Questions for experts on domestic violence.
August 25, 2016 8:50 PM
I'm moderating a panel next month featuring researchers on areas related to domestic violence and working with survivors in a health care context. I've been asked to come up with questions for the panelists to prepare to answer. What should I ask them? What would you like to know, or what do you think is the most important problem in this area?
I already have a fairly long list of my own possible questions, but I may be missing the forest for the trees, so I'd like some input without biasing your responses.
I already have a fairly long list of my own possible questions, but I may be missing the forest for the trees, so I'd like some input without biasing your responses.
YES - I love what Marie Mon Dieu wrote.
Two things I learned from a great podcast (Real Crime Profile) in their episodes about domestic violence are:
1) The most dangerous part of a DV situation is when the abused partner is getting ready to leave, and how best to manage that transition safely
2) The relationship between stalking and DV and how frequently stalking situations turn deadly.
Those topics would be great for your panel. For the first one, asking health providers how they can help and what practical steps can be taken that will make the situation better. For the second, educating people on the dangers of stalking, and asking the right questions to draw someone out would be helpful.
And anything providers could do to make people feel less alone is great. That really helped me reframe my experiences and perspective and come to understand that I wasn't crazy and it really wasn't okay.
posted by guster4lovers at 10:09 PM on August 25, 2016
Two things I learned from a great podcast (Real Crime Profile) in their episodes about domestic violence are:
1) The most dangerous part of a DV situation is when the abused partner is getting ready to leave, and how best to manage that transition safely
2) The relationship between stalking and DV and how frequently stalking situations turn deadly.
Those topics would be great for your panel. For the first one, asking health providers how they can help and what practical steps can be taken that will make the situation better. For the second, educating people on the dangers of stalking, and asking the right questions to draw someone out would be helpful.
And anything providers could do to make people feel less alone is great. That really helped me reframe my experiences and perspective and come to understand that I wasn't crazy and it really wasn't okay.
posted by guster4lovers at 10:09 PM on August 25, 2016
The intimate terrorism model is the one most of us know about. I'm curious about the conditions under which violence emerges in relationships between people with no notable history of being abused, or abusing. Which factors are at play? And what are sufficient conditions for this dynamic to develop between people who have had more or less normal relationships with other individuals prior to this relationship, and subsequently? (I suspect: income inequality; young age or emotional immaturity; the dominant person feeling "trapped", by having felt pressured into marriage or parenting; the dominant person perceiving weakness or vulnerability in the abused person [e.g. the latter being poorer, ill, or seen as a member of a "lesser" social group or category] - the ways in which power-over can get out of hand in people who aren't apparently predisposed to violence. (And, e.g., situational couple violence.)
Many members of the public perceive the violence depicted in the video Amber Heard released as a normal expression of male anger. (See comments on the YouTube video on TMZ's channel, for a hefty sampling of this view.) To what extent is abuse normalized or underreported? If individuals don't see abuse as abuse, how can they be reached?
One study of newlyweds found that victims' forgiveness removed negative consequences for offenders (see also). Could assertiveness training help victims in the early stages of an abusive relationship (or even well before, in an educational setting)? (This may be seen as victim-blamey, probably rightly, but I think any scope for interventions should be explored...)
Couples counsellors presuming good faith on the part of the abuser, and working towards the goal of marital resolution, sometimes inadvertently support abuse and end up further alienating the victim. What has been done (or can be done) to increase awareness of red flags among couples counsellors?
What are the long-term effects of abuse on victims' health (immunity, etc.)?
What are current best practices in terms of timing and delivering interventions, when abuse is suspected by a health care provider?
(I'm also interested in the cognitive processes involved in the denial victims often engage in - cognitive dissonance, sunk cost calculations, temporal discounting - how hope, fear, and normality are balanced in the mind of the victim (and viscerally experienced), against the backdrop of the intense conditioning going on, the intensity of fear and bonding. The boiling frog, phenomenon. Some people recognize it early on (and leave), others don't (and become victims) - what are important individual and situational factors making the difference?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 PM on August 25, 2016
Many members of the public perceive the violence depicted in the video Amber Heard released as a normal expression of male anger. (See comments on the YouTube video on TMZ's channel, for a hefty sampling of this view.) To what extent is abuse normalized or underreported? If individuals don't see abuse as abuse, how can they be reached?
One study of newlyweds found that victims' forgiveness removed negative consequences for offenders (see also). Could assertiveness training help victims in the early stages of an abusive relationship (or even well before, in an educational setting)? (This may be seen as victim-blamey, probably rightly, but I think any scope for interventions should be explored...)
Couples counsellors presuming good faith on the part of the abuser, and working towards the goal of marital resolution, sometimes inadvertently support abuse and end up further alienating the victim. What has been done (or can be done) to increase awareness of red flags among couples counsellors?
What are the long-term effects of abuse on victims' health (immunity, etc.)?
What are current best practices in terms of timing and delivering interventions, when abuse is suspected by a health care provider?
(I'm also interested in the cognitive processes involved in the denial victims often engage in - cognitive dissonance, sunk cost calculations, temporal discounting - how hope, fear, and normality are balanced in the mind of the victim (and viscerally experienced), against the backdrop of the intense conditioning going on, the intensity of fear and bonding. The boiling frog, phenomenon. Some people recognize it early on (and leave), others don't (and become victims) - what are important individual and situational factors making the difference?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 PM on August 25, 2016
Also, what can be done to counteract the isolation and abandonment of victims by friends and family asking the "why didn't you leave" question, both in the immediate context of abuse, and on a wider scale?
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:23 PM on August 25, 2016
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:23 PM on August 25, 2016
What can be done to prevent abuse in the first place? Rather than ask "why didn't she [the victim] do this or that," ask "how does the abuser learn to abuse in the first place and what can be done to nip that in the bud?" How can we get to a goal of as few abusive relationships as possible?
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:30 AM on August 26, 2016
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:30 AM on August 26, 2016
Who is your audience? What is the level of their expertise (or not) on the subject? What do you want them to get out of the discussion? What do *they* want to get out of the discussion?
Answering those questions ought to help you figure out the questions you want to ask the panelists.
posted by Stewriffic at 5:37 AM on August 26, 2016
Answering those questions ought to help you figure out the questions you want to ask the panelists.
posted by Stewriffic at 5:37 AM on August 26, 2016
Also, make sure you don't forget to address DV in LGBTQ relationships, too. I don't have the stats to hand, but they're pretty terrible, and intimate partner violence in non-straight relationships doesn't seem to get the attention it should.
posted by Tamanna at 6:38 AM on August 26, 2016
posted by Tamanna at 6:38 AM on August 26, 2016
working with survivors in a health care context
I know someone who was brutally assaulted by the husband they were divorcing. For at least the next two years, they suffered repeated bouts of bronchitis and chronic yeast infections until they insisted on being tested. A weird infection was discoverd, like vaginal strep, it was treated and the yeast infections stopped. The doctors had been ready to just write a permanent prescription for medication (this was before yeast treatments were available OTC).
So, maybe some questions about the very real health consequences of abuse and not only what care providers can look for, but how to be sensitive about it instead of dismissive. If men hurt down there, it gets taken a lot more seriously than if women hurt. We just act like women are supposed to be in pain all the time for the crime of being born female and doctors can be really terrible about this. They act like it is "normal female stuff" sometimes even when it clearly isn't normal and they are well aware she was assaulted.
posted by Michele in California at 11:17 AM on August 26, 2016
I know someone who was brutally assaulted by the husband they were divorcing. For at least the next two years, they suffered repeated bouts of bronchitis and chronic yeast infections until they insisted on being tested. A weird infection was discoverd, like vaginal strep, it was treated and the yeast infections stopped. The doctors had been ready to just write a permanent prescription for medication (this was before yeast treatments were available OTC).
So, maybe some questions about the very real health consequences of abuse and not only what care providers can look for, but how to be sensitive about it instead of dismissive. If men hurt down there, it gets taken a lot more seriously than if women hurt. We just act like women are supposed to be in pain all the time for the crime of being born female and doctors can be really terrible about this. They act like it is "normal female stuff" sometimes even when it clearly isn't normal and they are well aware she was assaulted.
posted by Michele in California at 11:17 AM on August 26, 2016
In my experience, healthcare providers often think that intervening in any way will be overly intrusive (like, "It's not my place to pass judgment"), or that intervening will magically make everything ok (like, "All these social services will swoop in and protect the victim forever!"). It might be interesting to talk about the pros and cons of reporting and of not-reporting.
I also have worked with survivors who completely avoid healthcare providers because they worry (often with good cause due to bad experiences!) that providers won't respect their stated boundaries (e.g., "Don't touch me there," "Please tell me what you're going to do before you do it," etc.). It may be helpful to ask for suggestion for trauma-informed care (which generally assumes that any given patient *could* be an abuse survivor, and so to make getting consent, checking in, etc. part of your normal healthcare routine).
posted by lazuli at 6:30 PM on August 26, 2016
I also have worked with survivors who completely avoid healthcare providers because they worry (often with good cause due to bad experiences!) that providers won't respect their stated boundaries (e.g., "Don't touch me there," "Please tell me what you're going to do before you do it," etc.). It may be helpful to ask for suggestion for trauma-informed care (which generally assumes that any given patient *could* be an abuse survivor, and so to make getting consent, checking in, etc. part of your normal healthcare routine).
posted by lazuli at 6:30 PM on August 26, 2016
Maybe something like, "knowing that victims go through a process (coming to realize that their partner's behavior is abuse, making the decision to leave, then creating and executing a plan to do so) and that this process can be complex, long, and non-linear -- how can a health care provider best support a patient at any given moment in that process?" This relates to the denial that cotton dress sock mentions as well. Is there a "one-size-fits-all solution" (e.g., asking "is your relationship safe?" and then listening) or are different interventions more effective at different stages?
I also like this one a lot: "Couples counsellors presuming good faith on the part of the abuser, and working towards the goal of marital resolution, sometimes inadvertently support abuse and end up further alienating the victim. What has been done (or can be done) to increase awareness of red flags among couples counsellors?"
posted by salvia at 10:51 PM on August 26, 2016
I also like this one a lot: "Couples counsellors presuming good faith on the part of the abuser, and working towards the goal of marital resolution, sometimes inadvertently support abuse and end up further alienating the victim. What has been done (or can be done) to increase awareness of red flags among couples counsellors?"
posted by salvia at 10:51 PM on August 26, 2016
Have you ever looked at The Pervocracy? Warning for some explicit sexual posts, but there's also a lot of good stuff about domestic violence and abuse both from an abuse survivor's perspective and a healthcare worker's perspective.
posted by BlueNorther at 3:10 AM on August 27, 2016
posted by BlueNorther at 3:10 AM on August 27, 2016
Since you have panelists who can speak both to the research and to working directly with survivors, the conversation can cover a pretty wide range. I'd be interested in hearing about the research side of things in addition to the client and program side. It can be hard to get reliable, current, precise data about domestic violence. Perhaps your panelists can speak to the reasons--is it a lack of funding and investment relative to other areas (is it harder to get funding for DV research than, say, research on education)? Is it the stigma against sharing about personal DV experiences? Do people not recognize it? How are research projects designed to account for these challenges? Is there anything the people in the room can know about or advocate for to help get more and better data on the issue?
How about research into the experience of victims compared to perpetrators? And, how are the results being used to move the field forward or advocate for policies and programs that support victims? What are some findings from recent studies that people should be aware of?
posted by ramenopres at 7:00 AM on August 28, 2016
How about research into the experience of victims compared to perpetrators? And, how are the results being used to move the field forward or advocate for policies and programs that support victims? What are some findings from recent studies that people should be aware of?
posted by ramenopres at 7:00 AM on August 28, 2016
What can be done to prevent abuse in the first place? Rather than ask "why didn't she [the victim] do this or that," ask "how does the abuser learn to abuse in the first place and what can be done to nip that in the bud?" How can we get to a goal of as few abusive relationships as possible?
This is interesting, too -- is there any research about directing anti-abuse messaging toward abusers or their peers, either bystanders who can set better norms ("not cool bro") or abusers themselves?
posted by salvia at 7:41 PM on August 28, 2016
This is interesting, too -- is there any research about directing anti-abuse messaging toward abusers or their peers, either bystanders who can set better norms ("not cool bro") or abusers themselves?
posted by salvia at 7:41 PM on August 28, 2016
Just wanted to add something, based on my personal experience:
I was ready to leave, but I was hindered by both fear and my financial circumstances. He had the bank account in his name and I didn't have any income or my own personal account.
My car had broken down. My parents had offered to send me money to help get it repaired. It ran, but was stalling out at stop signs, traffic lights, etc.
He told me we weren't going to accept any money from my parents and that he would fix it himself. A mechanic had looked at it and cleaned the fuel injectors, and that didn't fix it. My husband and a neighbor (who was a mechanic) then tried fixing it, to no avail. At that point, it became my fault because I had a piece of (junk, not the word he used) car.
Then he wanted to go somewhere and bring a friend along, and his car was a 2-seater. We'd have to take mine, which was a sedan. He tried to go out and work on it, and became so angry that he floored the gas, and the manifold broke into 2 pieces. So now my car was dead, and that was also my fault, for having a crappy car.
So now I was unable to leave, physically. He took his car to work every day, and it was in his name, so not like I could use that to escape. I had no family in the area, all out of state, and because I'd gone back to him more than once, most of them had used up their sympathy toward me. Not like I had gas money anyway. My Mom told me to save some money in a coffee jar.
I was seeing a therapist, who gave me a sliding discount, and I paid her cash, out of my grocery budget. He didn't know, but when he found out, because I blurted it out during an argument, he said, "well, she sure isn't helping you any!"
One day, I had some friends over, a couple, who were both very nice people. Out of the blue, he called me from work and demanded that I go to a junkyard and buy a new manifold for my car. I told him that I had company and he became even more angry (remember, isolation from any potential allies is a key factor in keeping someone under their control), and told me to get rid of them and do what he asked, right away. So I did. And it didn't fix my car, not sure if he ever put it on my car or not.
At the same time, I was volunteering for a local political candidate, and he liked that because he could use it as social credit. Unbeknownst to me, he had made friends with another woman, who then joined me as a volunteer. I remember that at the office, she stood very close to me, and seemed overly friendly. I thought she was just strange.
So I was slowly making plans to leave, like they tell you to. Save up any money you can, see a therapist to get your head on straight, tell people a safe word so if you call them, they will come get you or know that you're coming to their place. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend, who I thought was on my side, and he just said, "oh, it's just you guys fighting, but sure, I'll help you out if you need it."
It all came to a head when I had a Christmas party, on luminaire night in our neighborhood. I'd gone to the grocery store to buy snacks, because it was an open house, and our alderman, among others, would be stopping by any house who lit up their front walks with luminaire lights. I remember that I spent a whopping $30, and when I got home, he looked at the receipt and said, "I should beat you up right now for spending this much money." I didn't take him seriously. I thought he was just being grouchy, that he was depressed, etc. The usual litany that ran through my head whenever he was a jagoff.
That night, we had the party. A neighbor came by, an older guy who was on disability. He was so thrilled to be invited to a social event that he'd dressed up in a suit and tie. He sat at a table and made a paper chain with another guest, an activity I'd done as a child. I had a silver Christmas tree, illuminated by a color wheel. The luminaire lights glowed in their paper bags on the front walk. The alderman and his lovely girlfriend stopped by and we had a nice talk. All was well.
Then, later on, after the guests had left, the strange woman from the political office showed up, with her boyfriend. "Hope we're not too late," she said. I was tired, wanted to go to bed, but we invited them to sit down, and I immediately felt that something was off, but couldn't place it. My husband told me to show her my office, because I had a lot of unique collectibles displayed there, things I used to inspire my creativity while writing. So I did, I'm always happy to show someone my things if they are interested.
I was showing her around, and suddenly, she turned to me and said, "So! Your husband says you're into threesomes!" I was shocked. Because I wasn't, nor have I ever been. At almost the same moment, my husband opened the door and said, "So! What are you girls up to?"
I said, "I don't know what's going on here, but I think you need to leave right now," to the woman. She and her boyfriend left, and she apologized to me, on the porch. "I had no idea he hadn't told you. He said you guys were swingers, I'm so sorry."
I was shocked and embarrassed, that he'd put me in that situation. I guess he wanted a threesome and he thought he could push me into it, somehow, in his mind? I don't care what anyone does among consenting adults, but the key word is "consenting," right? Sort of a childish move, now that I look at in retrospect. But at the time, with all of his threats, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just told him to sleep in the other room that night, and he did.
But over the next few days, things became even more tense, because I'd caught him in a lie, so to speak. I smoke, and normally I smoke outside, and certainly did with him around, because he hated it, I get that, so I smoked outside. But one night, it was 5 degrees out, and I was like, you (blanker), and I sat at my desk, in that room, and I lit up a cigarette inside. My little act of rebellion.
He was in bed, sleeping, or so I thought. After two puffs, he came rushing into the room, yelling, and slapped my face, knocking the smoke out of my mouth. Then he shoved me over, chair and all, and started ranting and raving. I grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 911, and told them, "Help, help!" and quickly recited the address.
He then yanked the phone out of the wall, as I was cowering on the floor. "Sure, sit still NOW, you BITCH! Where are the car keys? Get them for me right now!"
I got up and found my purse, and handed it to him. He took it into the bedroom and dumped the contents onto the bed. "They're not here! Find me the keys!"
I said, "okay, I'll get them for you." Then I walked out of the bedroom, through my office, and out the front door, where 4 very angry cops were just rushing up the steps. There was a cop station nearby, which I'd forgotten about, but they'd only been about a block away when I'd called. I will always be grateful to those guys, they were so professional, leading us into separate rooms, and one guy was so nice, he put on blue gloves and examined the goose egg on my head.
"He did this because you lit a cigarette?" he asked. He was incredulous. I said, "yeah, he did."
And when they asked me if I wanted to press charges, I could hear my Dad's voice in my head. And I said, "yes." And when they were taking him away, I still felt bad enough to get his hat and gloves from the closet, because I didn't want him to be cold. I felt so guilty, that I had made him do this to me. It was all my fault, I'd tried so, so hard, to make it work, to be a good married woman, to be a wife, and I'd screwed it all up. Needless to say, that wasn't true, but I believed it at the time. I remember thinking how mild mannered he seemed when I met him. Right.
So I did get therapy afterward, and then I moved across country, partly to get out of the same region where he was still living. That was always in the back of my head. That he'd do something, and he did write to my Dad once, telling him a big sob story about how I was crazy. My Dad didn't believe it, of course, but since the restraining order was on him not contacting me, not my Dad, he thought that was the perfect way to get to me. And it just served to make me want to get farther and farther away from him, as far as I could go. There was more, the box of junk he sent me, along with the divorce papers, and how he was so relieved that he didn't have to go to the stupid anger management class anymore because it was such a drag. But I was beyond his reach by then, and my current husband has said if he ever meets him, he won't be pleasant. Not that it will happen, of course, but it's nice to finally have someone on my side, who believes me, and doesn't blame me for someone else's actions. I don't know what he's doing now, and frankly, I don't care. But the things leading up to it, the threats, the damaging of my property, etc., those were all red flags that I ignored or sloughed off, because who would do something like that? No one in my family, for sure. And if this can help anyone out there, my story, then it's worth going back in time and reliving it for a few minutes. Because I am safe now.
If anything has come out of this, it's a strong desire to help others who are going through it right now. I hope this helps add to your talk, because I feel very strongly that women in abusive situations need all the help they can get, from all corners, because the abuser isolates them, physically and psychologically, and trapping someone's mind is the worst sort of abuse there is out there. Peace out.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:19 PM on August 29, 2016
I was ready to leave, but I was hindered by both fear and my financial circumstances. He had the bank account in his name and I didn't have any income or my own personal account.
My car had broken down. My parents had offered to send me money to help get it repaired. It ran, but was stalling out at stop signs, traffic lights, etc.
He told me we weren't going to accept any money from my parents and that he would fix it himself. A mechanic had looked at it and cleaned the fuel injectors, and that didn't fix it. My husband and a neighbor (who was a mechanic) then tried fixing it, to no avail. At that point, it became my fault because I had a piece of (junk, not the word he used) car.
Then he wanted to go somewhere and bring a friend along, and his car was a 2-seater. We'd have to take mine, which was a sedan. He tried to go out and work on it, and became so angry that he floored the gas, and the manifold broke into 2 pieces. So now my car was dead, and that was also my fault, for having a crappy car.
So now I was unable to leave, physically. He took his car to work every day, and it was in his name, so not like I could use that to escape. I had no family in the area, all out of state, and because I'd gone back to him more than once, most of them had used up their sympathy toward me. Not like I had gas money anyway. My Mom told me to save some money in a coffee jar.
I was seeing a therapist, who gave me a sliding discount, and I paid her cash, out of my grocery budget. He didn't know, but when he found out, because I blurted it out during an argument, he said, "well, she sure isn't helping you any!"
One day, I had some friends over, a couple, who were both very nice people. Out of the blue, he called me from work and demanded that I go to a junkyard and buy a new manifold for my car. I told him that I had company and he became even more angry (remember, isolation from any potential allies is a key factor in keeping someone under their control), and told me to get rid of them and do what he asked, right away. So I did. And it didn't fix my car, not sure if he ever put it on my car or not.
At the same time, I was volunteering for a local political candidate, and he liked that because he could use it as social credit. Unbeknownst to me, he had made friends with another woman, who then joined me as a volunteer. I remember that at the office, she stood very close to me, and seemed overly friendly. I thought she was just strange.
So I was slowly making plans to leave, like they tell you to. Save up any money you can, see a therapist to get your head on straight, tell people a safe word so if you call them, they will come get you or know that you're coming to their place. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend, who I thought was on my side, and he just said, "oh, it's just you guys fighting, but sure, I'll help you out if you need it."
It all came to a head when I had a Christmas party, on luminaire night in our neighborhood. I'd gone to the grocery store to buy snacks, because it was an open house, and our alderman, among others, would be stopping by any house who lit up their front walks with luminaire lights. I remember that I spent a whopping $30, and when I got home, he looked at the receipt and said, "I should beat you up right now for spending this much money." I didn't take him seriously. I thought he was just being grouchy, that he was depressed, etc. The usual litany that ran through my head whenever he was a jagoff.
That night, we had the party. A neighbor came by, an older guy who was on disability. He was so thrilled to be invited to a social event that he'd dressed up in a suit and tie. He sat at a table and made a paper chain with another guest, an activity I'd done as a child. I had a silver Christmas tree, illuminated by a color wheel. The luminaire lights glowed in their paper bags on the front walk. The alderman and his lovely girlfriend stopped by and we had a nice talk. All was well.
Then, later on, after the guests had left, the strange woman from the political office showed up, with her boyfriend. "Hope we're not too late," she said. I was tired, wanted to go to bed, but we invited them to sit down, and I immediately felt that something was off, but couldn't place it. My husband told me to show her my office, because I had a lot of unique collectibles displayed there, things I used to inspire my creativity while writing. So I did, I'm always happy to show someone my things if they are interested.
I was showing her around, and suddenly, she turned to me and said, "So! Your husband says you're into threesomes!" I was shocked. Because I wasn't, nor have I ever been. At almost the same moment, my husband opened the door and said, "So! What are you girls up to?"
I said, "I don't know what's going on here, but I think you need to leave right now," to the woman. She and her boyfriend left, and she apologized to me, on the porch. "I had no idea he hadn't told you. He said you guys were swingers, I'm so sorry."
I was shocked and embarrassed, that he'd put me in that situation. I guess he wanted a threesome and he thought he could push me into it, somehow, in his mind? I don't care what anyone does among consenting adults, but the key word is "consenting," right? Sort of a childish move, now that I look at in retrospect. But at the time, with all of his threats, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just told him to sleep in the other room that night, and he did.
But over the next few days, things became even more tense, because I'd caught him in a lie, so to speak. I smoke, and normally I smoke outside, and certainly did with him around, because he hated it, I get that, so I smoked outside. But one night, it was 5 degrees out, and I was like, you (blanker), and I sat at my desk, in that room, and I lit up a cigarette inside. My little act of rebellion.
He was in bed, sleeping, or so I thought. After two puffs, he came rushing into the room, yelling, and slapped my face, knocking the smoke out of my mouth. Then he shoved me over, chair and all, and started ranting and raving. I grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 911, and told them, "Help, help!" and quickly recited the address.
He then yanked the phone out of the wall, as I was cowering on the floor. "Sure, sit still NOW, you BITCH! Where are the car keys? Get them for me right now!"
I got up and found my purse, and handed it to him. He took it into the bedroom and dumped the contents onto the bed. "They're not here! Find me the keys!"
I said, "okay, I'll get them for you." Then I walked out of the bedroom, through my office, and out the front door, where 4 very angry cops were just rushing up the steps. There was a cop station nearby, which I'd forgotten about, but they'd only been about a block away when I'd called. I will always be grateful to those guys, they were so professional, leading us into separate rooms, and one guy was so nice, he put on blue gloves and examined the goose egg on my head.
"He did this because you lit a cigarette?" he asked. He was incredulous. I said, "yeah, he did."
And when they asked me if I wanted to press charges, I could hear my Dad's voice in my head. And I said, "yes." And when they were taking him away, I still felt bad enough to get his hat and gloves from the closet, because I didn't want him to be cold. I felt so guilty, that I had made him do this to me. It was all my fault, I'd tried so, so hard, to make it work, to be a good married woman, to be a wife, and I'd screwed it all up. Needless to say, that wasn't true, but I believed it at the time. I remember thinking how mild mannered he seemed when I met him. Right.
So I did get therapy afterward, and then I moved across country, partly to get out of the same region where he was still living. That was always in the back of my head. That he'd do something, and he did write to my Dad once, telling him a big sob story about how I was crazy. My Dad didn't believe it, of course, but since the restraining order was on him not contacting me, not my Dad, he thought that was the perfect way to get to me. And it just served to make me want to get farther and farther away from him, as far as I could go. There was more, the box of junk he sent me, along with the divorce papers, and how he was so relieved that he didn't have to go to the stupid anger management class anymore because it was such a drag. But I was beyond his reach by then, and my current husband has said if he ever meets him, he won't be pleasant. Not that it will happen, of course, but it's nice to finally have someone on my side, who believes me, and doesn't blame me for someone else's actions. I don't know what he's doing now, and frankly, I don't care. But the things leading up to it, the threats, the damaging of my property, etc., those were all red flags that I ignored or sloughed off, because who would do something like that? No one in my family, for sure. And if this can help anyone out there, my story, then it's worth going back in time and reliving it for a few minutes. Because I am safe now.
If anything has come out of this, it's a strong desire to help others who are going through it right now. I hope this helps add to your talk, because I feel very strongly that women in abusive situations need all the help they can get, from all corners, because the abuser isolates them, physically and psychologically, and trapping someone's mind is the worst sort of abuse there is out there. Peace out.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:19 PM on August 29, 2016
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What happened, after we had given our talks, was really amazing. I'd say that most of the women in attendance had a story. There was one woman who did the "why did she stay with him" sort of question. I had to explain to her that I was that woman, and I did get a bit flustered, because it triggered me a little.
I found that what the audience, which was about oh, 10-15 women, from all walks of life, wanted to share their own stories after the presentation.
It turned into an intimate gathering, and several of the women really connected with each other, and right then and there, they decided to hold a round table meeting once a month. The purpose being: to discuss domestic violence issues in their community, and work together to resolve them, and to prevent it happening at a local level.
What happened was that we opened the floor to the audience, again, it was a very small audience, and allowed them to share their personal stories. And I did hear one or two, privately, so you may want to tell people that there will be someone to listen to them without any recording devices or names or other info being taken down, a strictly helpful listener, in some outside hallway or other private area.
The main question was: have you ever experienced domestic violence? And it was a resounding "YES!" from about 80% of our participants. Being heard, and being allowed to stand up and tell their individual stories, was very cathartic for those women, and then it morphed into "how can we band together and help out future generations?"
That was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. MeMail me if you want some contact info, but Google "Regina Polk" and Helena Harlowe Worthen, she is the one you want to contact in regards to this, she is a wonderful, wonderful woman, and an advocate for many downtrodden people, not just women, and you should definitely get in touch with her. Good luck in your research!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:06 PM on August 25, 2016