"I want to date you, and also, other people..."
March 6, 2017 8:11 AM Subscribe
It's rude for a guy you've gone out with once to scope out other women in front of you... right?
Just looking for a second set of minds on this question.
I'm a commitment-loving woman who dates men. I went on a date with a man through Tinder. We had a great conversation and followed up a 2-hour phone call, discussing things like deal-breakers, life trajectories, really interesting things. We kissed at the end of the date.
He's new in town. He held a dinner this weekend where he invited a few people and had them bring their friends, being open that this was his tactic to expand his social network. He invited me; it seemed like a good way to get to know him better and spend time together. At the party there was one other woman he'd met on a dating app, though he introduced us both as "people I met randomly." He made comments along the lines of, "Okay, people, introduce me to your friends, and also, if you know any single women..."
I feel like it was unclassy and uncool to be so open about looking for people to date when the other woman and I were there. I felt I wanted him to tell everyone we had gone out and planned to go out more, but also know I have no expectation of commitment at this stage. Something in between the two would have felt better to me.
[More context from the party: He invited me to come over early, but I wasn't able to. He propped me up in front of everyone, followed me to the kitchen to chat when I went there alone, and when I left he walked me out and awkwardly kissed me (awkwardly, because I was starting to feel frustrated and unsure). And now he wants to meet up again.]
So, people who do modern dating, what was happening here? It's hard for me to navigate the shape of the space between interest and exclusivity.
Is this guy super rude? Is he just following principles of casual dating (of which I might not be a fan and that's fine)? Am I unrealistic in expectations?
If this is mainly a difference in dating culture and we discuss it, is there a chill way to do it? Like, "I'm looking for someone who wants to settle down and while we will both likely go out with other people unless we make things exclusive, I do want to be moving in that direction?"
Just looking for a second set of minds on this question.
I'm a commitment-loving woman who dates men. I went on a date with a man through Tinder. We had a great conversation and followed up a 2-hour phone call, discussing things like deal-breakers, life trajectories, really interesting things. We kissed at the end of the date.
He's new in town. He held a dinner this weekend where he invited a few people and had them bring their friends, being open that this was his tactic to expand his social network. He invited me; it seemed like a good way to get to know him better and spend time together. At the party there was one other woman he'd met on a dating app, though he introduced us both as "people I met randomly." He made comments along the lines of, "Okay, people, introduce me to your friends, and also, if you know any single women..."
I feel like it was unclassy and uncool to be so open about looking for people to date when the other woman and I were there. I felt I wanted him to tell everyone we had gone out and planned to go out more, but also know I have no expectation of commitment at this stage. Something in between the two would have felt better to me.
[More context from the party: He invited me to come over early, but I wasn't able to. He propped me up in front of everyone, followed me to the kitchen to chat when I went there alone, and when I left he walked me out and awkwardly kissed me (awkwardly, because I was starting to feel frustrated and unsure). And now he wants to meet up again.]
So, people who do modern dating, what was happening here? It's hard for me to navigate the shape of the space between interest and exclusivity.
Is this guy super rude? Is he just following principles of casual dating (of which I might not be a fan and that's fine)? Am I unrealistic in expectations?
If this is mainly a difference in dating culture and we discuss it, is there a chill way to do it? Like, "I'm looking for someone who wants to settle down and while we will both likely go out with other people unless we make things exclusive, I do want to be moving in that direction?"
Huh. I think it's really rude and I'd take it as a sign that he wasn't really interested, although that could be just pique. I'd definitely be offended.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:14 AM on March 6, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:14 AM on March 6, 2017 [6 favorites]
It doesn't matter what "modern" dating is, if that's even a real thing. It's not the kind of dating you want to do. I understand it's a big disappointment after what appeared to be such a promising start, but this guy isn't what you're looking for.
posted by Dolley at 8:15 AM on March 6, 2017 [29 favorites]
posted by Dolley at 8:15 AM on March 6, 2017 [29 favorites]
it was unclassy and uncool to be so open about looking for people to date when the other woman and I were there.
Yep, and that's putting it gently. However, some of my best friends are occasionally unclassy, uncool, or otherwise awkward. Maybe this is a new-town jitters thing. He's obviously very anxious to make friends and meet single women, but that's not necessarily a DTMFA offense in my opinion.
It would be understandable to walk away right now, but you also have the option to give him the benefit of the doubt: proceed cautiously, tell him how you feel, and let his response inform your decision on whether to continue the dating/acquaintanceship.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:17 AM on March 6, 2017 [12 favorites]
Yep, and that's putting it gently. However, some of my best friends are occasionally unclassy, uncool, or otherwise awkward. Maybe this is a new-town jitters thing. He's obviously very anxious to make friends and meet single women, but that's not necessarily a DTMFA offense in my opinion.
It would be understandable to walk away right now, but you also have the option to give him the benefit of the doubt: proceed cautiously, tell him how you feel, and let his response inform your decision on whether to continue the dating/acquaintanceship.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:17 AM on March 6, 2017 [12 favorites]
I have no idea what "modern" dating entails but the main reason dating a few people concurrently until you decide to be exclusive with one person works (barring some sort of alternative, non-monogamous relationship you should communicate about up front) is the unspoken understanding that you keep any other dating business private. I mean, you might say "I'm seeing a couple people" but leave it at that.
This "hey everyone, line me up with dates!" crap is ridiculous.
posted by mikeh at 8:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [24 favorites]
This "hey everyone, line me up with dates!" crap is ridiculous.
posted by mikeh at 8:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [24 favorites]
I don't think it's extremely rude -- sort of socially clueless, but not red alert level rudeness -- to me. BUT the important thing is that it sounds like he's a bad partner for YOU because you guys aren't in alignment on this. You are not obligated to keep dating someone because you went on one nice date. It sounds like this is simply a bad match, and so I would just tell him so and go forth and date other people.
If your question is more "Is this the sort of thing I will have to put up with from any potential partner because this is just how people date these days," I think no. His behavior is definitely odd, whether or not one would categorize it as rude. I do not think you will frequently encounter it.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:35 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
If your question is more "Is this the sort of thing I will have to put up with from any potential partner because this is just how people date these days," I think no. His behavior is definitely odd, whether or not one would categorize it as rude. I do not think you will frequently encounter it.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:35 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I can't fathom how he thought inviting multiple women he's *currently* dating to a party, and then asking everyone there to hook him up, was a good idea. DMTFA for extremely poor judgement (and rudeness, yes, that was rude).
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:39 AM on March 6, 2017 [52 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:39 AM on March 6, 2017 [52 favorites]
This guy is self-absorbed! Aside from the dating culture, you're a commitment-loving woman and this is a deal breaker.
posted by mountainblue at 8:44 AM on March 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by mountainblue at 8:44 AM on March 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
If someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. This is who this guy is. It does not work for you.
posted by kate blank at 8:45 AM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by kate blank at 8:45 AM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
Yeah, I want to amend my prior answer. It's not necessarily a sign he's not "interested" but that isn't the question to ask. It is definitely a sign that he's not the right guy for you. This sort of thing doesn't happen when the match is right. Whatever he might be interested in, it isn't in being respectful and considerate and mature in his dealings with you, and you shouldn't see him again.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:50 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:50 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I feel like I don't have enough information on this one (and maybe you don't either). It does seem like a rude thing to say, and I get where you're coming from being offended by it. But if the only red flag is his "any single ladies" joke (even if repeated, if it's the same dumb joke), it's also a low-hanging ice-breaker-y kind of comment that someone who was new in town and has been single for a while might make as a reflex. Was it said in a joking manner, or more seriously? Has he ever been in a committed relationship?
You had one date, which went well. Presumably the other woman he met from the dating site has the same basic story with him. As far as he knows, you're a potential girlfriend, not a girlfriend. And possibly so is the other woman there. So technically he's still looking (and I'm assuming so are you? I think it's reasonable to assume that one if not both (if not all) of you are still actively using dating apps despite whatever promise this shows?). So I'd chalk that up to weirdly too honest rather than maliciously insensitive.
I think if you still like the guy, this is something you can have a conversation about - he may genuinely not have correlated what he thought was a funny or neutral ice-breaker single-guy joke with how one acts around a potential girlfriend - either because he doesn't actually see you as a potential girlfriend, or because he really is that clueless. If it's the former, talking with him about it will clarify things. If it's the latter, he may get really embarrassed but I suspect you won't have to worry about it happening again. Assuming you don't mind being with someone who can be that clueless.
Of course he could just be a self-centered jerk and you're better off without him. But that sort of tone-deaf callousness is making a lot of people here say "that's really not usual" - and while unusually selfish people are definitely out there polluting the dating pool, there's also a lot of bumbling people who just don't get it. And in my experience, they can be taught.
posted by Mchelly at 8:53 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
You had one date, which went well. Presumably the other woman he met from the dating site has the same basic story with him. As far as he knows, you're a potential girlfriend, not a girlfriend. And possibly so is the other woman there. So technically he's still looking (and I'm assuming so are you? I think it's reasonable to assume that one if not both (if not all) of you are still actively using dating apps despite whatever promise this shows?). So I'd chalk that up to weirdly too honest rather than maliciously insensitive.
I think if you still like the guy, this is something you can have a conversation about - he may genuinely not have correlated what he thought was a funny or neutral ice-breaker single-guy joke with how one acts around a potential girlfriend - either because he doesn't actually see you as a potential girlfriend, or because he really is that clueless. If it's the former, talking with him about it will clarify things. If it's the latter, he may get really embarrassed but I suspect you won't have to worry about it happening again. Assuming you don't mind being with someone who can be that clueless.
Of course he could just be a self-centered jerk and you're better off without him. But that sort of tone-deaf callousness is making a lot of people here say "that's really not usual" - and while unusually selfish people are definitely out there polluting the dating pool, there's also a lot of bumbling people who just don't get it. And in my experience, they can be taught.
posted by Mchelly at 8:53 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yeah...that's about the unsexiest, turn-offiest, gives-me-the-'no'-feeling thing I can think of. It's like he's saying, "Here I am, everyone, show me all your women. Oh, and while I'm fishing for a better one, you'll do for now".
Piss on that. Walk away.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 9:17 AM on March 6, 2017 [34 favorites]
Piss on that. Walk away.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 9:17 AM on March 6, 2017 [34 favorites]
Some of the responses so far seem to suggest that there are clear, consensus rules about what is and is not appropriate for all people. There are no such rules. If you're upset with this behavior, the person to discuss it with is the man you're discussing. The two of you haven't set any baseline rules of conduct, it seems, and until you do so you will both step on one anothers' toes. Why not just ask him about it, and make your expectations for future interactions clear?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:20 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:20 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
That's something I would do if I was still weighing my options. He may not be as interested in you as you are in him.
But, if you feel the chemistry was really there, ask him if he thinks what you two have is worth pursuing.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:23 AM on March 6, 2017
But, if you feel the chemistry was really there, ask him if he thinks what you two have is worth pursuing.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:23 AM on March 6, 2017
Uhg, don't stick around after one date to be the person who "teaches" someone how to have manners. It's like being the person who teaches someone hygiene. There are adults out there who know how to wash their butts, date them.
posted by Dynex at 9:24 AM on March 6, 2017 [29 favorites]
posted by Dynex at 9:24 AM on March 6, 2017 [29 favorites]
I'm probably super old-fashioned when it comes to modern dating norms myself so not sure if I can really give advice on the romantic aspect, but it kind of sounds like he generally views relationships as commodities and may be somewhat selfish in his interactions with people. I mean, I get that he's new in town but the whole, "I just met you and probably don't even know you that well but introduce me to all your friends" thing seems kind of off-putting (even leaving aside the dating/exclusivity thing), like he's trying to collect people and find the best! most interesting! sexiest! new friends/lovers possible.
I'd probably try to emotionally distance myself a bit from this person at least for a little while; if I found that I couldn't, I think I'd probably stop seeing him.
posted by eeek at 9:27 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'd probably try to emotionally distance myself a bit from this person at least for a little while; if I found that I couldn't, I think I'd probably stop seeing him.
posted by eeek at 9:27 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Hard pass.
This guy isn't worth another thought, much less another conversation about his intentions towards you. Are there women out there who are a-ok with this kind of behavior? Sure, probably a few of them. Do you really want to be one of those women? Is this (seemingly clueless) guy you've been on one date with even worth the time you took to type out this Ask? Probably not.
posted by scantee at 9:28 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
This guy isn't worth another thought, much less another conversation about his intentions towards you. Are there women out there who are a-ok with this kind of behavior? Sure, probably a few of them. Do you really want to be one of those women? Is this (seemingly clueless) guy you've been on one date with even worth the time you took to type out this Ask? Probably not.
posted by scantee at 9:28 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
"NewInTown, at the party you asked if I knew any single women. I think I know a single woman who'd be good for you. But didn't you and her go [activity you and NewInTown did together] a week or two back? She had a good time and was at least a little into you. I'd set you up with her before I'd set you up with anybody else. If you're interested, anyway."
You have the right to quietly decide this is a dealbreaker, if you need internet stranger permission. But if you'd already decided that, you probably wouldn't be on AskMe, so my guess is that you are trying to figure out a way to bridge your hopes and some behavior that you see might be incompatible or even rude.
We don't have enough information to judge whether what happened here is something that reveals his enduring character or general approach to relationships versus a momentary hiccup or artifact. Have a conversation with him, maybe something like what I wrote above (which I'd like to imagine has the virtue of being playful while signaling expectations) or perhaps something even more direct about what you're looking for and how you see requests to set him up with other single women as indicators that he's probably not interested in developing something with you.
posted by wildblueyonder at 9:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
You have the right to quietly decide this is a dealbreaker, if you need internet stranger permission. But if you'd already decided that, you probably wouldn't be on AskMe, so my guess is that you are trying to figure out a way to bridge your hopes and some behavior that you see might be incompatible or even rude.
We don't have enough information to judge whether what happened here is something that reveals his enduring character or general approach to relationships versus a momentary hiccup or artifact. Have a conversation with him, maybe something like what I wrote above (which I'd like to imagine has the virtue of being playful while signaling expectations) or perhaps something even more direct about what you're looking for and how you see requests to set him up with other single women as indicators that he's probably not interested in developing something with you.
posted by wildblueyonder at 9:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
So like... what's the advantage of going on another date with this guy? He's dating you, he's dating this other woman, he's looking for other hookups, and he didn't care that he was making you uncomfortable. Even if he's nice otherwise, it sounds like the kind of situation where he's nice when he wants something and doesn't care whether he hurts your feelings otherwise. There's no excuse for a grown adult to be this insensitive.
Move on.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:31 AM on March 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
Move on.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:31 AM on March 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
Continuing to look around is far more common than going monogamous after a single Tinder date. And among my social circle, it wouldn’t be weird to invite multiple people you’re casually dating to the same event. (This has backfired for me- two women I’d started seeing casually ended up getting together monogamously after meeting at one of my parties!) So this doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rude/ strange/ unethical/ uninterested, though it does suggest he’s not the “I’m going to wine you and dine you and woo you” type, and for that and many other reasons he may not be what you’re looking for.
posted by metasarah at 9:42 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 9:42 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Sounds like stupidity rather than malice, he invited a bunch of people he randomly knew and didn't think/realize 2 Tinder dates would show up and that it might be awkward. Then he tried to play it off with a dumb joke and spent the rest of the night worrying about what you thought, apparently.
Not enough information to make a judgement to me, but I guess in my social circle one Tinder date is still very super-flake zero-commitment "maybe potential friend" territory and this would be a very minor embarrassment, if at all. One of my friends has an ongoing joke about how people should bring their Tinder first dates to her parties actually..
posted by bradbane at 9:53 AM on March 6, 2017
Not enough information to make a judgement to me, but I guess in my social circle one Tinder date is still very super-flake zero-commitment "maybe potential friend" territory and this would be a very minor embarrassment, if at all. One of my friends has an ongoing joke about how people should bring their Tinder first dates to her parties actually..
posted by bradbane at 9:53 AM on March 6, 2017
Only you know if you feel strongly enough about your initial positive experience to talk to this guy about what happened and why it was bizarre. Because it was not normal and I would not want to talk to someone if what you described was my sole social experience with the guy. I've probably walked away from casual relationships for less because it's just seriously not worth it and I am not your social sherpa.
Additionally it may be normal/not unusual in some queer dating scenes to have multiple people you are / have been dating at a party, but I think that *in general* in typical hetero dating, one does not expect to see the other girl someone's been seeing at a party as if we're all there sipping champagne on The Bachelor or something. So he either made a mistake by inviting both of you or he's genuinely clueless enough to have had you both there on purpose. I have no idea, but choose your poison.
If you need permission to ghost on this guy, go for it. It's fine. I had someone bail on me after thee dates because of "communication issues" which sounded totally crazy to me (because we'd really not had the chance to communicate much and we'd managed to show up at the same place for dates so far, so . . . in terms of casual dating it seemed fine? Who knows) but people bail for less all the time. You are not obligated to be nice because he went on one good date with you. You can move on.
You can also try to talk to this dude, but honestly, I probably wouldn't. I value the ability to conduct yourself in public (politeness, manners, attempting to fit your behavior to where you are, etc) very highly, and this kind of stuff would tell me that's not his bag. I can't go around being Miss Manners for a dude or a lady I'm dating. I need them to be able to do this stuff on their own. If this is throwing a similar flag for you on values, just let it go. It's fine.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:12 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Additionally it may be normal/not unusual in some queer dating scenes to have multiple people you are / have been dating at a party, but I think that *in general* in typical hetero dating, one does not expect to see the other girl someone's been seeing at a party as if we're all there sipping champagne on The Bachelor or something. So he either made a mistake by inviting both of you or he's genuinely clueless enough to have had you both there on purpose. I have no idea, but choose your poison.
If you need permission to ghost on this guy, go for it. It's fine. I had someone bail on me after thee dates because of "communication issues" which sounded totally crazy to me (because we'd really not had the chance to communicate much and we'd managed to show up at the same place for dates so far, so . . . in terms of casual dating it seemed fine? Who knows) but people bail for less all the time. You are not obligated to be nice because he went on one good date with you. You can move on.
You can also try to talk to this dude, but honestly, I probably wouldn't. I value the ability to conduct yourself in public (politeness, manners, attempting to fit your behavior to where you are, etc) very highly, and this kind of stuff would tell me that's not his bag. I can't go around being Miss Manners for a dude or a lady I'm dating. I need them to be able to do this stuff on their own. If this is throwing a similar flag for you on values, just let it go. It's fine.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:12 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
He's a playaaaaa! If you sleep together, expect him to ghost until the next time he wants to again.
posted by benadryl at 10:14 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by benadryl at 10:14 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
He invited you to his house, to meet his friends, on the second meeting after a Tinder date. That's jumping a bunch of steps ahead on the dating timeline and could signal more seriousness than he intended to. He may have been (very awkwardly) trying to dial down the seriousness/commitment implied by you coming and meeting his friends. I do think that this could have been done more considerately, but I can imagine where he's coming from.
I disagree with the other folks in the thread who said this isn't a modern dating thing. It's definitely a modern dating thing. As bradbane said, one Tinder date means very little relative to what one non-Tinder date might mean, and I think people aren't getting that here.
It sounds like you're excited about this guy. I'd keep going (if you want to), and you can definitely bring this up to him if you want. If it makes you feel too weird, obviously don't keep dating him, but I don't think this is the automatic DTMFA people are suggesting.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 10:15 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I disagree with the other folks in the thread who said this isn't a modern dating thing. It's definitely a modern dating thing. As bradbane said, one Tinder date means very little relative to what one non-Tinder date might mean, and I think people aren't getting that here.
It sounds like you're excited about this guy. I'd keep going (if you want to), and you can definitely bring this up to him if you want. If it makes you feel too weird, obviously don't keep dating him, but I don't think this is the automatic DTMFA people are suggesting.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 10:15 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also, this dude definitely does NOT sound smooth enough to be a player.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 10:15 AM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by c'mon sea legs at 10:15 AM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
If you have to take to AskMe to ask if X relationship behaviour is ok after one date and one public gathering (during which he behaved like a fucking numbnut if you ask me) then run, run for the hills. The dating stage is supposed to be fun. You don't have to find your life partner right away but for Lord's sake find someone who doesn't make you feel shitty and insecure from the start.
posted by billiebee at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 10:28 AM on March 6, 2017 [16 favorites]
Yeah, inviting you and that other woman to a party where he's explicitly looking for other people to date seems crass, or clueless at the very best. I would have been embarrassed as one of the party-goers, if I'd known what was going on. Had I been considering introducing him to any women I knew, this would have put the ki-bosh on that.
If you really think he was just being clueless, then you might ask him directly what's up and tell him how you're feeling about this situation - this would only be worth your time if you actually think you'd still want to see this guy after this, though.
If it was deliberate rather than clueless, the only reasoning I can come up with is that this guy wanted to passively make it known to you and the other woman that he's still looking, which is just ... yuck. Use your words, dude. Alternatively, maybe he's trying to make himself seem like a hot commodity, kind of like how a car dealer will go out of their way to point out that they've got other buyers coming in to look at the car you're considering ... eh, regardless of his reason, I would agree that inviting you to this party and seeking other women in front of you is off-putting.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:34 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
If you really think he was just being clueless, then you might ask him directly what's up and tell him how you're feeling about this situation - this would only be worth your time if you actually think you'd still want to see this guy after this, though.
If it was deliberate rather than clueless, the only reasoning I can come up with is that this guy wanted to passively make it known to you and the other woman that he's still looking, which is just ... yuck. Use your words, dude. Alternatively, maybe he's trying to make himself seem like a hot commodity, kind of like how a car dealer will go out of their way to point out that they've got other buyers coming in to look at the car you're considering ... eh, regardless of his reason, I would agree that inviting you to this party and seeking other women in front of you is off-putting.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:34 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
My boyfriend did something similar. We met a few days before his birthday, and he invited me to his birthday party, where there were a couple of other women he had been casually dating in attendance. I ended up not going because I didn't really know him and I felt it would've been awkward for me. But the fact is, my dude can be awkward at times. We've been together for almost 10 years now and I love him dearly.
Also, I have a group of friends for which the line between friendship and casual dating is pretty damn blurred.
Sometimes these early stages of getting to know someone can be a little weird, and I think some people here are making some pretty huge assumptions about this guy's character or future behavior. If you still like him, hang out again and see how you feel then.
posted by girlmightlive at 10:35 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also, I have a group of friends for which the line between friendship and casual dating is pretty damn blurred.
Sometimes these early stages of getting to know someone can be a little weird, and I think some people here are making some pretty huge assumptions about this guy's character or future behavior. If you still like him, hang out again and see how you feel then.
posted by girlmightlive at 10:35 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Well, that's definitely awkward and seems like a bit of a faux pas to me, but I don't think it's a dealbreaker, if you are interested in getting to know him. If, this weirdness aside, you're still interested, I'd go on one more date and let him know that while you realize you are still casually dating, having this other woman at the dinner party coupled with his "if you know any single ladies" remark made you feel uncomfortable. His response to that will tell you everything you need to know. I wouldn't be surprised if he responds with an, "Oh god, you're right, that is really awkward. I'm so sorry." I also wouldn't be surprised if he gets all huffy or defensive, & then I'd confidently say, "boy bye," and move right along to a better prospect. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:37 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by katemcd at 10:37 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's not that unusual in modern dating for a guy to be insensitive, no. Which this was-- I wouldn't see him again if you don't want to feel this way again.
It is a thing for someone to use a dating app to hook up with as many people as possible. It's also a thing to be using it seeking a serious relationship. As long as both types of people are clear from the get-go, that's cool. He wasn't clear and he also treated you like one option of many but then like a girlfriend when it made him look good.
posted by kapers at 10:51 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
It is a thing for someone to use a dating app to hook up with as many people as possible. It's also a thing to be using it seeking a serious relationship. As long as both types of people are clear from the get-go, that's cool. He wasn't clear and he also treated you like one option of many but then like a girlfriend when it made him look good.
posted by kapers at 10:51 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
He's probably looking for hookups only , but doesn't have the guts to actually ask for that. So he might be stringing you along as a potential lay(or FWB). This isn't behavior of someone looking for a relationship. The awkwardness defence really doesn't hold up when he explicitly asked about single women with you there. He's seeing what he can get away with.
I've actually seen a guy do this before, he'd prowl around for casual hookups but didn't bother to tell his dates that outright, so there was just this crowd of women following him around with none of them really sure what's going on. The worst bit is he actually believed that doing this was the "nicer" option.
IMO, Don't pass go. There's tons of guys who will have the basic decency to be exclusive even during the "trial" period of the relationship. You should take the hint that this guy will be oblivious to your feelings(whether it's scum behavior or stupidity it's still the same outcome), and it's not worth you trying to school him in basic social manners.
posted by InkDrinker at 10:59 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've actually seen a guy do this before, he'd prowl around for casual hookups but didn't bother to tell his dates that outright, so there was just this crowd of women following him around with none of them really sure what's going on. The worst bit is he actually believed that doing this was the "nicer" option.
IMO, Don't pass go. There's tons of guys who will have the basic decency to be exclusive even during the "trial" period of the relationship. You should take the hint that this guy will be oblivious to your feelings(whether it's scum behavior or stupidity it's still the same outcome), and it's not worth you trying to school him in basic social manners.
posted by InkDrinker at 10:59 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's one thing to openly look/date around on an app while you're getting to know people and it's quite another to do this IN PERSON. Obviously nobody expects a commitment after one date but this is not what dating around and getting to know people looks like to me. This is seeking out other dates WHILE YOU ARE WITH HIM. I would expect that someone I was dating was not focusing on dating other people in my presence. This is not cool. Even in the realm of casual hookups I don't think it's cool to be openly seeking other hookups while you're with a hookup.
I would not waste my time on this guy. When I have seen this before it never plays out well for the person who is looking for a real relationship.
posted by Polychrome at 11:08 AM on March 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
I would not waste my time on this guy. When I have seen this before it never plays out well for the person who is looking for a real relationship.
posted by Polychrome at 11:08 AM on March 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
It's not even about exclusivity vs not, or communication styles, or "you're not a good match," stuff this early in getting to know someone. The OP has made it clear she's not expecting exclusivity just yet. It's the basic fucking manners of being polite to any and all of the people you are casually dating. Those manners would include not inviting multiple dating partners to the same gathering without a heads-up about that circumstance, and certainly not fishing for more dating partners while at an activity with a current dating partner. I would not be okay with this behavior on a first, second, third or any date.
Perhaps I am old and out of it, but I dated people I met online and I would not abide this kind of behavior. At some point it doesn't matter if it's cluelessness or malice, it's still terrible and not worth your time.
posted by misskaz at 11:09 AM on March 6, 2017 [18 favorites]
Perhaps I am old and out of it, but I dated people I met online and I would not abide this kind of behavior. At some point it doesn't matter if it's cluelessness or malice, it's still terrible and not worth your time.
posted by misskaz at 11:09 AM on March 6, 2017 [18 favorites]
Obviously I don't really know what this guy's thinking, but I'd bet he got kind of freaked out by the two-hour call where you discussed commitment-ey issues, and he was trying to be sure you got the message that he's not committed yet. Definitely awkward, definitely weird, but I'd ignore it for the moment if I were you. Great people do all sorts of weird and awkward stuff. If it becomes a pattern, then you'll know.
posted by nosila at 11:35 AM on March 6, 2017
posted by nosila at 11:35 AM on March 6, 2017
Ew, rude. I have done the "seeing multiple people at once" thing and this is not how you do it. You have a discussion in a normal environment together with your clothes on and without alcohol in your system on one of your early dates before you have slept together and you say "I imagine you are seeing other people still, as I am, I'm not ready to be exclusive yet, what do you think?" And that's that. That's the discussion. Sex should come up too, ideally, as having sex should be a conscious choice and not just a thing that happens without a clear understanding of where you both are.
This is just my two cents and how I've always approached it, and it works well for me. What you're describing would Not Work For Me At All, and it sounds like it's not working particularly well for you. I'd cut bait and go on dates with new, different people.
posted by sockermom at 11:45 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
This is just my two cents and how I've always approached it, and it works well for me. What you're describing would Not Work For Me At All, and it sounds like it's not working particularly well for you. I'd cut bait and go on dates with new, different people.
posted by sockermom at 11:45 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yuck! No, this is not normal.
Not sure which is worse, the putting you in a situation where you're "up against" another Tinder date, or openly trolling for other dates in front of you. Even if this guy isn't deliberately malicious, he's certainly clueless, and somebody that dense will bruise you in a million different ways without even knowing why.
posted by rpfields at 5:27 PM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
Not sure which is worse, the putting you in a situation where you're "up against" another Tinder date, or openly trolling for other dates in front of you. Even if this guy isn't deliberately malicious, he's certainly clueless, and somebody that dense will bruise you in a million different ways without even knowing why.
posted by rpfields at 5:27 PM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
I don't think this has anything to do with monogamy or the modern dating scene. It is just fundamentally rude to be constantly looking over the shoulder of the person you're with, trying to find someone better to talk to. Whether you're with a date, friend, colleague or shop assistant.
Maybe modern dating has descended to such a point that this is seen as OK to some people- maybe the whole Tinder thing is essentially dehumanising and makes people forget that users are human beings worthy of respect.
But whether this guy is clueless, cruel or incapable of treating women he meets online with any kindness or consideration, he doesn't sound like a catch to me.
The fact that you're worrying now that you're somehow too uptight and old fashioned just makes me so sad- why are women always to blame or at fault for their perfectly normal reactions to outrageous behaviour?
Please don't tie yourself in knots to excuse the way his bizarre actions have made you feel. Maybe there are some cool girls out there who would be totally chill with this, but I'd let him go find one.
Ugh, I'm so angry on your behalf!
posted by Dwardles at 5:16 AM on March 7, 2017 [6 favorites]
Maybe modern dating has descended to such a point that this is seen as OK to some people- maybe the whole Tinder thing is essentially dehumanising and makes people forget that users are human beings worthy of respect.
But whether this guy is clueless, cruel or incapable of treating women he meets online with any kindness or consideration, he doesn't sound like a catch to me.
The fact that you're worrying now that you're somehow too uptight and old fashioned just makes me so sad- why are women always to blame or at fault for their perfectly normal reactions to outrageous behaviour?
Please don't tie yourself in knots to excuse the way his bizarre actions have made you feel. Maybe there are some cool girls out there who would be totally chill with this, but I'd let him go find one.
Ugh, I'm so angry on your behalf!
posted by Dwardles at 5:16 AM on March 7, 2017 [6 favorites]
Ah, hell no. He basically created a reality TV-like scenario in which multiple persons have to compete for a chance to win the next date with him.
Ridiculous. And just plain stupid if he thinks that this is acceptable behavior.
Stay away. You are dodging a bullet.
posted by Neekee at 8:42 AM on March 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
Ridiculous. And just plain stupid if he thinks that this is acceptable behavior.
Stay away. You are dodging a bullet.
posted by Neekee at 8:42 AM on March 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
awkward people can be loving and supportive partners. i'd keep seeing him and keep an eye out for another red flag.
posted by anthropomorphic at 5:20 PM on March 8, 2017
posted by anthropomorphic at 5:20 PM on March 8, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:12 AM on March 6, 2017 [22 favorites]