Out of the blue: how creepy is that?
March 6, 2017 8:23 AM Subscribe
To cut a long story short, I am trying to find someone I went to school with 40 years ago.
Google indicates that he now lives in the US. Unique name so him most definitely, although he seeems to have moved around the country a lot, so not clear what the latest address or even State is. Also, very little Internet presence.
But. While searching for my former buddy, I saw that he briefly married and divorced a lady whose records are very public (LinkedIn, Facebook, her blog, the works...)
How creepy would it be for me to contact her and ask about the whereabouts of a man she divorced in 1989?
This is a low key search, really. I just find it amusing to play the amateur sleuth and don't want to bother the poor woman if I can avoid it.
So how would you feel if you received a message asking about someone from your distant past?
Google indicates that he now lives in the US. Unique name so him most definitely, although he seeems to have moved around the country a lot, so not clear what the latest address or even State is. Also, very little Internet presence.
But. While searching for my former buddy, I saw that he briefly married and divorced a lady whose records are very public (LinkedIn, Facebook, her blog, the works...)
How creepy would it be for me to contact her and ask about the whereabouts of a man she divorced in 1989?
This is a low key search, really. I just find it amusing to play the amateur sleuth and don't want to bother the poor woman if I can avoid it.
So how would you feel if you received a message asking about someone from your distant past?
They divorced in 1989? 27 years ago? Nooooo! Leave her out of it.
posted by sacrifix at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2017 [29 favorites]
posted by sacrifix at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2017 [29 favorites]
I would be very creeped out, and this has happened to me. Additionally, I would absolutely not give up any information on anyone previously in my life, even an ex husband. I would likely contact the person, and let them know that someone was saying they were an old school mate, and to watch out for it.
posted by kellyblah at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2017 [19 favorites]
posted by kellyblah at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2017 [19 favorites]
Deeply creepy. Find another way.
posted by colfax at 8:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by colfax at 8:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Noooooooooooo...
Unless this is a life-or-death, I secretly had your child and he now needs a kidney transplant type of situation, let it go.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [6 favorites]
Unless this is a life-or-death, I secretly had your child and he now needs a kidney transplant type of situation, let it go.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:30 AM on March 6, 2017 [6 favorites]
Yeah, this is a no no. Please don't do it. If you're really that interested in contacting your old school mate, do it through legitimate means. Send a message to family or friends and let him/her make the decision.
I just find it amusing to play the amateur sleuth and don't want to bother the poor woman if I can avoid it.
That's the worst reason in the world.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 8:32 AM on March 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
I just find it amusing to play the amateur sleuth and don't want to bother the poor woman if I can avoid it.
That's the worst reason in the world.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 8:32 AM on March 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
Quite unwelcome IMO.
Many schools are willing to mediate requests like this--they can contact your classmate and tell him you're trying to get in touch.
posted by mama casserole at 8:37 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Many schools are willing to mediate requests like this--they can contact your classmate and tell him you're trying to get in touch.
posted by mama casserole at 8:37 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
On a creepiness scale of 1 to 10, this is a hard 9. Don't do it.
posted by Etrigan at 8:37 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 8:37 AM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'd find it creepy and I sure wouldn't answer any of your queries - I don't know who you are, or what you want from my ex, and it'd just be really weird. Don't do it.
posted by rtha at 8:41 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by rtha at 8:41 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
I would be both creeped out and, depending on the circumstances of my divorce, incredibly annoyed that I would now feel obligated to look up my long-ago-ex and let him know that there was a possibly-creepy-stalker-type poking around for information about him. For any of a wide variety of reasons I might really, really not want to initiate that contact and yet I would feel obligated in case your intentions were less than good.
You can, and should, avoid contacting her if this is really just for your own amusement.
posted by Stacey at 8:43 AM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
You can, and should, avoid contacting her if this is really just for your own amusement.
posted by Stacey at 8:43 AM on March 6, 2017 [7 favorites]
Unless you're tracking down your classmate because he's an heir to a fortune or a bone marrow match or something like that, please do not go bothering this woman. Plus, after a 27-year-old divorce, you might already have more information about your former classmate than she does at this point.
posted by mhum at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by mhum at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I don't know what this "creepy" business is. This is the kind of thing a PI does every day. The only difference is, you are acting on your own behalf.
She'd probably ignore you and maybe think you rude or presumptuous, but who cares? It's not hurting her in any way to get an unsolicited email. Everyone on the internet gets those. If you want, you could hire a PI and pay a small fee to have them do it for you, it might increase the odds of response if the email or printed letter comes from the Pinkerton agency or whatever.
I agree she likely won't have great info or won't want to share it, but let's not make this out to be akin to wearing a shirt made of human hair or a necklace of fingernails or something actually weird and creepy. I wonder if all these responders getting freaked out have every been pleased to be contacted by an old acquaintance, or have ever tried to find one themselves...
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:08 AM on March 6, 2017 [9 favorites]
She'd probably ignore you and maybe think you rude or presumptuous, but who cares? It's not hurting her in any way to get an unsolicited email. Everyone on the internet gets those. If you want, you could hire a PI and pay a small fee to have them do it for you, it might increase the odds of response if the email or printed letter comes from the Pinkerton agency or whatever.
I agree she likely won't have great info or won't want to share it, but let's not make this out to be akin to wearing a shirt made of human hair or a necklace of fingernails or something actually weird and creepy. I wonder if all these responders getting freaked out have every been pleased to be contacted by an old acquaintance, or have ever tried to find one themselves...
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:08 AM on March 6, 2017 [9 favorites]
Super creepy, and not just from the ex-wife's POV. I'd be creeped out if I knew someone contacted an ex of mine and oh no just don't.
posted by Room 641-A at 9:08 AM on March 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Room 641-A at 9:08 AM on March 6, 2017 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Aaargh, I just blew my weekly Ask away. I guess it would have been easier to look him up seriously before asking. He is listed on one of those public databases and I've found him and we've just established contact.
But the question was really about using back channels such an ex wife to contact someone and the answer seems to be a unaminous no. So, thanks.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:10 AM on March 6, 2017
But the question was really about using back channels such an ex wife to contact someone and the answer seems to be a unaminous no. So, thanks.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:10 AM on March 6, 2017
Maybe not OK to ask an ex, but not necessarily bad to ask other contacts. I got a call a few years ago from somebody who was friends with my parents when I was 3-4 years old. I'm easy to Google, my mom and dad aren't. It was a delight for me to put them all back in touch, and there was nothing creepy about it at all.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:56 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:56 AM on March 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If you were to do something like this, the least creepy way to do it would be to email the person, explain who you are and that you are looking to connect with an old classmate but are having difficulty finding him, and then kindly ask her to pass your contact details/email onto your classmate, if she is still in contact with this man.
Asking about his whereabouts is not an okay thing to ask a stranger.
posted by Polychrome at 10:13 AM on March 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
Asking about his whereabouts is not an okay thing to ask a stranger.
posted by Polychrome at 10:13 AM on March 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
Yeah, I'd suggest Polychrome's pass-along with a lot of couching. "If you happen to be in touch, and it's fine if you aren't..."
I get similar inquiries once in a while for my quite common name.
posted by rhizome at 4:02 PM on March 6, 2017
I get similar inquiries once in a while for my quite common name.
posted by rhizome at 4:02 PM on March 6, 2017
Glad you were able to establish contact.
Fwiw, I think that contacting the ex would only be "creepy" if you were the cause of the divorce. Otherwise, it just seems like a normal part of trying to locate someone you lost contact with.
posted by she's not there at 8:15 PM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
Fwiw, I think that contacting the ex would only be "creepy" if you were the cause of the divorce. Otherwise, it just seems like a normal part of trying to locate someone you lost contact with.
posted by she's not there at 8:15 PM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'd do this and don't find it creepy at all. You're searching for him and she might know his whereabouts. Must be a hetero thing calling it creepy- if somebody asked me about the whereabouts of my partner I broke up with in 1991 it wouldn't bother me EVEN A TINY BIT.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 7:24 PM on March 7, 2017
posted by ethnomethodologist at 7:24 PM on March 7, 2017
Must be a hetero thing
I don't think it's a coincidence how many of the negative responses are from women.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:52 PM on March 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's a coincidence how many of the negative responses are from women.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:52 PM on March 7, 2017 [1 favorite]
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posted by cakelite at 8:26 AM on March 6, 2017 [20 favorites]