I can't seem to shake my driving anxiety. Help!
June 13, 2017 8:18 PM Subscribe
I'm still a relatively new driver and I've had my license for about 11 months now. Until about January/February I enjoyed driving and the freedom that comes along with driving in a car-centric community. I went through A LOT of stress in my personal life from December to March and when that stress came along, my anxiety towards driving increased significantly. The problems I was going through sort of solved itself and now I'd like to be able to get over this driving anxiety and be more "free" again.
Since January/February, I've really avoided all major busy roads in my city. I can comfortably drive to work, get groceries, and other shopping, but I avoid driving out of my little corner of the city. I take the bus to go anywhere else, which is really inconvenient in the city I live in.
It's hard for me to explain what it is in particular I find so anxious about driving. I'm afraid of changing lanes (I worry about the cars not letting me in, or what if I misjudge and cut someone off, etc.) or being in the "wrong" lane, I'm afraid of driving on narrow roads (what if I sideswipe a car, I worry), I'm afraid of driving to new areas of the city that I'm not familiar with, I'm afraid of left turns (I can't see the oncoming traffic sometimes!!), I'm afraid of the car behind me tailgating me (or worse honking at me!!).
I've tried to go driving with friends, but I find that I rely too much on their navigation when we drive and I'm not developing my own skills. I'm in the process of booking two refresher lessons through a local driving school, as well. I don't really know what else I can do to get rid of my anxiety! I feel so embarrassed for being anxious about driving in an area that is *so* car-centric to begin with, I already felt like a bit of a loser when I got my license so late (relatively speaking) at 28 and now I feel even worse for being ANXIOUS about driving.
What else can I do to feel more comfortable with driving?
Since January/February, I've really avoided all major busy roads in my city. I can comfortably drive to work, get groceries, and other shopping, but I avoid driving out of my little corner of the city. I take the bus to go anywhere else, which is really inconvenient in the city I live in.
It's hard for me to explain what it is in particular I find so anxious about driving. I'm afraid of changing lanes (I worry about the cars not letting me in, or what if I misjudge and cut someone off, etc.) or being in the "wrong" lane, I'm afraid of driving on narrow roads (what if I sideswipe a car, I worry), I'm afraid of driving to new areas of the city that I'm not familiar with, I'm afraid of left turns (I can't see the oncoming traffic sometimes!!), I'm afraid of the car behind me tailgating me (or worse honking at me!!).
I've tried to go driving with friends, but I find that I rely too much on their navigation when we drive and I'm not developing my own skills. I'm in the process of booking two refresher lessons through a local driving school, as well. I don't really know what else I can do to get rid of my anxiety! I feel so embarrassed for being anxious about driving in an area that is *so* car-centric to begin with, I already felt like a bit of a loser when I got my license so late (relatively speaking) at 28 and now I feel even worse for being ANXIOUS about driving.
What else can I do to feel more comfortable with driving?
I'd suggest starting with the thing that makes you anxious but makes you the *least* anxious of everything currently on the list? And then go do it at the least-anxious possible time for it, even if that's the middle of the night, if that's necessary to get it done. Come up with a modest bribe to compensate for the fact that it is not going to feel good. It doesn't have to feel okay while you're doing it. Do that, and then the next time do just a little more. And just a little more. And get used to that idea that it is often going to be uncomfortable, but that your rational brain knows you're going to be okay and you're going to trust that and then afterwards have ice cream, or a Lush bath bomb, or whatever other small thing you can find produces sufficient good feelings. Late evenings are good times to take a drive you've not done before (or recently) to make sure you know which lanes you need to be in at tricky intersections/exits.
Once you've built back up to being able to handle a particular trip, make sure you keep making that trip by car. Make excuses to drive on the biggest roads you're comfortable with, if you have to. If you let it lapse for a few weeks, it's that much harder to get it back.
I also got licensed in my late 20s and still have similar trouble when I let myself lapse on doing anything, to the point where I'm extremely grateful that my commute requires the interstate. This is based on experience; ymmv, but this sort of thing has worked for me pretty well so far. Getting back up to highways again might take a bit, but it'll be much less work in the long run if you do that and then work at maintaining that level of comfort once you're there.
posted by Sequence at 8:53 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
Once you've built back up to being able to handle a particular trip, make sure you keep making that trip by car. Make excuses to drive on the biggest roads you're comfortable with, if you have to. If you let it lapse for a few weeks, it's that much harder to get it back.
I also got licensed in my late 20s and still have similar trouble when I let myself lapse on doing anything, to the point where I'm extremely grateful that my commute requires the interstate. This is based on experience; ymmv, but this sort of thing has worked for me pretty well so far. Getting back up to highways again might take a bit, but it'll be much less work in the long run if you do that and then work at maintaining that level of comfort once you're there.
posted by Sequence at 8:53 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
I have a history as an anxious driver and really the only way to get past it is to drive every day. If I go for awhile without driving much, the anxiety comes back. Ideally drive someplace you've never been once a week, drive on the freeway once a week, and park in a tough parking spot once a week (I need to do that last one more). I know it sucks to be piloting a motor vehicle with your heart in your throat, but the only way out is through.
posted by potrzebie at 9:16 PM on June 13, 2017
posted by potrzebie at 9:16 PM on June 13, 2017
I was a very anxious driver after I was in an accident just after I got my licence. As others have said driving more is the answer.
One thing that helped me, was driving at night, or early in the morning when there was less traffic. If I hadn't been somewhere before, I'd make a test run the night before.
I was also able to get a new car, a nice small one with reversing sensors, and that helped my confidence too.
posted by Youremyworld at 9:24 PM on June 13, 2017
One thing that helped me, was driving at night, or early in the morning when there was less traffic. If I hadn't been somewhere before, I'd make a test run the night before.
I was also able to get a new car, a nice small one with reversing sensors, and that helped my confidence too.
posted by Youremyworld at 9:24 PM on June 13, 2017
My sister had a very similar experience. She was in her late 20s when she got her license, and I remember the onset of anxiety that accompanied driving every time we got in the car to go somewhere. But things got better for her, it just took time.
Here's the key: you have to keep it up, no matter how uncomfortable it is to get behind the wheel. Even if you get really anxious changing lanes, or merging on that busy section of freeway, you have to keep practicing at it. Make driving a part of your routine. Avoiding driving, as with any phobia - will only confirm your own fears and play upon your insecurities.
Remember to focus on what you can control. Always follow the speed limit, signal prior to turning, and generally be courteous to other drivers. Never be afraid to experiment with your driving environment. Try listening to your favorite music with the sound turned way down - sometimes this can be relaxing. If it's not, turn off the music and focus on the road. Roll the windows down and get some fresh air if the car feels stuffy. It will take some tinkering, but keep exploring options to optimize your personal environment for driving. This can do wonders for anxiety on the road.
posted by Jon Letko at 9:35 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Here's the key: you have to keep it up, no matter how uncomfortable it is to get behind the wheel. Even if you get really anxious changing lanes, or merging on that busy section of freeway, you have to keep practicing at it. Make driving a part of your routine. Avoiding driving, as with any phobia - will only confirm your own fears and play upon your insecurities.
Remember to focus on what you can control. Always follow the speed limit, signal prior to turning, and generally be courteous to other drivers. Never be afraid to experiment with your driving environment. Try listening to your favorite music with the sound turned way down - sometimes this can be relaxing. If it's not, turn off the music and focus on the road. Roll the windows down and get some fresh air if the car feels stuffy. It will take some tinkering, but keep exploring options to optimize your personal environment for driving. This can do wonders for anxiety on the road.
posted by Jon Letko at 9:35 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've had my license for 10+ years, but most of that has actually been carfree (thanks school/urban life). Now that we have a car, live in the suburbs, and are surrounded by asshat drivers, I need to manage my anxiety while driving.
I'm still plenty darn anxious, but this is what's helped: 1) driving at least once a week, 2) leaving early and honestly accept the fact that I'll probably misunderstand the directions three or four times and get turned around, but that's okay, where there's a wrong direction, there's a right direction usually right around the corner, and that's why I left early anyway, 3) giving myself permission to "miss" the directions if I don't feel safe merging in; I'll find the next exit and go from there, 4) for the places I feel most comfortable driving, increase the frequency of driving there, 5) reminding myself that at the end of the day, I am the only one responsible for how safely I drive, so I slow down as much as I need to slow down, leave as much space as I need to, take as long as I need to in order to make a turn if it's unprotected, and if people tailgate, I leave more space, so if they bump into me, at least I don't bump into the car in front of me.
It's hard. I give myself permission to be a careful driver, and anyone who comments about why I'm always in the slow lane, can leave the car or drive instead.
posted by ellerhodes at 9:41 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm still plenty darn anxious, but this is what's helped: 1) driving at least once a week, 2) leaving early and honestly accept the fact that I'll probably misunderstand the directions three or four times and get turned around, but that's okay, where there's a wrong direction, there's a right direction usually right around the corner, and that's why I left early anyway, 3) giving myself permission to "miss" the directions if I don't feel safe merging in; I'll find the next exit and go from there, 4) for the places I feel most comfortable driving, increase the frequency of driving there, 5) reminding myself that at the end of the day, I am the only one responsible for how safely I drive, so I slow down as much as I need to slow down, leave as much space as I need to, take as long as I need to in order to make a turn if it's unprotected, and if people tailgate, I leave more space, so if they bump into me, at least I don't bump into the car in front of me.
It's hard. I give myself permission to be a careful driver, and anyone who comments about why I'm always in the slow lane, can leave the car or drive instead.
posted by ellerhodes at 9:41 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
Another anxious driver here. I failed my behind-the-wheel test 3 times, before finally passing it at 25. How big is your car? I started driving in a Toyota Camry, which is not that big, but because I'm fairly short (5'3") I had trouble sensing the dimensions of the car. I ultimately hit both a wall and a tree, and dented both ends of the bumper.
I now have had my 2009 Civic for several years, and it feels much more comfortable. I also once rented both a Jetta and Mitsubishi Mirage, and my driving confidence went through the roof. YMMV, but for me, the size of the car really mattered.
posted by invisible ink at 9:46 PM on June 13, 2017
I now have had my 2009 Civic for several years, and it feels much more comfortable. I also once rented both a Jetta and Mitsubishi Mirage, and my driving confidence went through the roof. YMMV, but for me, the size of the car really mattered.
posted by invisible ink at 9:46 PM on June 13, 2017
I'm afraid of driving to new areas of the city that I'm not familiar with
I get very anxious at being lost. For me, the solution was to buy the biggest Garmin GPS I can find that has the lane-assist feature. It has large graphics, and helps me avoid 2 of my driving phobias: last-minute lane changes and complex freeway merges.
posted by invisible ink at 9:54 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
I get very anxious at being lost. For me, the solution was to buy the biggest Garmin GPS I can find that has the lane-assist feature. It has large graphics, and helps me avoid 2 of my driving phobias: last-minute lane changes and complex freeway merges.
posted by invisible ink at 9:54 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
Might help to talk yourself through some of the situations you called out. They're all normal situations for drivers to find themselves in; they happen to everyone! Maybe ask your friends what their approach is in these types of situations.
No one lets you change lanes when you want to? Worst case scenario: you change lanes half a mile later and have to take a weirder route to your destination.
You cut someone off? Worst case scenario: some stranger is slightly annoyed but gets on with their day. Think of it as restoring balance to the universe for the times that other people cut you off!
In the wrong lane? Worst case scenario: you miss your turn or exit and you take the next turn or exit. Maybe you have to get off freeway and get back on headed the opposite direction.
Car behind you starts tailgating and honking? You can always change lanes, turn at the next intersection, or take the next freeway exit to get away from them.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:20 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
No one lets you change lanes when you want to? Worst case scenario: you change lanes half a mile later and have to take a weirder route to your destination.
You cut someone off? Worst case scenario: some stranger is slightly annoyed but gets on with their day. Think of it as restoring balance to the universe for the times that other people cut you off!
In the wrong lane? Worst case scenario: you miss your turn or exit and you take the next turn or exit. Maybe you have to get off freeway and get back on headed the opposite direction.
Car behind you starts tailgating and honking? You can always change lanes, turn at the next intersection, or take the next freeway exit to get away from them.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:20 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
I really feel for you. Fellow anxious driver here–-always have been, but it really went through the roof after I had a (thankfully, single vehicle, non-life threatening) serious accident.
I was living in a place with terrible public transit that necessitated driving if I did not want my daily commute to go from a 20 minute round trip to a 90 minute one. So, I got back behind the wheel as soon as I could get another car, much sooner than I wanted to. It was the best thing for me.
And 20 years later I am STILL somewhat anxious. But I am a perfectly capable driver. I find if I go too long without driving it makes the next trip more stressful so I make myself keep practicing. It has really helped to get a vehicle with lots of visibility and great sight lines that I feel super comfortable driving.
Good luck!!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:46 PM on June 13, 2017
I was living in a place with terrible public transit that necessitated driving if I did not want my daily commute to go from a 20 minute round trip to a 90 minute one. So, I got back behind the wheel as soon as I could get another car, much sooner than I wanted to. It was the best thing for me.
And 20 years later I am STILL somewhat anxious. But I am a perfectly capable driver. I find if I go too long without driving it makes the next trip more stressful so I make myself keep practicing. It has really helped to get a vehicle with lots of visibility and great sight lines that I feel super comfortable driving.
Good luck!!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:46 PM on June 13, 2017
Step 1: Get a good GPS so you will never truly be lost. This could be your phone with a data plan and google maps. Don't rely on the turn-by-turn all the time, just know what you have it, in case you're ever "lost". Also, get to know the rough order and direction of the really big streets in your town. That will give you the option of getting unlost on your own by simply driving until you arrive at a street you have heard of.
Step 2: Go driving sometimes when you don't need to actually be anywhere in particular or to meet anyone. Decide to go across town to get ice cream, secure in the knowledge that if you fail to get ice cream, it's not the end of the world. Having nowhere you must be takes the time and navigation pressure off and makes the process less stressful.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:39 AM on June 14, 2017
Step 2: Go driving sometimes when you don't need to actually be anywhere in particular or to meet anyone. Decide to go across town to get ice cream, secure in the knowledge that if you fail to get ice cream, it's not the end of the world. Having nowhere you must be takes the time and navigation pressure off and makes the process less stressful.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:39 AM on June 14, 2017
I can relate -- when we moved to the suburbs and bought our first car, my husband insisted it be a manual. I thought, "no problem -- I can learn that skill." Well, I could learn how to operate the vehicle, but I couldn't get over my fear of actually driving it. Plus, after a decade of living in a city, I was so unused to being a driver and couldn't cope with being in charge of an unfamiliar vehicle AND being easily flustered by general traffic stuff.
Eventually I got sick of being housebound, essentially, and I signed up for a cake decorating class. THis meant I had to drive -- all by myself! -- to the same place once a week. I got familiar with that, then signed up for a pottery class in the next town over. After a few more "regular, predictable" trips, I started to become comfortable and could branch out more comfortably. Now, I have no problems driving anywhere. Maybe find an activity you want to do that occurs across town from you -- that way it's harder to back out because you have already made a time/financial commitment. And keep doing it!
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 4:07 AM on June 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
Eventually I got sick of being housebound, essentially, and I signed up for a cake decorating class. THis meant I had to drive -- all by myself! -- to the same place once a week. I got familiar with that, then signed up for a pottery class in the next town over. After a few more "regular, predictable" trips, I started to become comfortable and could branch out more comfortably. Now, I have no problems driving anywhere. Maybe find an activity you want to do that occurs across town from you -- that way it's harder to back out because you have already made a time/financial commitment. And keep doing it!
posted by Mrs. Rattery at 4:07 AM on June 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
It may help to imagine what would happen if these scary things actually happen and how you could respond.
- wrong lane - if you're all more or less stationary you could start to indicate, perhaps annoy the people behind you and wait for a kind soul to let you into the right lane. Or you could keep going and turn round once possible or keep going and wait for the satnav to come up with an alternative route. Or if you miss your exit on a motorway you keep going and either leave at the next exit and double back or go wherever the satnav has now decided is the best alternative. The worst outcome is that you have now taken the scenic route and it is a bit further and took longer.
- somebody flashes or honks - so they are being unpleasant, no need for you to change anything
- scrape your car - car now has a scratch which may or may not (most likely) require you to do anything. When you have time get somebody to tell you if your car is now going to rust away from under you if you don't get it fixed.
- scrape another car - so now you're going to be delayed cause you need to exchange information and the you're on your way again. And you either reach an agreement where you pay the other driver some money or hand it to your insurance company and let them deal with it
- you're lost - so you pull over and either interrogate your sat nav or your phone or the nearest petrol station attendant and work out where you are and how you'll get to your destination
I've done all of that, nothing truly horrible has happened....I am currently on a road trip in completely unfamiliar territory in a rental car in another country.
Other things not on your list which also worked out fine in the end.
- accident on unfamiliar to me country lane where other driver took my right of way, I was more than 120miles from home. Car had to be fixed, premiums went up, I was even able to drive my car home although it was a nerve wracking drive.
- unexpected fog, sand storm, hail storm, torrential rain, snow fall, smoke - you slow right down, may have to stop and it takes how long it takes
- accidentally added diesel to my fuel rental cause I had a diesel at the time at home - so when I realised what I was doing I stopped fuelling, walked into petrol station, the lady called the local garage, they towed me, emptied tank, added high octane fuel and I was back on my way in a couple of hrs
My point is - I am not an anxious driver and generally not a bad driver and stuff happens. And then you deal with the situation. Just like with anything else in life. And the way you learn that all these things are not disasters is by experiencing them.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:18 PM on September 7, 2017
- wrong lane - if you're all more or less stationary you could start to indicate, perhaps annoy the people behind you and wait for a kind soul to let you into the right lane. Or you could keep going and turn round once possible or keep going and wait for the satnav to come up with an alternative route. Or if you miss your exit on a motorway you keep going and either leave at the next exit and double back or go wherever the satnav has now decided is the best alternative. The worst outcome is that you have now taken the scenic route and it is a bit further and took longer.
- somebody flashes or honks - so they are being unpleasant, no need for you to change anything
- scrape your car - car now has a scratch which may or may not (most likely) require you to do anything. When you have time get somebody to tell you if your car is now going to rust away from under you if you don't get it fixed.
- scrape another car - so now you're going to be delayed cause you need to exchange information and the you're on your way again. And you either reach an agreement where you pay the other driver some money or hand it to your insurance company and let them deal with it
- you're lost - so you pull over and either interrogate your sat nav or your phone or the nearest petrol station attendant and work out where you are and how you'll get to your destination
I've done all of that, nothing truly horrible has happened....I am currently on a road trip in completely unfamiliar territory in a rental car in another country.
Other things not on your list which also worked out fine in the end.
- accident on unfamiliar to me country lane where other driver took my right of way, I was more than 120miles from home. Car had to be fixed, premiums went up, I was even able to drive my car home although it was a nerve wracking drive.
- unexpected fog, sand storm, hail storm, torrential rain, snow fall, smoke - you slow right down, may have to stop and it takes how long it takes
- accidentally added diesel to my fuel rental cause I had a diesel at the time at home - so when I realised what I was doing I stopped fuelling, walked into petrol station, the lady called the local garage, they towed me, emptied tank, added high octane fuel and I was back on my way in a couple of hrs
My point is - I am not an anxious driver and generally not a bad driver and stuff happens. And then you deal with the situation. Just like with anything else in life. And the way you learn that all these things are not disasters is by experiencing them.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:18 PM on September 7, 2017
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But practice. Perhaps go out on certain routes just to run them at the crack of dawn on a sunday morning, so the mechanics and routing are burned in. Then ramp up to busy and then to full rush hour. but on the specific route for practice.
Don't worry what others do, follow the correct procedure scrupulously. Begin to change lanes way way ahead of an exit and just keep blinking until a reasonable gap.
I blink my emergency flashes 3-4 times for tailgaters. If they flip you off stick your tongue out :-)
I slow down (a bit gently) and look all around whenever I hear honking.
Rather than a driving school look into a full on defensive driving performance class. You might have to travel but it would probably be better than a clueless instructor and sure sounds like a lot of fun.
posted by sammyo at 8:50 PM on June 13, 2017