How to Respond to Nosy People?
May 24, 2017 12:47 AM   Subscribe

I never want to answer a nosy question posed by a stranger again. I also don't want to feel badly for deflecting nosy questions, and I don't want to seem cold. I need help in accomplishing this

I never know what to say when someone starts to probe me for information that they have no business knowing, and I always kick myself for answering intrusive questions after the fact. I wish I knew what specific lines would stop a nosy/aggressively intrusive person in their tracks. What do you say to nosy people?
posted by Avosunspin to Human Relations (51 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Why do you ask that?"-quizzical friendly head tilt.
Or better-
Laugh "now that's a strange thing to ask!" Followed by immediate subject change.
The trick is to be sorta casual and bright with these, not cold. If you get the tone down and can do a rapid subject change you'll never have to answer a nosy question again.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 12:56 AM on May 24, 2017 [18 favorites]


"I've learned to never talk about that in polite company" is all you need to say, maybe with a wry chuckle. Definitely keep it breezy and then quickly move on. "How 'bout that heatwave?, you could fry an egg on my dashboard by 8 am..." etc.
posted by OHenryPacey at 1:24 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Why NOT 'seem cold'? After all, these are total strangers asking rude questions, and there is no requirement for you to reward their rudeness by giving out your personal information. Don't let these people use your own good manners against you!

I favor a frosty "EXCUSE me?!?" myself, sometimes followed with "That's none of your business" for the really pushy.
posted by easily confused at 1:34 AM on May 24, 2017 [29 favorites]


"If I told you, I'd have to kill you," works well. Especially with the right sort of facial expression. The kind that hints that you might be joking, but there's a chance you might not.
posted by lollusc at 1:58 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


Sometimes nosy people have just been taught that's how you do small talk. They don't actually care; they're just making noise to fill space. Here's some I use when people are being overly invasive:

If it's stuff like, "I love your hat! Where did you get it?" I usually just shrug and say I can remember, but thanks, that sort of thing.

You can be also non-commital. "Where you headed?" "Eh, nowhere special." "What do you do for a living?" "Nothing much." That sort of thing.
"Usually you need to buy me a couple of drinks before I get that personal."
"Why do you ask?"
"Am I being audited?"
"Can I plead the fifth?"
"Nosy little fucker, aren't you?"
posted by Jilder at 2:54 AM on May 24, 2017 [8 favorites]


I've lived in a number of countries now, and one of the things which strikes me is the nature of acceptable questions seems to vary quite a bit from culture to culture. I try to bear that in mind before deciding whether to frost or just deflect.

You got some good advice about strangers. Regarding the office, if I get asked an inappropriate question at work, I use the following, as appropriate:

"There are other people involved and I'd rather not tell their story, thanks for understanding!"

"Oh, I really don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it..." (Smile)

"Well, there's no accounting for taste!" (Smile)

"I'm too vain to share all of my secrets!"

"I'm fairly private about some things, sorry!"

Or there's just the fade-- "... sorry. I just realised I need to get to a meeting!"
posted by frumiousb at 2:56 AM on May 24, 2017 [18 favorites]


"How thoughtful of you to be concerned! But really l, there's nothing to be worried about."
posted by infinitewindow at 3:00 AM on May 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


With strangers on the street, "I don't feel like talking about that." Hard to argue with because it's your subjective feeling about the subject.

At work or a party where you might want to continue the conversation and rapport is important maybe a non-answer, the way politicians do, could be smoother. To do this, make a general comment on the subject of the question without answering it personally then change the subject before it registers.

Examples:
Q: Did you lose weight?
A: Weight loss is such a common topic in our culture. You can't go a day without hearing about someone's diet or p90x training. Anyway, how about those Mets?

Q: You came in late today. Did you have a job interview?
A: You know, when I'm out from work I always worry about how many emails I'll come back to. Are you the same way? Anyway, what did I miss at the staff meeting this morning?

Q: Beautiful apartment! How much did you pay for it?
A: Oh don't get me started on the real estate market in our city. First you spend months looking for a place, then you have to get your broker to communicate with the sellers broker in a timely manner. All this while you're trying to pack and manage the rest of your life. Anyway, have you been watching American Horror Story?
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 3:12 AM on May 24, 2017 [23 favorites]


I find going vague is usually enough "oh, I'm not sure .. anyway, did you see that twitter video about the banana-eating cat?" and "Ah, I don't really tend to remember these things .. did you see that twitter video about the banana-eating cat?"
posted by kariebookish at 3:32 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Not all purpose and requires some attitude, but:
Jeez, at least buy a girl a drink first!
posted by athirstforsalt at 3:36 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


It takes a couple drinks to get there, at least buy me dinner first--- NO! Never imply rhat there is a condition that can be met where you will answer that question, because then your new problem is finding a way to turn down that drink every time you see that person for the rest of your life.

Some good responses:

Wow, that's really personal.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's complicated and just makes me tired, so if you'll excuse me.
Sorry, I'm not up to talk about it. Sensitive topic.

All of these are followed by (pause to let it be awkward) and (topic change). Nosy questions are small talk and small talk is culturally required. The only way to go is polite but firm refusal. The same people who ask nosy questions don't understand the hostile subtext of jokey answers and will just escalate with the question, so you have to stick with a clear NO to make it actually stop.
posted by blnkfrnk at 3:49 AM on May 24, 2017 [8 favorites]


I narrow my eyes, cock my head slightly, stare at them for just a second, then shake my head as if I were waking from a dream and move on with my day.

The moment I realized that I am not required to engage in any conversation I don't want to -- even if I'm already in that conversation -- was one of the best moments of my life.
posted by Etrigan at 3:53 AM on May 24, 2017 [18 favorites]


To clarify: I do the "buy me a drink first!" for nosy job-related co-worker questions that I would discuss with an actual friend or close colleague. If it's someone who I see regularly and the question is normal, just painful ("any news from the academic job market?"), I think it works better than just awkwardly changing the subject.

For real strangers / truly obnoxious non-small talk questions / appearance-related stuff: "That's kind of personal." / Smile and "I don't want to talk about it."
posted by athirstforsalt at 4:34 AM on May 24, 2017


Answer the question with another question. Not the "why do you ask" kind, but turning the question back to the other person.

How much do you make? ... Do you feel like you make a fair salary?

How much do you weigh? ... Do you have a fast metabolism?

Who did you vote for? ... Do you think we should have mail-in ballots/go back to voting booths?

What's your religion? ... What religion were you raised in?


Remember, you don't have to care, you don't even have to listen. Just pick a word or idea in their question, ask them about what they think, and when they stop talking, say, "That's interesting" and, if possible, move away.
posted by kestralwing at 4:49 AM on May 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


'Nosiness' is highly subjective - for instance, many of my Dutch and German friends and colleagues think nothing of casually asking if I'm planning on having children, which *I* interpret as highly invasive, but is just small talk to them.

My preferred response to a question I don't feel comfortable answering is a simple 'that's very personal', delivered as blandly as possible, followed by a swift change of subject and a quiet reminder to myself that other people, more often than not, are just trying their best.
posted by nerdfish at 5:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


A woman I was meeting for the first time once asked me a very personal question: I just looked at her in the eyes and smiled silently...

I'm sure she got my point.
posted by Kwadeng at 5:31 AM on May 24, 2017


It would probably help to know what kind of strangers and what type of questions? That said...

I don't want to seem cold

You don't have to turn cold but you can suddenly become a bit distant, as if you're distracted or perhaps just understood the question a little bit differently than it was intended. And answer vaguely. Personally, I'm rarely capable of coming back with a clever or self-possessed response when I'm put on the spot by a stranger, so I just go with distant and vague, and it seems to work fine. For example, one thing I find really unpleasant and invasive is when the front desk person at a hotel asks me why I'm in [city], how often I come there, what I'm doing, etc. The last guy who tried this conversation with me as I was checking in, I just answered everything like "Oh, sort of for work." "Hmm not too often." "Oh I don't know yet." All in a tone that did not invite him to ask follow-up questions. And while I was talking, I looked down at my phone and started typing as if I was dealing with Very Important Work Stuff. Of course it's rude to do the phone thing at a party or whatever, but the vague/distracted answers work always.

Then again, if the questions are very personal, like about your medical history or something, you can always just say "I don't really like to talk about personal stuff." Or "It's really boring, you don't want to know." Or "It's a long story." Then change the subject. But so much of it is tone of voice. The vast majority of people will get it when you don't just don't seem into talking, and fail to give them what they want in terms of conversation.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:41 AM on May 24, 2017


With intrusive family members, co-workers or other people in my regular orbit, I repeat the question back in a slightly quizzical tone. "You're asking me if I plan to have kids? Hmm, well I really don't know." "Do I take drugs? Hmm, why do you ask?" Not directly expressing puzzlement that they are asking the question at all, but implying it. I don't make it easy or fun for them to keep asking questions like that.

Strangers-- who cares? Say no, or make something up.
posted by BibiRose at 6:17 AM on May 24, 2017


I feel like a bit more context would be helpful here, although my questions may seem "nosy." Where are you from? What are the cultural norms in your "home culture" as to what subjects are appropriate for polite conversation? Where do you live and/or encounter nosy questions now? If you are living in the place where your home culture prevails, are the people asking nosy questions from another culture? Also, can you provide a few generic examples of common nosy questions you encounter?

As others have observed, they are wide cultural differences in what are considered acceptable topics for conversation. To make an example from m own experience, American singers auditioning in Germany/Austria/Switzerland are usually taken aback when the company calls them over to explain just what they didn't like about the audition and why they are not offering a contract. This would be considered incredibly impolite and even cruel in the States, but over there it is viewed as providing forthright feedback and even helping the singer identify what needs to be improved to get the job next time around.

The main thing I wonder is how it is that you are asked questions you perceive as nosy (by "strangers," no less) with such frequency that you are asking for advice in how to respond and set boundaries. This seems unusual for someone who has the same set of cultural norms as to conversational topics and who is/isn't a "stranger" as the prevailing local norms. If it turns out to be the case that you're living and/or working in a culture that views certain subjecs "fair game for for polite conversation" that you hold as private, you may want to consider changing your expectations.
posted by slkinsey at 6:21 AM on May 24, 2017 [7 favorites]


Best answer: "Why do you ask?" and "I prefer not to say" can both be delivered very politely. If anyone persists beyond that, change the subject or leave.
posted by bunderful at 6:56 AM on May 24, 2017 [6 favorites]


I may have at times told very long shaggy dog stories only to reveal at the end that none of it's true.
posted by bunderful at 6:56 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


I once asked a coworker who was an excellent musician how many hours a day she practiced. She told me that was like asking her how much money she made. I had no idea that was a personal question, and I was absolutely mortified. She could have made the same point in a kinder way. "I'm sorry. I don't like to discuss that" would have gotten her point across, and I probably wouldn't still be shuddering years later.

Similarly, I once asked someone I knew why he had decided to stay in the small town we both lived in when (as he had just told me) he had just gotten an offer at a prestigious university in a super cool city. He said, "It's complicated." I thought that was a great way of letting me know it was personal without making me feel like an ass.

I try not to make assumptions about people's intentions. If these people are strangers, you don't know anything about them, and it doesn't cost you anything to be kind. So I vote for "I'm sorry, but I'd rather not discuss that." Then change the subject.
posted by FencingGal at 7:07 AM on May 24, 2017 [16 favorites]


I make up clearly ridiculous baloney answers. Habit I picked up with my nosy mother. And then elaborate on the baloney with more baloney if pressed. I stop short of Groucho-style eyebrow-waggling, though. Hope some part of these answers help you with your anxious situations.
posted by turkeybrain at 7:15 AM on May 24, 2017


Just popping in to say being from different cultural backgrounds does not mean you have to answer questions you don't want to answer. Tolerance goes both ways. Someone from another culture is free to ask questions they don't consider to be nosy, and you are likewise free to shut that line of questioning down because you don't like it.
posted by sacchan at 7:17 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


"That's personal."
"Why do you want to know that?"
"It's complicated."
"It's a long story, oh my god, don't even get me started, we'll be here all day."
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you."
"I came here to tell my life story and chew bubble gum, but I'm not out of bubble gum yet."
"Shhhhh."

If you're okay with coming across as weird or slightly paranoid: "Shhhh, they'll hear you!" is fun. And then refuse to say anything else.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


"Well bless your heart! That's so sweet of you to care about a thing like that!" (works best with a big smile and a Southern drawl)
posted by JanetLand at 7:32 AM on May 24, 2017 [7 favorites]


I agree that cultural differences may lead others to ask questions that you consider personal and also that you are not obliged to answer! However, if there is a true cultural difference then most of these responses will come across negatively.

I'm in the UK and the only response in this thread that wouldn't leave me hurt, confused or offended is "it's complicated" or "it's a long story". Even changing the subject would feel rude to me unless it was ever so subtle! That isn't because I'm easily offended, it is because I would be quite happy to answer any of the example questions here and in fact many things a great deal more personal so I would not consider that they would make someone else uncomfortable (and I wouldn't ask them if I thought they would!)

Of course if there is no cultural difference involved then these people are being rude so being slightly offensive back is perfectly ok!
posted by kadia_a at 7:59 AM on May 24, 2017 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I like "it's complicated/boring. What about you, [echo question back at them]." If what they want to do is bond by chatting, then this gives them a chance and that's fine. If they were really wanting my info, well, I don't feel like giving it, but asking the question back makes the deflection warmer.

By the way, not only do these standards of what's "nosy" vary highly across cultures and regions and professions, but they seem to be subject to fads as well... I just this morning read something in the WSJ of all places, that was recommending to ask things like "what passion project are you working on right now?" when meeting people for the first time, rather than standard small talk. The idea was to be more memorable and make deeper connections; but I would find something like this very weird and invasive. I think we even had a discussion about this approach here on the green some weeks ago.

My point is, you're absolutely right to be looking for a kind and pleasant way to deflect these questions, rather than doing something that makes people feel bad; because in many cases they really mean no harm.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:01 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


Miss Manners:
Nosy people have already proven themselves to be rude, so you should hardly expect them to make tactful remarks. The important thing is to cut them off at the first question. The only explanation necessary is, "That's personal."

But you must also teach your daughters not to fall for two common arguments: that curiosity is natural and that people who don't disclose personal information must be ashamed of it. Dignified people value their privacy, and being curious is no excuse for demanding that it be satisfied. Under such pressure, they should merely smile and repeat "That's personal" as often as necessary.


Amy Vanderbilt's complete book of etiquette : a guide to gracious living:
When no tactful answer seems to suffice and the personal probing goes on,
the only solution is to be quite frank. Say, without getting angry, "I know
you don't realize it, but that is a personal question I don't feel willing to
answer." If he then takes offense, he deserves to.

posted by carrioncomfort at 8:08 AM on May 24, 2017 [6 favorites]


I am a pretty nosy person because I work as a journalist and am super curious about human beings in general. At the same time, I myself am an EXTREMELY private person and it takes me a long time with someone before I start to let my guard down. I tell you both of these things because I am not the least bit offended when someone says my questions are too nosy.

One response I've read is "Why, that's a rather personal question!" I like that and wouldn't find it rude at all.
posted by Brittanie at 8:09 AM on May 24, 2017


I'm in the U.S. and it isn't considered rude to ask what you do for a living, whereas I was taught that it is impolite as it classifies people into economic groups, and is more concerned with what a persons role is vs. who they are individually. So, yes, asking personal questions is definitely cultural.

That being said, being rude or cold to a stranger it certainly within your rights. It's not something I wish to do, so I tend to either be vague, tell them I'm not interested in talking about it, or turn the topic to something related. People aren't really interested if they are using these questions for small talk, so changing the trajectory of the conversation isn't really noticed by them.
posted by Vaike at 8:28 AM on May 24, 2017


Nthing "It's a long story." Most people will take the hint and won't say "Oh, that's ok -- I have time!" but on the rare times when that's happened to me I just give an icy smile and say something like, "Not enough for this, actually." No one has ever not gotten the hint. On the few occasions someone has asked me something really personal that won't be covered by "it's a long story," like "Do you plan to have children?" I've literally just responded with an outrageous non-sequitur like, "It's hot today, isn't it?" That gets the point across.

Side note: I'm an amateur musician and I spend a lot of time around musicians and none of them have any problem talking about how many hours a day they practice or used to practice. Saying "it's like asking how much money I make" is pretty much horseshit, as far as I'm concerned (not to mention extremely rude).
posted by holborne at 8:31 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


Say "Are you writing a book?" then chuckle.
posted by thatone at 8:33 AM on May 24, 2017


I like "It's a long story," or "Don't get me started," accompanied by a world-weary smile and perhaps a dismissive hand-wave.
posted by delight at 8:46 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


"I'm sorry for being nosy, but I just have to know, [how many months along are you] [what did you pay for that] [are you and Karen on the outs]?"
"You have to know? What will happen to you if you don't know? Will you have a seizure? Stay awake all night wondering? Die in agony?"
"...! Um. I guess it's a touchy subject. Sorry I asked."
"Not me! Who knew that my personal ephemera were so compelling. I should get my ass on reality television."

Okay, this would never happen.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:25 AM on May 24, 2017


FencingGal: I once asked a coworker who was an excellent musician how many hours a day she practiced. She told me that was like asking her how much money she made. I had no idea that was a personal question, and I was absolutely mortified.

Well, don't be. As someone who worked for almost 40 years as a musician, I can tell you that this is not a personal question. If someone had ever said something like that to me, my response would have been, "it's cool if you don't want to tell me, but it's certainly not a personal question for all the other musicians I know."

Her reaction, however, is a good illustration of the way people can have highly personal topical privacy boundaries that they assume are broadly shared. Your question was a perfectly normal one, and it would have been impossible for you to know that she considered it a private subject. This is why I'm interested to know what some of the topics and questions are to which Avosunspin objects. I would say that I am probably a more private person than most, and yet it's hard to imagine what would have to happen in order for me to feel as though my privacy boundaries were constantly being pushed by strangers.


Also... it's interesting to observe in this thread how many participants are making the assumption that the people asking Avosunspin questions are acting socially inappropriately, and are suggesting what appear to me as aggressively rude and socially inappropriate response strategies.
posted by slkinsey at 10:27 AM on May 24, 2017 [18 favorites]


Depends on the question, my mood, etc. I generally give broad answers that technically satisfy the question (if not the curiosity) without getting into the nitty gritty parts that bug me, then do a redirect to something I'd prefer to talk about. (If I can shift conversations towards the subject of vacations, I consider myself successful. Almost all conversational roads can go to vacations [and then maybe something else from there]. Perfect because [usually] banal, positive, people often do want to talk about them and about themselves having them or having had them, etc.) If I can do it semi-humourously, that helps a lot.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:49 AM on May 24, 2017


"it's cool if you don't want to tell me, but it's certainly not a personal question for all the other musicians I know."

Sorry, but I don't think that's a good response. That's essentially peer pressuring somebody and telling them that they're wrong or at least in the drastic minority for not wanting to answer your question. I'm a musician, and you don't know me, but I could see why that'd be personal to some of the musicians I know - sometimes even myself.

If somebody tells you that they don't want to answer a question, and you're mildly curious/just making small talk, the polite thing to do is not bite the hand that's pushing you gently away.

To the original poster, as far being the hand gently pushing away, it seems like there's some pretty good answers in here, but like some have said, a lot of the assume some sort of rudeness involved. Even when all signs point to rude, I usually just smile at them and say, "I don't wanna get into it."

If they push after that, then I get rude, too.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:22 AM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Homo neanderthalensis had it right: "Why do you ask?"

My wife and I are the parents of two adopted daughters from China. When they were young, we often were approached by strangers with sometimes inappropriate questions. Our adoption agency taught us to ask the above question. First, it gave us time to think. Second, depending on the response, it allowed us to answer in a way that was appropriate.

So, if someone was just being nosy, you could say, "I'm sorry, but that's something I don't talk about." But, if someone has a genuine interest in something and you decide you want to respond, you can.

Once I was taking one of my toddler daughters into the subway on an elevator. As we were going down, an Asian woman asked, "Is your wife Vietnamese?" I simply said, "No." And, that was that.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:54 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


slkinsey: "it's cool if you don't want to tell me, but it's certainly not a personal question for all the other musicians I know."

destructive cactus:
Sorry, but I don't think that's a good response. That's essentially peer pressuring somebody and telling them that they're wrong or at least in the drastic minority for not wanting to answer your question. I'm a musician, and you don't know me, but I could see why that'd be personal to some of the musicians I know - sometimes even myself.

If somebody tells you that they don't want to answer a question, and you're mildly curious/just making small talk, the polite thing to do is not bite the hand that's pushing you gently away.


Yeah, I suppose it depends on the tenor of the first response. If I casually asked someone how much they practiced and they said, "actually I don't really like to talk about my practice habits" I would be likely to just say, "no problem" and move on. That would be a "gentle push." But FencingGal's interlocutor did more than a gentle push by implying that this was a forbidden subject area for musicians and that her question had violated a social taboo as strong as asking about someone's income. This is a characterization I might have wanted to correct.

The point is, really, that it shouldn't have come to that in the first place. Certainly FencingGal was well within social norms in asking the question, and certainly her interlocutor was well within social norms to decline conversation on that topic. But the response was disproportionate and impolite, and it is not true that the question trespassed into territory that is considered sacrosanct by musicians. This is is illustrative of my earlier suggestion that it's not okay to respond to what you may perceive as a socially inappropriate question with a socially inappropriate rejoinder of your own. What's wrong with simply saying, "I'm sorry, but that's not really something I like to talk about" and then turning the conversation in another direction? As in: "You know, I don't really like to talk about my practice habits. But that Elgar concerto is a beast, right? It's hard to get Jacqueline du Pré out of my ears."
posted by slkinsey at 12:37 PM on May 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


slkinsey Gotcha! That makes sense. I was mistaken about the 'gently pushing away' part in that example.
posted by destructive cactus at 12:48 PM on May 24, 2017


Best answer: I usually go with something like "ugh, don't even get me started" or "it's complicated" or "oh my goodness, let's talk about something more pleasant, shall we?".

I find "why do you ask?" to be weirdly aggressive. I suppose it's because I can be both very curious (for curiosity's sake) and a social clod so I've heard that phrase one too many times in response to what I thought was an innocent question. When people have said something along the lines of "well bless your heart for asking" it allows both of us to exit the conversation gracefully, while teaching me that I've crossed a social boundary, but without embarrassing me further than I've already embarrassed myself. I find that most nosy people don't have ill intent, but just may not have learned the best social graces yet.

Still, the responses I've outlined also work on those who have ill intent or who have proven themselves to be gossips, but you won't end up looking aggressive and angry ('cause then they'll just gossip about that).
posted by vignettist at 1:29 PM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


I never want to answer a nosy question posed by a stranger again. I also don't want to feel badly for deflecting nosy questions, and I don't want to seem cold.

"Sorry! No time to chat!" If outdoors, walk away. If indoors or in a confined space like public transport, insert earbuds and ignore.

Point toward your throat and wave your hand horizontally a few times indicating that you can't speak. Smile if you feel like it. Walk away or insert earbuds and ignore.

If you're already in a conversation with the person and they then spring a nosy question on you, smile icily and shake your head as if indicating "Nope. Not going there." Then either change the subject or extricate yourself from the conversation, depending on whether you intend to have continued interaction with the person or not. If not, you'll never see or interact with this person again, so who cares what they think? If it's a coworker or someone you'll run into on occasion, then they've just learned your boundaries and will learn to adjust accordingly. People who persist in asking you personal questions after your initial rebuff are boundary pushers and should not be indulged. Don't feel bad about being rude to such people.

The key is to practice your responses in advance, either in your head or out loud in front of a mirror, so that when the situation occurs again, your response is automatic and assertive. That way you you won't be caught off guard or left kicking yourself after the fact again.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:39 PM on May 24, 2017


Response by poster: Thank you for all of your responses. To clarify, I suppose what one person may think is intrusive, another feels is normal 'small talk.' I'm looking more for specific lines to use in any situation, because I find prodding questions of any kind to be rude. I never do that to people I don't know and I've never understood why people do that to me. It seems like a social norm though. I was raised in a conservative home and spent my time in the suburbs and the country, where everyone minded their own business. Unless someone offered up personal information to you, you didn't really ask or poke around for it, even if it was simple information, unless you knew the person very well. I'm finding that as an adult I'm encountering so many busybodies who want to know a bunch of small details about me, which lead to even more intrusive questions, and I just get confused and upset. I value privacy and I feel that I am a benign hermit sort who just wants to be left alone and that's my right. Standing up for myself is the issue, standing up for this belief.

For example, one thing I find really unpleasant and invasive is when the front desk person at a hotel asks me why I'm in [city], how often I come there, what I'm doing, etc.

^ This is a 'know your customer' thing, just like with banks. They are trained to ask you a slew of personal questions and to put the answers into a system that prompts them on their screens. It's sold as a method to catch criminals, but in my opinion it's more nefarious and intrusive than that. I too was asked a slew of strange questions at a hotel and then again at my bank the next week and I spoke with the branch manager about it, she admitted it was a thing that she 'wasn't really supposed to talk about' and got all paranoid, then she said she didn't mind if "they" installed a camera in her office. WTF? Scary stuff.
posted by Avosunspin at 3:10 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


" I'm looking more for specific lines to use in any situation..."

In addition to the many excellent lines already given...

"rather not say"
"the usual"
"same as most"
"ahhhhh"
"mmmm"
"let me get back to you on that"

It's often entertaining to not quite answer the question:

"good, thanks."
"good, thanks. And you?"
"oh, not much"
"not sure"
"reply hazy, ask again later"
"wha..."
"I haven't decided yet"
"oh, around 3:30, thanks!"
"were you the person who I asked about that letter?"
posted by at at 3:24 PM on May 24, 2017


If it's someone who's supposed to be providing you a service, then you don't need to be worried about being polite. Something like "let's just go ahead and check me in" is fine for a front desk clerk who is doing data collection. I hate that stuff too.

There's a big difference between data collection on customers, and someone trying to connect with you socially. Showing interest in other people is what most people consider "being friendly." I have to remind myself to do it, because I do not actually care where my neighbor went to college or met his wife &c., but where I live it's considered rude not to. So with these folks you should be kind and deflective, but with clerks just be direct.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:33 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


The questions your bank teller is asking you are part of federal laws to prevent terrorism and money-laundering. Not sure why the manager was weird about it, as these laws are not secret nor are the general processes that tellers use to collection information. Banking is a highly regulated industry with a lot of auditing. There is nothing nefarious about it.

Some strangers are chatty and ask questions just because they are the kind of people who like to talk while they are passing time, or sharing space with you. Perhaps they think it would be rude to sit so close or to be in the elevator with you or help check you out if they didn't say anything. Most people also realize that if they get a short one or two word answer that the other person isn't interested in talking.
posted by Amanda B at 8:06 PM on May 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


One of my personal favorite responses came up in the book "The Valley of Amazement" by Amy Tan, where the main character teaches another character to respond to questions of this type with the words "In this matter, do not feel concerned for my sake." I've used variations of that in my own life repeatedly (especially when I needed to be polite, and especially if I was going to see those same "nosy people," again). In situations where there is less of a need to be polite, I've also found great satisfaction in answering with "I don't know" (even if it was for something a person obviously would know about themselves), accompanied by a blank stare.
posted by soaringpineapple at 10:34 PM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


'I'm finding that as an adult I'm encountering so many busybodies who want to know a bunch of small details about me, which lead to even more intrusive questions, and I just get confused and upset.'

You should probably know that many other people come from social/cultural backgrounds where it's considered polite to ask questions and get to know someone when you first meet them. Indeed, asking questions and active listening are pretty standard social advice on AskMeFi. You have every right to deflect questions you don't feel comfortable answering - but perhaps you should try to refrain from labelling people with a different conversational style, from a different cultural background, as 'busybodies.'
posted by nerdfish at 2:40 AM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


My go-to brush-off in these situations is, "I'm not at liberty to say." Might not be appropriate depending on the specific situation.
posted by Devoidoid at 9:14 AM on May 25, 2017


I love that you define yourself as a benign hermit. I support your right to be exist unmolested by other peoples discomfort with silence, uncertainty, or the stomach churning terror of an unwilling mirror to social engagement.

In order to ward off such intrusions, be firm in your self identification. Be placid. You are a benign hermit. If someone knocks on your door, you do not have to let them in.

Be kind, though. People are restless and curious. They may even genuinely like you and want to get to know you. Take pity. Offer a conversational tic tac, a balm: "oh, I grew up in the suburbs, very ordinary". Perhaps lie."oh, I saw family this past weekend. Nothing special".

If you are firm and comfortable with your self identification, these questions will feel less like attacks and more like the ordinary course of business in life.

Sometimes benign hermits have to take action. You have to build and maintain your fence or people will accidentally or intentionally trespass.
posted by charlielxxv at 9:43 AM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


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