How to Gracefully Admit When You F***** UP

April 14, 2017 8:15 AM

New mom, new job and overwhelmed. Making lots of small mistakes and feel like a big one is coming. What do I do?

Sorry this will be quite long and I’ll try to be succinct but here goes.

I've had horrible anxiety and panic attacks for the last few years in which I've changed four jobs in four years. Anxiety, panic, fear caused me to leave my first two jobs but at the time I didn't realize the problem mostly lied in me not the jobs themselves. During the third job I got married, pregnant and I think I was so distracted that the anxiety and panic subsided a bit. Nearing labor date, I decided that the commute to third job was too long and didn't align with my goals in raising a family; being close to baby in case of emergencies as daycare was close to home, being home for dinner every night, and to be less stressful overall (worked in tradeshows/events, which was extremely stressful though fulfilling) so during maternity leave I interviewed for a position close to home, still in marketing but only two trade shows as opposed to 100+. Job description seemed less than what I was doing before, so felt like the right fit and they were willing to wait a month and a half for me complete my maternity leave to begin work.

Started in January, and it's been really hard on many levels. Heartache of being away from baby didn't really kick-in until this month, but adjusting to the new work culture, getting a handle on all the new products in this new industry that I really don't fully understand, and the amount of work/requests/projects that I'm working on with such close and tight deadlines is really hard for me to manage especially with this all too real case of baby brain I have been having. It’s been extremely hard to focus, to remember things, takes too long for things to click. People have to repeat things to me before I understand. Also prioritization of work has been difficult because my boss doesn't tell me if something isn't as important when I bring it up, but then after the fact I realize I've wasted my time on that task/project when I should have prioritized something else instead. He is swamped right now so I have been trying to be respectful of his time, but he is the complete opposite of a micromanager which would be ideal if I didn’t need more direction.

Now fear, anxiety, panic are back in full force. I cry uncontrollably when it’s time to leave the house. I really want to hide in my house and never come out. I have a trade show next week that has been horribly painful to put together. It’s nowhere near the quality of work I am capable of doing, but instead I’m afraid that when we get there something will be horribly wrong, and though I am great at putting out fires, what if it’s something that really blows up in my face. How do I handle that gracefully? I have the second trade show I am scheduled for the year in June which I am trying to apply my lessons learned to, but I can’t get past the feelings of incompetence and fear. I am working with a therapist on learning push past my fear and break these panic attacks but I need some career advice. How do I ask for help, so late in the game now? How do I save face? I have been in this job for four months and have yet to have a single big project that was executed flawlessly to prove that I am of value to the company. Though I am pumping at work, I bust my ass every second I am at work and try to get at least one or two things done in the evening (so hard with a breastfeeding baby) to try to keep up but things take me so long to complete because I am so new and clueless, I just can’t keep up with all the emails, requests, ideas, projects that I have doing on.

So my questions:
- How to I handle errors in this trade show participation I coordinated? If someone mentions “x is missing? Why didn’t we show x? Why didn’t you consult so-and-so?”
- How do I ask for help, after the fact? I've already been here for 4 months. Is it too late to ask for help? I need more product training. I need help but I don’t know how to verbalize what help I need.
- How do get a handle of work that I am falling more and more behind on? We have Good Friday off but I plan on working it so I can try to catch up on work. This makes me really sad. I would have loved this time off with my son and plan on working this weekend as well. Hopefully that will give me a boost, but I’m already really negative about it all
- How do I avoid falling behind again?
- Any other advice you have for me?

Between baby brain and this panic state it’s really hard to see the clear picture and put an action plan to tackle this. I appreciate your help. I don’t want to quit this job (well I’d love to stay home with baby now, but that may also just be me wanting to run away from the problems) especially since I’ve job hopped too much. I want to stay here at least 5 years or as long as possible to balance out the short stints on my resume. I did read here that its best not to bring any of this up during my 3 month review. So how do I go about remedying the situation without shooting myself in the foot or making things worse? I'm tired of constantly worrying, constantly apologizing, constantly making everything harder for myself. I want to manage my workload properly, meet deadlines, have work-life balance. No longer have work be a burden but instead something I can feel professional growth.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (6 answers total)

Am I understanding that you haven't discussed this with your primary care doctor? Therapy is clearly not getting the job done for you right now, at least not on its own. You are literally sitting here asking how you are going to deal with a job crisis that hasn't happened and isn't impending. Your brain is telling you that this is planning and being responsible, but it is actually catastrophizing that is paralyzing you. You really need to get stabilized on some medication so you don't have to fight your brain every step of the way every day. You don't have to live like this!
posted by praemunire at 8:25 AM on April 14, 2017 [7 favorites]

I can't tell from your question if you are really failing or if you are in an anxious perfectionist trap. As a fellow anxiety sufferer who is deeply invested in my career this happens often to me. You are no doubt very aware that being a working mom to an infant is hard even for people holding down easier jobs that they've been doing for years, right?

You no doubt make mistakes. But I'm certain you are valuable to your place of work.

Here is how I try to sort these things out.

1) what am i REALLY afraid of? You have centered your anxiety on this one event. If this event were a disaster, 100% what would happen? My guess is that your thoughts about that is what you are worried about. Proving yourself to be a bad hire (you weren't)? Getting fired? Getting yelled at? Spend some time trying to dig down into the root of what you are afraid of.

2) focus on a short term win or success and set that as a goal. Make it something that you know will help and that you knw you can pull off. It seems like maybe you made this event that thing -- and now you are not sure it will work out? But maybe (just a hunch) your idea of what makes an event successful is outsized. You're new. You don't need to break records for perfection. Make the prize achievable and then keep your eyes on it.

3) consider morning meditation. I like the headspace app. 10 minutes of breathing and clearing the mind lasts me all day. I am 100% more reactive when I don't do this. Take a moment to breathe and say something centering to yourself before you open any door. I have been saying "don't react immediately" and it helps me.

4) to be honest you sound like a hardcore imposter syndrome sufferer to me. If you're anything like me, you have built an identity as an extra-mile going rockstar who always executes flawlessly. And using that confidence you landed this job and they made concessions for you to hire you (in your mind these may seem like wildly accommodating ones -- but they are reasonable and normal for a new mom). You now have a new identity: working mom! And working mom is an expert in her field but she is not a one person army anymore. Guess what? Working mom is EVERY bit as valuable as rockstar was, because she is the same person but leveled up.

5) Asking for help, whenever you need it, is a sign of professionalism and maturity, not of failure or poor performance. Ask for what you need. Phrase your questions succinctly and clearly and with no ambiguity so help is easier yo give.

Good luck to you! I am an Internet stranger but I really believe you got this on lock!
posted by pazazygeek at 8:45 AM on April 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

I'm super anxious, and I also started a new job in the past few months. I can only imagine the stresses of being a new mom. I feel for you.

Honestly, people screw up when they're in a new role and there's no shame in that. As much as you can, treat mistakes as learning opportunities. When something goes wrong, tell your colleagues, "Wow, I'm sorry that happened. I'm still learning and will do better going forward." Tell yourself, "Okay, that sucked. Next time you won't miss that detail!" And so on.

Talk to your GP about meds, if you haven't already. I am not exaggerating when I say that taking Prozac for my anxiety literally changed my life.

See a therapist, if your schedule allows. Consider something like Talkspace or Seven Cups of Tea if you can't carve out time to see a therapist in person.

Good luck! Don't let your Anxious Brain take over your life.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:04 AM on April 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don't have great advice on the anxiety front, but to answer your more specific job-related questions: I think you should schedule a meeting with your boss asap. I know you said he's busy, but it's part of his job to help you (although I wonder if his busyness is a sign that this company in general requires more work of folks than is reasonable, but that's a tangent).

At this meeting, you can say something like "I have been struggling to keep up with the volume of work I'm being assigned, especially since so many of them have close deadlines. For example, this recent trade show had X missing because I wasn't able to get to it while handling A B and C at the same time. I realize I should have come to you sooner so we could have avoided these issues, but I was overwhelmed and still trying to get my feet under me at a new job. In order to fix this going forward, I think I need:
A) Some kind of training on the product like ABC, so that I can be more efficient when doing XYZ tasks
B) A better sense of prioritization - can you give me any guidelines as to what clients/projects need to be always at the top, and which kinds of things are not as important? And do I have the authority to push back on requests that aren't as important, or do I need to bring it to you first before I can tell Bob that I can't complete his request until next month?
C) A recurring (daily/weekly/monthly) meeting with you so we can touch base on my workload/deadlines/any problems. That way we can both stay on top of any issues that may be arising, or shift priorities as needed."

Obviously you can adjust this to fit your communication style and your particular issues, but the key things are to:

1) lay out the major issues so your boss isn't blindsided if the trade show stuff comes up,
2) provide solutions to the problems (e.g. look up a specific training class if you can - providing solutions will show your boss that you are serious about fixing the problem), and
3) setup a recurring meeting with your boss, so that in the future you don't get so deep into the hole again where you're freaking out. I think the more frequent the better, but obviously it depends on the nature of your work. I would only go with monthly as a last resort though, it sounds like weekly or semi-monthly would be important especially right now while you're still trying to fix everything.

Having regular check-ins will give you a chance to ask your boss things like, "hey, Joe said he needs project Q done by the end of the week, but I'm already working 50 hours this week on Jane's Project M, should I tell Joe no or do I need to let Jane know I'll be delayed since I can't do both on time?" And then you can go back to Joe/Jane and let them know that your boss says you can't have it done by deadline 1, but you can get it done by deadline 2.

I don't think you need to mention the "baby brain" at all - it sounds like your workload is unmanagable/your boss is being unhelpful enough that you'd be having these issues even if you had never had a baby. The first few months of a job are hard for everyone, and you've had basically 0 support from your company during that time. I think a lot of your fears are just your anxiety talking - I would guess 90% of employees have not had "a single big project that was executed flawlessly" EVER in their career, let alone in the first 4 months! Most (sane) employers don't expect people to be literally perfect.

Good luck with everything! I learned everything I wrote above from the blog AskAManager.org, I highly recommend it for guidelines on workplace behavior. My response was from memory, but after googling I see I was inspired heavily by these pieces from her:
How to Handle Being Overloaded and Overworked
help! my workload is too high and I’m burning out
posted by jouir at 9:05 AM on April 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

I really feel for you. It really IS hard to keep up. Your heart and mind really IS full of thoughts and love for your new baby in a way that makes it harder at work. And new jobs are just tough. You are new. Please, take a deep breath and cut yourself some slack.

Here's what I'd do. Schedule a meeting with your boss Monday (if the trade show isn't Monday), to say "I'd like to review my plans for the trade show. Here's what I've done. Here's what I'd like to do by June but was unable to do for this trade show. Do you see any gaps? Is there anything I should include / bring / whatever that I don't have?" Let oversights fall on his / her shoulders. Then schedule another meeting shortly after the trade show with your supervisor and any other internal stakeholders. "This was my first trade show, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on what we want to keep for the June trade show and what improvements we should make." Would that work? Will they be in attendance? If not, then just bring a list to your boss saying, "in my opinion, here is what I thought went well, and here is what I want to change for next time. How would you prioritize these? Anything else?"

If anyone says "why didn't you include X?" try some combination of "that did not come up in the planning meetings / nobody mentioned that" and "we had to prioritize given the short timeline / limited table space" and "great suggestion! we'll do that in June!" as appropriate. Don't act like "oh god, you're right, that was a terrible screw-up" unless they do. Just try to partner with them to fix that going forward. "Good point -- thanks for that suggestion! I'm still getting up to speed on all of the products, and in planning discussions, that product was not highlighted for me as one to include. But it's a great product, and I'd love to include it going forward. In fact, why don't we set up some time in mid-May so that I can review what I'm planning for the June trade show with you and make sure that I'm up to speed on all of your team's work?"

If they're really like "WTF??? how did you make this kind of screw up???" which they won't be, but if they are, then handle it kinda like "oh, I see now that this was important and an oversight. I had not understood that previously and wish I had. I'd like to sit down and discuss [expectations / a better planning process] so that I can [balance the many things I'm asked to do / meet all of the internal stakeholders' needs / best support the company goals]." If they're going to give you huge hassles when an oversight occurs, then they need to sit down with you and create a process that will provide you the input, support, review, and time that you need to minimize the oversights.

I know that events are stressful, but seriously, every event has screw-ups. This is your first event at this job; you just started three months ago; and you have been racing to get up to speed while also doing a lot of other work, it sounds like. Just plan on making a list of "what went well and what will we change for next time." Making mistakes is really normal.

In an ongoing way, ask your supervisor for a set time to meet. Ask their help prioritizing your work. Try to be really clear and realistic about how much you can get done (under-promise; you can always over-deliver!).
posted by salvia at 12:53 PM on April 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

With a newish baby, sleep deprivation happens. I found that my anxiety skyrockets when I'm sleep deprived. So, I would try to just get some more sleep if you're having this problem. See if your spouse can do a couple of nights for you so you can catch up on rest. Think seriously about sleep training, four-six months is a great time to do that. See if you can get a relative to take a night or two so you can rest thoroughly, then see how you feel. That would seriously be my first step if at all possible.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:43 PM on April 14, 2017