 19, 2017 [24 favorites]
Long answer: Why would you want to change an established pattern/routine that works for you and makes you happy, because it doesn't seem to make other people equally so? Is your work/personal life suffering? Has your partner complained about the quiet time? Do you think there's a gap in your life because you take it slower and don't need to have a big, busy social life?
Don't fix what's not broken.
PS: I envy your life. It sounds very relaxing.
posted by Nieshka at 12:14 AM on July 19, 2017 [24 favorites]
I feel I have a "rich inner life" and don't always crave more.
I don't see a problem here.
You have a good work/life balance, and you enjoy how you're spending your time. That sounds great!
There is no 'normal'. You're the only one of you there is. This is what works for you. No one else's opinion matters.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:37 AM on July 19, 2017 [7 favorites]
I don't see a problem here.
You have a good work/life balance, and you enjoy how you're spending your time. That sounds great!
There is no 'normal'. You're the only one of you there is. This is what works for you. No one else's opinion matters.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:37 AM on July 19, 2017 [7 favorites]
I think a lot of ppl who are hating their commute are doing it in traffic. Also probably at least a chunk of them are missing out on limited time with children (who have early bedtimes) and ppl with families just have limited down time in general so using it to drive feels wasteful. Using it to peacefully decompress on public transport and then to come home and chill out some more sounds...pretty idyllic?
Re: is my lack of hobbies normal. I dunno. I feel like this is a pretty millennial thing, this obsession with hobbies. Different eras have had different view on this. I'm not sure there's much point in borrowing worries here.
posted by jojobobo at 12:38 AM on July 19, 2017 [13 favorites]
Re: is my lack of hobbies normal. I dunno. I feel like this is a pretty millennial thing, this obsession with hobbies. Different eras have had different view on this. I'm not sure there's much point in borrowing worries here.
posted by jojobobo at 12:38 AM on July 19, 2017 [13 favorites]
I get similar benefits from commuting but sometimes organize my reading around a personal goal. You could maybe answer this question experimentally by temporarily giving some thematic or goal-oriented focus to the reading/listening you're already doing to make it a project. If it doesn't change anything for you--doesn't give you a sense of achievement on completion, doesn't give you a better answer to what you've been up to in your spare time, etc.--then I'd suppose you're not motivated by those kinds of things, which is fine. What I can tell you from experience is that I like reading projects but wouldn't regard them as intrinsically better than desultory reading.
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:46 AM on July 19, 2017
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:46 AM on July 19, 2017
To make things worse I work in tech where people say that if you don't have projects outside of your day job, you're not a REAL developer (where is your passion??) etc. I've always enjoyed working institutionally and spend my time learning new things rather than building or working on ambitious personal projects.
I wonder if some of the people you work with/are around professionally who cannot believe that you don't have side projects related to your field are using that work to help them get through the costs of something they don't want to talk about, and they have normalized it as something everyone does to help them cope.
Perhaps those side projects help them pay down some embarrassing credit card debt, or pay for a house or a car that's too expensive, or fund health care for a relative who can't afford it on their own. Maybe they went to a great university but had terrible loan terms, or are paying child support or for a sibling's stay in detox or rehab.
If these things aren't an issue for you and you/your partner are in a positive/stable financial situation, then I think you're in a good place. But do consider if there's something you'd like to be able to do or achieve - even if it's just a fitness goal - and see if some of your time could be contributed to that goal.
In the last few years I've Kondo-ed my house, changed my diet, and added in some more physical-fitness stuff, and nothing about those things felt anything other than positive (and yes, relaxing!) - but they did pay real dividends in calm/peace/mental health/confidence that perhaps might be appealing in your position.
So, yes, do consider shaking something up, but why not choose something that will help you/your partner live better/happier lives?
posted by mdonley at 1:13 AM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]
I wonder if some of the people you work with/are around professionally who cannot believe that you don't have side projects related to your field are using that work to help them get through the costs of something they don't want to talk about, and they have normalized it as something everyone does to help them cope.
Perhaps those side projects help them pay down some embarrassing credit card debt, or pay for a house or a car that's too expensive, or fund health care for a relative who can't afford it on their own. Maybe they went to a great university but had terrible loan terms, or are paying child support or for a sibling's stay in detox or rehab.
If these things aren't an issue for you and you/your partner are in a positive/stable financial situation, then I think you're in a good place. But do consider if there's something you'd like to be able to do or achieve - even if it's just a fitness goal - and see if some of your time could be contributed to that goal.
In the last few years I've Kondo-ed my house, changed my diet, and added in some more physical-fitness stuff, and nothing about those things felt anything other than positive (and yes, relaxing!) - but they did pay real dividends in calm/peace/mental health/confidence that perhaps might be appealing in your position.
So, yes, do consider shaking something up, but why not choose something that will help you/your partner live better/happier lives?
posted by mdonley at 1:13 AM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]
I need lots of introvert recharge time too and your use of time sounds quite lovely. I think some people who do not get recharged by lots of down time can't really relate; they seem to get energized by having lots of hobbies and projects and spending lots of time with other people. But if that's not how you recharge, and what you're doing works for you, I see no reason to change that!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:31 AM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:31 AM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
I feel like you are asking two questions: Is it normal to enjoy alone-time so much and is it normal to spend your free time not really doing anything productive. From my point of view the answer to both these questions is heck yes.
I'm really not comfortable with this culture of relentless self-improvement - everything needs to be made into a chore now - simple self-care needs to be optimised and hacked to within an inch of its life, you can't just do work you have to have a productivity system, and god forbid you just take some time out and do nothing! I am right there with you... I have a long commute and yeah sometimes I spend it reading, but only if I feel like it. Sometimes it feels really good to just stare into space for an hour and let my mind be free.
I love, and always tell myself to be more committed to, alone-time doing nothing. I have a busy life and trouble saying no, so sometimes weeks go by when my only recharging time is half an hour between coming home and going to bed. I really feel the absence of this recharging time, in my body and soul - I feel out of sorts and somehow off-kilter, and it takes a Sunday afternoon spent alone lounging in front of the TV or flat on the sofa staring out the window to feel more myself. Your soul has needs. This is one of them. Be kind to yourself and keep doing it! I absolutely think that if it makes you happy and comfortable and has no negative impact on the rest of your life or on anybody else, you should do it, whatever it is. Don't worry about how normal or abnormal it is, although you sound pretty normal to me, and I'd wager a large percentage of Mefites are the same.
posted by Ziggy500 at 1:46 AM on July 19, 2017 [9 favorites]
I'm really not comfortable with this culture of relentless self-improvement - everything needs to be made into a chore now - simple self-care needs to be optimised and hacked to within an inch of its life, you can't just do work you have to have a productivity system, and god forbid you just take some time out and do nothing! I am right there with you... I have a long commute and yeah sometimes I spend it reading, but only if I feel like it. Sometimes it feels really good to just stare into space for an hour and let my mind be free.
I love, and always tell myself to be more committed to, alone-time doing nothing. I have a busy life and trouble saying no, so sometimes weeks go by when my only recharging time is half an hour between coming home and going to bed. I really feel the absence of this recharging time, in my body and soul - I feel out of sorts and somehow off-kilter, and it takes a Sunday afternoon spent alone lounging in front of the TV or flat on the sofa staring out the window to feel more myself. Your soul has needs. This is one of them. Be kind to yourself and keep doing it! I absolutely think that if it makes you happy and comfortable and has no negative impact on the rest of your life or on anybody else, you should do it, whatever it is. Don't worry about how normal or abnormal it is, although you sound pretty normal to me, and I'd wager a large percentage of Mefites are the same.
posted by Ziggy500 at 1:46 AM on July 19, 2017 [9 favorites]
Honestly, whatever we all say about our quirky personal pursuits, I think most people spend their weekday evenings either drinking (young single people), doing stuff with or for their kids (parents with kids at home) or puttering around getting ready for work the next day and sorting the mail (everyone else).
I mean, there's nothing stopping you from taking a piano lesson one night a week or joining a trivia league, but you sound pretty normal.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:54 AM on July 19, 2017 [6 favorites]
I mean, there's nothing stopping you from taking a piano lesson one night a week or joining a trivia league, but you sound pretty normal.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:54 AM on July 19, 2017 [6 favorites]
I also work in tech (though in a non-technical role) and I think there's a weird amount of pressure in the industry to always be doing something else useful with the time you're not working - the "maker" self-image contributes to this, as does the common model for career progression where you start writing/speaking about the (tech/work-related) thing you're passionate about in your free time and eventually turn that into a strong personal brand and a lucrative speaking/consulting career.
It sometimes feels like if you're not making/doing in your spare time as well as your work time, you're not trying hard enough - and the fact that tech as an industry also has a deep attachment to nebulous ideas of self-improvement and membership of self-bettering communities of practice (or at least it does in my sphere) kinda compounds this.
But you don't get a prize at the end of your life for adding the most value overall, for using all your hours to do stuff that feels like work. And personally I don't want to build a second career for myself out of my personal brand and side projects and unique personal insights and public speaking persona (ugh).
I used to buy into this mindset a lot more and would beat myself up and treat myself badly in the name of forcing myself to do work (stuff like not allowing myself to relax or eat dinner once I got home until I'd written 1000+ words of whatever writing project I was working on), and sure I was getting stuff done but I felt anxious and miserable and still-not-good-enough-never-going-to-be-good-enough the whole time (didn't help that I had parents I was never good enough for, so there was nothing particularly unusual about feeling cripplingly inadequate all the time and it took me long years to realise I didn't need to feel like that all the time).
Now I read stuff I enjoy (not worthy literature or self-improvement) in my spare time, and play a lot of games, and hang out with my partner and see friends as often as I can, and it's...nice? Some of it's been necessary, too, as chronic health problems mean I just don't have the energy, motivation or stamina I did in my early 20s. I work on writing projects when I want to and when they make me happy, not all the time including when it's not fun because I'm secretly terrified I'll never be good enough based on someone else's standards. Honestly the hardest part about this adjustment, which I'm still in the process of figuring out, is learning not to feel constantly guilty about not doing "enough".
If what you are doing makes you happy, you don't have to do what everyone else is telling you makes them happy (assuming they've thought about it long enough to be certain it actually does) just because they're telling you it's amazing. You do you!
posted by terretu at 2:49 AM on July 19, 2017 [14 favorites]
It sometimes feels like if you're not making/doing in your spare time as well as your work time, you're not trying hard enough - and the fact that tech as an industry also has a deep attachment to nebulous ideas of self-improvement and membership of self-bettering communities of practice (or at least it does in my sphere) kinda compounds this.
But you don't get a prize at the end of your life for adding the most value overall, for using all your hours to do stuff that feels like work. And personally I don't want to build a second career for myself out of my personal brand and side projects and unique personal insights and public speaking persona (ugh).
I used to buy into this mindset a lot more and would beat myself up and treat myself badly in the name of forcing myself to do work (stuff like not allowing myself to relax or eat dinner once I got home until I'd written 1000+ words of whatever writing project I was working on), and sure I was getting stuff done but I felt anxious and miserable and still-not-good-enough-never-going-to-be-good-enough the whole time (didn't help that I had parents I was never good enough for, so there was nothing particularly unusual about feeling cripplingly inadequate all the time and it took me long years to realise I didn't need to feel like that all the time).
Now I read stuff I enjoy (not worthy literature or self-improvement) in my spare time, and play a lot of games, and hang out with my partner and see friends as often as I can, and it's...nice? Some of it's been necessary, too, as chronic health problems mean I just don't have the energy, motivation or stamina I did in my early 20s. I work on writing projects when I want to and when they make me happy, not all the time including when it's not fun because I'm secretly terrified I'll never be good enough based on someone else's standards. Honestly the hardest part about this adjustment, which I'm still in the process of figuring out, is learning not to feel constantly guilty about not doing "enough".
If what you are doing makes you happy, you don't have to do what everyone else is telling you makes them happy (assuming they've thought about it long enough to be certain it actually does) just because they're telling you it's amazing. You do you!
posted by terretu at 2:49 AM on July 19, 2017 [14 favorites]
You don't need to do all the things. It sounds like you're mostly happy with your work/life balance, which is what's important. If you want to meet new people, then sure, adding structured activities to your free time might help, but you sound like a normal person with normal time use.
Then again, I understand why you might feel some social pressure to do things differently. Just to help you put things into perspective, though, productive downtime not focused on tending to domestic life — so, centered around "personal projects" and active, goal-oriented hobbies — is kind of a millennial/creative class/modern affluent person shibboleth. People from other walks of life don't place the same priority on living that way, and don't tend to assume that people without hobbies are boring or something similar.
The same goes for the attitude towards commutes in some cities. The weirdness about commuting among younger people with smaller family sizes who can afford to live near a central business district...there's an element of privilege there, and I say this as someone who ticks all those boxes. Meeting people who don't buy into this silliness might help you feel better about the way you've organized your life.
posted by blerghamot at 3:30 AM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]
Then again, I understand why you might feel some social pressure to do things differently. Just to help you put things into perspective, though, productive downtime not focused on tending to domestic life — so, centered around "personal projects" and active, goal-oriented hobbies — is kind of a millennial/creative class/modern affluent person shibboleth. People from other walks of life don't place the same priority on living that way, and don't tend to assume that people without hobbies are boring or something similar.
The same goes for the attitude towards commutes in some cities. The weirdness about commuting among younger people with smaller family sizes who can afford to live near a central business district...there's an element of privilege there, and I say this as someone who ticks all those boxes. Meeting people who don't buy into this silliness might help you feel better about the way you've organized your life.
posted by blerghamot at 3:30 AM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]
In my youth I believed that the my life's aspiration was to have as many experiences as possible, perhaps because using that yardstick meant that anything that happened, no matter how objectively bad in the moment, benefited me in the long run in the form of lessons learned, etc. Now, in my 50s, goodbye to all that; I just aspire to be happy without hurting anyone else. I know myself better now and care less about what other people think and that's liberating. If this routine works for you, then it's self care. If it stops working for you, try something new. But don't spend a second feeling self-conscious or guilty about any of it. You be you.
That said, there was an AskMe question recently here which prompted MeFites to share their after work home time habits. It reassured me that my personal post work chill routines and decompression strategies are pretty normal. You might find it interesting.
Perhaps due to the current **cough** situation in the US, I want for all of us is to find little places of comfort and ease to recharge: freedom from want, freedom from fear.
posted by carmicha at 4:43 AM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
That said, there was an AskMe question recently here which prompted MeFites to share their after work home time habits. It reassured me that my personal post work chill routines and decompression strategies are pretty normal. You might find it interesting.
Perhaps due to the current **cough** situation in the US, I want for all of us is to find little places of comfort and ease to recharge: freedom from want, freedom from fear.
posted by carmicha at 4:43 AM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like your hobbies are cooking simple dinners with your partner, going to trivia nights, and enjoying sports. You also like to travel and catch up with your friends.
In other words, this sounds to me like you have all kinds of things going on and have a good, fulfilling life.
I like pursuing creative projects but the older I get, the less I care if they amount to anything. I'm doing them because I enjoy them. I think the whole "you should have a side hustle that becomes your job!" mindset is incredibly misguided and somewhat toxic. There's nothing wrong with having a job you enjoy that pays your enough so you have the time and energy to enjoy the rest of your life, which you have.
posted by darksong at 4:53 AM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]
In other words, this sounds to me like you have all kinds of things going on and have a good, fulfilling life.
I like pursuing creative projects but the older I get, the less I care if they amount to anything. I'm doing them because I enjoy them. I think the whole "you should have a side hustle that becomes your job!" mindset is incredibly misguided and somewhat toxic. There's nothing wrong with having a job you enjoy that pays your enough so you have the time and energy to enjoy the rest of your life, which you have.
posted by darksong at 4:53 AM on July 19, 2017 [4 favorites]
One of my most perfect, happiest memories ever was sitting in a restaurant alone with a book, eating a rack of ribs and drinking a perfect margarita and reading some kind of detective story. I reeeaaally enjoy those moments of blissful solitude.
I totally know where you are coming from. And you know what? Millions envy us. Contentment is the rarest commodity.
posted by Thella at 5:02 AM on July 19, 2017 [8 favorites]
I totally know where you are coming from. And you know what? Millions envy us. Contentment is the rarest commodity.
posted by Thella at 5:02 AM on July 19, 2017 [8 favorites]
Great answers above (that I could do to take heed of myself!) so I just want to add one idea but very much as a "maybe consider as well" rather than a "instead of": if you have the capacity, maybe think about doing something for your local community, ideally something you'd also get something out of.
This isn't a side-hustle or personal development hobby necessarily, but just a little bit of giving back. If you have technology skills there are almost certainly local groups or schools that could benefit from even a small amount of advice or tech support.
posted by crocomancer at 5:22 AM on July 19, 2017 [2 favorites]
This isn't a side-hustle or personal development hobby necessarily, but just a little bit of giving back. If you have technology skills there are almost certainly local groups or schools that could benefit from even a small amount of advice or tech support.
posted by crocomancer at 5:22 AM on July 19, 2017 [2 favorites]
When I had a commute I hated it was a crowded and uncomfortable subway ride. At one point I had a less crowded commute - I usually got a seat and could read - and I was perfectly happy with it.
posted by bunderful at 5:29 AM on July 19, 2017
posted by bunderful at 5:29 AM on July 19, 2017
Are you American, or from the Anglosphere?
I ask because I'm American, and one of the things that is very striking about our culture is that we prize the "work ethic" so highly that we also expect our leisure time to be productive - whether we're using it to create something, or doing something to "improve" ourselves. It sounds like you also work in a field where this attitude is particularly strong.
It's nuts. It's leisure time! It's not work. It's for you and the things that make you happy.
The time to start feeling as if you're not doing enough with your time is when you're dissatisfied. You do sound like you're a more solitary person than average, but that's not a bad thing until it starts bothering you. There are certainly other people like you. I'm kind of like you, though maybe not quite as extreme.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 5:41 AM on July 19, 2017 [7 favorites]
I ask because I'm American, and one of the things that is very striking about our culture is that we prize the "work ethic" so highly that we also expect our leisure time to be productive - whether we're using it to create something, or doing something to "improve" ourselves. It sounds like you also work in a field where this attitude is particularly strong.
It's nuts. It's leisure time! It's not work. It's for you and the things that make you happy.
The time to start feeling as if you're not doing enough with your time is when you're dissatisfied. You do sound like you're a more solitary person than average, but that's not a bad thing until it starts bothering you. There are certainly other people like you. I'm kind of like you, though maybe not quite as extreme.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 5:41 AM on July 19, 2017 [7 favorites]
Sounds like a pretty happy life to me! Idling can be quite pleasurable. There's a magazine called the Idler that's worth checking out.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:44 AM on July 19, 2017
posted by kevinbelt at 5:44 AM on July 19, 2017
Oh, you're a dev. Gotcha. You're obviously not a "real dev" unless you spend every waking hour coding and have multiple side projects, hence this question. (please, please notice the sarcasm there!). Been there, done that, have argued myself hoarse on the topic. Please, please be kind to yourself. That expectation is completely unreasonable, and to me it sounds like you're doing just fine!! You can be plenty passionate about your career and still have interests outside of it, and frankly, recharging time is also just as important. If you're happy that is all that matters!! Believe me, I understand the guilt that comes with this career path. I think you're doing a great time balancing things, probably better than I am, so heck i'm even being a little hypocritical even answering, and am definitely jealous.
posted by cgg at 6:16 AM on July 19, 2017
posted by cgg at 6:16 AM on July 19, 2017
Are you happy? Is your partner happy? There is no other "should" in this situation. Seriously, that's all it boils down to. Anything else is trying to live another persons idea of a happy life.
posted by wwax at 8:17 AM on July 19, 2017
posted by wwax at 8:17 AM on July 19, 2017
You're freaking happy.
Enjoy it.
And just for the record, I'm jealous of that commute. Regular, non-optional time to myself to read, listen to podcasts or audiobooks, nap, daydream... that is something I WANT.
posted by stormyteal at 9:10 AM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
Enjoy it.
And just for the record, I'm jealous of that commute. Regular, non-optional time to myself to read, listen to podcasts or audiobooks, nap, daydream... that is something I WANT.
posted by stormyteal at 9:10 AM on July 19, 2017 [3 favorites]
This might be an introvert thing. I too enjoy my commute as quiet downtime (especially when I take the train!) and spend my evenings mostly decompressing - reading, puzzles, etc. My husband, who's more extroverted than me, has some volunteer work, personal projects, and social events that fulfill his need to be more engaged with people and activities. We're both happy - and neither of us is "wrong".
posted by okayokayigive at 9:31 AM on July 19, 2017
posted by okayokayigive at 9:31 AM on July 19, 2017
I'm in a similar situation - new day job, a little difficult and stressful partly because I'm a night owl at heart. And then so much time is given over to maintenance tasks for home or work.
I say you're doing fine. It may feel different when autumn comes and the days get shorter, but for now - enjoy!
posted by zadcat at 9:48 AM on July 19, 2017 [1 favorite]
I say you're doing fine. It may feel different when autumn comes and the days get shorter, but for now - enjoy!
posted by zadcat at 9:48 AM on July 19, 2017 [1 favorite]
Hi! I don't play a musical instrument or make art or do NaNoWriMo or anything, either! I don't even have an Instagram. And I don't even have a commute to blame for it - I'm just not super interested in "making shit." You don't have to be, either.
I dunno if it's a "creative class" thing, a millennial thing, or what. I do think that it's possible - middle and upper class US people who are under, say, 35 right now grew up in a kind of pressure cooker. Where you couldn't get into college with Straight As anymore; you also needed eleventy billion extracurriculars and leadership positions and to prove that you were "well-rounded" and such. The younger part of that bracket ...shit, it seems like they basically need to have founded their own tech startups or invented a new cancer drug by age 16 in order to get anywhere in life.
So it can be jarring to arrive in adulthood and realize that nobody's grading us anymore, and we don't have to get accepted to shit, and basically we just need to do our jobs and be a person for the rest of our lives.
And there were always those kids who just thrived on that pressure-cooker, who just drank up all that productivity and activity and challenge...and they never stop, and now they have 12 podcasts and 2 companies and a knitting blog into the bargain, and also raise show dogs and have 5 kids that they homeschool. More power to them. But jeez. It's okay to just be a person who likes her life.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:28 AM on July 19, 2017 [8 favorites]
I dunno if it's a "creative class" thing, a millennial thing, or what. I do think that it's possible - middle and upper class US people who are under, say, 35 right now grew up in a kind of pressure cooker. Where you couldn't get into college with Straight As anymore; you also needed eleventy billion extracurriculars and leadership positions and to prove that you were "well-rounded" and such. The younger part of that bracket ...shit, it seems like they basically need to have founded their own tech startups or invented a new cancer drug by age 16 in order to get anywhere in life.
So it can be jarring to arrive in adulthood and realize that nobody's grading us anymore, and we don't have to get accepted to shit, and basically we just need to do our jobs and be a person for the rest of our lives.
And there were always those kids who just thrived on that pressure-cooker, who just drank up all that productivity and activity and challenge...and they never stop, and now they have 12 podcasts and 2 companies and a knitting blog into the bargain, and also raise show dogs and have 5 kids that they homeschool. More power to them. But jeez. It's okay to just be a person who likes her life.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:28 AM on July 19, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'm with you - I'd rather take comfortable seated transit than drive to & from work. It's a great time to listen to music, read, nap, or just space out.
As to other things and projects - is there something you'd like to be doing? Something you'd like to try? 50 hours a week leaves you lots of time to try things. But if you're happy, then I don't see a problem.
posted by Cranialtorque at 2:57 PM on July 19, 2017
As to other things and projects - is there something you'd like to be doing? Something you'd like to try? 50 hours a week leaves you lots of time to try things. But if you're happy, then I don't see a problem.
posted by Cranialtorque at 2:57 PM on July 19, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:04 AM on July 19, 2017 [1 favorite]