I have a best friend. I don't have a life.
June 26, 2017 9:09 PM Subscribe
My best friend and I talk every single day over WhatsApp for HOURS. We talk when we wake up. We send each other links and jokes throughout the day. We usually talk deep into the night until we go to bed (too late). I can tell her anything, and I do. She does the same with me. In most ways, this is GREAT. I have always longed for a friendship that is this intellectually engaged and this mutually supportive. The reliability is something I've never had before, and I would never want to give it up or take it away from her. But we're both depressive types, who, frankly, aren't doing as much with our lives as we could be, and part of me wonders if we're using the comfort we offer each other to avoid growing.
We are both bisexual women in our mid 20s. We became close after we'd both just gotten out of abusive relationships, and we supported each other through the emotional aftermath. I can't speak for her, but for me, this support was life-changing. Everyone else I tried to talk to about it after I finally left minimized the abuse or straight-up told me they didn't believe me. She made me feel like I unequivocally mattered where I had been made to feel (by my ex, by our community) like I didn't matter at all. There was no limit on the support she offered me. Our former relationships remain a frequent topic of discussion though it's been over a year. I keep waiting for her to get tired of my rumination, my self-importance, my weakness. She doesn't. She is so nice. But she is even more codependent and self-abasing than I am. I want so badly for her to find happiness, to realize that she matters inherently beyond the support she provides for others, and then I think about how if that actually happened I'd lose her. Or lose a lot of what she gives me, anyway. I give more back to her than anyone she's ever been close with, but really, that's not saying shit.
We were best friends when we lived in the same city, but a few months ago, I moved across the country in pursuit of my career. My done-deal job offer fell through. I still need to be here to advance in my career long-term so I'm not moving back. I'm unemployed. I'm looking for work, but not hard enough. I'm depleting my savings. I don't have the network I did at home and it will take far more energy to build than I've been giving it, and a ton of time either way. She tells me I'm great. No one outside my computer screen tells me that anymore. She messages me and we end up talking longer than I meant to and I don't end up leaving for that Meetup. Eh. There will be another one tomorrow and this feels good. That's bullshit; I didn't do ANYTHING all day. I resent her even though every time I've ever told her I'm busy it's been fine. Even though we message each other first with nearly equal frequency. We probably talk too much, but I don't know how to limit it. I need to be working so much harder than I am. I fantasize that if I didn't have her the sharper desperation would motivate me. It probably wouldn't. I wonder if I'm looking at my self-made unhappiness and finding a way to pin it on the best thing in my life.
There is the complication that I have abandonment issues, and while I've never been close to someone even NEARLY this nice before, I have lately realized that if she finally decided she was tired of me, I wouldn't blame her, and I would crumble. This sounds like a surrogate relationship, and in certain ways, it is. If only because neither of us would have the sheer TIME to maintain this level of closeness if we had a significant other. But there's no attraction on either side and we encourage each other to pursue various love interests until they quickly go nowhere. I know this isn't sustainable long-term, and I hope when one of us does meet someone, our friendship can adapt rather than die. I don't know what the future will hold.
She's the best friend I've ever had - she's done nothing wrong, she just takes up too much space in my life because we're both depressed and we (compulsively?) choose talking endlessly with each other over fixing it. It's just too much of a good thing, and I can't control myself with it, especially when trying would mean hurting her. I love her. I hate myself, more since the move. I need space to grow, but I don't know how to take it. I panic - I would want to close that space INSTANTLY. I don't know what to do.
We are both bisexual women in our mid 20s. We became close after we'd both just gotten out of abusive relationships, and we supported each other through the emotional aftermath. I can't speak for her, but for me, this support was life-changing. Everyone else I tried to talk to about it after I finally left minimized the abuse or straight-up told me they didn't believe me. She made me feel like I unequivocally mattered where I had been made to feel (by my ex, by our community) like I didn't matter at all. There was no limit on the support she offered me. Our former relationships remain a frequent topic of discussion though it's been over a year. I keep waiting for her to get tired of my rumination, my self-importance, my weakness. She doesn't. She is so nice. But she is even more codependent and self-abasing than I am. I want so badly for her to find happiness, to realize that she matters inherently beyond the support she provides for others, and then I think about how if that actually happened I'd lose her. Or lose a lot of what she gives me, anyway. I give more back to her than anyone she's ever been close with, but really, that's not saying shit.
We were best friends when we lived in the same city, but a few months ago, I moved across the country in pursuit of my career. My done-deal job offer fell through. I still need to be here to advance in my career long-term so I'm not moving back. I'm unemployed. I'm looking for work, but not hard enough. I'm depleting my savings. I don't have the network I did at home and it will take far more energy to build than I've been giving it, and a ton of time either way. She tells me I'm great. No one outside my computer screen tells me that anymore. She messages me and we end up talking longer than I meant to and I don't end up leaving for that Meetup. Eh. There will be another one tomorrow and this feels good. That's bullshit; I didn't do ANYTHING all day. I resent her even though every time I've ever told her I'm busy it's been fine. Even though we message each other first with nearly equal frequency. We probably talk too much, but I don't know how to limit it. I need to be working so much harder than I am. I fantasize that if I didn't have her the sharper desperation would motivate me. It probably wouldn't. I wonder if I'm looking at my self-made unhappiness and finding a way to pin it on the best thing in my life.
There is the complication that I have abandonment issues, and while I've never been close to someone even NEARLY this nice before, I have lately realized that if she finally decided she was tired of me, I wouldn't blame her, and I would crumble. This sounds like a surrogate relationship, and in certain ways, it is. If only because neither of us would have the sheer TIME to maintain this level of closeness if we had a significant other. But there's no attraction on either side and we encourage each other to pursue various love interests until they quickly go nowhere. I know this isn't sustainable long-term, and I hope when one of us does meet someone, our friendship can adapt rather than die. I don't know what the future will hold.
She's the best friend I've ever had - she's done nothing wrong, she just takes up too much space in my life because we're both depressed and we (compulsively?) choose talking endlessly with each other over fixing it. It's just too much of a good thing, and I can't control myself with it, especially when trying would mean hurting her. I love her. I hate myself, more since the move. I need space to grow, but I don't know how to take it. I panic - I would want to close that space INSTANTLY. I don't know what to do.
This is not an either/or choice. She's been a good friend. You are both struggling with the same challenges and for both of you the depression will pull you towards avoiding action. So, invite her to join you in moving towards more reasonable boundaries. Talk to her about this (or maybe write a letter, although probably not exactly what you posted here). See if she is willing to help you and talk about what that might look like.
This would be chance to let the friendship adapt and grow. That might be scary.
Are you getting help for your depression? If not, that could be a whole different ask question.
posted by metahawk at 9:37 PM on June 26, 2017 [11 favorites]
This would be chance to let the friendship adapt and grow. That might be scary.
Are you getting help for your depression? If not, that could be a whole different ask question.
posted by metahawk at 9:37 PM on June 26, 2017 [11 favorites]
I've managed to run my life into very similar ruts without a close, wonderful friend I talk to all the time, and I think you're right in the third-to-last paragraph to wonder whether you'd "pin it on" something else if she weren't around. (I'm not blaming you for/accusing you of doing that, for what it's worth; it just seems to be a universal human impulse. Every terrible sports team reaches a point where the fans turn on its best player.)
I'm not sure it's a problem based on what you've said here. But is there a way you could both use this friendship to push each other (and support each other in making difficult moves and decisions) rather than using it to... I guess not push each other? This doesn't necessarily require a big come-to-Jesus talk or a reevaluation of the relationship, just a few more conversations that are closer to "OK you have to MAKE me go to this Meetup, it's important to me!" than "You're great in spite of ditching the Meetup, there's another one tomorrow," etc.
Friends are great sources of accountability as well as—and at the same time as—unconditional support. You became close because you were each others' sources of unconditional support when you needed it, and now it sounds like you both could use some accountability mixed in. Just a little friendly, jokey push can make a difference. (And I think it's much easier to ask her to do that for you [as a favor, even] than to start, say, pushing her to advance her career or change the way she relates her own life to you.)
posted by Polycarp at 10:13 PM on June 26, 2017 [20 favorites]
I'm not sure it's a problem based on what you've said here. But is there a way you could both use this friendship to push each other (and support each other in making difficult moves and decisions) rather than using it to... I guess not push each other? This doesn't necessarily require a big come-to-Jesus talk or a reevaluation of the relationship, just a few more conversations that are closer to "OK you have to MAKE me go to this Meetup, it's important to me!" than "You're great in spite of ditching the Meetup, there's another one tomorrow," etc.
Friends are great sources of accountability as well as—and at the same time as—unconditional support. You became close because you were each others' sources of unconditional support when you needed it, and now it sounds like you both could use some accountability mixed in. Just a little friendly, jokey push can make a difference. (And I think it's much easier to ask her to do that for you [as a favor, even] than to start, say, pushing her to advance her career or change the way she relates her own life to you.)
posted by Polycarp at 10:13 PM on June 26, 2017 [20 favorites]
you two should go for whatsapp walks together - get out of the house and agree to only communicate in or about pictures that you have just taken for the next hour. It's fun, you get to stay in contact, but you also get some exercise, and break out of your usual conversation topics. Or make the same recipe at the same time, sending each other progress reports and pictures. Do a craft together... once you get into the habit of doing these whatsapp parties, then start bringing other friends in on it by making it a group chat. Eventually you'll be doing more things, having fun, making new friends, and it will be a lot easier to break out of your constant chatting habit.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:36 PM on June 26, 2017 [24 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:36 PM on June 26, 2017 [24 favorites]
Yes to polycarp: keep the deep wells of support, add the accountability and structure you are craving. I have personally said all these things to close friends and had no bad responses, so I think if you are in a good place and not in a codependent downward spiral she will appreciate the nudge and not resent you trying to be more positive and proactive. Example what's apps:
Hey bestie! I am doing a kundalini challenge where I meditate every day for 40 days. You in?
Oy, can't chat, another friend date tonight. Why is this harder than actual dating?! I miss you! I'll call from the train home, though.
Idea: if I apply for 50 jobs in 50 days, I will get myself a trip back to * old city* as a prize! Can you help keep me accountable? I wanna see you!
I've realized (/my therapist says) that focusing so much of my attention on my abuser is standing in the way of me getting what I want for the future. I'm going to try to stop, OK? I think we will both be happier if we focus on what we're grateful for rather than the assholes who harmed us!
posted by athirstforsalt at 1:32 AM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Hey bestie! I am doing a kundalini challenge where I meditate every day for 40 days. You in?
Oy, can't chat, another friend date tonight. Why is this harder than actual dating?! I miss you! I'll call from the train home, though.
Idea: if I apply for 50 jobs in 50 days, I will get myself a trip back to * old city* as a prize! Can you help keep me accountable? I wanna see you!
I've realized (/my therapist says) that focusing so much of my attention on my abuser is standing in the way of me getting what I want for the future. I'm going to try to stop, OK? I think we will both be happier if we focus on what we're grateful for rather than the assholes who harmed us!
posted by athirstforsalt at 1:32 AM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
What you have sounds lovely. I really like a thirst for salt's trip suggestion. I have to say that since you guys can apparently talk about anything, it seems hopeful that you guys can navigate more time apart. You should go to more meetups or even try new career things. This person is giving you a well of security to draw from. That is a lovely gift for improving your life.
posted by benadryl at 1:39 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by benadryl at 1:39 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
You could tell her something like: "I have a dilemma. This friendship is really important to me. At the same time I'm spending so much time online talking to you that I'm neglecting other things that I really should be doing - like job hunting and making friends in my city. I wonder if you are experiencing similar issues, and if we can talk together about how to maintain a strong friendship and also (me at least) do better in other areas."
You could make a deal with her that you can say something like "OK, I won't open what's app again until I've applied for another job." Then when you do check in to announce that you've applied for a job, she can congratulate you and you can then set another goal. You can provide her with tools to help you be accountable. "If I don't apply for a job before I check in I want you to post this embarrassing picture of me in 4th grade on instagram."
Ask her if she has goals she would like to work towards and how you can support her in making time and space to do those things.
And, some productive-but-mindless things you can do while talking on the phone - like folding laundry, walking, doing dishes, unpacking boxes, etc.
Good luck to you.
posted by bunderful at 5:06 AM on June 27, 2017 [9 favorites]
You could make a deal with her that you can say something like "OK, I won't open what's app again until I've applied for another job." Then when you do check in to announce that you've applied for a job, she can congratulate you and you can then set another goal. You can provide her with tools to help you be accountable. "If I don't apply for a job before I check in I want you to post this embarrassing picture of me in 4th grade on instagram."
Ask her if she has goals she would like to work towards and how you can support her in making time and space to do those things.
And, some productive-but-mindless things you can do while talking on the phone - like folding laundry, walking, doing dishes, unpacking boxes, etc.
Good luck to you.
posted by bunderful at 5:06 AM on June 27, 2017 [9 favorites]
What are you specifically doing to treat your depression? Because right now, if you weren't talking to her, are you sure you'd be going out to that meetup or applying for that job? Or would you wind up staying home and feeling miserable anyway, except without anyone to talk to?
Treat the depression, especially if you aren't right now-- therapist, psychiatrist if necessary, everything you can throw at it-- and I bet the motivation to do things other than talk with your friend will come back.
(You might want to ask her what she's specifically doing to treat her depression, too. Her mental health is not your responsibility, but you can be encouraging and supportive about her treatment, and she can be the same for you.)
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 4:44 PM on June 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Treat the depression, especially if you aren't right now-- therapist, psychiatrist if necessary, everything you can throw at it-- and I bet the motivation to do things other than talk with your friend will come back.
(You might want to ask her what she's specifically doing to treat her depression, too. Her mental health is not your responsibility, but you can be encouraging and supportive about her treatment, and she can be the same for you.)
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 4:44 PM on June 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
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